Our entire lives, we have been thinking – things happen, and we simply respond. External events are in control, other people are in control – they make us feel sad, they make us feel happy, they make us scream and shout and cry and jump.
But events do not, in themselves, determine the way we feel, the way we behave.
It is the way we see the event – our internal beliefs, thoughts, and the meanings we give it – that decides our emotions and our actions.
You can see this in a simple example. Coco has been desperately trying to get her husband to pay attention to her. But to her dismay, he is deeply engrossed in his work; he brushes her off with an irritated look on his face. Does she get angry? How rude! Does she get devastated and think about divorce? He doesn’t love me at all, if he can’t even spare me five minutes!
Perhaps she shrugs and brushes it off. Everyone gets stressed at work; let’s see how he behaves after he’s met his deadlines.
Our external world is a reflection of our internal – our emotions, our thoughts. True change has to begin from the inside out; there is no other way.
Emotional work – releasing and healing the deeper levels of our being, has been one of the biggest discoveries in my own journey. And yet there are times it is too slow; there are some situations it cannot apply to. I have been using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques for a while now on smaller issues – quitting smoking, boosting self-esteem, reframing painful events – but I only just realised how powerful it was.
A few weeks ago, I fell into a relapse in my depression. Emotional meditation didn’t seem to work, I just couldn’t let it go. In desperation, I ran away from it. I tried drowning it in alcohol or cigarettes – it just made things worse. I turned to CBT – and was amazed to find that I began to recover after intense examination of my sorrows.
I think this post will be one of the important in this website. As a result, I’ve let it run on into one long post. I know it will be hard to read and time-consuming to put into practice. But I sincerely believe emotional work and mental work can improve every area of our lives. You can go from horrible to good, from good to better. My examples cover a merely a tiny sample of what is possible. Combine this series with the emotional mastery series, and I believe there is no area of our internal world that is left unexamined, unhealed.
None of this work can be seen as quick fixes; they take real commitment and perseverance – but the changes are drastic and well worth it.
The similarities between CBT and many spiritual traditions are striking – both agree that the larger the disparity between reality and what we think reality should be, the more suffering we have. The first step to mental mastery is to cease our inner resistance – to simply recognise the thoughts, and let the pain begin to fade away. Often times, this very act will be enough. Let the world be, accept our changes.
Let that be your first step. But for many, this might not be enough. Instead of ceasing the cognitions, we can change them, come to a different point of change.
The basis of CBT lies in the ABC model. The A represents the Antecedent – the triggering event; the B stands for our Beliefs– our internal cognitions, and the C represents the Consequences – our feelings and behaviours.
It is the way we process the Antecedent that leads to the Consequences. And yet these processes are often unconscious, automatic. They are so deeply a part of us that we often do not recognise their presence.
And yet, how do we examine a butterfly if we do not know it is there, if we cannot catch it?
And this leads us to the first step: self-examination. Gnothi Seauton, said the ancient Greeks – know yourself. It is rigorous, yet the most rewarding process we can undergo.
Knowing your thoughts is a skill that has to be developed. Many do not even recognise that we talk to ourselves. Just as our nose has been in our view for so long that we don’t see it anymore, so has our self-talk has been so deeply ingrained, that we don’t know it is there. It is from this blindness that we have developed the false belief that the A leads directly to the C.
Things are complicated when the self-talk is negative; many call such thoughts the voice of our internal critic.
Many times the critic attacks below our awareness – perhaps you walk into a room full of strangers, and you feel your anxiety begin to rise. Why? You don’t know – and most people leave it at that – just a feeling, and they act accordingly. What if you focus on it, analyse it? What might you discover? You feel insecure in your ability to make friends; you feel ugly; you feel like a boring person.
Some thoughts are easier to recognise. You slip up and make an inappropriate joke; and you slap your forehead – Damn! I’ve done it again!
A brief moment of self-examination. Think of something that recently created a negative feeling, no matter how small. What happened? What were you feeling? What were you thinking, or what caused your feelings? What were the consequences, what did you do?
Some might find this easy, others might find it hard. Yet persist. Peel away the layers, again and again, refusing to be satisfied with a superficial answer, refusing to be afraid at what you might find. Write down all you’ve discovered.
And another powerful exercise: Do the same for an imagined future. What are your fears and beliefs there?
An example: many of my past relationships have been with the same people in different skins – they always followed the same patterns. When I imagined my next relationship, I found many fears and safeguards against being lied to and being abused again. Yet these lead to defensive behaviours – the same behaviours that would in fact perpetuate my fears!
What would your challenging future situations be? A career change? A meeting with your spouse, your boss, an old enemy? People you find sexually attractive? A new relationship, if you are searching for one?
Carry this skill with you wherever you go – practice constantly watching yourself, especially in times of distress. Learn to recognise the thoughts and the beliefs that underlie your afflictive emotions.
Here are some examples of situations you might want to focus on:
You don’t have to save it for the bigger issues you are dealing with; very often minor situations could reveal underlying insecurities just as effectively.
A personal example might be helpful at this stage to illustrate the process. I began with the A and the C, and I relived the event to capture my self-talk. This was then summarised into the middle section.
Antecedent:
A large group dinner with people I am not familiar with, some of which are authority figures.
Beliefs / Thoughts:
I can’t speak to large groups; I would say something stupid and offend someone or embarrass myself. Irrational, because I don’t feel this fear in smaller groups. Such a thought could stem from a deeper insecurity: how interesting or boring a conversationalist I am, how “cool” my interests and life pursuits are, and so on. Another irrational belief would be that people in authority are somehow better than me. (Deeper beliefs will be covered in a future post.)
Consequences:
Feelings: Awkward, out of place.
Behaviours: Hardly spoke at all throughout the dinner.
Further feelings: Additionally, disapproved of myself for being “shy”, for falling back into giving way to authority figures.
The beliefs and thoughts took a while to analyse and recognise, for they were so automatic. All I felt at the time was a hesitance to talk, and a slight confusion as to why I felt shy. Again, I cannot stress enough the importance of practice if this step is hard for you.
