The life that has gone on before: The Perils of Compassion, Part 2
The word “Sensei”, to the western mind, brings up an image of a great master, a teacher of the esoteric arts.
I have heard that in its native Japan, the connotations of this word are very different. Any teacher of any sort, from the most ordinary to the most renowned, is called a sensei. A kindergarten schoolteacher is a sensei; a professor at a university is also a sensei.
Perhaps the word has lost some of its grandeur. Perhaps the western interpretation is more suitable; for the two characters that are used to write the word combine to form something most striking: the life that has gone before. A sensei is not merely a teacher, someone who parrots from a textbook - but someone who has walked the way before you, someone who has trodden the path you are seeking, been through the same forge, climbed out of the same valleys and laughed on top of the same mountains. Common teachers are everywhere – but Sensei, in the true sense of the word – they are so hard to find.
The forge of experience
And this is yet another reason we have to begin with ourselves. Understanding is one of the foundations towards a soft heart; and understanding comes from having trodden the exact same path, having cried the same tears and shouted in the same joy. Is there a better way – no, is there even another way – to find this understanding?
Words are just words. Whatever you say, there will be disagreements. Sometimes they come from people who have experienced differently, or have read different books. Sometimes they will come from people who try to prove themselves better, who try to satisfy their ego. Words are empty; they mean nothing. Everyone can argue with words, and so they will.
But who can argue with who you are? It is possible, to be sure – but so much harder.
When an unhappy man says: Do this and you will be happy – who will listen? When a poor woman says: Follow this metaphysical Law, think this way, recite this affirmation, and you will achieve abundance – who listens? It is no different from a fat man telling you how to lose weight, or a girl who has never been fat in her life – it is absurd. But this is what is happening all over the world.
Unhappy people are telling others how to be happy. They are going around spreading their advice. I remember the first time someone told me how to solve our sorrows. He was a professional athlete; he told me to simply to train to the point of exhaustion – and then I would simply come home and slump into bed, too tired to think about my sadness. And for the rest of my life – just push my body until I can think about nothing else but sleep. And I was only a teen – I listened!
This is happening on a wider scale - people who are still in the depths of their own sorrow are talking to others; becoming a friendly shoulder to cry on. Others become psychologists, therapists, teachers. Please don’t misunderstand - there are so many wonderful women and men in these roles; but there are many who aren’t.
It is better to remain silent
This will sound harsh – but until we move out of our own sorrow, perhaps it is better to keep quiet.
Until then, it is merely the blind leading the blind. Everybody is just parroting what they got from other parrots, they’re just repeating what they got from books. They don’t even know if it works, for they’re not happy themselves. Everyone else is just listening to everyone else, and it goes around in a circle. Yes – a very bold thing to say – but until you have found peace, it is better to keep quiet.
For the blind leader has caused so much damage. He is leading others down the wrong path, and everyone who follows will be even more messed up. She falls down a hole, and everyone who is holding on to her will fall down the same hole.
When I first decided to move out of my suffering, I followed all the different teachers I could find. Everyone recommended positive thinking, so I tried it for months, only to discover that it led to repression. And so I tried NLP, I took on this method and that system, only to find most of them were no different - they were just more sophisticated ways of doing the same thing: pushing your pains downwards and keeping it there.
This is the reason I am only sharing what has worked for me. Never as someone who holds all the answers, only as someone who is walking right besides you. Never – never – as someone who has reached the end. My writings are focused on a narrow area of the human experience - the inner world. It is one of the few areas I feel qualified to write on, the only area I have made significant progress in. Everything else is pure book knowledge, and book knowledge is just words.
Two acts of charity – but only one a kindness
This will sound even more extreme. Forget teaching, or advising. Just the act of helping others could be a slap in the face. Perhaps we shouldn’t even consider any kind of charity or volunteer work or kindness – not until we find this inner peace. I am not saying, don’t do charity work, or never volunteer at the local shelter, for many of the kindest men and women can be found there. All I’m saying is – it may be wiser to wait until you have found your own inner peacefulness.
“Why does he say this?” you might think. “Even external charity? Even helping others out?”
Two people come to mind; they best illustrate this difference. I have mentioned my own struggles with anger and sadness many times before. When I was in that phase of my life, I met a young woman. She sticks out in my memories – she was pretty, smart and polite, but there was something harsh about her eyes, a selfishness and cynicism. One day she pointed out that my repressed anger was subtly present in my every word and action. “You’re a very angry person,” she continued. “You know you can call me if you ever need to talk about something, maybe I can help.”
