How to Distinguish between Appropriate and Inappropriate Emotions - A Guide to Using Cognitive Techniques
There was a very strange belief I clung to stubbornly for most of my inner journey.
None of us should ever have to suffer emotionally, I believed. Every frustration, every annoyance, every fear – no matter how minor – shows a weakness, an insecurity. Perhaps those emotions represented a moment I was out of alignment with the present moment, maybe this, maybe that.
Do your time, I assured myself time and again, and one day you will have climbed the mountain and reached the highest peak – perfect equanimity.
But what if the joy of being human lies in dancing at the highest peaks of joy, and crying in the lowest valleys? Perhaps without sadness, without fear, without all the frustrations – the tapestry will be incomplete, a garish painting composed only of the brightest colours. Perhaps whatever we are experiencing right now – the deepest sorrows, a mild melancholy, or the highest bliss – is exactly what we are meant to experience.
The Questions Arise
But this view raises many questions. Are we to live in a shell? Shielding ourselves from all forms of negativity – living in a brick wall of our own making? Does that cut us off from the richness of life? Without sadness, will we know what joy is?
Are we really protecting ourselves from our emotions, or are we merely pushing them deeper inside us?
Or are we to indulge in everything we feel, act them all out with wild abandon? What would a world like that be – where we gave in to our basest desires? What if our emotions are destructive, painful, or hurtful?
A Fourth Path
And yet – each emotion carries a message. Fear alerts us to danger. Anger lets us know when our boundaries are violated. Many afflictive emotions let us know where our core shames are.
So many different directions! Reject, indulge, or accept? How do we reconcile these differences? If anger, for instance, serves a purpose and yet pollutes all our actions, what can we do?
Perhaps the answer is to be found by taking the middle road – allowing the negative emotions – but distinguishing between the appropriate and the inappropriate, the healthy and the unhealthy.
Reading
This is a follow-up to the series on Cognitive Techniques, which provides the techniques itself. This post also references emotional work several times. Both are recommended reading, although not necessary.
The Message It Carries
What does one feel? Healthy sadness, or depression? Concern, or paralysing anxiety?
When we have lost something, someone, dear to our hearts: how is it possible to be happy? Relax into your sadness, and you will find it holds its own beauty, you will find it begins to fade away on its own. We remain hopeful for the future, and we take steps on the problems we can change.
But if we fall into depression, what then? Endless misery – an inability to live on; for the colours have gone away from your life. You live constantly in the past, magnifying your own flaws and failings. You withdraw from the world; neglect yourself; indulge in self-destructive behaviours in a vain attempt to end the depression.
What of concern? When we think of something that could go wrong: how can we not feel it? A healthy outlook means we plan to cope, we judge the situation realistically.
The other possibility is to fall into anxiety – an overestimation of danger, an underestimation of our ability to deal with the issue. These lead to withdrawal, numbing with drugs or alcohol, perhaps other inappropriate responses like excessive physical force.
These distinctions can be made to every afflictive emotion: anger or recognition of violated boundaries? Shame or regret?
CBT for Dummies
- Flexibility: Are you ready to consider alternative explanations? Are you willing to change the way you behave, respond or feel?
- Realistic thinking: The focus of the previous post on cognitive distortions – did the other person really try to hurt you, or was it an accident? Were you really at fault? Is it really bad as you thought it was? The possibilities here are endless; master the list of possible distortions and find which ones apply to you.
- Focus of attention: Are you focused on the negative? What you can’t change, how bad you feel, how it is all doomed? Or are you seeing what can be done, what you have learnt from the situation, using it to make you stronger?
- Behaviours: Are you mired in inactivity, feeling sorry for yourself? Perhaps you are indulging in destructive or hurtful behaviours. Or are you taking positive action – repairing the damage, removing yourself from further danger?
- Duration: Do you ruminate for weeks and months, even years, over an insult, an emotional injury? Or is it something that passes with time?