At this point, it would be helpful to go into more information on the internal critic. When I first began to analyse my thoughts, I focused merely on my thoughts – but our internal worlds are far richer and more vivid than we realise!
Every part of our internal world bears a message. Realise that your internal critic, the killer of self-esteem, of courage and joy, comes in so many forms!
How would we analyse those? Another example might help. The memory is my most common form of self-attack. I’ve mentioned a man many times before; a client who tricked me into giving him a free draft in my design business and vilely abused me when he didn’t like what I’ve done for him. He hurt me deeply – I replayed his words daily, nearly every waking minute for several years.
It confused me, for I have suffered far worse betrayals and insults. Why was this wound bleeding, why did it refuse to heal? And one day I realised the truth: so simple, yet I had missed it for so long! He wasn’t abusing me – I was!
I had agreed with him without realising it. A piece of shit, he called me, and I agreed. He hung up on me, tossed me aside after using me, and I had unknowingly agreed with his unspoken message – that I didn’t deserve respect; that a favour for a complete stranger didn’t even deserve a “thank you”. That was my self-esteem, my self-image at the time. I agreed!
The entire two years, I have been letting my critic – disguised in his voice – call me a piece of shit; I’ve been living my life like one – it contributed significantly into my fall into depression.
Everything else – even fantasies and daydreams – are a treasure chest of self-knowledge. If it triggers a sense of discomfort – and pride is a negative emotion too – take note, and look deeply.
A similar process is described in this article, although it is more relevant to emotional work: Finding your core shames and pains.
Shelf-help: I cannot overstate the importance of doing this work. It is easy to get lazy; to leave these techniques on the shelf, never to be seen again. I came across CBT a long time ago, but worked at it half-heartedly for many months. A deep misery was required to truly motivate me; but I wish I had started earlier – I might not have fallen into the pit to begin with.
Too gimmicky: Another objection I had initially – I thought it all seemed too easy, too gimmicky, to be effective. This was the same reaction I had to emotional work, which later changed my life in ways I cannot describe. Similarly, CBT is a scientifically proven method, and I have used enough to say with confidence that you will get results if you put the work in.
Make it constant: Keep a journal in your pocket – capture your thoughts on paper at the earliest opportunity. Memory erodes, perceptions get distorted; time is always of the essence.
Mental work: We can’t do this mentally, at least not at the start, for our minds are where the distortions begin! Pen and paper is the surest method. Cutting corners or being lazy will only hurt you and slow your progress.
And someone might think – This requires a lot of work, free time to examine. What can I do when I am in the situation itself?
The simplest method is the Stop-Breathe-Leave.
Stop: Simply pause, to prevent your instincts from taking over. Many undesirable behaviours can be prevented simply by taking a few moments.
Breathe: Breathe deeply into the emotion, the discomfort. Emotions come with physical sensations and tensions – breathe into the sensations, relax your muscles, and let the emotions die out through your conscious acceptance.
Leave: Some situations might require you to take a moment to consider your options and collect yourself. You might then breathe until you feel calm, or you might take a moment to do some distortion and disputation work.
Another example might be useful at this point. A few months ago, I had a series of rude comments. I’ve never had any before, and I was shocked to receive three in as many days. They were unfounded; for example, one accused me of ripping off my writing style from an author I had never heard of. Another accused me of trying to trick readers into think I was a monk (after reading from my own “About” page I wasn’t, strangely enough).
These attacks were unprovoked and seemed cowardly to me; I felt very hurt and angry. A sampling of my initial thoughts included:
Feeling hurt and angry was probably a normal human reaction. But I realised a week later I was still stewing over it, and that my anger had long degenerated from the appropriate to the inappropriate. It had touched on some deep core sorrows – the same ones the abusive client had hit – but I also realised that much of my anger came from my sensitivity, and distorted thinking.
My new thoughts were very different from what they were originally; can you see the difference a mere few days makes?
Keep things in perspective, they always say. And I was losing perspective very quickly, overreacting very badly. I didn’t realise how far I had slipped until I emailed a close friend and he talked me through it. With his clear and compassionate perspective on the situation, it struck me how far from reality my cognitions had become.
What was the truth?
Armed with a more realistic view of the situation, I suddenly realised how silly I was being. Did I really consider a long break, or even to quit blogging, because of three comments?
And I have to apologise for adding that story to an already long post, but it serves a very important purpose. It shows that cognitive distortions, no matter how silly we might think they are, are very real to the person living them. I chose a relatively minor Antecedent on purpose; yet the distortions and consequences were rather big and disproportionate.
Please also note that I am not looking for compassion or support. I appreciate your sentiments, but I am not really bothered by rude comments anymore.
And this is also the start of compassion – for while I saw the attacks as unfounded, the commenters saw them as very valid. This realisation was the start of understanding, of compassion.
As you read through the example above, you might notice something interesting – and many CBT therapists hasten to add this point into their manuals – this is not a rediscovery of the “power of positive thinking”. Many forms of positive thinking involve trying to convince ourselves of something we believe is untrue. In my experience, and many will agree, that simply does not work.
CBT is rather about finding a perception that is as rational and realistic as possible. It does not gloss over the negatives, or pretend they don’t exist. We’ve acknowledged that people will hurt us, that disagreements and uninvited attacks will occur – but we do not give it power beyond what it really has.
Further Reading: The Danger of Positive Thinking.
With those two points in mind, it is time for the next step: recognising the distortions and finding out how to combat them.
Have you ever done something that you later regretted? That is a perfect example of the distortions disappearing naturally over time. We wake up and realise how silly we have been. Why not speed up this process, why not straighten out the distortions that time does not heal?
Every Cognitive Behavioural Therapy manual lists a few common distortions. I’ll list the most relevant from five or six different tomes, with my own interpretations and examples, with some ways to combat them.
We think in terms of pure genius or pure fool, saint or sinner, success or failure; there is no in-between. There are drawbacks to both ends of the distortion, but most of the time we end up on the negative. Why? The moment we make a mistake – and we will – we slip into seeing ourselves as a failure. You could see this in my example: if I can’t please every reader every time, I am a total failure and should stop blogging.
