Love and Aloneness - Unravelling the ego and pride » Personal Development

Oct 28, 2007

Love and Aloneness - Unravelling the ego and pride

There is a most bizarre word the media and the psychologists have begun to use to describe loneliness in our societies: they say it has become an epidemic. An epidemic! A description normally reserved for extremely prevalent and widespread diseases – that is what this state of mind has become.

And the statistics back it up. A third of the citizens of many civilized countries admit to suffering from extreme loneliness. And the impact on our physical health - one study reported that isolated men were 25% more likely to die than those in a relationship, and the women 33% more likely.

Why is loneliness so painful? There are many reasons – but there is one in particular I’m starting to notice. Loneliness is a curse because we don’t know who we are - and that is our basic anxiety. When you are alone, all your self knowledge, your identity, your personality - your ego begins to unravel. The deeper into your aloneness you go, the more you see all your self-knowledge as they are – false.

And it is scary – what you have known your entire life - false! It is so scary that much of our culture is based around this fear. Social clubs, associations, political parties, and even cafés – they all exist for one thing: so one can avoid being alone. And what if we are by ourselves? Then we turn to music, alcohol, the television, the Internet – all to avoid being in our own company.

But the strange thing is – losing our false identity, it is a blessing. It can be scary, yes, but when we turn around and face it - when we turn our loneliness into aloneness –that is when we begin to experience what is real.

When you are alone, everything that you have disowned, everything that you refuse to accept or acknowledge – they begin to arise. We begin to truly know ourselves, to see the genuine. And that is not something that can be told - it has to be experienced.

Comparison – the unravelling of the self

The first thing we have to know is - when we are in a crowd, we think we know who we are. You are American, Vietnamese, Indian. Why? Because you look around and there are people who look different. Everyone calls you by your name, so that is who you are. Everyone acknowledges your title, your job description – they call you Mister, Missus, Madam, Doctor, Reverend, and that is what you think you are.

You are beautiful, because those around you are ugly. You are tall, because your neighbours are short. You are poor, because they live in mansions. You are rich, because some live in cardboard boxes.

But who you are, is not any of these. As Osho said - your heart is neither European nor African, tall nor short, poor nor rich. Who you are is beyond these little labels.

And when you are completely alone, there is no one to compare to. There is no false standard to measure yourself by – and that is when all these labels and false layers start to unravel. Your identity, your very personality, begins to disappear.

And all our lives, that is who we think we are. Our identity card, our driver’s license, and our passport. Our history, our descriptions, and our reputations. Our jobs and our accomplishments. And when that falls away…some people feel it a form of death. And in a way, it is.

What is left? The genuine. I can’t describe it - I haven’t gone there yet. But the deeper I have gone, the more I realise how beautiful it is. To go completely into aloneness, to find the real – I can’t think of anything I’d want more.

So, go and be alone. Not lonely, just alone. Accept and heal whatever bubbles to the front. Throw away all your masks and your false faces. Go away from society. Stop being afraid of loneliness, and just be alone. Let it become your mirror, the perfect mirror, to see who you really are.

And one day – when you feel ready, when you can say that you have known yourself, taken delight and found Love in yourself. That is when your butterfly comes out of the chrysalis. And this process is different for everyone. How long does it take? I’ve been alone for close to a year – and there is still so much to find!

The proud and the egotistical

And comparison leads us perfectly to a question that I have been pondering for a long time: What of those who are so proud and egotistical? What is the difference between being selfish, and of being self loving?

Love for oneself, for one’s totality – the heart, body, and soul - is perhaps the biggest accomplishment one can ever achieve. Someone who has such Love becomes joyful, peaceful, and content. It is impossible for one who knows Love to be hurtful. I know a few such people - they are the most humble women and men one can ever meet.

And just as someone who loves their garden will spend hours planting roses, picking out weeds, and smelling the fragrances – so, too will such people take pleasure in who they are.

And this is the source of much confusion. There are so many people who seem to be strong, confident, but there is something wrong. You must have met such people before – outwardly strong and powerful, but when they left, they left you feeling drained or weak. What is the difference between the two?

If you look carefully, and you know what to look for, the difference is there for you to see.

I once heard: There is no neutrality in life; there is either love or hate. There is no zero in which you are simply empty. What we think of as neutrality hides a quiet contempt, a let-them-burn attitude. If you don’t love, you hate. It might be a subtle hatred or a cool dislike, but it is hatred nonetheless.

