Slade once said to me that life is a choir, a symphony. Imagine an ensemble that was competing against itself; each individual was trying to outdo the other, trying to make their voices heard over the rest. It would no longer be singing, it would be screaming!
And yet this is the way many people go about their lives. They climb to the top by stepping on the bodies of others; they withhold help and information from others; they undermine the efforts of those they see as competition.
Many eastern philosophies state that we are part of one inseparable whole. If that is so, then by sabotaging others, we are sabotaging ourselves.
Perhaps it is time to try the opposite, to join our voices with others and work together in the spirit of cooperation.
We come across someone who is in the same field as we are; how do we see them? There is often a knee-jerk reaction – a competitor! Right away we begin analysing them. How much have they made? What are they doing? How old are they?
Comparison is just a waste of mental energies; it simply throws our attention and resources on something that is of no use. But there is a further danger, for it can often degenerate into unfriendly competition. Singing louder or better is not always wrong; the trouble begins when we try to stifle their voice.
There isn’t enough to go around, we mistakenly believe. There is a limited supply, so whatever they get is taking away from what is available to us. And yet we don’t realise it is this very belief that keeps us stuck, sinking.
I was recently reading that infants as young as six months old display jealous behaviours and emotions. It might be a survival mechanism, one that has a use in other areas of our lives – but perhaps in our pursuit of excellence, it is time to put this emotion aside.
Try a little change in your mindset: the next time you look at someone who has made it, simply celebrate their success. Why get jealous? Their accomplishments simply mean you can get there too. What good does jealousy do, besides clutter up your mind and lower the quality of your work?
Explore your jealousy; look deep into your mind. You might find that jealousy is simply crediting their success to something – hard work, grit, or luck – something you think you don’t have. Perhaps you might simply find it is just an excuse for any perceived failures.
Celebrate their success, learn, and watch. Let them be your inspiration, your motivation.
The world is a process, alive and bubbling. It is not made up of dead, unmoving objects. A stream has to keep flowing, or there will be no room for more. When a stream is blocked, when there is no outflow, all there remains is stagnation, a stench.
And so it is a truth: what flows out decides what flows in. The opposite of competition is cooperation. When we come across someone in the same field, there is no reason to block their path. Instead, block off our natural tendencies for jealousy, and try, just once, giving them a hand. Speed up their journey, and see if it doesn’t make a positive difference in your own.
Explain it however you want. Social psychologists speak of reciprocity. But it is simply common sense. Many people feel indebted to those who have given them something – big, small, it doesn’t matter. Some smart restaurants have begun writing a personalised “thank you” on the bill. Others bring the bill with a small piece of candy. The customers, in return, tend to be far more generous in their tipping.
Other people might believe this is a reflection on the law of Karma. Give and you shall receive. Yet others might feel your actions will change your mindset from one of lack to one of abundance.
This is a strange quote, for nowadays words like justice and truth have almost a wishful feel. Even those who live their lives to such ideals see them as somehow separate from the pursuit of their goals. How can compassion and success co-exist, they ask, in such a cutthroat world?
Think and Grow Rich
And yet it contains two lessons I’ve never heard anyone discuss.
“I fully realize that no wealth or position can long endure, unless built upon truth and justice, therefore, I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit all whom it affects.”
“I will induce others to serve me, because of my willingness to serve others. I will eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness, and cynicism, by developing love for all humanity, because I know that a negative attitude toward others can never bring me success.”
I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit all whom it affects. Just one lesson, and yet it contains so much truth. Already, the statement is warning against fraud and dishonesty.
But it goes deeper than that. In every transaction, you must give them a greater use value than they’ve given you in cash value.
I have a friend who works in counselling. One night we were having a group dinner, and someone at the table began deriding her occupation.
“Why do you charge hundreds of dollars?” he asked. “You’re not doing a thing; all you do is just sit there and listen! Your clients will be better off simply going out for a coffee with a friend; all they want is someone to listen to them!”