Disputing: The emphasis here, and on many other distortions, is on precision! Realise there are gradations in everything you do. An 80% success rate is just that – it does not mean you are a failure. There is no one who succeeds all the time, and no one who fails all the time. There is no black and white – there is a long line, shades of grey, and all of us are somewhere in that line. No shade of gray is worth more than another.
A lecturer told me once: a million white swans cannot prove all swans are white. All it takes is one black swan to disprove that statement.
This distortion focuses on the opposite – the one black swan, out of the million and one, and uses it to prove the statement: “All swans are black.” More than 2,000 comments to date and a grand total of 4-5 negative ones. This is less than 0.25%, yet I was reacting as if every commenter had been negative.
On a broader scale, overgeneralisation means a judgement spills over to other areas of life. If I failed as a blogger, I will fail in everything else – so why try? Does this sound absurd? Hardly – I have a friend who once saw himself as a failure in life when he realised he didn’t fix a leaking faucet properly.
Disputing: Realise that nothing is absolute. Mistakes are inevitable. Negative people, setbacks, will always be a part of life. Look at the entire situation with an unbiased eye; look for the good. Be specific and precise – 5 rude comments is all it is.
This distortion is very similar to overgeneralisation; the only difference is that it applies to labels. Based on one comment, I saw the reader as an absolute asshole. But he could have been a loving family man, a saint, for all I know. A more dangerous label applies to how we see ourselves. I was starting to label myself as a bad blogger. A far more pervasive – and painful – label, would have been to call myself a total failure in life. Many years ago, I had done the exact same thing over one broken relationship.
Disputing: The keys, once again, are truthfulness and specificity. Change “I am fat” to “I am 20 pounds overweight.” Change “I am a bad parent” to “I yell at my children whenever I am stressed.”
This revolves around the information we receive and the way we digest it. We filter out the good and look only at the bad. You are throwing a dinner party; the food was excellent the entire night, but suddenly you realise that your dessert has gone stale. Immediately you forget everything leading up to this point – you are a horrible cook!
Disputing: Once again, taking a step back and looking at the big picture; remembering to look closely at details. Yes, the job interviewer mentioned a mistake you made in answering a question; but perhaps you have forgotten how impressed he was at your other responses.
Remember the dinner party from above? Your boss is one of your guests – now, based on one bad dessert, he thinks you are a failure and you will never get your promotion! You will be toiling away at the lower levels of the company forever!
This distortion is a cousin to the mental filter – we magnify whatever negative event we focus on. Another example: I met a beautiful girl once who thought she was hideous because she didn’t have “enough curve” to her hips.
Disputing: Look at the big picture and at specifics – rationally analyse whatever happened, have a closer look at the outcomes. Is it really as bad as you think it is?
This can apply to events or people. We don’t know what will happen in the future, or what other people are thinking. Cole was rejected when he asked a girl out on a date; he automatically assumes – painfully – that he is hideous and unattractive. But what if she was genuinely busy, she already had a boyfriend, or she was just in a bad mood?
And this is the same for events: Cole’s car begins to rattle as he drives; does it automatically mean that it is going to explode?
Disputing: Realise that your guesses are simply guesses – they might not be right. Get some more information; it might shed light on the situation. Come up with alternative explanations for what happened.
You identify with your emotions – a very common mistake. You get a phone call – you have been rejected for another potential job. You feel worthless; you feel it is hopeless; that you will never find a job. You take your feelings for the truth, and decide to give up completely.
Disputing: Realise that you are not your emotions. You feel unworthy, ugly, stupid – yes; but it is just a feeling, one that passes. Your feelings don’t determine what you are.
Personalisation sees everything as a reflection on you; the universe revolves around you. Your car has broken down; it is your fault and you must have done something to deserve it. A friend walks past without saying hi; she must have done it on purpose to make you angry! Your child does not do their homework properly; you must be a bad father!
A commenter accuses me of something I have not done; it was more a reflection of his distortions. There is no realistic reason for me to feel guilt – and yet I did.
Comparing yourself to others is a good sign of this distortion too. She is smart, he is handsome – that’s them. Why bring yourself into it?
Disputing: Many actions are a reflection on the other person, many events are just general. You meet a stranger, he shouts at you, but he was just angry and you just happened to be in his way. Perhaps he hates everyone who has blue eyes – why take it as a reflection of your value?
This deserves a whole post in and of itself, but a brief description is needed here. This distortion revolves around “musts” and “shoulds”. People should always be polite. I must always be on time. I must always get good service from the guy who sells me lunch. Food should always taste good.
Disputing: Realise that the world is never set in stone. It would be nice if burgers always taste good, if people are always polite. But that will never happen, and accepting that will remove much of our anguish. Besides, it will be boring if everyone was nice and sweet all the time!
Control fallacies are split into two: One puts you in charge of the whole universe. You hold yourself responsible for everything that happens. You take responsibility for the bad behaviour of every guest at your party. It is your fault entirely when your wife comes home drunk again. Your husband falls and trips, you begin to apologise.
The second version puts everyone but you in charge. You lose your job – it is your manager’s fault. You spend too much money on a night out – it is the bartender’s fault. You break your diet – your colleague shouldn’t have been eating fried chicken, he put the idea in your head! They’re all teaming up to get you.
Disputing: Recognise that influence is not control. You have a part to play in your child’s grades, in your wife’s alcoholism. But ultimately they are in control of their own actions. It is the same the other way around. People can influence you, events can throw you off course, but you have to take responsibility for your own actions.
Once we have learnt to recognise the distortions, therapists recommend expanding the model to the ABCD model, where D is for Disputation.
This step involves installing a more rational and realistic manner of thinking. We talk back – dispute – the critical and negative self-talk that has invaded our minds. We take back control of our emotions and feelings.
Expand the journal you have been taking. Add two new columns: Distortions – which distortions have applied, and Disputations, a rational replacement for your beliefs. Again, this might take time to learn, as it is a new skill, but it is not as hard as it seems. Given time, it will become automatic.
A continuation of my rude commenter example:
Distortions and the relevant Disputations:
All or Nothing Thinking: A 0.25% negative comment rate is very impressive, given the experiences of other bloggers I have spoken to.
