When we are in the depths of our loneliness, what comforts us – what could possibly take us away from it? What, indeed? So often, it feels like there is no solace; like we are running from our own shadow. And it is true, in a way. There is no escape from being alone. We are always alone. But there is a way out of loneliness.
All our efforts at escaping loneliness are fundamentally flawed, for we don’t understand the nature of what we are running from. There is something beautiful about your loneliness. And when you see that, when you acknowledge it, learn to delight in it, that’s when something shifts inside you. When your loneliness becomes aloneness – that is freedom! That is when you can truly begin to Love!
As Osho once said – the first thing is to acknowledge aloneness. Aloneness is our true nature; we can never, ever, not be alone. We come into this world alone, we leave the world alone. And in between these two, we are alone – but we frantically hide from it, run from it, pretend it isn’t true.
I remember analysing an attachment style test in a psychology class once. It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships. One of the questions was: “Do you ever feel like you want to completely merge with another?”
The room erupted into an awkward, hesitant burst of laughter at such a question. How absurd! – they seemed to be saying. But I remained silent. An old memory struck me, and I remembered feeling that same depth of loneliness, once, a long time ago. Or perhaps it never truly left me – an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person.
Feeling cut-off in the middle of a lunchtime crowd, feeling alone when cuddling with a girlfriend; always on the outside looking in at life. I remember glancing around at my fellow students. The look on their faces – it seemed like many felt the same way.
This alienation is the universal dilemma of human existence – never at ease, never at home. It drives almost everything we do. Loneliness and separation is an intrinsic, permanent part of our ego.
In the teachings of non-duality, the core of many religions and philosophies, the message is simple – we are all part of the infinite, ever-present, eternal One Life. We are all deeply interconnected and inseparable.
The ego, then, is the universal illusion, the exaggerated feeling of “I”, and the root of all our solitude. For the moment we feel we are “I”, that is the moment we have created the “Not-I”, the other, everything else. We become a fragment, cut off from the rest of existence. We become a dot in this world, forgotten by God.
This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.
For others, those who laughed at the test, this sense is unconscious. They lack something, but they don’t know what it is. And so they seek, and strive, and struggle, yet all the time not knowing what it is they are trying to fill. More belongings, more sex, more status, more power, more recognition, more, more, more. Almost all their efforts stem from this drive for self-completion. But it is all futile – we are throwing our energies down a bottomless pit. That we are trying to fulfil is the very thing that is causing our lack.
Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation. If we are lonely, it must make sense that we need a special someone! Logical and cold, like a business transaction. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lover, someone, anyone! We have reduced them to a mere cover up for our sorrows – no different from the misuse of alcohol, the noise of our television, or killing time on the phone until we can next be with someone – as if we have so much time to kill!
Sex is the closest we can get to oneness on a physical level, and that is why it is so deeply satisfying. And when we peer deeper into our heart, fragmentation shows up as a need to attach, to cling, to melt and to merge. How many people are conscious of this lack? How common is this primordial sense of alienation? Common enough to show up on a standardised psychological test.
And so we look for someone to take away that feeling. When we are with someone, we can take our mind off that background sense of disharmony. Suddenly, our existence seems to have meaning. “I am not alone!” You exclaim, as you cuddle, hug, and kiss. “I have someone who needs me, who wants me! I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am worthy! I am no longer alone!”
And yet, a mere cover-up is all they will ever be. Even when we are with our loved ones, we are still just as we are – alone.
A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the “host” sub-culture, in the nightclub districts of an affluent country. It revolved around handsome young men - dressed up gaudily, highly trained in seduction, paid to lounge around in special bars. They play host to multitudes of women – often young, pretty, and rich – who pay for their company, their caresses, and their idle flattery.
The film focused in particular on the finest host in town – a charming man who owned his own bar. He was living the dream. His prowess with women made other men pale in comparison. He stole women away from their husbands and boyfriends. Women fought over him, sometimes physically, sometimes by throwing money at him, and he goes home with a different one every night. It seemed he would be the last man on Earth to feel alienated.
Near the end of the documentary, I remember the interviewer asking him if it was all worth it. He hangs his head and sighs. “It was all fun for the first few years. But after a while… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am the loneliest man in the world.”
If romance and sex, if money and fame and recognition offer no relief, what does one do? When you are in the throes of heartache and loneliness, what good are the teachings on oneness and inter-existence? Unless you can experience what they are pointing to – how do they comfort you?
