When we are in the depths of our loneliness, what comforts us – what could possibly take us away from it? What, indeed? So often, it feels like there is no solace; like we are running from our own shadow. And it is true, in a way. There is no escape from being alone. We are always alone. But there is a way out of loneliness.
All our efforts at escaping loneliness are fundamentally flawed, for we don’t understand the nature of what we are running from. There is something beautiful about your loneliness. And when you see that, when you acknowledge it, learn to delight in it, that’s when something shifts inside you. When your loneliness becomes aloneness – that is freedom! That is when you can truly begin to Love!
As Osho once said – the first thing is to acknowledge aloneness. Aloneness is our true nature; we can never, ever, not be alone. We come into this world alone, we leave the world alone. And in between these two, we are alone – but we frantically hide from it, run from it, pretend it isn’t true.
I remember analysing an attachment style test in a psychology class once. It aimed to discover how secure we are in our relationships. One of the questions was: “Do you ever feel like you want to completely merge with another?”
The room erupted into an awkward, hesitant burst of laughter at such a question. How absurd! – they seemed to be saying. But I remained silent. An old memory struck me, and I remembered feeling that same depth of loneliness, once, a long time ago. Or perhaps it never truly left me – an alienation so deep that the only way out truly seemed to be melting into another person.
Feeling cut-off in the middle of a lunchtime crowd, feeling alone when cuddling with a girlfriend; always on the outside looking in at life. I remember glancing around at my fellow students. The look on their faces – it seemed like many felt the same way.
This alienation is the universal dilemma of human existence – never at ease, never at home. It drives almost everything we do. Loneliness and separation is an intrinsic, permanent part of our ego.
In the teachings of non-duality, the core of many religions and philosophies, the message is simple – we are all part of the infinite, ever-present, eternal One Life. We are all deeply interconnected and inseparable.
The ego, then, is the universal illusion, the exaggerated feeling of “I”, and the root of all our solitude. For the moment we feel we are “I”, that is the moment we have created the “Not-I”, the other, everything else. We become a fragment, cut off from the rest of existence. We become a dot in this world, forgotten by God.
This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.
For others, those who laughed at the test, this sense is unconscious. They lack something, but they don’t know what it is. And so they seek, and strive, and struggle, yet all the time not knowing what it is they are trying to fill. More belongings, more sex, more status, more power, more recognition, more, more, more. Almost all their efforts stem from this drive for self-completion. But it is all futile – we are throwing our energies down a bottomless pit. That we are trying to fulfil is the very thing that is causing our lack.
Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation. If we are lonely, it must make sense that we need a special someone! Logical and cold, like a business transaction. A boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lover, someone, anyone! We have reduced them to a mere cover up for our sorrows – no different from the misuse of alcohol, the noise of our television, or killing time on the phone until we can next be with someone – as if we have so much time to kill!
Sex is the closest we can get to oneness on a physical level, and that is why it is so deeply satisfying. And when we peer deeper into our heart, fragmentation shows up as a need to attach, to cling, to melt and to merge. How many people are conscious of this lack? How common is this primordial sense of alienation? Common enough to show up on a standardised psychological test.
And so we look for someone to take away that feeling. When we are with someone, we can take our mind off that background sense of disharmony. Suddenly, our existence seems to have meaning. “I am not alone!” You exclaim, as you cuddle, hug, and kiss. “I have someone who needs me, who wants me! I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am worthy! I am no longer alone!”
And yet, a mere cover-up is all they will ever be. Even when we are with our loved ones, we are still just as we are – alone.
A few weeks ago, I was watching a documentary on the “host” sub-culture, in the nightclub districts of an affluent country. It revolved around handsome young men – dressed up gaudily, highly trained in seduction, paid to lounge around in special bars. They play host to multitudes of women – often young, pretty, and rich – who pay for their company, their caresses, and their idle flattery.
The film focused in particular on the finest host in town – a charming man who owned his own bar. He was living the dream. His prowess with women made other men pale in comparison. He stole women away from their husbands and boyfriends. Women fought over him, sometimes physically, sometimes by throwing money at him, and he goes home with a different one every night. It seemed he would be the last man on Earth to feel alienated.
Near the end of the documentary, I remember the interviewer asking him if it was all worth it. He hangs his head and sighs. “It was all fun for the first few years. But after a while… I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am the loneliest man in the world.”
If romance and sex, if money and fame and recognition offer no relief, what does one do? When you are in the throes of heartache and loneliness, what good are the teachings on oneness and inter-existence? Unless you can experience what they are pointing to – how do they comfort you?
Pretty words to fill your head, and then you close the book and turn to look at your bed, and find it as cold and lonely as it was before. If we can never not be alone, what then? All I can offer is a change of perspective.
Another quote from Osho, then: Aloneness is beautiful, it is grand. Loneliness is sorrowful, it is despair.
On the surface, they look the same. But in reality, they are worlds apart.
Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.
You are alone. Why make it into a problem? Relax into your loneliness; into your sadness. Don’t run from your aloneness, for it is always there. Celebrate being alone, delight in yourself, dance in your aloneness. If you can’t, then you will forever be running away. Love yourself. It is the only way.
Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don’t think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you’ll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don’t want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.
We go off into the city, into the office, into the nightclubs, to run from our aloneness. The teachers, the gurus, the Zen masters – they go off into the mountains so they can get better acquainted with it.
So what? Then what? Once you delight in yourself, then – and only then – can you truly delight in the other. It’s a paradox, one of the biggest ones in the world. Only when you no longer need a lover; that is when you can find romance. Anything else is a sham, a pale imitation.
A sham. That’s what the entire game of romance is. Who is our “romance” really about? Us, and us alone. We say – I love you. But what we really mean is – Please love me. Manipulation is all it is.
Manipulation to fill our gaps, so we can feel loved, to feel needed. In fact, we have come to confuse the two words – being needed, to us, is the same as being in love!
A friend of mine was complaining to me about something very strange. Her husband had begun to discover the joys of aloneness. He had become meditative, more content and quietly joyful. He loved and laughed when he was with her, but he was also beginning to enjoy his solitary time. He was starting to see that there was nothing lacking, that he no longer needed her to feel complete.
And she began going insane. She became worried; her suspicions began overwhelming her. Why is he so content, so happy? What was he doing in his solitary walks in the park? Is there another woman? She followed him, but he did nothing wrong – he just walked. She spied on him when he was alone in the study, but he did nothing wrong there either – he was meditating, reading, praying. No forbidden love, no strange fetish.
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time.
Neediness is so common that we think it’s a sign of romantic love. But neediness is simply that – neediness. And this need will never be satisfied, for nobody – no matter how sweet, handsome, beautiful, gentle, extravagant, and attentive – can ever love your ego the way it wants to be loved.
At most, you will be satisfied for a period of time – the “honeymoon” phase, when you are “in love”, when everything seems perfect and beautiful. Your existence seems to have meaning, for someone needs you and loves you.
Then one day your needs and insecurities – all symptoms of the basic, primordial sense of fragmentation – raise their heads again. Or maybe it just seems that way – they had always been there, we just forgot about them for a while. And that’s when the arguments start, for we think it is the fault of the other person.
“You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. And the sweetness, the smiles and the kisses begin to swing the other way. We become sad; we attack them for not making us happy; we manipulate them into giving us more. Maybe they give in, and the pendulum swings back into sweetness. Maybe they don’t, and we break up in tears and anger. This even seems normal.
But it is not their fault. No one can take away our primordial sense of separation except us. But we don’t know that, and so we go on complaining and pulling strings. We forget that the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.
Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. They only give a plastic love, in the hope that someone will give real Love in return. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.
But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that’s when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.
Dedicated to all those who are or have been lonely and alienated.
This article is perhaps the most misunderstood article I have ever written; and so I’d like to clear up some common misunderstandings here:
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wow albert.
wow – there’s a nail somewhere whos head is ringing.
so obviously true once you read it, but shows true insight to have written it
and again wow!
Thank you very much dc and john, now I gotta stop it from getting to my head heh heh heh. Just joking.
WOW…You’ve outdone yourself. Brilliant writing.
Not only for content , but style and sheer eloquence.
I say , ‘let it get to your head’. You deserve to celebrate.
Touches a chord, you’ve addressed a very common and heart-wrenchig issue of loneliness and love.
God bless you with every love
of self, of Oneness,
of the other that is you and the beauty in all, that is also you.
Keep going traveller. Illuminate and share.
Thank very much Nur. You’re a real poet, that’s a fantastic poem there. Thank you.
Well, what can I say Albert?!
This is one of your best articles and very well put across.
I also loved the dedication at the end
Keep it my friend
Arvind
Hello Albert:
This is a nice article. I have been struck for a few years now about the difference between loneliness, which for me, speaks of lack and solitude, which (to me) is quite desirable.
Heya Arvind and Galba, thanks very much
. It was inspired by a few experiences I’ve had over the past few weeks, glad to see that I got something good out of it heh.
