Love, Sorrow, and Attachment
Gautama Buddha once said: ” I teach one thing and one only: that is, suffering and the end of suffering.”
And what causes this suffering? He answers this question in his four Noble Truths: “The origin of suffering is attachment.”
Attachment. Does it not ring true? I think back to the news, to the stories I’ve heard, to my past. A young woman kills herself when she is disfigured in an accident - attachment to her looks. A colleague started screaming and yelling when her position at work was disrespected - attachment to her status. A friend flies into a violent rage when he finds his parked car dented by a stranger who had long fled the scene.
A young man jumps off a building when his wife left him for another. Another goes on a drinking binge that lasts for weeks. A third gets fired from his job - Attachment to their lovers.
The impermanency of all things is something that we know, deep down inside, and yet we refuse to acknowledge. We know it - we have to, but we spend all our might trying to forget it. Nothing is permanent. Our life, our health, our wealth, our lovers and enemies, our happiness and sorrows - they all disappear one day. Everything ends. And when they do, our attachments - our feeble clinging and grasping, our rage and mightiest efforts to hold on… Isn’t that the cause of so much of our misery?
And if you think back to your past, you might be forgiven for thinking that Love is the cause of your sorrows. But it’s not - love is attachment, Love - Love, with a capital L - that is freedom from attachment!
The end of attachment
“I love you!” you exclaim. You swear it under the stars. You shout to the ocean that all you want is for her to be happy. And the next day, when your back is turned, your beloved sleeps with a handsome stranger, for it makes her happy. Then what has happened to your sweet nothings? Nothing - for that was exactly what they were. If you meant what you said - why the anger, why the broken heart? If you meant it, you would have been overjoyed - she was happy, just like you wanted. Your love was flawed, it was selfish - the opposite of Love, the perfect selfless Love.
And the biggest myth is that Love is impossible; that it is the domain of mystics, saints and masters. I remember discussing this with a friend, many years ago. He argued forcefully that this was a mere story tale, that we can’t achieve it, nor should we even try.
But is that true? Everyone has glimpses of Love, even in the clinginess of a “normal” relationship. Sometimes, it happens just by accident - maybe the ego just forgets to step in for a few minutes. Or maybe things are going so well, and you are just overflowing with so much joy.
In those moments, no matter what happens, there will be no pain. When the selfish little “me” is not there, when all your thoughts are on the other, where is the attachment, where is the pain?
The world of form, of things and objects - I have so often heard that they are like clouds. Let them float by, without grasping at them. How can you grasp at clouds? They come, they go - we have no control.
But how? How do we stop grasping? For some, this realisation is enough. They simply allow themselves to stop. For others, this realisation makes everything worse. They have been clinging and grasping their whole lives, and now you tell them they shouldn’t have, and that’s an another layer of sorrow.
How, then? How? Just Love. Start with yourself, and let it overflow until you love completely. For when you love everything you are attached to nothing. When you look at the clouds the same way you look at your lover, when you love each moment as deeply as the last - that is true freedom!
The hurtful and the hateful
And when you think about self-love, you might think about those who take pleasure in hurting others. Aren’t they loving themselves, you might think? Aren’t they filling themselves with love and joy - at the expense of others?
There’s no way of ever knowing for sure what they are feeling, but we can guess, we can put ourselves in their shoes. Haven’t we all felt the same way before? Haven’t we done those things, perhaps on a lesser scale?
All our words - filled with pride and anger, all the revenge we plot and plan, all the pettiness and spitefulness - was that really happiness?
I remember a high school classmate. He took great pleasure in tying kittens up in plastic bags and using them as footballs. I have never seen him do it, but I remember the look of glee on his face as he described it to us the next day. I knew of his story and his childhood - he was a sad and angry person underneath his sadistic surface.
I remember a proud and stand-offish young woman. She took equally great pleasure in torturing the men who tried approaching her in bars and clubs, and would afterwards laugh and sneer at them as they skulked off in failure. When I got to know her better, I found that she hid much sadness and regret beneath her cold surface.