- Intensity: How intense are your emotions? I remember a small social slip-up that might have offended a friend unintentionally. I realised it while I was driving home that night – and was overcome with a guilt that lasted weeks. At its worst, I nearly threw up. The unnatural intensity of the guilt meant it had touched a core issue; a very inappropriate response.
In the absence of the chart, measure your responses – emotional or behavioural –according to these criteria. Are they healthy, or unhealthy? Adaptive or maladaptive?
When do we use Cognitive Techniques?
The question comes down to, then: When do we use what? When do we use emotional work and when do we utilise Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques? There are some other changes – behavioural, for instance – that will be outlined in the future. When do we use those?
Appropriate and Inappropriate Emotions. As outlined above, I fell in love with CBT simply because they allowed me to change my inappropriate responses to healthier alternatives. Note that I am not pushing away or rejecting my feelings – I am simply seeing them and the situation in a different light. This ties in to the other points, below.
Emotional Changes. There are many reasons for our afflictive emotions. I will discuss this in further detail in a moment, but for now – a portion of them comes from distorted thoughts. By bringing our thoughts closer to reality, this portion dissipates. Naturally, there are times this does not apply. The remaining emotions require emotional work.
Behavioural Changes. Removing as much of our distortions as possible, focusing on the positive, seeing alternative and less-destructive reasons and causes – allows someone to take positive action now. As mentioned above, many of our afflictive emotions stem from a deeper issue – these can often require a lot of work, years of healing, perhaps. Are we to indulge in negative, destructive behaviour until we heal those wounds?
A Personal Example
One of my core issues – some call them schemas, deep wounds that cause the cognitive distortions – is abandonment. Most insults do not cause much reaction in me at all. On the other hand, certain insults and gestures – however minor – trigger an intense anguish, one that is associated with the pain of abandonment.
I used to know a woman who was rude and dismissive. Most of her actions did not bother me. I had been in her shoes before, and I knew her insults were not a reflection on me or my value; they merely exposed her own insecurities, her own distortions. She had chosen an inappropriate way of dealing with her own wounds.
But a few words and gestures hurt me. Maybe you are not important, huh? She said to me once. Six words – but they reached deeply in me and touched a raw, gaping wound. I felt hurt and angry – over six little words! – and despite the arguments of my rational mind, withdrew completely from the interaction.
The anger and hurt remained for days. And yet – was I to wait until the wound had closed, before I could react compassionately, rationally? I spent a day or two reflecting on her words. A part of me wanted to strike back. I was no angel – I knew where her raw wounds are, and a part of me wanted to hit back at them, to give her a taste of what it felt like. And yet I managed to catch the distortions in my thoughts. Again, I saw how her venom was a sign of her own inner struggle. I chose to react with politeness and as much compassion as I could find.
But the wounds remained. It has been a long time, many months – and sometimes her words pop into my head. If she had not hit a wound, I would have reacted with compassion naturally. I would not have had to tell myself to do so. But was I to wait until my abandonment schema was healed before I reacted with compassion? I could not have acted appropriately without the techniques of CBT.
Deeper Issues and Cognitive Distortions
Finding a rational, more realistic way of looking at things helps in many other situations as well. Just one example – those who suffer from an abandonment schema have troubles leaving abusive relationships. The pain of abandonment is stronger than any suffering they might go through by remaining in such a romance.
Anyone looking from the outside will not understand why he or she chooses to remain – but for those in the grip of the schema, this fear is very real. Perhaps by seeing that this fear is a distortion, we could make a healthier choice: leave, and heal the wounds on our own two feet.
Why We Hurt
Just a little more on the deeper issues, then. They will be discussed in the upcoming advanced emotional mastery series, but a brief sample:
- Core Issues: The abandonment schema, amongst many others. They affect our lives in many insidious ways.
- Deeper Wants: Similar to the above, everyone has basic wants or boundaries – wanting respect or security, for example – that shows up in many subtle, sometimes illogical ways. Having these boundaries violated would result in afflictive emotions.
