What compassion and loving kindness is not, Part 5
Children’s bedtime stories are the biggest treasure trove of spiritual wisdom. It is right in front of us, in the bookshops, in the arms of the sleeping children, but we ignore them.
The lessons contained within are priceless; but it is saddening. Sometimes, parents who read these stories to their child, they don’t believe in them either. Just nice little stories, they think, to shield them form the real world for as long as possible.
There is one story from my childhood. It struck me because Osho’s book on Compassion told the essentially the same story:
A long time ago, there lived an old lady. She was of aristocratic blood, rich, and a big fan of the theater. And every night of the long, dreadful winter, she would take a carriage to the theater, where they made a show of the grandest tragic stories ever written. She would sit inside and cry, shed tears of sympathy, for the fake characters and their fake drama.
And all the while, the carriage driver and the horses, would be sitting outside in the cold. Shivering, hiding from the winds as best they could inside the wooden carriage. And after the show was over, the grand old lady would majestically re-enter her carriage. “Back to the mansion!” she would snap haughtily.
Compassion is not a feeling
What then, is compassion? This is one of the distinctions I struggled to understand – compassion is not a feeling!
Compassion springs forth from the heart; it is the heart, the ocean. It is not just a feeling, feelings are merely ripples. They cost nothing, and they mean nothing.
This is something that western psychologists have often gotten wrong; they’ve categorized compassion as a feeling – a mere emotion! No different from anger, from humor, from pride. These are all fleeting, they’re all based on something that passes away in time. He feels angry; his car has broken down for the third time. Her son won the local basketball tournament, her chest swelled with pride.
And is this what compassion is? Just a mere, fleeting, emotion? You see a child who has fallen, scraped her knee, and you feel a surge of pity. Is that all it is? Something that arises and then disappears, never to be seen again? If that is so – was it even there in the first place?
It is easy to read the story of the grand old lady, and shake our heads. But how many of us have not done the exact same thing she has? That childhood story came to mind simply because I have seen it happen in various guises in others, and in myself.
As Osho continued, what do feelings matter, when your house is on fire? A man of feeling will cry and shout while your possessions are burning. A man of compassion will begin moving! He does not waver – it simply has to happen, he simply has to do something. Compassion moves your body - you have no choice in the matter.
Compassion is not just action
And the opposite is just as true. Compassion is not just action. Action on its own can come from many different motivations, and none of them compassionate.
In Finding the Servant Heart – my confessions, my early motivations for giving money to the homeless. I wanted to look good in front of my date, I was afraid they might harass me, I wanted to believe in the law of Karma. And this is exactly what is happening all around the world.
I’ve seen some businessmen give to charity – what for? Reputation in the eyes of the world, marketing for their business, or perhaps some sort of internal quest for redemption. So it stands: Money alone is not a measure of your compassion.
I’ve seen healers, social workers, and counselors. Some are the most beautiful hearts I’ve seen, but others were in it purely for the money. And yet others were burnt out, secretly hating their job. They wear a counterfeit smile, they go through the motions without any heart. So it stands: Actions alone are not a measure of your compassion.
These acts of benevolence were blunt bargains – they were trading skills for money, money for reputation, money for marketing, time for approval – and on and on it goes.
And it makes me wonder – wouldn’t their acts of charity, however grand, be subtly contaminated? Wouldn’t the recipients feel it? Wouldn’t the hungry man at the soup kitchen feel the disguised disdain when he receives the soup, wouldn’t his pride be bleeding even as his stomach is being filled?
Wouldn’t the internal conflict be carried over to whatever they were doing? An angry person, a sad person, they will be angry and sad regardless of where they are. They might find a worthy cause and genuinely strive to make a difference, but their anger goes with them, and finds somewhere to explode. I’ve seen this happen many times, people fighting tooth and nail over petty organizational details – over the best way to arrange the chairs at the charity concert, over the budget, how much on the DJ and how much on the drinks…
Compassion is a state of being
What, then, is kindness? It is a state of mind, a condition of the heart.
Stephen Miracle guided me to a Biblical story I remembered from my youth:
As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins. “I tell you the truth,” he said, “this poor widow has put in more than all the others. All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.”
~ Luke 21:1 - 4 (New International Version)
What was Jesus judging her on? Some might say that he was judging her on the percentage, on the numbers – she had given it her all. But he was judging her on what lies beneath her actions – a heart, a heart big enough to give everything she had.
Charity cannot be assessed simply on the basis of our behaviors. Charity cannot be assessed on the number of zeros on the cheque we have written.
