In the previous post, we spoke of the importance of developing personal boundaries. The question remains, then – how?
The first step is recognition; it always is. This step might seem silly, absurd – but for many, an important step. Recognise first and foremost that you have a right to boundaries. Do everything you can – affirmations, meditations, or social support – to drive that point in: you have a right to be respected, to be safe, and to be treated as an equal. We have to take care of ourselves, no one else can do it for us.
As Claudia Howard put it in The Self-Esteem Workbook
With that first recognition, the second is to recognise where our boundaries have been lacking, perhaps where they have been overdeveloped.
It can be shocking to see just how widespread our lack of protection is, how insidiously common our lack of self-worth is. It extends beyond the major – remaining in an abusive relationship, for instance – and creeps into the minor, the everyday.
I remember one particular Christmas dinner when I was a teen. I was at a fancy restaurant, lining up at a buffet, feeling good in my best clothes, when someone cut right in front of me and started piling her plate. My chest slumped immediately, but I kept quiet, pretending to be above the pettiness. I told myself a real man would not kick up a fuss over something so small. And the strange thing was, perhaps someone who really was compassionate might really have brushed it off – it might genuinely mean nothing to them – but the difference is internal. Inside myself, I was hurt – was I not equal to her, not worthy to get respect from her?
A similar way a lack of boundaries shows up is in being unable to ask for what you deserve. A few years ago, when I first started my web design business, I would put all my effort into my work – and when the time came to ask for payment, I didn’t dare to! I felt I did not deserve it. Senseless and irrational when I think about it now; but it was my reality then.
A final example – this time of a strange phenomenon, one I do not know how to classify. It is simple: are you taking unhealthy responsibility for other people? When a loved one is feeling upset, yes – care for them, make them laugh, put a smile back on their face. But do we feel upset with them; do we jump into the water and drown next to them? Do we take responsibility if they refuse to smile, or blame ourselves for something that is beyond our control?
Take a moment now – be brutally honest with yourself. Where are your boundaries overdeveloped, where are you stepping on other people’s toes – and where are your boundaries non-existent or underdeveloped?
Here are some questions to guide your search. They are not exhaustive; please use them as a springboard for your own questioning.
Remember that boundaries can come in many forms – social, physical, mental, emotional. They also extend to your possessions, time, and other resources.
A list of cognitive distortions and how to combat them is very helpful when trying to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy boundary.
Further reading: Knowing and Mastering Your Thoughts with CBT
The real work comes after such preparation. When you are going about your day – can you notice when has someone crossed the line?
For many, that is all we need to begin with. It is unrealistic to expect ourselves to enforce our boundaries straight away, for such patterns are often deeply ingrained. For now, simply take notice.
Spend a few days living with the above questions in mind. Pay particular attention to situations that leave you hurt, unhappy, or simply feeling drained. At the end of each day, write down all the situations.
At the end of a week, look at your answers again – compare them to the original list you made. You’ll be surprised at how much more you have noticed, I guarantee it.
At this point you can begin setting your limits. Learn to protest an offence – speak up and tell someone when they have hurt you, when they are taking advantage of you. Learn to say no. Learn to ask for what you want. Learn not to take unnecessary responsibility. Reduce or cut off all contact with those who put you down, or do not support you. Spend more time with those who do.
Again, it might be wise to take little steps. Jumping into the deep end, so to speak, works for some people but for many the inevitable setbacks will discourage them and often cause them to give up.
The third part of this series will give more definite guidelines and techniques, but for now a relevant post is one I wrote a few weeks ago on transcending your fears and living your life purpose. While it is geared towards work and life purpose, it is essentially a guide on beginning to take action. I highly recommend it.
I’ll give some examples on how we can begin to relate that post to our current one:
Are you giving too much, or allowing someone to take advantage of you, because you genuinely care? Or are you hiding your fear and insecurities behind a façade of altruism?
There are often deep, irrational fears that hold us back from even the slightest actions. Again, these can be quite shocking and irrational once exposed, but they live underneath our awareness, influencing us. If you speak up to someone who cuts you off in front of a line, are you avoiding a commotion, or is there something that you are unconsciously afraid of?
Perhaps you are scared of being humiliated? You might even irrationally believe that you will be physically attacked, and things will escalate into an accidental death. Examine these fears. Are they likely to happen? What would a more realistic consequence be? Would that really be the end of the world? If you protested an offence, and got into a shouting match – would it really be that bad?
If I told a cheating girlfriend that I will not stand for her behaviour anymore, a likely consequence is a break-up. Having an emergency plan for such occasions will decrease the fear, and make it more likely for me to take action.
