The perils of forced Compassion and Loving-Kindness, Part 1
Compassion, the helping of those in need, is espoused as one of the greatest virtues a person can have. Politicians swear by it; religions espouse it; everyone seems to agree it is a good thing to do.
And there is no doubt it is a great virtue – but what if there are right ways and wrong ways to go about it? What if, in trying to help, we sometimes end up hurting ourselves – or the person we are trying to help?
“How is that possible?” you ask. Allow me to illustrate with a few examples.
Why we begin with ourselves
I’ve stated before; Compassion has to begin with ourselves. How can we give what we don’t have? If we look inside ourselves, and we see self hatred – and be aware, for such feelings are very often cleverly disguised as pride, or repressed – how can we give out Love? Whatever we give will be plastic replica; a cheap imitation at best, an insult at the very worst.
A teacher once told me that love is a by-product of a rising consciousness. As we get happier, it becomes simply natural to share the joy we have within. We have no other choice – otherwise we will simply burst apart at the seams! Finding the joy within – one of the most important things to do is to remove the suffering within – to accept ourselves, to heal our old wounds, to find and love the disowned parts of ourselves.
And this becomes especially important when we get to the teachings of Jesus: Love your enemy. How do we do so? Love yourself – everyone nods. It’s wise, it’s the current catch phrase. Love your neighbor – and everyone nods again. How generous, how ego less! Love your enemy. But here it gets hard. Who wants to love the people who hurt them, and if they do, how do they do it right?
Loving your enemy
There are a few things that people try to do to their enemies. Forgiveness – which to most people simply means: I’m still right, you’re still wrong, you’re still a bastard but I’m a good person so I forgive you. Just don’t do it again. And the other is acceptance – which simply means: There’s nothing I can do about it now, and my moaning is making me more upset, so I’ll just swallow my pains silently.
I’ve fallen into the same trap before. But true forgiveness comes simply when you see that there is nothing to forgive. And this is a hard pill to swallow. When you see the great design of Existence, when you truly see that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger – you might even find gratitude for those who have hurt you.
This is a hard concept to explain; but they were covered in these posts: Gratitude for the Bad, and What your ego is – Part 1, and Part 2. Heavy reading, but it is an attempt to explain something that might be relevant. And these posts are not based on some sort of feel-good philosophy – I’ve been intensively examining my own history and it’s starting to strike me how certain things, good or bad, just happened at the right time to teach me exactly the lesson I need to learn. And if I didn’t learn from it, then it would hit me again and again and again – until I awoke and learnt from it.
But inside the flawed interpretation of forgiveness, lies danger. If someone slaps you in the face, or if you come face to face to the man who tortured you as a child – you remember what Jesus said, and you try to live up to it. You force a smile, you try to forgive, all the while holding back the fear, the anger, the grief that is still there in your chest.
Isn’t this dangerous? Isn’t this another form of running away from your pains? An open wound on your forearm, untended to, begins to rot. It is the same with the scars on our hearts – resentment and anger begins to build, to get worse than it was before. You might explode and seek revenge; you might go home and take it out on someone innocent, or it might show up in your body as illness – we can never hold something down for long. Fill yourself up with Love and it will spill over; fill yourself with hatred and the same happens.
Start within you
And in this roundabout way, we return to why we have to begin with ourselves. Why do we make enemies? Many reasons; but they all begin from within you. I have found three major causes within myself; I am preparing a series on them, but here they are in brief:
- They are pouring salt on an existing wound – accidentally or purposefully, it doesn’t matter.
- They represent a part of yourself you have disowned
- They just happened to threaten your sense of self, your need for approval or security
But when you have gone deep into yourself, when you have healed your wounds, reclaimed your shadow, and cured all your insecurities and wants – who can hurt you? I’m not talking about physical danger, but the majority of our wounds – the ones to our inner being.
Compassion begins from the heart
And the next step in our logic; that compassion has to begin from the heart. Any other form of compassion is tainted, and if the other person is perceptive – they will notice the falseness of your actions and respond in kind.
I have done it many times before - attempted to be loving to those who have hurt me - but inside me the resentment simply built. On top of the injury, I now had to suffer the insult of being “kind” to them. For days afterwards I would have fantasized about what would have happened if I had simply let my rage out on them, if I had put them in their place and let them know what I really thought about them.
I remember a disagreement with someone I had to work with in my design business. It’s hard to say who was right or who was wrong, but things began to escalate quickly. I removed myself from the situation, calmed myself down, forced a smile on my face, and returned. I responded calmly to her verbal stings, and it worked – on an external level. We came to a compromise, and left on an uneasy truce.
But I was still stewing about it as I walked away. How dare she say that? What does she know? How could such an ignorant person exist? The mask of calmness I made myself wear made things worse – I felt I was right, but why was I the one who had to apologize to keep the peace? Why was I the one to back off?
But if I was alert – everything was a reflection of my internal struggles. Deep down inside, there must have been some insecurity – perhaps about my work, my skills, or my value as a person – that she had touched. I wouldn’t have my anger arise if there wasn’t. If someone had called me hideous, pointing at my hair and saying it was too long, there would have been no reaction – my hair is cropped short.
