The Importance of Overcoming Guilt
Guilt was never a rational thing; it distorts all the faculties of the human mind, it perverts them, it leaves a man no longer in the free use of his reason, it puts him into confusion.
~ Edmund Burke
Guilt is, simply put, a wrong notion. Guilt is paralysing, destructive. You think you have done something you shouldn’t have; you hadn’t done something you should have.
Guilt is the false idea that you could have done better; that you had the power to choose. But if you look deeply into it, you will see that you were helpless. There was simply no choice.
There might still be tears and sadness, efforts at reparation might still be needed – but deep down inside, there will be a measure of peace, resting in the knowledge that you were not at fault.
Understanding Guilt
The death of guilt comes with the realisation that you could have done nothing else. Your emotional state, your past conditioning, your beliefs and knowledge, your instincts and intuition – they were just too strong. A beach ball, separated from its owner, pulled along by the raging waves – what can it do? It is dragged out, lost at sea. Who can blame it?
Without awareness, we are without control, completely at the mercy of our past.
Relax your body; close your eyes. Think of the last time you felt angry. Place yourself, as best as you can, back in time.
Perhaps someone had made a comment, one that is designed to hurt; immediately you are engulfed in a storm of emotions and thoughts. It pulls you with such force, it takes over your body – and you begin to react. Your voice becomes deeper, louder, and you begin to shout in rage.
Right now you might be safe, in an office, at home. That person is just a memory, but still the urge to shout is there. You recognise it now – you can see the anger, you can feel the compulsion to act. But you don’t, because you are aware. And with this awareness you begin to see a different possibility. You can hold your anger down now; there is no longer a need to shout.
But you lacked that recognition, and therefore that choice, in the past. Your mental and emotional patterns had taken over, and you didn’t know - the awareness was simply not there! You could have done nothing else.
Given what was happening inside you, outside you at that time, you did the best you could!
Guilt is born the moment we know better. Guilt is created the moment we think back, the moment we see the hurt we have caused. Hindsight creates the lie that we had a choice. But we didn’t. We always do our best, restricted only by our awareness.
The Pull of Unconsciousness
One day I was at a train station with a friend. The train had been delayed, and I was getting bored. I leaned back on the bench, crossed my legs and began shaking my foot. It was just an old habit, one I rather enjoyed. My head was off in the clouds, and I was suddenly snapped back into reality when my friend reached over and slapped my thigh.
“Stop shaking!” he said. “It’s annoying!”
Amused, I stopped, but after a few seconds my thoughts began to drift, and my foot began to shake once more. My friend slapped my thigh again. “Why can’t you stop?” he asked. I shrugged – I don’t know.
I don’t know. That was simply how most of us live our lives. Without awareness, we simply don’t know what we are doing. The past is in control. Without awareness, we are slaves to our unconscious impulses.
Psychologists and Buddhist teachers alike have identified these patterns inside each of us. They have different names for it, of course, but they all refer to the same thing: patterns, instincts, old conditionings, beliefs, emotional states, perhaps a wound that is still bleeding.
The possibility of choice only comes with consciousness - when these patterns arise, can we recognise them for what they are, instead of getting pulled along by their force?
Ten Thousand Influences
The lie of guilt becomes even clearer when we begin to consider our emotional states, our physical states – and even the temperature and humidity.
I get mildly annoyed whenever I have to repeat myself. It is normally almost imperceptible – a minor difference in my tone of voice, a small frown. A long time ago, I was having an awful, stressful week. The first chance I got, I jumped into my car and went for a cruise to clear my head. Not long after, a friend rang to ask me where I was.
“Just cruising, not going anywhere in particular,” I mumbled. “What?” she asked.
My awareness was low, obscured by my stress, and the irritation was amplified – it took over completely.
“NOWHERE!” I shouted. And I didn’t even realise I had shouted, that I had hurt her feelings, until days had passed.
