The Art of Giving What You Don’t Have
What if we were to discover something very strange – what if we discovered that all our giving, our kindness and charity, had come from a place of lack and misunderstanding?
The time of giving and love is upon us, and it’s natural for the world to be buzzing about the beauty of giving. But this post is a little different. It’s about giving, yes, but not just the common misunderstanding.
What do I mean? For many, Christmas is about stress, fatigue, finding the right presents, endless parties and functions. For others, Christmas is loneliness, made worse by the fact that others are celebrating.
And many people yell back – “This is not the true spirit of Christmas! Christmas is about giving, about love!”
And what is the true spirit of giving? I was humbled to find out that even my definition of giving was wrong.
The true spirit of giving
A few weeks ago, a reader sent me an old essay by a Christian monk named Nicolae Steinhardt. I read it and enjoyed it very much at that time, but the full impact only hit me when I sat down to write about it.
I cannot explain it any better than he can; all I can do is rewrite it with a modern eye.
I was not foolish and unknowing enough to believe that Christ asks us to give from our surplus… I was however unskilled and lost in the darkness enough to think - what seems entirely in accord with Christian teaching - that we are asked to give from the little we have, if not even from the very little.
This hit me square in the face. We all know that giving from our surplus, giving a fraction of what we have, is not a sign of a big heart. But the common interpretation is – give all we have, that is true compassion!
And I had fallen into the exact trap he had, I had even referred to the same parable he did – a widow who had given her last copper coins to the church treasury. Wasn’t she displaying true compassion, I thought, giving everything she had?
“How blind, unwise, and of a narrow mind I was,” said Nicolae in his essay. “How could He have called us to actions so simple, so of this world, that is, so possible!”
Giving our entirety is not enough – it is too simple. We are asked something entirely different: to give what we do not have.
The man who did not have
Nicolae tells a story of a man who sought entry into a monastery, although he didn’t feel qualified. The man approached the abbot, and confessed:
Know, Father, that I have neither faith nor light, nor essence, nor courage, nor trust in myself, and I cannot be of any help to myself, much less to any others; I have nothing.
“How could such a man be accepted into a monastery?” one might think.
But the abbot replies, “What does that have to do with anything? You have no faith, have no light; giving them to others you will have them, too. Searching them for another, you will gain them for yourself. Your brother, your neighbor and fellow man, him you are duty bound to help with what you do not have.”
And with that, he accepts the man into the monastery. “Go, your cell is on this hallway, third door on the right.”
The thoughts of this man are echoed in the minds of many men and women around the world. I have neither faith, nor essence, nor courage. I cannot be of any help to myself. How do we develop these things?
How, indeed? The abbot’s answer: Giving another that which you do not have - faith, love, confidence, hope - you will acquire them as well.
The economy of the heart
The economy of the external world, the exchanging of money and material goods, is simple. Give, and hope to get something back. Simple mathematics – your wallet gets lighter as you give.
But the economy of our heart is different, it is the direct opposite. The more you give, the more you have!
This cannot be doubted; you must have experienced it for yourself. The smallest example is enough: when you play with a small child, and you laugh, and you give, and you kiss – you must have felt the love within grow stronger.
There is an excerpt from Publisher’s Weekly:
In May 2001, in a laboratory at the University of Wisconsin, a Tibetan Buddhist monk donned a cap studded with hundreds of sensors that were connected to a state-of-the-art EEG, a brain-scanning device capable of recording changes in his brain with speed and precision. When the monk began meditating in a way that was designed to generate compassion, the sensors registered a dramatic shift to a state of great joy. “The very act of concern for others’ well-being, it seems, creates a greater state of well-being within oneself,” writes bestselling author Goleman (Emotional Intelligence) in his extraordinary new work.
The state of abundance
And what of the external world? Anyone who has been in the world of personal development will have heard of all the metaphysical laws that have gained popularity recently.
I just said that your wallet gets lighter as you give. On the physical level, that cannot be disputed. But what if there is more? This is something I’ve always hesitated to write on, as I can never find solid proof of this – it is just book knowledge.