A very sweet gesture, and I should have felt happy and grateful. But somehow I felt humiliated and a little resentful. I didn’t know why at that time, for it was just a small suggestion, and so I kept quiet - but I realize why now. There was a very subtle insult behind her words. The insult was completely unintentional, her intentions were kind. But the insult was inevitable, simply because she had not found that peace within. Every action would be tainted by what she had inside her – and I shudder to write that, because I have been far more guilty of that crime, that contaminated kindness, than she was.
There was another woman I remember, though. I would have been only ten at the time. I was running around in the rain on a crowded street, waiting for my parents to pick me up. It was a rainy day, and I slipped and fell down a set of stairs. I remember sitting there for a few minutes, grimacing in pain. Everyone just walked past, ignoring me. And then this young woman, she was pregnant, but she left the shelter she was standing under. She slowly and carefully walked down the same slippery stairs, holding her full belly. She let herself go wet in the rain, simply to ask me if I was okay. I don’t remember much else; not even her face - but when I began to write this series, memories of her gentleness, the feeling I had around her, began swarming into my mind.
Two minor moments in my history. Perhaps they don’t mean much in the grand scheme of things – but perhaps they do. Two acts of outwards compassion, but one an insult, the other pure. And the genuine act of compassion – it has stayed with me for so many years.
Guilt and selfishness
How can you help others, if you haven’t helped yourself?
When I decided to retreat from the world to find myself, I felt a lot of guilt. There are people suffering outside, homeless, sick, starving – and what was I doing? Silent contemplation, meditation, reading? Shouldn’t I be out there first, before spending time on myself?
And I suspect this guilt is something many others will find inside themselves as well. Mothers, fathers, lovers – they will be thinking: “What about my children, what of my spouse? What kind of mother would I be, if I didn’t take care of them first?”
Naturally - take care of them. Keep your commitments, nourish those you love. But then, find your peace too. Make that a priority, just as high as anything else.
I was recently reading a rant by someone who thought the Buddha was selfish. For those who don’t know of the Buddha’s story: Before he became the Buddha, he was a prince. But he was one who desperately wanted his peace, so he abandoned his wife and family to go out into the world. He took six years to find it, to find his blissfulness – but at the expense of leaving everyone and everything behind. Six years satisfying himself - isn’t that the ultimate act of selfishness!
It might appear that finding your own peace means nothing to anyone else; nobody else benefits but you. What if the truth was just the opposite? What if the six years he spent, was to create authenticity in his life? Six years to open his own eyes, to lift the veils of his blindness – and by doing so, leading countless numbers of people out of their own misery?
Osho said something else about the Buddha that stuck in my mind for a long time. It was in response to the others who had condemned the Buddha. He has never taught anyone to be charitable, these detractors said. He has never taught anyone to give to the poor, to spread education, to make hospitals. All he taught was how to end your own suffering – he was teaching selfishness.
But was he against charity? No. He knew that once you find your inner serenity, charity will come of its own accord. He didn’t have to say anything – because he knows it will happen. It cannot be otherwise. And when that charity comes, it will not be contaminated, it will not carry a subtle derision. It will simply appear because it is natural to behave that way; and then it will be pure. Perhaps charity that is the result of a law, a commandment, or a teaching, perhaps charity like that is mere egotistical posturing.
First help yourself
So if you want to help others, first help yourself. This guilt is simply a result of false conditioning. Drop it, just drop it. Become unselfish first by becoming selfish.
Until then, you yourself are drowning - how can you help the other? Both of you will be flailing around, pulling each other down.
Isn’t this why a smiling baby is one of the most beautiful sights in the world? A newborn babe is so unconditional, so carefree. It smiles without expecting you to smile back. And when we look at them, a part of us longs to return to that innocence. When they smile, we smile and laugh in return – this reaction is almost uncontrollable, except to the most hard hearted of humans.
In the same way, if you want to make a difference in the world, then first focus on yourself; make yourself supremely happy. Then your joy will become contagious; like a smiling baby, your very presence will make a difference.
Link Love
I’d like to highlight two personal development blogs. They are slightly different in focus, more on the external world, and more scientific in feel. It might make a nice change from the type of material I post.