And this was no different from a night of hard drinking. Our consciousness has dropped, old mental-emotional patterns have arisen. No longer could we catch them before they take control. And the results are the stuff of songs and stories! We lose our inhibitions, we wake up in bed with someone we dislike, perhaps we end up crying, dancing, or singing like a fool.
These patterns are constantly there, running our lives underneath our conscious awareness. Why do many people have the same relationships with different lovers? A man dates a series of women who all lie to him; a woman dates a series of men who all cheat on her. Their past, in whatever form, is in control, making their choices for them. They had no say at all.
This is my favourite definition of the word Karma – until we can become aware of our past, aware enough to choose, we unconsciously have to relive it again and again.
An Automatic and Involuntary Reaction
And to drive the point in, we have to consider the countless external factors that come into play.
Consider this passage from The Book
“The illusion that organisms move entirely on their own is immensely persuasive until we settle down, as scientists do, to describe their behaviour carefully.”
A scientist will soon discover that in describing the movement of an ant, for instance, he will soon have to take into account other factors – food sources in the area, hostile or friendly behaviour of other organisms, and countless other factors…
“The more detailed the description of our ant’s behaviour becomes, the more it has to include such matters as density, humidity, and temperature of the surrounding atmosphere, the types and sources of its food, the social structure of its own species, and that of neighbouring species with which it has some symbiotic or preying relationship.”
“When at last the whole vast list is compiled, and the scientist calls “Finish!” for lack of further time or interest, he may well have the impression that the ant’s behaviour is no more than its automatic and involuntary reaction to its environment. It is attracted by this, repelled by that, kept alive by one condition, and destroyed by another.”
Why am I sitting at home now, on a beautiful summer afternoon, instead of being out by the beach? At first glance, it might seem like a conscious choice. But on dissection, one can see the countless factors that have led up to this point. The heat makes me wilt; the humidity makes me grumpy; my lack of sleep makes me too tired to drive out; my workload meant I have not had any writing time for a while.
Guilt is useless
Guilt is unhealthy – completely, utterly useless.
Why then, do we continue to indulge in it? There is a mistaken belief that guilt is atonement, that somehow it will make things better, perhaps motivate us to make reparations.
But that is simply not true; it is the opposite. It is dead weight; it constantly drags us down. All our mental energies are wasted on punishing ourselves, keeping us in low spirits, keeping us weak. This shows up in many forms: depression, low self-confidence and self-esteem, constant rumination.
How does a weak, sickly man make amends?
How can self-punishment possibly do anything but bring more misery into life? Punishment might scare us into not doing something, but the patterns are still there. You must have seen this for yourself. A child is punished for eating sweets before dinner; all that has done is put a layer of pain over her desire for candy – it is still there. There won’t be any lasting change or improvement. Even in psychological treatment, punishment to stop undesirable behaviour is always the last option.
End the guilt; bring an inner acceptance to our lives. Then the energy begins to spring forth – bringing quality to our actions, giving us the courage to sincerely apologise, to make amends.
Make a resolution to learn from your mistake, to become more mindful, more aware of yourself. With this mindfulness comes increased awareness - when you see the past conditionings arising, can you remain aware enough to have a choice?
The end of guilt
Make a decision now to cease all self-punishment, to return to health, to take steps towards mental maturity.
Ending guilt does not mean what happened was right, that you can do it again. It doesn’t mean you are justified in going out there and doing it again, under the excuse – I don’t know any better!
A healthy man learns from the past, makes amends, and corrects his mistakes. A neurotic is mired in the past, trapped in his own mental prison, constantly condemning himself, hoping for a better past.
Throw off the shackles of guilt, and correct your mistakes. We’ve discussed the why today, and there will be many questions raised. Please subscribe for a clearer look, and the How - in the second part of this series.
Link Love
Social. Savvy. Suave is a guide to conversation, dating, flirting and everything about social interactions and relationships. Read and use with care, particularly with this article on behaviour-shaping.