As I began to heal these wounds and insecurities, I begin to notice that the salt that was being poured on my body no longer found any broken skin to enter and sting. And when that happened, no longer was my smile a painted smile, a polite formality which hid a cold anger. It had slowly become a genuine calm. Could it be possible then, that a genuinely compassionate response could only arise from someone who has attained to such a level of mastery – could such a person be the only one to give out a Love that is rooted, organic, alive?
When no one can hurt you, when you have no buttons to push – that is when you see you have no enemies. That is when you see that everyone is your neighbor, they are just playing their roles, the jobs that they are placed on Earth to do. These roles your ego might not agree with, your ego might judge as bad, but you see that there is nothing that ever truly hurts you. It is simply there to make you stronger.
Perhaps, with that understanding, you can see that those who hurt you – they only do so because of their own internal wounds – and then, that understanding - what a step towards compassion! By working on ourselves in this manner – perhaps that is when our compassion really begins to flow.
Link Love
There are two blogs that are quickly gaining popularity, and rightly so. Both of them feature high quality content, and are written from the heart. Patricia Singleton’s Spiritual Journey of Lightworker has been a constant friend of Urban Monk since the early days, and her writings showcase her courage and compassion. A perfect example of this would be a series from the archives (not for the weak): Incest may be part of my life.
Another blog is by Lawrence Cheok, called a Long Long Road – he has a slightly different focus – great personal tips on relationships, the difference between men and women, and best of all – personal finance. An example of his classic financial material can be found at: Why Schools should teach Personal Finance.
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22 Comments, Comment or Ping
Tina Su - Think Simple. Be Decisive.
Indeed we need to start everything within our self in able to share it. Love thyself first before we could love others.
http://thinksimplenow.com/happ.....lf-loving/
Love & Gratitude,
Tina
Think Simple. Be Decisive.
~ Clarity & Happiness
Nov 22nd, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, I am crying tears of joy. Thank you so much for such high words of praise. To use an old cliche, they mean the world to me. Have a glorious day. Thanks for the link love.
Nov 23rd, 2007
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul
Albert, what a beautiful article. I completely agree with you about forgiveness - there is always an element of judgment in it.
When I try to cultivate compassion for those who I seem to be at odds with, I remember the times when I’ve been thoughtless, or unkind. We all carry within us the same capacities to be mean, hurtful, abusive. Some of us live these capacities, others choose not to. Recognizing that we, too, are capable of hurting others can allow us to to come off our high horse of judgment, or rise up out of victimization, open our hearts, and find compassion in the commonality of our human experience.
Blessings and thanks to you,
Andrea
P.S. Glad you mentioned Patricia’s blog - I’ve been a reader of hers for a while and she writes with tremendous authenticity and courage.
Nov 23rd, 2007
Albert
@ Patricia: If anything, I understated how much I like your blog
Thank you for all your support right from the start.
@ Andrea: That is a fantastic way of putting it. I’m starting to realise the same thing, that the people I hate actually represent my shadow side, and your way of incorporating it into compassion is awesome.
Thanks, both of you, for the comment!
Nov 23rd, 2007
Albert
Hey Tina! Thank you for your comment and your support.
Nov 23rd, 2007
Lawrence Cheok | A Long Long Road
Hi Albert,
I simply have to agree with Andrea. This is another beautiful piece. As discussed before, this is a talent of yours: the ability to express words in such clarity and beauty.
You are right that compassion has to come from inside out. We can all fake that smile and pretend that we have forgiven. However, it was a constant stuggle for me to understand, come from the other party’s point of view and then forgive. You have succiuntly explained an abstract concept that has constantly eluded my ability to express in words. Kudos for that!
I was mighty surprise to see the love link at the end of your post. It is a pleasnt surprise, and greatly flattering to have such compliments coming from someone who I respect for his writings.
To quote Patricia: “To use an old cliche, they mean the world to me” (double cliche).
Take care Albert.
Nov 23rd, 2007
Albert
Lawrence, I’m blushing now - you guys are really too kind with your words. I really appreciate them. We’re all blogging friends and fellow travellers, always happy to do my tiny little bit to help out someone. Cheers!
Nov 23rd, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Andrea, thanks for your praise. I just read what Lawrence said on your blog and I agree with him.
Albert, on my trip to Louisiana to visit my in-laws, I finally was able to read your entire article and I just had to write my own article because of the inspiration that came to me from reading this wonderful article. It expresses all of the lessons that I have learned about compassion so well. I haven’t posted the article yet but I will in the next few days. Thanks for the inspiration. Your articles are getting better and better, if possible.
Nov 24th, 2007
Mike S
Albert,
Essentially, true forgiveness means that it never happened. There’s nothing to forgive. Granted, that’s a deep place to go to, and personally, I’ve never been there for very long, but it makes sense.
If I dwell in a place of self-love (which you have so eloquently discussed) and that’s the ‘filter’ through which I see the world, then not to extend from this type of “forgiveness” will inevitably taint the filter and, subsequently, taint the world. Therefore, I suffer and so does the world.