The classic success literatures, Think and Grow Rich
The state of lack
What you think about will determine your reality. I can’t speak for material riches, but I can speak of the opposite. If your thoughts are always on lack – of respect, love, money, whatever it is – then it will always be a part of who you are.
Believing that your needs are not met, believing that you don’t have something – that thought will sabotage everything, even if opportunity comes knocking.
When I was younger, I was extremely shy. I didn’t think that I deserved love, respect, or even a quality girlfriend. And because of that, whenever a girl would confess their feelings for me, I would sabotage the budding relationship unknowingly in one way or the other. Immediately my thoughts would jump to: Maybe she wants to use me. Maybe she is just lonely. Maybe this, maybe that.
And this carried over to money and business. I had lost many lucrative contracts and offers because of the way I thought.
Eckhart Tolle put it succinctly in A New Earth
How do I give what I lack?
Steinhardt’s essay continues:
Let him not worry, not fear, not be anxious, the monk who feels his inner-self deserted, haunted by lack of belief and weakness, full of darkness and aridness; let him not mind these in the least.
Don’t fear your lack. Acknowledge it, yes. This is not asking you to pretend, this is not asking you to act as if you were cold in the middle of a burning summer. The problem lies when we sit down and we despair, when we think it is a permanent condition.
Give out whatever you think people are withholding from you. And soon after you start giving, you will start receiving.
This can be hard, Tolle acknowledges. So simply acknowledge the abundance that is already in your life. See the fullness of life all around you. Be grateful for it. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the magnificent display of flowers. The rain drenching you from the skies. Nature is abundant, we just have to open our eyes to see it.
Build your inner mind in this fashion, and let your life change to match.
Let the weak, thus, say: give me, Lord, when I am lost and naked, strength and impudence to be able to give from what I do not have.
Link Love
Lyman Reed runs Creating a Better Life. What I love about this blog is the honesty and the writing style. In his latest post, 6 Components of the Certain Way to Getting Rich, he discusses the same abundance principles we discussed in this post.
Next up, are Puran and Susanna Bair. They publish a meditation book, named Energize your Heart, and a similarly named blog. It’s got lots of free material in there, and I’m working my way through the review copy of the book they sent me. A scientific approach to what is often a spiritual topic, it looks great so far.
Lastly is Swami Tarakananda, from the Hindu blog The Atma Jyoti Blog. Lots of insightful commentaries, not only on enlightenment and yoga, but on the other religions, as well! A recent example would be The Imperishable Thinker.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS.(What does Subscribing / RSS mean?)
71 Comments, Comment or Ping
Peter
For the curious, the full text of the essay by Steinhardt
Giving you shall receive
Dec 16th, 2007
Albert
Oops that’s right forgot to put that in. Thanks for pointing me to it, Peter, it was really awesome.
Dec 16th, 2007
Lyman from Creating a Better Life
Wow… beautiful, thoughtful article, Albert. Thank you - not just for the link love, but for deepening my own understanding of the possibilities of giving.
And thanks to Peter for the link to the Steinhardt essay!
Dec 16th, 2007
Albert
Hey Lyman, I didn’t do much, just sorta rewrote the original article. It’s a good one yea. Thanks for stopping by
Dec 16th, 2007
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul
Great article, Albert! I think the great myth that you address here is that there is something “we don’t have.” We have everything, if only we allow ourselves to be so abundant. So when we give what we don’t have, we recognize that we DO have, abundantly.
The other illusion is, of course, that we are separate from each other. Giving to another is no different from giving to ourselves, because we are One. (Why is it that I’m always commenting on the Law of Oneness on your blog?)
Blessings,
Andrea
Dec 17th, 2007
Alex Blackwell
Great post Albert. You are correct, we do create what we think about. This is a very powerful point, because if we don’t like what we are receiving, we can change our reality by thinking different, more productive thoughts.
Dec 17th, 2007
Albert
@ Andrea: That’s a good way of putting it! I dunno, maybe because I love the law of oneness too! hehe!