Personal Growth with Corinne Edwards is one of my regular reads – I really enjoy her writing style, her warmth, and her no-BS style. Her blog is beautiful blend of poetry, and very real material, and her perspective and life experiences are very unique. A great, touching example is When your Husband have died: A Survival Guide.
The Fractal Forest by Vitor Bosshard, is an amazing website – it combines some beautiful fractal art with “normal” blog posts chronicling the personal journey of the artist. His most recent example: Things are changing.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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30 Comments, Comment or Ping
Cyrano
Hey Al, thanks for the link! I enjoyed your post as well… it is a detailed breakdown on guilt that I think would help with my blogging articles as well. Cheers!
Jan 25th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Cyrano! Wow you’re fast, I just posted this! You’re very welcome.
Jan 25th, 2008
Evan
Hi Albert,
A few comments (which may be just being picky).
I’m not sure that ‘overcoming’ is the best word. Perhaps ‘understanding’ would be better.
If we couldn’t have done anything else doesn’t this applying to feeling guilt as well.
If awareness if awareness brings control then we do have a choice and we can do otherwise. Doesn’t this mean that awareness means guilt is possible.
If we can do nothing else then why ask us to end guilt?
Guilt may provide the motivation to make amends, not just beat ourselves up. I don’t think guilt is bad - it depends on our response (which we choose to make - we can do other than beat ourself up when we feel guilty).
Jan 25th, 2008
Albert
Hey there, Evan!
Awesome questions, I was expecting holes in my post (one of the reasons why it took so long to write - I tried to cover everything but knew there were still a few in there).
Yes we couldn’t help but feel guilt as well - until we realise that it is guilt, and that we have a choice, i.e. our awareness is high enough to recognise it for what it is.
As I mentioned, we only do our best according to our level of awareness. Once we realise that we are feeling guilty, that is when we have a choice to stop. It might not be immediate (covered in part 2, coming soon!), but at least there is a possibility.
Which was why the first exercise was recommended. When we think back to the time, with our hindsight, we can see the emotional patterns arising, and that gives us the possibility of not falling into it. Same thing with our guilt. The benefit of that exercise is being prepared for the arising of the old pattern. When it happens right now, we are often unprepared for it, and it takes over completely, obscuring this awareness.
I think we should notice a difference between guilt and repentance. Guilt is constantly beating ourselves up. Repentance is trying to make amends.
I’m not sure what you mean by this sentence, though? “Doesn’t this mean that awareness means guilt is possible.”
Thanks for the stimulating comment. Hope my reply makes sense.
Jan 25th, 2008
Vitor - The Fractal Forest
Albert,
Thanks a lot for the link. I feel this post was aimed squarely at me.
Jan 25th, 2008
stella
Once again, your post reminds me of the table of Hawkins’ levels of Consciousness.
Guilt, there, is in the range of weak attractor fields: it is not necessary in growth of consciousness.
When I came to overcome guilt, it was by divine love I felt through another human being. It was the kind of Love the Greek named “agape”, not the other two kinds of human love. This human being was in such harmony with God’s power, that he was able to be His conductor. - It had happened only through words typed as these: We never (have) met (yet). It was kind of awakening, I awoke a bit. Afterwards, I’ve been more and more awake and was able to perceive Love more and more. And to see more and more that we *are* without fault, but often in a dreamy state. (I’m sure I’m still, somehow, hoping to awake more and more.)
This kind of guilt-feeling must be a Western-culture-thing, it is not found in other cultures, I think. For instance, Jesus never said that *he* was there to “pay for our sins”, he said: “you ARE forgiven”, there is no place for guilt, only for love, and for going on, going on, going on. Jesus was one of those that showed the way, the way to freedom: seeing the Truth is what sets us free. So, let us go on, on our way to seek Truth.
thank you for naming guilt.