- The Shadow: We have disowned several parts of ourselves, our personalities – pushed them down into what Jungian psychologists call the shadow. What we react to in others can be a sign of what is inside us.
In my experience, when these deeper issues are at the root of our suffering, challenging our thoughts and perspectives only make up a portion of the work; deeper emotional work is also required. Both working in tandem can create a powerful combination.
It is important to note that I am just speaking from my own experiences – I am not a trained practitioner. Additionally, I have not used it for more than a few months on deeper issues. It is highly likely that if I had chosen to pursue cognitive work as my main method rather than emotional work, and stuck with it for a longer period of time, cognitive work would be all that I needed.
There are, of course, other reasons outside our control for afflictive emotions. Some forms of depression, for instance, have genetic causes. How CBT or even emotional work affects these I do not know.
An Opposing Argument
On the other hand, I have received emails and other comments since the last post; readers have recovered from chronic depression by changing their thoughts. There has also been research that cognitive work makes positive changes in the very structure of our brain, although I can’t find the source.
In Feeling Good
I have had similar experiences with CBT. A relapse in depression, a few weeks ago. Part of the reason was my deeper issues – many things conspired to bring them all to the fore. For some reason, emotional meditation just didn’t work this time. I was fortunate – I noticed a significant portion of my sorrow was caused by distorted thinking. Yet reframing my situation, in addition to cognitive work, lifted me out in a few days.
It is for this reason that I urge readers not to give up on cognitive work after a few weeks of little results. It was the same for my emotional work – in the early days I had many doubts, and yet now I swear by it. If your sorrows are deep, both emotional and cognitive work will take time - months, or more. Keep them both in your toolbox; use one when the other fails or takes too long.
Individual Differences
Perhaps the differences lie within. Just as one woman learns best by watching, another by listening, and yet another by doing – each of us might tend towards a different method of growth and healing.
In Emotional Alchemy
This was true in my experience: I was first drawn to CBT, many months ago, when I realised that intense emotional work led automatically to less distorted thoughts.
The Question of Responsibility
Whenever someone asserts that our thoughts create our feelings, a question arises: isn’t that nihilistic? If their suffering is caused by their beliefs, their wounds and insecurities – why is there any need for morals? Lie, cheat, and steal! If they suffer, it is because of their distortions and thoughts!
This was another question I struggled with; perhaps the answer can once again be found in appropriate and inappropriate emotions.
Have you experienced this for yourself? You say something innocent, not meant to hurt – and yet someone takes it as a personal attack, flying into a rage. Very often such a reaction represents a cognitive distortion on their part. If you begin to flagellate and prostrate yourself, it is your distortion – for it is genuinely not your fault.
But perhaps you get drunk, and run me over as I was crossing the road legally. “You broke my legs!” I scream. My thoughts would be undistorted – my anguish is real and valid. Your remorse, if you felt any, would be just as valid.
The goal of cognitive work is now called into question. Is the end goal simply to feel good? Could you – would you – change your thoughts to convince yourself you were not in the wrong? That I was wrong for being upset? Just a few broken bones, you might think. He’s suffering from the magnification distortion!
Would that not be just another distortion of yours? Is that how cognitive work is meant to be performed?
This is just a suggestion, my personal preference. The goal of cognitive work is to change your thoughts and perspectives to get as realistic and rational a perspective as you can. With a clearer, unemotional perspective – we then have the power to accept due responsibility, to take positive action.
A Reader Question
To finish off the post, a quick question to my dear readers. I have recently accepted a few advertisers who run online casinos, as you can see in the last sidebar. A good friend, Wade of The Middle Way, told me it might be inappropriate given the topic of my blog. I had never thought of it that way. I would like to ask, if anyone is offended by it? I will take it off if so.
Link Love
A big shout out today to Tom Stine of TomStine.com. A really generous fellow, his blog covers spirituality, consciousness and spiritual growth in a practical manner. A recent post you might like: And you live where?