@ Alex: Yes this is a very powerful thing to do, isn’t it? Another way I’ve found is to let go of limiting beliefs, and then naturally our thoughts will be more abundant.
Dec 17th, 2007
ChangePerPost
Thanks for this beautiful and inspiring post - you’ve been CPP’d!
Dec 17th, 2007
ReddyK - The Atma Jyoti Blog
Friend Albert,
Thank you kindly for the link-love. Readers should know that the writings on the Atma Jyoti Blog are predominantly by the knowledgeable and prolific author, Swami Nirmalananda Giri, and that Swami T. just manages the blog.
About your post, I confess to some perplexity as I began to read about giving what one does not have – a seeming impossibility. But as I read, light began to dawn.
Many people make the mistake of complaining about how people treat them, and stew in their juices with resentment or misunderstanding. But the law of sowing and reaping must play out – we reap what we have sown in the past, and we reap what we are continually sowing now. So the way out of the cycle is to be skillful in our sowing. If we want people to act with love and respect toward us, we must first sow love and respect toward them. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
This is not a new concept to any of us, but is one which we don’t take to heart. So we learn to give, to be kind, to be compassionate, even when we think someone is undeserving. And we can be extremely surprised at the results.
One person I know was kind to a real grouch…one might even say an s.o.b… because he thought that the person must be really miserable inside to have such a miserable exterior. To his amazement this had a transforming effect on the grouch, and he began to loosen up and become human(ish). But even if the effect on the grouch had not been immediate, my friend had laid up for himself some reciprocal kindness somewhere down the road.
Sorry for the ramble. Best of luck!
Dec 17th, 2007
Albert
@ CPP: Thanks for that!
@ Reddy: Thanks for clearing that up. I was a bit confused myself. As per the post, it seems to apply to intangibles like love (as you said) and also things like money, which I tried to de-emphasise because it couldn’t really be proven. With things like love and kindness, though, it’s easy to see.
Dec 17th, 2007
Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk
Great topic. That’s what the Dalai Lama meant when he says, “If you want to be happy, be compassionate.” Your added details help a lot. Thanks.
Dec 17th, 2007
Mike S
Albert,
Yes! Of course, Christ asks that we give from our own surplus since we have everything we need and always will. In your Being is all you need available.Therefore, in BELIEVING this as a fact we cannot possibly experience SACRIFICE.
Sadly, however, once we give in any way and experience even the slightest sense of sacrifice or loss, we assert that we believe we are “lacking” in some way, we are deficient, we are “little”, etc, etc. When we give from a place where there is no differentiation between having and giving we then experience Being.
I like where you seem to be going with your writings and your statement “your inner world reflects the outer” seems to demonstrate your deeper searching. I would take your statement a little farther in restating it as your inner world IS your outer world as your outer world is IN your mind.
I know that’s a bit radical and it certainly cannot be proven, however, if you put it to the test you might be in for a surprise.(I believe LOA, Course in Miracles, Abraham-Hicks, Eckhart Tolle, Sri Ramana, Science of Mind, “Unlock Reality” etc, are all saying the same thing).
Therefore, as Tolle claimed, what you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the the world - because you are your world!!! and what you reap you must sow or what goes around comes around, etc, etc. It’s all YOU and KNOWING this is referred to by many spiritual masters as “enlightenment.” (Jesus referred to it as revelation or a “revealing” of the truth)
Keep up the great work!
Mike S
Dec 17th, 2007
Barbara
Albert,
The most predominant thing I noticed as I read this article and the subsequent comments so far was all the “dawning” that was occurring, including of course my own.
It seems as it is your own that prompted you to write this for the rest of us.
Barbara
Dec 17th, 2007
The Artist
Beautifully expressed.
Dec 17th, 2007
Miracle
Great thoughts Albert. It is easy to give from our surplus, and even everything that we have. But it is giving from where we lack is hard. The woman from the parable was so faithful because she gave from what she didn’t have. I don’t have a lot of focus so it would be much harder to give what little focus I have to someone else.
Excellent.. even more as I think about it.