She admitted to me later that she was stunned and hurt by his accusation. I asked her if he was right, if she was charging too much. She shook her head firmly.
“I know I am providing value. If all I was doing was listening like a friend would, then I would lower my fees. If I wasn’t helping at all, I would quit my job. But I’ve seen depressed people brighten up, communicate with their loved ones, work better at their jobs. I’ve given people back their ability to sleep at night. Their entire lives have changed. The prices I charge are more than fair for such a service.”
She was right, of course. If she wasn’t making a difference, she would be violating this principle, for she was the only one benefiting.
The truth in the rest of Hill’s teachings is also evident. A quick look at the greatest leaders in history will find they inspire loyalty because they truly care for those under them. Why, then, do so many people still do otherwise?
The troubles of behaving dishonestly are many. Whatever you do to others, they will do to you too. The more you lie, cheat and steal, the more obstacles you place in their path, the more obstacles you will face yourself.
On the external level, this much is obvious. We’ve spoken of reciprocity, and naturally that applies to lies, abuse and manipulation. People are not stupid. You might lie to them and succeed for a while, but how long can your deception continue? And when your deception ends, your lies are exposed, what next?
An eye for an eye might leave us all blind, but it is still a philosophy many live by.
A competitive, jealous mindset hurts you as much as it hurts the other person – this is true often on an internal level as well.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a popular force in psychology now, and it has a strong emphasis on changing thoughts. How you think, how you look at your life, determines what you will get out of it.
Huckleberry and Dillon both want the same job badly; they are sitting at home one afternoon, nervously awaiting the results of the interview.
Then the phone rings – bad news! Both of them failed, the job had gone to Anita.
Huckleberry sits down and despairs. His mindset is based on struggle and competition, and his thoughts are running rampant. “It is a hard world,” he thinks. “I’ll never get what I want. I hate her! What does Anita have that I don’t?” He is dejected and disheartened, and these thoughts keep him there.
Perhaps he goes one level further, seeking to discredit her in front of the employers. What then? Lies, backstabbing, mind games? Maybe it works, and he steals her job from her. What then? A guilty conscience, perhaps. Or he might find himself constantly looking over his shoulder. Anita might seek revenge one day, or another co-worker might pull the same trick on him.
Dillon believes in cooperation, in justice, in giving. He might be dejected for a while, but he picks himself up soon enough. “I’ll have to buy Anita lunch and get a few interview tips from her,” he thinks. “Maybe with her help and a bit more practice, I’ll land my next job.”
And so we return to the state of inner acceptance.
Throughout the entire series, we’ve discussed the importance of inner acceptance in any pursuit. Resistance, frustration, and fear are often the cause of all the negativity we’ve discussed.
But once we bring an inner yes to our journey, all of that will begin to dissolve… and we begin to find what we want.
The first blog I want to highlight today belongs to a good friend of mine, Aaron Potts of Today is that Day. He is one of the most popular personal development bloggers around, and with good reason. His birthday was also a few days ago. Happy Birthday Aaron! Here’s a good example of his material: Powerful Paperless Proactivity.
Jason Iver’s blog, A Miracle A Day, is one of my favourite blogs. It is one of the few personal development blogs that put out deeper, more insightful material. A recent, and quite relevant post, is 7 reasons it helps to assume the good intentions of others.
Last but not least, is another one of my favourite bloggers. Andrea Hess of Empowered Soul is one of the most insightful I’ve met. Her writing style is beautiful, short and to the point. A good example is How to Eliminate Worry.
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Great article Albert – and to see this concept expressed beautifully, check out the Swedish movie “As it is in Heaven”. the last scene is supposed to be a competition…. and visually illustrates exactly what you (and Slade) are saying here.
Highly recommend watching this movie!!!!