I remember, years ago, being so angry at someone that I fired off a series of long and abusive emails. I had been stewing over the event for weeks, trying to hold it in and “be mature”, but I just had to erupt. It satisfied me tremendously - for about ten minutes. It didn’t reduce my anger or my urge to hurt and destroy. All I remember of myself from that period was - I was a very angry and sad person.
Why did we do all these things? Did we really find pleasure and happiness in doing what we did? Or was it a temporary escape, similar to the man who drowns his sorrows in alcohol?
One last memory, then. A girl from my teenage years, who had been the victim of child abuse. Her mental torture was endless and constant. Every time something happened to remind her of her past, she would retreat into her room and cut her own wrists. Not enough to penetrate the arteries, but just enough to release some blood. When she showed me the scars, I was stunned.
“Why would you do something so stupid?” I exclaimed. Her answer made so much sense - the sharp new pain; it takes her mind off her constant background misery! The blood dripping out of her wrists, it was a release for her… She saw her misery escaping through the gash in her skin.
Is that why we behaved the way we did? Hurting ourselves, hurting others - simply to provide a fresh, sharp cut that lets us forget temporarily the constant, endless misery of disliking ourselves.
In hurting others, you only hurt yourself
I have heard: In hurting others, you only hurt yourself. And for a long time, I didn’t understand what it meant. It seemed like a nice cautionary tale, a bedside story for your children, but nothing more.
Recently, in the emotional mastery series, I stopped running away from my sorrows and turned around to face them. As I healed those wounds, smaller, older injuries rose to the surface.
Some of these memories were not surprising - how others had hurt me, embarrassed me, and humiliated me. But some of them were – how I had hurt them, embarrassed them, and humiliated them. They were all the same. Underneath the stubborn pride and the “to hell with them” attitude, my heart silently knew the truth - there was no difference.
Why would a happy man go out and hurt others? A happy man simply wants to be left alone with his music and his poetry. And when his joy gets too much for one person, then he’ll go out and share it - there is no other way.
When I was alone and upset, long ago, I would hide up in my room at night and wallow in my own dejection. If my sorrow could speak, it would say - “How I wish those who hurt me could feel this same pain, and know what they did to me!”
One night, I was overcome by a strong urge to sit outside on the front porch and look at the moon. I spent hours there, basking in the cold winter breeze. Slowly I began to smile at the moon, and it felt like the moon was smiling back at me, washing away my pains. If my smile could speak, it would say - “How I wish those who hurt me could be here and see the same moon.”
And isn’t that what people do when they are happy? Watch - when someone begins dancing, dancing out of pure joy - not out of a need to be admired - they’ll grab someone else and pull them into the dance. How do you hurt someone when you are happy? How can you not share your joy? It is impossible.
Love and Improvement
Recently I was reading another blog on personal development. It was a long, complicated post on reconciling the conflict between self-acceptance and self-improvement. And that issue has been raised in many other places before - “How can you love and accept yourself exactly as you are and still want to improve yourself?”
My question is: How can you not?
Have you ever seen a man who is in love with his car? He spends hours polishing it, waxing it, tinkering with the engine. Have you ever seen a woman and her infant? Does she leave it alone, simply because it is perfect as it is? No. The baby is perfect to her and yet she wants the best for it. She cuddles it, kisses it, feeds it, and plans for its future. Where is the conflict?
And, I beg you, think of the opposite. How many self-improvement projects stem from a lack of self-acceptance and self-love? How many of us meditate, work out, volunteer at a charity, go looking for a lover, drive ourselves to earn more - to fill a deep sense of “not enough”?
First, know Love. And from there, let everything else flow.
What’s next?
The Monk turns one year older tomorrow! If anyone wants to send a birthday present, I accept Bentleys and Ferraris. Ha!