Jan 26th, 2008
ReddyK - The Atma Jyoti Blog
Albert,
This is one post with which I will have to respectfully disagree. Of course, it all depends on how a person defines guilt. If you mean constantly brooding on your faults and mis-steps, then you are right. Brooding alone can be negative and non-constructive.
But you stated, “Guilt is the false idea that you could have done better; that you had the power to choose. But if you look deeply into it, you will see that you were helpless. There was simply no choice.”
I am surprised to see this written by you, as it seems to contradict other things you have written. Are we helpless? Do we have no choices in our lives? Are we slaves of fate? If so, we have no responsibility, we cannot improve ourselves. I am sure that you did not mean this!
Guilt is the inner voice of our conscience that we could have done better, that we did have a choice, that we can come to a higher standard both within and without.
Guilt, of course, should not apply to wiggling our feet, or other petty events and traits in our lives. But with the bigger things in our lives, guilt, taken in a correct perspective, can be a life-saver, a soul-saver.
I hope you take my contradiction in the right spirit.
Jan 26th, 2008
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul
Hi Albert,
Great article - this really has got me thinking! You know, I’m not entirely sure that guilt is useless. Like any other emotion, it is information. It is information, for example, that we need to shift our behavior in the present and future. As such, it can educate us about the growth we desire for ourselves.
I agree with you, though, that it can sap our energy. If we allow guilt to take over and we practice endless self-flagellation over something we cannot change now, then we are truly stuck in the past.
I do think that we can transmute guilt into a powerful force for positive change if we acknowledge and recognize it, forgive ourselves and shift our course of action. Easily said, right? Not so easily done … like you say, the key is awareness!
Thanks for the inspiration!
Blessings,
Andrea
Jan 26th, 2008
Diane
Another Great Post, Albert! Thank you!!
As I read your post, two thoughts came to mind:
THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson
Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down another street.
And a phrase often said by Ms. Oprah Winfrey came to mind:
“When you know better, you do better.”
I think guilt is a result of awareness and regret. It is neither good or bad. It is a signal, and perhaps an impetus to make amends, let go, and move on.
I also take exception to Vitor’s comment in that he is not alone with the feeling this post is aimed directly at/to him; I feel that I am also in the running for that honor.
Keep it coming, Albert. ~Diane
Jan 26th, 2008
kirsten
Wow, what a synchronicity: a friend and I recently discussed the topic of guilt and the different types of guilt feelings and here’s this article!
We felt that there were two types of guilt: one that you feel when you really did mess up, and one that you feel when you *think* you messed up on the outside but actually comes from your perception that you’re not living up to some very high standards. Standards that might not even be yours. So that makes it the useless guilt that hurts.
For the first type, a sincere apology clears the air and the mind and can draw people closer together. For the second, self-hating guilt zaps your energy and draws you down into depression, thus blocking opportunity for growth and from letting go. It’s cleared through self-love and forgiveness and finding your own core values. But sometimes, it’s hardest to forgive ourselves.
I’m intrigued about the genesis of the helpless feeling. Is it learned? Is it simply that we’re blocked by out of control emotions and therefore can’t see answers (like the beach ball analogy)? And what about things that happen to children–what level of empowerment do they have? I suppose that would depend on the type of family environment, whether kids are raised to feel a sense of competency in problem-solving and those who are raised with a sense that they can’t solve problems.
And building a little on what Stella said about Western-based cultures feeling guilt: there’s a difference between shame-based and guilt-based cultures. Countries with a Puritan legacy seem to tend toward guilt-based thinking, with many feeling like they’re not measuring up to high standards. However–there’s been a major shift toward the “end of guilt” feeling, with more people refusing to living by standards that aren’t theirs and working on self-acceptance and development based on their own core values.
Thanks for another thought-provoking post.
Jan 26th, 2008
stella
In regards to another comment, may I add:
In a sense, we have the one choice each time: committed to truth or to lie; we have none if we *are* in a dream-state and do not see the lie, and we have none if we *see* the world as it is (I am not yet there, I do not know if ever this life time I will get there) then we have no choice because we just know what to do and we just do it.
