42 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. jdw242b

    surely in the 13 years that Akemi has been here she’s realized that due to the inadequate listening ability of most people that it could be said that it wasn’t her accent that got her coke instead of coffee. I’m US born and sometimes I get the wrong thing because judy teenager behind the counter is thinking about what party to go to this weekend, yet I pay for her mistake and laziness.

    I’d say that communication exercises should be taught in the public schools so that we as a nation, regardless of our original homeland, can all communicate more effectively.

  2. This is some of the best advice a person could give. Our society is totally enthralled with removing personal uniqueness, both physically and mentally. Many people are ashamed to be unique or weird. I think weirdness is greatness.

    Thanks for the wonderful article. I’ll surely be back again.

  3. Thanks for the great post. We all need to embrace our unique traits. As I get older (and hopefully wiser) I find that society norms mean less and less to me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wear my underwear on the outside. I just embrace my unique skills and perspective. I ask why often. I behave in accordance to my belief system.

  4. Great article, Akemi! I love the idea that we ourselves choose whether our uniqueness is an asset - or a limitation. Some people will think your accent makes you more sophisticated or more worldly. Others may think that, because you have an accent, you don’t understand them as well. But in the end, the only thing that matters is our self-perception, right?

    By the way, I relate to your story - I came here from Germany at the age of eighteen. I learned English when I was only eight, so I did not have an accent. In many ways, it made things harder on me - people expected me to understand them and fit in perfectly. But so many pop-culture references meant nothing to me, and often I would be completely left out of conversation. Yet no-one cut me any slack! I watched a lot of TV those first few years, trying to assimilate into a new culture! At the same time, I think these experiences created a very different level of consciousness for me and have served me well.

    In the end, only our own perception shapes our experiences. It’s wonderful that we get to decide how we want to view ourselves in the world!

    Blessings,
    Andrea

  5. B Smith,

    It’s a challenge to grow wiser at the pace we grow older, isn’t it. It doesn’t happen haphazardly — we need to consciously grow. I’m glad to hear that you have the courage to live according to your beliefs.

    JDW,

    HaHa. . . Communication is a tough subject to teach because it is not just about how we speak and listen. I took communication courses at Ohio Dominican University as part of my language education major, and learned that it boils down to cross-cultural understanding. By cross-culture, I don’t mean just internationals or ethnic groups. Gender and age groups form their own unique cultures. So are religious affiliations, education levels, incomes, sexual orientation. . . ultimately, each person has his or her unique culture.

    I think one of the best things public schools can do is to teach some foreign languages. I don’t care if it’s Japanese or Chinese or Hindu. And it doesn’t matter if the students master the language or not. The point is that they learn, through experience, there are different perspectives, different way of seeing and thinking things. Learning a language of completely different origin can bring that kind of understanding.

    Thank you all for checking out my article, and thanks again to the great host, Albert.

  6. Andrea,

    Exactly. Some people hear my accent and learn about my background, and they are impressed that I came from another country all on my own and made my way in this country. These are usually people who work hard themselves, and they see strength in me. On the other side of the spectrum, there are people who rejects me for the slightest accent. Often, they have strong accent themselves (I’ve seen many in the South - my accent is more Midwestern), and they live in their small world. These are their choices. My choice is how I see myself.

    I didn’t think about the kind of challenges you had. . . You being a white woman (no visual clue to your background) and with no accent, people will surely assume you are born American. I understand how this made you feel isolated. . . well, if you wish, you could be a bit assertive of your legacy, I guess.

    Marc,

    Thank you. Mass media makes the world monotonous place — same kind of pretty faces, same kind of opinion. . . As a coach, I am always amazed how so many people hide their best qualities, thinking they are quirks. Part of my job is encouraging them to take another look and find ways to utilize their uniqueness. I’m glad you are aware of this social pressure.

