Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post was written by Alexander De Foe. Thanks Alex!
Each individual brings a unique light into the world, however, often that light remains buried below the surface of the person others see in us. Discovering that light and letting it shine is one of the fundamental steps each individual must take to become a more whole person.
Human beings often give up the power of being true to themselves, hiding amongst the shadows of social roles and familiar comforts instead. There are a number of reasons we pretend to be something we are not. It’s easier – sure, it makes us less responsible – right, it allows others the comfort of knowing we are no better than them – nothing special to see here – just an ordinary guy or girl. But let me tell you my side of the story so that you can decide for yourself whether it is really worthwhile to step up, be a unique individual, and to fight for what makes you who you are.
Being yourself means being able to be a free individual. There is something within us that stops that from happening, The Critic. There are a number of accusations that come from The Critic that are just waiting to trigger you into action. The moment someone questions your religion, The Critic wakes up. The moment there is someone at a party that starts hitting on your significant other, The Critic jumps into action. The moment that a person mocks you, laughs at you, or insults your pride, The Critic is there.
Hang on, who is The Critic, you might be asking. The Critic is the part of yourself that you have unconsciously hired as a guard to build a fortress around your personality. However the cost of deconstructing that fort is expensive, so it remains, guarding you with the old values, beliefs, and expectations that you assigned to The Critic a long time ago. Each time someone questions your individual self, The Critic is there to let that person know that you are not afraid of defending yourself.
Each one of us holds onto a particular set of standards that makes up the person we know to be “me”. The moment something causes us take a footstep outside of those standards, The Critic jumps in. Suddenly, we have to defend ourselves and save ourselves from losing our identity – the sense of being “me” that must be defended at all costs. So much trouble to defend something that does not even need defending – isn’t it?
Does the sense of “I” need to be defended? Let me share what I think. The true self within us does not need to be defended. It just needs to be expressed. However when we fail to express our true self, whether we feel threatened or rejected by others, we build a false self –a Critic – that sits in the back of our mind whispering “Stop! Do not be yourself, remember what happened last time. Instead be like they expect you to be”.
Our world so often places over us a blanket of overcast skies filled with the chronic expectations that all the people in our lives hold over us. So often we compromise our true self to take on one role or another, forever shape-shifting in an endless disguise that fools all but ourselves.
The cost of being free is hefty. It requires you to respond to The Critic and to take off the disguise. In the face of adversity it requires you to be your true self no matter what others have to say about it. Once you stop shaping yourself to meet the needs of others, once you stop projecting a certain role that supposedly looks good to others, and once you stop being someone else, you will find an unusual gift waiting for you.
Happiness. It took me a long time to find out the real essence behind happiness and freedom – for so long these were just concepts in my mind, concepts that I thought could be actualized with 6-figure salaries, the end of world poverty, and the cessation of global aggression, discontentment, and fear. Finally I came to realize that happiness is a gift that is waiting for us as soon as we embrace our true self. It is up to us to stop pushing our true self under, to stop criticizing and undervaluing it.
There are two types of human beings in the world – people, and individuals. Once you are able to be an individual and not just an ordinary person, you will find your inner intuitive powers begin to grow as you discover happiness, freedom, and self-actualization shining brighter within yourself. It takes courage to take off the disguise protecting you and to let your true colours shine, but this is one of the most honourable and rewarding actions a person can decide to take in life.
The individual that shines through when we let go of the defended self has to be watered like a seed is watered before it sprouts. If instead we try to build a false persona – then how can we ever hope to bring happiness and freedom into our lives? Suppressing your true self inevitably leads to a downward spiral of self destruction. Your true self has always been waiting to come out – and therein is the source of individual power.
I am not talking about the type of power that one has to defeat a country by military strength, nor the power that a person has to manipulate others into benefiting for themselves, and not even the power of being the leader in a company, a relationship, or a sports contest. I am talking about the power of being yourself.
The power to be yourself is not measured by how well you can defend your-self, but instead by how well you can express your-self through the limitless creative channels the universe provides. The more you are able to get to know your true self the better you are able to heal the blockages cutting off your creative energy.