Pretty words to fill your head, and then you close the book and turn to look at your bed, and find it as cold and lonely as it was before. If we can never not be alone, what then? All I can offer is a change of perspective.
Another quote from Osho, then: Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.
On the surface, they look the same. But in reality, they are worlds apart.
Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.
You are alone. Why make it into a problem? Relax into your loneliness; into your sadness. Don’t run from your aloneness, for it is always there. Celebrate being alone, delight in yourself, dance in your aloneness. If you can’t, then you will forever be running away. Love yourself. It is the only way.
Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don’t think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you’ll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don’t want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.
We go off into the city, into the office, into the nightclubs, to run from our aloneness. The teachers, the gurus, the Zen masters – they go off into the mountains so they can get better acquainted with it.
So what? Then what? Once you delight in yourself, then – and only then – can you truly delight in the other. It’s a paradox, one of the biggest ones in the world. Only when you no longer need a lover; that is when you can find romance. Anything else is a sham, a pale imitation.
A sham. That’s what the entire game of romance is. Who is our “romance” really about? Us, and us alone. We say – I love you. But what we really mean is – Please love me. Manipulation is all it is.
Manipulation to fill our gaps, so we can feel loved, to feel needed. In fact, we have come to confuse the two words – being needed, to us, is the same as being in love!
A friend of mine was complaining to me about something very strange. Her husband had begun to discover the joys of aloneness. He had become meditative, more content and quietly joyful. He loved and laughed when he was with her, but he was also beginning to enjoy his solitary time. He was starting to see that there was nothing lacking, that he no longer needed her to feel complete.
And she began going insane. She became worried; her suspicions began overwhelming her. Why is he so content, so happy? What was he doing in his solitary walks in the park? Is there another woman? She followed him, but he did nothing wrong – he just walked. She spied on him when he was alone in the study, but he did nothing wrong there either – he was meditating, reading, praying. No forbidden love, no strange fetish.
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time.
Neediness is so common that we think it’s a sign of romantic love. But neediness is simply that – neediness. And this need will never be satisfied, for nobody – no matter how sweet, handsome, beautiful, gentle, extravagant, and attentive – can ever love your ego the way it wants to be loved.
At most, you will be satisfied for a period of time – the “honeymoon” phase, when you are “in love”, when everything seems perfect and beautiful. Your existence seems to have meaning, for someone needs you and loves you.
Then one day your needs and insecurities – all symptoms of the basic, primordial sense of fragmentation - raise their heads again. Or maybe it just seems that way – they had always been there, we just forgot about them for a while. And that’s when the arguments start, for we think it is the fault of the other person.
“You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. And the sweetness, the smiles and the kisses begin to swing the other way. We become sad; we attack them for not making us happy; we manipulate them into giving us more. Maybe they give in, and the pendulum swings back into sweetness. Maybe they don’t, and we break up in tears and anger. This even seems normal.
But it is not their fault. No one can take away our primordial sense of separation except us. But we don’t know that, and so we go on complaining and pulling strings. We forget that the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.
Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. They only give a plastic love, in the hope that someone will give real Love in return. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.
But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that’s when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.
Dedicated to all those who are or have been lonely and alienated.
This article is perhaps the most misunderstood article I have ever written; and so I’d like to clear up some common misunderstandings here:
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wow albert.
wow - there’s a nail somewhere whos head is ringing.
so obviously true once you read it, but shows true insight to have written it
and again wow!
Thank you very much dc and john, now I gotta stop it from getting to my head heh heh heh. Just joking.
WOW…You’ve outdone yourself. Brilliant writing.
Not only for content , but style and sheer eloquence.
I say , ‘let it get to your head’. You deserve to celebrate.
Touches a chord, you’ve addressed a very common and heart-wrenchig issue of loneliness and love.
God bless you with every love
of self, of Oneness,
of the other that is you and the beauty in all, that is also you.
Keep going traveller. Illuminate and share.
Thank very much Nur. You’re a real poet, that’s a fantastic poem there. Thank you.
Well, what can I say Albert?!
This is one of your best articles and very well put across.
I also loved the dedication at the end
Keep it my friend
Arvind
Hello Albert:
This is a nice article. I have been struck for a few years now about the difference between loneliness, which for me, speaks of lack and solitude, which (to me) is quite desirable.
