The Importance of Setting Personal Boundaries
When do we say no, and when do we say yes? Is saying no a sign of selfishness or a sign of strength? Is saying yes a sign of weakness, or a sign of generosity and compassion?
A perplexing question for so many travellers – do we set down boundaries, and if so, how? Some say boundaries are essential, for we have to look after ourselves. They say it is a sign of strength to be able to politely disappoint someone, or to firmly tell an abusive man to back off.
But others will say boundaries are essentially selfish, the sign of a petty man, a small hearted woman. If someone is being hurtful as a result of his own sadness, is it not right to show a compassionate response instead of leaving him? How can we call ourselves a friend if we turn down a request from someone in need?
This will be a strange thing to say: what if both sides are right?
The Butterfly and the Chrysalis
The metamorphosis from a caterpillar to a butterfly holds a haunting allure – it appeals to something raw, something primal inside us: a promise of rebirth.
When the time comes, a caterpillar first protects itself from the world, wrapped inside a chrysalis. Protected inside, it grows and strengthens itself until the day it is ready to emerge as a new being, whole and strong. When that day comes, it discards the protective shell, for it no longer needs one.
Perhaps that is the lesson. There will be a time we need to set our boundaries, to give ourselves a safe space to cherish, strengthen and heal ourselves for the journey towards health and compassion. And there will come a day it stifles us, and we have to relax them, or drop them altogether.
Boundaries
For many of us, a journey of personal development starts with limitations and a desire to overcome them. For many, these limitations are weaknesses – emotional suffering and instability, fear, an overwhelming need for the approval of others, sensitivity, and so on. Others might have suffered from emotional or physical abuse. Yet others feel they don’t deserve anything good in life. I remember reading about a woman; her self-esteem was so low she slept on the floor – believing herself unworthy of her bed.
The results are the same – an inability to set a healthy boundary. A flower that is constantly trampled on, a baby that is neglected – how can they flourish?
Rudeness and Negativity
The first type of person we set up boundaries against is the critic, or worse, the abusive person. Some might have good intentions; many don’t. Others attack because of their own unhappiness; they criticise in an attempt to ease their own pain, to feel better about what they are.
Without an ability to put their comments in perspective, even the most well-intentioned critic will sap away at our self-esteem. And this goes doubly so for the overtly hurtful – their words stick in our hearts and minds, corroding our happiness and ability to function.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
If you are a tall man, and your neighbour calls you a midget – you would simply laugh it off, for not a single cell in your being agrees with her.
What if she were to call you ugly, worthless, a worm – what then? How would you react? The degree of your reaction – whether it is aggression, anguish, defensiveness or simply withdrawal – reflects how much you secretly agree with her.
Heal those shames, remove all such self-judgement from your heart, and no longer will these words affect you. Only then can you drop your shell. When that day comes, a compassionate, mature response is not only possible, but it is the only choice we have.
Further Reading: Compassion and Finding the Servant Heart
Requests and Demands
The second category revolves around demands on your resources and time. There are countless factors to be considered here – it is impossible to give a blanket statement. Not all requests, for instance, are unfair and intrusive. Some might be tiring, unwanted, but you have an obligation to fulfil them; perhaps it is a demonstration of love. So all I can offer is a broad statement, one that is only meant to guide.
Generosity is an acknowledged virtue – but it is also unwise to give what we would need for ourselves. It is often unskilful to give when we would feel resentful, sick, or frustrated after we have done so.
Why is this so? We have confused genuine compassion with the masquerade. We have confused compassion born of strength with a weak imitation born of weakness. For many, giving does not come from generosity or selflessness – on the contrary, it comes from the utmost selfishness!
One gives, because he wants the other to like him, to accept him. Another gives, because she sees her time, her intrinsic worth as somehow less. And self-hatred is just another form of selfishness. So they continue giving, wearing a painted smile on their face – all the while thinking only of themselves, of how others see them.
Behind the Masquerade
When one gives from the mask, there is always the danger of anger and frustration. Selfishness always lurks behind the façade – one always fears the judgement of others, always wondering when they will get something in return.