Many people know their false self a lot better than their true self. This accommodates them the power to be good at something career-wise, to be better than others at writing, or to be able to attract socially popular partners. I am just using these as examples, of course. The point I am making is that when we get in tune with our true self the immense power, happiness, and freedom that is born allows us to express and share ourselves with others. This sharing opposes the type of reality where life is a competition – instead it allows us to make a unique and divine contribution of “I” to the rest of the world and to collaborate in tandem with the universe.
From the author:
I would like to thank Albert for allowing me the opportunity to share this post with you. Further readings entitled Meditate to Discover Your True Self and Ego and Illusion at SpiritualBlog.com explore topics central to this post.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, I hope you enjoyed it, and you are more than welcome to take a look at my blog through the links above.
From the Editor:
Thank you for that post Alex. I’m truly lucky to have so many great writers offer their insights during my little break from blogging. Exams are nearly over, so I promise that in a week I’ll have something of my own up. Thank you for your patience, everyone!
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Hi Alex, Albert … the phrase “the power to be yourself is not measured by how well you can defend your-self, but instead by how well you can express your-self” really hit me. I live in Singapore, and in Asia self-expression can be a challenge at times. Society-acceptance is a big thing here versus self-acceptance — but who’s to stop me except myself, right? What a wonderful article … thanks for sharing!
A beautiful post! And so true! I am a professional life coach and I have the honor of “seeing” my clients in ways that they don’t even see themselves, as they hide behind their self-imposed limiting beliefs and disguises. We can certainly “get through” life without being our true selves or working toward self-actualization, but how much more thrilling, engaging, and fulfilling life can be when we are deeply connected to our true essence. People who are willing to take what feels like a risk and actually see themselves, do reap the rewards of personal freedom and fulfillment.Which actually carries the bigger risk - to hide or to be true to yourself?
Although it’s been dormant the last couple of months (I’ll be putting it back into action soon), I have a site called Invisible Lives that i, in part, my own story of living and overcoming what I call invisibility (i.e., not allowing yourself or others to see your true self). I also offer ideas, methods, and resources for overcoming invisibility. Please check it out: http://www.invisiblelives.com.
But how to go about releasing the critic from your service?
I think the process is bidirectional.
On one hand you reach deeper to discover who you really are and what you really want. This gives you your foundation. On the other side you reach towards the surface and strip away fear after fear.
If you don’t work in both directions you won’t be able to express your individuality.
Just wondering, then how about self control? I believe it’s something important that we need to exercise as well.
Thanks for the time on answering.
Regards,
Robert
Nice post, I agree with what you said. Not being comfortable with yourself comes from many different areas of you life. The top 2 I would contribute this problem to is the subconcsious mind and the lack of a spiritual life.
I think part of each person’s attempt to be themselves is to decide whether you think your true self is a collection of experiences and thoughts that continually grows and expands each day, or whether it’s the center of a large block of stone that needs to be chipped away to discover the true essence. Essentially, do you create yourself or discover yourself?
I think both approaches are valid, but the one you believe will color your views on how exactly you go about “being yourself” and dealing with The Critic.
Alex, Albert, Congratulations for an amazing post!
This is inspiring and confirms what most of us feel sometimes, that there is more to us, lying dormant and unused while we’re trying to box ourselves into eeeveryone’s expectations.
It is much easier to just be yourself than try to please everyone , in every context.
Once again, thank you for this inspiring post.
My only question is what is this self that we are being? What is this self that has some sort of power when you are being it?
Thank you for your comments everyone! Great stuff as usual - I always say that the value of the blog comes also from the comments section and you’ve shown it again
I know Alex will be here soon, but I’d like to add my two cents to one or two in particular, hope that will be OK with you guys
Jarrod: “But how to go about releasing the critic from your service?” Great question - the critic is often addressed in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and I personally prefer emotional meditation for silencing it.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/277/k.....l-therapy/
http://www.urbanmonk.net/85/th.....at-simple/
Sara’s comment is very interesting too - this is where conventional self-help wisdom meets some of the older (non-dual) traditions, which Tom is also curious about. Would love to hear what Alex thinks!
Once again, thank you for all the kind words, everybody.
Superb article!! Thanks!!
Wonderful article! I often feel that my whole life revolves around a quest for utter authenticity. It’s funny how being ourselves seems so daunting - until we do it, and then we wonder how we could have ever lived any other way.