Chris Marshall runs Martial Development, a personal development blog with a martial arts twist. I love his sense of humor, and there is plenty there for those who don’t punch people in the face for a hobby, as well! A recent post: The 20 Best Martial Arts Quotes.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS.(What does Subscribing / RSS mean?)
33 Comments , Comment or Ping
Nur
Hey
Beginning to see what you mean. Yup, reframing thoughts can help.
Nay, the ads are okay. It’s the inner and outer world, meeting each other. Hahahah.
Mar 17th, 2008
Patrick
Great article, love your in-depth analysis.
The casino ads are off topic, and if they were replaced with more relevant websites, it’s a win-win for everyone. However, anyone who is put off enough not to come back is missing out big time! I don’t think they are obtrusive or obnoxious in any way….if that’s what it takes to keep you writing, then I say keep them up. It is a small price to pay for some of the great ideas I’ve used from this website….
Thanks so much for your insights….by all means, keep writing!
Mar 17th, 2008
Albert
Nur and Patrick, thanks
Good to hear that the ads don’t bother you as well. Wonder what the other readers will think.
Mar 17th, 2008
Evan
Hi Albert,
I don’t even look at ads so it’s not a bother (I’m very content focussed).
I do think people change in different ways. Also we have different dimensions (my rough and ready list being: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual - each with individual and corporate dimensions). The challenge is to come up with a theory that can embrace this. CBT is not this theory. Here’s my challenge: to come up with a theory about how to choose which is appropriate.
The problem with the CBT lists (or anyone else’s, including mine of course) is that they mean the individual accepting an outside authority. They don’t offer guidance on how I can know for myself what is inappropriate and what isn’t (it amounts to carrying a CBT list around to refer to constantly, even if the list is inside my head instead of inside my wallet).
I like to be wholistic. I don’t think judgement is only rational - it includes our feelings, instincts and purpose. None of these need be priveleged, though any one may be decisive in any particular situation.
I could go on with examples and try to spell it all out, but this is already a long comment. I hope it makes sense.
Mar 17th, 2008
Albert
I skimmed your post quickly and could not find anything about how to deal with these negative emotions.
Mar 17th, 2008
Albert
@ Evan: Another great insightful comment.I know what you mean about judgement not only being rational, but incorporating everything else. To be honest, I’m not sure how many people actually memorise the whole list. I certainly don’t - it just strikes me - oh! It’s definitely not so bad - perhaps this might be true or that might have been the reason why.
What is appropriate and what isn’t? That’s a very big topic, probably take a whole series to discuss it, and it isn’t something i know very much about. The only thing I can think of would be from St. Augustine (if I recall correctly): Love and do what thou wilt. I don’t know, just my ramblings. Thanks once more for all the value you add.
@ Albert: Hey there (feels like I’m talking to myself, heh). This is part 2 of a series, the first part (referenced in the article) speaks of the “how”, this one speaks of the “when”. There is also a lot of reference to an emotional work article. These two articles represent my 2 favorite ways of dealing with the emotions.
Mar 17th, 2008
Shadowduck
Hi Albert,
Another great post, thanks. I should really add a “thankyou” comment after all of them! #8-)
I can’t see the casino ad, did you get rid of it already? I usually read by RSS so I don’t see them anyway, I came to the site and disabled Adblock Plus specially to see it! I’m not quite sure why you’re concerned it might be inappropriate - if they choose to advertise on a site where the regular readers are unlikely to be interested in what they’re selling… Well, it’s their money.
Or is the concern that you may have vulnerable readers who would be susceptible to gambling-related problems? Unfortunately, I suspect one casino ad more or less won’t make much difference there but I can see why you wouldn’t want to be part of the problem, even in a small way. It’s probably between you and your conscience; I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.
Shadowduck
Mar 17th, 2008
Andrea Hess | Empowered Soul
Hi Albert,
I found this article fascinating! You asked one question - “Without sadness, will we know what joy is?” I think this speaks to the big problem of duality in our world, a duality that we are working to transcend. I think we can have kindness without cruelty, happiness without anger, etc. Imagine negative emotions as the absence of something, and they lose power. Maybe that’s the reframing you are speaking of?