The confusion here has arisen, simply because the carrot and the horse have been put the wrong way round. Generosity – the giving of one’s all – arises first, from a soft heart. Aid, warmth, a meaningful contribution to the world – they come after you create that state of being within.
In fact, when you become loving to yourself, when you accept and heal your own wounds – an authentic way of being arises, and then it is impossible for your actions not to be infused with warmth and kindness.
Compassion does not discriminate
A couple weeks ago, a reader sent me a precious gift – The Book of Mirdad. The most striking quote from it:
“You have no friends so long as you can count a single man as foe. The heart that harbors enmity, how can it be a safe abode for friendship?”
When compassion is a state of mind, how can it discriminate? How can there be conditions upon a state of being? An angry man is angry at everything. A happy man is happy no matter where he is. How can it be from the heart, if you only show it to one person and not another?
Another quote from the same book:
“And whom, or what, is one to love? Is one to choose a certain leaf upon the Tree of Life, and pour upon it all one’s heart? What of the branch that bears the leaf? What of the stem that holds the branch? What of the of the bark that shields the stem? What of the roots that feed the bark, the stem, the branches and the leaves? What of the soil embosoming the roots? What of the sun, and sea, and air that fertilize the soil?”
The tendency to choose is natural – look at the leaves on a tree. Some are healthy; some are sick. Some are beautiful; others are ugly. How can we help but pick and choose?
And Mirdad’s answer is equally beautiful – be aware, he says, that we are the Tree of Life.
We are all part of one gigantic whole, leaves on the same tree. This basic understanding is at the root of so many of the ancient traditions. It is a fundamental delusion of our ego – the false self – to see ourselves as a fragment. The ego makes us a leaf, but one that is so far from our roots that we no longer see our connectedness.
One last quote, then. By none other than Albert Einstein:
“A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from the prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
When we find true Compassion, you will find it naturally – there is no picking and choosing. When Compassion becomes a way of being, a state of the mind, a condition of the heart – you will simply pour it on everyone. An angry woman takes it out on you because you just happened to be there. It’s not personal; if you weren’t there she would have picked someone else to shout at. It is the same with Compassion – it doesn’t discriminate. It just flows on and on until it finds someone.
Link Love
There are three more bloggers I’d like to pass out some link love to:
First up is Alex Blackwell, of The Next 45 Years. Him and his wife, Mary Beth, provide a personal development blog, but with a fantastic twist – they provide genuine and heartfelt material on marriage, family, and relationships, in addition to all the other wonderful stuff. A recent post I liked was: 10 things to do or say everyday.
Next up is Neil Sattin, of Getting to the Heart of Personal Development. Personal Development with Heart, as you can guess. He provides material also on Fatherhood, Relationships, and even Dog Training! A recent post I liked was How to get organised and not overwhelmed.
Last but not least is Marcel Legros…who looks like one of my favourite childhood heroes, Highlander! Awesome guy too, you’ll love his sense of humor. Play the Game of Life is the name of his blog, and it reflects his philosophy of life, as does the light hearted and yet meaningful material he provides. A perfect example is: Can watching Star Trek make you happy and successful?
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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34 Comments, Comment or Ping
Andre Hess|Empowered Soul
As always, this is a wonderful article, Albert. I believe you’re right that compassion is a state of being that does not discriminate. Compassion is felt when we recognize another person’s story as our own story - because we are One. In the story about the lady and her carriage driver, compassion applies to both. We are both the rich lady AND the carriage driver. We are capable of being negligent of the needs of others, and we are capable of being neglected. They represent the pieces of us that are capable of the same action, the same victimization. When we can look at someone else and say “There I go, that’s a piece of me,” then compassion is inevitable.
Thank you again! These articles open my own heart!
Blessings,
Andrea
Dec 9th, 2007
Joel
Great article about a subject that is not discussed in open court. I encourage you to study the Buddhist Metta, which is a blueprint for loving-kindness; the ahamkara -”I do” -in other words (as a side note, I love buddhism. It has a clear definition of the psyche than western psychology).
Additionally, I encourage you to discover Leo Buscaglia who wrote and lectured several books on love.
Dec 9th, 2007
Albert
@ Andrea: Hey Andrea, I appreciate the compliments, I respect your insight and it means a lot. Thanks for adding value once again.
@ Joel: Thanks mate! This series was in fact the product of my explorations on Metta, filtered thru my personal experience. Funny you should mention western psychology, as almost all my current reading material is based on the talks between Buddhist teachers and Western psychologists, fascinating material! It’s sort of where I’m heading, as I’m a big fan of Buddhism, and also a psychology student.
