How to Deal with Critics: Personal Boundaries, Part 3
Mulla Nasruddin had invited a self-important but famous scholar to his house for a meal. When the scholar arrived at Mulla’s house, he knocked and knocked, but there was no answer – Mulla had forgotten about the appointment.
The scholar looked through the windows, but there was no one at home, and he got angrier and angrier. How dare he keep ME waiting?, he thought. In a fit of fury, he took a brush and inscribed, as largely as he could, the word “IDIOT!” on Mulla’s door. Then he threw the brush down and left in a huff.
Nasruddin returned home not long after and saw what the scholar had left for him. Immediately he began running after the scholar.
I am so sorry! I am so sorry! he yelled. I had completely forgotten; I only remembered when I saw that you had left your name on my door!
Setting Boundaries
This post is a follow-up to the Personal Boundaries series. The first two were quite broad; this post goes in slightly more depth. How do we deal with the various intrusions on our boundaries?
You can find the first two parts here:
Understanding Human Nature
Mulla Nasruddin is one of my favourite characters; his childish persona conceals much wisdom. And he demonstrated one vital point in that story:
When someone abuses you, perhaps, just perhaps – the problem does not lie with you, it lies with them!
If someone is harsh and critical, there are so many possibilities. Why make it into a problem with you? Perhaps they were just tired; going through a difficult period in their lives. They might be looking at a negative stereotype, a caricature in their head and not who you really are – why take their words to heart?
Perhaps you just happened to be in the way of their pain. Their anger had to be let loose, and if you weren’t there, they would have done the same thing to someone else. Realise this deeply, carry it in your heart when you walk the world. By and by you will become immune to the barbs and wires of such men and women.
Does the Problem Lie With Us?
However, the opposite can sometimes be true – is that person really violating our boundaries, or are we over-reacting? Just as a critic can react harshly to an innocent comment, so can we. Perhaps we have genuinely made a mistake, and they have every right to be angry. How do we know where the problem lies?
It is important to realise we never see the world as it is. Our emotional state, our physiological state – perhaps even the movie we saw last night – and countless other factors constantly influence the way we see the world. If I was in a good mood, for example, I might ignore a driver who cuts me off on the highway. What if I haven’t slept in days, or if I just had an argument with my best friend? The same driver, the same action – a very different reaction.
Similarly, core issues also influence the way we see things. I once knew a girl who suffered from abandonment issues – she feared being left alone more than anything else. One day she called me up in a panic. She had come back from a holiday and her boyfriend was twenty minutes late to pick her up from the airport – and she automatically assumed he didn’t want her anymore. The more logical explanation was also the real reason – he was stuck in traffic.
A Rational View
With this in mind, then, the first step is obvious – get a rational, realistic perception of the situation. Who is truly at fault? Do you need to make amends? Are they truly attacking you, or are your emotions colouring your perception? What actions do you need to take?
Study the list of cognitive distortions – watch for them – both on your part, and theirs!
Further Reading: Knowing and Mastering Your Thoughts with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
Our Reaction
The next thing is to consider our reaction. There will be many times where we simply have to protect ourselves, or defuse the situation so nobody gets hurt. Very often – when there is a threat of physical violence, perhaps – the best thing to do is to simply remove yourself and cut off all contact.
But attacks can come in such subtle ways – snide verbal attacks and backhanded compliments on your character, your value, your worth. How does one react? It is beneficial to first know how one is not to respond.
The Wrong Responses
These responses can be broadly categorised into aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive.
Aggressive responses:
Aggression might feel good for a while, and it might even seem effective because some people will retreat. But – and this is common knowledge! – aggression breeds aggression. Others will cut themselves off from you; yet others will retaliate, and all you end up with is more pain.
We have to realise that sarcasm is also a form of aggression, the disguised attack of a coward. Yet this is a very natural tendency, and one has to be on the alert for it in all its various forms. I know enough not to raise my voice in anger when I am under attack, but if I meet someone who is snide, cocky – my natural urge is to cut them down in a similar fashion.
Defensiveness is in the gray zone between aggression and passiveness. It is still reactivity, trying to brush off the attack, pretending it doesn’t hurt, or awkwardly changing the topic. Naturally, it is important to note defensiveness is different from protection – protection should always be a priority.
Passive responses:
The second unskilful response is passiveness, a form of surrender. You remain silent, or you apologise, and agree with their judgement of you. This might work temporarily, for it can be a good way of stopping a critic in their tracks. The anguish, of course, comes afterwards. The wound remains, bleeding long after the conflict is over.