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56 Comments, Comment or Ping
John Lampard
Great write up as always Albert
And happy birthday for tomorrow; not sure I can manage a prestige car as a gift though!! 
Oct 6th, 2007
K-L Masina | Be Conscious Now
Loved this article Albert - it’s beautifully written. One of your best for sure.
Those who are most hurtfully to others often hide the most pain inside - it’s one way to externalise the agony…
Oct 6th, 2007
Albert
Thanks for the compliments and birthday wishes John and KL, good to see you two again. Experimenting with a different style of writing, and glad to see it is well accepted. Thanks again for stopping by.
Albert
Oct 6th, 2007
Lisa Gates
Albert, my first time here and I love it.
I will send you a Bentley. But you have to promise not to get attached to it.
I may need to borrow it.
Love
Oct 6th, 2007
CarolynB
Happy Birthday! Here’s your virtual sports car
Oct 6th, 2007
Albert
Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone!
Oct 6th, 2007
David Finch
Albert, great article! Struggling with attachments can often be a never ending battle. Letting go to the “unknown and with-if” can see impossible if you’ve been one that clings to everything. Taking small steps can bring big rewards, not to mention a inner peace.
Happy Birthday!!
Oct 7th, 2007
Arvind Devalia
Happy Birthday Albert!
Now that you have put it out there, your Ferrari AND Bentley will show up very soon
Love and best wishes
Arvind
Oct 7th, 2007
Albert
Thanks again for the words and birthday wishes
, everyone. Glad you liked the articles.
Oct 7th, 2007
Galba Bright at Tune up your EQ
A lovely article, Albert. Happy Birthday. Your Lamborghini is on its way by email.
Oct 7th, 2007
Carole
Very reflective and thoughtful article.
And a big happy birthday with chocolate ice on top.
Yeah.
Carole
Oct 7th, 2007
Albert
Again, thank you very kindly. It’s great to see so many compliments and birthday wishes and presents! Thanks everyone!
Oct 7th, 2007
Jerad Kaliher
Great post, the idea of selfless love reminds me of philosophy classes and the idea that we need to keep the idea of ‘the other’ in our minds. It is a purely outward interest that relies only on the core of humanity.
I’m not exactly sure that such a sentiment exists, but then again you never know.
Oct 7th, 2007
Albert
Yes such a love is very rare and I don’t even know if I have experienced more than glimpses and moments of it here and there - but it’s definitely something we can aspire to, I think. Plus it allows us to live a compassionate life and also find inner peace, once we carry it far enough. Thanks for stopping by!
Oct 7th, 2007
Nur
Happy Birthday Monk!!!
Many Bentleys and Ferrari’s to you and every peace and ofcourse
Love (with the capital L)
Have fun. Let the joy overflow.
God bless
Oct 7th, 2007
K-L Masina | Be Conscious Now
I had to come back and weigh in - such love does exist and it’s not rare at all.
All that’s necessary is for us to express it, and it’s available in every moment.
I read this post on Friday, and it’s helped remind me of the difference between Love and ego attachment desire love… and I’ve been practicing all weekend within my relationship - and what a huge difference.
My regular meditation practice helps this Love practice enormously, because it strengthens my ability to catch myself in the gap between ego thought and actual action… that is, I have that crucial moment to choose whether to react or to respond.
From this, I can see how ego loves seeks to ‘get’ and achieve, whereas Love wants only to ‘give’ and experience.
In the end, Love does not even need an object of desire… it does not need an Other to be triggered. It is a state we open into from the inside out, and it is a state we can express to all around us, whether they are our significant other or not.
Like anything, this Love is ultimately a practice. You commit to it, and then you be it… over and over again.
Much joy,
KL
Oct 8th, 2007
Albert
@ Nur: Many thanks and blessings in return - I’m really appreciating all the birthday wishes from my readers, puts a big smile on my face
.