I will check out Leo right now, never heard of him.
Dec 9th, 2007
Matthew | www.loving-awareness.org
To me, compassion is simply a perception of non-duality. There is no “other” when seeing suffering, or joy, or sadness, or excitement. Because of this, any action that comes from this perception comes naturally. Helping another comes from the same place as helping yourself. There is thus no resistance and no obstacle to overcome.
Loving Awareness - A Journey to Wholeness
Dec 9th, 2007
Liara Covert
Your article draws attention to ideas that uplift the soul and enable readers to re-evaluate their choices of specific thoughts and behavior. For instance, the basic idea of compassion as not only a state of being, but also as unconditional and non-discriminatory. As people express reactive feelings, these are not always natural, but rather, result from conditioning that separates people based on inconsistent judgment. To discern the triggers that generate our own particular emotions can teach us a lot about ourselves. Discovering why we may judge or withold compassion can also help us to rise above these tendencies and grow spiritually.
Dec 9th, 2007
Zarah
I just wanted to say that your article is as perfect as the others you´ve written. Always interesting and always to the point, thank you.
Dec 9th, 2007
Albert
@ Matthew: Yes, I agree completely. I was thinking about writing in a bit about that, but I hesitated to write about non-duality simply because I haven’t tasted it myself.
@ Liara: Thank you Liara, I really enjoy having you here.
@ Zarah: Thank you as well, that’s very high praise, I appreciate it!
Dec 9th, 2007
Gamy Rachel
Yes, Albert, compassion starts from the heart. Anything that is done from the heart will also have a lasting effect then just doing for the sake of doing.
Be Blessed
Gamy
Dec 9th, 2007
Ellen
Hi Albert,
I’ve been doubting for a while to post this comment, because it might be interpreted negative, which is not my intention, and really not something that would fit your inspiring blog..
First of all, I really find your posts beautiful and inspiring to personal growth, to finding and developing that state of compassion for yourself. As I do think, compassion is something you can (and should) practise and develop. Or maybe I should say, it is to me…
I’ve stumbled (and tried to digg it, but there seem to be some problems there?) this one in particular, it is really valuable to me!
Some of the things in your article have really left me wondering though..
For me, compassion is something I strive for, and not something I would want to ‘judge’ others on. Not the business man who donates to charity, for I do not know his motives. And, for as far as I can see, he’s doing all he can (within the possibilities he sees for himself). Does that mean he’s not compassionate, or not giving from the heart?
I don’t know.. To me, I’d like to see him as someone who’s doing, at this point in his life (development) all he can.
Dec 9th, 2007
Albert
@ Gamy: Thank you!
@ Ellen: Please don’t hesitate to put any kind of feedback, I don’t mind any type of feedback at all
Re: your question, I’m not saying all businessmen who give to charity are doing it for the marketing, or whatever, but some of them blatantly are.
In my draft for this post, I had a story from my past, someone I knew - he told me straight out he went to a charity auction, paid 800 dollars for a vase he didn’t want, simply because there were people at the auction he wanted to impress. I took it out because I wasn’t sure if it would add much to the post. Of course, there will be businessmen who do the best they can.
Dec 9th, 2007
Albert
Hmm apparently my site has been banned from Digg, even though I haven’t used Digg at all! Anyone have any clues?
Dec 9th, 2007
Kai
Thanks for the article. It’s rather inspiring and gives much food for thought but there’s something about this particular series that seems to cause a momentary disturbance within me.
Perhaps I’ve missed the point and am just being pendantic. I can easily understand what’s the main motivation behind these posts but….
There was the constant feeling of getting caught up in perfection with the idea of removing the contamination behind the compassion. This might be a significant factor - but it conflicts with my concept that lots of actions are conditional, are they therefore contaminated?
Thanks once again for the article!
Dec 9th, 2007
Albert
Hey Kai, you’re welcome, glad you liked it
This hurts to say, but I do believe that a lot of actions are pretty conditional. We are still firmly mired in ego, and therefore all of our actions are pretty egotistical. It might be 1% or it might be 99%, it differs. We can make a firm decision and be extremely alert, to reduce the impact of the ego on our actions, though.
These posts just sort of point out some of the ones I’ve come across, some of the ways our actions can be contaminated. I’m sure there are more.
The good news is, once we are aware of these possible taints, there is a good chance they won’t be tainted, and therefore be as close to true compassion as possible.
Thanks for raising a fantastic point.
Dec 9th, 2007
Chris - soupornuts.com
Hi Albert,
Likel you, I feel that compassion is neither an emotion or an unfeeling action. To me, compassion is the action that results from a motivating emotion. They must both be present and are intimately intertwined.