Eloquent and insightful, writing that reaches out and touches you, beautiful.
Thank you very much Ben, glad you liked it, really.
Beautiful, and profound, and very timely.
Thanks Honey. Good to see you around
.
One my biggest accomplishments this year is falling in love with myself and being by myself. Life will never be the same again! Thank you for the reminder. It’s beautifully written.
Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
Thanks Tina, and great to make your acquaintance – we’ll move the conversation over to email, yea?
“Romance is perhaps the most common cover-up for the sense of fragmentation.” – Couldn’t agree more!
THanks Adventures in Hosting!
its sounds easy to write, but i guess it nees lots of observation and insight and reflection to produce this article.
good job..keep up the good work!
You’ve done it again. You have written a really great article. Back in 1993, I did an oil painting (I have no training in painting at all.) of what I thought was emptiness, loneliness,the hole in my middle that felt so empty. Then I wrote a few words about the painting. Here they are:
When at first I looked at you,
I called you empty.
But now as I look at you,
I see that you are quite full.
Inside your walls of black are colors of red and green.
The mixture of red and black is anger and rage.
The ugly shade of green is for the ever-present fear.
This was what loneliness felt like to me. I felt it really really deeply.
Once I learned to love myself, I no longer felt this loneliness. From self-love, comes the recognition of aloneness as being a wonderful spending of time by yourself with yourself. Guess what? Today I love who I am when I spend time with myself. Because of that time spent with myself, I can love my husband, my children, my friends much more deeply than ever before.
Patricia, once again you demonstrate that poetic hand that makes your blog so irresistable. And it’s not just me saying that, I’ve heard many others say the exact same thing too. Thanks for dropping by and sharing.
Anime, thanks for the comment – and apologies for not replying sooner, your comment went into the spam section automatically.
Wow – what a great article. This has touched me so much, because I identify with every word.
Thank you Alex – good to see you around, buddy. Glad you liked it
Brilliant again my little Monk.
I must share – after my marriage breakup I was deeply wounded……and ANGRY. I hated everyone, including myself and especially men. Over a two year period of darkness I reacquainted myself with my core, with who I am, what I like, why I am, etc. The day I woke up and decided to live life again was the day my life really started. It started soooo lonely but I liked it.
I became happy because I chose happiness. I became comfortable with myself and my own company. I went out alone, dined alone and laughed alone (when the kids were at their Dad’s). And then damn it, when I wasn’t looking or had time for somebody else, I met Paul.
My goodness me…I thought I had been in love before but how could I be loved if I didn’t love me first.
I only now know togetherness because I fist found and embraced loneliness. Bring on the loneliness I say.
M
Thanks for sharing Megan – always love hearing these personal stories. And a great one too. It’s interesting – I’ve been reading some other responses to this article elsewhere and quite a few people have misinterpreted what I’m trying to say, so thank you for affirming that I’ve done it right
Hi Albert~
Just came over from the Carnival of Healing to read your post.
Bravo!
I agree with you 100%.
You share what “true power” is, and that sometimes threatens others’ beliefs….but that’s a good thing!
Thank you for saying this.
I’ll be back to read more.
Be well,
Ron
Ron, thank you very much for your high praise and the support for what I say and do, I really appreciate it.
Truly amazing article. I enjoyed reading it almost as much as I enjoy reading Osho magazines and books.
This part said it all:
If people could understand this part, nobody would cry about feeling left out, feeling cheated, etc:
About 5 or 6 months ago, I used to feel lonely all the time, completely bored of this life. But after reading the book “Osho: A Sudden Clash of Thunder”, I’m truly enjoying my aloneness.
One of my favorite Osho quotes: “When you don’t need a person at all, when you are totally sufficient unto yourself, when you can be alone and tremendously happy and ecstatic, then love is possible.” — OSHO
Avinash, thanks a lot for the praise. I’m a big fan of Osho as well, and he was a comfort during some of the things in my personal, which then inspired this article. Thanks for stopping by
How true!!!! I didn’t even know that aloness thing what it exists in me and I enjoy being alone!! So true…. I confronted my sadness, when into loneliness and found aloness…. i dont even realize that I found freedom by mistake.
Dan, I’m so glad that you found freedom – it’s a great feeling, isn’t it? Even though I’ve only seen glimpses of it so far, it’s something I really want more of.
So, I believe that this is inaccurate. It is generalizing an idea, assuming no one loves another for other reason than for self-happiness. There are people out there (even when this might be hard to believe for the writer) that love and care about other human beings without the intention of filling their ‘emptiness’ or loneliness. Love is not always about looking for someone special to end your loneliness. Sometimes it is about honestly loving and caring without looking for something back. I disagree with most of this text since it is founded in a specific situation that does not generalize to all the human kind (however, I understand how hard can it be to believe that there are people in this world that does not fit this category. But there are).
Hey Juan – thanks for the comment. I think we’re talking about the same thing. I do believe there are people out there who Love for the sake of Loving. But these people are the ones who have turned loneliness into aloneness. If you are lonely, then all your love is used to cover it up. If you have accepted your aloneness, then all your love is genuine – just like you said. So I think we’re pretty much talking about the same thing.
A great article. Paradoxically, it is when we complete own our perception, including the parts of ourself that sees fragmentation and isolation, that we can truly open ourselves to our wholeness. As Gandhi once said, “The ends are the means”. You cannot achieve wholeness by denying any part of Self.
PS. I put the post that I was referring to earlier, The Void
Great post on the Void, Matthew – and one I totally agree with. Left a comment there. Thanks for stopping by.
I really liked this. I am not sure i believe it all though… Let me rephrase that. I don’t want to believe it. If all this is true, i am in deep trouble. I seriously don’t see how I can ever really love. Maybe fake love is whats best for me. I don’t know. This will sound extremely bad/sad but I really don’t see how i could even enjoy being alone when i don’t even like myself.
I plan on getting the Osho book mentioned in the comments. Hopefully it can be of some help.
Hey 1+1… thanks for the comment
. I do believe that liking yourself, falling in love with you are just right now – is the most important thing in your life. Way more important than a relationship. Way more blissful too. You might be interested in the Love and aloneness articles in this series, I’ve gone in-depth there. Check it out in the articles page.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/articles/
Bit of reading, but you really have to like yourself first before you can be happy
The Flower of Love might be especially relevant to you.
Albert, I just discovered your website and can’t stop reading your articles. You have amazing insight. Thank you so much, your thoughts/words are coming to me in perfect timing.
Hey Nancy, good to have you here, and thank you for your compliments
Dear UrbanMonk,
I created an abstract of your article on loneliness and romance and set a link to the full article in my e-collage on loneliness. I found your comments on attachment and romance to be quite incendiary and difficult, but no doubt apt. I invite you to visit my e-collage at what4.wordpress.com Thanks for the insight.
Janet McClelland
Janet, thanks for the link. And that picture…i don’t know if it’s disturbing or funny
. Would love to hear more about why this article is incendiary, though.
But I find that picture disturbing. To me, it looks like the proof of where the modern world is headed. A lot of people are living in a hidden matrix, that’s not hidden at all if you have spare time to watch it acting like a sweet poison.
Wait, they do have enough time to watch themselves trapped in a matrix created by their own thoughts but they don’t want to care! To ‘em, T.V. programs are much more important than their lives. They can read 100s of romance novels in a year but reading a single book on personal development is too borrring..
Albert, have you watched “The Matrix” series? This modern world is similar to The Matrix. The only difference is that the people living in this real world matrix are not controlled by a single ‘powerful computer’. They are controlled by billions of super-powerful computers a.k.a. human minds.
Sadly, so many people don’t want to care if they are controlling their minds or they are being controlled by their minds.
Avinash, you’ve hit on something I’ve been thinking about, and talking with some other bloggers. Why do you think this is so? Why do you think people spend time complaining, or losing their mind in entertainment, rather then do something about their unhappiness / loneliness?
I’ve read some self help books before, but I wasn’t ready for it internally. What would be the shift? What would be the push, before someone gets up and takes responsibility for themselves/
First of all, thanks for asking these questions! Though I’m not an expert in this topic, I do spend a lot of time examining human behavior. From what I’ve learned so far, I can tell that the current generation can’t be healed/cured. The reason is pretty simple to understand.
Because their parents used to do the same thing? Because everybody does the same thing in our society?
The answer might sound funny but if one really wants to control his mind and life, he should leave this society for some time and spend a few months alone in a jungle.
One needs to be fully conscious if he wants to find the true happiness. Just try to watch your activities for an hour. You’ll realize that you become lost in the same old matrix of thoughts. It’s pretty difficult to remain conscious in this modern world. That’s why the suggestion to spend a few months in a jungle.
Hey Avinash, loving this discussion! I read somewhere that we are all beings in constant vibration, and the reason why we don’t click with certain books is because of incompatible vibration level. Sounds very strange, though.
