Learn to control negative thoughts with cognitive psychology therapy techniques, Part 3
This is the last part in a series on stopping negative thoughts. Please find Part 1 and Part 2 here.
In this post, I will discuss techniques from Cognitive Psychology, which crosses over with the final level of the Buddhist Sutra. Then, as a bonus, a final level that overtakes all the previous ones.
Let’s get started.
The Fifth Level – Beating down the bad mind with the good mind
This final level is only in the most extreme of cases. I’ve tried this before, without knowing what I was doing, and not knowing about the previous levels. It is, in a word, PAINFUL. Please give the previous levels a good effort before coming to this one.
At this level, many techniques from modern cognitive psychology also come into play, so we’ll discuss them both in the one go.
What is this level about? The beating down and destruction of every unwanted thought that comes into your mind. The Buddha compares this to a big strong man putting a beat-down on a weaker man. Think of a young Mike Tyson beating down Justin Timberlake. (Oh, let me just enjoy that mental image a little bit more…)
Okay, I’m back. This level is difficult on two parts. First is training your mental muscles. Your mind has been running around without your control for most of your life, and you’re going to need a lot of mental strength to hold it down. How do you build up this muscle then? Meditation.
The Beat down
Next comes the beating. Here are a few techniques from cognitive psychology:
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The Howitzer Mantra. In essence, every time you catch any thoughts you don’t want, interrupt it with a prepared mantra. The howitzer portion of the name means that your mantra has to be forceful.
Find a mantra that feels right for you. Here are a few suggestions - “Stop!”, “Enough!”, “Silence!”, or “Shut the F*** UP!”
Many texts say there is nothing wrong with cursing, although I believe being violent towards your thoughts is just being violent against yourself. However, the truth is different for everyone, and I urge you to find your own style. If swearing works, then swear all you want.
- The rubber band. Wear one around your wrist, and every time you catch yourself with a thought you don’t want, snap it. It stings a little, and you’re conditioning yourself with (mild) punishment to stop thinking negatively.
Filling the gap
Now that you’ve stopped the thoughts, there is a gap in your thinking. If you’re not careful, the negative thoughts will come rushing back in to the gap.
So what can you do?
- Expanding the gap. A good thing to do is to simply focus on the gap, the brief space after the thoughts have subsided. Given time, this gap will increase and you will slowly free yourself from compulsive thought.
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Positive affirmations. I’m not a fan of most forms of affirmation out there, but if it works for you give it a shot. Please make sure it is not repression or denial, and make sure you’re not lying to yourself. Affirm something that you know is true.
For example, let’s say you think you are a bad father, and you condemn yourself continually for it. Perhaps your proof is that your two kids fight and quarrel daily. If you focus on this proof and yet affirm “I am the best father in the world”, a part of you feels like you’re lying to yourself and that actually makes things worse.
What to do then? Find evidence to the contrary - something that you do right as a father. Perhaps you take your children out to the movies whenever you can, and listen whenever they are upset. Affirm the truth then – “I am doing my best as a father, and can only get better.” Note that this is way more realistic than the first affirmation. Refer to your contrary evidence as proof so you don’t feel like you’re lying to yourself. I’ll expand this in the future, if anyone’s interested.
- Anything pleasant. Another alternative is to simply fill that gap with pleasantries, but this time it doesn’t have to be anything to do with your situation. A nice island retreat, maybe. How about Jessica Alba, Orlando Bloom, or anyone and anything that lifts your spirits? We can also return to Level One of the Sutra and drench yourself with a harmonious or loving feeling.
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Senses. Finally, you can simply focus your attention on something else. In Buddhism, this is simply called arriving where you are. What do I mean? Be completely where you are.
Feel the wind on your face. Feel the clothes as they weigh on your skin. Feel the chair on your butt as you sit on it. Pop a breath mint in your mouth and savour the taste completely. Pretend you’ve never had a mint before, that you’ve never been in the wind before, that you’ve never sat on a chair before.
Be warned, though, that this method is slow and can drive you nuts. Many estimates place the number of thoughts we have per day at 40 to 60 thousand, and most of these are repetitive and negative. In certain conditions the percentage can be even higher. Depressed people, for example, often engage in rumination – which refers to the constant and compulsive mulling over of painful thoughts and memories.
A personal story
I remember in particular my own depression a while back. Not knowing any better, I fought my thoughts with pure force. It was especially hard, as I hadn’t purged the emotions that go with my thoughts yet. The thoughts came in constantly - literally every five seconds! I was walking around constantly in mental pain – it felt like all of my 60,000 thoughts were negative and painful.