Mental Filter: What about the hundreds of emails that I have received thanking me for positive changes I have made in their lives?
Emotional Reasoning: Just because I felt that I would always be under attack doesn’t mean that I will!
Some might think: but this only applies to thoughts! How does this help us in the real world?
Learned Optimism
Our internal world determines how we respond externally. Jack’s daughter does not do well on her exam; he begins to feel like he is a failure as a father and that she is stupid.
He begins to wallow in self-pity, losing himself in alcohol. Perhaps he gives up trying to teach her; maybe he gets angry and gives her a spanking. What would that do for her future grades, her mental health, and family relations?
What if he found the cognitive distortions, and installed a more rational response? He might have realised he had filtered out the good things he had always done for her; that he was a good father after all. He might have realised that she wasn’t stupid – she was a child after all, and children do get lazy. Perhaps he realised he was magnifying the mistake – a failed exam wasn’t that big a deal.
Without the anger and clouded judgements, his actions will be far more positive, more productive.
Expand your journal again with yet another column. What ways could you energise yourself, what positive actions could you take?
Further Reading: Surrender and Joy in the Pursuit of Excellence.
To finish off the post, I would like to give an additional suggestion for disputing, taken from Self-Esteem
I was unknowingly using this a while back. I visualised myself – an older, calmer, and wiser version – talking compassionately and kindly to a young teenage boy who was going through the same troubles I am now.
Find your own image, or voice, one that works for you. It could be plain – a father figure, a mentor; or it could be fantastic – perhaps your favourite movie star, a superhero, a guardian angel. There is nothing to be ashamed of, let your imagination soar!
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.”
~ The Tao Te Ching
I hope this post provides a good overview of CBT techniques; a modern approach to knowing yourself by monitoring your own thoughts, and mastering yourself by taking back control of your internal world.
The first blog I’d like to highlight Brian Kim.Net. A popular personal development blog, and one that was a very supportive voice in my early days as a blogger. I’d really like to thank him. A recent post: Stop Keeping up with the Joneses.
The second blog I would like to highlight is Robert’s Reason-4-Smile Weblog.
“Do you have limitation? We all do, each of us is unique, with strengths and weaknesses. What you resist will persist, but what you befriend, you will transcend. Befriend your limitations, turn them into advantages, while you grow to be a better person.”
Last but definitely not least, is Cath Lawson’s Bold Advice for Business Success. A very well written blog, full of tips not just for business, but for writing, online marketing, and so much more. A recent post: Do you give up too soon?
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78 Comments
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Dear Al,
Another great post about being happier with life, and getting rid of all the negative vibes. More scientific than the usual spiritual ones, but me being a geek, I love it!
- CY
another great insightful article. have you ever thought of publishing a podcast. sometimes it is really hard to read your lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng articles.
Hi Albert,
thanks for the link love… not as what I have expected
yet, I appreciate it very much, thank you so much =)
Have a great day,
Robert
@ Cy: Thanks, glad you like the new psychological approach.
@ Sam: Haha, I have thought about making a podcast, but I can’t be bothered sometimes. I like writing so much more than I like speaking.
@ Robert: You’re welcome mate!
Great article.
CBT is awesome. I used the book “Mind Over Mood” (available at Amazon), which provides a very simple, easy-to-learn method for quickly learning and using CBT in your life.
One thing to keep in mind is to keep it simple. CBT is great but in my experience it is fairly limited in what it can do. I found it very useful for processing “incorrect” emotions such as anger and guilt, especially as they related to my depression, but it wasn’t very useful for dealing with the underlying issues that were causing my depression. For that I needed therapy. However, for the “why did he say that, he must really hate me” moments, CBT was a Godsend.
Hi Albert,
Sort of. There is more to our experience than what we are currently conscious of. We know this because we can become aware of something – such as hearing our name – that we weren’t listening for.
The question with CBT is how we can know reality. If our reaction is determined by our beliefs where is reality in the equation.
“CBT is rather about finding a perception that is as rational and realistic as possible.” How can we know this when the judgement is based on our feeling good – the consequences?
Then there is the ethical dilemma. If we can feel however we like about anything is this advocating that people feel delighted to be abused (a career in advertising beckons?).
I’m not saying that CBT is useless. It can be very useful – especially with phobias. But it’s underlying philosophy is trivial. And it is often neurotic – advice to get control of your emotions and so on. The idea that we can control ourselves by controlling our thoughts is simply not so: if it were this easy we’d all be in nirvana by now.
As to it’s effectiveness. It’s about as effective as any other therapy. As to the effectiveness of therapy – it’s to do with the relationship between the client and therapist: the theory they have doesn’t matter much.
Our thoughts are not nearly as sovereign as CBT makes out. Funny that it’s so popular with academics don’t you think?
Evan and Scott, thank you so much for your comments! I guess I have to qualify what exactly I’ve been using CBT with. Like you said, there are events and times where CBT is useful, but there are times when they don’t work at all. This is why I put in the section about the emotional work – I’ve found that a combination of those two, personally, have allowed me to overcome almost anything. Emotional Work is still my first preference, just that it takes quite a while and sometimes we need to take action now.
As mentioned, I saved CBT for the little things, but my eyes were only opened to what it can do when it got me out of a relapse into depression a while back. I guess a follow up post is in order, so thank you for voicing this out.
Evan, making our judgements based on feeling good is how many recommend using it, but I try not to as a matter of personal preference. I simply try to keep things in perspective – my anger at the rude commenter, for example, remained – because it had hit a few other issues. I also let myself have the appropriate hurt and anger – I doubt there would be many people who wouldn’t be upset by such comments.
But no longer was I contemplating quitting blogging, no longer was I going to implement a new comments policy and posting a strong warning to that effect, etc, etc. Those actions stemmed from inappropriate anger.
As such, I don’t really believe in CBT for true emotional control – I love it for its effect on our behaviour. In my experimentation, I’ve found that it reduces the afflictive emotions (again, the distinction between appropriate and inappropriate) to a certain extent, and represses the rest. Again, I prefer to mix in some emotional work.