I agree with the being alone thing, to watch your mind, and find your true self. I’ve been as alone as I can for the past year, and it’s changed my internal life, and have written much about aloneness recently.
Still, how does one motivate others to find the truth, or to find themselves? Change them from someone who sits and complains, to someone who takes responsibility?
Big answer: You can’t expect a friendly behavior from a grown up wild tiger ’cause it might be easy to train a baby tiger to live with humans like a cute pet but it’s pretty difficult to change the nature of a grown up tiger.
Something similar applies with us humans. We’ve developed a society that is sick. Just spend a day watching a thief and you’ll realize who is faultier if a girl’s purse is gone in a snap. Sometimes, they don’t even realize unless they need to pay for something. Why does this happen? Because people aren’t conscious at all. People are walking on the streets but they don’t have an idea about what’s going on inside their brain.
Today you’ve asked this question to me but trust me, I’ve tried too many times to make many people understand why they should spend sometime alone, watching their own activities, concentrating their minds on their own thoughts. While a few guys (15 – 21) tried my suggested techniques, the people in 23 to 50 age range appeared to be ignoring my suggestion. Many of ‘em even ended up making my joke. That’s why I wrote in my previous comment that the current generation can’t be healed/cured. In fact, I even tried to convince my parents but no use.. Finally in 2001, I realized that changing yourself maybe easy, changing others is not and have been living alone since then.
Short answer: Instead of trying to make the grown ups understand the fundamentals of life, humanity, etc, we should concentrate our minds on the new generation. Kids will understand, grown ups will not. And the people who understand these things are exceptions, aren’t they?
P.S. I’m gonna spend sometime reading your articles on aloneness.
Hey there…thanks for the detailed comment!
Hmm…I do believe that everyone has the potential to change, age has nothing to do with it. I agree that we are just brought up and socialised into false ways of thinking though. I thought perhaps strong personal trauma was the reason we began to find reason to change our thinking. Like how some people don’t change their diet and exercise until they become too fat for their own good.
Thanks again for the discussion.
My pleasure!
By the way, I didn’t say that people don’t have the potential to change.I was just trying to say that grown ups usually tend to ignore these fundamentals ’cause of staying attached to the same sick society for years.
The answer of your previous questions is hidden in your own reply. Notice what you have written?
“…don’t change…. until they become too..”
Yes, that’s the answer. That’s the human nature. Just like people don’t change their diet and exercise until they become too fat for their own good, people can’t be convinced to focus on the fundamentals of happiness until they become too sad.
I see many people reading self-development books but are all of ‘em able to change themselves? No. Even if they try, they can’t change themselves until they reach an extreme state. That “too fat” in your example is an extreme state and my experience says that one can’t remain in an extreme state for a long period of time. Then the fall is certain. Once you fall, you are ready for a new start.
I hope it made any sense. If it didn’t, sorry for wasting your pixels.
Not at all Avinash, I’m loving your insight. Thanks for all that
Another excellent article, Albert.
As I believe we are all one–single points of perspective of the ONE mind–then we can never be truly alone. Our segmented consciousness provides the illusion of being alone. We are not even physically alone, as that physicality is illusion.
“I love you” may often be used in manipulation–conscious or unconscious–but it is certainly not “all it is.”
I will agree that in the end our love is the Absolute loving another aspect of itself (therefore us loving ourself), in order to experience this sublime level of the expression one must be fully focused and engaged in the here and now..fully giving love to the one that we are (in this segmented consciousness) expressing love to.
Peace and wonder,
CG
CG, that is beautiful. Thank you for affirming my article, and what I was trying to convey.
In case you haven’t read it, Osho’s autobio is quite intriguing: Autobiography of a Spiritually-incorrect Mystic.” As far as spending time alone, many people forget value is found in learning to listen to the self. Often, amidst the hustle-bustle of modern society, the choice to explore meditation, retreats or other areas of spirituality, can be like rebirth and renewal. I would encourage anyone who hasn’t yet to give it a chance.
Very nice. I love Osho. Is his autobiography just a story, or does it contain lessons? Got too much on my reading plate at the moment! Thanks again Liara.
Albert,
Standing in a house full of people during Christmas over 2 years ago this horrible suffocating darkness penetrated my soul and even with all the “close” people who were attending, I felt a loneliness so deep I had to walk out of the house. It was as if I were the only one standing there amidst a home full of mannequins. Time stood still and this was when I realized how “lonely” I was. The beginning of a journey on a dark path, but would later become brighter. For some reason I was thinking about some of the old “Eagle’s” songs, just now…Must have been a sad time for the song writer. Their songs now resonate with happiness…
Hey Amanda, thank you so much for sharing. It’s always beautiful to hear from the personal experience of others, and I am glad to hear that your path has become brighter.
I think that what you wrote above is extremely hard to achieve. Especially, when you are a woman and when your biological clock is ticking so loud that you can’t sleep at night. It would be very nice to accept my loneliness, but how can I turn off my biology, in particular my hormones which shout that time is running out for me? To accept my loneliness is to accept that I may never have a baby. It is much easier for man, because you don’t have this kind of pressure over your head…
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn’t – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time. ”
I am confused on this one. I thought that unconditioned love aims to make your loved one happy and not miserable. I think your friend became self-absorbed and it upsets his wife. If you love someone you will not leave them falling apart while you are enjoying/discovering yourself. He could talk to her and explain what he is doing. He might also add that he loves her and will not do anything to upset her. And I bet because she loves him very much too she will let him to do whatever he needs at this time.
To be alone is not natural for a human being. Evolutionary speaking we are social animals. Dog, for example, is a social creature as well. Dog will always seek a company of other dogs, no matter what, because they are wired this way. And they will suffer tremendously when they are alone. Does a dog have an ego? I don’t think so. Humans are wired this way too. This is our evolutionary trait – we have evolved to be social beings. And you lie to yourself when you say that it is desirable, beneficial and normal to be alone.
As mentioned in the story, my friend’s husband loved and laughed even more when he was with her – he gave even more than he normally does. But why was he able to do that? Because he didn’t need her anymore. And when you don’t need someone, that is when you can love them. Need is clinging, love is freedom. That is all I am saying.
I am not saying that it is normal to be alone, I am just saying that once you stop needing someone, that is when true love is possible.
And that is when, paradoxically, it is more likely for you to find someone. When you need someone, and you keep telling yourself that, then your neediness will be very obvious. Potential lovers will sense this, and unless they are also needy, they will be subtly repulsed by this.
That section, as I’ve titled it, is more about neediness. Neediness is not love, we just confuse it a lot.
Thank you for your comments, if anything is not clear, please let me know so I can clarify further.
Thank you for your answer. However, I insist that we are needy because it is rooted deep inside of us. It is in our genes. The neediest of our ancestors had better chances for survival. We were selected evolutionary for that. Female has to be needy not because of her ego, or anything like that, but simply because her offspring will have much better chances for survival and fruitful life with a support and love of man. How can you stop it? Can you change the color of your eyes? Well, not by wearing contact lenses, but just by meditation? I don’t think so
Hi Valex, thanks for the discussion, I love it. I’m not sure what neediness has to do with survival? I’ve found that the more needy you are, the more a quality mate runs from you. It’s the way most relationships go, one chases, one runs. The more you need someone, the more they tend to run away from you. Of course, I am not a relationship expert, this is just from my personal experience.
I don’t know, but I have definitely been able to reduce my neediness and loneliness, simply because I’ve stopped running from it. It’s not so much a meditation, it’s more an acceptance, which just slowly dissolves all these needy feelings – which usually stem from a sense of inadequacy. And the less needy I am, the more opportunity for love I have found.
The second factor is this: if you are needy, you don’t see the other person as a human being, for who they are. You see them simply for what they can do for you, which is very selfish. And selfishness is the opposite of Love. Once you stop being needy – “make me feel good, make me feel sexy, make me feel worthy” – then you can simply accept them for who they are, and not what they can do for you.
Would love to hear what you think on this.
Hmm you seem to have edited your comment to clarify your definition of neediness as I typed up my reply
. Okay, I think the disagreement is because we have different definitions of neediness.
Yes, women need men, and men need women, to pass on our genes. Without this, the human race would be extinct. But that is not my definition of neediness.
I was thinking more along the lines of the type of guy who jumps on every woman that comes along “please love me, I need you!”, or the girl who jumps on every guy that comes along. This type of neediness, taken to the extreme, is usually called desperation. And it is common knowledge that desperation usually reduces dramatically your chances of actually finding a mate.
The problem is, most people recognise desperation, but not the “lesser” forms, mainly because clinginess is seen as “normal”. Everyone is clinging to someone, but the root of that is selfishness. Love is about the other person, but if you look closely, a lot of our relationships are based on this sort of clinginess.
Even if we say that I love so-and-so because he or she is the greatest kindest man or woman alive, many times (not always), it comes back to us. They are the greatest, so I am also great by proxy. Either that, or I don’t feel happy, I feel lonely, I feel abandoned, so please be with me, so I can stop feeling this way. Very often it comes back to our loneliness or feelings of inadequacy.