Such people exude an indistinct anger and hatred. They make themselves feel better at the expense of those they come into contact with. They have boosted themselves by trampling on you. They spit on others – “I must be higher than they are if I can spit downwards” – that is their rationale. Everything they have – all their self worth and power - is based on judgement and comparison, based on having someone underneath them!

Vanity, egotism, and pride – they all hide a subtle unhappiness, a cleverly disguised animosity. All hatred is self-hatred – and this lies hidden underneath their actions. And that is why they belittle others. Some of the overt ones rage, or yell – and it is all just an externalisation of their internal self-violence. All their strength, their confidence – just a flimsy façade.

The vain and selfish

And the second thing: their worth is based on comparison. In fact, if taken to an extreme, pride becomes a form of personality disorder – narcissism. And this is the parable that Osho used to explain perfectly. All I can do is use the same story.

The story of Narcissus is a well known one – a young man who was so beautiful that he fell in love with his own reflection in the water. And there lies the difference. A humble man falls in love with himself; a vain man falls in love with his reflection.

And in that reflection – the comparison we’ve been discussing. The psychology manuals list the traits of the personality disorder concretely: A modern day Narcissus believes he is special, that he is more beautiful than others, that he deserves more. She is arrogant; she demands attention and constant admiration. She takes advantage of others, with total disregard for their feelings.

How egotistical! And that’s exactly what it is – pride stems from the ego. Comparison strengthens it. Take them away from the crowd, give them no one to compare to, and their pride and their façade falls apart. When they have no one to trample on and sneer at, the truth is revealed, the ugliness in them arises.

I remember a few beautiful women; they spent hours on their make-up and clothes, and they constantly belittled other women. They seemed to have unshakeable self confidence – but when I got to know them better, all their insecurities – often about their looks! - rose to the fore. And it didn’t make sense initially - many women would kill to look like them, most men couldn’t take their eyes off them. Such empty egoistic pride – it doesn’t stand up to the test of aloneness.

Love is totally different. I have heard: In Love, there is no split, there is no other. The lover and the loved all melt into one. Narcissus – he was split. His object of affection wasn’t himself, it was his reflection.

Fake love rejects – when there is perceived imperfection, fake love kicks away. Real Love knows no comparison. When there is perceived imperfection, real love deepens. It holds even tighter.

Know Love – ego and pride, are the opposites of Love. Cultivate Love, and watch as they dissolve.

Link Love

I’d like to end this post by highlighting a few blogs here that would be of interest to my dear readers.

I was delighted to find these blogs – very well written, insightful, and with material that is in line with this very Love and Compassion series. Please go and visit Loving Awareness, by Matthew Spears, and Springing Light, by Karen Murphy. You won’t be disappointed .

What’s next?

The Monk is back! Issues in my private life have cleared up, workload is more manageable, and university holidays are just upon us. I know I have been posting less frequently, but I’ll make up for it. I’ve learnt so much over the past few months – I just have to process them properly, and then I can share them!

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61 Comments, Comment or Ping

Nur

ALbert, Albert. I visited the Loving Awareness site.
It’s brilliant!!!
Thank you for sharing it.
Joy and Learning and Beauty Flowing Always.
Be blessed

Oct 28th, 2007
Albert

It is a brilliant site, yea! I was really happy to find it too! Thanks Nur.

Oct 28th, 2007
Matthew Spears @ Loving Awareness

Thank you for the link!

Oct 29th, 2007
Albert

My pleasure Matthew, hope it sent a few visitors your way.

Oct 29th, 2007
Be yourself - any time everywhere

I have a big idol: Freddie Mercury

Not just for his great music, but beceause he lived like I would like to live, and I also would like to live. He didnt care what people who didnt know him thought of him. He only cared if the people who were close to him loved him. Thats a rare thing. He was honest - not affraid to say: Im gay. He was himself no matter if he were at home or in an interview. I really like this page, because I agree with the stuff in here.. Ive been thinking about the same stuff, but Ive also learnt a lot.. just wanna say thank you for the page..I know where im gonna spent a lot of time now..

We could all learn a great deal from Freddie - He loved himself, but wasnt selfish. He was honest, not just to the one closest to him, but also to himself. Thats what gives you inner peace - I think

Oct 29th, 2007
Albert

Hmm I had to Google his life to find out his story, but I know what you mean now.

Thank you for the kind words, and hmm.. I do believe you are right - the more Love and honesty I have found the more inner peace I have.

Oct 30th, 2007
Miracle

I wanted to make several comments

I don’t know about far eastern religions but do call myself a Christian. I agree that christianity encourages individuals to have alone time, but there is also more. In order to really understand ourselves we need to be alone and in relationships.

