Change your thoughts and change your life – The Art of Cognitive Reframing
We never, ever, see the world as it is. Our awareness – our beliefs, past conditionings, upbringing, the list goes on – these distort everything we see. They creep into every interpretation and misinterpretation.
This is obvious; you must have seen it for yourself. The same person can elicit very different reactions, wildly varying feelings in a crowd of onlookers. One man looks at a beautiful woman; he feels a sense of yearning. Another sees a potential new friend, and yet another shies away – he will never be good enough for her.
One of the most painful misinterpretations lies in self-perception. How do you see yourself? Realistic self concepts are rare, but a negatively distorted perception ruins lives. Weaknesses are magnified, assets and strengths are ignored. We have a tendency to compare; this leads to low self-esteem; a strong feeling of inadequacy and constant unhappiness.
A low self-esteem is the proverbial ball and chain; it drags you down in almost every area of your life – from your romances and your relationships to your work, your ability to achieve your goals.
This is a mixture of techniques that has worked tremendously well – it is based on cognitive psychology, with a touch of Zen.
Self-Concept Inventory
Bring to mind an issue, something that is holding you back or causing you fear and sorrow. Perhaps it is your physical appearance; perhaps it is the way you relate to others. It could be something in the way other people see you, a part of your sexuality. It could even be your performance in your school or work.
Find a journal, and begin writing. Write down the positives and the negatives in as much detail as you can. Be honest, be deep, and don’t censor yourself. Let it all pour out unto the paper.
An example: you might be feeling insecure about your physical appearance. So write down everything about it – your style of dress, your facial features, specific body parts, skin, height and weight.
The next step is to begin to organise it. On a fresh sheet of paper, dig out each description and write them on a new line. Mark each description appropriately: a + sign for the positive, a – for the negative.
Some Examples
Here are a few random personal examples, taken from a wide area of possible topics:
- [-] Physical: Too tall, potential dates feel intimidated.
- [+] How I relate to others: Good listener.
- [-] Work: Very bad with accounting and record-keeping.
- [-] Personality Traits: Too sensitive, emotionally weak and easily hurt.
Examining our weaknesses
The first thing we have to realise is that there is no such thing as perfection. Everyone has flaws, imagined or real. The problem lies not in having flaws, but in using them to attack ourselves, in giving them more power and attention than they deserve.
Our self-inventory are unlikely to be accurate; examination is vital – seeing facts for what they are is refreshing, empowering. Find a fresh sheet of paper, and begin to revise your weaknesses with these rules, taken from Self-Esteem
- Remove all negative labelling. A friend was condemning himself, calling himself a loser because his business wasn’t making him much money. Such descriptions are painful; cut all such words from your description.
- Replace negative labels with accurate language. What are the facts? They are all you need – not the labels, not the insults. For instance, his business made a thousand dollars profit the last year. That is all he needs.
- Be as specific as you can. We often take one situation and generalise the effects across a wide spectrum. He had generalised a perceived failure in business, seeing as a reflection of his totality, his entire value. He had ignored everything else in condemning himself – his family, his friends, his personal growth – that makes up his life.
- Find exceptions. Sometimes we generalise in a different direction – deeper instead of wider. A failure in one business might be taken to mean a guaranteed failure in all future ventures, causing him never to try again.
- Find corresponding strengths. Very often, there is something positive to be found in an event or personality trait, one that we have ignored by focusing on the negative. What is it?
Reframing Sensitivity
It might be helpful to see an example; so let’s have a look at a personality trait: Too sensitive, emotionally weak and easily hurt.
The first step was to remove the negative label – emotionally weak. It was a label, a criticism, and not a statement of facts. It served no real purpose. The other two were closer to descriptions of reality, so they stayed.
Too sensitive, easily hurt.
Next, I rewrote it to be as accurate as possible. I investigated – why did I start calling myself easily hurt? I realised I was quite sensitive to criticism; one comment could stay in my head for days and weeks.
Too sensitive to criticism, easily hurt by it.
Next was specificity. Was I sensitive to every negative remark? No, I handle constructive criticism very well. In fact I welcome it. Abuse by someone who had done it in the heat of the moment doesn’t affect me very much either – I understand how wild emotions could lead to words one doesn’t mean. Calculated attacks cut me the most.
Sensitive and easily hurt by calculated attacks.
Last, and most important, was to find exceptions and strengths. I had taken many attacks to heart and brooded over them for days; but there were also times I didn’t.
I also found corresponding strengths. I had considered being sensitive a weakness, but it carried many benefits – in social situations, it put me at a distinct advantage. Some have said it helps me in my writing; others have said it is a blessing once I achieve my career goal of being a counsellor.
