A Guide to Handling Guilt and Self Punishment
Guilt is the source of much sorrow; the driving force behind a constant mental whipping, a constant stinging. And from whom? Who holds the whip?
What is one to do? Is one helpless?
This series is not to say one should abandon all guidelines for behaviour, or that we should not follow our conscience. Reparations, the power to change and improve - these are all actions that are done best without the torment of self-imposed shame, and that is what the series aims to promote.
The First Step
The first step is to recognise our feelings of guilt. For many, this section might seem stupid, superfluous, but it isn’t. Guilt is insidious, stealthy and cunning. Guilt is a thief in the night, one that has taken up residence in your home, so skilfully that sometimes you can’t recognise it.
I remember the first time I encountered a racist; my age was barely in the double digits and my self esteem was fragile. I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when a man walked up to me and began spitting, swearing, wildly gesturing. I was too stunned to respond; I stood there in silence until he finished and walked off.
The event weighed heavily on my mind for many years. I didn’t know what I was feeling; it was just a constant replaying of the event in my head. I felt inferior; I felt angry; I felt scared. And one day, I suddenly realised that I was blaming myself for the attack. I hated myself for not being strong enough to stand up to him, and worst of all, I felt I was somehow at fault; somehow I had deserved what had happened to me.
How preposterous, one might think! But it is not uncommon; a friend who works as a psychologist has told me many survivors of childhood abuse blamed themselves. To a young child, their parents are almighty. How can a perfect being be wrong? If their parents were abusing them, they must have been at fault, not the abuser.
And that realisation dropped me into a more subtle trap – I began to feel guilty about feeling guilty.
Take a Moment
Close your eyes, become still, and welcome any thoughts and sensations into your awareness. Is there anything that you have not forgiven yourself for? Bring to mind a person or an event that still carries an emotional charge. Then follow it back to the root. You might be surprised at what you find, for you might be feeling guilty without even knowing what it is.
How does one change what they don’t even recognise, what they don’t even know exists?
We Were Helpless
The second step is to realise that we were helpless. There was nothing we could do; we were not in our own hands, merely dragged along by the force of our past.
This recognition could be enough to drop the self-flagellation. If it doesn’t, at the very least it gives us permission to heal, to take the next step and let go of the pain.
Welcome the pain, feel the sorrow completely without necessarily acting on it. Relax into your sorrow; find compassion for yourself; and let the shame go. Emotions are the wind; we are the flute. Unblock the passage; let the shame be there, and you’ll find that it will leave you soon enough. That is all it takes. And yet we fight it, deny it, pretend it doesn’t exist – and that keeps us blocked, weighs us down.
Penetrating the Memories
There is a quiet meditation I have developed on my own; I’ve found it tremendously helpful for four things.
The first is to find the root of the problem. The second is to see for yourself the strength of the forces that were pulling you at the time. The third is to dissolve the emotion of guilt. The last, and perhaps the most important, is to prepare for the future, to make it easier to catch your pattern the next time it threatens to overwhelm you.
We’ve discussed this meditation in the first part of this series – it is simply to relive and recreate the original situation in your mind.
Take a few minutes for this. Find somewhere quiet and penetrate your memories. Relive the event as vividly as you can. Visualise it – what was happening then? Recreate the external situation, down to the finest detail. What was happening? What triggered it, what led up to it, what did you do in response?
And this is perhaps the most important step: turn your attention to your inner space. What were you feeling, what were you thinking? What triggered your actions? What contributed to it? We’ve discussed this in the first part of the series: your beliefs, your knowledge, your mental-emotional state – even external conditions like the heat and humidity have their part to play in deciding what you did.
Watch, analyse, feel. Go deeply into your unconscious. A journal will also be helpful.
Finding the Root
Use your guilt as a tool to penetrate yourself, to find the origin of your behaviour.
You give your opinion on a minor topic, and someone disagrees politely and respectfully. And yet you fly into a rage. Why? Is your opinion that important? Or is it something else?