Great post, Albert. I sent the link out to a number of people. Have you read the new book THE GO-GIVER by Bob Burg? I think you would like it as it is aligned with this post.
Thank you KL and Stephanie. I haven’t seen the book nor read that movie, I’ll go check them out ASAP.
Another Awesome post Albert. I have seen jealousy do pretty horrendous things to people and understand why it is called the green eyed monster! Jealousy can also be seen as self-esteem issues within… if you are comfortable with yourself you should have no problem patting someone else on the back for their success. Everyone has their own strengths and I believe every success no matter how big or small should be commended and appreciated instead of looked at as someone else’s failure. There’s PLENTY for everyone to have success and we all walk our own path to get there — does no good to trip someone else — better to lend a hand and walk forward together. Thanks — you know you’re one of my favorites! Gratefully, Jenny
Albert,
Much obliged for the link love, but more importantly, for this great post! You are so very right on so many levels, and big kudos to you for putting so much truth together in one place for others to benefit from.
‘Think and Grow Rich’ to this day stands as the book that changed my life more than any other. What Napoleon Hill said about serving others is such a simple, yet incredibly powerful and effective philosophy for living a wonderful and fulfilling life.
Thanks, Albert!!
Great post! It’s important to important for people to understand that they have more to gain by working together than working against each other. I think they’re afraid there’s not enough to go around.
Albert,
I’m honored by the linkage. It’s quite a compliment to see my own name as the first word in a post!
We do so much damage to ourselves (individually and as a whole) when we act from a position of “absolute scarcity” — as if there is a limit to what we want out of life — the idea that, if someone else has something we desire, it precludes or excludes anyone else from having it…
If we pursue absolute abundance — the Real, Meaningful, Ultimate Abundance — we find that it replicates itself toward infinity.
“Getting” is best approached as a Creative act, rather than a limited Hunting/Gathering contest…
Albert, thank you so much for the link love! I really appreciate it.
This was a wonderful post that really hit home for me. I just created a new website for my training program that also has a practitioner directory for my students and a whole community forum with resources for them. I’m so crazy about my work, but there’s no way I can put it out into the world by myself! So my vision is about all of us putting this work out into the world together.
It’s been an interesting project, especially in seeing the spirit of true cooperation in some, and some who seem to be mainly in it for personal gain. I’m excited to see what will unfold. It’s a new direction for me, and I’m learning a lot – about myself, about what it takes to motivate others …
Thanks again for this article – it’s really inspired some new thoughts.
Blessings,
Andrea
Thank you very much / You’re welcome, everyone! As always, I really appreciate your comments and your added perspectives. They’re a vital part of the blog, for sure!
Albert,
A very insightful post. What you say about fair transactions applies in the other direction too, I think. Just because I’m giving money to someone in exchange for a service doesn’t mean I can treat them any way I want.
Ultimately, both parties benefit from friendliness and cooperation, expanding possibilities instead of contracting them.
Hi Vitor, you’re definitely right. There was a part that I cut out because it got too far off topic, but some people under charge of their services because of low self esteem, and so on. Thanks.
Albertji,
There is little I can add to your excellent post. So instead I will share with you and your readers something I came upon recently and have been investigating with interest.
There is a self-help technique called the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) which has helped many people overcome emotional and physical problems with remarkable ease. Visit http://emofree.com/ where you can find out about the technique in depth. I think it is worth looking it over.
Best of Luck,
ReddyK
Thanks Reddyji! I would be interested in your experiences with EFT. I have tried it before, and have a friend who specialises in it. She’s taken me for a few sessions, and I found it very useful but wasn’t suited for me.
Cheers,
Albert
Your reflections are blessings. I chuckle when you mention comparison is a kind of waste of mental energy. (Great analogy!) It can be helpful to follow the thread back to better understand who we are and why we make certain choices. Our perspective grows from our thoughts, which stem from our beliefs and feelings. How we came to perceive competition and cooperation relates to many things. Anything we don’t beleive in naturally lacks importance and attention. Whatever our field or endeavor, the question is do we conform to what we see or, choose to transcend our own conditioned beliefs?