Sensitive and easily hurt by some calculated attacks. But it helps in social situations, writing, and my future career.
In addition to this, I wrote down the specific instances and memories of exceptions and blessings.
Additional Examples
A reader might struggle to see how this applies to some of the other traits; it might be helpful to examine briefly another trait.
Before: Too tall, ladies feel intimidated.
After: I am 6 foot 4. One or two women in a crowd have been intimidated. There will be a few more in the future. But most have no problem with it; in fact, many will like the sense of security a tall man gives. There are also other benefits – in certain social situations, in leadership, and in many sports.
What a difference it makes! The effects of an unexamined label can be drastic. In my teens, I was so insecure about my height that it crippled me socially. One or two girls had been intimidated by my height; I took it to heart, and without examination, let the memories grow into a crippling label.
Understanding
Sometimes, a reframing and examination is not enough. Understanding will be helpful for the more painful labels.
A close friend was upset because he wasn’t doing very well after a few years of business; he was barely paying the rent. When I talked to him, I reminded him of what he had gone through in the past few years. He had gone through a nasty divorce; it had triggered severe depression and several bouts of anxiety. He had spent most of his income, energy, and time on mental health professionals, and was only recently well enough to dedicate more time to his business.
I walked him through the various steps, asking him to see his situation objectively. His competitors had begun their ventures the same time he had, but they were driving fancy cars, and that upset him. But he was still making a small profit; he was still paying the bills. It was therefore inaccurate for him to call himself a “failure”.
In fact, how could he blame himself? He should have been proud of having the courage to go through what he had gone through. It had been a tough few years, and he did extremely well considering the circumstances. Understanding is vital for deep sorrows; I have described it in more detail here. You might also like to read the guilt series – The Importance of Overcoming Guilt, and A Guide to Handling Guilt and Self-Punishment.
I also asked him what benefits he got out of it. He paused for a few minutes, and began nodding. “I’m far stronger emotionally now. I can handle things I could not handle before. I’m more compassionate, I connect better with people.”
“Can you see how this would make a positive difference in your future life and business?” I asked. He nodded silently, a slight smile on his face.
The emotional charge
This next step is one that regular readers will be familiar with, for I sing its praises all the time. But don’t let that put you off – loving and neutralising the emotional charge that accompanies your weaknesses is one of the most powerful steps you can take.
Your emotions underlie your thoughts; they are intimately connected. We’ve worked on the level of thoughts up to this point, to boost the speed of your internal change, work on the emotions as well.
This has been covered in detail in the emotional mastery series, but here is a quick summary.
Welcome the emotion, feel it completely without necessarily acting on it. Emotions are there to be felt. If we don’t feel them, instead trying to avoid them, run away from them, they just go deeper in our systems, showing up in other ways – aches and pains, addictions, influencing our behaviour. Just relax into it – the body might tighten up, so just keep relaxing. Feel it through the body, without thinking about it. Explore how it feels. Ride it out, and it will release its hold on you.
The first option is to heal the negative label directly; think of the weakness and heal how it makes you feel. The second is to go back in time. Find the first date that stood you up, the first time someone laughed at you for being overweight, and heal that pain.
Your New Description
The next step is to simply write up your new description of the situation or yourself. Many flaws and setbacks might still be there, but this new description is rooted in reality and not clouded by judgement, emotions or time.
This description, then, is something to be obsessed over. Read it constantly; think about it every chance you get. You might even carry it around in your wallet or purse. You could also leave it in prominent areas of your bedroom, your office - anywhere you spend a lot of time. Let this practice remove the misinterpretations that has been hurting you all this time.
Any time you are feeling down, turn to this new description. Heal and release the emotions your old description brings up.
Remembering the Exceptions and Strengths
The final step is to analyse the exceptions and the strengths. You’ve remembered the exceptions to your perceived weakness, their corresponding strengths. More importantly, we should focus on specific situations.
Take your time here, and dig up compliments, awards, and everything else you can think of. Write them all down, big or small. The reason for this is simple: many brains are wired to remember the negative and forget the positive. Our self-image, our very happiness – they are then created around our negative distortions.
For instance, I have always thought of my teenage self as shy and awkward around the opposite sex. Certain painful memories reinforced that image – I had latched onto the negative and distorted them so that they seemed to represent my entire past. Upon investigation, I began to recall many positive experiences with the ladies – in fact, they numbered more than the negative.