I used to know someone like that; she told me she was invisible as a child. No one cared about her opinion; in her own words, “no one gave a damn about what she wanted.” Her entire childhood was spent as a shadow, and the shame had taken over her adult life.
Follow your behaviour to the root, and heal that wound. It will mean the end of your unskilful behaviour.
The Strength of the Unconscious
The second benefit: During the contemplation, you’ve gone some way towards recapturing the force of your emotions, your patterns, and the circumstances that led up to it. Combine that with this truth: No mental image can come close to recreating the pull that you felt at that time.
The truth is reinforced in your mind, and there will be an even greater relief: given what you knew, you could have done no better.
Releasing the emotions
The third benefit: We’ve discussed how feeling the emotions completely are the key to letting them go. This meditation helps tremendously in releasing the emotions you were feeling then; not merely the guilt you felt about it afterwards. This weakens the very patterns themselves, which prepares us for the next step.
Intimacy with your conditioning
The most important benefit: Psychologists and spiritual teachers alike state the key to changing our conditioning is to become aware of it as it arises.
How do we stop something we don’t recognise? First become intimate with your patterns, know what triggers them, analyse how they feel, remember the thoughts and emotions that lead up to your actions.
Delve into it and watch it, feel it from every angle. The more you do this, the easier it is to catch your unconsciousness when it is next triggered.
Mindfulness: The Key to Transformation
Emotional Intelligence is defined as “the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.”
The Buddhist practice of mindfulness has been tremendously helpful in my life. Constantly check inside yourself – ask yourself this question: What is going inside me? What am I thinking, what am I feeling?
When you first begin this practice, you might be shocked. So much tension in your muscles, ragged breathing, an unruly and obsessive mind, a background feeling of sadness or anger…
As Daniel Goleman said in Emotional Intelligence
Awareness is the key to transformation and control. For most people, this change might be slow. Old patterns might still arise, for emotional intelligence does not come overnight. But the moment you have become aware of it, the change has begun.
Overcoming your self-defeating behaviours
Someone makes a snide comment; immediately you feel your anger take over. You leap to your feet, you pound the table with all your might, and you begin to scream in rage. Awareness might only come afterwards, a dawning realisation – “Oh no, I’ve done it again.”
But as you practice, awareness begins to arise sooner, interrupting your patterns at earlier points. You might catch yourself with your fist in the air, and stop it before it hits the table. The next time it happens, you might catch yourself just as you jump to your feet, and stop before you go any further. Soon you might catch the anger as it begins, even before it has taken over your actions.
It is important to note that one shouldn’t fall back into self-blame. Buddhist teachers call your past actions and thoughts unskilful; as distinct from wrong. Skill comes with experience; unskilfulness is therefore a result of inexperience and a lack of proper learning. Wrongness is twisted; a lie that we are somehow fundamentally flawed, somehow evil.
When you catch the past, simply breathe. Pause, and breathe. It is also helpful to have prepared an alternative. A simple example would be someone who wants to give up smoking – every time she feels the urge to smoke; she pauses, calms her feelings with a few deep breaths, and reaches for a pack of gum instead.
Out of the hundreds of books on this topic, I would recommend two: Self-Defeating Behaviors
Combine this with some emotional work, and burn up the pattern before it has the chance to arise.
Making Reparations
Being free of guilt does not mean that suffering and pain was not caused. Very often, some form of reparation is needed. You might have hurt someone; do your very best to fix things and make amends.
Byron Katie told a story once; I forget the exact details. A man had stolen from a retail shop in his past, but he was never caught. How was he to make amends? He tried going back and simply paying for the items he had stolen, but they said the accounting system would show an error for such a strange action. And so he came up with a brilliant solution – he returned to the store, and made several purchases. But after he made payment, he placed the items back on the shelves, walking out empty handed.
True courage is living your change completely.
Link Love
Not really a link love, but I recently saw a few visitors coming in from Spiritual Zen. It is a site that ranks Spiritual Development blogs, and I’m tied for the top spot! I’m guessing you guys have something to do with it, so thank you so much!
