How Our Cravings and Attachments Cause Our Pain And Suffering, Part 2
If you look deeply into your own life, into your own disappointments, you’ll find something shocking. Much of our unhappiness comes from our desires and attachments – even the ones we achieve! How does this happen? How is this possible? This post is an attempt to describe this strange phenomenon.
Furthermore, for many, there is fear in letting go of our attachments – what will life be like without attachments and cravings? Do we turn into a passionless statue; does all joy disappear? No – we are simply left with the freedom to enjoy all we have.
This is Part Two of the series on attachment. It builds on the ideas and exercises found in Part One.
Looking Deeply Into Our Desires
And so we’ve spoken of how attachment almost always ends in pain. The first question we need to ask is – is there a difference between attachment and desire? If we end our attachments, do our desires go with them? So many have been confused about this – what is left without attachments and desire? They fear turning into a sexless, emotionless, passionless vegetable; something less than human, unable to enjoy anything in life.
But that is simply not true. Perhaps the distinction has to be made, then, between desire and attachment, which is characterised by craving. Please be careful, for this is not simply clever word play; nor is it a matter of varying degrees.
Desire and Attachment
Let us divide this into smaller portions. The first – is it possible to desire something and not be attached to it? Is it possible to desire something and not suffer?
Take the most mundane attachment – just as an example, please don’t get caught up in what I describe. Chocolate, chips, pizza. Sometimes they are just that – food, a small pleasure. One night, we just feel like eating some pizza, and that is all. If we don’t get it, so what? Nothing. It is still desire, but it is not afflictive.
But comfort eating is a term we are all familiar with. No longer is chocolate just chocolate, it is now a band-aid for stress, for anger, for loneliness. Smokers, for instance, know that their addiction has two parts – the physical cravings, born of chemistry, and the mental, created from emotional neediness and unresolved issues.
It is the same for almost everything one can think of. We turn to our lovers for comfort and company, and if they are too busy, or too tired, what then? What do we take their rejection to mean? Are we looking to be with them simply for the sake of being with them? Or are we looking for them to fill something deep inside us?
How would one know the difference? Simply watch - what happens if you can’t get what you want? What do you say? How do you feel? Do you resort to manipulation, fall into despair, run to a substitute, or do you try to distract yourself? Can you simply let the desire slide?
The First Distinction
And so this is the first distinction. Is all desire bad; does it all lead to unhappiness? No. Perhaps I am just assigning new meanings to words here, but just for now, let us make a distinction between harmless desire and afflictive cravings. The cravings and attachment we discuss here come from a feeling of being incomplete, unfulfilled, and a longing for something to fill it.
Some desires can even be seen as good, positive, compassionate. When you see a crying child, is it wrong to desire to comfort her? When you see a homeless man, is it wrong to want him to be happy and comfortable? Ask yourself – is it a desire, or is it a craving? Is your concern for them a desire, perhaps selfless and genuine, or do your actions and thoughts stem from a need to be recognized as a “good person”?
The Intangibles
This leads us to the next point – cravings do not extend merely to the physical. We could crave respect, popularity, love. From whom? “Them.”
So many people cannot even name who “they” are, and yet so much of their lives revolve around getting “their” approval. Many people also crave their own approval, their own love, too. And the list goes on – we could crave control, power, or safety.
And again the distinction is important. There is nothing wrong with being popular, in control, or being loved by that special someone. But when we begin craving it, when it comes from a feeling of lack – the troubles begin.
Many people begin manipulating, lying, controlling, forcing others to give them what they want. And so the anguish they cause is not restricted to themselves.
Another becomes a doormat, disrespecting himself, in a useless attempt to get someone to like him. Yet another becomes arrogant, a braggart, thinking it is the same as confidence. In the end, she ends up being disliked – the very opposite of what she wanted.
The Root of Attachment
How else do our cravings hurt us? In the first part of this series, we’ve looked at our own lives, for how our attachments operate, and what their roots are. One of the most common roots is being a failure – I once read that everyone suffers from a deep feeling of not being enough.
For me, this sense of failure shows itself in so many hidden ways. Just one: A fear that I am gullible, boyish and not manly, a distinct lack of worldliness, experience, and street toughness that is obvious to anyone who meets me.
And this hidden shame has driven so much of my life in ways I did not realise. I was shocked the day I looked at my own attachments and unskilful behaviour – the day I followed them down to the core – for they all stemmed from this same shame.
I used to find myself attracted to people and situations I saw as dangerous. I thought girlfriends who lived a wild life, for instance, would give me the worldliness I craved. I would seek out the most dangerous nightspots, places where fights and stabbings and drug abuse were rampant. I was shy and submissive around people I saw as having that life experience, that toughness. My old smoking habits, among other vices, were a cover-up, a subtle form of rebellion – only worldly adults smoked, was the subconscious driving assumption. This is my body, I am in control of it. I will hurt it if I want to!
A twisted form of control, killing yourself, but until we look at it, we do not realise what is happening inside us. What absurd assumptions, all of them. Typed onto the screen like this, how silly and childish they seem. But they drove me subconsciously for years.
Projections of Our Internal
Further, when we crave, when we cling, we do not see people as they are. We are projecting our neediness, our sorrows – all the garbage inside us – onto them. And it is an insult. For them not to be seen as a human being; but for what they can do for us. Make me feel good, make me feel loved, make me feel safe, feed me, take care of me, impress my friends. That is all they are reduced to – a function, a service.