The ethical dilemma is fantastic – but again it goes to appropriate / inappropriate emotions. (Another post idea, you are a legend!) For instance, if we forget to call someone back and they get upset, we could use CBT to say that it is not 100% our fault and they are overreacting. Of course this doesn’t take the blame away but it does stop someone from beating themselves up anymore than they should. I used to overreact in this way, and become a doormat over a minor mistake. But it would be inappropriate to say that since they are in control of their own feelings, I have done nothing by raping and killing and stealing from them.
Not sure about therapy as my own experience in this area is very limited.
Thanks to both of you, for such stimulating comments!
Hi Albert,
I would love to see the post on on in/appropriate emotions. Hope you can do it soon.
Thanks for a great post and responding too.
Bottom line is>> Smooth running reality goes at the speed and quality of educated freewill choices…think positively faster than reality can happen…while coasting in you’re previously well thought out action thought patterns…leave God out of the picture…really it’s all about you…once you get the goodness momentum going, then it’s about all those that surround you’re creative thought force of truth, beauty & goodness out~put.
@ Evan: Thank you again
@ Common Sense Kid: Thank you as well!
Dear Albert -
Yes, a long article but worth it.
I tuned in with the bad comments section. I got three like that on Stumble. On a very innocuous article. I could not believe it. Really upset me and of course what’s to do about it?
I decided nothing. Then I got about 7000 hits on the article. People came to see how terrible it was. You never know until you experience it that even bad publicity is good.
As for the rest of the process, what was coming to mind was the famous quote from A Course in Miracles.
“You are never upset for the reason you think.”
Albert, I don’t agree that our emotions are either appropriate or inappropriate. The way that we react to our feelings can be appropriate or inappropriate but the feelings themselves are neither. They just are. I still thought this was a great article. Sometimes it needs to be long to get the point or points across. I printed this out and read it at the dentist office where I went with a friend this morning. Then I passed the article on to her to read.
Hi Patricia,
I sort of agree. Our emotions are what they are.
And due to choices we make and practices we follow we can have a different (emotional) reaction to roughly the same situation. This then raises the question of which reaction we prefer. There is some kind of choice (over time) about which (emotional) reactions we experience. This leads to some kind of evaluation of them.
@ Corinne: Yeah negative comments really sting the first couple of times, don’t they? But relax – very often it is a reflection on them (unless of course their accusations are valid), plus the anonymous nature of the Internet allows them to act out their less polite instincts. I’m always happy to have you here
@ Patricia and Evan: Thanks for that (and for spreading my articles around!
), you’ve really given me a lot to think about. I am rethinking my position on this. I am still not sure what to say at this point, but rest assured I’ll incorporate your and Evan’s sentiments into my follow up posts 
I would love to hear what you both think about my definition of appropriate / inappropriate emotions. For instance, I am reminded of an incident many years ago (my reactions could have been influenced by my depression then).
I said something that might have hurt a friend’s feelings. I didn’t realise it until I was driving home afterwards. I was overcome with guilt that was way out of proportion – even if it was hurtful, it was something minor. And yet I reacted as if I had ran over her cat or something.
My definition of appropriate emotions would be a feeling that encouraged me to call, find out and make amends if I had hurt her. Inappropriate was what I felt – I apologised profusely (over a statement she didn’t even remember) and pretty much made a fool of myself. This behaviour and feeling lasted for nearly 2 weeks.
Hope that sheds a bit of light on what I mean when I say appropriate vs. inappropriate. Would love to hear what you think.
Hi Albert,
I can identify with your example very much. I was and still feel socially gauche.
The out of proportion nature of the response (as I’m pretty sure you’ll agree) indicates something important is going on.
Most of the time socially acceptable and helpful is good enough. But we can probably all think of times when it is beneficial to break social taboos. (This is a westerner speaking of course. Those cultures where social conformity is valued more highly may have a different perspective. I hasten to add that I don’t think this makes them less welcoming to individuality – this gets complex).
Here’s a sketch of my approach (which I guess would take several Ph.D’s to defend). The good contributes to the greater whole. The bad destroys the whole. Thus nurture and hospitality are good and violence and hostility are bad. The bad equates to: physically, violence; intellectually, reductionism; values, nihilism and spiritually, malevolence. Thus good emotions are those which contribute to nurture and hospitality. This may well embrace anger – the old forms may need to be destroyed as they are no longer promoting life. For me the evaluation is on the direction of energy – contribution etc or destruction etc.
I have thought about this lots.
In my experience when people are in a supportive environment where it is safe to make mistakes, where needs are met and it is possible to have a ’safe emergency’ then people can reach integration. This to my way of thinking has contributions from all parts of our being (my brief description of which is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – all of which have individual and social dimensions).
This is already a long comment. But that’s my response on appropriate and inappropriate emotions, as briefly as I can put it. Hope there is some clarity in their somewhere!
Evan
Great (if long) post.
You should make an e-book out of this!
@ Evan: Definitely, something important was going on. It was linked to my abandonment issues (the cause of my then depression and something I am working on very hard right now), so something minor like that was blown out of proportion.
My understanding of your comment is that any emotion that contributes, even if superficially “bad” like anger, is worthy. And any emotion that destroys, even if superficially “good” like happiness (maybe the pleasure a rapist gets?), is undesirable? Am I off the mark?
As always I appreciate your wisdom here.
@ Tao: Thanks mate! I’m actually in discussions with an ebook designer now, but I’m struggling with myself regarding how to make it available to my readers – free (like my current one), purchased (like everyone else), or a compromise (an honor system – donate if it helps). It all depends on the quote he gives me on making the ebook I guess
Albert, I have read your comment and example several times and I still say that you are labeling emotions as good or bad instead of your actions that stem from those emotions. I am not an expert in this area by any means. This is just my opinion.