Dec 17th, 2007
Evan Hadkins
Hi Albert,
Our interior doesn’t determine the exterior world any more (or less) than the exterior determines our interior world. The relationship is decidedly dynamic.
I understand and utterly agree with the point of the post. One quibble: it could be regarded as bad news by those struggling with depression (as several friends of mine are): just about any care for others they do falls into this category, and they remain depressed. This isn’t to take away from the point of the post - only to point out that it isn’t the whole story.
Dec 17th, 2007
Barbara
Evan,
This may be a bit presumptious of me seeing as how you are the professional but I am one who has struggled with lifelong depression, so we are intimately acquainted. I speak to you from that place about this article.
My immediate recognition of the lack of ability to give was inevitable. Depression seems to push the depressed to try that over and over, give to receive, as a resource. Trying to do good to generate good. Until they can do no more, for others or themselves. However, three or so weeks ago Albert wrote about the perils of compassion. It was an important first step. This post took that idea to new heights.
I started an internal search there, with my ability to display compassion in quantity and quality, recognizing that I may do someone harm in offering my help if I was coming from a place that I did not have my own healing complete. And as a depressed person might do, I resigned. Saying to myself, I really don’t want to harm another. Let me get myself in a better place first. Let me make sure.
Today, as I read, the realization that I have experienced depression for the better part of my life is what helped me see anew. What if depression is going to be something I experience for the rest of my life? Does that mean I am not here to contribute? Aren’t we all here to contribute? Maybe the depression is the key, the catalyst or simply a place of common ground.
I think admitting that I have nothing to offer, as the man who wanted to be a monk, is what creates a turn of the corner. At least it did for me. And it took away my anxiety (or at least some of it) that what I was offering as help could be that and not harmful or taking more from myself that I may perceive as not being available.
Barbara
Dec 17th, 2007
Albert
Hey everybody, thank you for the comments!
I don’t know much about the financial part of things, so I’m avoiding that, I’m talking about the internal qualities of love and compassion here.
Barbara raised a good point - it got me thinking as well. Does this article clash with the Perils of Compassion? Where I said it’s probably not a good idea to give advice until you’ve been thru the journey yourself?
I think, perhaps, we have to distinguish between the methods of giving compassion. When you give love, it doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of advice, or money or physical help or whatever.
Giving love could simply be a matter of - as the tibetan monk in the lab showed - thinking about it. Or playing with kids - you’re not telling them how to live life or anything, you simply want them to be happy.
Hmm..hope that makes sense. I’m half asleep and swamped with deadlines, heh heh.
Dec 17th, 2007
Chris Marshall | Martial Development
I meant to ask the same question; how does this square with the well-known parable “first remove the beam from your own eye; then you shall see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”? But you have already answered it.
Dec 17th, 2007
Albert
Heh, it confused me as well. I saw the truth in both teachings, and I was “man I just contradicted myself”… and then I realised no wait, not really.
Dec 17th, 2007
Miracle
Albert, looks like an opportunity for a synthesis post..
Dec 18th, 2007
Albert
Hah, sounds good mate, I’ll drop you an email now.
Dec 18th, 2007
Shaun
Wow, that was beautiful and true. I’ll certainly be reading more.
Dec 18th, 2007
Cyrano
Great post. Love it, dude. Rings very true too.
Dec 18th, 2007
Albert
Thank you Shaun and Cyrano.
Dec 18th, 2007
Asatar
What a beautiful post! I feel you are absolutely right about giving what you don’t have.
In the spirit of giving, here is a link to a free eBook by Puran and Susanna Bair, authors of Energize Your Heart. Here’s a link to a brief meditation that provides an introduction to Heart Rhythm Meditation.
Toward the One,
Asatar
Dec 18th, 2007
Albert
Thank you Asatar for the resources, I’m sure the readers will benefit from it.
Dec 18th, 2007
Liara Covert
I am especially taken by the idea that each of us is “duty bound to help with what you do not have.” This reminds me that everything we need is inside ourselves. We simply need to learn to remember what we forgot: that is, we have every reason to believe in ourselves and our potential. We can all express unconditional love and re-discover the power of positive energy and light.