There might be discomfort at this step; many of us will have been raised to be humble. People tend to respond negatively to those we see as boastful or proud. But it is perfectly fine to blow your own trumpet in private – it is healing to your self-esteem.
Contemplating the Exceptions and Strengths
Meditate on this – close your eyes and repeat the benefits and strengths; relive these instances. Feel them.
Write down these instances in the same way you’ve written down your realistic view of your weaknesses. Read them, obsess over them. There is no major difference in the way we’re handling these and the way we handle our weaknesses; we’re giving them extra attention.
These forms of affirmation and contemplation are different from wishful thinking, building castles in the air. We are not imagining a false reality – we are basing them on reality, specific memories and instances.
Try it for yourself, and see if it doesn’t make a change in your life.
Link Love
Isabella Mori runs a unique blog, Change Therapy, on issues like mental health, addictions, psychotherapy, social issues, and Buddhism. The blog itself is highly recommended, but she was also interested in social media and how other bloggers participated.
Isabella is asking for some of my thoughts on the social media site named Twitter. I have an account there; I signed up many months ago, used it for a few minutes, and never returned. Sadly, that’s all I can contribute. I’ve never been interested in social sites like MySpace, Facebook and the like. I have accounts but only because everyone was sending me emails to sign up.
As a nice coincidence, Wellsphere is a social site that recently contacted me. It seems to be worth a look. Like most others it is free, and while I haven’t explored it properly, it is focused on health (mostly physical), personal development, and also promises goal-tracking services, networking, and other such goodies.
Leo Babauta, founder of Zen Habits, has started a new blog, Write to Done. It’s a blog with the quality you’ve come to expect from him, and is completely focused on writing and blogging. A recent post: 12 Blogwriting Tips for Building a Successful Blog.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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35 Comments , Comment or Ping
CatherineL
This is absolutely brilliant advice. It’s so easy to generalise when we have problems in one area and it can taint the rest of our lives if we’re not careful can’t it?
Thank you - I realise after reading this that I could do with doing some reframing too. Sometimes you don’t realise these things yourself, until you read something like this.
Feb 13th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Catherine! You’re fast, I just posted this! Definitely, I was laboring under many false self beliefs about my self and my life until I did this. It’s good to revisit this exercise once in a while, or we’d fall back into gross generalizations.
Feb 13th, 2008
PassionBasedLearning
Thanks for a great post Albert.
Regards,
Amir
Feb 13th, 2008
Alex Kay
This is great Albert - I’ll check back later and read it thoroughly. It deserves a second read!
Feb 13th, 2008
Albert
You’re welcome guys
Feb 13th, 2008
Jorge Cabaleiro
Very good post!
I have found very difficult to discover my deepest thoughts, these that you think that are so obvious. Beliefs are a powerfull tool, it is necesary to recognize them and change them if you don’t agree with them, but it is so dificult…
Feb 14th, 2008
Slade | Shift Your Spirits
Albert,
I went looking for a post (I thought) I had written about an exercise for giving these negative voices an official place to run freely on paper — and then burning it.
I can’t seem to locate it, but your post captures so many of those thoughts — this is brilliantly good stuff. (For what it’s worth, on my name/link above, I’ve offered another related article instead, called “How You Can Stop Feeling Like a Failure” )
Thanks for introducing me to this term “Cognitive Reframing” — I think this may very well be my mission statement distilled down to only two words…
Change your thoughts, change your life… Shift Your Spirits!
Feb 14th, 2008
Adam Alexander
I’ve adopted a couple of steps in learning a new mental skill… First, of course, I look at the skill and judge whether it would be appropriate for me to try. Then, if it’s a quick exercise (such as one that might be put into a weekly/monthly retuning session), I try it right away…
And what better place to try something new than in public where people can give me feedback and point me towards new ways of looking at things?
Here’s one of my main problems:
I procrastinate.
Reframing that, focusing on accuracy:
I procrastinate with daily tasks.
(Examples include the litter box. I swear, if I ever make cleaning that thing a lasting habit, I’ll have the power to rule the world.)
Looking for specifics:
I procrastinate with daily tasks when I don’t see an end to them, except when I am motivated by looking at the big picture, i.e., in the context of my future growth.
Looking at this, it seems like I enjoy doing something once… or for a little while, but if it is a maintenance task… one that needs to be done periodically, I have to enter a different mindset, focusing on how doing the task… or any similar task… will help me in the long run.
How did I do? (And, I’ll keep everyone posted on how I handle this new outlook on procrastination, don’t worry.)
Feb 14th, 2008
Pat R
Albert - thank you for all the information you packed into this post. You show us how to reframe our thoughts and to heal.