Anger is the absence of peace. Fear is the absence of love. Create peace, and anger must fade. Create love, and fear vanishes. What is abandonment the opposite of? Community? Acceptance?
They are called “negative” emotions for a reason - they make us less than, they negate who we truly are as Divinely created beings. If we see this negativity as the absence of something, rather as something more substantial, they lose power.
As for the ads - hmmm. Not offensive. Just incongruous, I think. I don’t think you’d chase readers away - I just have no idea why your advertisers would think your readers are interested in gambling!
Blessings,
Andrea
Mar 18th, 2008
Doug Rosbury
“Emotions” are the energy of perception. They are the security system of the body/mind connection. they are not of themselves, right or wrong/bad or good, but There is such a thing as rightly or wrongly directed emotional energy. This is up to the mind to control, however, If, somehow the emotional energy supply is not monitored sufficiently and given proper
parenting oversight, it can and does operate spontaneously to the detriment of the given individual. Emotions by themselves are “mindless”.
They require mental permissions to be given direction. It would behoove us all to learn how to properly direct our emotins. A problem arises, however,
when an individual operates in secret which is most often the case. The problem with this is that though we plot in secret, we must act out
in the
open and that causes us to be discovered and punished. This is the
very mechanism at work in all cases of an anti-social nature.
—Doug Rosbury
Mar 18th, 2008
Corinne Edwards
I have never studied CBT but somehow I figured out that my core problem is SHAME.
It is very important to identify your “hot button!”
And NAME IT.
Now, when something comes up, I say, “See, there it is again!” It helps.
Thanks for your always perceptive articles. I am a fan!
P.S. And I don’t care who advertises on your site
Mar 18th, 2008
Victoria
Albert, Albert, Albert……..TYTYTY!!!!!!! If I could only say in a few words how timely and appropriate this post today is for myself….Yet, I cannot keep it brief. First…….”Finding a rational, more realistic way of looking at things helps in many other situations as well. Just one example – those who suffer from an abandonment schema have troubles leaving abusive relationships. The pain of abandonment is stronger than any suffering they might go through by remaining in such a romance.
Anyone looking from the outside will not understand why he or she chooses to remain – but for those in the grip of the schema, this fear is very real. Perhaps by seeing that this fear is a distortion, we could make a healthier choice: leave, and heal the wounds on our own two feet.”
I am so the above quote from your post!!!!!!! I am currently living in a relationship where trust,respect and honesty has been so breached by my partner. I have taken my abandonement fears, harvested some anger out of my depression I was in for months, and intiated some techniques to render a “Newme”!! At the same time, I have proceeded with some covert issues to save my sanity. These I will not go into, for two reasons, I am not completely content within my soul about them, they seem a bit of the same handed to me that I found so distasteful, and I feel like I wish it had not come to this to push me to a decesion that will more than likely take me out of the emotional abuse I have been living in. Yet!!!! This is a new plan of action for me…I grew up with a mother who constantly heaped guilt and blame and shame on us “kids”, and I have been working diligently for years to step outside of it and heal. Then to find I have been repeating the behaviors in relationships had me stunned…..to the point of such internal anger at my self I was near catatonic with depression. It was unreal!! Also, I had just 3 years sobriety at the point the depression grabbed me so deeply and although drinking never entered my mind, I sure did not see the bright side of sober. Since sober after drinking away pain away for over 40 years, brought along feelings, OMG!!! Feelings???? Do I want them? That was my question…well, not if I am going to feel worthless and down and lied to and set aside all the time. Well, there are other feelings also, arent there?!? So…. I am feeling again, sad and mad and glad and ….guess what….they are all OK!!! Just having to get used to them is the tough part.