I spent much of my younger years parading behind this masquerade – always giving, even when I didn’t want to. Always being taken advantage of; giving even when I was sick or tired; always afraid of disapproval. And when the criticism and abuse inevitably came, I crumbled.
Further, I was too afraid to ask for favours in return. No one displayed the same care I did. Little by little, the anger and frustration began to build. Anger when they did not reciprocate; frustration at never being able to say no. And one day it all came pouring out. Hatred at myself, hatred at the world – it was a painful time for me and those who loved me. It was a period I could have avoided if I had learnt one simple word – No.
Many people encourage such behaviour in themselves. They see themselves as a noble martyr, perhaps a victim. There are times the distinction between compassion and disguised selfishness is hard to make.
Take, for instance, a mother, sacrificing herself daily for her children. Which one is she? Only she knows. Mimicking compassion is different from feeling it, and only she knows what she is feeling. Might she better serve her children by taking some time off to nourish herself, simply so she has more to give in the future?
What are Boundaries?
The logical progression, then – what exactly are boundaries?
This shield can come in many different forms, but at its core, a boundary simply involves saying No. No to giving something; no to behaving in a certain way; no to being treated in a way that will hurt your heart, your body, your totality.
Personal boundaries can come in all facets of life – physically, emotionally, and mentally. You protect your body; you protect yourself from fatigue and stress, you protect your time, money, and even privacy. You protect your right to a basic level of respect and courtesy.
The first step, then, is to recognise that we have our own needs and values. For many, even this can sound like a shock – that is how defenseless they have been.
Immediately after this, a second recognition is vital. Just as you have your limits – so do other people. They have their own needs, wants, and feelings; just as you would want them to respect your boundaries, so would you have to respect theirs. An intrusive, overdeveloped boundary can be worse than an underdeveloped one. I read a newspaper report once, of a man who was speeding and ran over a pedestrian. His response was callous; she shouldn’t have been in the way. This is the trap we have to avoid.
A good boundary respects all parties involved; clear and firm, but non-aggressive. And as you begin to shield and stand up for yourself, you will be surprised at how the world begins to treat you. It is one of the most empowering things we can ever do for ourselves.
Nourishing the Flower
Some might find it hard to see the value in nourishing yourself first, and yet this is a common truth – you cannot give what you do not have. Unless you have love, unless you have found your own peace – whatever actions you take, no matter how outwardly beautiful, will be subtly contaminated.
As Osho says – let your flower blossom, water it, love it; and naturally it will release a fragrance. There will come a time when we see the well-being of others as inextricable from our own. Then your very presence will be of connection, of happiness and joy.
Further Reading: The Compassion series
The Dropping of the Shield
And when do we drop the shield? If you look closely, boundaries are essentially selfish – but they are a necessary first step. Barriers are there to stop us from getting overwhelmed, but like an armadillo – there is no way for us to connect with, touch, others on a deeper level. Some people throw up too many walls; their attempts at protection simply result in exile – isolation and loneliness.
As Lorne Ladner says in the beautiful Lost Art of Compassion
This feeling of genuine compassion is one of the most beautiful inner states one can feel – and this can get quickly addictive, leading us to drop our boundaries. But we cannot push past them too quickly – for we will simply fall back into our old, unhealthy, patterns.
Gently push past your boundaries, test them, when you feel the strength to – not the strength of a Tyson, but the strength that is born of having found your own peace, your own quiet power. Expand them, relax their grip, until the day you can drop them.
The End of Selfishness
And when that day comes, you might not even realise the simple fact – you simply don’t need it any more. This day came for me in a very strange manner. I share this story; not as a boast, but as the only way I could bolster my argument.
In Melbourne, there is a traffic law – cars cannot pull up next to a tram at a red light. A space is required for passengers to exit. A few weeks ago, during the Easter holidays, I was driving down the road, daydreaming as usual. I was not paying much attention to the traffic around me, and without knowing, I pulled up next to a tram at a red light.