The first is the Positivity Blog, run by Henrik Edberg. A recent good post of his: 9 Mistakes in Goal setting, a very comprehensive look that really helped me in my own process.
The second is Scott H Young’s self titled blog. What amazes me is how young he is, only 19. A recent post that struck me as relevant is The Psychological Benefits of Optimism.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS.(What does Subscribing / RSS mean?)
55 Comments, Comment or Ping
Barbara
Albert,
The life that has gone before…
Did you know you were speaking directly to me today? Even though we have never corresponded?
Recently I have been trying to make a decision about how I would share my experience. I kept feeling I should hold back just a while longer. I wondered if it were fear. I know now I need to have the right balance. What I had been searching for is exactly what you said. I borrow an ancient phrase, “do no harm”.
The words eluded me. Thank you for your eloquence. Much appreciated.
Barbara
Nov 26th, 2007
uzma
So true, thank you.
Nov 26th, 2007
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk
I like your attitude of sharing your experience rather than trying to preach. That’s the approach I take at Cheerful Monk and Transforming Stress. We’re all different and have to find what works for us. What does help, I’m convinced, is to tell other people what we’ve tried and what has worked for us. And to encourage them to share their experiences, too.
Nov 26th, 2007
Albert
@ Barbara: Thank you for your kind words. Are you a blogger, or a writer of some kind? I don’t know if I’m thinking too much, but I can feel your eloquence and your big heart through your words.
@ Uzma: You’re welcome! Thanks for stopping by, as always
Nov 26th, 2007
Albert
Jean, thank you
. Great that you understand where I’m coming from. Didn’t realise you had a blog on stress as well, good stuff! I know where I’ll be spending some time next.
Nov 26th, 2007
Ian
You mentioned two stories of charity/compassion, and how one was received as an insult, and the other as genuine compassion.
Although I can see what you mean, and I can recognize how you may have come to that conclusion, I’m extremely curious to know why you think one would be received as an insult (or perhaps a show of pity) and why the other wouldn’t.
If I had to guess, I’d imagine the reason why the first show of compassion was received as an insult has much to do with the nature of the problem you had. Anger is a very proud emotion. Having someone disrupt that in an off way could easily only make the problem worse.
The second situation was less of a matter of pride, though. You were already feeling vulnerable, and wanted someone to help.
Then again, it could also very well be related to the age at which both events occurred. I assume that you were an adult at the time when the first situation happened. Perhaps by that time you were already jaded due to your age? It does seem as though we tend to be much more open towards compassion when we’re younger.
But, this is all just my own rambling. What’s your take on the question?
Nov 26th, 2007
Albert
A very good question! It is my fault, I should have explained it a bit better – at the time, I thought the insult was also a kindness. I didn’t know why I felt humiliated at her show of kindness. I thanked her for it, and thought she was a good person, but the whole conversation just left me feeling a bit funny.
I wasn’t overtly angry at that phase of my life. I had repressed all of it – I didn’t even know I had an anger issue, or maybe I just didn’t acknowledge it. She was one of the people who brought it to my attention.
I doubt age had to do with it, although that’s a fantastic point as well. I have a few examples of kind people from my adult years, but mainly I was sick of talking about the “anger phase” of my life, and so I used an earlier example.
Also, it is true – the moment I started writing the compassion series (the draft began many months ago), she was the one that just popped out of my head. And given that I have a poor memory and don’t remember much from my childhood, this was very special.
Nov 26th, 2007
Miracle
Hey Albert,
I found this piece to be very useful for me in my life right now. I am going through some counseling and I was at the point of asking if I should continue. Is it really helping for me to better understand myself. Honestly, yes, and I am more selfless with my wife, family and friends. Thank you.
On the other hand, I don’t think one comes to completeness until they have been compassionate and served another. It is the action that takes place which has affirmed all the work we have done on ourselves. I still think that we will best reach completeness by serving others and serving ourselves at the same time
Nov 26th, 2007
Albert
Hi Miracle, glad I helped. I’m glad that you’re providing feedback, all your feedback helps me to grow. I do think that we can go out and be charitable, but it is a very dangerous path because we could be insulting them - the very next article in this series
Nov 26th, 2007
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk
Albert,
I loved your discussion of charity. When I was teaching Sunday school it bothered me some when the kids were doing charitable projects. I worried that when they were helping people less fortunate than them there was a tinge of them somehow being superior.