Heya Arvind and Galba, thanks very much
. It was inspired by a few experiences I’ve had over the past few weeks, glad to see that I got something good out of it heh.
Eloquent and insightful, writing that reaches out and touches you, beautiful.
Thank you very much Ben, glad you liked it, really.
Beautiful, and profound, and very timely.
Thanks Honey. Good to see you around
.
One my biggest accomplishments this year is falling in love with myself and being by myself. Life will never be the same again! Thank you for the reminder. It’s beautifully written.
Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
Thanks Tina, and great to make your acquaintance - we’ll move the conversation over to email, yea?
“Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation.” - Couldn’t agree more!
THanks Adventures in Hosting!
its sounds easy to write, but i guess it nees lots of observation and insight and reflection to produce this article.
good job..keep up the good work!
You’ve done it again. You have written a really great article. Back in 1993, I did an oil painting (I have no training in painting at all.) of what I thought was emptiness, loneliness,the hole in my middle that felt so empty. Then I wrote a few words about the painting. Here they are:
When at first I looked at you,
I called you empty.
But now as I look at you,
I see that you are quite full.
Inside your walls of black are colors of red and green.
The mixture of red and black is anger and rage.
The ugly shade of green is for the ever-present fear.
This was what loneliness felt like to me. I felt it really really deeply.
Once I learned to love myself, I no longer felt this loneliness. From self-love, comes the recognition of aloneness as being a wonderful spending of time by yourself with yourself. Guess what? Today I love who I am when I spend time with myself. Because of that time spent with myself, I can love my husband, my children, my friends much more deeply than ever before.
Patricia, once again you demonstrate that poetic hand that makes your blog so irresistable. And it’s not just me saying that, I’ve heard many others say the exact same thing too. Thanks for dropping by and sharing.
Anime, thanks for the comment - and apologies for not replying sooner, your comment went into the spam section automatically.
Wow - what a great article. This has touched me so much, because I identify with every word.
Thank you Alex - good to see you around, buddy. Glad you liked it
Brilliant again my little Monk.
I must share - after my marriage breakup I was deeply wounded……and ANGRY. I hated everyone, including myself and especially men. Over a two year period of darkness I reacquainted myself with my core, with who I am, what I like, why I am, etc. The day I woke up and decided to live life again was the day my life really started. It started soooo lonely but I liked it.
I became happy because I chose happiness. I became comfortable with myself and my own company. I went out alone, dined alone and laughed alone (when the kids were at their Dad’s). And then damn it, when I wasn’t looking or had time for somebody else, I met Paul.
My goodness me…I thought I had been in love before but how could I be loved if I didn’t love me first.
I only now know togetherness because I fist found and embraced loneliness. Bring on the loneliness I say.
M
Thanks for sharing Megan - always love hearing these personal stories. And a great one too. It’s interesting - I’ve been reading some other responses to this article elsewhere and quite a few people have misinterpreted what I’m trying to say, so thank you for affirming that I’ve done it right
Hi Albert~
Just came over from the Carnival of Healing to read your post.
Bravo!
I agree with you 100%.
You share what “true power” is, and that sometimes threatens others’ beliefs….but that’s a good thing!
Thank you for saying this.
I’ll be back to read more.
Be well,
Ron
Ron, thank you very much for your high praise and the support for what I say and do, I really appreciate it.
Truly amazing article. I enjoyed reading it almost as much as I enjoy reading Osho magazines and books.
This part said it all:
If people could understand this part, nobody would cry about feeling left out, feeling cheated, etc:
About 5 or 6 months ago, I used to feel lonely all the time, completely bored of this life. But after reading the book “Osho: A Sudden Clash of Thunder”, I’m truly enjoying my aloneness.
One of my favorite Osho quotes: “When you don’t need a person at all, when you are totally sufficient unto yourself, when you can be alone and tremendously happy and ecstatic, then love is possible.” — OSHO
Avinash, thanks a lot for the praise. I’m a big fan of Osho as well, and he was a comfort during some of the things in my personal, which then inspired this article. Thanks for stopping by
How true!!!! I didn’t even know that aloness thing what it exists in me and I enjoy being alone!! So true…. I confronted my sadness, when into loneliness and found aloness…. i dont even realize that I found freedom by mistake.