Ok…..there’s my many words…all to say again….Thank You Universe and Guides and Guardians and Albert and many other supporting friends for walking with me as I heal and feel and walk out of “Victim” into “Victorius” mode!!! Selah……….
Mar 18th, 2008
Albert
@ Shadow Duck: Thanks mate
. No the casino ad is under featured sites on the top right hand side (under the two 125×125 buttons), under some of the other text links. I think I might take them off after I’ve completed what they’ve paid me for…
Yeap my concern is that there are people out there with gambling problems, comes to my site for help, and then sees it as me advocating gambling. I never thought of it that way, but for many people that is a reality. My mate Wade brought that mindset to my attention, so many thanks to him.
@ Andrea: Good to have you here as always! That is great insight. I agree with you completely, and I think I came to my conclusion simply as a healthier belief until we reach the level you speak of - i.e. it is unrealistic for me to expect to be happy all the time, and it in fact made me more stressed out sometimes. I was seeing weaknesses and insecurities in tiny little things that wasn’t actually there.
For instance, I was trying to concentrate on something important, and then got 4 interrupting phone calls in a row, all 4 from telemarketers. At the end of the last call, I went “DAMN it!” In hindsight that was pretty normal, I guess everyone would have gotten frustrated. But I immediately fell into the trap of - Oh My God there’s an insecurity there, something deeper is happening, etc etc.
Mar 18th, 2008
Albert
@ Doug: Wow! That is a fantastic way of putting it. I’ve been contemplating this subject for a while now and that comment seems so … right. Thanks for that, you’ve really opened up a few new ways of thinking.
@ Corinne: I think you’ve just nailed the essence of most of the forms of deeper work - that is amazing! Recognition by itself is the key first step to transformation, and by the sounds of it your self-awareness is sky high.
@ Victoria: Hehe, you’re welcome! I really appreciate it when people add their personal stories in, it makes a world of difference. I think the readers will be inspired by your courage too.
Yes, I’ve been working with the schemas as well, and it is stunning to see how much it shows up in your adult life without your recognition. Still, it sounds like you have the self awareness as well, plus the courage to make the journey.
I was stuck in many emotionally abusive relationships and couldn’t leave when I was younger. I wasn’t into personal development then so I couldn’t recognise it - I was just stuck in an endless cycle. I would get angry at the way she was treating me, leave, and then crawl back a few days later. Thankfully I can say that emotional work has made a tremendous difference, allowing me to assert myself if needed, and walk away if there is no other choice.
Keep it up, you’ll be in Victorius mode before you know it!
Mar 18th, 2008
Karl Staib - Your Work Happiness Matters
Your personal example was excellent. Personal remarks bounce around in my head for weeks or even months. Just today a co-worker of mine labeled me as girly. She was only joking and I can tell that she is insecure with herself, but it still hurt. She implied that I was weak and small in stature, right in front of two other co-workers. I don’t think of women as weak, it’s a shame that phrases like that stay alive.
As I was reading your article this phrase kept popping in my head. I’m glad that I didn’t verbally attack her back because it would only make her feel awful. I had the perfect school yard attack all ready to go, but I resisted.
I’m learning to appreciate my emotions, but not act on them, just watch and learn what makes me who I am.
Great post! Keep them coming.
Mar 18th, 2008
Chris Marshall | Martial Development
Thx 4 luv!
P.S. I quoted Nas a few weeks ago, so you aren’t the first.
Mar 18th, 2008
Albert
@ Karl: Thanks - it is amazing how one tiny little insult can stick in our heads for so long, isn’t it? At least we can use it as a way to find out more about ourselves
@ Chris: Damn you! Hahaha! I wanted to be a pioneer
Mar 18th, 2008
Cath Lawson
Albert - another brilliant post. And I hope you’re feeling much better now.
Isn’t it weird how some insults stay with you for years and upset you when you’re feeling down. I’m definitely going to be going through your old posts and helping myself. You have some great info on this blog.
I didn’t even notice the casino ads. Maybe you could run them for a while until you get more appropriate sponsors? At least you have sponsors - I don’t have a single one yet!