As we discussed in the previous post of the series, however, a passive response can also come from someone who has dropped their boundaries – but theirs is a quietness born of strength, not of weakness. Until one has reached that level, passiveness is a destroyer of self-esteem.
Passive-Aggressive responses:
The last response is a curious mix of the first two. On the surface, it looks like surrender, and yet the aggression remains, disguised in various ways. When I was in university, for example, I was once pressured into doing a friend’s homework for her. I didn’t want to do it, for I was tired and stressed. But I could not stand up for myself – I was afraid she would not like me – and I grumbled and complained under my breath as I did it. Even worse, I did a lousy job on purpose, knowing that she will fail. So what? I reasoned. It wasn’t my fault.
Such pettiness and cowardice! In many ways this is the worst of the responses. My self-esteem was already suffering from the initial surrender, the meek yes response; and it took another blow when I realised how cowardly my counter-attack had been.
A Naturally Mature Response
All ineffective responses reveal something very strange, something deeper – you secretly agree with them! If your skin is whole, and someone scatters salt on your arm, there will be no pain. It is the same with verbal barbs and stings – a tall man can only laugh when someone calls him a midget. Where does the anger or surrender come from? He will instinctively know the fault lies with the critic, not him.
Salt can only hurt us if it reaches a cut in our skin; an insult can only sting if there is already pain in our heart. If someone was to call you hideous, worthless – would there be anger? Only if we hide a deep insecurity. Our true work, then, is to build our self-worth, to heal our wounds and our false images of unworthiness so that they no longer bleed.
A mature, effective boundary comes naturally when the metamorphosis is complete; when the butterfly has blossomed. Until then, the best we can do is a practiced, reasoned response.
Honest and Direct
The key to a mature response is honest, straightforward communication – making sure there is neither defensiveness, nor aggression. They might have made a mistake; but they are not the mistake – they do not deserve to get attacked. Correct the person, telling him or her how you wish to be treated, and state what you are or are not willing to do.
While it would be impossible to cover all scenarios, I’ve found three general guidelines to be tremendously helpful:
- Honesty
- Directness
- Self-Protection and Care
An Example
A few years back, I used to work with a woman who was very rude and condescending. My tendency then was to respond in kind. She will disguise an insult as a compliment, and I would do the same. This went on for a few meetings, until I realised that I was being aggressive because I had secretly agreed with her, a sign of my low self-esteem. One day, we were at another meeting, and she began her attacks again.
I decided to simply be direct and state what we were both doing, and to honestly admit that we were both wrong. Lastly, I made sure that I was taking care of myself, and perhaps her, with the response.
“We have both been very childish,” I said. “Let’s stop insulting each other, and concentrate on the task at hand. It will make our interaction much more pleasant, and we will both get the job done in much less time.”
She was so surprised she became quiet and we finished the meeting in peace. Naturally, how polite or firm I am will differ according to the situation, and that statement might not have been the best – but it was the best I could think of on the spot.
There is another benefit to directness and honesty – just as our perceptions are clouded, so too, are theirs. They might think they are being powerful or assertive, when they are just being obnoxious and childish.
Stronger Insults
I have found these three guidelines enough for most difficult people. But there will always be some who are much more difficult or extremely self-centred. Again, the urge is to fall back to the ineffective response styles, but it is doubly important to resist the urge.
I’ve found that a good option is to state a consequence of their continued attacks. Again, this is not to threaten, or hurt – that would be falling back into aggression. Sometimes, you would have to decrease contact or simply end the relationship, refuse to give them what they want, or make a report to the authorities.
It is important to be ready to enforce the consequences. This is another reason for honesty – we cannot bluff or threaten aggressive consequences like violence.
Holding your ground in a firm but non aggressive way is challenging, but it will be an incredible learning experience. It is likely that readers will have a better tips and guidelines for such situations; I would love it if you shared them in the comments.
Further Reading: More Assertiveness and Self-Respect
Link Love
A special link love today, to a genuinely great and knowledgeable guy, and also a thank you for being a sponsor.
Tim Brownson is a UK born Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner now living in Orlando, Florida. He coaches people one-to-one either face-to-face or via the telephone. Read his blog at A Daring Adventure.
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34 Comments, Comment or Ping
MrAchievement.com (Stanley Bronstein)
Excellent article.
I’ve found that, in most circumstances, people will only go as far as WE allow them to go. So yes, sometimes the problem does lie within US.
As a lawyer, I’ve been involved in lots of negotiations. Occasionally, I have found it necessary for one side to push back and draw a line in the sand, in order to get the other side to back off.