What are the costs and benefits of remaining weak, or taking a risk and speaking up for yourself? Laid out on paper, with brutal honesty, you will find that the continued damage to your self-esteem and happiness far outweighs the benefits of being stepped on, if there are any.
My favourite tool by far is the 5% statement from Nathaniel Branden’s masterpiece, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
Some examples of boundary statements:
If I was to stand up for my rights just 5% more today, I would __________.
If I was to show 5% more self-respect today, I would __________.
To finish off this post, my opinion on some of the questions raised at the end of the last post. The first – are some boundaries caused by fear? Definitely; it is another form of an unhealthy boundary.
A perfect example would be those who retreat for far too long after a broken relationship. Broken hearts need time to heal; it is normal to need some time alone. But some people remain unable to open their hearts for years or decades, unable to risk being close to another lover. This is a boundary, a form of protection, but that sense it is very unhealthy.
Perhaps the difference is in their state of mind. Are they retreating out of fear? To indulge in their misery? Or do they cocoon themselves, and heal, get stronger?
And this answers another question – what are the differences between boundaries born from strength, and boundaries born of weakness? One man can handle the same intrusion in the same way as another; yet the results will be completely different.
Perhaps the difference lies once again in their state of mind. Someone who is strong, or perhaps no longer needs a protective shell, can still react in a way that seems passive or even weak.
A stronger example: In my martial arts and boxing days, I was friends with many skilled fighters, and we often went out drinking on the weekends. There was one time a drunken man tried to pick a fight with an ex-national champion, spitting at his feet and calling him names – and yet he remained quiet and walked away. I thought it was a sign of weakness, but now I realise it was a sign of power – self-restraint.
Perhaps a more everyday example would be helpful in distinguishing our internal attitudes: when the woman at the Christmas buffet cut me off, I remained silent out of fear. Fear of humiliation, fear of drawing attention to myself, perhaps. I tried to act magnanimous, but the perceived insult remained in my head for a long time, and my self-esteem suffered tremendously.
In the previous post, I discussed a rude tram driver who overreacted to my traffic violation. Outwardly, my actions were the same as they were when I was a teen. I remained quiet, not willing to make a fuss over something small. But this time, my self-esteem and my happiness were completely unaffected.
Someone who no longer needs their defences can still say no. They can still refuse requests, walk away from a difficult person, or call the police on a violent drunk. However, their actions are fuelled by wisdom, practicality, or perhaps courage. Not fear, not weakness, not sadness.
This ultimately returns to same question raised at the start of the series: when do we raise our defences?
And the answer is simple: when we will be hurt.
Many of my readers are fans of Eckhart Tolle – this is one fan site that I liked. Of particular usefulness are the forums, where some very brilliant and big-hearted people reside.
One of the best spiritual blogs out there is Sri Chinmoy Inspiration, run by Tejvan Pettinger. A recent post you might like: Effective strategies for developing will power.
Last but definitely not least, I’d like to say a big hello to James Bishop of Finding Optimism. He blogs about health in response to mental illness, and his story is very inspiring. A recent post: Out of Clutter, Find simplicity.
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What an excellent series! This article is insightful and thorough, and your personal examples illustrate your points clearly. Thank you so much, I’m finding these articles very helpful.
Thanks Mags! I love the name of your blog too, very humourous
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I’m not sure what happened this morning, but Life decided that worthiness was the theme of the day. And what is your first step? Recognition of Worth. I was telling a client just now that the bottom line to financial abundance is “Do you feel you deserve to be completely abundant?” And here you are, Albert, saying to people, “Do you feel you deserve to be completely respected?”
If you do truly feel you deserve respect, you will have it. You won’t need anything else. We all know those people whose mere presence calls forth respect. They get it because they call it forth. I agree with what you said, Albert, do whatever you gotta do to get this point. Great post!
Thanks for link love Albert and another thoughtful post. I like the emphasis on self respect, because it is always so easy to remember our mistakes and weaknesses too much.
Hi Albert,
I’m not sure what you mean by ‘recognition’ of worth. When you talk about ‘driving that point in’ it sounds much more like talking ourselves into something.
The rest of the article is great though. I think it is best to begin with recognition of what we do – the process of setting boundaries – we all do it, so there is always something to start with.
In the jargon taking unhealthy responsibility for others is called being ‘over-responsible’. It can be due to a kind of megalomania – believing we can do more than we can, or narcissism – believing we are the focus of life and so are required to do something about everything, or sentimentality – feeling devoid of thinking (thinking devoid of feeling is just as bad I think).