One of the worst times was during an overseas trip with my family. I was on a train with my brother, and for the whole four hours, I felt like smashing my head through the glass window and jumping out. If a thought is a drop of rain, I was in the middle of a rainstorm, and all I had to catch the drops was a little cup. On top of my depression was a huge layer of frustration at not being able to control my mind.
It took me a month of mental battle simply to get a 5% decrease. It was a 24/7 battle – instead of going out with my family while we were overseas, I stayed in the hotel and meditated all day. That’s how hard and extreme this level is. I’ve heard of people sweating and crying from the mental effort.
So, if you have to resort to this level, I cannot think of anything else that can help you. Besides purging your emotions first, I can only say: Don’t give up, and don’t get frustrated. Don’t make it any harder than it has to be - don’t add another layer of pain by beating yourself up over failure.
A side-note: Remember in the first part of the series, when I said I’ll cover the Buddhist techniques and then the modern cognitive psychology techniques? Well… there isn’t much else – they’re all essentially the same. Even the previous levels were also cross-referenced in modern psychology. Just thought it was an amazing fact and wanted to share that with you. Buddhism is often called a “science of the mind” and this is proof enough for me.
The final technique
Now, allow me to break UrbanMonk.Net tradition and discuss something that I haven’t fully tested on myself. This is something that I’ve only started to grasp. I don’t know if it is something that only experienced people should try, and it could easily be misunderstood. You’ve been warned – please feel free to skip this section because I haven’t fully tested it and I can’t really explain it properly!
Here goes! Why are negative thoughts bad? It’s a deeply ingrained mental habit to label thoughts, or indeed, anything as good or bad. It’s part of our overall habit of labelling and classifying everything. We have the dualistic world view of heaven and hell, angels and arseholes, good and evil.
Why are negative thoughts bad? Why don’t we love having negative thoughts? Not in the sense that we send love to them and hope they go away, but in the sense that it’s fantastic – I love having negative thoughts. Your thoughts cause unpleasant physical sensations? I love those sensations too. Why are they unpleasant?
I discussed this briefly in The Peace of Non-Resistance, but I didn’t think to apply it to our thoughts and emotions. I’ve been experimenting for the past few days, and it’s a hard habit to break. It’s natural for me to label a memory as “bad” when it pops into my head, and that instinctively causes agitation.
Sometimes, I remember not to label the thought. “Isn’t it great, isn’t it such a lovely thought to have?” I think. I don’t do it in a fake or forced manner. I try to genuinely see the thought as great. If I do it fast enough, it doesn’t provoke an emotion. If I do get an emotion, I see that as great too.
And the thought lets go of me.
This is moving out of the world of duality (good and bad), and into the deeper, non-dualistic, perception of the world. I’m not fully qualified to write on this, so if this is something you are interested in, please read How to see Yourself As You Truly Are
.
An additional technique
Back to more scientific methods. There’s another technique that I found on the internet. Usually, once you’ve cleared out the nasty emotions involved with the negative thoughts, they intrude in your mind as a form of habit. There’s nothing to be resolved or painful about it, it’s just been there for so long that it’s hard to break. Steve Pavlina has an article on bridging your old thoughts into new positive patterns. I haven’t tried it though, and if you do try it, make sure it’s not repression for you.
What’s next?
Oooh… So much to say, so much half typed, and I still don’t know what order to present them in. I want to split them up into proper series – a series on love, a series on thoughts, a series on non-attachment, a series on the proper way to use affirmations, mindfulness. But they’re all interconnected and I don’t know which order to present them in. I guess, let what comes, come. Stay tuned!
I’d also like to end the post with a warm hello to another long-time friend and supporter of UrbanMonk.Net. John Lampard runs disassociated.com, on the {SubSet} culture. He defines his blog as a “scratch pad where [he] can feature and review topics of interest to [him], including, but not limited to, current affairs, information technology, web design and standards, new websites and projects, music, movies, events, photography, arts, (and a little sport) and cultural and fashion trends.”
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14 Comments, Comment or Ping
Maria
Thanks for sharing that personal story, Albert. (As you can see, I’m all for the personal stories!) It’s inspiring to me as I was having a bad morning, but you reminded me to practice being present and interrupt the negative thoughts.
Aug 11th, 2007
Albert
Thanks Maria, glad I helped, and thanks again for the confirmation on the personal story. There was a period where I wasn’t sure if I was turning people off with too much personal info, but I’ll stick to personal stories now then - I think they’re the best to understand.
Aug 11th, 2007
Marilyn
Thank you for writing such practical and to the point articles. I get something out of every article, even if it is a reminder of a previous idea. The concepts are almost too simple to remember sometimes! I would love it if you would write about boundries and Buddhism. I have a problem reconciling the two. It seems as though Buddhism doesn’t really have a place for personal boundries (of which I am trying to learn). Thanks again for your help. I really do appreciate it.