I like your thoughts about comparisons. I was thinking about this the other day. I like to think that I am a good fathers because I can compare myself to other fathers. This doesn’t mean that I’m a good father. I am a better father. you either match up to the requirements to be something or you don’t.

Oct 30th, 2007
Albert

Thank you Miracle. I agree - being by ourselves, and being in a close relationship are some of the biggest mirrors you can have, to understand yourself. I guess it depends on what stage of life you’re at.

I would love to hear more from you on Love, ego, compassion, etc, from the Christian perspective, if you have time. I’ve been delving into Mystic Christianity and would be fantastic to hear more individual perspectives.

Oct 30th, 2007
David Richeson

Excellent post! I need time alone often to allow myself to unravel and recenter myself with my true Being (or as close as I can get to it).

Best,
David
http://www.360degreesuccess.com

Oct 30th, 2007
Miracle

Yeh, I would love to talk more, but I do need to point one thing out. I am not a Christian mystic. I enjoy reading Richard Foster and other more mystical christian writers, but do not have the time and opportunity to become knowledged in Christian mysticism.

Most of my writing and background is postmodern christian philosophy. My biggest influences are the gospels (including ones outside the typical bible), Soren Kierkegaard, Brian McLaren, C.S. Lewis and Richard Foster.

If you’d like, we could start a blog conversation and share our insights on our blogs. We’ll be able to share our insights with our readers.

Oct 30th, 2007
Albert

@ David: Thank you very much! Aloneness is beautiful, isn’t it!

@ Miracle: Moved over to email, mate! Would be great to start a blog conversation, as you suggested.

Oct 31st, 2007
Lawrence Cheok

Hi Albert, beautiful writings. Almost poetry like.

The fine gray lines between being alone and lonely, being proud, vain and egoistic. It’s so subtle, yet the effects they draw on a person’s character are so great.

Thanks.

Oct 31st, 2007
Albert

Glad you liked it Lawrence, pleasure to make your acquaintance and read your blog - it’s awesome as well.

Nov 1st, 2007
Modern Worker

Congrats on the latest design, done by YOU, Albert.

Nov 1st, 2007
Albert

Thanks Modern Worker, although I’m not sure what the last bit means?

Oh for the curious, the code was based on the Prosense theme done by doshdosh.com, and credits are in the CSS file, for those who see it

Nov 1st, 2007
Tina Su - Think Simple. Be Decisive.

Hi Albert,

I love this article so much and I completely connects with what you are saying.

I wrote a related article on the topic and have linked back to this post. You can read it at The Secret to Self Loving

Thanks for inspiring me.

Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
~ Productivity, Motivation & Happiness

Nov 1st, 2007
Albert

You’re welcome Tina, that’s a lot of good tips in your article. Take care.

Nov 1st, 2007
Raymond

Loneliness can be good or bad depends on how we associate the pain or pleasure to it.

Great article!

Nov 2nd, 2007
Albert

Thanks Raymond

Nov 2nd, 2007
Jerome

Very good observations and tips again.

And I’ve noticed this insecurity in beautiful women too and I was very surprised at first. It’s like you said: Most other women would want to have their looks but they themselves only see their few, what they call, flaws!? It’s sad. But the good thing is that we can help them and others (and us!) by explaining the ego and slowly finding Love.

Thanks again, mate!

Nov 6th, 2007
Albert

You’re very welcome mate, I’m really happy that you’re finding value in my ramblings

Nov 6th, 2007
Tina

Great article, best thing i’ve read on the net in a long time. keep up the good work

Nov 6th, 2007
Albert

@ Tina: Thank you very much, glad you liked it.

@ Bridgett: Thank you as well . You put the message at a bad time - my blog was having some technical difficulties and while I got your message in email (gratefully, might I add ) it didn’t show up in the comments.

I’ll add it here, thank you once again.

“I like your blog very much! The whole thing. I get alot from it, truly. I found it when I was trying to figure out how to love someone unconditionally without letting my EGO destroy the beauty of what we have. Thanks again!”

Nov 7th, 2007
Ian

I think the story of Narcissus here really adds to the message.

If you use a bit more ambiguous/metaphorical definition of “reflection” you come to find that many today are narcissists.

Others’ opinions of us are merely reflections of us, of our own actions.

People who fall in love with their social status are the epitome of narcissists. The praise they receive is nothing but a reflection that truly pales in comparison to the original light itself. If that person could stop for just a moment and consider the beauty of his own light, rather than how it reflects off of others, than I believe he could find true self-love.