But once you let go of these needs, then you can love the other person for who they are. And because you are not desperate, you are far more attractive. I’m really enjoying this discussion, thanks!
I am sorry, but you even further supported my argument. You see, one of the evolutionary strategies for a male is to spread their genes and inseminate as many females as possible. So the “clingy” female as you put it, is a definite obstacle to this strategy. That is why males sense it and run away from it. There is another strategy, but it seems that fewer males choose it. This strategy is quality vs. quantity, i.e. fewer but well invested and cared for offspring which will have much better chance of survival than numerous and abandoned sons and daughters around the world.
I am not sure yet if the true love exists, but I suppose if it does, than you can not be considered clingy by any means. If you truly love each other, you enjoy each other, you want to be together, etc., both of you. Everything else is just not love, I am sorry. It is a power struggle, unrequited love, games, allowing other to be with you, being afraid to be alone, so grabbing anything that comes along, etc (here I agree with you
. If somebody considers you needy he/she does not love you, period! The whole neediness argument goes away the moment you have found MUTUIAL love. And then you can not be needy enough 
Unfortunately, I seriously doubt that the true love is out there, so for now the case remains open….
Hmm… okay so we agree on the second point, let’s put that to rest. I do believe in true love, but I respect your opinions, so that’s that.
Let’s return to the first point – I’m not sure what you mean with that. You’re saying that a man wants to go out and spread his genes. If he is clingy, how can he do that? He’ll just latch onto the first female that accepts him. Of course, this applies to both men and women.
You seem to say that a clingy woman keeps a man from going out and impregnating other women, but at the same time you just contradicted yourself (unless I misunderstood your meaning, which is entirely possible) that being clingy actually drives them away, which actually makes it more likely that the guy will find another female. Either that or the guy will actually stay, which means he has no other choices, i.e. he is needy himself.
The only people, male or female, that really have any choice / possibility to find love or a quality lover, are those who are not clingy.
Yeah, this is a paradox poor females have to face. They can’t help being clingy (biology), yet drive guys away by being clingy. What to do?
As for a clingy guy, I don’t really know….Maybe its because he wants to make sure that if he is going to invest into that particular female, the baby is better to be his?
I still do not belive that you can be fine and alone. Sorry!
“This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn’t laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.”
Absolutely right on, couldn’t agree more!
Thank you PUA!
This is one of the best articles I’ve read on this topic.
And I’m grateful to you for that.
Thank you Boat, that’s very high praise.
I know it has been said a few times by now, but yeah, wow. Albert, you are truly a skilled writer, and not only that, you’re damn smart. I’ll have to go through your whole archives some day, I guess they’re filled with wisdom like this.
Alex, that is one of the best compliments I’ve received for the blog. Thank you very much! I really enjoy your blog very much too.
Great post! A person can be among lots of people and still feel lonely.
Loneliness hurts and if love can help, why not?
Being alone, IMHO, is not being lonely. We need to be alone in order to sought out our thoughts.
Anyway, good to read! Thanks.
Thank you Gary! You’re 100% right – almost every great person (by my own definition heh) I know has been through a period where they were completely alone and sought inward – and they’ve come out of it transformed.
Ahh, that was a great post to read. I like people who think and make others think. That’s what You made me do now ^^
I agree to some extent, and I got myself some great discussion ideas from You. I will refer back to this page too…
In my small experience, I have lots of friends who can’t understand my calmness(/philosophy), though it’s nothing special. I believe it’s quite close, maybe the same, with what You call “aloneness”. I don’t mind being alone, nor do I feel bored/lonely by it. It’s maybe even the opposite – I feel calm and free just sitting under the sun doing nothing special…
Thanks :]
Marin, thanks! I think what you have there – that calm – is certainly something special. Many people need to distract themselves whenever they are alone, because they can’t stand to face what arises when there is nothing else to think about. That’s amazing to hear that you have that calm.
hi. great article you have here. and great discussion too! thanks. bookmarked! i’ll be back…
I sometimes feel this loneliness,
what should I do, continue to feel it until i realize it’s an illusion,
or will the ego continue those sad voices?
Also I already read that human are social animals….
excellent article by the way
Hi Chicago Movies and Need, thanks for the comment. Loneliness, like the other emotions, will pass once you stop fighting it. Some people are chronically angry, they might take a while to relax into themselves so all the anger is released; others are generally happier and take only a short period to do the same – it is the same with loneliness, it depends on the individual, but it will go. And then you can be social again
I want to feel complete.
I think it’s true that lot of todays love is approval seeking.
Being dependent;..manipulation.
So I will let my sad ego voices be, and observe them then..
Thanks Need, try the Blossoming of Love post for a bit more on this!
there is no need to be happy, since I didn’t already achieve that.
but will check the post you advice me
how old are you albert?
albert = you who wrote those articles?
Yeap, I wrote them, and I’m 26. Why?
Hmm, couldn’t help to barge in, sorry.
NEED, your reason to feel incomplete/lonely seems to be love, although you do realize what you need. It seems like you bring that loneliness to yourself. So if you do, why not fight it.
Well, yeah, I admit there are sometimes in which the sub consciousness is unbeatable, until the moment you let it go, yet that can also be seen as a way of fighting. Completeness in first place is something that people bestow upon themselves. Like having a girlfriend, than loose it, and the bed seems too damn big now, like it is missing parts. If you do not stop thinking of it that way, the bed will always miss parts. (//for example)
Wishes are something greater than they seem. When you wish to be lonely, you can, no matter if it’s based on emotions, loss, will, in the root, there is always the wish for it. When your wish becomes a daily feeling, a habit, just observing it won’t help much, because the reason to be lonely will no longer be one of the respectful reasons. And than, you have to find your wish/motivation/will to change this.
Realizing one problem is way off solving it, I think you know that. But running away from a problem, although is not the best, still IS a solution, much better than dragging it along all the way. Life isn’t that long, and it’s bad enough, to bring “bonus” bad feelings like loneliness upon ourselves.
Now, sorry if I my comment isn’t on place, sorry if I’ve gone off topic in someway, and sorry for my not-good English, I hope the spell-check will help though.
Have a nice day ^^
By working, being busy, focusing outside on something, those sad feelings go away.
And when I do nothing, ego voices start to come again.
So I have 2 solutions : being busy, or do nothing AND let go at the same time.
thanks guys
This is probably the most insightful thing I have read in quite awhile. The points you have presented are very true too, at least in my opinion.
This is coming from a guy who’s still in high-school with all that hormones and crap going around and im just glad it’s almost over for me.
Thank you for the article.
Hey Halden! Good to have you here. Hormones are nearly over? I’m a decade out of high school and still have raging hormones hahaha!
Hi-Thanks for your thoughfulness. I’m very good at indentifying flaws in an argument or a concept,so I am happy to say there are none in yours. You don’t succumb to verbosity or any other device aimed at seducing the reader(not an easy feat!)-it was very succinct and balanced. More importantly, it helps the troubled mind ( like mine) in this difficult area. I’ve tried to fill this void( what I thought was a viod with all the typical methods you refer to. Your clear thinking is really a description of reality or truth,which, while painful intially, ultimately brings peace and of course the potential for ‘real’ love. Thank you for giving of yourself.
-Jason
Jason, thank you for the very high praise. I’m very grateful, and glad that it helped
wow!!!!!!!!
i started reading the article and couldn’t move till it was over.
really a great job albert!
Even it reminded me some of my past days.
the image is very touchy.
loved it.
Cheers!
Thank you Sunny, that’s a really great compliment
Very insightful… I am citing this article for a paper I am writing… Thx
Thanks Kevin, that’s probably one of the biggest compliments I’ve received
That was some nice writing.
Thanks Eddy
This is the first time I am hearing of “Aloneness” but I think I see your point. Thanks for this nice article.
Thank you Wilson
wow I’m seeing life in a whole new perspective. Thank you very much Albert! I hope you write more
Thanks Elizabeth!
Albert,
I think Im starting to look at things differently after reading this article!….thanks for helping me understand what lifes really is!..Thank You soo much
Thank you Sabrish
Love this article, always known this theory inside myself after i experienced my first break up. Its some insight i’d really like to share with other people.. but i think that people have to come to this conclusion to themselves to actually be able to take it in. Trying to tell someone this in my opinion is pointless. But anyway love it and i believe every word of it is true!
Thank you Laura! I wrote this article after a period of heart break too, hehe. It’s funny how we hit the same deductions after going through the same things, isn’t it?
Hi Albert,
I found your article after being deeply hurt by my husband. I feel I made a mistake and married the wrong man. I believe I am stuck in this marriage (at least for now) and I am soooooooooooooooooooo unhappy and alone. We dont live together and he wants it that way. There is this deeeeeeeeeep and nagging heartache that just wont go away. It criples me and drains my energy it ruining me of a quality life.