@ Tom: Thank you my friend! Worthiness seems to be a current theme in my life too.
@ Tejvan: My pleasure mate
Good to have you here.
@ Evan: Hmm…recognition of worth is mostly targeted to those who don’t see themselves worthy of having boundaries in the first place. By that I mean they think it is OK for people to push them around, and so on. There are probably a million and one ways to drill in the fact that they deserve respect, but I left that part short as the post will go off-topic otherwise. Thanks for the additional insights, as always. You know I love having you here
What a great topic. I’ve spent the better part of the last week thinking and talking about this issue.
My problem is with enforcing boundaries. I can recognize mine, and even speak up about them, but when someone “disagrees” with my boundary or continues to break it anyway, I often don’t know what the next step should be. (Or I do, but I’m afraid to take it because it may mean walking away from the relationship altogether… or it’s tied into self-worth, as in, maybe I “shouldn’t” have that boundary anyway). Instead, I’ll explain myself over and over, or get into an argument about it, neither of which is healthy.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks Elaine! I do believe that sometimes you just have to be prepared to walk – if someone is constantly disrespecting you, do you really want to be with someone like that? There could be a fear of loneliness or a fear of the unknown in play. The next part of this series will go into more detail, but for now, play with this thought:
When you have a thorn in your skin, and it has been there for a long time, the pain is there but you are habituated to it. When you pull it out, it will hurt more than usual, but it only lasts for a few minutes. And then you’re free of it forever. Which one would you rather pick – continued pain that wears away at you forever, or a five minute burst of pain? Granted in your situation – walking away from someone special – it will last a lot more than 5 minutes, but you get my point
It might last more than 5 minutes, but that’s still a good image. The stress of violated boundaries PLUS the stress that comes with the constant fear of losing that person always adds up to more than the burst of pain that comes with breaking ties once and for all.
I learned this recently – I was surprised that I could handle the end of a relationship much better than I predicted, and how much pain I’d caused myself simply by worrying about it.
Beautiful! Glad to hear that
Hope you’re doing well with this issue.
Albert,
Your posts again and again speak directly to me, and yet I can see by the comments that I am not alone with this.
I have trouble with setting and maintaining clear definiitive boundaries as well as recognizing when they have been violated. You outline it precisely with your examples: avoiding confrontation, avoiding attention and trying to please.
I have known for decades that this is a problem for me, but haven’t gotten very far into the correction of it. Now I am at a crossroads in my life and what I am hearing from the fronts is that the first step is to become aware. So I am being with what is and observing. Noticing, as you say.
I look forward to future posts in this series, and I often re-read previous posts and check out your links. Thank you for not giving up on your blog.
~Diane
another great series. thanks for the insightful article. I has been very helpful to me and I think lots of other people will feel the same way too.
@ Diane: Thank you for your support as always. I cannot tell you how encouraging they are to me, especially when stress and fatigue sets in.
@ Sam: Thank you too! All these little words of thanks, like I said, really make a difference.
I enjoyed this post, and I’d add that much of the growth in my own ability to set boundaries has come from focusing my attention in the present moment. Fears stemming from old experiences — particularly those from when I was a kid, and thus risked more by asserting myself — used to block me when I’d think about refusing someone’s request. By bringing my awareness to how my body feels from the inside, or focusing on details in my surroundings, I can remove my focus from those outdated fears and set whatever boundaries need to be created in my present circumstances. — Best, Chris
Hey Chris that is a fantastic piece of advice, thank you for that!
Albert,
I just discovered your blog, and I’m amazed at the thought and time that must go into writing your blog posts.
Thank you for this post, it’s helped me to see the boundaries that I put up around myself in a completely different way.
David
Hey David,
Thank you for the compliments
. I’m glad you’re here, and I’m gonna check out your blog right now!
Great posts! I am starting to set boundaries and find myself getting stronger each time I do! Thanks!
Glad you like Angie
Great article – it got me thinking about perspective. For me “when someone cut right in front of me and started piling her plate,” this would be no reflection on my worthiness. I would see it as a reflection of that person’s attitude(their upbringing, their manners). or I would assume their actions were without intent, they didn’t see me or they were paying more attention to the food. many times people are not intentionally crossing boundaries, rather it is what we interpret as to the intent of their actions.
Thanks, Tom (TRCoach)
Thanks Tom – it is funny how people can see different things in a totally different light, isn’t it? I do believe it stems back to our core beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world. They subconsciously color our perspectives, just as you point out.