But in order to see *some* truth, we must have a practice to step back, to see the situation from a mental place where we are slightly distant from the scene.
And for what it’s worth and if it’s allowed, I will quote some words of another which do not need any further comment on my part.
< <<<<<
...when false beliefs find their way in,
we can know them because of the "friction" the energy they give off
creates inside, guilt. If we are ready, we can then recognize them as
lies. If we are not ready, we will try to believe the guilt comes from
something else (usually something we look back upon as a silly notion.)
In this way, we know the truth and the truth sets us free, as the old
saying tells us. Free because while we believed falsely, an energy
expressed itself through us without any consent by us (other than the
implicit consent derived from our allowing ourselves to believe
wrongly.) Neither did we have control over ourselves. But as the lies
become exposed, we are restored to a peaceful state where we once again
can choose.
>>
Jan 26th, 2008
Albert
@ Vitor: No problem, mate!
@ Stella: That was amazing to hear! And the whole Jesus / guilt thing is very interesting, I have got to read up more on it.
@ Reddy: Thanks for the comment. No, I didn’t mean we were all helpless zombies. We were helpless according to our level of awareness.
We might know that it’s wrong to shout, for example, but when our anger arises, is our awareness high enough to catch it before it takes over? Throughout the entire blog I have said that improving ourselves can only come from a change in awareness / consciousness. And this is the reason why.
Guilt is simply beating yourself up. At the very last section, I put in clearly that a healthy man learns from his own mistakes, and not beats himself up for it.
Hmm…this part was probably not written clearly enough, or emphasised enough. I might have to go back and change it.
@ Andrea: Thanks! I think the key is, in the last section. A healthy response is to learn from the mistake, and not to beat yourself up.
@ Diane: That is a great poem - and is very close to what I was trying to communicate.
@ Kirsten: The helpless feeling can be taken in two ways - one, that we are weak and should just give up. Two, that I was not at fault in the way I think.
I gave the example of shouting at my friend at the end of a stressful week. If I continually beat myself up, then that was wrong. But I looked at it, and I saw that I was helpless - my awareness was not high enough to stop the anger from taking over. So that is the “good” sense of helplessness, in that it allows me to stop hating myself. From there, I learn from my mistakes, and resolve to become more mindful.
@ Stella again: Go for it, I love having discussion here!
Jan 26th, 2008
Takuin Minamoto
Albert, you’ve done a great job describing this.
You could also say, guilt is born the moment the past is projected onto reality (or projected into the present).
Guilt is dependent on memory (on the past). And it is dependent on the projection of those memories.
One can’t experience guilt without the idea of something better. I should have done this instead, or I could have done it this way. But is any of that true?
The only reality regarding the past is what happened, not what could have or should have happened.
When we see the reality of our actions, when we see the reality of the past as it is, without embellishment, then we may be able to take right action in the present.
Great post.
Takuin
Jan 27th, 2008
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Guilt, like blame, can keep you stuck in the past rather than living in the present. We can’t change the past, only the present. Instead of blaming and feeling guilty, change your present behavior so there is no need to feel guilty again. Use the awareness of guilt to change present behavior so you don’t fall into the trap of guilt again.
Jan 27th, 2008
Corinne Edwards
Giving up guilt is letting go of the wish for a better past! What is done is done and the mistakes we’ve made have made us better and wiser people in the present.
That was so generous of you to give me so much wonderful link love and the great plug on my article which I hope will help some widow - or widower - by knowing they are not alone. I am in love with the Urban Monk!
Jan 27th, 2008
Albert
Wow everyone. You’ve really expressed well, some things that I struggled to put into words. Like I always say, the comments add more value to the blog than the actual post does, and this is proof! Thanks!