Dec 18th, 2007
Albert
Thank you Liara, yes this essay by Nicolae really is a stunning one, is it not? Cheers!
Dec 18th, 2007
Jeremy Neal
Albert,
I’m very impressed with your site and writing! I look forward to reading and learning more!
Take care!
Jeremy Neal
Dec 19th, 2007
Seeker
Albert, I just read your guest article on Donald’s site and now this. Both of them are beautifully written. You’re absolutely right about the state of abundance and state of lack. When we give what we don’t have, the world becomes a happier place.
——————————————————-
My Positivity Blog http://positivityhub.com/
Dec 19th, 2007
Albert
@ Jeremy: Good to have you here, thank you for your kind praise!
@ Seeker: Thanks, hope I didn’t shock you too much (I try to tone down the spirituality part when I guest post, heh!)
Dec 19th, 2007
Craig Harper
My favourite on the art of giving:
(Matthew 6:1) Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
Dec 19th, 2007
isabella mori
what a beautiful post! it reminds me of two things that are often said in recovery circles: “you can’t keep what you don’t give away”, and “it is weakness that binds us, not strength.”
Dec 19th, 2007
Tina Su - Think Simple Now
Wow, beautiful and powerful post Albert!
I’ve always been a fan of giving that which I seek. But giving without expecting to receive. I’ve been practicing this principle in many areas of my life.
You mentioned in the comments about money. I’ve put this into practice for my finances.. and as I give consistently, more money making opportunities are showing up at the door. I’ve incorporated this to my budgeting: 5% of everything I make goes to charity.
Similarly, it’s worked magic in relationships with people. And as weird as it might sound, for blog promotion.
Dec 19th, 2007
Albert
@ Craig: Thanks for that quote. Very powerful one - most of our charity is motivated by things like prestige and so on, it’s true.
@ Isabella: Great quotes as well! You can’t keep what you don’t give away, how true.
@ Tina: Thanks Tina, good to see you again! That’s the thing about these metaphysical laws isn’t it? You never know why things happen, so I don’t write about them much - but it’s awesome that you’re providing evidence for it. Thanks!
Dec 19th, 2007
Cheap HDTV
You made it true. Yes I believe you made our hearts true to find out the real meaning of Christmas.
Good job. Keep it up.
I wish you a Happy Marry Christmas.
Dec 19th, 2007
Evan Hadkins
Hi Barbara,
Just to clarify. I am no professional.
If I was (and I think professionalism is part of the problem not part of the solution) I would ensure that what I said came from my own experience or from the experience of those I know. The theoretical foundation has its place but it is modified by our experience rather than the reverse.
I like the spirit of this piece, when we are centred we can invite others into an ‘empty’ though welcoming space. I think professionalism is the opposite of this spirit - having to do with mastery and such.
Sorry for the rant but it is a very important issue to me.
I trust that you are finding that depression can be your friend.
Many thanks and as much love as I can send through this medium.
Evan
Dec 20th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Albert, one thing that I have learned is that we often teach that which we ourselves need the most to learn. Thanks for sharing this wonderful article.
Dec 29th, 2007
Albert
That’s definitely true Patricia - all these emails came at exactly the right time. I do find myself withholding from others once in a while, from fear of lack - the thought that the success of others somehow takes something away from me. This lesson really helped me curb such selfish tendencies.
Dec 29th, 2007
Shirley
Great article Albert. My favorite line was: “Give out whatever you think people are withholding from you. And soon after you start giving, you will start receiving.”
I have experienced that this is true. For instance, sometimes I feel unloved and unappreciated by my parents. However, when I do something special for them, even just writing down how they’ve influenced my life or special thoughts I have, I find the flood gates open and their love pours out.
I’ve only been blogging for 5 months, but it has been long enough to see that whenever I need an answer, or feel stupid, unwanted or lonely, I can write about what advice I’d give to someone else with that problem, and find the answer to my own situation. It works so well, I’m almost using it as self-therapy. :0)
It’s also important to focus on what you want in life. If you want loneliness, problems and pain, look and you will find them. But if you want inspiring folks working to make other people’s lives better, or tips on finding the upside of every situation, you will find that as well.