In your first example the woman stated you were angry, she didn’t ask. That is very intrusive. She was coming from a superior position…she was implying she was more aware than you were. That’s the type of situation I would avoid. In your second example the pregnant woman was sharing…she was acting out of genuine concern. She wasn’t putting herself in a one-up position.
Thanks.
Nov 26th, 2007
Quint
Even though I am no longer a practicing Christian, I find truth and value in many Bible verses. One that has stuck with me for a very long time is 2 Corinthians 1:4
As you said, if we are to give comfort and compassion it has to come from comfort we ourselves have received, either from “god” or from others, or from ourselves. I can’t give true comfort to a woman dealing with a miscarriage because I will never understand her pain, but I can share compassion and care with someone dealing with depression because that is part of my personal experience.
I find myself really struggling with what you are saying about selfishness. If I create sadness in others by pursuing my own happiness, what value am I creating outside of myself? But if I pursue my own happiness in the context of my daily life, and share what I learn with my wife, children and friends, then I am expanding my happiness as I receive it. I also know that the lessons I am learning have true value, because the proof is in my daily successes. I believe there has to be a balance between the selfishness that is necessary for me to pursue happiness, and my obligation to the relationships that enrich my life.
Nov 26th, 2007
Albert
@ Jean: Again, your perspective on things really helps to illustrate what I’m trying to say, thanks.
@ Quint: Woo! You raise a good point, I should have put that in there. Yes I agree you have to strike a balance. The Buddha was an extreme example (probably why he became the Buddha). I was merely referring to taking some time out to find myself. It was easier for me as I have no wife and kids, my friends and family are very understanding, and so I found it easier than others to take time out for myself. I kept all my other commitments, work and study wise. If I had wife and kids I would have kept my commitments to them as well. Brilliant stuff, mate, I’m going to edit my post right now.
And thank you for that quote as well. I’m really loving the contributions you guys are making to the discussion. Thank you very much.
Nov 26th, 2007
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul
Hi Albert,
Two things struck me - one, that offering assistance to others can easily become an act of disempowerment. We cannot presume that anyone needs our teaching or assistance. We cannot even presume that someone else needs assistance at all - who are we to judge whether someone is “angry” or “troubled.” Instead, we can uphold for another that when it is time to embrace a life lesson, the person will seek out the assistance most appropriate for them at that time. If we happen to be there and they turn to us - great! In the meantime, however, our job is to do our own work. If our work inspires someone - wonderful. But that is not its purpose.
Which brings me to the other part, the “selfishness.” I’m very big on serving ourselves first(whole article here, http://www.empoweredsoul.com/blog/?p=78), so that we may better serve the world. After all, who are we to find ourselves less deserving of qualities that we would certainly want for our family, our friends, and our children?
In the end, we can only be responsible for our own choices and growth. Therefore, the logical place to start with increasing peace and joy and happiness in this world is with ourselves.
Thanks for the wonderful article!
Blessings,
Andrea
Nov 27th, 2007
Albert
Hey Andrea, thanks for the comment. That is a brilliant point - it really got me thinking. I have been talking a lot about how the bad things in my life have really turned out to be things that made me stronger, but never really thought about the bad things for other people. How do we know that it isn’t making them stronger as well? And by interfering and “rescuing” them, we are preventing them from growing.
And a very nice article too - I’m starting to think that self-sacrificing tendencies could be a sign of low self-esteem. I can’t be sure though. What do you think?
Blessings in return
Albert
Nov 27th, 2007
Mike S
Albert,
I agree that when you come from a deeper sense of self-love, you find that you can give and no longer attach to the giving because it cannot be perceived in any way as “sacrifice,” or doing something different or other than what you ARE. The old internal script (sometimes just a whisper) of “what a good boy am I” recedes and eventually dissolves. You just ARE and you just DO…
When you “dwell in that Kingdom of Heaven Within” the “doing” naturally merges with the “doer” and there is no longer separation between the two parts. I think this is the “purity” that Osho adeptly makes reference to. When love is what you are, love is what you do…
I believe our natural, internal inclination is toward “Oneness” or joining, (with self and others) yet it’s the unnatural attachment to the external world that pulls us away from the natural.