In your example, you said something that you later thought might have hurt you friend so you felt guilty. The feeling guilty is an emotion. You felt guilty as a reaction to what you had said. It was your action that you can label as good or bad. The guilt was your reaction to how you thought your friend felt. The guilt appears to tell us we need to look at something that we have done. You said, “Inappropriate was what I felt”. I disagree with that. Inappropriate may have been how you acted, not how you felt. Your action was to say something that you later decided may have hurt your friend. Your feeling of guilt was to tell you to look at if you may have hurt your friend. That is a good thing, if you must label it as good or bad. To use your words, making a fool of yourself is an action that brought on the embarrassment which was a reaction to your own thoughts. Thoughts aren’t feelings. Thoughts can cause feelings. The behavior lasted only seconds or minutes, the thoughts about that behavior lasted for weeks. The ego loves us when we punish ourselves because it keeps us separated from others.
Depression is anger turned inward. I am very familiar with that one. You even helped me with our emails back and forth at Christmas to come out of the depression that I had put myself into because of my thoughts about the past. If you want to label something, label the thoughts that sent me into the past but not the emotions. The emotions and the pain that I was feeling spurred me to do some more work on myself and I came out of the depression a lot sooner than I have in the past. The depression was there because I needed to look at myself and release the past again. It isn’t as if I haven’t done it before. Depression, for me, is a signal that I am punishing myself again by getting bogged down in the past rather than living in the present.
I don’t know if I have adequately expressed myself or if I have added to the confusion. I could let that thought affect my self-worth and say I am a horrible person because I can’t communicate and explain myself so that others can understand but I am not. That is an example of how we can allow our thoughts to affect us. Again, thoughts are not feelings. Thoughts do affect feelings. If you want to label something as good or bad, label those thoughts. Label our inner critic. Or don’t. We have lessons to learn from all of this. Thanks for helping me to think this through.
there are so many monks already..maybe I’m the newbie here..still need to learn more from you guys..
@ Patricia: Wow – that was certainly in depth, and definitely you have given me a lot of think about. You are right of course, I’m still falling into the trap of labelling emotions as good or bad. But then again, I find that there is a lot of help as appropriate and inappropriate…perhaps those two labels are a bit different from good or bad…Hmm… I have to think this through myself. Thanks again.
@ Job: Thank you
Hi Albert,
First of all, I think everything Patricia said about emotions is valid. But I also think there are times when emotions can seem appropriate or inappropriate to the one experiencing them as well as how an observer reacts.
I also think there is a further, if more subtle distinction. There are times when one reacts so quickly in a situation they can be unaware of what they are feeling and so label it anger when there were possibly other emotions, a series of emotions even, before that. What they then see is just this outer expression of what they are calling anger.
Maybe this is better said: the first reaction is a feeling of hurt at a slight that is familiar but not readily conscious, then maybe indignation “how could they?”, only to arrive at anger of “I hate this situation/person” when they really do not want to relive and feel the hurt of old. So the initial two emotions got a little lost as they changed from one thing to another in rapid fire sequence.
I think that may be when one starts to feel the inappropriateness of an emotion in a situation. Which causes things to get overblown in attempts to sort things out, making things even more inappropriate.
So maybe it’s just confusion that triggers a judgment of approriate or inappropriate, not being able to identify each emotion as it appears. Result? One feels “wrong” about sitting with the final emotion.
Just some thoughts based on what I have experienced.
Hi Albert.
I value the depth and intensity of your self-reflection. As you imply, self-examination is the key to even more meaningful self-discovery. We can each discern what works or doesn’t work for us at a given time and molt from the skin of emotions we had created that no longer really fits.
I also appreciate your reference to the Tao Te Ching. That is without a doubt, one of my favorite books. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to read or listen to Wayne Dyer’s new book of essays on the 81 verses of the Tao. His book is Change Your thoughts, Change Your Life.
@ Barbara: That was very insightful wow! I think it ties more into what I’ve half written for the advanced emotional mastery series and it really blows me away.
@ Liara: Thank you for that comment. I love the Tao Te Ching, and I’ve also purchased a copy of Dyer’s new book – but I don’t know, I don’t think his reflections are very good for that particular book – I have a feeling his interpretations are quite flawed. So I never got around to finishing it.
Hi Albert,
I particularly identified with some of the distortions that have been going on in my mind. For a long time, I preferred to see things as black or white; all or nothing. My mental filters were also making me very miserable.
Thanks for sharing so much about CBT, something which I’ve wanted to find out. It is a long article no doubt, but is definitely a quality post!
With much appreciaiton,
Evelyn
Just a thought. Isn’t meditation, i.e observing one’s breath or even chanting enough to find peace.It will, in time create a distance between emotion and further create stillness, which leads to peace and self-understanding. What I am asking is , is inquiry really necessary?
.
Further how do we ever know if our self-enquiry is in the correct direction. Emotion and the mind are super complex, we could never know, unless we leave liberated and manage not to recreate the pain. But something else will arise. Won’t meditation and quiet, take us closer to our truer nature of peace, letting all emotions, even ego based happiness fall away. Like a natural peeling of emotions. Just curious. What do you think?
In meditation, we recognise the emotion and see it. And like you say at the beginning of the post, this correct labelling is the first step
And further meditation will let the emotion dissipate. Hence, is or isn’t meditation enough?
Also , Congratulations. You just crossed 2000 monks!!!
@ Evelyn: Thanks Evelyn – try playing around with CBT and let me know how you go. As you can see from my discussions with the other readers in the comments above, CBT works beautifully for some situations and not for others, so I would love to hear your perspective if you want to share.
@ Nur: Hey – I’m not saying whether this is necessary or not – I’m just giving another tool to add to your toolbox. This is just me, I’m not making a statement on the value of CBT, but I use it as a short term thing, and meditation for the long term. As in – if my car tire bursts, I put a big sticky patch on it that allows me to drive for a little while, but eventually I will need to really fix the tire. Of couse, CBT is backed up by loads of research that shows it is permanent. So my own experiments with it have only started seriously a few weeks ago – I can’t say for sure if it is permanent or not.
Thanks for the support too!
Working thought Alchemy for Mortal Mankind
The ingredients for metamorphic thought substance action appearance.
Evolves from the effects of the caused patterns of truths adherence.
Transmuting fears and superstitions will give you full clearance.
Focusing on love and service of manifestation brilliance.