Thanks for a great thought-provoking post. :0)
Dec 30th, 2007
Albert
Hey Shirley, thank you!
It’s interesting you mention that blogging gives you the answers to your own problems. Just a couple days ago I suddenly felt very poor and very insecure about my financial situation…and then I remembered this very post, and decided to put it into practice. It’s really true how blogging reflects your own life, isn’t it? And it gives you just what you need, sometimes.
Thank you for stopping by, I’m grateful for it.
Dec 30th, 2007
Anmol Mehta | Mastery of Yoga
Hey Albert,
Simply awesome stuff. Also, was exactly a discussion I was having recently on the art of giving as well… brilliant.
I have featured it in the blog carvinal also.
Cheers,
Anmol
Mar 15th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Anmol, you rock! I’m happy to have you here, as always!
Mar 15th, 2008
Ananga
Thank you for your valuable contribution to the latest edition of the Living by Design’s Personal Development Blog Carnival. Your post has been included and posted here:
http://ananga.squarespace.com/.....no-22.html
with best wishes
Ananga
Mar 17th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Ananga!
Mar 17th, 2008
gift baskets
Woooow… that was deep. I always like to give because it feels so rewarding but harder to give what i don’t have. Plus its the thought that counts!
Mar 27th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Gift Baskets! Glad you liked it
Mar 27th, 2008
Alison
I love the principles or abundance, gratitude and our inner creating the outer. Reading your post I think I’m starting to realise just how strongly these principles are connected to giving. Thanks for the perspective.
I found you via the Carnival of Australia and I’ll definitely be back
Mar 27th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Alison!
Glad to have you here.
Mar 27th, 2008
char
what i don’t have to give at the moment is trust to housemates who keep letting my pets out, break my stuff and don’t replace it, and skip out on rent and electricity etc.
this woman has two kids, a trail of poor rental referrals, drug abuse issues and anger management issues- not all of these were obvious to me when after a month of knowing her i offered rooms at my home- they had recently been living in different peoples living rooms.
after giving her two weeks notice my dogs were let out again, the downstairs area locked off so i could not get in, and no word to where she was or for how long. one jigsaw-tool later i was able to start showing the rooms to others.
the following three days were all threats, txt abuse and her wanting me to be responsible for her place in life at the mo. i so lost trust in her~ i moved her gear carefully into my garage and put on a combination lock and txt her the combo; today i will cover with plastic as the rains are here again and the garage has yet to be tarred; i have reminded her boyfriend (who came to apologise) that we are friends, she is not the person i know at present, and that without the dramas her stuff can stay here-safe.
i think i am giving what i don’t have, i am trying to be aware of when i feel superior to her through this, that she is just being ungrateful. i will read your blog again tonight.
i do not want to be a stumbling block to others. i do not want to give her reasons to lose hope in friendship, community or herself.
Mar 30th, 2008
Albert
Hey Char, thanks for the story. I really don’t know what to say, but I know you’ll pull up fine with this one. She sounds like a nightmare!
Mar 30th, 2008
char
she is in a nightmare phase certainly. at the mo she is not the warm hearted, giving and forgiving woman i have come to know. you said it all with your post…what i don’t have is trust in her ability at this time to not to take things out on me (i am one of the safe people in her life who does not take from her, maybe there is some mother-child acting out going on here on her part :-). so I will practice trusting her to walk her talk that she speaks when she is not in “survival” mode and weighed down with life’s challenges.
Mar 30th, 2008
Albert
Char, you sound like a great person! I think she’s lucky to have you in her life, especially at such a difficult phase of her life.
Mar 30th, 2008
Reply to “The Art of Giving What You Don’t Have”
Do not waste your time. If you are promoting a product, keyword stuffing, or plain rude, your comment will simply be deleted. Opposing viewpoints are always welcome, but please keep it classy.
DoFollow. Due to all the spammers, comments are now only Dofollow after a secret number of entries.