@ KL: Definitely, I know what you mean. It’s certainly a decision to practice ego-less love, and that is available to us any time we want. But the Love that the masters seem to be talking about - a total state - feels very different, or maybe I’m just thinking too much about it.
In my previous post, I described a phone experience, where I went from angry to loving in a split second. That Love felt very different from love that I decided to practice. And I could be wrong, or misinterpreting the teachings, but as long as there is a “you” (ego) to decide to practice ego-less love, it will forever be tinged with a “you”. I could be wrong, though, I don’t know for sure. What do you think? I would love to hear your opinions on this one.
Oct 8th, 2007
K-L Masina | Be Conscious Now
Ha!!
great point Albert. I know the love/bliss you spoke about in that other post… it’s something that infuses the whole Self so that the ego seems to disappear…
I would suggest that perhaps the constant practice of unconditional love from within opens us up into that Love you speak of.
Also… it’s not that ‘you’ decide to practice love, but more that ‘you’ stays IN love and doesn’t react with ego… so there can be a You that is NOT ego.
i like to think of it as lower ego self and Higher Self. Sort of You versus you.
From that place, it is possible to witness the reaction of the ego, yet respond with the Awareness of Self.
Great discussion!
Oct 8th, 2007
Albert
Yeap I’m loving this discussion too! heh.
And I 100% agree that practice love will eventually lead you to the real thing. And sometimes the real thing happens by accident. The way I see it the ego goes to sleep for a few minutes on its own.
And a very interesting point - it’s something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. What lies beyond the ego? From my own experiences, just pure Love / consciousness. Is that the same as the Higher Self you speak of? (I only read a couple things here and there on Higher Selves, don’t know much about them).
Oct 8th, 2007
Mental Self Help
I think David Icke said it best when he said “infinite love is the only truth, everything else is just an illusion”.
Love for yourself and others is the foundation of success. If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you? We all need love in one form or another.
Being a person filled with love, rather than hate, will also make you a healthier person. I was reading about psychosomatic diseases in scientific americian earlier today, and it talked about the link between many diseases and a negative frame of mind. very interesting stuff.
Oct 9th, 2007
Albert
I’ve heard many teachings say that “all is love” - just that we don’t see it. Or something similar. Unless I misinterpreted them wrongly. And yes the mind-body link is fascinating, isn’t it? Thanks for the comment.
Oct 9th, 2007
K-L Masina | Be Conscious Now
There are so many different frames of reference to describe the same experience - and the language is different depending on which culture you’re coming from, or which field of study.
Ultimately language/words can never be expected to describe that which is undescribable…
I use the term Higher Self to refer to that eternal part of us which is Consciousness and connected to Source, or All that Is.
Oct 10th, 2007
Jim
Love can cause many thing happens. But is not everything, we shouldn’t too enthralment on it so much and we should concern on other thing.
Oct 11th, 2007
Albert
Thanks for the input so far, KL and Jim. I do believe Love is the most important thing - in our internal world, at least. But I also see what you mean. Thanks for coming by.
Oct 12th, 2007
Adriana
Albert that was amazing! i love it and just WOW!
i hope you dont mind that share this withouts
you are just such a great writer! and you put things out there
and are so easy to understand
i love your writing!
Oct 12th, 2007
Albert
Adriana, now I’m blushing, hehehe. Thank you very much. Just posted a new post as well, in the same series as this one, please have a look!
Oct 14th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
For me self-improvement started when I hit bottom emotionally with the realization that I hated myself. I realized how much I hated myself when I heard myself telling my husband that I hated him and everything in my world. The witness in me saw and heard me say this and realized that it wasn’t true. The reality was that I hated myself. That was the day that I “woke” up and started working on “me”. I read and applied every self-help book and tool that I could find at the time. This was the late 1970’s. Not as much was available then as we have today. At age 27, I started growing up and taking responsibility for my own world. What I didn’t like about me, I started to change. I have been on that journey ever since then. Learning to love myself was the most difficult, most rewarding thing that I have ever done.