Mar 19th, 2008
Matt
Just being aware that your emotions mean *something* and that they shouldn’t alone dictate your actions is a huge step in the right direction.
Mar 19th, 2008
Albert
@ Cath: Thanks I feel heaps better. Glad to have you here as always. I’ve revamped the Welcome page, that could be your first port of call if you want to dig around my old posts.
@ Matt: Definitely, you’re right. Mindfulness / awareness is probably the key to all change. Thank you.
Mar 19th, 2008
LISA
Liked the post.
Comments on gambling ad make me want to see what you would have to say about the topic of Right Livelihood.
Thanks for your efforts.
Mar 20th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Lisa! That’s a fantastic idea for a post actually - I’ll write one up when I’m done with this mental series. As it applies to the ad, though, I really did not think that much, heh. I had played some online poker before, it was just some fun that took an hour or so a night, and when I got the ad request, that was all it meant to me - an online game, not that much different to the flash games I play sometimes. It wasn’t till a few days later that my friend reminded there were people with gambling problems.
Mar 20th, 2008
Hannelie
What is reality? Are’nt we always distorting reality? My husband asked me that the other day while talking about CBT. He is a big believer in CBT but also realises that he has learned to choose distortions that makes him feel good, positive, less defensive, more confident etc. - instead of miserable, defensive, negative. It has become such a part of his inner “reality”. I am always amazed how he can just shrug most things off and give a positive response or interpretation. I on the other hand gets angry, defensive, swear never to talk to the person again. I have all this inner turmoil because I interpreted the situation in a negative way. Even though the person was actually rude why not choose to interpret it in a way that is constructive to you?
Albert, do you know what postive intent is. Perhaps you could write something on it sometime.
Mar 20th, 2008
Albert
Great question Hannelie! What is reality? Aren’t we always distorting reality? Exactly, we are. But that is leaving the realm of psychology and going into spirituality. As long as there is an egoic “self”, a belief of “Albert”, “Hannelie”, “me”, I believe there will always be a distortion. Which is why I said bring it as close to reality as possible, not bring it to reality. Unless this core distortion of the “I” is removed, I believe that it is always distorted. There is always a little “me”, “mine”, etc in there. (again, I hesitated to write about this because this is just book knowledge at this point).
I don’t want to get spirituality and CBT mixed up so I didn’t discuss this in these few posts. Now, as discussed, I prefer to use CBT not just to feel good (which might cause ethical issues, as discussed), but to bring it to a fairer, more balanced perspective. Many times that involves shrugging off insults like your husband does. Often times, the more accurate description will still hurt, and that is fine with me. That can be healed with emotional work.
However, if you are getting angry and defensive it is likely that a core issue has been hit. I’m still writing up a series on this, but it will be a while before I can lay it out properly. It is a deep series and my thoughts are very disorganised right now. But wait for it, it might be just what you are looking for. Until then, using CBT to reframe it, or emotional work, might be the key (the core issue series is just an advanced version of these two series).
I’m not sure what you mean by positive intent? Is it on your behalf, or on their behalf? Could I get more info?
thanks for the comment
Mar 20th, 2008
Tom Stine
You know, I have studied psychology and theories of counseling and therapy, and yet I learned more about CBT in this article than in graduate school. My own view is that in the end, all good therapy results in CBT of some sort. However, even CBT has its limits. Ultimately, all thoughts are untrue.
Thanks for the link love. You’re a cool dude, Albert.
Lastly, casino ads? You know, I could care less whether you have casino ads or not, but given the nature of your blog, and the fact that many people are easily turned off by anything less than “pure”, I’m gonna have to go with take them off. I think you might lose more readers than dollars. And speaking of readers, I see you now have over 2100 RSS subscribers. Keep it up, my friend!
Mar 21st, 2008
Mr Positioning (Stanley Bronstein)
Everyone focuses on INAPPROPRIATE emotions. Personally, I believe most emotions are appropriate, but obviously, we need to live within the bounds of our society.