Blessings,
Andrea
Thanks for all the positive feedback. It’s really good to know that you enjoyed reading this article.
Hi Irene,
There is so much fear in the world, I think we as individuals must take the first step, so many people know how to hide themselves under false personas, but few ever truly let their true self shine.
Hi Paul,
Thanks. This is exactly my main point in the article - people tend to assume the risk is smaller by avoiding this process of self-discovery - and this is just not true at all. The risk of hiding is much greater.
Hi Robert,
Self-control is a tricky concept, it is important to discern the difference between self-restriction and self-will, the latter being the goal of individuation IMO.
Hi Sara,
In my experience, creation and discovery are one and the same, but I see where you are coming from too.
Hi Tom,
I was wondering, how important do you feel it is to define yourself as a particular type of person? Does who I am have to be defined, or is it just “is”?
Thanks again for all your positive comments, they really do inspire me to continue writing about these subjects. In regards to “how” to actually release The Critic, Albert provided some great links above, and the two links I provided at the bottom of the article also discuss this.
Best wishes,
Alex
Hello,
I believe that you are right. You are pointing the good direction. But I don’t know how to go there ?
What would be the first steps to do when you’re feeling that you are not realy “yourself” and you want to change that.
Thank you and congratulation for your good job.
I enjoyed the bottom line message: don t defend, create and contribute.
Hey Baba
It’s certainly not a quick process. For me it has been about removing the blocks put up to feed the false self. You will find most of my YouTube videos are about this very process (in one form or another).
You can view them at: http://youtube.com/user/alexd181
The following ones address this topic the most IMO:
1. Emotions vs. Feelings
2. Ego and Illusion (I also added a link for this one at the bottom of the post)
3. Understanding Meditation
I do not know many people who feel totally themselves and can honestly state that they are an individual acting not because of the expectations of others but because of their own will - but I do think this is a goal worth having, and we can all come a lot closer to actualizing it as soon as we acknowledge our desire to be free.
Best wishes,
Alex
Alex and Albert, reading this article this week was a further affirmation of the information that my guides gave me earlier in the week when I was told to “Quit playing small and insignificant. It isn’t you.” Because your article was part of my process this week, I linked back to it in the article that I have coming out tomorrow on my blog.
Thank you for the article and for the thoughtful responses. I used to be a fan of self interpretation and uniqueness, but right now, when I am in a very difficult situation and in bad company, I rather feel that I am more safe if I am hiding myself and my real thoughts.
You’re good, Albert, I admit that.
But so is this guy.
This post just hit home with me on so many levels. Gratitude is all I can give. Thanks, thanks a lot guys!
This blog continues to inspire me, and I must admit that you pick some highly capable guest writers. This was a treat.
Alex
Hey Patricia, Public, and Alex, thanks so much for those compliments
It really is very heartwarming, and very appreciated.
I enjoyed this article. One thing I would add is that, when I start feeling like I need to defend my ego from an attack by someone, one question I ask myself is “who is this ‘I’ that needs defending?” When I ask myself this question, my mind draws a blank, and the sense of emptiness I experience brings me back to peace. This practice reminds me, on a visceral level, that in my essence I am — as Nisargadatta Maharaj put it — nothing perceivable or conceivable. I’m not a fragile bundle of memories, habits, or relationships that needs defending.
To realize each human being is the source of his or her own light is a true revelation. This leads to greater love, understanding and self-acceptance.
Thanks Patricia and Alex, really glad you enjoyed reading.
Chris,
This is pretty much what my experience has been like. I guess a lot of people feel let down when you do not live up to being who they expect you to, because we are conditioned to feed on that energy, the energy of societal roles rather than the individual. It is truly liberating when we stop robbing ourselves of our individuality with these superficial role-based interactions.
How well do we really know each other? Arguments (even wars) are waged against an “idea” of who someone is - not their true self beneath the well-defended role that tries to convince the person that there is nothing beyond that.
I agree with Andrea Hess. We are afraid that being authentic will isolate us from others. I’ve come to understand that this fear is simply a reflection of the isolation we experience within ourselves and from the core of what we are which we have internally segregated into good/bad and me/not me. We project this internal non-acceptance out onto others…but the fear is really just a mirror of what we are already experiencing within.