Aug 11th, 2007
Albert
You’re very welcome Marilyn
. I’m not sure what you mean by personal boundries?
Do you mean like a set of rules - like a set of lines where other people cannot cross? For example, when do you draw the line between saying yes to someone asking for a favor and when do you say no? Is that what you mean?
Aug 11th, 2007
Albert
Oh and also, how are you having troubles reconciling the two? Which parts clash?
Aug 11th, 2007
Marilyn
Yes, that is what I mean. The problem with reconciling them is… if you love “unconditionally” and serve others, where is the line of taking care of your needs/wants and allowing others to keep demanding from you, or take advantage of you. If you love someone and take care of them and they keep asking for more, and you give more and they ask for more and you give more than is, say, physically healthy for you. Where do you draw the line? Or emotionally healthy? And remember you are talking to someone who has difficulty with regular boundaries. If you are supposed to protect yourself by protecting others can’t that leave to some vicious cycles?
Aug 12th, 2007
Albert
OK…this is a bit hard to explain and I’m not entirely sure if I can explain it properly, especially since I haven’t reached unconditional love either
. I don’t even love myself unconditionally yet. I’ll do my best at explaining though, and then expand it into a future post. All that I type could be wrong, though.
One of the meditations available for developing love and compassion simply involves loving yourself, and then expanding that into loved ones, then neutral people, then finally people you dislike. (Actually, it’s one of my half-written posts, so I guess I’ll post that next.)
Now, notice this first part of the meditation. Loving yourself. Unless you can love yourself first, you can’t love others. All your loving, kind, actions towards other people won’t be “pure”. Loving others comes from filling yourself up with so much love that it overflows and hits other people.
The ultimate goal of this meditation is to hit the point where you love everyone and everything unconditionally, but you have to start with yourself first. Not saying you turn into a selfish prick, but basically a realisation that you are also an person worthy of love. Over time, you’ll see that this is also your boundaries. If you love yourself, you’ll be able to say - no, doing this favor hurts me, doing that favor hurts me, so I can’t do it.
Saying no to someone doesn’t mean you don’t love them. If you are busy at work, and your best friend comes in and asks for an hour of your time, you can completely love them and still say “I understand your predicament, but I would really like to finish my work.”
“But you’re a selfish bitch!”
“I understand how you can feel that way, but I would really like to finish my work.”
I think that if you love them and this comes across in your words, then it won’t really hurt any feelings. It might hurt their feelings, but still, loving yourself unconditionally means that you recognise your own needs and wants as valid.
This is not saying that you are better or worse than they are, or you can be an asshole. This is just saying that you love yourself as much as you love them. If you love all beings in the universe unconditionally and want the best for them, yes. You have to realise you are also a being in the universe and you have to love yourself in the same way too. Not more, or less, but the same. But start out with loving yourself first, and then let it overflow to other people.
Maybe it would help to see things impartially. Move out of “me and my best friend”, and see it from the third person - “two best friends”. If you have two best friends, and one is busy with her work, and the other comes in and asks for her time, what would you recommend Best Friend Number One does? Given that you love them both equally, how would you keep both No.1 and No.2 happy and loved? Compromise? Prioritise? I don’t know. But you get my point. Everyone’s your best friend - including you.
It’s not like everyone’s your best friend and you’re worth nothing, which is probably a common misconception.
You’re probably thinking of all the stories where people sacrifice themselves for someone else completely. This reminds me of what they call the pre/trans fallacy.
A baby, for example, is pre-ego. It’s not old enough to have an ego yet. An enlightened person also has no ego, but he or she has shed the ego. Both are egoless states, but they are not the same - but it’s easy to get confused. One is pre-ego, the other is post-ego. What some people forget is that having an ego is a necessary stage of growth. (Again I still have an ego, so I’m just going on research - no personal experience here).
Same thing with love, I believe. If you don’t love yourself yet, it’s probably not the right idea to jump straight into extreme altruism. Love yourself completely first, and then let that slowly evolve you into altruism. So, set up healthy (friendly) boundaries, and then as your own love expands, transcend the boundaries. I hope. This last part is what I’m not sure of, because like I said I’m not there myself. As I understand it, it’ll naturally happen - no need to force anything.
Hm…not sure if that makes any sense….let me know if it does
Aug 12th, 2007
Albert
Oh just to clarify - I’m not suggesting you go out and sacrifice yourself for others once you have a certain level of self-love. I’m just saying that from what I’ve read, it happens as a natural consequence. I’m not endorsing anything, though. Spend some time setting up your own healthy boundaries first, and see where that takes you.