The tram driver flew into a rage and rushed out, heaping abuse on me. I didn’t know why at first, but as he began writing down the license number of my car, I realised that I had made a mistake. I lowered the window to apologise.
It was a genuine apology; I had no intentions of trying to get out of the fine, but perhaps he took my motivations as such. He made a rude gesture with his finger and told me to have a happy Easter.
The light turned green, and I drove off. I was wondering how much the fine was going to be, I was thinking that he must have had a very bad day to react so strongly – when I suddenly realised that I carried no pain at his words and gestures. I was elated. This might be a small situation for many, but it was a tremendous milestone for me.
Cockiness and verbal abuse tied into my deepest wound – a feeling that I was unworthy of respect, insignificant, a worthless little worm. A year or two ago, I would have been tremendously upset, possibly furious. My thoughts would have been distorted, personalising his words, taking them as a reflection of my value as a human being. He would have stuck with me for months. That was the time a solid boundary would have been required.
Now all I felt was understanding. There was nothing I felt I could have, should have done. But if it was required, a compassionate response would have come without thinking.
And with that, the protective cocoon fell apart. There was no fear, no hesitance. It was simply no longer needed.
What’s Next?
We’ve discussed boundaries and what they are. In the next post, we’ll discuss guidelines and examples of how to set them. Subscribe now to get updates as I publish them.
Link Love
Todd Goldfarb runs We The Change, a great personal development blog, and had a relevant post recently, using the same butterfly and caterpillar metaphor: A New Realm of Consciousness for Humanity.
A good friend, Keith Johnson of Om Meditation, has released a YouTube Video with a quiet prayer. It is a beautifully done video; please have a look – The Sacred Syllable OM.
JEMi is the author of the personal development site www.InMyHeels.com | Tips for Life, Love, You. In it, you can expect to find a range of articles dedicated to providing you with insanely useful findings on self love, motivation, productivity, loss, and happiness to name a few. A recent posting – Who are You Really: The Definition and Redefinition of You.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS.(What does Subscribing / RSS mean?)
54 Comments, Comment or Ping
Steve
Great article man. Boundaries are sooo important and needs to be talked about more. Thanks for the good work and supporting me. I’ve revamped and started up my site again..
Thanks,
Steve
Apr 8th, 2008
JEMi | Tips for Life, Love, You
Albert, thank you for mentioning my blog!
I really appreciate it!
About the post: I am taken aback by just how much of this post resonates with me. For the gross majority of my life, I would give even when I couldn’t..sometimes out of generosity, and sometimes out of an inability to say no - most likey for fear of judgement. It was only last year when I really said no because I had to. The feared disappointment from the person came but I’m still standing. It took a lot for me to understand “you can’t give what you can’t have”.. no matter how much my mother would explain it to me.
There is a strong need for personal boundaries and this article explains it very well. There’s going to be that time when you need the moments to grow and to learn.
Thanks again and great piece
Apr 8th, 2008
Evan
Boundaries are hugely important I think.
One comment. The point of emergence from the coccoon is a time of great vulnerability. We need to care for ourselves when we let go of our old defenses.
A speculation. What happens when we change the metaphor from boundary to membrane. Membranes are semi-permeable and so the attention focuses to discernment and flexibility.
Is this worth thinking about or just me playing with words?
Apr 8th, 2008
Alex Kay
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
So true.
For someone to hurt you, you have to give them permission to do so internally first.
This post got me thinking about some stuff Albert, I really enjoyed reading it.
Keep up the good work!
Apr 8th, 2008
Albert
@ Steve: Good to see you back mate! The site is looking great!
@ Jemi: You’re welcome
Keep up the great work. Yes boundaries can be hard and scary sometimes. I’ve dealt well with some types of abuse, as the tram driver example, and there are one or two other types that I still have to work on.
@ Evan: You’re definitely right. I think certain boundaries need to be flexible and negotiable. Some have to be set in stone - physical violence, betrayal, etc - but everyday things require a membrane just like you said. As always, I appreciate your comments - they really give me a lot to think about.