Nov 26th, 2007
Albert

Ian, thanks for that. You have a lot of insight, and a poetic touch to your writings as well.

Nov 26th, 2007
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk

I’m almost never lonely, and when I am all I have to do is get out my journal and start writing. As you might expect, I spend a lot of time with myself. I also think of myself as a garden, so I gently pull the weeds and nurture the flowers. This post spoke to me.

Dec 4th, 2007
mountainmama

Thank you, Albert…I find your thoughts very insightful and thoughtful.
I had occasion to spend a great deal of time by myself before the birth of my wee man - had indeed chosen to move to an isolated rural area (with no phone, tv or internet for most of the time), and my husband was often away for work. I was never bored, and began to revel in the freedom of my thoughts and actions as I brooded over my growing belly, and savoured the awareness of those last precious moments of alone-ness. I have never felt more completely myself, even as I realised that I would never be the same again.
Many around me found it very challenging - they expected me to be lonely, fearful, anxious, when I was feeling strong, confident and trusting. Many people are afraid of the power of alone-ness…afraid of what they will find if they look in the quiet spaces of their minds.
Thank you again,for reminding me of what I found - caught up in the clutter and bustle of everyday village life (and loving it), I still crave a little of that alone-ness within my day. I’m a little less anchored and a little more fearful, a little more caught up with ego and pride, but I know why, and how I can regain my equilibrium.

Dec 6th, 2007
Albert

Hey mountainmama, thanks for sharing the story. It is the personal touches like these that really add a lot of value to the community and the readers. Normally it is just my perspective on aloneness, but with contributions like these, readers can see how it applies across a wide range of lives. Bravo!

Dec 7th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

Albert, you do such a beautiful job of expressing yourself. I find myself connecting with so much of what you write. These words and many of your other articles come just when I need them. I don’t know how this one slipped by my attention. I found this one because of the Carnival of Truth #3 that we both have articles in.

Dec 10th, 2007
Albert

Thank you Patricia, I appreciate your support and encouragement, as always!

Dec 10th, 2007
CG Walters

Excellent work–as usual–Albert.

I tend to think that our lives become so structured for incessant stimuli, that few people can stand to be alone even for the moments of silence between thoughts in meditation. If one has not become accustomed to that experience, it is going to be very hard to imagine the connection and communication with all things (therefore never alone even when physically removed).
Peace and wonder,
CG

Dec 17th, 2007
Albert

That’s a good insight CG, I really enjoy the new insights and perspectives. It is funny how you mention that, because the first time my mind went silent without meditation, I was like “wow…what the hell is this…”

Dec 17th, 2007
Fire Town

When we are alone, we are wondering why nobody is reaching out to us or we miss someone from the past who we believe cannot be replaced.

Feb 15th, 2008
Albert

Yeap, that’s what it feels like when we’re lonely, doesn’t it?

Feb 15th, 2008
maria gudelis

I’m afraid to be alone and to feel that I’m so lonely even though I’m not. reading this articles of yours remind me the quote about “no man is an island”

Mar 9th, 2008
Albert

Thanks for that, have a look at this post if you are looking for more on loneliness

http://www.urbanmonk.net/136/l.....f-romance/

Mar 9th, 2008
Kristina

This is so true. Its funny that i came across this post today - i was thinking about how i would cope with being alone if it happened. Its quite sad that people are depressed about being alone. Its very true what you said about how we tend to do things like watch TV, just to avoid being by ourselves. I have done this in the past, without realising the reason behind it. So, what is one supposed to do when alone, if not this?

Mar 17th, 2008
Albert

Hey Kristina, thanks Try out this post which is sort of part of the same series -
http://www.urbanmonk.net/136/l.....f-romance/

Mar 17th, 2008
Wanda Grindstaff

Excellent points. This is such a beautiful tribute to understanding oneself.

Apr 14th, 2008
Albert

Thanks Wanda I’m really happy to have you here.

Apr 14th, 2008
Jasper

Wonderful article, and makes me think of what we are doing to our children now at a very young age. Often they are punished for wanting to even play alone and rewarded for being part of the group. Day care is the beginning and school continues this. Being alone should be a pleasure to revel in one’s own company, but children are taught it is wrong to do anything alone.

May 5th, 2008
Albert

Thank you Jasper - yes it’s kinda scary what we’ve been socialised into doing and thinking, isn’t it?

May 5th, 2008