People in those stories are super-dedicated, and I’m not sure if it’s a metaphor (I heard of an enlightened master who cut off his own flesh to feed a starving dog, or something! ARGH! This is not what I’m suggesting!) I hope it’s a metaphor. He would be smarter to go to the butchers and buying the dog some meat. He can probably do more good too that way.
Aug 12th, 2007
Marilyn
Thank you. It is always easier for me to understand the concept of something, rather than learning hard and fast rules. Then I can take it into my life and be able to use the principle in any circumstance I come across. This is why I like your writing so much.
Thank you, Marilyn
Aug 14th, 2007
Helen
I like the information very helpful for a student of life. I have been searching for many years for “enlightenment”, which to me means inner peace, love and joy for life. In 1984 I had an experience of total inner peace from negative thoughts, I was filled with joy and love. After 6 weeks of this experience and negative influence from an outside force, I returned to my former state of anger, blame, fear. I have tried to retrace how I got to that state over the past 24 years with no success, and so I finally gave up a few years ago. Just recently, I began thinking and questioning myself about my happiness and noticed the absence of joy within my life. Many forms of addictions were created to fill this gap and I was tired to focusing on the addictions, I wanted to go beyond and remembered how I did not need these addictions to feel joyful. As I searched within myself I soon realized my problem, which was my thinking pattern. I was so so immersed with thinking of my addictions I bypassed the problem. I never questioned my thinking pattern, so in other words no matter what healing method I started my thinking would sabotage it and I would give up. This pattern had become a habit so ingrained within even I didn’t know it was there. I looked at the 12 step programs before with my addictions and I gave up because I didn’t feel I was going anywhere. I went to meetings for years, you name it, acoa, co da, aa, alanon, e.a. for help. Now when I looked back I took my “dis ease” with me and wasn’t aware of it so how could I get well. I was dealing with symptoms only and not the core. I began to apply the 12 step program for my “negative thinking”, and something began to happen within. I noticed all kind of thoughts which were buried for years begin to surface, most notably, anger and blame toward myself, for everything. What Marilyn wrote is true, I have really tried to love others in the past, but couldn’t, because I was too filled with anger, resentment and blame, how could I? I really didn’t like being this way. I agree with you about not using positive thoughts to repress, when I read it I said, “right on”, heres someone who knows what he’s talking about. Over the years I have used the positive affirmations and positive thoughts, but it didn’t work for me, and I even tried many therapy groups and went along with other peoples positive energies believing it was I who made the break through, only to find myself alone at home with same negative feelings and thoughts. I am not knocking myself for trying to help myself, I am beginning to understand what I was trying to do for myself. Its amazing how our minds work, I know where I am upon waking in the am, its where my thoughts are, and lately I’ve been observing how hard I am on myself. What I am doing now is experimenting with various techniques to change these thoughts. First of all when it started and why I choose to think this way and next be aware when I am doing it and next to stop myself from furthering hurting myself. Now this is real work, in the past I thought I was working on myself, but when I look back I wasn’t really. This is real change. I believe what happened in 1984 was this, it was evening I just separated from my ex husband, I just hung up the phone on him and the topic was about his happiness vs my happiness. He wanted me to reconcile but I didn’t want to because I had adjusted to a life which made me happy.(we had been separated for a few months) I felt torn, I hung up with much anger and blame. I began to feel sad for myself and cried for about one hour, after this crying spell, and in the past I didn’t cry very much because much of my feelings were repressed, I remember a gap of nothingness, I got off the floor and went to bed. The next morning I was a different person, the same but different within. I was filled with love, joy and peace I had never in my life known. I wasn’t afraid of anyone and I enjoyed every moment. I could clearly see how many people were doing the same as I was self punishing things in manner and behavior, I could see this and I felt for them. Now, I believe its in my thinking pattern and the gap. I am not there yet, its still a new discovery for me. Only time will tell if this is it, in the past I have felt excited thinking I found the answer only to be disappointed. In closing, I want you to know I am grateful for finding your site, it was very helpful to meet others along the trail.
Mar 9th, 2008
Albert
Wow Helen, thanks for sharing that story. I’m very impressed by your courage - it must take a lot of it to undertake the journey you are. One thing I can suggest for long term change is emotional work:
http://www.urbanmonk.net/85/th.....at-simple/
Let me know how you go with it
Mar 9th, 2008
Helen
Thank you for your immediate response, its nice to receive feedback. I work on my thoughts everyday and you know what? I am beginning to feel happy, even though I am unemployed and broke at the moment. I look forward to each moment and the thinking challenges which come.
Mar 13th, 2008
Albert
That’s fantastic to hear Helen - I take inspiration from your courage - like I said it’s very rare to hear from someone like you - who have taken action to move out of unhappiness instead of wallow in it. Thank you.
Mar 13th, 2008
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