  7. Akemi, what a wonderful article! Thank you for reminding us that uniqueness is an asset. Finding satisfaction in life and work isn’t about standardization–it’s about bringing out what is best and unique in ourselves and developing it to its full capacity.

  8. As an African American my difference is readily apparent to strangers before I say a word. My ethnicity alone has caused me to experience ridicule and rejection similar to what you experienced because of your English. I even hesitated to put my photo on my websites at first for fear I’d be judged and discriminated against before visitors even learned about my business.

    In many of the activities I choose, the plays I attend and groups I join, I’m often the only Black, especially because I live in a majority white county. Talk about being different!

    But I, too, have learned to accept and love my uniqueness.

  9. Kirsten,

    Exactly. I believe we are unique for a reason. Let’s have the courage to live fully with it.

    Flora,

    I didn’t quite realize Blacks still suffer from the sense of isolation. . . Are you sure people are not admiring your beautiful dark skin?

    In terms of physical appearance, I have little issue with my yellow golden skin. (I even joke about men with “yellow fever”) The only time I get a bit turned off is when someone assume I’m a foreign-born just by my appearance — there are plenty of Americans with Asian ancestry, and how do they know I’m not one of them? Well, I’m not — I’m an immigrant — but please make sure rather than just assuming. . .

  10. Akemi,

    That really was a beautiful article.

    Really great story, which both explains your point and why listening to you can bear fruit. You know what you are talking about.

    I love the mindset of seeing “limitations” as possibilities.

    Thanks for the sunday inspiration :)
    Alex

  11. Akemi,

    OMG, I think many people believe this, even some young Blacks.

    Some may well be admiring my beautiful black skin, my beauty and my talents. But the pain of discrimination runs deep in the veins of Blacks, as does the racism that allowed the undeserving to enjoy a false superiority by openly oppressing us for so long.

    The systematic and deep discrimination Blacks suffered for over 300 years in America moved from being overt and supported by legislation to being subtle and more insidious.

    Many Blacks avoid confronting discrimination by living and socializing only among their own people. I have been fortunate to have never been the victim of overt racial discrimination, but people make a whole flock of assumptions about me before they get to know me, just as they do with you.

    As a matter of fact, when I meet new folks of other races they often throw a barrage of questions at me trying to figure out how to make me fit into a box that’s comfortable for them. They can easily see that I’m Black, but they can’t figure out why I like opera, how I got a Ph.D., why I signed up for an High Tea event, etc. While their questions could be innocent, it doesn’t feel that way to me when they ask things like:

    –Where did you ever get the idea to go for a Ph.D.?
    –You’ve heard of Handel’s Messiah?
    –You have 4 children–are you a single mom? (I’m a widow)

    A carpenter was recently putting in new doors and molding during our recent home remodeling. When he saw the dream pages we made with pictures from decorating and home magazines of all the features we liked for kitchens, patios and living rooms he asked, “Where did you learn to do that?”

    Some will think I’m too sensitive, but I’m a pretty good communicator and reader of character. Some comments are innocent without any racist underpinning; others are not. I can tell the difference.

    One sad example of how deep an imprint discrimination has made on Blacks is the fact that when my father was a resident in a nursing home he didn’t think we could go sit on the patio during our visit. When I asked him why, he said “That section is for white people only.” He was not suffering from Alzheimer’s, just a life time of hurt in his youth in the South, his service in the Army and his adult life.

    I love my uniqueness, my ancestry, my people. It’s wonderful how easily Blacks can commune with Nature, music, and other accepting people.

    I love the stories of slaveowners allowing their Black slaves to sing and worship because they thought it was harmless when in fact, they were plotting escape. How ingenious we are!

    I also love our creativity, our determination and strength to overcome odds.

    I have no issue with my black skin. But some others (not all) sure do.

  12. Well that’s different.

    I never thought of it like that ; That people say that to imply they dislike something. Wow. You’re right. [I discovered the truth of this by thinking over the times I heard people say, “That’s different!”]