Dan, I’m so glad that you found freedom - it’s a great feeling, isn’t it? Even though I’ve only seen glimpses of it so far, it’s something I really want more of.
So, I believe that this is inaccurate. It is generalizing an idea, assuming no one loves another for other reason than for self-happiness. There are people out there (even when this might be hard to believe for the writer) that love and care about other human beings without the intention of filling their ‘emptiness’ or loneliness. Love is not always about looking for someone special to end your loneliness. Sometimes it is about honestly loving and caring without looking for something back. I disagree with most of this text since it is founded in a specific situation that does not generalize to all the human kind (however, I understand how hard can it be to believe that there are people in this world that does not fit this category. But there are).
Hey Juan - thanks for the comment. I think we’re talking about the same thing. I do believe there are people out there who Love for the sake of Loving. But these people are the ones who have turned loneliness into aloneness. If you are lonely, then all your love is used to cover it up. If you have accepted your aloneness, then all your love is genuine - just like you said. So I think we’re pretty much talking about the same thing.
A great article. Paradoxically, it is when we complete own our perception, including the parts of ourself that sees fragmentation and isolation, that we can truly open ourselves to our wholeness. As Gandhi once said, “The ends are the means”. You cannot achieve wholeness by denying any part of Self.
PS. I put the post that I was referring to earlier, The Void
Great post on the Void, Matthew - and one I totally agree with. Left a comment there. Thanks for stopping by.
I really liked this. I am not sure i believe it all though… Let me rephrase that. I don’t want to believe it. If all this is true, i am in deep trouble. I seriously don’t see how I can ever really love. Maybe fake love is whats best for me. I don’t know. This will sound extremely bad/sad but I really don’t see how i could even enjoy being alone when i don’t even like myself.
I plan on getting the Osho book mentioned in the comments. Hopefully it can be of some help.
Hey 1+1… thanks for the comment
. I do believe that liking yourself, falling in love with you are just right now - is the most important thing in your life. Way more important than a relationship. Way more blissful too. You might be interested in the Love and aloneness articles in this series, I’ve gone in-depth there. Check it out in the articles page.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/articles/
Bit of reading, but you really have to like yourself first before you can be happy
The Flower of Love might be especially relevant to you.
Albert, I just discovered your website and can’t stop reading your articles. You have amazing insight. Thank you so much, your thoughts/words are coming to me in perfect timing.
Hey Nancy, good to have you here, and thank you for your compliments
Dear UrbanMonk,
I created an abstract of your article on loneliness and romance and set a link to the full article in my e-collage on loneliness. I found your comments on attachment and romance to be quite incendiary and difficult, but no doubt apt. I invite you to visit my e-collage at what4.wordpress.com Thanks for the insight.
Janet McClelland
Janet, thanks for the link. And that picture…i don’t know if it’s disturbing or funny
. Would love to hear more about why this article is incendiary, though.
But I find that picture disturbing. To me, it looks like the proof of where the modern world is headed. A lot of people are living in a hidden matrix, that’s not hidden at all if you have spare time to watch it acting like a sweet poison.
Wait, they do have enough time to watch themselves trapped in a matrix created by their own thoughts but they don’t want to care! To ‘em, T.V. programs are much more important than their lives. They can read 100s of romance novels in a year but reading a single book on personal development is too borrring..
Albert, have you watched “The Matrix” series? This modern world is similar to The Matrix. The only difference is that the people living in this real world matrix are not controlled by a single ‘powerful computer’. They are controlled by billions of super-powerful computers a.k.a. human minds.
Sadly, so many people don’t want to care if they are controlling their minds or they are being controlled by their minds.
Avinash, you’ve hit on something I’ve been thinking about, and talking with some other bloggers. Why do you think this is so? Why do you think people spend time complaining, or losing their mind in entertainment, rather then do something about their unhappiness / loneliness?
I’ve read some self help books before, but I wasn’t ready for it internally. What would be the shift? What would be the push, before someone gets up and takes responsibility for themselves/
First of all, thanks for asking these questions! Though I’m not an expert in this topic, I do spend a lot of time examining human behavior. From what I’ve learned so far, I can tell that the current generation can’t be healed/cured. The reason is pretty simple to understand.
Because their parents used to do the same thing? Because everybody does the same thing in our society?
The answer might sound funny but if one really wants to control his mind and life, he should leave this society for some time and spend a few months alone in a jungle.