Once we begin to be authentic, and see how that brings us closer to ourselves…we also understand that our inner fusion allows us a connectedness with others that was previously out of reach. It’s this inner congruence and unity that gives us the confidence just to be…this to me is what authenticity is when translated in the realm of experience.
It is a kind of living that brings a curious acceptance to every part of ourselves that we can experience.
Letting your true self shine should be the goal of all spiritual practice. Your individual spirit is the one thing that makes you truly unique in the universe.
You shouldn’t be aiming for some other persons idea of perfection, you should be learning to see the perfection in your imperfection.
RebelZen,
“you should be learning to see the perfection in your imperfection”
I really like this. What we bring to the world and others is something really unique and life-changing, but when we get restricted into becoming something we are not our true self gets hidden away and never gets a chance to fully actualize.
Alex
I sense a lot of buddhist philosophy in this, although I still have a lot of problems freeing myself… maybe that is why so many of us are cocooners and we sit around playing on the internet instead of truly being free?
george
http://upfrontmatching.com
You write I should be my true self. What is my true self? And at what situations am I not my true self?
I feel I’m always my true self (and everyone else, too). However Your true self might not behave in the way most useful to You all the time.
This article begs the question — how do you know which your true self is and which is your false self? To find out it takes a lot of self-examination and reflection — and thinking through situations, figuring out why you reacted the way you did, doing countermeasures to make sure that you don’t repeat the same mistakes. To know thyself is to live.
Wow!
My youngest daughter is an early teen. I know that is a really hard time as they try to be themselves yet, fit in. I have saved the link here so, she can maybe get a little reassurance of being an individual from some one other than mom.
Thank you!
Thanks for your comments everyone
the ‘don’t defend, create and contribute’ message is what i liked the most!
Most people (even I myself) think being a second point view personality means playing safe in the social life; they tend to be afraid of discriminations, insults and mockery as a result we limit our self to the feeling of doing things we want to do but rather, we always enveloped ourselves, the feeling of doing these/those things for what we are obligated to do so and nothing else.
I’m not mentioning disregarding the responsibility of being an actor on this so called life theater, but we take it so much, in such, every act that we have played tends to be tiring only, and the filling of self-fulfillment is null, boring and worthless. Remember too much is bad.
Earlier said, too much is bad; one must take into account also, knowing tolerance and respect. As an actor on this stage, so called life, we must act our lines with all our feelings, but not too exaggerated or the theatrical show will end up to a mess.
Being the first point of view persona means being what you really are but there are corresponding responsibilities with it. Being happy to be you must not mean the destruction of others or you being afflicted by vices. But rather to be what you are, exploring and expressing all the good things in yourself and living it in this dynamic world.
:p
:p
Thanks for that Badong
To find our true self is not an easy task, and yet it is the most natural experience one can have of all the possible experiences. To achieve that we have to engage ourself into a long lasting struggle with our ego, or the Critic as you put it so vividly. Very nice article indeed.
I liked this post so much. Its true that in an effort to please others we many times compromise on our true self and that true self is never visible. The post is a true eye-opener
I’ve always been wrapped up in trying to get approval from everyone. This article was really good and perhaps has started me on a new road. Thank you Alex.
This is a good article about understanding and being more comfortable with our true self which is often neglected. I agree that we should always stay true to ourselves but external circumstances force us to put on a mask and conform to existing rules.
By reconciling the two, we may just become more effective human beings.
Jeflin
Each individual brings a unique light into the world…
Great fundamental steps each individual must take to become a more whole person. Thanks for your valuable information it is really helpful for everyone.
Thanks for sharing, this is a great article. Many people tend to forget the power they have within themselves and sometimes are searching in the wrong places for the answers they already have. If you would like, check out my website http://www.theyoumovement.com because it resonates the ideals in this post. Great job!
Barbara
Thank you for your comments everyone! I’m sure Alex will be thrilled.
Thanks for all your positive comments, I’m glad this article has been helpful.
Love and Gratitude
Alex
Each individual brings a unique light into the world…
The cost of being free is always a high price no matter how you look at it. Personal life, business, etc. But the return is worth the investment. Just like what was outlined in ‘the prize.’
Love this one !
THx for such a wonderfull post, I am sure I will read it couple more times.
Regards
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