    Albert’s article states we have our own internal ideas of what we consider ourselves to be and that standard we align ourselves to. [Our integrity.]

    I just wrote an article discussing the same idea; That some people seem to want conformity to *their* idea of *normalcy* and anything else is unacceptable.

    Sensitivity in an Insensitive World discusses Highly Sensitive People [or mulsitsensories] and the struggle [I personally warred with] faced to try to be everyone’s perception of normal.

    I believe wholeheartedly the solution lies within self-acceptance.

    I am, however, grateful to my unique traits. I believe that had I not had them, my tolerance and acceptance for people different than me would be a shallow one-dimension view of a world of *shoulds.*

    And along the same vein, people who do not readily accept the differences in other people, also have a hard time living up to their own barometer of self-acceptance. I have never met a perfectionist, for example, who ultimately did not accept herself.

    Whenever I hear someone say, “I am such a perfectionist” - and they seem to say it with such false humility as if that is their worst defect - what I am really hearing is “I hate myself and the world around me so much that I need to get things ‘perfect’ in order to be okay with me.”

    Self-acceptance = Accepting your mistakes, uniqueness, foibles, blemishes, past errors in judgement, ‘abnormalcy’ and shortcomings = A happy person

  13. Can I just say that I’m really enjoying the wisdom being shared right here in the comments!

  14. Alex,

    Thank you for your kind words. Please check my blog, Yes to Me, to read more of my articles. I have a lot more to say how we can live better.

    Flora,

    Well, I never experienced what you and other Black Americans went through, and I accept I don’t know everything.

    I do know that we, each one of us, “create” our reality based on our own beliefs. For example, when someone does mean thing to me, I can spend all day thinking how wrong he is, and I can also make a blanket judgment to the group he may belong to, what his group may be thinking of my group, etc. or I can just say, probably to myself, “That wasn’t nice he did that.” and move on. I choose how I think and live, not they choose it for me.

    How you got your Ph.D? By taking college courses, right? If a person doesn’t even know this, I’d rather just laugh off the whole thing, but of course, you decide how you want to handle the situation.

    And if black Ph.D is so unique (now I don’t really think so, but let’s just assume so for the sake of discussion), I’d use that uniqueness to my advantage. So with the opera, etc. That’s the whole point of this article. I know, from experience, that shifting the perspective is challenging. So good luck.

    Samsara,

    Exactly. Also I appreciate you mentioned the issue of should’s. I wrote a post about it myself a few weeks ago.

    Cute blog you have!

    Albert,

    You can say more than that ^_^
    I love it when the comment section turns to a good discussion place! You have really good readers who love to share. I’m working on my blog to become such a good one, too, by writing quality posts and treating my visitors well . . . This has been a great learning experience for me.

    Let’s do another JV soon!

  15. Akemi, definitely, let me know any time you have a spare moment, you’re always welcome here!

  16. Akemi,

    You’re right that you haven’t experienced my culture. That’s why I wanted to share the impact that past hurts have had on the present.

    Like you, many believe that Blacks have so well assimilated into our culture that the promises of the Constitution have been fulfilled and that America is one big happy family. It’s certainly what we’re all striving for and though we have made tremendous progress, there are many areas that need our positive attention.

    You’re also right that shifting my perspective is essential. I do laugh at the insecure and ignorant, and they come in all income and educational levels. They react the way they do not because they don’t know what is required to get a Ph.D., for example. Many are highly educated themselves. Their reaction is clearly a surprise that I have one.

    The point of my comment was not to vent anger. I hope it didn’t come off that way. Because of common misconceptions, I needed to express what many Blacks feel and experience daily.

    I’m thrilled with the way I’ve overcome challenges and crafted my life. I love America in spite of its flaws for the freedom and refuge it has provided for so many people.

    I love the Internet for the opportunity to express our varying views and experiences in an accepting environment.