Albert, your persistent and penetrating self-inquiry is a model for all of us. All the answers, in fact everything, we need are within and your posts are testament to that very process.
Keep going within and, thereby, help us all do the same.
Mike s
Nov 24th, 2007
Albert
@ Patricia: I can’t wait for it
. Everywhere I go on the internet I hear people talking of your courage and authenticity, just like Andrea. You are really striking a chord with people. Please keep it up.
@ Mike: Mike, would love to hear more about “it never happened”? If by that, you mean that it never happened as a bad thing, then I agree - nothing bad really happens (although that’s something I doubt I have been to as well.)
Byron Katie told a beautiful story. She said she met a woman in the hospital, she had a disease or something on her leg, which made it swell to twice the size of the other leg. And the other woman was crying.
Katie looked and looked at her leg, but couldn’t find anything wrong with it. The patient asked “What do you mean? Can’t you see how big it is? It’s deformed!”
Then Katie began laughing. “Oh, you mean you’re suffering from the thought that it should be the same size as the other leg!”
Would love to hear more from you on this topic, it’s fascinating, and something I’ve recently begun to see.
Thank you very much for the encouragement. I’m really grateful that you feel that way.
Nov 24th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, thanks and I don’t see me as being any different than anybody else. I loved your story about Byron Katie. I just got one of her books in the mail today and I am looking forword to reading it.
Nov 24th, 2007
Alban
Hi Albert,
interesting post here. It is not an easy act to truly forgive. As the world sees it, forgiveness is nothing but judgment and attack disguised as kindness. Of course healing does not come from such a perspective.
Yet, as you pointed out very well, there is another way. Many lessons of A Course In Miracles are designed to help you forgive truly. Finally it is very simple. There is no one outside of me. I am doing it to myself. Period. My enemy is myself.
It takes great trust and determination to go this way, yet no other will work. Thanks,
Alban
Nov 25th, 2007
Laura
Hi Albert,
Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I’ve just come across your blog and look forward to going back and reading other posts.
I have been on a spiritual journey this past year that has included learning to forgive at almost every turn. At times it has been almost physically painful but worth every moment of discomfort.
I’ve found that truly forgiving is like taking off a long-worn heavy coat made of scratchy fabric. It’s something I’ve worn so long I’d forgotten what it was like not to have it on. It’s such a relief to be light and free of the burden.
I’m actually looking forward to more forgiveness. Once I started, I found that I didn’t want to stop. It’s even lead me to understand giving on a much deeper level.
Take care and thank you again.
Laura
Nov 25th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, my article is posted at http://patriciasingleton.blogs.....th-me.html
Thanks for the inspiration.
Nov 25th, 2007
Albert
@ Alban: Thanks for that, looks like I’ll have to open my copy of ACIM - I bought one a couple of weeks ago but never got past the first few chapters. I completely agree when you say that you are doing it to yourself, it comes as a big shock when you realise that you are the one hurting yourself!
@ Laura: Hi Laura, I’m happy that you are here, and that you like my site. Thank you for the compliments. I know how you feel - going into yourself is one of the most exciting and happy journeys ever - painful and scary at times, but definitely worth the trip.
@ Patricia: Fantastic post! I’m really touched to see that I was the inspiration for this genuine and beautiful article.
This is the best section: “Real compassion allows you to see all of the other person, warts and all, and allows you to choose to love that person anyway. It allows you to see the other person’s pain. I know that my dad’s rage came from the hurt and angry child that he was inside. I know that my mom carried a very frightened little girl inside of her.”
Unconditional love / forgiveness is so hard to come across, but definitely one of the best things you strive towards - both for yourself and the other person.
Nov 25th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, thanks for getting it. When people get what I say, that makes the writing worth it. I look forward to reading your next article.
Nov 25th, 2007
Merlin Silk
Hi Albert,
I so much needed the reminder that the right form of forgiving is seeing that there is nothing to forgive.
Thanks!
Merlin
Nov 28th, 2007
Albert
You’re welcome Merlin
Nov 28th, 2007
Mangonsteen
Hi Albert,
I am very thankful for stumbling upon your website while looking for some spiritual guidance on the internet. I read your history and in it you mentioned your gradual loss of passion for web designing during a long period of depression, I am wondering how you regained that passion. I am going through the same thing with my career and have a hard time deciding whether it is time to change career or is it just me not happy with my life in general. I am wondering if you could suggest any articles you have written that may address this issue?
Thanks so much.
Nov 28th, 2007
Albert
Hi Mangonsteen,
I have to say that each person is different, and I don’t fully know. For me, losing passion for my career was a reflection of my inner unhappiness - I lost passion for almost everything. Moving out of suffering allowed me more energy to do everything, including my career. But still, I also found a new life purpose in addition to my design work. So I would say it’s a combination of both, on my end. I don’t know what it is for you.
Maybe you could focus on moving out of suffering emotionally, and then clearing your head (if you are upset/depressed/angry/etc, you can’t really think straight). And once you have done that you would be in a better position to think about your career.
Nov 28th, 2007
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