One needs to be fully conscious if he wants to find the true happiness. Just try to watch your activities for an hour. You’ll realize that you become lost in the same old matrix of thoughts. It’s pretty difficult to remain conscious in this modern world. That’s why the suggestion to spend a few months in a jungle.
Hey Avinash, loving this discussion! I read somewhere that we are all beings in constant vibration, and the reason why we don’t click with certain books is because of incompatible vibration level. Sounds very strange, though.
I agree with the being alone thing, to watch your mind, and find your true self. I’ve been as alone as I can for the past year, and it’s changed my internal life, and have written much about aloneness recently.
Still, how does one motivate others to find the truth, or to find themselves? Change them from someone who sits and complains, to someone who takes responsibility?
Big answer: You can’t expect a friendly behavior from a grown up wild tiger ’cause it might be easy to train a baby tiger to live with humans like a cute pet but it’s pretty difficult to change the nature of a grown up tiger.
Something similar applies with us humans. We’ve developed a society that is sick. Just spend a day watching a thief and you’ll realize who is faultier if a girl’s purse is gone in a snap. Sometimes, they don’t even realize unless they need to pay for something. Why does this happen? Because people aren’t conscious at all. People are walking on the streets but they don’t have an idea about what’s going on inside their brain.
Today you’ve asked this question to me but trust me, I’ve tried too many times to make many people understand why they should spend sometime alone, watching their own activities, concentrating their minds on their own thoughts. While a few guys (15 - 21) tried my suggested techniques, the people in 23 to 50 age range appeared to be ignoring my suggestion. Many of ‘em even ended up making my joke. That’s why I wrote in my previous comment that the current generation can’t be healed/cured. In fact, I even tried to convince my parents but no use.. Finally in 2001, I realized that changing yourself maybe easy, changing others is not and have been living alone since then.
Short answer: Instead of trying to make the grown ups understand the fundamentals of life, humanity, etc, we should concentrate our minds on the new generation. Kids will understand, grown ups will not. And the people who understand these things are exceptions, aren’t they?
P.S. I’m gonna spend sometime reading your articles on aloneness.
Hey there…thanks for the detailed comment!
Hmm…I do believe that everyone has the potential to change, age has nothing to do with it. I agree that we are just brought up and socialised into false ways of thinking though. I thought perhaps strong personal trauma was the reason we began to find reason to change our thinking. Like how some people don’t change their diet and exercise until they become too fat for their own good.
Thanks again for the discussion.
My pleasure!
By the way, I didn’t say that people don’t have the potential to change.I was just trying to say that grown ups usually tend to ignore these fundamentals ’cause of staying attached to the same sick society for years.
The answer of your previous questions is hidden in your own reply. Notice what you have written?
“…don’t change…. until they become too..”
Yes, that’s the answer. That’s the human nature. Just like people don’t change their diet and exercise until they become too fat for their own good, people can’t be convinced to focus on the fundamentals of happiness until they become too sad.
I see many people reading self-development books but are all of ‘em able to change themselves? No. Even if they try, they can’t change themselves until they reach an extreme state. That “too fat” in your example is an extreme state and my experience says that one can’t remain in an extreme state for a long period of time. Then the fall is certain. Once you fall, you are ready for a new start.
I hope it made any sense. If it didn’t, sorry for wasting your pixels.
Not at all Avinash, I’m loving your insight. Thanks for all that
Another excellent article, Albert.
As I believe we are all one–single points of perspective of the ONE mind–then we can never be truly alone. Our segmented consciousness provides the illusion of being alone. We are not even physically alone, as that physicality is illusion.
“I love you” may often be used in manipulation–conscious or unconscious–but it is certainly not “all it is.”
I will agree that in the end our love is the Absolute loving another aspect of itself (therefore us loving ourself), in order to experience this sublime level of the expression one must be fully focused and engaged in the here and now..fully giving love to the one that we are (in this segmented consciousness) expressing love to.
Peace and wonder,
CG
CG, that is beautiful. Thank you for affirming my article, and what I was trying to convey.
In case you haven’t read it, Osho’s autobio is quite intriguing: Autobiography of a Spiritually-incorrect Mystic.” As far as spending time alone, many people forget value is found in learning to listen to the self. Often, amidst the hustle-bustle of modern society, the choice to explore meditation, retreats or other areas of spirituality, can be like rebirth and renewal. I would encourage anyone who hasn’t yet to give it a chance.