    Fortunately I made some good choices and enjoy a happy life. Like you, I enjoy being unique. Thank you for emphasizing the importance of accepting and loving our own uniqueness.

    Congratulations to you in shifting your perspective too. Continued blessings to you.

  17. Hello Akemi, Flora and Albert,
    This is an interesting conversation.
    I have two trains of thought on it. First, from my own experience I think how we see ourselves has a huge impact on how we are received by others - I grew up on a Scottish island where English was the official language, but we spoke in dialect with a strong accent. As a student I moved to the Scottish mainland and felt humiliated when people didn’t understand my accent. I gradually lost much of my original accent and used the dialect of my birth less and less. Yet not all islanders did this - one friend lived in Russia and still maintained his accent. Needless to say he didn’t feel the same sense of not being good enough that I did. After college I lived in London for a while, where my new Scottish accent sometimes met with incomprehension. I believed then that if people couldn’t understand me they would think I was stupid. Once I worked with two women who seemed “posh” to me, and so I believed they would look down on me, and when I spoke to them I reverted right back to my original voice, speaking in dialect, feeling totally stupid and embarrassed! I have no idea how these women really judged me, as I was so busy judging myself I never took the time to find out!

    The other thing that might be of interest is an article I recently read in the Guardian newspaper. (link here: http://lifeandhealth.guardian......e_continue)
    This article, among other things, describes research that found that women reminded before a maths test that men generally do better at maths than women performed worse in the test than women not told this, and that if black black school pupils are asked to fill out a form to indicate ethnicity they will score lower than if no form is required. Even if we don’t consciously believe that our race or gender affects our intelligence, something as simple as ticking a box can mean people respond to cultural stereotypes.

    So on the one hand how we see ourselves affects how others see us, yet how others see us also affects how we see ourselves. I guess we’re all individuals and yet all linked together!

    Flora, what you say about the internet being a way to express views and share experiences is so true, and I love that Albert and Akemi have provided the opportunity to have this conversation.

  18. Hi Yvonne, hi all,

    “how we see ourselves has a huge impact on how we are received by others” Yes! And the good news is that how we see ourselves is something we ourselves have a control of.

    The test result you indicated is very interesting, but remember — they are talking about stats. A lot of women who are sold the “women are no good with math” idea may perform poorly because of the conditioning, but is that the case with all women? We don’t have to buy into that conditioning, do we?

    Hmm . . . the issue is getting psychological — we may want to ask the great monk’s opinion. . . (Not that I’d buy even his opinion but because I’m curious what he has to say and I respect his opinion. . . Respecting someone’s idea is a completely different approach from blindly buying into an idea. . .)

  19. i think the world would be a very boring place without uniqueness in personalities. i am very glad there is only one like me!

  20. Uniqueness is great for everyone if he or she accept his or her own and put that in great use. When you look at great teams in sports, science, design, or companies, no 2 members are the same. Every member has his/her own uniqueness and it is being used at the right time and right place. More importantly, each member understand his/her role and is willing to step up when needed.

  21. Trip the Lady,

    Exactly! Embrace your uniqueness.

    My Home Tomorrow,

    You make a great point about uniqueness in team work. Thank you.

  22. everysingle person is unique. is a great point. comparing among others bring no good. bring out ourselve true virtue is the way to attracts others.

  23. No such thing as a liability unless you fall into the trap set by ego that wants you to believe you lack. Uniqueness is widespread and interconnectedness is universal. Everyone doesn’t get that yet, but will…

  24. Hardy,
    Thank you for your comment.

    Llara,
    Thank you.

    It is one thing to appreciate uniqueness in an abstract generalized manner, and quite another to do so in a specific case. My best wishes to you all.

  25. Thanks for this inspiring article

    - alex

  26. Thank you for the article indeed! :)

    I find that when I give to others (that which I wish to receive) than I have given it to myself as well. For example: say I wish for myself to be comfortable around people. In order for me to feel comfortable, I focus my attention on everyone in my perceivable reality and make sure they are comfortable. Doing so releases the focus off self and because everyone feels comfortable around me (because I focus on them feeling comfortable) then I naturally feel comfortable.