Yang Town is a blog by Ryan Randolph, which is targeted towards spirituality, self-improvement, and dating advice for men. It is one of my new favourites, and despite the name, women will stand to benefit from much of his material too. A recent example is The Difference between Love and Neediness.
Deb_Inside give you a peek into the inner mind of someone on the life path of awareness. Her posts are filled with gentle wake-up and stay awake nudges. She also sprinkles in something near and dear to her heart, military support. Deb is an Air Force Mom and Air Force Mother in law to her son Vince and his wife Dana.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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28 Comments, Comment or Ping
Jon Willis
Good morning Mr Monk,
I haven’t read your full article yet - i’m going to print it out digest it - I will use the article to dissolve my guilt at using yet more paper instead of reading things on screen
As you know (I think) - I’m a huge fan of Byron Katie’s The Work and it is very useful for letting go of guilt - realizing that what I think should or should not have happened is ‘just’ a story (even a very convincing one).
Also, the story you mention is accurate - and it is one of her sons that has done this with The Gap.
With love and thanks - I am in awe of your ability to write coherent, thoughtful pieces!
Jon
Jan 30th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Jon! Printing out my articles is one of the best compliments you can pay me, thank you!
I’m a big fan of The Work too, and got a lot of benefit from it. Thanks also for confirming the story - I couldn’t double check it, as I lent my copy of the book to my friend, who hasn’t returned it, heh.
Jan 30th, 2008
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul
Hi Albert,
I’m really enjoying this series! One thing that comes to mind is that we also have to, somewhere along the way, admit to ourselves that the self-imposed guilt somehow served us. Perhaps guilt was a way to motivate ourselves, or protect ourselves, or protect the memory of a loved one, such as, like you mention, an abusive parent. We do, after all, play a part in our own guilt. So a very healing action is to thank our guilt for its service in our lives. It worked for us, for a time, or we wouldn’t have played a part in creating it. Now obviously, it has become a limitation - but we can still thank this shadow part of ourselves for trying its best to keep us safe and whole. We can lovingly tell the guilt that its services are no longer necessary, that we’re okay without it. It’s a gentle way of releasing a negative pattern that fits in very nicely with what you’re saying about root cause and awareness.
Blessings,
Andrea
Jan 31st, 2008
ReddyK - The Atma Jyoti Blog
Albert,
I think you make some excellent points in your article. Particularly that mindfulness is the key to transformation. Without mindfulness we cannot come to discern the causes of our miseries. And with out such discernment, we cannot eliminate or deal with those causes skillfully.
Also, your point about reparation is important. If we have done something amiss, and it is in our power to correct it, we will not get rid of the guilt feeling, as much as we may try. For our conscience will keep bringing it up until all is rectified. And killing the messenger (our conscience), rather than examining the message (the guilty feeling that something is wrong) will only drive the problem deeper.
Also, using the intelligence to master the emotions is a very important point, whether on a more mundane level or a deeper spiritual level.
As we discussed in our correspondence, it is almost impossible to write something which someone will not misunderstand. My discomfort with the theme of guilt is that some will take you to mean that we should not have a sense of guilt, that conscience is a bad thing, that wrong-doing should not be acknowledged. This would be an absurd interpretation of your words, but many people would love encouragement to kill that “still, small voice” which tells them there is a higher standard which they should strive for.
On another subject: 1279 subscribers! Congrats.
Jan 31st, 2008
Deb Estep
Albert,
There is no doubt that guilt can be paralyzing to one’s
emotional well being. The quiet meditation that you’ve share
is certainly one that would be a benefit, and one that would need
to be revisited frequently. Especially if the guilt has been a part
of a person for a long time.
GREAT yummy comment Jon on printing to further digest
And a heartfelt ~Thank You~ for the link love …. LUV !!!
xo xo
Deb
Jan 31st, 2008
Stephen Hopson/Adversity University
Albert:
First, congratulations on your subscriber level - that’s awesome! 1279 subscribers!!!!