Apr 8th, 2008
Albert
@ Alex: Thank you mate, I’m really happy to see you here so much.
Apr 8th, 2008
Clement Chee
Hi Albert,
You are right. Over the years, I have been trying to please everybody because I thought it would have made me a Mr Nice Guy.
I was wrong. I said yes to everyone and I ended up burning out. So somebody came to me and said that I need to learn to say No.
I was reading Stephen Corey’s ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ and he says in his book that, “Knowing when to say NO comes from a bigger yes from the inside.”
Enjoyed reading your post.
Clement..!
Apr 8th, 2008
Ben
Had to got through this twice - not because it was hard to read, but on the contrary having got to the end and read about the Tram incident in Melbourne, I could apply this directly back to some of the awful attitudes of some London bus drivers and try to recall similar incidents and how I reacted.
Reading through a second time helped me really think about all the “yes” answers I’ve done - in my youth I even told two girls I’d be with them because I was too frightened to say no to either of them ! And also got my onto how recent incidents of rude behaviour on buses affected me for a while, as I reacted rather the understood. Barriers always felt like a backward step, but I had never thought about there equal necessity for inward growth.
Really enjoyed the article, and glad your slowing down a little bit as otherwise I won’t find time to read all the articles of interest to the depth I’d like to ! I’m very happy I’ve found myself a path to spiritual growth I never knew existed or would benefit my happiness, and look forward to keeping the Urban Monk Blog as a part of this path.
Apr 8th, 2008
Albert
@ Clement: Thanks for that! That’s a great quote by Covey - rings very true. I’ll have to find my copy of that book, I bought one ages ago but never got past the first couple of chapters, that guy rambles on and on and on, boring the hell out of me
@ Ben: Thank you as well. I’m glad you found some relevance in the tram driver incident, I wasn’t sure if that was a good example. Not being able to say no to girls - ah, brings back memories. We’ve all been there
Thank you again for the kind words, and I’m glad my blog is helping.
Apr 9th, 2008
Shadowduck
Wow, Albert - I think that’s one of your best posts yet, so many parts of it struck home with me on so many levels. *round of applause* #8-)
Apr 9th, 2008
Albert
*blush* thanks shadowduck! One day you’ll have to tell me where you got your nickname from
Apr 9th, 2008
Tola Seng
Funny you mentioned trams, I just spent two months in Melbourne going to summer school at University of Melbourne and visiting family. The tram experience was new to me, LA doesn’t have them. I loved Melbourne tremendously. Beautiful city. Can’t wait to go back.
Good article, I too find myself saying “yes” too often. I realize it is based on fear, ultimately of being rejected. Something to work at. “generosity is an acknowledged virtue.” I like that.
Tola
Apr 9th, 2008
Shadowduck
It’s a long story, but it involved me being bitten by a radioactive duck at a secret government research facility. All other backstory on the International Mallard of Mystery is classified.
Apr 9th, 2008
Albert
Let me take a page from the books of all the teenagers who dominate FaceBook:
ROFL!
Apr 9th, 2008
Albert
@ Tola: I’m glad you liked Melbourne - it is really a great city, if a bit boring at nights, cos everything is shut down. Thank you for stopping by, I’m happy you’re here (on the blog)!
Apr 9th, 2008
Tom Stine
Albert, my friend, an excellent post, as usual. Now I have a question for you. Do you think boundaries are, in some sense, a defense motivated out of fear? I was listening to a talk by Adyashanti, and that was his contention. He maintained that as we open to the truth of who we are, then there is no need for boundaries because we always live from what is true. We always say no when we mean no and yes when we mean yes.
I’m not 100% sure I agree, and maybe this is a position “from the mountain top” so to speak, but I would like to hear your views.
Apr 10th, 2008
Shadowduck
“…there is no need for boundaries because we always live from what is true. We always say no when we mean no and yes when we mean yes.”