Nevertheless, on a more done to earth level, the fact just is: If you aren’t taking care of yourself first, then what good are you going to be for anybody else anyway?
Great Post Sensei!
Keep going in and sharing what you find.
Mike S
Nov 27th, 2007
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul
Hi Albert,
The self-sacrificing theme may be related to low self-esteem. I have encountered some people who tell themselves that others will fall apart without their assistance, all in a desire to feel necessary and important. Then there is the need to address our own issues through helping others (wait, I guess that’s low self-esteem, too, right?).
But what it all boils down to for me is separation. Or rather, the illusion of separation. Seeing ourselves separate from God (because we’d have no trouble serving ourselves if we saw it as serving God), and seeing ourselves separate from others (because we’d recognize that we serve others as we serve ourselves).
Somehow, I keep coming back to that unsexy Law of Oneness whenever I comment on your blog.
Blessings,
Andrea
Nov 27th, 2007
Love Story
Indeed, it pays to learn to be kind to yourself first before sharing anything to others. But it’s hard for many to do this because of many influences.
I enjoyed this post a lot.
Nov 27th, 2007
Albert
@ Mike: Agreed with you on both levels, and you’re displaying so much eloquence. Favourite part of your comment was this: “When love is what you are, love is what you do…”
@ Love Story: Thank you, good to have you here.
Nov 27th, 2007
Albert
Heh Andrea, the word “unsexy” put your comment right into the spam section, had to go and rescue it
.
Thank you for all your insight - it’s really given me a lot of think about. This law of Oneness sounds very similar to some of the core teachings of non-duality. Thank you again.
Nov 27th, 2007
Dr. Kirk Laman
As a cardiologist, I must face the question of being compassionate every day. For me (and this is only my response) actions and intentions are critical. Even if I’m not in a loving mood and one of my patient’s heart slows to a dangerous level- if I act in a loving manner (move quickly to it remedy the situation) it makes a difference.
Intention: the desire to help, the desire to stem the tide of disillusionment and lack of joy- I find uplifts my heart. Even if I’m not the perfect human, if I act in a way that is giving this changes “me.”
I agree that the heart needs to be soft, pliable. A soft heart can be of greater help than a heart that is closed, but it takes time to find the soft heart, to loosen the veils of guilt and sadness that make our hearts rigid. For me- I can’t wait to to give even if my heart isn’t perfect.
http://www.DrKirkLaman.com (Blog)
Nov 28th, 2007
Albert
Hi Kirk, thank you for adding your supporting story - I love hearing personal stories from my readers. Very inspiring that even the state of your own heart makes a difference in your actions.
Nov 28th, 2007
Vitor - The Fractal Forest
Albert,
Amazing post, very well written. I have often been in a role of trying to pass on to others what I haven’t mastered myself, but I am growing more and more aware of these situations and am starting to avoid them.
Giving advice to others is very hard, specially when you care about them. I must say I absolutely love the way you tackle this with your writing.
Nov 29th, 2007
Megan
“Yes – a very bold thing to say – but until you have found peace, it is better to keep quiet.”
Does anyone ever stop searching for peace, though? Is peace a destination so much as a mode of traveling? In that case, is it wrong to share where you are on your particular journey with someone else who may benefit?
Your writing took such an extreme position, I couldn’t help but question some of it. I think it’s a broad topic open for vast amounts of personal interpretation. What feels right for you may not work for someone else. After all, no two people’s experiences will ever be exactly the same, and yet there’s learning to be had. We’re here on earth with one another to share and learn; to love and grow.
I get the gist of what you’re saying, but think some things you’ve written pigeon-hole the topic, while other things feel contradictory.
However, I do applaud you for broaching such a delicate topic. Thanks for taking the time to write and share your thoughts.
Nov 29th, 2007
Dr Kirk Laman
I think if we can be conscious of sharing from a kind hearted space, not judging or saying things in a a mean way, in essence being careful not to hurt someone’s heart- then our experiences can be beneficial to people.
If I’m authentic then my human experience can offer value to someones life. It doesn’t mean they have to agree with me or that what I say is completely relevent to them, but hearts are similar. They go through similar gripping, challenging experiences.
So I feel comfortable sharing just as we are now in this writing, as an act of compassionate caring.
http://www.DrKirkLaman.com
Nov 29th, 2007
Albert
@ Vitor: Thank you
I’m finding the same thing too. As I open my mouth to speak, I ask myself if there is any ego in it, and to take it out, if there is. And quite often, I find nothing left to say.