Very nice. I love Osho. Is his autobiography just a story, or does it contain lessons? Got too much on my reading plate at the moment! Thanks again Liara.
Albert,
Standing in a house full of people during Christmas over 2 years ago this horrible suffocating darkness penetrated my soul and even with all the “close” people who were attending, I felt a loneliness so deep I had to walk out of the house. It was as if I were the only one standing there amidst a home full of mannequins. Time stood still and this was when I realized how “lonely” I was. The beginning of a journey on a dark path, but would later become brighter. For some reason I was thinking about some of the old “Eagle’s” songs, just now…Must have been a sad time for the song writer. Their songs now resonate with happiness…
Hey Amanda, thank you so much for sharing. It’s always beautiful to hear from the personal experience of others, and I am glad to hear that your path has become brighter.
I think that what you wrote above is extremely hard to achieve. Especially, when you are a woman and when your biological clock is ticking so loud that you can’t sleep at night. It would be very nice to accept my loneliness, but how can I turn off my biology, in particular my hormones which shout that time is running out for me? To accept my loneliness is to accept that I may never have a baby. It is much easier for man, because you don’t have this kind of pressure over your head…
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time. ”
I am confused on this one. I thought that unconditioned love aims to make your loved one happy and not miserable. I think your friend became self-absorbed and it upsets his wife. If you love someone you will not leave them falling apart while you are enjoying/discovering yourself. He could talk to her and explain what he is doing. He might also add that he loves her and will not do anything to upset her. And I bet because she loves him very much too she will let him to do whatever he needs at this time.
To be alone is not natural for a human being. Evolutionary speaking we are social animals. Dog, for example, is a social creature as well. Dog will always seek a company of other dogs, no matter what, because they are wired this way. And they will suffer tremendously when they are alone. Does a dog have an ego? I don’t think so. Humans are wired this way too. This is our evolutionary trait - we have evolved to be social beings. And you lie to yourself when you say that it is desirable, beneficial and normal to be alone.
As mentioned in the story, my friend’s husband loved and laughed even more when he was with her - he gave even more than he normally does. But why was he able to do that? Because he didn’t need her anymore. And when you don’t need someone, that is when you can love them. Need is clinging, love is freedom. That is all I am saying.
I am not saying that it is normal to be alone, I am just saying that once you stop needing someone, that is when true love is possible.
And that is when, paradoxically, it is more likely for you to find someone. When you need someone, and you keep telling yourself that, then your neediness will be very obvious. Potential lovers will sense this, and unless they are also needy, they will be subtly repulsed by this.
That section, as I’ve titled it, is more about neediness. Neediness is not love, we just confuse it a lot.
Thank you for your comments, if anything is not clear, please let me know so I can clarify further.
Thank you for your answer. However, I insist that we are needy because it is rooted deep inside of us. It is in our genes. The neediest of our ancestors had better chances for survival. We were selected evolutionary for that. Female has to be needy not because of her ego, or anything like that, but simply because her offspring will have much better chances for survival and fruitful life with a support and love of man. How can you stop it? Can you change the color of your eyes? Well, not by wearing contact lenses, but just by meditation? I don’t think so
Hi Valex, thanks for the discussion, I love it. I’m not sure what neediness has to do with survival? I’ve found that the more needy you are, the more a quality mate runs from you. It’s the way most relationships go, one chases, one runs. The more you need someone, the more they tend to run away from you. Of course, I am not a relationship expert, this is just from my personal experience.
I don’t know, but I have definitely been able to reduce my neediness and loneliness, simply because I’ve stopped running from it. It’s not so much a meditation, it’s more an acceptance, which just slowly dissolves all these needy feelings - which usually stem from a sense of inadequacy. And the less needy I am, the more opportunity for love I have found.
The second factor is this: if you are needy, you don’t see the other person as a human being, for who they are. You see them simply for what they can do for you, which is very selfish. And selfishness is the opposite of Love. Once you stop being needy - “make me feel good, make me feel sexy, make me feel worthy” - then you can simply accept them for who they are, and not what they can do for you.
Would love to hear what you think on this.
Hmm you seem to have edited your comment to clarify your definition of neediness as I typed up my reply
. Okay, I think the disagreement is because we have different definitions of neediness.
Yes, women need men, and men need women, to pass on our genes. Without this, the human race would be extinct. But that is not my definition of neediness.