Working with creative indwelling spirit performance.
Executing living love truth, reversing ignorance.
All from good thought focus persistence.
Alchemy’s substance continuance.
Love must have dominance.
Spiritual pay is relevance.
Spend expectance.
Live prudence.
Abundance.
~~~Commonsensekid~~~
Hey Albert.
Was just curious. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Guess am gonna have to try both CBT and meditation now ;- ) .
God bless
Albert, you don’t have to agree with Wayne Dyer’s views on the Tao (or anyone else’s, for that matter). I bring that up as it is through listening to other interpretations that you begin to truly uncover your own. It is understood that by realizing what you disbelieve, you naturally bring yourself closer to what you do. This makes a particular phase of your journey worthwhile. Reading is great for sparking meaningful debates!
@ Commonsense Kid: You have got the soul of a poet, what can I say?
@ Nur: No problem
Watch for my next post, it’ll give my experiences with CBT 
@ Liara: Thanks for that – Have you read Byron Katies a Thousand Names for Joy? Her interpretation seems to be a lot purer…her husband Stephen something also has a good interpretation I think. Definitely, I’d love to have a cool debate with the Tao with anyone, but my understanding is extremely limited
Cathy Crovis discusses the short comings of CBT in her experience.
http://www.ripplesofimprovemen.....-10-years/
It’s point 2 of 10.
This is also a way of pointing you all to her blog – it’s about the personal change aspects of being an activist. Which I think is a very important topic. And she writes personally and well. So I want to point people to her.
Evan
Thanks for that Evan, it’s interesting to see all the responses to CBT. I’ve had a couple of emails from people who swear by it and say that it has lifted them out of chronic depression and so on. I’ve put my opinions in my latest post, would love to hear your perspective on that
A very thought provoking post about spiriual enligtenment and how to better onself through thought processing and behavioural shaping techniques.
Thanks six pack!
Hi Albert – thanks for this post and also for the link. Sorry for not dropping by earlier to thank you but I was having a bad time. Like you, I drink and smoke too much when I feel down.
The silly thing is, when I was recovering from PTSD, I learned to deal with it in a healthy way – eg. walking, exercise and meditation. And I’m beginning to wonder that if we use things to help us get well, sometimes it’s harder if we become unwell again, because the activity reminds us of being ill?
I have also been attacked on my blog. The worst one was where the commenter said that I’d made lots of business mistakes because I was an idiot. And I must admit, I did begin to question myself, but as you said, it’s dangerous to overgeneralize.
Hey Cath. Ouch, sorry to hear that. Hope you are feeling better now. That’s a very interesting point – I don’t know the answer because it hasn’t happened to me. I guess it might be different for each individual though.
These commenters can get pretty nasty, huh? The good news is, after a while they don’t bother you anymore.
Hi Albert,
I appreciate your posting on CBT. I too have found CBT incredibly valuable. To my surprise I’ve noticed that people have differing (and sometimes very strong) views on this. I agree with the person who stated that it’s one tool in a tool box. I’ve wrestled with many of the questions posted here: does it get to the ‘deep stuff’, what about the subconscious, what about the meta-analyses suggesting it was no more valuable than other therapies, etc. What I finally realized is that the process brings me a deep sense of peace. I tried various types of therapy over a period of 20 years which left me ‘feeling’ better in the short term but not ‘getting’ better in the long term. My pain educing belief structure and automatic negative thoughts were still more or less intact. After only a few weeks of training with a CBT therapist I found myself questioning and re-framing my pain-creating beliefs. In turn I started to almost immediately feel better. What made this different from other therapies is that the noticing-questioning-reframing process became more entrenched and stronger over time – no therapist required. As this became habitual, I noticed the many of the pain-generating core beliefs I previously held about the world were more or less abolished. Applied over time, CBT has eliminated much (but not all) of my suffering. It has also changed the nature of suffering when it does arise. Seeing clearly that I’m generating my own emotional pain allows for a VERY different experience of suffering than believing others are ‘doing it to me’. It’s much less intense and generally on the verge of being dissolved. Aligned with this is the understanding that my concerns are never about another person. It’s just not possible. Without exception, I reference my story of another person and then use that story to generate pleasure pleasure or pain.
Well, I’ve said more than I intended when I started…
Thanks Albert, for a great posting.
Colorado, that was an amazing comment, thank you for that. I’ve been struggling with the same questions as you have – does it work for deeper issues, and so on? My follow up post came up with my answers – but my conclusion (as mentioned I have not been using it for that long) was no. But in your experience it was a resounding yes, so I’m going to continue using CBT. Only problem is, my other tool in my toolbox (that was me who said it above, hehehe) is emotional work, and I know that emotional work leads to permanent change and on deep levels. So my motivation to try CBT for longer periods of time just isn’t there. Then again, it could come down to individual differences – some prefer working with thoughts, others with emotions, and so on.
Thank you once again for sharing, it was a great read and I am not exaggerating or being nice. Have a look at my follow up, if you could, and I would love to hear your opinions.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/280/h.....echniques/
The content of your programs is so very meaningful. Among many other interesting topics, you’ve come down from your mountain. I find the material so rich that every time I drop by, I discover something so powerful. Wade & you has been my spiritual growth curriculum!
Respectfully,
Terry
You talk about CBT versus old world thinking. Personally, I believe many of these thoughts are the same thing, the only difference is that CBT is a “NEW” label on older ideas and beliefs.
Once again, the main thing is to do what works for you and to constantly move in the right direction.
Take care
Mr Positioning (Stanley F. Bronstein, Atty, CPA, Author and Professional Speaker)
@ Bewitched: Thank you so much! That is really high praise, and I deeply appreciate it.
@ Mr Positioning: (Cool name, by the way!) Again, you are right. I’ve come across similar versions in many older traditions – finding an clearer perspective, etc. CBT is the most comprehensive I’ve come across, and that is why I chose to follow that system. Thank you for your comments!
Albert
Thanks pal.
D
You’re welcome man
Keep this post bookmarked, because a lot of the upcoming posts will build off this one.
Thanks Albert.