From birth, humans are surrounded by what are portrayed as desirable examples of what to aspire toward. We each choose role models who inspire and motivate us. This is based more on attraction than comparison. You either relate to people or you don’t. Its not necessary to assume one is better than another. Yet, somewhere along the way, superiority complexes tend to creep in and shape us.
All the while, admired models may bombard us with subconscious images or behaviors that reflect jealousy, giving into fear, inadequacy, even obsession with self-image, or with winning at any cost. Perhaps these kinds of images are meant to bring us face-to-face with reasons for our discomfort so we may evolve to transcend negative emotion and the power it seems to exert over us in the physical world? If self-acceptance is the goal, then we can grow to realize life itself is truly a marvelous trip!
Along the learning years, consider many school systems are set up to favor hierarchy. Students who attend school aren’t told they should feel equal. History has taught segregation, distinguished among genders, classes, ethnicities, religions and other aspects of identity. In addition, children are encouraged to achieve and then, rewarded for surpassing their peers. This structure continues in work environments where some people exert control over others and may take advantage of higher position or employee vulnerability. Anyone who takes advantage of others, may do so because he can, because this was learned by example, and the person got away with it before with no apparant consequences. Being exposed to other examples can only influence a change of heart if a person desires to perceive differently. As you say, our thinking affects our lives and evolution dramatically.
I also think of Big sports competitions like the Olympics. High-profile competition, which becomes a goal for many amateur athletes, has become a haven for drugs. Users turn to illicit substances during training and competition because these athletes feel desperate to prove they’re superior (for themselves, for external approval). How is it that society evolved to assume the biggest endorsement or prospective professional team paychecks were the most worthwhile sports goal? For some people, truth and justice are lost along the way due to different goals. Although we don’t have to mimic powerful role models for success, some people evolve to convince themselves it’s a matter of survival, when it may be false pride.
Of course, your article reminds us many choices to perceive exist. My own experience is that relinquishing negative emotions and our desire to control go along way to helping each of us discern our own truth. Anything we shy away from or fail to love unconditionally, will eventually teach us a useful lesson. And, if you believe in being connected to a Higher Source, then you also realize you do absolutely nothing alone.
We must be careful not to overlook the need for internal cooperation as well. Many people work hard to master the art of external cooperation but still carry internal conflict.
The more we harmonize our purpose with our values the easier it is to give approval to our self. Internal harmony gives us the resources to contribute to and cooperate with others.
I really enjoyed this post, thanks.
@ Liara: Thank you kindly for that comment! It’s awesome, really sheds light on how this mindset of competition has been so deeply ingrained in us. We are truly the product of our culture – school, society, parents.
I remember one story vaguely, not sure if the details were correct. I think it was some prisoner of war camp, and the guards would pick a few prisoners every day to torture to death. The prisoners from one nation would kick out the weak and the wounded to be tortured. But prisoners from another nation would all pile up into one big human pile, covering the weak and wounded with the bodies of the healthy, so the guards couldn’t get to them. They stood together, and excluded no one. I can’t remember where I read that story, I wish I could find it again, it’s a really beautiful one.
It’s also a good sign that our attitudes are not so much an innate selfishness, but just something that we had drilled into us as a result of our culture. And as such it is something that can be overcome.
@ Jonathan: Thanks for that. I agree completely – the inner world is often more important. As Liara said, once we burn up our negative emotions and thoughts, solving our internal conflict – external cooperation will arise far more naturally. Thank you for the comment
Well Albert,
You’ve done it again…You and your commentors…Delivered an article worth reading, and re-reading. The comments posted also spoke directly to me.