I enjoyed this article because I can relate to the concept of making ourselves feel guilty for whatever reasons. We feel guilty for not taking appropriate action or saying the right thing or whatever it is we were supposed to do. Note I said, “supposed to do.”
Who makes these rules?
I’d like to propose that I think the reason we make ourselves guilty is because we allow man-made rules to shape our lives. And if we break or bend them, what happens? We feel bad, feel guilty. I’m not saying rules don’t serve a purpose - they do but to a certain extent. But I think we have let rules run amok to the point where we won’t allow ourselves to be who God intended us to be - people with a true sense of freedom who feel they can do what their hearts tell them to do instead of being boxed in by man-made rules, some of which are ridiculously outdated.
So why not tell so-called experts to take a hike and do what we need to do? Guilt free, of course. Har, har, har.
You did a nice job with this article. Guilt affects all of us regardless of who we say we are to the public. I loved how you ended with the idea of doing some meditation. In fact, I’m going to do that RIGHT NOW.
Jan 31st, 2008
Albert
First of all, thanks to you all for the comments! I love having you all here!
@ Andrea: I always enjoy the way you choose to heal, Andrea. I used the free report you had on your blog a while back, and it was great how you encouraged readers to explore the roots of their old patterns.
@ Reddy: Hey mate! Yes…the possibility of misunderstandings really weigh heavy on my mind as I write these days, so I check and recheck - one of the reasons I take longer to make a new post these days. Your concern is very valid, I think I will find some way to work it into this post. I rely on intelligent, insightful readers like yourself to point out the holes in my material, thank you.
@ Deb: Thanks, let me know if you do try it and if it does anything for you!
@ Stephen: Thanks Stephen! You raise some fantastic points, as well. Where is the line between following our conscience / not hurting someone, and recognising that we have been subjected to unrealistic rules for behaviour? Would love to hear what you think.
Jan 31st, 2008
Evan
Hi Albert,
A few comments.
Firstly I really appreciate the depth and consideration of your posts.
2. Guilt and shame seem close together for you. I think they are quite different. Guilt being directed to failing against our own ideals and shame being not living up to other’s ideas.
3. Mindfulness is of course hugely important - what we can’t be mindful of we can’t set about making deliberate change too. However change does come about unconsciously. This is sometimes regarded negatively but I don’t see why it should be.
4. Right and wrong are tricky. For instance: why is skilfullness better than not being skilful. Why is it wrong to fall back into self-blame? Because it feels bad? But in that case it is good to feel good. I’m not quarreling with this - just pointing out that our value judgements tend to get smuggled in.
I don’t want this to be seen as questioning the value of this procedure. I think it is hugely valuable and important. It is the thinking behind/around these things that gets so messy I think. This is not the first concern, but it does have some validity in my view.
Thanks for a profound post, Evan
Jan 31st, 2008
suicidalsam
thanx a lot for writing and publishing this article. it really helped me a lot.
keep posting these kind of articles.
Jan 31st, 2008
Albert
@ Evan: Hey there! I really enjoy your comments, they really give me a lot to think about and improve on. Let’s see if I can tackle your points one by one…
1. Thanks
2. You’re right…I’m not a linguist, I just got bored of typing guilt guilt guilt all the time, so I mixed it up by calling it shame. Heh.
3. Yes, change does happen unconsciously, and that’s not bad in itself. Sometimes unconscious change can make things worse, I believe. If we have a choice, we might as well go for conscious change.
4a. Why is skillfulness better… I guess it is just a matter of being in control of your actions. Do your actions match your own morals and values, or did the force of your past take over?
4b. Good point. Self-blame is just another word for guilt for me, although I could be wrong. It feels bad, it wastes time and energy. And as we have discussed, a negative inner space is not the best condition to be making changes with, a state of peace is always better.
@ Suicidal Sam: Thank you for stopping by, mate!
Jan 31st, 2008
JW
I definitely liked this post because it is so articulate and helpful! Until I read one of your other posts, I had always held myself accountable to my past wrongdoings. Everytime that happened, I felt myself whipped again and again. I’m very glad that I’m subscribing to your blog. Thank you!