You’re welcome
Albert, I found your website this morning and have read several articles. Not only are they interesting and to my mind insightful but they are genuinely helping me at a very interesting time in my life. It’s incredible how relevant all this is to me right now.
My own thought about emotions and feelings – they are ALL good….in the right place and time….everything about me was/is a way of trying to find survival/safety/health/happiness…..I used the best tools I had at the time to achieve those needs (working up something like Maslow’s hierarchy?)…unfortunately my best tools THEN might have some reason outlived their effectiveness and might actively block me from achieving the next stage of my development….or new – but eeerily familiar life circumstances might invite me to regress to former coping mechanisms that aren’t good for my health and development….
My dark and demonic inner-critic was trying to save me from what it perceived as a dark and demonic fate by self-censoring and trying to make me “get it right”….”IT” (part of me) felt my survival depended on it. Maybe my survival depended on being right then, maybe it just felt like it, but in 2008 my survival doesn’t depend on being right any more and my happiness is certainly compromised by a need to be right all the time!
Feelings are good, emotions are good…they’re embraced in a dance towards happiness….partners…..
Martin
ps. I think Jung’s typology might hold some of the answers why people see things so differently….some of us rely primarily on thinking, others on feeling….we tend to repress some of the opposite “function”……maybe even distrust it…..until we’re ready to grow……it’s all good…..fly with all engines balanced!
Thank you for that Martin – I think you have a very poetic touch to your writing. I know how you feel with the critic, and yes the critic is very often trying to help us in a very strange way. I’ve have to investigate Jung’s typology some more – I have always been very curious as to why different people take to different systems. Thank you again for the comment.
Hi,
I discovered this blog through Stumble. I love it. Thank you for all your work!!! You write a lot of quality advice. It’s excellent.
I do Mindfulness work as well as CBT and it really helps I find. I have been happier lately than any time in my life. Sometimes I feel too scattered and sometimes I don’t feel I adequately deal with the underlying shame and guilt however, and depression back creeps in. I’m going to read your article on that, I mean the core shame and guilt next. I think I will write down things in journal as you suggest, just to see what the chattering monkey mind is saying to me so I can evaluate better.
I wanted to let you know how helpful I find the article and the discussion. Thanks again.
Hey Cathie, good stuff – keep it up! You’re very welcome, and I appreciate a comment like this
Hi Albert,
I would love to see the post on on in/appropriate emotions. Hope you can do it soon.
Thanks for a great post and responding too.
“Heart felt words preserved in the treasure chest.”
Don’t be afraid to stand out. Don’t be afraid to be different. Ghandi was different, Einstein too!
I believe that comformity and social acceptability is the natural enemy of the free mind~ what do you think?
We try to fit a role based on society and other peoples expectations. The only person’s opinion you should care about is your own. Everyone is secondary.
Terry, thanks once again. Definitely, conformity = death
Sounds interesting! Thanks for the posting.
Thanks Joe!
Thanks for this post another intresting knowledgable article.
Thank you Alex
Wow. thanks for your great information.
Thanks Arthur! Glad you like it!
Albert, An excellent post on CBT. I’ve been using these skills–particularly the ABCs for 35 years– and now teach them to clients as part of my Emotional Mastery coaching.
Albert Ellis, one of the founders of CBT, summed up his 70 years of experience by saying that the 3 main irrational thoughts — distortions — that caused most of the grief he’d seen in patients were:
1. I “must” do well,
2. You “must” treat me well, and
3. The world “must” be easy.
I concur. When clients have trouble, it is usually because of one or more of these “nutty beliefs” as Ellis called them. But when they dispute the aboluteness of these beliefs they are able to let them go and look at the world in a more rational and effective way.
Another way of getting at these nutty beliefs is “the work” of Byron Katie. Also a very good set of techniques for grounding yourself in a rational perception of current reality.
Great stuff! Thanks.
nice artikel bro
byme
@ Bruce: Thanks for that. Three nutty beliefs are perfect. I think I suffered from the 2nd mostly.
I’m also a tremendous fan of Byron Katie. I’ve found it reaches a deeper level and works faster than CBT. Good to have you here
@ byme: thanks!
Hi Albert,
You have a great personal style that gets right through. Maybe I can learn from you
You mentioned a relapse; I’ve had the same exeperience a few months ago. However the quality of the depression was very different; I wonder if recidivism is part of the awakening process as we cleanse the past. I’d be interested in your experience of it.
I’m not familiar with CBT; I’ve read Albert Ellis but not practiced. All effective techniques seem to be some combination Awareness and Release.
Thanks, k.
Hey K! You’re too kind!
I also thought about how certain states can be just part of the rising consciousness (I’m a big fan of the ladder in the Sedona method, which your blog also mentions).
But I really have no way of being sure. It could be just old stuff arising to be processed, as you suggest, but there really is no way to be sure I guess. What do you think?
Hi Albert,
As you say, there no way to be sure, but I did notice that the quality of the depressive episode was different. There was apathy and detachment, but there wasn’t the usual anxiety. Maybe that’s because of the Sedona method. I tend to think it was old stuff coming up, but that’s just a theory.
k
Yea the funny thing about my relapse was that nothing triggered it. It just happened by itself. Nothing I did seem to work too, but after a while it went away. If you look at the sedona method ladder of consciousness (AGFLAP), I might have just been passing through one of the lower stages.
Absolutely Fantastic entry….words can’t even describe how happy I am that I found this blog of yours. …so good..
Jackie, your comments have really put a smile on my face and encouraged me a lot
I’m happy to have you here too!
it’s so true, we torture ourselves with negative thoughts.
why did we do that?
I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter anyway
We know how to stop now!
Just wanted to say thanks for posting this. I’ve only just started reading it, but it resonates with a lot of things I’ve been thinking about and working through lately. Thank you immensely!
Marian, you’re welcome. I’m glad you liked it!
Can someone tell me the difference between deframing and reframing?
I understand that reframing is A technique by which a person learns to stop his or her negative thought process and replace the negative thoughts with more positive self-talk.
Thanks in advance!
Hi Tanya, I’ve never heard of deframing before, so I can’t help you, sorry!
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