For example, if your spouse makes you mad, it might be okay to let them know that and to be angry, BUT it is NOT okay to hit them. In my opinion, today’s society restricts us by constantly focusing on what is “politically correct”. While that is important, it still boils down to one simple thing - just be a good person.
My mother taught me a lesson many years ago. if you can look over all your actions of the day and go to sleep soundly at night, with no guilt, no fear, then you had a good day.
Take care
Mr Positioning (Stanley F. Bronstein, Atty, CPA, Author and Professional Speaker)
Mar 22nd, 2008
Albert
@ Tom: Thanks for that praise my friend! You know I think you’re cool too hehehe. Yes, I’ve decided the same thing with the gambling advertisements - as the site grows bigger some readers might find it a contributing reason to feed a gambling addiction or something, and that will really hurt my conscience. Cheers for that honest opinion, I really enjoy having you here mate
@ Mr Positioning: That is a fantastic addition. I agree, the way we handle our emotions and the consequences make the difference, not the feelings in themselves. Your mother is very wise.
Mar 22nd, 2008
jWells - Advanced Life Skills
Is any emotion inappropriate if it truly represents how we feel? I would answer yes and no, depending on many complex and often unknown factors. Admittedly, many emotions are counterproductive, but that’s a different ball game, or is it?
Just funning Albert, great article - Thanks
Mar 25th, 2008
Albert
Hey Jwell
Hah, I know what you mean. I don’t believe in pushing our emotions away, but the way we react to it is important, just like you said.
Mar 25th, 2008
Ayman Sawaf
Albert, this is a beautiful and insightful article. Thank you for sharing your own personal story in the context of the broader issue - what to do with negative emotions? I was a pioneer of the application of emotional intelligence to business leadership, and now in my latest book, Sacred Commerce: The Rise of the Global Citizen, I reveal how emotional alchemy, which seems like a new idea to us, has been around for over five thousand years to increase positive energy and attract sucessful outcomes. One technique I’d like to share is the “drop of joy” visualization that was practiced by the merchant priesthood in Egypt - they were able to transform a “negative” emotion, such as anger, into its more positive reflection, courage, by recalling a joyful moment in their own lives. To be able to, in the moment, imaginatively draw from that emotion has a powerful resonance. And although the consensus is to label some emotions as negative, they are really not. Emotions only become negative when they’re not expressed - even love can hurt and anger can save one’s life! Emotions force us to focus on a certain path or direction, they bring us necessary information to make decisions and ultimately we can use their raw energy to transform reality.
Ayman Sawaf, co-author of the bestselling Executive EQ: Emotional Intelligence in Leadership and Organizations. “Executives looking for a guide to emotional understanding can find one here.” NY Times
Apr 9th, 2008
Albert
Hey Ayman - thank you for that insight! I’ll have to look for your book the next time I am in the bookstore, as it definitely sounds very intriguing.
Cheers, Albert.
Apr 9th, 2008
Play games
Emotions are definitely physiological triggers, indicators that a special event is occurring and we need to take action.
Anger: Someone violated a rule or expectation you had
Guilt: You violated one of your own rules or expectations
etc
But life is not just about experiencing, it’s also about acting. Equanimity allows you to better direct your own actions. Feeling joy and feeling sorrow are both part of being human, and you should experience both in your life to various degrees, but you should also recognize the difference between them and trying and create good in your life and in the world around you. “Not feeling sorrow” is not a bad thing if you are familiar with it and are keeping it out for a purpose. You should resist negativity not for its own sake but as a way to positively affect yourself and the world.
Jun 7th, 2008
Albert
Hey Play Games - thanks for that comment.
Jun 7th, 2008
Reply to “ How to Distinguish between Appropriate and Inappropriate Emotions - A Guide to Using Cognitive Techniques ”
DoFollow. Due to all the spammers, comments are now only Dofollow after a secret number of entries.