But surely even then, there are still boundaries? Perhaps not in the form of a shield to protect ourselves, but by saying ‘no’ it seems to me we are still drawing a line which shouldn’t be crossed. Perhaps we’re just not emotionally involved with the boundaries at this stage?
To take that thought further, what happens when we draw the line but someone crosses it anyway?
Apr 10th, 2008
Tom Stine
I should have added that Adyashanti also says: The Truth is not a doormat for anybody. No just comes out cleanly and easily. Funny that we feel that saying no is somehow a negative thing. No is just no.
I watched a very conscious person one time stand his ground in front of an attack, utterly unwavering, and willing to do whatever it takes to protect someone. Very cool.
Apr 10th, 2008
Albert
Hey guys - awesome discussion! I think Adya’s right in both senses. Boundaries can definitely come of fear, but what are you afraid of? Simply because you don’t think you’re strong enough to handle it, or you really aren’t strong enough to handle it. And in that case, you might just need some time to get stronger and then you’ll realise you don’t need it anymore. Same thing with the Tram driver - when I was a teen I went through an anti-social phase, I didn’t like going out at all, simply because I would meet some people who call me racist names and so on.
By staying home, it was a boundary, but probably an unhealthy one - I wasn’t taking time off to heal and go stronger, but just escaping from the world. A healthy boundary is probably where I retreat until I got stronger. The Tram incident was like I said a major milestone - things like that used to bother me a lot. Maybe Adya is speaking, like you said, from the other side - he has done a lot of work.
Shadowduck is right too - saying no when you mean no, seems like healthy boundaries to me. The classic example of someone with no boundaries is saying yes when they mean no. In fact there are many self help books out there that simply focus on saying No.
As to when someone crosses your lines anyway, I would say state the consequences in a firm but non-aggressive manner, and prepare to follow it up - it can’t be an idle bluff. Nothing like beating him / her up, but more like I’ll cut off all interactions, I can’t give you what you want, I’ll call the police, etc. And then do it. I’ll cover it more in the follow up
(I think this will become a 3-4 part series)
Apr 10th, 2008
Tom Stine
Albert, Nice reply. I have to say that with someone who has developed to a sufficient degree, it certainly does look like good personal boundaries. But they are so motivated by something else that it has no defensiveness to it whatsoever. At least, IMHO.
I look forward to Part 2.
Apr 10th, 2008
Shadowduck
Isn’t the internet a wonderful thing? I don’t think there’s any other period of history I could have joined this discussion in (nearly) real-time with two people who’s opinions I have great respect for, when we’re on three different continents! It’s great that you both take the time to respond to comments and talk to your readers (I read Tom’s blog too), I just hope I’m not imposing by asking so many questions!
As is so often the case with these things, I feel like I’ve nearly grasped the difference between a boundary for self-protection (whether out of fear or not) and the “post-cocoon” boundaries you’re both referring to, albeit in slightly different ways. It’s gradually sinking in that the real difference isn’t so much in what you do (though that will probably change), but in your attitude to and reasons for doing it. Am I on the right lines?
One of the areas I’m most interested in is the application of spiritual values and ideas to conflict situations. It’s easy to go slowly, breathe and smile when the sun’s shining and Mr Bluebird’s on your shoulder - the challenge (for me at least) is to maintain that attitude when everything’s going wrong and people are… Well, acting how most people do. I’m looking forward to the rest of this series!
Apr 10th, 2008
Albert
Hey guys - I think shadowduck is on the right line with this one. In my next drafted post, for instance, I’m saying that a passive surrender response can be bad - but there are many powerful people who also use it. It’s all in the details, and probably like you said the attitude is the right thing.
For instance, someone calls me worthless. If I surrender, I keep quiet, and I go home and cry about it. That’s because I secretly agree. If I have healed that wound, and I don’t believe for a single second that I am worthless, it is like someone calling me a midget (I’m six-four). There is no reactivity around my actions, and I can simply choose not to respond, to keep quiet and let them shout at me, knowing that it is their anger or whatever that is blinding them and causing them to see me as a midget. Superficially it might look the same. But inside there is a world of difference.