A good read! . “Taking the First Step towards Personal Boundaries”
! Thanks!
Thanks Kredi
If you do truly feel you deserve respect, you will have it. You won’t need anything else. We all know those people whose mere presence calls forth respect. They get it because they call it forth. I agree with what you said, Albert, do whatever you gotta do to get this point.
Thank you for this post, it’s helped me to see the boundaries that I put up around myself in a completely different way.
Thank you guys, I’m grateful for your words.
another great series. thanks for the insightful article. I has been very helpful to me and I think lots of other people will feel the same way too.
Great article – it got me thinking about perspective. For me “when someone cut right in front of me and started piling her plate,” this would be no reflection on my worthiness. I would see it as a reflection of that person’s attitude(their upbringing, their manners). or I would assume their actions were without intent, they didn’t see me or they were paying more attention to the food. many times people are not intentionally crossing boundaries, rather it is what we interpret as to the intent of their actions.
Thanks, Tom (TRCoach)
Thank you guys
Hi Albert
Can you elaborate on an emergency plan, especially referring to the example you gave under that heading?
Thanks
Hi Albert
Sorry – forgot to check notify…Can you elaborate on an emergency plan, especially referring to the example you gave under that heading?
Thanks
Hmm…can be anything I guess. If you know you’re going to have a break-up, then be prepared to “recover” from a break-up, for instance. It differs according to the individual. Some might like to have some DVDs to take their minds off the break-up, or put aside some time to deal with the heartache that might result, or whatever.
i love recognition, our best moments were doing it… after fight there is always much better because you need to expres all the love that you didnt during this time.
sometimes i just want to fight to get after my recognition price
Completely agree with you. However I prefer to avoid fights and try to solve everything before getting into problems. Much safer
. Anyway, recognition is very confortable
THanks =)
Great post! thank you very much
Hi Albert,
Thanks for a great article, I really appreciate it.
I know where my boundaries are, the soft ones and the hard ones. I do reevaluate them and adjust them and I do not think I have low self-esteem. Yet it is an unmistakeble fact that my boundaries get violated often and that I have in three relationships (the past 20 years) ended up with people that violated my boundaries. I do speak up and ask the person to stop, but I am not effective. Often they do not stop and I pick a quarell and start argumenting why they should not have done this and ask them to respect me and not to repeat. Quarelling and rationalising obvious things does not work. It seems to be reenforcing their perception that they can continue. Maybe because I take out steam but I do not retaliate, I just wait for them to behave from then on – but they do not…
I wonder about the following:
- Why do e.g. colleagues steal my ideas and not others’ ideas? It must be somehting in the way I behave that invites violations, that makes them think they can get away with it.
- How do I change that, I do not know what it is.
- How do I stop them after a violation has taken place? If I just ask them to stop they deny the whole thing. Shall I threaten? Reason? Sulk?
- Clearly, leaving a relationship where boundary violations take place may be necessary. I still feel that the clue is to prevent things from getting that far – that that is where I fail. I think violations could be avoided if only I were better at setting my boundaries in the first place, being authoritative and convincing that I will not tolerate violations.
- How do I make it clear that my boundaries shall not be violated?
Thanks!!
Jody
Hi Jody, I really appreciate that you look up to me in such a way. Unfortunately, as discussed in my comments policy, I am not qualified (and therefore it would be unethical of me) to give out advice on a one-on-one basis. I hope you understand. Thank you so much for your comment.
Albert,
Thanks! I did not mean that you should give me advice on one-to-one basis, you don’t know me
I would appreciate your thoughts and comments, and others’ thoughts. They may point in a direction I have not thought of, may have had similar experience and have found a way to improve this aspect that can give me an idea. Sometimes it does not take more than awareness.
Thanks again!
Jody
Hi Jody, thanks again for the comment. I waited a while to see if anyone else would reply but it seems that this post is so old that no one else is monitoring it. Hmm… maybe the stevepavlina.com forums might be a good place to post your questions? I used to lurk there for a bit and there are some very knowledgeable people there. Hope that helps
Albert,
Thanks very much! I searched in the net and found the following article/ set of articles on the subject: http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
I guess I have a lot of figuring out to do. Pity I did not manage to start this process a bit earlier in life.
Jody
Thanks for that link, I skimmed thru it just now, and it looked like a really nice write-up. Don’t worry, we all wish we started this stuff sooner, but I think there will come a time when you realise that in the past, we simply weren’t ready for it. It happened at a perfect time.
Thank you! This information is valuable.
@ Laura: You’re welcome!
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