My thoughts are that true compassion results in action that attempts to alleviate, modify or minimize a condition that has affected another externally and you internally.
Great article.
Dec 10th, 2007
Daylle Deanna Schwartz
Hi Albert,
What a wonderful article! I believe that having TRUE compassion is key to being happy. You’re so right that there’s a BIG difference between people giving to make themselves look good or out of obligation, and giving because you have compassion for those who need what you give. The former doesn’t bring back good karma. It’s often given to absolve guilt for not giving of the heart or to atone for negative behavior. Giving from the heart nourishes the Law of Attraction. When I first read what the Dalai Lama wrote about compassion, my life changed dramatically. I learned to replace anger with compassion for the people who did me wrong. I understand they must be in pain if they do hurtful things, so I prefer to have compassion for their unhappy feelings, instead of feeling rage toward them. My anger dissipates quickly when I stoke my compassion.
In my book for men about how to please a woman, I tell men that if they want to get along better with women, they should develop more awareness of why we act insecure or need so much reassurance, and have compassion for those reasons. That helps men find ways to connect on better levels and not get angry or frustrated by those “Do I look fat?”questions or the demands for attention.
Compassion develops through awareness and true caring for our fellow man. Developing it is a great act of love for yourself, because it keeps you calmer and attracts all sorts of goodies. : )
Blessings,
Daylle
http://www.lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat.com/
Dec 10th, 2007
Barbara
Albert,
As I read this series on compassion, it is inevitable that it takes me to my own actions, reactions, a search for compassion within. A week or so ago you recommended I read a particular post you had written regarding emotional mastery. Finding your core shame and pains - Deepening emotional mastery. I remember reading it in September, I now think I wasn’t ready then to hear what it was saying.
I tried just a bit of the work, emotional recognition and clearing, you describe in that article. And my biggest realization was that in order for me to do any of it with any effectiveness there had to be some compassion. Mostly for myself, but for another, too.
If what I had been suffering from or with was because of a hurtful word or action, it was imperative I see that the intent of the other person was as a result of their own hurt. For they could not attempt with hurtful words to affect me, if the words did not have a very personal origin for them.
I guess the more I read, the simpler all the concepts become. They are all of a big picture nature. We all have suffered from the same core hurts, just in a myriad of ways. It does not then diminish anyone’s hurts, only makes it easier and easier to truly understand. It seems that is what my road to compassion looks like.
Barbara
Dec 10th, 2007
Albert
@ Daylle: Thanks for stopping by! The Buddhists say, with so much common sense and yet none of us ever realise it, that you can’t love and hate / fear / be angry at something at the same time. So cultivating love is the one way to find happiness. Thank you for your detailed message.
@ Barbara: Very nice insight - compassion for yourself allows you to deal with all the pains inside you. Compassion for others makes you realise that none of it is every personal, like you said. Brilliant!
Dec 10th, 2007
H
Cool article, not bad. Its definitely a key part of happiness.
Dec 10th, 2007
Happiness
Again, a cool piece. Its a necessary part of happiness, without question.
Dec 10th, 2007
Albert
Thank you H and Happiness.
Dec 10th, 2007
Albert
Hey Chris - sorry I just checked the spam and your comment had gone into it by mistake, thank you for your comment!
Dec 11th, 2007
Modern Worker
“there is no picking and choosing”
How true this rings! “Unconditional” is the word that comes to mind here.
Fantastic insight in this post you’ve crafted, Albert.
Dec 11th, 2007
Jason
Albert, you write in a way that cuts through all of the mystical confusion people always seem to add to this sort of subject in order to make you feel like you need their expertise, their secret knowledge, in order to understand or utilize it.
I must say that you have made me reconsider some of my past actions, going from thinking I was helping to understanding that I was serving my own needs (to fix things), and not the needs of the person I was trying to help.
I also wanted to second the comment about compassion enabling you to understand that the harmful actions of others are caused by their own pain they have suffered. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to simply understand their pain and not let their actions do harm to you.
Dec 11th, 2007
Albert
Thank you Modern Worker!
Jason, thank you very much. I enjoy your writing and I think it cuts through all the standard BS as well, so it’s great to hear that you feel this way about my writing.
Dec 11th, 2007
Malathy Badri
Hmm.. this new angle on compassion throws different perspective. I will have to ponder on it when I FEEL compassion again. (Smile)
Dec 11th, 2007
Albert
hehe thank you Malathy!