Oct 20th, 2007
Albert
Patricia, I really appreciate your honesty in telling that story, and it’s one of the reasons I can’t leave your blog alone. Such tales are really inspiring, and therefore thanks for leaving your personal touch on my blog.
Oct 20th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, you are welcome. I believe that we teach best by sharing personal experiences. It is the only way that I know how to write. Thanks for your comment about my blog. I hope that I always hold your interest with my stories.
Oct 21st, 2007
Liara Covert
Your article is extremely thorough. I’m always grateful to learn from the personal experience of other people because it enlarges my perspective. Unconditional love and forgiveness may be some of the most fundamental lessons to learn in this world. To gain insight into the nature and value of detachment is also very helpful.
Dec 8th, 2007
Albert
Thank you Liara and Patricia!
Dec 9th, 2007
Liara Covert
We can all be grateful that working through certain kinds of attachments brings us face-to-face with other issues we might have overlooked or ignored. The Moon referemce is eloquent and appropriate. Traditionally, the Moon emits healing powers to those who seek it. No such thing as coincidence in your choice of symbols, or anywhere else for that matter.
Dec 11th, 2007
Albert
I didn’t know that about the moon. Wow, that’s awesome. It wasn’t really a symbol, I really did sit there and look at the moon, and it really did feel so good. Almost timeless.
Dec 13th, 2007
Jon Willis
Hi Albert,
Just got round to reading this posting - thank you - very eloquent and well-written.
Regarding the piece that you wrote about self-acceptance and self-improvement, in the acceptance / Love for ourselves and the world, that is the improvement for me
With much love and thanks,
Jon
Dec 20th, 2007
Albert
Thank you very much Jon, Seasons Blessings!
Dec 20th, 2007
Keith
GREAT article, Albert…so true about attachment. This is the challenge of life: to love, but in a truly selfless way. We must live and give, but without expectation of return…that is true love. This is why faith is so important…because faith alone allows us to “reemerge” to our original self without the external attachment. This is why I have built my website called sacredsyllable.com. I believe that there is only one thing we can rightly attach ourselves to: and that is Divine Spirit (God), who is beyond all limitations, but can be experienced in meditation. This is the path to true freedom. Again, great article…well done!! Regards, Keith
Dec 31st, 2007
Albert
Keith, thank you so much for the kind praise and the wisdom. I really appreciate it, and having you here as well. All the best for 2008!
Jan 1st, 2008
Boat
Wonderful post!
Jan 30th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Boat, glad to see you’re poking around the archives
Jan 30th, 2008
Ottila
I’ve been reading your site for quite a while, and I like it alot. You certainly have a great point Albert. We all need love!
Best wishes
Mar 11th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Ottila! I love having you here
Mar 11th, 2008
Life is Colourful
I stumbled on your blog today only and fell in love with it. Nice articles on so many things that I like to discuss with my spouse. When I think about the weakest link, I figure out that “attachment” is really an origin for all our pains and sorrows. We live with it at every step of our life but still don’t know what it is that causes the pain.
Simply beautiful article! I would read more and comment often on your articles. It would be great to interact with you then. Isn’t it!
May 14th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Life is Colourful! What a great compliment, thank you so much. Yes, it would be great to have you here more
May 14th, 2008
Life is Colourful
Albert, thanks for reading through it and I am feeling sad that I found this blog so late in my online excursion.
May 14th, 2008
Jerry Eflow
Your article is extremely thorough and helpful. I’m always grateful to learn from the personal experience of other people because it saves my getting into errors others would have made. Unconditional love and forgiveness may be some of the most fundamental lessons to learn in this world. To gain insight into the nature and value of detachment is also very helpful.
Jun 18th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Jerry! Learning love is truly one of the most rewarding journeys we can ever undertake.
Jun 18th, 2008
Kris
Great article, and brought me some peace
thank you.
Jul 1st, 2008
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