@ Megan: Thanks for the comment. Questioning my writing is good, allows me to find the holes in my logic, I know I have a few somewhere.
Hmm…I’m thinking there’s many different types of peace, or it might be more accurate to say there are many different mountains, each of different heights. The highest peak, I guess, would be perfect peace, which I have not found. Still, I have found a measure of peace within myself, and so I feel comfortable sharing what I’ve learnt, along the way in my emotional mastery series.
But there are lots of people out there who are giving out advice (exercise until you are too tired to think about it, positive thinking, etc etc). How does any of that work, for long? The problem is, I was giving out the same advice (not on the blog, but to my friends). I was recommending positive thinking to my sister. When I was still not a happy person myself, but I thought it worked. Problem is, it does work - but only for a little while. Also, everyone was recommending it and there are lots of books on the topic, so I thought hey it must work for real! But all it did for me, and quite a lot of others, was repress things. It all came bubbling up, even worse, months later. Luckily it was in the early days, and I wasn’t blogging at the time, or I might have hurt some readers by recommending positive thinking. Now, the emotional mastery series, on the other hand, has removed these pains completely. So while I’m not enlightened or anything, I feel comfortable sharing that.
Would love to hear which ones you think are contradictory? Thank you once again for the comments, it really makes me think.
Nov 29th, 2007
Albert
@ Kirk: that is a great way of putting it. I think you’ve explained it better than I can.
@ Megan: Went back to edit my comment for clarification, I pressed the “submit comment” button too quickly in a moment of distraction. If you are reading the email version, the full version has more meat on it
Nov 29th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Sometimes, in giving assistance to others, we are harming them because, in effect, we are telling them that they are too stupid and just not capable of doing it for themselves. That isn’t our intention but it can be the results of doing something for someone that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves if we would mind our own business.
Dec 2nd, 2007
Albert
Good stuff again, Patricia. Agreed. Thanks!
Dec 2nd, 2007
Liara Covert
Thanks for this. You make a lot of sense when you encourage people to consider remaining silent about their deconditioning methods until they complete their own healing. At the same time, kindred souls with the best intentions continue to share their ideas without realizing they still have some of their own healing to do. Perhaps this is another wonderful example of where unconditional love, forgiveness and acceptance can be applied. After all, we all learn together during a process of evolution. To be on this planet implies we still have lessons to learn and a purpose to fulfill.
Dec 11th, 2007
Albert
Thanks Liara, I appreciate it.
Dec 11th, 2007
Sueblimely
I am inclined to agree with you Liara and at some points in my life it was invaluable spending time with those who were going through the same search for answers as myself as, although they had not attained inner peace, they understood.
I wonder, Albert, if inner peace is not often finally achieved because of helping others? Knowledge and understanding on their own may not bring about this state of being, whereas putting it into practice could do.
I also see a distinction between giving advice and counsel and giving practical help. Many many volunteers do the latter and our world could not do without them, whether they have found their own inner peace or not. I think only in an ideal world could we expect this of them.
Jan 16th, 2008
Babyamore (Trish)
I am interested in this article and I agree somewhat with what you say - the blind leading the blind is never ideal. Also, a bit like don’t tell me there is speck in my eye when you have a log in yours.
I am inclined to agree also with what Sue wrote …
“I am inclined to agree with you Liara and at some points in my life it was invaluable spending time with those who were going through the same search for answers as myself as, although they had not attained inner peace, they understood.
I wonder, Albert, if inner peace is not often finally achieved because of helping others? Knowledge and understanding on their own may not bring about this state of being, whereas putting it into practice could do.”
Having suffered the loss of my baby during pregnancy - I could never have found inner peace without speaking to others whose
“understanding comes from having trodden the exact same path, having cried the same tears and shouted in the same joy”.
I didn’t know where to start my journey to inner peace from this grief … a journey I am still on. I made some wonderful friends, we talk heart to heart and walk hand in hand. United in our grief, we journey forwards, sometimes taking a detour, towards an inner peace we can live with.
I also have been able to help others through my own understanding of losing a baby.I am thankful for this circle of compassion. I achieve a sense of peace in helping others every day.