Btw, do you create your own pictures?
Jan 31st, 2008
Albert
Thank you JW! I’m glad I’m helping. I chop and change the pictures around if that’s what you mean, but I don’t take them myself, I get them from various stock photo websites around the internet.
Jan 31st, 2008
Liara Covert
Its great how you empower people to rethink how they initially perceive negative emotions. After all, as you point out, they offer opportunities for deeper self-understanding. Although people will often instinctually repress and avoid dealing with negative feelings, you underscore the value of doing so and include how every action we undertake is meaningful.
Jan 31st, 2008
Albert
Thank you Liara
Your comment that every action is meaningful is brilliant. I immediately thought of a Zen saying I’m fond of: “The snow falls, each flake in its perfect place.”
Jan 31st, 2008
ReddyK - The Atma Jyoti Blog
Albert,
I want to thank you for including a link to Spiritual Zen. I think this will prove a valuable resource.
Congratulations on your top ranking.
Feb 1st, 2008
Albert
Thank you Reddy, the ranking must have moved up! There are some amazing blogs in that list, and I’m proud to be a part of it.
Feb 1st, 2008
Tina Su
Hi Albert,
Great suggestions and thank you for the insight. You are so right, the first step is in recognizing it.. then we can do something about it. What I found most helpful in my own life is bringing awareness into the situation, intensifies the feelings and observing it.. observing how it effects my body, where the feeling goes, where it arises…. And through observing it, it will slowly dissipate.
Love,
Tina
Feb 1st, 2008
Albert
Thank you for the comment Tina. Yes observation of the guilt is truly one of the most powerful things anyone has ever taught me, I think this technique is slowly spreading and that’s great!
Feb 1st, 2008
Faith
Wow, I happened upon your blog by accident this evening but am thrilled. I can see I’m going to be spending hours here reading all your past posts.
I think I was particularly drawn to this article on guilt because currently I am struggling with ‘guilt’ myself - much of it comes from my daughter who is rather than accepting blame for her problems is dumping it all on me.
I’m printing your article out so I can read it over again in a quiet time and vow not to let this quilt control my life. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and encouraging others.
Feb 4th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Faith. Thank you for your compliments! I think you’ve just inspired a new post - I had some rambling notes on people who use guilt as a weapon, but wasn’t sure if I had enough to make a proper post out of it. I’m glad you’re spending time here, it’s a real vote that boosts my passion for this blog.
Feb 4th, 2008
Faith
Hey Albert - let me know if anything I can do to help on your article on quilt as a weapon. I’m in the middle of a huge war right now and have a ton of experience - of it being used on me.
Feb 5th, 2008
Albert
Hah, anything you can do to help would be awesome, how about a quick story of how it was used on you, how you dealt with it etc? That way I can interweave an example into my post or even use it as a basic structure for the entire post. Of course we can change the details etc, it is entirely up to you.
I really appreciate your offer, thank you.
Feb 5th, 2008
map of new zealand
I just found your blog today, and I am amazed at how much here I have found beneficial! I have made a lot of what I call stupid choices in my life, and several things really have stuck with me in a negative way from this.
I tend to be very guilty and self-punish myself alot!
I would really be interested in hearing even more from you regarding self-defeating behaviours, and getting rid of them.
Feb 6th, 2008
Albert
Hey there, thanks for the comment. I have a whole series half written on changing behaviours but it will be a while before it is ready, sorry. Check out those two books if you want to know more, though, they’re really good.
Feb 6th, 2008
Olivier -motivaider user
I agree with others here that mindfulness is indeed the key. How can we dissolve any negative emotion if we do not see them first?
Traditional psychology also sees this in some way; but strangely only very few seem to set the step further to mindfulness.
Mar 23rd, 2008
Albert
Thanks Olivier - yes traditional psychology is now slowly starting to take from Buddhist concepts and is incorporating mindfulness into many of its workings. Thanks for stopping by!
Mar 23rd, 2008
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