I was thinking more along the lines of the type of guy who jumps on every woman that comes along “please love me, I need you!”, or the girl who jumps on every guy that comes along. This type of neediness, taken to the extreme, is usually called desperation. And it is common knowledge that desperation usually reduces dramatically your chances of actually finding a mate.
The problem is, most people recognise desperation, but not the “lesser” forms, mainly because clinginess is seen as “normal”. Everyone is clinging to someone, but the root of that is selfishness. Love is about the other person, but if you look closely, a lot of our relationships are based on this sort of clinginess.
Even if we say that I love so-and-so because he or she is the greatest kindest man or woman alive, many times (not always), it comes back to us. They are the greatest, so I am also great by proxy. Either that, or I don’t feel happy, I feel lonely, I feel abandoned, so please be with me, so I can stop feeling this way. Very often it comes back to our loneliness or feelings of inadequacy.
But once you let go of these needs, then you can love the other person for who they are. And because you are not desperate, you are far more attractive. I’m really enjoying this discussion, thanks!
I am sorry, but you even further supported my argument. You see, one of the evolutionary strategies for a male is to spread their genes and inseminate as many females as possible. So the “clingy” female as you put it, is a definite obstacle to this strategy. That is why males sense it and run away from it. There is another strategy, but it seems that fewer males choose it. This strategy is quality vs. quantity, i.e. fewer but well invested and cared for offspring which will have much better chance of survival than numerous and abandoned sons and daughters around the world.
I am not sure yet if the true love exists, but I suppose if it does, than you can not be considered clingy by any means. If you truly love each other, you enjoy each other, you want to be together, etc., both of you. Everything else is just not love, I am sorry. It is a power struggle, unrequited love, games, allowing other to be with you, being afraid to be alone, so grabbing anything that comes along, etc (here I agree with you :). If somebody considers you needy he/she does not love you, period! The whole neediness argument goes away the moment you have found MUTUIAL love. And then you can not be needy enough
Unfortunately, I seriously doubt that the true love is out there, so for now the case remains open….
Hmm… okay so we agree on the second point, let’s put that to rest. I do believe in true love, but I respect your opinions, so that’s that.
Let’s return to the first point - I’m not sure what you mean with that. You’re saying that a man wants to go out and spread his genes. If he is clingy, how can he do that? He’ll just latch onto the first female that accepts him. Of course, this applies to both men and women.
You seem to say that a clingy woman keeps a man from going out and impregnating other women, but at the same time you just contradicted yourself (unless I misunderstood your meaning, which is entirely possible) that being clingy actually drives them away, which actually makes it more likely that the guy will find another female. Either that or the guy will actually stay, which means he has no other choices, i.e. he is needy himself.
The only people, male or female, that really have any choice / possibility to find love or a quality lover, are those who are not clingy.
Yeah, this is a paradox poor females have to face. They can’t help being clingy (biology), yet drive guys away by being clingy. What to do?
As for a clingy guy, I don’t really know….Maybe its because he wants to make sure that if he is going to invest into that particular female, the baby is better to be his?
I still do not belive that you can be fine and alone. Sorry!
“This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall - is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.”
Absolutely right on, couldn’t agree more!
Thank you PUA!
This is one of the best articles I’ve read on this topic.
And I’m grateful to you for that.
Thank you Boat, that’s very high praise.
I know it has been said a few times by now, but yeah, wow. Albert, you are truly a skilled writer, and not only that, you’re damn smart. I’ll have to go through your whole archives some day, I guess they’re filled with wisdom like this.
Alex, that is one of the best compliments I’ve received for the blog. Thank you very much! I really enjoy your blog very much too.
Great post! A person can be among lots of people and still feel lonely.
Loneliness hurts and if love can help, why not?
Being alone, IMHO, is not being lonely. We need to be alone in order to sought out our thoughts.
Anyway, good to read! Thanks.
Thank you Gary! You’re 100% right - almost every great person (by my own definition heh) I know has been through a period where they were completely alone and sought inward - and they’ve come out of it transformed.