Your article was quite soothing and encouraging. It sounds like there is hope for me afterall. I have tried all sorts to make it go away like going out or talking endlessly on the phone to friends but then the relief is only temporary and comes back once I get home or hang up the phone.
I do agree with you. I am very needy. I have a STRONG need to be loved and wanted and adored and appreciated and I am not getting it. I ahve shed tears and endless number of time without getting any comfort. My husband simply ignores me or walks out. I made a VERY big mistake by marrying him.
I will definitley try all you said and get OSHO’s book.
Just want to say thank God for people like you and to let you know you are very lucky at your age to have this depth of wisdom. I wish you all the best in life!
Thank you very much for that heartfelt comment, Tee. Do let me know how you get on. Try the emotional mastery series for your neediness too (it’s under the start here page).
you have beautiful written on Romance , feels like you are much experience on this subject
A word from The Mother (Sri Aurobindo Ashram):
‘The wise is never alone. He carries in his heart
the Lord of all things.”
Im confused,
Its incredibly good, very well written but it doesnt make sense to me.
Are you saying that the guy was lonley? But why was he still lonely? If he had the women to like him when he didnt need them?
And you say the need to be needed is lonley then what is Love?
I dont get what are you saying.
We need people though we cant do it all ourselves
answer me this please
The guy that had all those girls money and all that couldnt he say well I dont need to be needed anymore.
Walla one of those girls could be real love?
Thanks!
I’m not sure what your question is? The guy was lonely because sex and money doesn’t satisfy loneliness for very long. For a while, yes, but after a while most people will feel lonely again. Love is when you no longer need to be needed. What that feels like, is something that has to be felt, not described
Alright me and my friend discussed this and its just beautiful, Its priceless the key to everything that was suppresed making you believe that is right.
For that I lost all the respect I had for Enrique Iglesias,
All his songs are flawd thanks to you
Saying I need you.
I thought I had to change myself to get people
I felt bad when I didnt. Lonely
But it was just all my unconscious mind trying to get needed
(by the way what is your take on this?) tips?
Something that will never be satified even if I succeed
It all poofed away when I read this
But couldnt the guy said I dont need to be need anymore and walked away?
Couldnt he stop being lonley if he knew what do you think needed to get to his mind?
Do you think giving him this article couldve helped him for example?
Or what needs to get to people’s head to stop bieng lonley?
Thank YOU!!!
I guess it was just me trying to get accepted, but what does it matter now. It only feeds into them.Trying to fix my image.
I just dont get why I would try so hard?
Why didnt I just accept just where I was?
Guess I was sitting beside the guy, but didnt get up there.
Guess I wanted to be needed more
Somebody to tell me who I was
The only thing Im mad about is pushing myself so hard to get no where ( I dont know what can you tell me that part so I dont feel this feeling?)
I dont need them to make me feel a better person cooler in this case.
Now to this day I can finally breath .
Thanks to Albert
No I dont think I need an answer for this one I think I got it, but you could give me some other interpretations.
Glad to know this helped
it was comforting to read your article to say the least. i am still unsure of the distiction between loneliness and aloneness. i think a sense of lonliness dawns on us primarily owing to either the loss of love or the absence of love. I have been wandering all my life for someone – anyone to love me. The feeling of loneliness has only grown with time BUT…. what it has done for me in return is to recognise my flaws. Flaws which are inborn – which are instinctive, not something one can have control over and mend deliberately. I would probably call them my nature – so to speak. What is loneliness??? A feeling that would arise only when you want to be wanted and loved. The most common thing it leads to……..Self Pity – its a great addiction at times something that would even surpass the concept of love. I find it difficult to imagine how one can be happy in this state of mind. Happiness is relative. You could be happy having found your soul mate but then again give it time and you would find it in the most absurd things. Something that made you happy a few years ago may not evoke the same emotion now. But what is universal is the need to be needed, and more importantly a sense of belonging. Thats been the struggle of humanity. One could get philosophical about life and try and “look at the larger picture”. But who really knows the real purpose of our existence??? Behaviour, Reaction, Instinct, are really what defines us. Loneliness is brought about by the simple fact of nature – to co-exist. So would’nt one be fooling oneself by trying to accept a state of loneliness and masquerading it as aloneness. Don’t get me wrong, the article is a masterpiece – another perspective. all I can say is that 20 years of being alone – having explored myself and uncovering my personality – I still feel alone. Not to say that I’m unhappy, but yeah…. I would want to be with someone to share my life with.
Mentioning the monks who took to the solitude of the mountains; Having rediscovered life and unearthing spiritualism, there is still a need to connect, to communicate, to share.
I totally agree with you on the concept of “I”. but that is what defines us as individuals. Which is why we love people distinct from us.
Having said that – the utmost important consequence of being alone is the ability to LOVE – more than one’s own expectation. And that as per me is the best state of mind – to feel happy in making someone happy.
Hey Axe – thank you for that detailed commentary. Regarding aloneness vs. loneliness, I don’t think there is fooling involved. If you have a need then you are lonely, plain and simple. You can fool yourself but not other people who know you.
Albert
Humble apologies. No ill-intent. Just adding a different perspective in-effort of understanding all possibilities.
Oh no Axe, don’t misunderstand me. I wasn’t offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I was just presenting my opinion, just like you were
I have been struck for a few years now about the difference between loneliness, which for me, speaks of lack and solitude, which (to me) I wasn’t offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way.
No need for email correspondence.
But I would like to say, thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts on this issue. I am learning each day to really love myself more, and be intertwined with this issue of “aloneness” rather than “loneliness.”
There’s more work to be done, but I’m sure I can finish it up. Thanks for giving some light to this issue.
Thank you for your comments David and Reprimand
I think for the last five years ive been living through a revelation of this deep and i must exclaim sorrowful and dark feeling called loneliness. I know loneliness can be responsible for untold other self depreciating values we put upon ourselves, or we attract from others .If we can accept we are powerful and alone, and happy with our aloneness all can be easier much more honest and fullfilling when in the company of others. As the relationship is not based on a lack mentality of we are not enough and that my ego needs nurturing.Thanks for putting this site together and giving your time sharing very valuable spiritual understanding about our really simple souls living in complicated surrounds and times. Adrian
Hey Adrian, thank you so much.
Hi, I stumbled onto your blog tonight, via your flagship Ego post, via a Google Search. Read about 5 articles, all of which were great, and this is my first comment. I love your site and your writing. Keep up the great work.
I had to re-read several passages of this post, in order to make sure I fully understood. Before, I would plow through articles & books just to finish. I think I had too much pride in myself (I kind of grew up with a “perfect child” identity). I think and hope this is a sign I am becoming more aware of my Ego.
In the short time that I have been on your site, I feel that I am already becoming much more aware of, and learning about, myself. I will subscribe, I will be back, and I will definitely look forward to more of your work. Thank you!
Thank you mate.
Albert,
Great article! I definitely understand the difference between loneliness and aloneness. After my divorce 1.5 years ago, I mentally made it a priority to strengthen my love for myself and my aloneness. I did this through starting meditation, kickboxing, etc. However, I also pushed to not feel “lonely” financially and professionally, resulting in moving too quickly into a business I was not ready for (too young for at the age of 26 and ironically focused on holistic health), which caused a ripple effect of difficult situations that have taken me away from the place of developing a deep “love affair” for myself.
I am seriously considering taking 1 year starting in the fall, and teaching English aboard somewhere. And, take this time to be outside of my normal world of surroundings to be truly with myself and focus on my creative expression (art and photos), daily spiritual practices, being with myself without the pull of the television, etc. It was what I originally wanted to do when the divorce happened and my soul has been asking for it ever since. Some of these things I will start doing again here hopefully in the near future once I move into a temporary place.
I feel boxed in working in front of a computer 40 hours a week. I have always loved teaching and instructing, and I think this may be a way for me to rekindle this part of myself while taking a breath of fresh air among others of a different culture. Plus, I have always loved traveling!
What are your thoughts about travel as a part of one’s journey to experience a deeper love for themselves and becoming more comfortable with their aloneness? Any thoughts on making this a powerful step in healing and discovery?
Hey Julia, thank you for that heartfelt comment. I think if you like travel, go for it! I think it can expand your perspectives – sometimes seeing new things can “jolt” us out of our old mental patterns and give us a little taste of freedom
I guess I’ve never realized the necessity for attentions with love. i know that sounds obvious but it just never struck me.
“Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.” I love it! What a great description. Thanks for your insight.
Hey Beverly, thanks a lot. I can’t claim credit for it though, it was inspired by a beautiful book by Osho.
Nice piece of writing – great insight. Many of us would feel better if they got the chance to read that.
Thank you Dinora!
Wouldn’t you need to give just a little fake love for a relationship in order for it to work? Or do you just Love and do it for the other person and expect nothing in return, but in that case that would be stopping you from future relationships? If you want a reltionship though you have to give thy fake Love no? You know what I mean?
Thanks Albert Cheers!