Same thing - someone with compassion can still say no. He or she can still refuse requests, walk away from a difficult person, call the police, or whatever, but the difference is whether that reaction comes from fear or from strength. I do believe that this strength comes from the emotional work I’ve been harping on for the entire blog - but most people including myself do not genuinely have such strength, hence the need for solid boundaries to protect themselves until they do.
Apr 10th, 2008
new zealand tourism
Very nice post, and very timely for me. I recently set some boundries with someone in my life, and of course I am now getting the selfish comments in return from them. I believe you are right when you say both parties ae right in these matters, but I only think most of the time. There are some occurances where one party does not have the right to think the boundry drawer is self-ish. When the boundries involve personal physical borders it is not self-ish at all.
Apr 10th, 2008
Tom Stine
Hey Albert, you’ve been harping on doing emotional work? Who would have thought?!
seriously though, your point is well made. What it seems to really boil down to, for most people, is simply learning to say no and to stand their ground. It can be a useful skill to acquire no matter where the no is coming from.
So you are 6′4″ and know martial arts, huh? Remind me to say nice things to you from now on!
Apr 11th, 2008
Tola Seng
Thanks Albert, love the blog…good reads.
This reminds me of when I first started training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. When I first started out, knowing that I had a lot to prove to others in the class, I would try my best to win every “rolling” session (spar). I had to prove my worth. Interestingly, the better I got, and the more I began to gain confidence in my abilities, the less “effort” I needed to exert. My success was coming from a place of quiet confidence, instead of a burning desire to prove myself.
Taken within the context of conflicts. There is no greater power, than to say “no” to a fight when you truly have confidence in your abilities to win. It is only when you absolutely trust yourself to win, that it is easy for you to avoid conflicts. Otherwise, you may be avoiding out of fear.
So when you say “no” is it from an unwavering trust in yourself? - or from a fear of failing - or being harmed?
Tola
Apr 11th, 2008
Suzie Cheel
I just love this quote
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
How true and so important to remember to value yourself and really believe in yourself, saying no makes such a difference to my life.
Realising I don’t have to please everyone else before I please/take care of me first so I can take care of others so more effectively
Thank you
Suzie
Apr 11th, 2008
Albert
@ NZ Tourism: It is quite a complex issue, isn’t it? Very hard to set solid rules or anything, guidelines are more appropriate perhaps heh. Thank you for the comment.
@ Tom: I can also do a death touch via email and phone.
@ Tola: That is a great example! I did a bit of BJJ (never got past white belt though hahaha!) and the most I ever learnt about personal power was from my instructor - like you said, he was a quiet guy, friendly, funny and polite - but man he could rip you into tiny little pieces. Obviously we all can’t spend the 10 years or what ever to get a black belt, but I do think that the confidence can come even without learning to be an ass kicker. Good to meet a fellow ex-roller
@ Suzie: That quote is great isn’t it? I fell in love with it the first time I saw it. Thank you for your perspectives, I’m glad to have you here.
Apr 11th, 2008
Tom Stine
“@Tom: I can also do a death touch via email and phone.”
Albert, now you’re just bragging.
I think your next post needs to be on inflated egos!! 
Apr 12th, 2008
Angie
Wow, so needed this today! I need to set boundaries and take care of ME! LOL!
Great blog by the way.. ;0)
Apr 13th, 2008
Albert
Thank Angie
Heh, I can feel your vibrancy and happiness through your comments.
Apr 13th, 2008
Motivational Posters
According to me, boundaries are so important. Alsoı, what do you think of this quote?
“Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is necessary. It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self - and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.”
Apr 13th, 2008
Evan
Hmm, not sure. I guess I think caring for ourselves is one way of owning our lives. Being unkind to ourselves would still mean that we own our self - just that we are unkind to it. (I’m not recommending being unkind to ourselves.)
I guess I think we should invite people to co-create a world where we are kind to each other (including ourselves).