Ahh, that was a great post to read. I like people who think and make others think. That’s what You made me do now ^^
I agree to some extent, and I got myself some great discussion ideas from You. I will refer back to this page too…
In my small experience, I have lots of friends who can’t understand my calmness(/philosophy), though it’s nothing special. I believe it’s quite close, maybe the same, with what You call “aloneness”. I don’t mind being alone, nor do I feel bored/lonely by it. It’s maybe even the opposite - I feel calm and free just sitting under the sun doing nothing special…
Thanks :]
Marin, thanks! I think what you have there - that calm - is certainly something special. Many people need to distract themselves whenever they are alone, because they can’t stand to face what arises when there is nothing else to think about. That’s amazing to hear that you have that calm.
hi. great article you have here. and great discussion too! thanks. bookmarked! i’ll be back…
I sometimes feel this loneliness,
what should I do, continue to feel it until i realize it’s an illusion,
or will the ego continue those sad voices?
Also I already read that human are social animals….
excellent article by the way
Hi Chicago Movies and Need, thanks for the comment. Loneliness, like the other emotions, will pass once you stop fighting it. Some people are chronically angry, they might take a while to relax into themselves so all the anger is released; others are generally happier and take only a short period to do the same - it is the same with loneliness, it depends on the individual, but it will go. And then you can be social again
I want to feel complete.
I think it’s true that lot of todays love is approval seeking.
Being dependent;..manipulation.
So I will let my sad ego voices be, and observe them then..
Thanks Need, try the Blossoming of Love post for a bit more on this!
there is no need to be happy, since I didn’t already achieve that.
but will check the post you advice me
how old are you albert?
albert = you who wrote those articles?
Yeap, I wrote them, and I’m 26. Why?
Hmm, couldn’t help to barge in, sorry.
NEED, your reason to feel incomplete/lonely seems to be love, although you do realize what you need. It seems like you bring that loneliness to yourself. So if you do, why not fight it.
Well, yeah, I admit there are sometimes in which the sub consciousness is unbeatable, until the moment you let it go, yet that can also be seen as a way of fighting. Completeness in first place is something that people bestow upon themselves. Like having a girlfriend, than loose it, and the bed seems too damn big now, like it is missing parts. If you do not stop thinking of it that way, the bed will always miss parts. (//for example)
Wishes are something greater than they seem. When you wish to be lonely, you can, no matter if it’s based on emotions, loss, will, in the root, there is always the wish for it. When your wish becomes a daily feeling, a habit, just observing it won’t help much, because the reason to be lonely will no longer be one of the respectful reasons. And than, you have to find your wish/motivation/will to change this.
Realizing one problem is way off solving it, I think you know that. But running away from a problem, although is not the best, still IS a solution, much better than dragging it along all the way. Life isn’t that long, and it’s bad enough, to bring “bonus” bad feelings like loneliness upon ourselves.
Now, sorry if I my comment isn’t on place, sorry if I’ve gone off topic in someway, and sorry for my not-good English, I hope the spell-check will help though.
Have a nice day ^^
By working, being busy, focusing outside on something, those sad feelings go away.
And when I do nothing, ego voices start to come again.
So I have 2 solutions : being busy, or do nothing AND let go at the same time.
thanks guys
This is probably the most insightful thing I have read in quite awhile. The points you have presented are very true too, at least in my opinion.
This is coming from a guy who’s still in high-school with all that hormones and crap going around and im just glad it’s almost over for me.
Thank you for the article.
Hey Halden! Good to have you here. Hormones are nearly over? I’m a decade out of high school and still have raging hormones hahaha!
Hi-Thanks for your thoughfulness. I’m very good at indentifying flaws in an argument or a concept,so I am happy to say there are none in yours. You don’t succumb to verbosity or any other device aimed at seducing the reader(not an easy feat!)-it was very succinct and balanced. More importantly, it helps the troubled mind ( like mine) in this difficult area. I’ve tried to fill this void( what I thought was a viod with all the typical methods you refer to. Your clear thinking is really a description of reality or truth,which, while painful intially, ultimately brings peace and of course the potential for ‘real’ love. Thank you for giving of yourself.
-Jason
Jason, thank you for the very high praise. I’m very grateful, and glad that it helped
wow!!!!!!!!
i started reading the article and couldn’t move till it was over.
really a great job albert!
Even it reminded me some of my past days.
the image is very touchy.
loved it.
Cheers!
Thank you Sunny, that’s a really great compliment
Very insightful… I am citing this article for a paper I am writing… Thx
Thanks Kevin, that’s probably one of the biggest compliments I’ve received
That was some nice writing.
Tha