I like your title as it reminds me of a quote from Dr. Wayne Dyer in “The Secrets of the Power of Intention” where he says, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
Just to realize what a beautiful gift we have, our thoughts, and how we can use them to change our lives and the world is amazing.
Feb 14th, 2008
Evan
Hi Albert,
Excellent advice. I find most of us underestimate ourselves.
A problem with the metaphysics though. If we never see reality how can we perceive our illusions. This is a tricky conundrum - important though I think. There is a difference between re-labelling something and see something that we haven’t seen before (where the label can stay the same).
Feb 14th, 2008
Albert
Thanks everyone!
@ Jorge: I’ve found that journaling is one of the best ways to find these unconscious beliefs. Think of something you are struggling with, set aside some time, and write. Often you can keep asking, questions like “What do I want out of this”, “Why don’t I do it?”. The important thing is not to stop until you get a good answer. The temptation (perhaps fear of facing the subconscious) - is to stop after getting a superficial answer.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/129/f.....l-mastery/
@ Slade: Hehe, are you gonna adopt it? I love your current tagline though, not sure if I ever told you, but I got a good laugh out of it. That article you have linked to is a very comprehensive list and a very useful read.
@ Adam: I think you did perfectly! How does it help you, how does it feel? I’ve found it gives me more confidence and allowed me to stop beating myself up over perceived flaws…let me know how you get on.
@ Pat: Thanks - I haven’t really read much of Wayne’s work, but seems like I’ll have to check it out now. I’m very interested in all the perspectives on our thoughts.
@ Evan: Good point - there are many different opinions on this. Martin Seligman, the positive psychology guy, said something along the lines of (I can’t remember exactly) pessimists are actually realists, and optimists are the ones with a warped view. I think almost nobody sees reality as it is - everyone has some sort of distortion, however subtle. Unless you want to go down the path of eastern spirituality, (which is a bit off topic), what we can aim for is to find an empowering, optimistic distortion rather than one that weakens you, or at least one that doesn’t hurt.
Feb 14th, 2008
ReddyK - The Atma Jyoti Blog
Albert,
You are a yogi! The reframing scenario you speak of is a version of Swadyaya, an important aspect of Patanjali’s yoga system. Swadyaya is often erroneously translated study of the scriptures, but is in reality self-study, a close objective examination of what we call us, our thoughts and emotions, etc.
It is a metaphysical fact that what our minds constantly dwell on shape what we become. If we fix our minds on our faults, we feed them. If we dwell on our potentials, they manifest. And if we focus our attention on God, or our Buddha Nature, or however we wish to frame it, then…
Today you are a yogi, tomorrow, a Yogiraj, a king of yogis!
Feb 14th, 2008
Albert
Hey Reddy! Cool, I’m a yogi! Hehehe! It’s so fascinating how all these different ways and schools of looking at the mind, from ancient traditions to modern psychology have so many similarities, just with different language. Perhaps those academics are just reinventing the wheel, when the answers are already in the ancient texts… hehe.
Feb 14th, 2008
JW
Thanks, Albert. That was a truly deep and provocative post!
Feb 14th, 2008
G.W.
What if you have a deep flaw in your personality that is shameful to examine, creates unending anxiety and that thinking about it brings about waves of humiliation so overwhelming that escapism is all you can do?
Feb 14th, 2008
Albert
@JW: Thank you
@GW: I have never experienced that, so I’m not sure. If it is that serious, a mental health professional might be helpful.
Feb 14th, 2008
Lori@betweenusgirls
Albert,
Great article. I could really relate to your processing of being overly-sensitive and how our perceived weaknesses can also be strengths depending on the situation. That is very true. Being quite sensitive myself and also having been trained as a mental health counselor, I can assure you that this weakness/strength will be an asset in your career. It gives you the ability to be sensitive to the feelings of others and to achieve a greater level of empathy as a result.
Your blog is terrific. I am rather new to the blogging world and I am learning little by little how to build up and improve my blog. I look to several blogs for inspiration and ideas and yours is now definitely one of them. I think you have visited my newbie blog, but maybe your readers would take a peek and offer me some feedback/criticisms? I’m at http://www.betweenusgirls.info for anyone who is willing to give me a look. Albert, I know you are busy but if you wouldn’t mind, a brief critique or some helpful hints would be appreciated. Thanks. I look forward to more great writing and information on your site!
Feb 15th, 2008
Palehorse
Very good stuff here. I’ve been writing about similar stuff lately, and this has influenced my thinking. Three thumbs up!