Dec 11th, 2007
allie
Believe it or not, I’ve witnessed a lot of LACK of compassion in my life. I am a nurse, and there are a lot of jaded health care providers out there that roll their eyes behind patient’s backs.
And what about those people who continue to sit on a bus when an old or handicapped person continue standing?
I wish it could all be peachy keen, but as a race, human beings have a long way to go.
allie
http://www.smellstickers.com
Dec 12th, 2007
Albert
Hey Allie, thanks for pointing that out. I didn’t dare to write much about people who are in caring positions who don’t actually care, so thank you for the authenticity. Finding compassion is vitally important, I agree. Thanks again.
Dec 12th, 2007
Yvonne
Hello Albert
I have only recently come across your blog and I really like your writing, in particular the way you are wondering and asking questions - something I also find myself doing a lot these days.
In particular I would like to respond to this paragraph of yours:
“And it makes me wonder – wouldn’t their acts of charity, however grand, be subtly contaminated? Wouldn’t the recipients feel it? Wouldn’t the hungry man at the soup kitchen feel the disguised disdain when he receives the soup, wouldn’t his pride be bleeding even as his stomach is being filled?”
My observations of this mainly relate to children rather than recipients of charity, and I think children are wonderful in how they expose all that we would love to keep secret for fear of not being accepted. One day recently I was with a friend in a public setting when her child began ‘playing up’. As she quietly tried to get him to stop doing what he was doing there was something in her tone that I recognised as inauthentic - I recognised it because I had so often been in the same situation myself. My friend’s son kept doing what he was doing until she eventually told him her true feelings - that she felt angry and exasperated.
I have noticed the same reaction in my own children - if I use ‘niceness’ to try and manipulate them into behaving how I want they seem to push and push. Perhaps this applies with everyone, and children, less practiced at hiding their feelings, show it more.
These observations aren’t meant to be an answer to the questions you pose – just more ponderings really. I also notice that when I think I ‘have’ to do something I feel a resistance to doing it: I can’t count the number of times I’ve done ‘The Work’ on something I think I should do but don’t want to do, and afterwards the task suddenly seems appealing after all. So perhaps if we think we ‘should’ be compassionate it makes it harder to be so.
Yvonne
Dec 12th, 2007
Lucid
Good Morning Albert! What a wonderful thought provoking post!
In reading your thoughts, and the thoughts of your commenters, I agree with just about everyone!!! Compassion is not easily defined or found for that matter! I would like to add a lil note from my own belief.
Not only do I feel that compassion is an act of kindness from the heart, an unconditional, non judgmental, motion of basic humanity, I believe the spirit recognizes certain opportunities to shine. When real compassion takes place, the purity and love of the soul takes over.
There is definitely a difference in just an act of kindness and an act of compassion. Example:
Your neighbor is ill and can not cook or clean.
Kindness: You were asked by the community to make a plate for Wednesday’s dinner. You do so. You drop it off because you are a kind person, and would like to help. You have done a good deed.
Compassion: You cook the dinner you were asked to make, you stay and chit chat while she eats, and then ask if she wants you to help clean after. You went past the call of kindness duty, and now your spirit was fed, and you are shining.
There is just something about compassion that refuels our soul!!! Thanks again for the great post!!!
Dec 12th, 2007
Albert
@ Yvonne: Thank you for the personal stories! As you can probably tell, I love hearing them especially from the readers. Yes it makes you think, doesn’t it? If children can feel it - on a subtle level, I do believe everyone can too, just that they are not as sensitive as kids.
And resistance really hits the spot. As I’ve mentioned throughout this series, I believe that compassion should really come of its own accord. It happens once we begin to heal our own wounds, move out of suffering, raise our consciousness, whatever you want to call it. Thank you for stopping by.
@ Lucid: Woo! Good to have you here! That’s a beautiful quote - that purity and love of the soul takes over. I do believe that compassion and love comes from beyond us, that we are just the puppet being played by divine strings.
That is a brilliant example regarding compassion vs. kindness too. Thank you for that.
Dec 13th, 2007
Neil Sattin
Hey Albert,
I’m honored to have been included at the tail end of such a well-written post.
When I’m in my “right mind”, I often feel that kind of universal love/compassion that you mention towards the end. The times that I’m not, it’s the pangs of judgement (my own judgements) that clue me in to the fact that I’ve…slipped. So I try to just slip right back to where I want to be.
Thanks for the link love, bro.
-Neil
Dec 16th, 2007
Albert
Hey Neil, thanks for the additional insight. I love hearing personal stories, they really click for me. Take it easy man!
Dec 16th, 2007
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