Why do you think you have to give fake love in order to have a relationship? Why would just loving stop you from future relationships?
I’ve heard you’re not going to have it if you don’t want it. And it ringed true. So how can I Love if I want it? To want you have to “love” or fake love becuase you’re always expecting something in return. if you don’t expect something in return then nothing is going to happen I’ve heard.
Thats why I’m all pshycd up 
.
Just give it a shot, see which works for you
I was once in this kind of situation. I felt really alone and like I doesn’t belong. But soon I realized that nobody will love me as much as I love myself. like the lyrics in the song “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Nice article.
Thanks Joseph!
Amazing article … jus got no q’s unanswered after reading it … articulated so beautifully about all aspects … just can say W:)W !!!
Thank you eyesflux!
Wow, a very wise and eloquent post. You’ve really nailed the contrast between feeling loneliness and feeling alone. It seems almost cynical to view romance as a way to assuage loneliness, but I realize that I do that kind of thing, also. Amazing article.
Dear Albert,
Thank you for this beautiful article. I really loved its simplicity.
To other readers, I’d like to say: this article will not make sense until you’ve tried what it suggests.
If you want to take one message away from this article, I’d say it should be this part:
“Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don’t think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you’ll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don’t want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.”
And herein lies the crux. To make this effort of looking into yourself:
1. You need to be perceptive enough to realize what you do NOT have.
2. You need to understand if you are only in love or in a relationship for what you’re getting in return.
3. You have to realize that as you drift from one relationship to another, the only thing that stays the same is your feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness.
4. Most important, you must be desperate enough to want to get out of this cycle! Most people are not. They’d rather bounce from one failed relationship to another, wasting this precious existence, squandering all their potential.
And, mind you, looking into yourself is not easy. It follows on from the last point that:
5. You must be determined enough to go through with it!
Now introspection is not hard by its very nature. In fact, it should be the easiest thing in the world to do. Unfortunately, we make it difficult. Why? Simply because we’re not used to it. We’re far more used to judging ourselves, to fighting our own nature.
When you first start to look into yourself, it is so easy to get sidetracked by what is not germane, so easy to pin blame on others. It is very hard to see the ‘flaws’ in yourself, to accept yourself as you are (why did I put the word ‘flaws’ in quotes? Because what you see as flaws are not really flaws until you reject them. If you try to conform to another person’s idea or even your own idea of how one should be, it is a flaw. When you accept it as your own nature, it IS your own nature — not something to be changed or ‘fixed’).
What happens when you start to accept yourself in totality? You start to see why your relationships failed. How?
1. You see whether you were in love only because your partner assuaged your ego by condoning your ‘flaws’ or pampered it by applauding your ‘virtues’ (I put ‘virtues’ in quotes for the same reason as I did ‘flaws’).
2. You see whether you fell in love only because you saw in the other person an image of what you thought you should have been yourself. Why did this happen? Because you didn’t accept yourself in totality. By selectively picking parts of yourself as ‘good’ and condemning the rest, you’ve divided yourself, you’ve negated your self-worth.
3. When you accept yourself as you are, something else that is magical happens. You learn to accept OTHERS for what they are. In totality. This is a new, wholesome kind of love. It is qualitatively different from clinging, from needing, from run-of-the-mill crushes or sexcapades. Why? When you can accept all facets of another person’s character, you stop trying to change them. Equally importantly, you stop trying to change yourself. You stop trying to make reality conform to your image of it.
Complete acceptance brings a whole lot of other wonderful things. It gives you peace, it gives you a new appreciativeness for life, for how invaluable the time that we spend here is. But really, you should try it for yourself to understand. Until you do, these words will just remain words. They can only give you an inkling of what waits to be discovered.
Hey Neeraj. Wow. I don’t know what to say, but honestly, this is perhaps the best comment I’ve ever received on this blog, or at least in the top three. Thank you so much for it. Your deep understanding and intent to help others is very evident.
This entry…I am at work reading it and I am a receptionist. People coming in and out all the time…and this entry almost made me cry because there is so much truth in it.
Beautiful..absolutely beautiful.
I don’t love myself….but now I really know it and I plan on changing it.
So thank you.
Thank you so much for that heart felt comment Jackie. I appreciate it.
This is the first time i feel the sweetness of being alone.
This article has been a great help, thanks!
You’re welcome Reem
Hi Albert, this article is quite confusing to me because what you are trying to say is not very clear to me. At one point, u say,”Aloneness is our nature” and then in the comments to Valex, u say, “I am not saying that it is normal to be alone”. Which is true and which is not true?I am confused now…
Hi V, thanks for your comment. OK, here’s what I mean. Aloneness is our nature. Even if we are with someone we are still alone. I believe true mental and emotional health comes from being 100% comfortable with admitting this, and 100% OK with being alone. However, this is a VERY HARD concept for many people. It challenges everything they believe in (kinda like when some people say we don’t need to be rich to be happy, a lot of people will get very defensive over such a comment).
My comment to Valex was directed to him and not to everyone in general. Why? I toned it down a little so he doesn’t reject it outright. When I said that to him, I was encouraging him to try it. I didn’t want to get into an argument which would be useless. But if I said “NO YOU ARE WRONG WE HAVE TO BE ALONE”, then it’s no longer a discussion (given how strongly he feels about the subject), he’ll turn it into an argument. Which I don’t want. And would just be useless.
Plus some people take things too far. I do say it’s the beginning of romance but people forget that. We have to be comfortable with aloneness and not need a partner before we can have genuine romance (I believe). There are many things I would want to do (such as have kids, for instance), that would require a partner. Finding aloneness does not mean giving that up, which some people are misunderstanding me to mean. (They think I’m advocating no human contact for the rest of their lives – if you want that, cool. But you don’t have to.)
Once we are 100% comfortable with alone, it is a sort of freedom. And then we can go out and have as many relationships as we want, but with a different quality as we are no longer clinging to them.
Hope that makes sense.
oh ok…thank u for yr quick reply Albert
…tc
I have another question, Albert, sorry to bother u again.When you say, “Our physical nature is to be alone.” what does it mean exactly?Does it relate to us having a physical body?
I can’t remember haha! I think we can interpret it both ways… no matter how close we get to another person (physically or emotionally) we are always alone. For instance, even when we are having sex, it’s a merging of two bodies but we’re still two separate people. Even if we have a lover we are with 24 hours a day, there are things we can’t fully share. If I told her, for example, that I feel horrible. She can’t really share in it, the best she can do is to imagine what I feel like. There are still many things we have to face alone – going in for heart surgery, for example. Stuff like that.
Brilliant, this is the stuff that every should know and should be taught in education. If there’s a link for the ‘host’ documentary, could you send it me please, as I feel it would help me break the viscous cycle of wanting women to make me happy (this is a pain that many men go through to the women who might be thinking I mad)
Thank you very much, buddy! I can’t remember what the documentary was called, since I wrote this so long ago. Er… I think I saw bits and pieces of it on Google video. Try searching for host clubs or host bars or something.
This is all too true. You have said everything I did not want to hear, and everything I needed to hear.
“Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. They only give a plastic love, in the hope that someone will give real Love in return. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.”
Just recently, I told someone I loved them. I never did fall in love with him, but I loved him, nonetheless- or so I thought. I said to him those three jaded words, and I told him I expected nothing in return. I did not wish for him to love me back, or to even accept that what I had told him was the truth. I just wanted him to know I loved him.
But this is not the case.
I did not realize it, but now I see that, subconsciously, I was wishing he would give me love, to fill the void my previous ex had left. Now, whether or not I loved the previous ex is unsure.
Whatever the case, I did not get what I wanted. And so I fall back into the state of loneliness that I know so well.
Hi Anna, thank you for your comment. It is somehow quite poetic, so I really appreciate you sharing it.
I just read ‘love and aloneness’ and then this. I agree, but I don’t see myself surpassing my lonely depressions. I love myself, and go off alone for hours once a week, but I always miss the joy I get from talking to people I care about. Your saying that I’m filling a broken nature in humanity, and I will agree with you, but I think bonding with others does fill the void. I think a man/woman is born with something missing and loving another fills it. I can be contempt with myself, but never be able to be complete without helping another. I think we will probably agree to disagree, and that is okay because I feel we’re on similar wave-lengths, but please tell me if you indeed do have a rebuttal.
Hi James! No problems at all. In fact, one of the readers above said much the same thing and I had a nice discussion with him. Scroll up a few comments (to Valex) and see if anything in there needs further comment
Woke up in the middle of the night feeling both alone and lonely. Started Twittering and somehow ended up here. Amazed to see that a post started in 2007 is still going strong in 2009. So I read, I comment, and I notice that a kindly aloneness can, when we least expect it, turn into a haunting loneliness. It is perhaps our most unifying trait, this feeling of inner and sometimes outer isolation. So we read or write or talk or DO something to distract ourselves. Loneliness never completely, entirely goes away for good. It can sneak up on any of us. I think the trick is to accept it, as you said, and know that like every other feeling we have, “aloneliness” too will pass. Thanks for sharing your insights on this timeless and universal topic. The day is starting to break, and I feel better.