In fact, sometimes I’ve seen that as a negotiating strategy. Someone will push and push and push until the other side finally gets angry. The minute the other side gets angry is when they know they’ve pushed as far as they possibly can and then they go ahead and make the deal. That’s their style of negotiating.
The bottom line is, sometimes you have to reestablish boundaries when somebody is pushing you too far
MrAchievement
Stanley Bronstein
Attorney, CPA, Author, Blogger & Professional Motivational Speaker
May 2nd, 2008
Mags | Woo-Woo Wisdom
Excellent post - thank you, Albert.
I used to be a university lecturer and at the end of each semester, students would be required to fill in evaluation forms related to the content of the course and our lecturing abilities. During my 4 years in that job, I not only learned a great deal about public speaking, but I also learned how to discern between genuine constructive criticism (even when it was sometimes worded harshly!) and criticism that was more about the student than me. It is something that I value highly as it has come in extremely useful in dealing with criticism generally!
In your example about the rude woman with whom you worked, you mentioned that “that statement might not have been the best – but it was the best I could think of on the spot.” I think sometimes we worry about whether we have phrased something right, when actually what is most effective is speaking from the heart. I think in that moment you tapped into something very authentic in you and she would have responded to that. Thank you for sharing your stories - they are very helpful.
May 2nd, 2008
Tim Brownson
Hey Albert, thanks a lot for the link love. I know it was done in a manly way and gratefully received.
Another top notch article mate, could maybe have done with a better tittle though. Something along the lines of “The 7 Hidden Secrets to Uncovering Instant Success in 14 Days And Laughing At your Critics All The Way To Banking Lots Of Cash & Getting The Partner of Your Dreams” would have done it. I think it also suffered from not having more lists and the fact that to read it you’d need an attention span of more than a goldfish on weed.
Other than that, not too shabby, keep it up!
May 2nd, 2008
Tom Stine
Hi Albert, well done post. Okay, here is another option: complete and radical acceptance of the other person. Grant them, inwardly, the right to be a complete jerk and to be exactly as they are with no wish to change them. It can diffuse almost anything. And if it can’t, well, the finger is always a lousy option. Guaranteed to tick someone off royally.
May 2nd, 2008
Liara Covert
Tom offers a thought worth attention. When I find myself thinking someone is pushing my limits or crossing my boundaries, I ask myself what the Dalai Lama or a Zen master would do in my shoes. I conclude that love is always the answer. Whatever buttons another person seems to be pushing in me is an invitation to address underlying reasons for the changes and fluctuations within myself. I visualize more consistent thoughts and opt to work on myself and my treatment of others.
May 2nd, 2008
Albert
@ Stanley: That is great, I was just wondering the same thing - how do we handle people who really know how to manipulate you socially. Your experience has given me lots to think about. Thanks!
@ Mags: Thank you for that too. I’m finding the same thing - after a while you sort of “see through” the critic, and they don’t bother you as much anymore. I’m glad you’re here, as always.
@ Tim: Hey mate! Hahah! I know Link Love is not a very masculine term
I just like it for some reason. Hehe! Will incorporate your suggestions into my next post 
@ Tom: Good one! Sedona Method, anyone? Hehe!
@ Liara: I agree. I think it was Andrea Hess at Empowered Soul who said that difficult people were our best teachers - they merely reveal to us where we have been difficult ourselves, and your introspection is a good way to uncover that within.
May 2nd, 2008
Alex Kay
“We never see the world exactly as it is”
How can we be sure about that?
I mean, the world is exactly what we make it ourselves. And if no one has ever seen it the “way it really is”, because we all have different states all the time, how can we be sure?
Matrix, anyone?
Just a question that popped up into my head. I don’t know if it can be answered, but I would love to hear your opinion Albert.
Great post by the way, I really enjoy this Personal Boundaries series.
May 2nd, 2008
Albert
Hey Alex! You know, many people have asked the same question. I couldn’t reply, because the answer moved right into Zen - so I’ll let my friend Kenton answer it
A Total Lack of Perspective
May 2nd, 2008
Corinne Edwards
I really enjoyed this series also.
What I kept thinking reading this segment was a quote from a Course in Miracles.
“You are never upset for the reason you think.”
May 3rd, 2008
Albert
Thank you Corinne. That quote is one of the most mind-boggling I’ve ever come across. I took it at face value before - i.e. we are upset not because someone calls us a name, but because we already have insecurities inside us. But what if there is more, what if that is also something that is unreal? My brain short-circuited when I tried to ponder that. Any ideas, anyone?
May 3rd, 2008
Alex Kay
Thanks for the link Albert - interesting article and blog!