While I was reading the first time, I was taken back to my childhood. When playing ball with my sisters, my father would direct the older of us to throw the ball to the younger ones as easy and directly as we could…so the younger ones were most likely to catch it and return it. After all, the longer the ball was in play, the more fun it was for all of us. When we played ping-pong, we would count the passes of the ball across the net. The higher the number of passes, the more excited we became. It also showed each of us the value of cooperation rather than competition. To this day, half a century passed, there is tremendous connection and loyalty between us sisters. We all are engaged in service professions; teaching, health care, and team support. I will admit it is more difficult to cultivate this attitude outside the immediate family. I think it has to do with trust and fear.
I used to think that my father’s directives destroyed any sense of competition that I may have had. But having endured being stepped on during a coworker’s upward climb, and hear another’s frustrated cry, “I have worked hard for this [promotion], Why can’t you just be happy for me?!” have shown me competition’s two edged sword.
I think it is time for me to get my own copy of Napoleon Hill’s book…
Thank you, Albert for this inspirational post. It is a welcome nudge toward helping me on my path to being a better person. Keep it coming!
~Diane
Hey Albert,
Personally, I don’t like to compete for anything. I have been that way as far as I can remember. In my first job (11 years ago), my manager encouraged negative competition among his direct reports. That created a lot of problems for me. Then, I decided that I would not take any job that fostered such behaviors. In my later jobs, I would make it clear that I was not a competitive person, but a cooperative one, even during the phone interviews. That helped a quite a bit. From that time, I only attracted cooperative environments in everything I did.
I also agree with what you said about fears and us projecting our own reality. This was very true for me in my first job I mentioned. I took that job directly after being a student. As a student, I was among friends and well-wishers. So, when I went into the new environment, I was not sure how to handle the corporate situation, and created extra fears. However, that experience in that job gave me enough to shift my mindset out of fear, and go only for what I wanted and not just take what I got.
As always, very nice article from you.
Desika
@ Diane: Thank you for your support, as always! Your encouragement really means a lot. Your father sounds like a very wise man, when / if I have little ones of my own, I’ll have to remember that move. And it’s amazing that you’ve kept that lesson with you after all this time.
@ Desika: Thank you as well. I’m a big fan of your material, and your praise also means a lot to me. Your story of your first job after studies really strikes home. My first corporate job after I finished studies was a bit of a shock for me as well. We moved from relatively friendly and helpful fellow students into the cut throat world of business, but got a lot out of it.
Ah, this is why I read your blog, Albert–home truths beautifully expressed.
Hehe, thank you Kirsten. I’m happy this article is so well received, and appreciate your words
Love your points here, stumbled and shared in google reader list.
Here
Thank you for sharing.
Kriz, thank you. That’s a big compliment
Blog hopping to spread the spirit of joy and laughter
=======
Politics Explained
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
__________
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. ~e.e. cummings
Don’t waste away your day then. Pls visit our website @ http://makesyoulaugh.blogspot.com
Albert, thanks for starting the article with Slade’s statement. My favorite music has always been songs with harmony. Life, for all of us, should be about living in harmony rather than being in competition with others.
I have a friend who doesn’t get along with another of my friends. Why? Jealousy, pure and simple. I keep loving both of them and tell the jealous friend that she has no grounds for her jealousy. She is afraid that the other woman is going to take away her son, daughter-in-law and grandson. These fears are so unfounded that they would be laughable if the other friend wasn’t hurt by the accusations. I tell this jealous friend that the only way she will lose her family is if she pushes them away which out of her fears she creates the very thing that she fears—losing her family.
Great article. As usual, the article makes me think about my own areas that I might be competitive in. Thanks.
@ Chong: Thanks for the story
@ Patricia: Thank you, again for your personal touch. Jealousy is so often unfounded, and hurts the other person too. I think you’ve inspired me to write another post purely on jealousy…
Thanks for including me in the link love! I’ve been reading your site off and on for a while, and subscribed not so long ago… right when I was getting started, yours was one of the web sites I admired and hoped to be as successful, so having you say I’m one of your favorite blogs means a lot to me.