    You can naturally give yourself anything, once you give it to others. :)

    The way I make people feel comfortable is by putting myself in their shoes and treating them the way I would like to be treated. Of course this will not always work but 9 times of 10 it will let you know the people you desire to be around. :)

    Thank you once again.

  27. Akemi,

    Thank you for your powerful article, expressed from the heart and beautifully written. I always felt different growing up. Somewhere along the way the concept of “different” that separated me from others changed to the concept of “uniqueness” that seemed to be more unifying.

    I think that some very simple phrases have embodied the magnificence of uniqueness, like “I am me.” Or the name of your own blog, “Yes to me.” Or quite simple, the power of … “I am.”

    Blessings,
    Jeanie

  28. For sure i like the uniqueness and love to be unique. More over our atmosphere imbibes everything of us including our personality but if we can make a difference then it is a big thing for me.

  29. As you told uniqueness is an important factor for a successful person.I do want to become a successful Guy that’s why I prefer uniqueness.

  30. Wow, even more comments! Albert really has wide readership, I guess.

    Alex,
    You are so welcome!

    Nicholas,
    Great point. I am in service business and when I focus on serving my clients, things flow so easily.

    Jeanie,
    Your comment is like the best compliment for my blog, Yes to Me. That is exactly what I meant in naming it — accepting and loving who I am. And I find that the way I say “Yes to me” is to let others say “Yes to me.”

    Qaswer,
    Absolutely. Good for you.

    Natural Healer,
    Good luck to you!

    Thank you so much for everyone!

  31. That’s an intriguing article. When I was younger I thought there was something wrong with me because I felt like I was unique…or at that time I felt it was “different”. Over time I began to embrace who I was and now I wouldn’t change it for the world! The ironic thing is now, I’m pretty picky with who I become friends with because I get so annoyed by people who are really different from me in certain ways. Strange how things turn out. Great article!

  32. Thanks CFI, I’m sure Akemi will be glad to hear your compliment :D

  33. CFI and Albert,

    Yes, thank you. I used to feel that way, too, and I’m glad you have embraced your uniqueness.

  34. Great advice to embrace our uniqueness. So many people struggle with feeling they just don’t “fit in” and aren’t “normal”. Normal is completely in the eye of the beholder. The greatest achievers in the world did great things not being normal, by doing things their way, even when told they are crazy. People who are normal end up not being unexceptional. That is, if you even believe there’s such a thing as “normal”.

  35. Thanks Everything Attitude :D Definitely, what is “normal”? If you think about it, even people who are “normal” are different… heh!

  36. Good parents and teachers will usually raise children up to accept & love their uniqueness. However this is often easier said than done. Especially when society disapproves these differences, it is hard to see the benefits of your uniqueness.

    A different perception is required for us to see the beauty of our uniqueness. Akemi’s suggestions are wonderful methods to do just that. Excellent and inspiring article. Thank you.

  37. Hey Ethan. Thanks for the compliments, I’m really proud to have Akemi’s article here, it is really well received.

  38. Nice article about yourself. Your english not so bad for a Japanese. I’m learning Japanese now. I had a Japanese girlfriend, that why i’m learning but we communicate in Mandarin. I been to Japan once and i like the culture there.

  39. Everything Attitude,
    That is a very encouraging comment. Thank you.

    Ethan,
    Exactly. I’m glad I made the point.

    Jimy,
    Japanese girlfriend? Oh watch out. . . ^_^
    We are tougher than we look.

    Thank you everyone, and sorry to take time to respond back. I am just so impressed with all the great comments here. Albert really has wonderful readers. I hope some of you are checking my blog!

  40. yap, with our unique style, the positive one of course..we can bless this world. Believe me we are deserved to love no matter what

    Please accept this truth

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