Feb 15th, 2008
Albert
Thank you very much both of you.
@ Lori: I’ll check out your blog and make comments via email or your own comment system
@ Palehorse: glad it helped!
Feb 15th, 2008
Liara Covert
The title is fantastic even before I get to the content. It also happens to be the title of Wayne Dyer’s latest book which has the subtitle, “Living the wisdom of the Tao.” As we contemplate our perceived strengths and weakenesses, this is a step in our journey to move beyond judgement and reconnect with the Source that weminds us we’re already complete.
Feb 15th, 2008
Albert
Hey Liara, I always appreciate your words of wisdom. I’ve seen Wayne’s book in the bookshelves, I guess the title stuck in my subconscious mind and influenced the title of this post. I knew I had seen it before somewhere, hah.
Feb 16th, 2008
Lainie
Good post, but wow, look at your own assumptions: “One man looks at a beautiful woman; he feels a sense of yearning. Another sees a potential new friend, and yet another shies away – he will never be good enough for her. The woman to her right sees her as competition, the woman on her left looks upon her with envy.”
Does it even begin to occur to you that a woman might also see a potential friend in another woman? We are not all competing with each other for you. Call me too sensitive, but it’s insulting that you assume women are out to compete with or be threatened by or envy every other woman.
Feb 17th, 2008
Albert
Hey Lainie, apologies for that. I didn’t mean it that, I couldn’t cover every possible scenario possible, so I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. I’ll go change it now
Feb 17th, 2008
Lori@betweenusgirls
Hey Albert,
I thought of you today at church - don’t panic! - I’m a Unitarian Universalist…we don’t believe in pushing our religion…heck, we can barely be considered religious ourselves!
Anyway, the minister was discussing a book he had read by a Buddhist nun (can’t remember her name). She was discussing experiencing our own pain and learning from it rather than running from it. The minister agreed that analyzing our own painful experiences and attempting to learn from them, not only helps us, but it makes us more compassionate people who are better able to empathize and help others.
It made me think again of your comments as to your own sensitivity and how grappling with it might later help you to help others. I think that it will, and apparently, I’m not the only one! I just thought that it might help you to have yet another person validate your thoughts and feelings on that subject.
Oh, one other thing. I have thought about writing a book for the last couple of years that I was going to call “Change Your Mind, Change Your Life.” Sound familiar? Wayne Dyer beat me to it…that’s what happens when you think about writing instead of actually doing it! Oh well, at least great minds think alike even if they don’t do alike.
Feb 18th, 2008
Kelly @ Small Business Guru
Albert,
This is an extremely well thought out and well researched article. Very deep stuff. I like this particular way to frame perceived weaknesses. I also have to say I always loved Marcus Buckingham & Donald O. Clifton’s ‘Now Discover Your Strengths’. While written more for business productivity the ideas are pretty compelling — basically saying….don’t wring your hands on your weaknesses. Focus on what you do well and exploit those strengths to their fullest.
Feb 18th, 2008
Albert
@ Lori: Hah, no panic here. I’m just happy to hear that my writing is touching people of all schools of thought. I was slightly worried I might be alienating some readers with my focus on the eastern traditions…
More importantly, I’m very touched that you would think of me and that I mean more than just a blogger or some impersonal bunch of words on a screen. Thank you so much for the added support, it means a lot
@ Kelly: Thanks, glad that you liked it
I’ll have to add that book to my reading list then, I’m not a very good business type person.
Feb 18th, 2008
Galba Bright of Tune up your EQ
Hello Albert:
I enjoyed your article. It reminds me of the power of the words that we use. By being more accurate in our use of language (and less emotive), we can become more compassionate with ourselves. The positive psychology writers talk a lot about the power of reframing. It’s an importance concept in emotional intellligence. It helps people to adjust to and initiate changes in their lives.
Feb 22nd, 2008
Albert
Thank you Galba! Yes I am now a big fan of reframing, I’ve been applying it to my personal issues for the past few days and it does make a tremendous difference. I’m glad you’re here again!
Feb 22nd, 2008
jWells - Advanced Life Skills
Nicely put Albert,
It seems that once established, there is a tendency to accept our own negative beliefs about ourselves without questioning them. I have found that asking questions about the validity of a negative belief is an effective way to create doubt about it.
Once we introduced doubt into the equation, the belief loses much of its emotional credibility and becomes venerable to reason. This in turn helps to pave the way for the process you suggest.
Feb 28th, 2008
Albert
Hey Jwells thank you for that addition
It is definitely a very useful addition to the process.
Feb 28th, 2008
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