May 3rd, 2008
Maria of Stockton Real Estate
I am really enjoying your series on personal boundaries.. you are doing Great:)
May 4th, 2008
Albert
No problem Alex, and thank you Maria
May 4th, 2008
Cyrano
Great article. At the end of the day, it goes back to self love… a person with high self esteem would deal with the situation appropriately
May 5th, 2008
suicidalsam
This article sux. just kidding. You have a very good insight. keep them LONG HUGE articles coming.
Have you given any thoughts on Podcasting?
May 5th, 2008
Albert
Haha, thank you Cyrano and Sam! Totally agreed, once you can be compassionate to yourself, a healthy response is automatic. Podcasting - nah, I don’t speak very well!
May 5th, 2008
Den
Excellent article!
Earlier, I didn’t know how to react right to aggression. My parents taught me to answer the same way I was addressed.
Later, after I’ve studied God teachings, I understood what was my mistake and what is the true and healthy way out in such situations
It can also be explained mathematically:
-1 -1 = -2
-1 +1 = 0
+1 +1 = +2
May 6th, 2008
Albert
Hey Den, that math perspective is awesome, for some reason I found it really funny and yet a brilliant way of demonstrating. Thanks for stopping by!
May 6th, 2008
Liara Covert
Albert, I sense each person who enters our lives is another teacher. The lessons we choose to learn influence how long “difficult” people remain a focus in our lives. We remain connected to people by conscious and unconscious choice for whatever we need to learn about ourselves.
May 7th, 2008
Matthew | www.loving-awareness.org
Now I’ve dealt with a lot of boundary issues over my life. Certainly abuse issues are based in this fundamental issue. It really comes down to who you are. When boundary crossing occurs, there’s a confusion: is my body truly mine? Do I trust my thoughts? Am I ever really safe?
In my meditation and spiritual practices, I’ve found that everything boils down to the connection to your Self, your innermost core. When this is strong, then others actions simply cannot disconnect you. You may respond, but things don’t bother you in the same way.
Ultimately, we’re all so interconnected that true boundaries don’t exist. But certainly there’s some ways of interacting which are not very respectful or caring. There’s the crux. And it is not loving to anyone to allow others to treat you this way.
So I would say that the way out of boundary issues is not to focus on the attacks, but on building up that connection to Self. It’s the old adage: Know Thyself. Be yourself. Let that build a foundation so strong that your balance will be just as strong. It’s a lifelong journey, but true freedom is always about finding joy no matter what anyone else does.
Loving Awareness: A Journey to Wholeness
May 7th, 2008
Albert
@ Liara: Totally agreed - learning to accept even the most difficult people and seeing what lessons they carry, although it might sound strange, is definitely one of the best and most invigorating things we can do for ourselves.
@ Matthew: Great stuff man. That is a fantastic perspective, and I also agree that building a strong foundation is the true way to dealing with all such attacks. I’ve found that healthy, mature responses to verbal attacks come naturally (without having to read articles like this one) once you’ve built up your strength.
May 8th, 2008
CK Reyes
Albert,
One way to discern where we are is this:
If we are affected by someones criticism, then we know that there is something for us to look at… That there is some shadow for us to look at… because ultimately all criticism is about the person giving it–so why be affected? How we are affected by it determines to what extent it may be true. On the other hand if we are informed by it, then it doesn’t affect us and we don’t need to waste our energy on someone else’s projection of us. I have found that boundaries are about us and not the other person. When our boundaries are crossed, again it’s an opportunity to learn something about ourselves, instead of making it about the other person.
ck
May 8th, 2008
Albert
Heya CK! Completely agreed - everything does indeed come back to us and how much love we have about ourselves. Thanks for the comment.
May 8th, 2008
psych
The problem with the critique could be that our inner criticism gets along with what we hear from the outside. This way the reaction could be to both the external and internal dialog at the same time. So it gets interesting.
May 10th, 2008
Jaxson
Wow, that was great now I need to go read the other 2 parts. Thanks
May 10th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Psych and Jaxson!
May 11th, 2008
Rasterbator
Very nicely compiled post…
i now need to read the previous 2 parts
May 27th, 2008
Albert
Thank you mate!
May 27th, 2008
Mr.Fit
Although this is third part, this the best part. If we follow the tips discussed here, it is damn sure that I know how to react right to aggression.
Jun 1st, 2008
Albert
Thanks Mr. Fit
Jun 1st, 2008
bloger
great post, thanx
Jun 20th, 2008
Aldohas
always positive
I agree with the calculation 1 + 1 = 2
nice article
Jun 24th, 2008
Wenbin
Great article. I agree with many of the points made here. The human physic is indeed a fragile one…
Jul 8th, 2008
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