Apr 13th, 2008
Evan
There is an excellent post by Patricia on her struggle to establish healthy boundaries (she distinguishes them from walls which are inflexible) here.
http://patriciasingleton.blogs.....viors.html
It is also excellently written.
Apr 13th, 2008
Albert
Heh, I actually liked the quote quite a lot. I think it refers to the fact that we all have to own our right to respect, safety, and equal treatment - and yet it also acknowledges that life is not always fair and we don’t get it as often as we would like (hence the “co-creators”, rather than creators”).
Apr 13th, 2008
Robert @ reason4smile
Hi Albert, I’m learning a lot about boundaries from Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, Changes That Heal. Practically the book helps me a lot on understanding what I need to do to set boundary and say NO!
A quote that gives me my AHA moment from the book…
Isn’t that so true? Besides intimacy, personal boundaries also helps to understand our limitation and others.
My full article:
Let’s say NO!
Cheers,
Robert
Apr 14th, 2008
Albert
Thanks Robert, it sounds like a great book given that quote! I’m going to check out your article right now!
Apr 14th, 2008
Jackmo
Hi Albert,
long time reader, first time poster. That was a great post and I really like the quote:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
At work (as a trainer) I quickly learnt the importance of setting boundaries for people from the outset. By failing to set boundaries for a group of people you are responsible for, when you have to correct them - and you will - they will resent you for it. By making it clear from the start and easing into freedom people won’t take you for granted and won’t take it personally when you have to modify their behaviour - because they expect it.
cheers again,
Jack
p.s. I’ve only ever read your site through a reader but now I’ve seen it, it looks hot :p
Apr 16th, 2008
Albert
Hey Jack! Yes that quote really caught my eye and stuck with me for a long time too. It’s great how you mentioned boundaries at the start - I never thought of it that way. Would you mind if I made a mention of that in my follow up to this series?
Apr 16th, 2008
Entrepreneurs
This is a good article on setting boundaries. There’s always the good side of it and it’s not bad after all.
Apr 16th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Entrepreneurs!
Apr 16th, 2008
Rx4Life.info
Albert thats awesome you did bjj! I love it. I never got past my white belt either
but im training again and one of my long term goals is to be a black belt.
Tola
Apr 17th, 2008
Albert
Hey Tola
Go for it man, I know you can get it! All I got after all that time I put in was a half decent triangle choke haha!
Apr 17th, 2008
jWells - Advanced Life Skills
Hi Albert,
Great post, I just had to share it with our readers.
Kindest,
Jonathan
Apr 28th, 2008
Albert
Thanks Jonathan, glad you liked it
Apr 28th, 2008
Mark
Setting boundaries was always a big problem for me. I never knew why I couldn’t say no to people and just chalked it up to me being a “nice guy” always willing to help even if it would hurt me. This post has really helped me to overcome this and I hope it keeps helping folks. Earned yourself another reader btw.
May 1st, 2008
Albert
Hey Mark, good to have you here!
May 1st, 2008
Lifeplayer
I totally agree with what the Authour said “you cannot give what you do not have” & that’s why it’s important for us to set our personal boundaries as we are all human.
To me, perhaps only God doesn’t need to set His boundaries.
May 11th, 2008
Albert
Hey Life Player - thank you for the comment. Good to have you here
May 12th, 2008
Keyboard Tray
It is important to set boundaries as noted by the author in the above post. It is just as important to set goals, and follow this to achieve what you want in life. It doesn’t have to be monetary, but personal, and for yourself. This was a long post, but very informative.
thank you for the knowledge
May 14th, 2008
Better Interpersonal Communication
Nice post. It is always difficult to strike a balance between being open and with maintaining your own personal boundaries. Many grey areas here.
Jul 8th, 2008
Reply to “The Importance of Setting Personal Boundaries”
Do not waste your time. If you are promoting a product, keyword stuffing, or plain rude, your comment will simply be deleted. Opposing viewpoints are always welcome, but please keep it classy.
DoFollow. Due to all the spammers, comments are now only Dofollow after a secret number of entries.