So thank you
By the way, do you have a lot of problems with people posting your material without permission? I’ve been finding such things from my own site recently, and I found this one from yours, not sure if they had permission or not:
http://blissbyte.com/?p=104
You’re welcome Jason. The appreciation is mutual then
I do get a lot of people scraping my content, but blissbyte is a project that me and the two other guys who started the Compassion Writing Project are beginning as well. It’s not ready, which is why we haven’t talked about it, but at least it’s an official one.
Thank you so much for pointing it out though. How did you find it, if you don’t mind me asking?
Hey Albert,
Thanks a lot for your appreciation of my blog. It means a lot to me, more than you know.
Thanks,
-Desika
Great point Albert! “The Beautiful Mind” movie with Russell Crowe comes to mind when I read this article. When he realizes that if him and all his friends work together to impress the group of women instead of working against each other, they can all be happy. Thanks for the reminder.
It linked to me, since it copied your article where you did… I saw it on
http://www.technorati.com/blog.....leaday.com
Thank you, guys! Yes, watch out for BlissByte, it’ll be ready very very soon!
WOW…. reading your post Albert, from a parental
standpoint, how big time huge it is to guide a child
in these lessons early on.
Cooperation within a family is the very foundation of
cohesive harmony. Something of an ongoing lesson
within mine.
I am amazed to learn that children as young as
6 months old display signs of jealousy.
Any parent with more than one child knows exactly
how easily the ‘green eyed monster’ of jealousy
can rise up.
“Inner acceptance” …. imagine the value of that
learned at a young age. The value of IT ALL learned
at a young age.
Great message Albert. !
Hey Deb! The more I see children play the more I think it is a survival mechanism. Maybe the lack of parental love meant a lack of food and resources and therefore death in days long gone? But it is still something that hurts us as we get older. Thank you for your compliments
Forwarded this post to my father, some very powerful messages and ideas in there. I believe that doing the right thing, although not always easy, is always right. At the end of the day it’s yourself you have to live with. Others taking advantage of you does not have the power to change what you see in the mirror.
Thank you Yuppie! Yes there will always be people who seek to take advantage of you, but I do believe it is important to stay true to one’s own principles, just like you said.
Absolutely right! The first step permitted us to cooperate with our fellow humans and that is what began our dominance.
Thanks Guru
Thanks! At first it seemed strange and unusual but then I soon realised how it all made sense! Amazing how the “inner” world can affect the “öuter” world we live in. Extremely insightful!
Heya Marcus, glad you liked it, and good to have you here
You are quite right when you allude to our problems being solved with common sense; not so common to some!
This is a wonderful post! I enjoyed it greatly. Although there was so much that I could make comment on, I chose this statement:
“the next time you look at someone who has made it, simply celebrate their success.”
I have to say that I agree with you 101%. Too many people get jealous when they see others succeeding.
Napoleon Hill once said in the Your Right to be Rich seminar he did in Chicago back in the mid 1950s that there are always people waiting to trip the person who looks like they’re going somewhere in life.
I look at the success of others as inspiration to fuel my own activities. Especially if they’re coming from a semilar background. I know that if they can succeed, then so can I.
Shannon
I just came across your comment policy post. I hope my comment above doesn’t violate this new policy. Feel free to modify it if you need to. Love you blog.
Have a great day,
Shannon
Hey Shannon, thanks for being so considerate. I edited out your links, but the comment is fine
Thanks for being so cool!
Right on! A powerful antidote to a dangerous mindset.
I’d also add to this cooperation theme the power of accountability in groups, Mastermind groups as Napoleon Hill liked to call them. Committing to a goal and making it real with people you trust can make all the difference.
Hi Peter, thanks for this comment and reminder. It’s timely – I needed a reminder of mastermind groups for one of the things I am working on. Good to have you here
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