Jan 16th, 2008
Albert
Wow, thanks very much, both of you for your additional insights and for sharing your own experiences. I don’t know what to say…I guess we all have to find our paths and the balance for each of us might be different. Thanks again.
Jan 16th, 2008
Hopeful Spirit
Thanks for participating in this week’s The Seventh Day blog carnival, which is now live at On the Horizon. Your post is a wonderful addition to the Carnival and I am encouraging my readers to check out both this entry and the prior one.
A note for your readers: You can submit one post from each of your blogs per week to the Carnival — on any topic. The post must have been originally published during the prior week. So, for instance, anything you publish between January 19 (yesterday) and next Saturday, January 26, 2008 at 6:00 p.m. Pacific time (note the new deadline) is eligible to be included in next Sunday’s edition of the Carnival (Sunday, January 27, 2008).
I hope you will participate again in the future, Albert!! And I hope to receive some submissions from your readers, as well.
Jan 21st, 2008
CG Walters
Thank you, Albert…a point I have considered often lately.
Just one thing, what if–in the greater scheme–the “student” accepting instruction from the unprepared teacher is actually the one providing spiritual charity to “teacher”–allowing them to work out their issues through practice?
Peace and wonder,
CG
Jan 21st, 2008
Albert
Hmm…I do agree that teaching or helping someone does add to your own growth…
Perhaps the danger lies in that incorrect teachings can very often hurt the student (and sometimes the teacher too). Nobody would want to take driving lessons from someone who has only read a book on driving; an accident will probably kill them both. But if they were to get through it without an accident, both would probably be better drivers for the experience
That’s just what I think, though. What do you think?
Namaste!
Jan 21st, 2008
Albert
Thank you so much for featuring my post, Hopeful Spirit! I appreciate it.
Jan 21st, 2008
SandyCarlson
I found this very helpful. Thanks. (By the way, I am here via Hopeful Spirit.)
Jan 22nd, 2008
Albert
Thank you Sandy! Hopeful Spirit is a wonderful blog, and I’m grateful that they’re sending readers my way too.
Jan 22nd, 2008
Pat
Albert - I’m a first-time visitor to your blog via the Soup to Nuts Blog Carnival at The Gonzo Papers. I like what you say about people parroting what they hear rather than sharing from experiences. I agree. In order to be of service and authentic we need to have an awareness of the place within us we’re sharing from. If it’s not real, it’s better to be quiet - find our peace.
Thank you. I enjoyed your post and subscribing to your feed. You have a good blog with inspirational messages.
Feb 1st, 2008
Albert
Thank you Pat! I’m happy that you are here, and thanks for subscribing!
Feb 1st, 2008
Patti
I’m a first time visitor (and now new subscriber!) and I just want to thank you for giving a sensitive voice this subject.
Years ago, a psychiatrist once suggested that I become “more selfish” - now that may sound harsh to some, but in the context of what I was talking about - basically subjugating myself to others at the expense of my own health and soul, his suggestion was appropriate and I GOT exactly what he meant by it. When I relayed this to a friend though, she was appalled at his suggestion.
During a very critical time in my life - when I was displaced from my home - moving from place to place for several months and was financially destitute, a well-meaning friend kept telling me to help others. And my response to her was always the same - that I was of no use to anyone until my own house was in order - that I would be putting on a false face and hypocritical in word and deed. I knew that to be true for me in my heart of hearts - at that time, I was an emotional wreck. I finally severed the friendship (and I never regretted that decision) because it got to be a daily mantra of hers and it was further wearing down my already deteriorated spirit.
Things are better for me now. Thank you so much for this article.
Feb 3rd, 2008
Albert
Hey Patti, thanks for subscribing, I appreciate it! I was told the same thing by my counsellor when I saw one a while back - I was running myself ragged pleasing other people, and had essentially become a doormat for everyone to walk over. My feelings and opinions meant nothing, not even to myself, and that was something that had to change in order to develop into maturity.
Strangely, when you have taken care of yourself, it is easier to take care of others, and the urge comes more naturally. Thank you for stopping by and for the comment!
Feb 3rd, 2008
Reply to “The life that has gone on before: The Perils of Compassion, Part 2”
Do not waste your time. If you are promoting a product, keyword stuffing, or plain rude, your comment will simply be deleted. Opposing viewpoints are always welcome, but please keep it classy.
DoFollow. Due to all the spammers, comments are now only Dofollow after a secret number of entries.