Jan 27th, 2008
Liara Covert
To me, guilt is a wise teacher. It can help us to understand why we make deliberate choices, what we presume is missing inside, and where we need to go within ourselves to re-align with positive feelings. Our thoughts bring us great value if we choose to explore the underlying reasons and emotions that influence them.
To quote Ross Bishop from his book, Journey to Enlightenment,
“Emotions are different from feelings, and the difference is important. Feelings emanate from the God Space. They come, you hold them for a short time, and then they pass on. All you have left is the memory of having the feeling. But with an emotion, a feeling comes and you make a connection through the present experience to a previous event, which is usually, but not necessarily, unresolved hurt.”
An emotion like shame or guilt remains alive inside you until you learn to explain and overcome the unresolved pain of its causes in your past. Emotions are like a protective mechanism to distract you from feelings that enable you to feel good. It may seem ironic, but understand the ego and learn to transcend it, then rise to higher levels.
Jan 27th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Liara, thanks for the comment. I agree with what you are saying here. I think I made the mistake with this article of splitting off the repentance bit, leaving that for Part 2. The way you and Ross have described it is fantastic, and will add a lot of value to those who read the comments section.
Jan 27th, 2008
Ginger
I agree with what some of the other commenters have said. I don’t think guilt is entirely useless. I think it has a purpose, if only very briefly. It serves as a great reminder that you have done something wrong, and it creates a very unpleasant sensation that you’re not likely to want to repeat. For that, I value at least acknowledging it and spending a few moments to think about it before moving on. I agree with you that it shouldn’t rule your life or linger, though.
Jan 29th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Ginger! Definitely, you’re right. Recognising that you are wrong is an important first step in changing your behaviour, but like you said we shouldn’t let it be the cause of endless self-punishment. Please stay tuned for the second installment in this series.
Jan 30th, 2008
Yeoux
Guilt…now that’s a word. This past week I have been engulfed by guilt. I got a staph infection after taking a fall, after drinking to much about 15 days ago. So, guilt lead me to silence, which lead my scrap to infection then to cellulitis and eventually to loosing 5 days of work, eating crow and having to confess anyway. Were it not for my parents and sister, i would feel much more guilt and less remorse. Now, I suffer from shame. My job this week will be to continue to get well and eventually get back to work. So, yeah, guilt can change the course of history and the course of choice for each of us. Guilt, what is guilt? Why does it affect me so and What can I do to get out of its clutches?
Feb 5th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Yeoux, thanks for the comment and for sharing your story. As to how to overcome guilt, my very next article is how I did it, hope it will help.
Feb 5th, 2008
Becky R
Hello, thanks, I thought theis was a very powerful article! Take care
Feb 8th, 2008
Albert
Hey Becky! Thank you very much
Feb 8th, 2008
Ryan
I just really wanted to thank you for writing this article. I been going through some tough times recently, as we all have, and I’m just so tired of putting the blame on myself for anything and everything that goes wrong. I always feel guilty and rarely feel happy- Even when I do feel happy I find some way to feel guilty. This article helped spread some new light on the issue. It taught me that there is a better way-to move on and stop living in the past. This is exactly what I needed. Thanks again for helping me out.
Ryan
Mar 5th, 2008
Albert
Hi there Ryan! Wow, it is fantastic to hear that you are making some progress on this issue. There is a part 2 to this series, please have a look at that. It might help some more. Good luck, I know you can make it!
Mar 5th, 2008
Vertigo Guy
I’d like to second Ryan’s thanks for writing this article — it’s often difficult to not blame yourself for things that happen, even when they are outside your control.
Even with things like an illness, it’s often tough not to think “did I do something to deserve this?” But such thoughts are just useless (as you said). It’s better to focus your energy on solutions, rather than blame.
Jul 6th, 2008
Albert
It never occurred to me that people feel guilty about becoming sick when I wrote this article, but the more I see the more I realise that people do blame themselves for all kinds of things out of their control.
Jul 8th, 2008
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