Hi Brenda, thank you for that comment. I think we all know the pain of a lonely, sleepless night, so thank you for sharing.
Hi Albert,
awesome, I have written a lot about unrequited love and lonelyness, but I you REALLY carved it out and turned it into a masterpiece.
I have never read Osho – which of his books would you recommend reading first? This got me interested.
Thanks!
Mark
Hi Mark, thanks for your kind words. His book, Love, Freedom and Aloneness, has affected me deeply and the quotes from this article are from that book (from memory, this is an old article).
Hi Albert,
thanks for your ultra-fast answer
Im heading over to amazon and order it right away.
I just discovered this site and have read some of your fabulous articles. All are beautifully written and inspire me! This one hit the mark on where I am right now ( guess that’s why I found it!) – learning to truly love myself, enjoy being alone and knowing that this is the true path to having a healthy relationship when it is meant to be. Thank you so much for expressing where I want to go and helping me stay on track when I go back into the dark “loneliness mode”. I will be coming by more often and trying your techniques. Thank you again!
Hi Carol, that is really high praise, thank you!
Albert,
Thank you for writting this inspirational article, this was exactly what my heart needed right now.
Sarah
My pleasure Sarah, glad it helped.
Hi Albert,
By chance I came across your website. And while reading thru another article posted on your site, I came across this. What you wrote is so true. The fear of being lonely can drives one to do stupid things. I am one of those people. But I am now awaken. I could really relate to what you have written. Indeed a wise man!
Metta,
Yan
Yan, thank you for your comments – you’re making me blush. I’m not really a wise man, I wrote this shortly after a breakup.
I wish I had read this a long time ago. I’ve made too many mistakes by playing the part of the girl who slowly went insane from her longing. Loneliness makes time shrink, leaving me dry. Aloneness makes time feel infinite, vast and deeper than the deepest ocean.
Chris that is one poetic comment!
BRILLIANT!
Thanks Crystal
This is such an important piece of advice for me, especially as I’m going into adulthood and learning how to be a man, aswell how to bring more of that little thing called happiness into my life
.
Thanks Albert
Jag you’re welcome mate!
Thank you so much for this amazing article, it opened my mind and my soul.I am dealing with some heavy stuff in my life ,so glad that I found your article , I am sending you good vibes.
Hi Niloofar – you’re welcome, and good luck with the heavy stuff, it’s never fun.
Al, I found your site tonite and look foward to reading more! I understand all you points, can you tell me what our true attraction to others should be. I understand non duality and helping others “helping others is helping myself”(or is that just my ethics I need to uphold for my ego, but thats for another day) my ? If we can find contentment in ones self, what is the point of life long monogomy. Is it that if we can give up our attachment and needing of afformation we can truly enjoy the things that are given to us. I may be answering my owm question. but hope to hear your thoughts. If we are a cup, inside is our needyness, if we need not, anything we recieve will overflow to enjoy.if we are needy our cup will never stay full. got to go to bed
Hi Chad, thanks for your question, but I think you’re right – you just answered your own question
This is why I appreciate the unexpected things my wife does so much(because I dont need it) The paradox is that we start to expect them.
Could you really love someone who never shows you signs of love back or not have an equality of intrest between theirs and your own ? Is that somthing that is defined in an individual relationship? Psycologist say love is esential for child developement, why not adults
Hi Chad, there are different types of love.
The Great Happiness Space – Tale of an Osaka Love Thief
Is that one it? Even if it isnt’ its good.
Hi Alex – thanks for digging it up. The guy in the poster looks familiar although I honestly can’t remember as it was so long ago and I was sorta forwarding along bits and pieces that I found boring. I’ll try and get my hands on this one
Just beautiful…laying quiet in the knowing..:)
Thanks Brad
Brilliant, I think I am on the verge of understanding myself. For many years I have been in love with a woman I can not have, I have been chasing a white elephant ever since, (you know what I mean)trying to fill this void with different things, buying things, doing things, going out socializing, drinking, just to escape reality for a while. I am good with people of both sexes I get on with everybody, It’s just this one woman I am completely hung up on, it’s like running into a brick wall, my stomach turns over whenever we speak, or whenever I think of her.
Nothing I did would make me content, not for long term anyway. I realize now possessions or a person can not make me truly happy, I have to work and be happy with myself, I need to fill my low and empty feelings with better things, that’s why I searched and found this article.
If you can give me more advice please do so.
@ Andrew:Read the book http://www.amazon.com/Love-Fre.....amp;sr=8-1
There really isn’t anything more than realizing the feeling you have right now, and the thought of being somewhere is what we try to push down. Even if were with someone else nothing really changes. We’re that same being. There is this presence that never changes. Try to get in touch with it. After a while though I found out The work by Byron Katie works better. Everything starts with our thoughts. If you think desire, you’ll feel lonely. Read on for yourself http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
Andrew, thanks for your courage in sharing. Alex is right this is the vital first step. The rest of it is doing some work – inner work, not escaping it with new relationships, etc. There are a few tools I like, besides the Work Alex recommended. Try the Sedona Method, The Journey, or whatever takes your fancy. The 3 I named are my favourites, but everyone is different, so poke around and find your own. I describe some techniques in the rest of the blog so poke around there if you have some time.
interesting article, some very insight full stuff here, well articulated; however; I must disagree, even though loneliness can be a source of solitude, and even though the ego (self) will never truly be satisfied and yes it always wants more, and more. Getting rid of our loneliness is not the source of our love. the statement Once you stop needing, that is when you can find love. I must abject too, our neediness is what drive us out of ourselves and has us search for something greater than ourselves. it is only when we give ourselves over to that which is greater do we then find Love. getting rid of neediness is denying our need for love. that like getting rid of your need to eat or breathe, and you can’t live if you do not do either of these to things. true. If we cut off our neediness we cut ourselves off from being or giving love, yes I agree that people who are living for themselves are like parasites and leach off the love of others (trust me this I know first hand) but when you give your neediness to something greater than your self such as God than you find out what your real needs are and how He can meet them. We each have a need for love, (we’ll call this salvation as we all really want to be saved from something don’t we?) security, significance, commitment, and assurance. To deny these needs is to deny our humanity and the human experience, such would be a futile existence. The question is where are you finding these needs or how are you trying to suck others dry to get your needs met. as I said I do agree that we as a human race do need loneliness, but we can not live there. The reality of this article is that it is true that loneliness is or can be a source of getting to know oneself, and yes I agree we do need to learn to love ourselves, and solitude can give us that understanding and the chance or break we need to keep going; however; one can not truly love another unless they give themselves over to the one they love, and the one that loves them. the point I am making that this author does not see is that self (ego) can not deny self (ego). because it is selfish, therefore it will not. and focusing on it will only give it power. True love is sacrifice, it is not a fuzzy felling, or some fancy idea that we try to live up to. When you love another you build yourself a cross, because you are giving up on yourself, so to tell someone that you love them does not mean that you are being unreal to say this, but do you sacrifice your self to the other. real love is when your mate hates you and you love them anyways, love is when an other hurts you deeply and you love them anyways. Love is when someone takes something from you and instead of trying to get even or make them pay for their wrong you love and forgive them. do this and you will truly love yourself and others and even this dark world around you, everyone wants to withdraw, or get away from our hurts and our pain, yet it is these experiences that teach our own weaknesses and our own humanity. My parents are the perfect example of this, if any two people who were not meant to be together it was them, they were always going at each other, but yet they were the two happiest people that I knew, why? because they loved each other, they never went to bed angry at each other and they (spite their arguments), also were there for each other when the hard times came (and they will) they stuck together, and when the good times came (and they will) the stuck together. when all seemed hopeless the gave to each other. 46 years of marriage can testify to this. my Dad cheated on my Mom and most people would say leave, but she did not she forgave him and then he got sick once with pneumonia and she took care of him, that is love. self sacrifice. yes embrace loneliness, learn from it, embrace the sting of it, and the pain of going through those times of hurt, but do not live there, you’ll most certainly end up alone.
“But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that’s when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.” This is your nature that is to be needed and wanted, we all want to be important but it is not meeting these needs yourself it is about meeting these needs in others. showing others that they have significance and importance and there lives have meaning. You know there are two types of people in the world the down and out and the up and out, I work with both and I do not know how many I have met or shared with, what I do know is that all of them all want and need to be loved, so withdrawing from this need, you might as well end it all, cause you wont be living otherwise “what is love with out risk”. Loving others is not about what you can get out of them, nor is it about what you can offer them, it is about WHO you offer them. you know not everything that is true is not the truth, for example this author says ““You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. And the sweetness, the smiles and the kisses begin to swing the other way. We become sad; we attack them for not making us happy; we manipulate them into giving us more. Maybe they give in, and the pendulum swings back into sweetness. Maybe they don’t, and we break up in tears and anger. This even seems normal.” that is true, what is not the truth is that “the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.” what he is doing here is confusing you first he is saying that it is wrong to be needy and then he is saying that you can only meet this need in yourself, so he is really saying that you are needy. that is double talk shrouded in fancy words. I have nothing personal against this author, just that is disagree with his presentation as everything in this life I have lived tell me the complete opposite. It is recognizing your needs. example is this, look at a baby, I am a father, a child is the epitome of selfishness and neediness, let me ask you something is that wrong? I do not think so, children have a need to be loved, if the parent told the child that they need to deny this need and then they will find love, the child would surly die, and then the parents would go to prison for child abuse as that it would be such. we parents need to give love to our children, parenthood is about giving ourselves over to something greater our children. There was a study done using chimps, the put these three chimps in three separate rooms, the first had a wire frame for a mother, so did the second but with some fur on it, and the third was a real mother. the first chimp who’s mother was a wire frame died with in a day, the second lived but as they studied it it showed signs of mental disorders and the third lived and grew up to be a healthy chimp. what a crock of bull and people blindly believe this crap. why? because everyone is looking for love, and instead of giving ourselves to others it is more easier to withdraw and lick our wounds and live in our self-pity, been there done that, got me know where except wanting to kill myself, when I gave up on licking my wounds and living in a downward spiral or self-destruction and got out of myself I found Love but I found it by giving myself to others. I do agree that it can not be found in others as yes it is true that no one can fill your vacuum, but neither can you, only God can. He is what is greater than us. I am not preaching to you, I am just saying something that everyone already knows. Truth is never preached but rather is demonstrated and this world simply demonstrates our own neediness and the vacuum that we want to have filled. the question is how are you getting your bag filled, by the way you can not fill a glass that is already full.
By the way I am not saying that this author is wrong in some of what ha has said, I am just giving a different perspective on things. I am needy, I have needs, I am human, I am imperfect and I have insecurities and failures and weaknesses, but it is in knowing and recognizing, and accepting them that I am my strongest, don’t get rid of you weakness’s embrace them and then you’ll be living.
Hi Lee, thanks for your comments. Please forgive me if I can’t make a detailed reply, I’ve had a very tiring fortnight and I simply don’t have the headspace to read and digest all that. I hope you understand. Again thank you for all the thought and energy you’ve put into it, I appreciate it.
@ Lee The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good. The mind creates more suffering than what is. Without that thought you would just be as if you were on a rollar coaster. Just as in a rollar coaster you forget about love. There is no need to make it complicated.
If you feel pain with the thought I need love work with it with The Work. http://www.thework.com/index.asp
So called love is just a selfish thing. Its never about the other its always about you, and if being nice to someone rewards you over being mean, sometimes called “love” then why not?
Hi Alex thanks for your comment. Well first of all we as people do need others, we as a people are social beings. I could not constantly be without others in my life, as I am some what a “people person”, even though at the end of the day I am by myself and can be quite comfortable with me, even if I am in a relationship. secondly no one makes me feel anything, unless I permit them to, I must say though that I disagree that your comment that “The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good”. I do not hold this belief in the context you are speaking, I hold this belief in that I have I believe been out on this planet to give to others not to take from them. see I can need others and not live to them or for them, for example, I play drums in a band, I need the other musicians, that is I need them to complete the song arrangements and to play there instruments right and on cue and in the right note etc…, I need them to keep time, which is my role as a drummer, but they need to follow and keep in sync, so I need them to work with me and vice-verse, yet each of us is separate from the other, it is when we work in collaboration with the other that the music sounds right and in time that is “Love”. the same can be said about ballroom dancing, as I also do this, I need my partner to follow my lead and she need me to lead her, we can not ballroom dance without each other (sort of a funny looking thing to watch), dancing is “love” and “romance” in step, so I perceive such. I do agree that most people do blame others for how they feel and how they act, and yes this is the cause of a lot of needless arguments; however; unless I had others how would I grow as a person, so therefore; I need others to point out the things that are tripping me up and point me in the right direction. “no man is an island unto himself”. Agreed that most people give “love” for selfish reasons, as you pointed out to make one feel good, but that does not mean that the person doing the good act is being selfish because he/her is feeling good about doing something kind for an other they care about. I do agree that real love is found as I said before in giving something to someone and not expecting anything in return be it time, a hug, a gift, a kiss, or whatever it may be, (self sacrifice) and yes I am going to feel good for doing these things, but that does not make me selfish because I feel good about giving these such things to an other, it makes me human. A misconception is that one who is acting selfish is self-centered, let me illustrate by using food as example eating is a selfish act, no. I eat because when I eat I am thinking about me, my hunger and the need to get filled so I can continue living, therefore it is selfish, but does that make me self-centered, no, why? because it is not who I am anymore than going to McDonalds makes me a burger. Back to your point. Are you aware that the mind can only think on one thing at a time. there is a story in India about a about this guy who came through a village selling gold. what he did was set up a cauldron and poured some powder into the pot, stirred it up, then poured it out and revealed that he had made gold, what the people did not see was that he used slight of hand and dropped a gold nugget into the pot. there was a man who purchased the formula from this guy, and as they were separating ways the guy who sold him the formula told him that if he ever thinks about the “red faced monkey” he would never make gold, story is that he went insane trying to get the “red faced monkey” out of his mind. point is that what ever you think about gets you, what we focus on determines how we feel, thus how we act. as true as it may be that “The mind creates more suffering than what is” point here is that it is about focus, if you do not want to feel bad about you change your focus, personally I as a christian I think about God and that has changed how I think and feel about myself, as in my perspective he greater then “I”. I have learned more about loving others when I stopped putting others last. So I need others to love. Now not that other complete me or that they dictate to me who I am, but rather without the need to love them I would not grow as a person, as I said in my last comment “real love” is sacrifice. Unless one loves an other for who they really are, regardless of what they do or do not do for us, or regardless of there point of view or whether they agree with us or not. than we are not really loving them, but rather dictating to them who they need to be for us, and then we are not letting them live, or be who they are and need to be. rather we are telling them how to live and yes we are manipulating them because we want to control them because we are selves are insecure and yes to needy, but the neediness your talking about differs from the neediness I am speaking about, in that needing someone to control so one can validate his/her own worth and needing someone to help. one tears down while the other lifts up. Now yes I can truly say I do not “need” another in that I do not “need” them to validate my humanity, as I live from purpose not for permission; however; I “need” others to complete my purpose, and that is to love them, to give of me, to help them up when they are down, not kick them. You know the problem is not with others it is with us, as we live to have other validate who we are, we look to others to tell us who we are, I ask then if they do not know who they are, what are they telling me about me? Should I listen? Should I trust there judgment. another question is that if I do not know who I am should I be listen to me? but because we have had others tell us who we are we think that is who we are and so we listen to that voice, but is that really who we are or just the tapes of an others voice. But we do listen to these “tapes”, because we are looking for “validation” but let me tell you until you find it you will be looking for it and you will be “needy”. So we look to a program, or a “guru”, or a “drug” be that literal drugs, or chocolate cake, or T.V. or the gym etc…, and do not forget we need to change our selves so others can love us, so I do agree that when we say I love you we are saying “please love me”, but that is only because we are looking to get our needs met by others and when they do not meet them we get mad at them and blame them, but then when we can not meet our own needs then we turn to other things such as our “drug”. or we escape into ourselves and we withdraw from our world, and then we push others away because it is better to be alone and not have to perform for the love I need than to live for and to others and have to perform to get my need for love met. Then when we feel we are ready to perform again and we have “tightened our belt buckles” and “pulled up our boot straps” we go out and perform for others so they will accept me for me, but “God forbid” that they find out the “real me”, so we put on masks and pretend to be what we are not. Because we are to afraid to show who we really are because we fear rejection and so we perform for others so they won’t reject us, but then we push them away first because it is better to reject them before they hurt us. right, wrong, it is a vicious cycle, sort of like “make up sex” get into an argument and we point out other peoples faults because we want to avoid the real issue, as it is easier to dance around the issues than to solve them, because if we solve the real issues in the relationship than what else do we work on, so rather than just loving each other and enjoying each others company we create needless problems so we can manipulate the other and make the other person feel bad so we can get out of them what we want, right again wrong then we go and we say were are “sorry” but we do not mean it, we just wanting to control them and we keep taking from them and sucking them dry for their love, gee I wonder why there is a 50% divorce rate, because well “no one is going to give it to me so better we just take from them what I want” this is self-centeredness. You know the wrong thing have been taught so long that even the wrong things sound right. thanks for the forum to express my voice.
I have only just discovered this site and cannot believe you answered a nagging question in my head, the net does work in mysterious ways!! All I did was put ‘loneliness’ into the search engine and there you were to answer my questions. Thank you for the article, a light bulb just went on in my head!
Wow..Came across this at exactly the right time…thank you!
Caroline and J, thank you for your comments
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