And it is just as likely they are doing it to us too, and then what do we have? Not two human beings together, but two images, two roles, two cardboard cut-outs. Where has the humanity gone? This is so cruel, and yet so painstakingly common that it simply seems normal.
Disillusionment and Guilt
And this leads to the next thing – how can they be more than what they simply are? A man is just a man; a woman is just a woman, a car is just a car, a title is just a title. What can they do to remove your sorrows, to make you feel better?
How many of our arguments with those close to us started because we look for them to be something more than what they are? When we are looking for them to fill a hole, one they cannot fill, that they are not obligated to fill? How many romances have begun simply out of this false sense of incompleteness?
And we don’t know this – so we keep looking. We look for the next sensual pleasure to take away our hidden shames; we look for a special man or woman to cover our loneliness.
And the whole time, the craving is still there – it is always there. It has just been covered up briefly, and then it returns. Sometimes, this leads to a deep sense of despair – will it never end? How much more must I gather before I can be at peace? Some fall into apathy, giving up. Others become disillusioned. And still others get mad, blaming those they selected for not fulfilling their needs.
Similarly, some cravings are bad for us, not in the philosophical or moral sense, but plain bad – drugs hurt our bodies irreparably, for instance. And when we do give in – not only do the cravings return soon after, but we are wracked with guilt for having indulged.
How many of the worst behaviours in humanity’s history have come from cravings that have gone out of control?
The Object Does Not Cause The Pain
And so we come to the most common misconception that needs to be cleared up. Letting go of our attachments does not mean we do not protect ourselves – let the thieves empty our houses, let the frauds take our belongings, let the violence ravage our bodies!
Non-attachment is an inner state. A rich man could give away all his possessions and suffer even more because he was still internally attached. And yet – if his possessions were stolen, and he has done all he can to get them back – what would cause him more anguish? Attachment, or non-attachment?
The opposing end is true as well. A rich man could have everything he wanted, and enjoy them all the more without the cravings, the attachments. There is nothing wrong with having most of the things we desire. Naturally, some cravings are just plain nasty – wanting to hurt another person is a fine example. But if you want money, or love, or any of those, then go for it. Does removing your attachment to health mean you stop exercising, stop looking after yourself?
Most definitely not! Chasing new joys, setting new goals, all of these can still be pursued, but from a place of freedom, and not from the unease of craving.
So let us be clear – it is the internal craving that causes our suffering; it is our inner attachments that have to be dealt with. Removing them is freedom.
The Receptionist Who Made a Mistake
This last point can be hard to see, so a small example might help – please try to see how this would apply to a situation from your own life, your own attachments.
A few weeks ago, an old back injury began acting up. It got so bad that I went for a massage from a sports therapist, and afterwards, went for lunch. As I walked into the restaurant, I opened my wallet – and found that it was empty. I suddenly realised the receptionist had not given me my change.
I rushed back into my car and drove back to the therapist, but lunchtime traffic was heavy, and the drive took a while. It gave me time to notice what I was feeling. My mind was racing – did he do it intentionally? Once I get there, will he deny my claim? Or did I drop the money without realising?
It was then I realised worrying could not help at all. It would not have made any difference. During the drive, I decided to let go of my attachment to my money and to the outcome of the upcoming talk with the receptionist. When I reached the office, I politely notified the receptionist of his error, and he quickly gave me back my change.
Giving up Attachment Does Not Mean Simply Giving Up
A minor example, but it explains two important points. First, without attachment to the outcome of the meeting, I was actually more effective. There was no anxiety or accusation in my voice when I spoke to him. Imagine, briefly, how the interaction would have gone if the drive had been shorter and I arrived in anxiety or anger.
Secondly, and perhaps the most important, it did not mean I simply gave up on my money. I might have simply decided to go without lunch, but it didn’t have to be that way.
Giving up your attachment to anything does not mean that you still can’t work for it, enjoy it, or desire it. The difference, then, is in the how, not the what. When I re-entered the office, I was not worried, angry, or upset – all signs of attachment. Rather, I entered with an attitude of curiosity – what will happen?
And most importantly, regardless of the outcome, I was free and relaxed.
What’s Next?
With the preparatory material out of the way, we can finally get to the meat of the series. How, exactly, do we remove these cravings and attachments? What are the good ways of doing so, and what are the dangerous and misguided methods?
Link Love
Brave New Traveler is a site that I am excited to come across. Exploring the Inner Journey through the outer world is the tagline, and the blog carries an interesting mix of articles that reflects this focus. Some recent examples: The Tao of Vagabond Travel, and The Kung Fu Warrior’s Guide to Arguing with Logic.
Another site I’ve found is Color Your Life Happy, by Flora Morris-Brown. I love the whole vibe and feel of the blog and the writings. A great post you might enjoy: How’s Doom and Gloom working for you?
Last but not least is Outstanding Club, by the awesome Iain Hamp. There is something alluring about the tagline: Ordinary People, Outstanding Actions. A fairly young blog, but with so much potential. A recent post I loved was: Writing Your Own Personal Mission Statement.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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50 Comments, Comment or Ping
David B. Bohl @ SlowDownFAST.com
Albert,
Excellent post (as usual).
I cannot tell you how many times expectations - mine and those I mistakenly assumed others had of me - have tripped me up throughout my life.
David
Jun 24th, 2008
Go Public
Thank you for this great article. I found directions very similar to yours, adviced by a yogi, and in the last three years I haven’t been ill at all, and had headache 3-4 times at all. I also like your story about the receptionist who did a mistake, your attitude has been perfect in the situation.
Jun 24th, 2008
uzma
Albert , Albert it’s great to have you back.
Eagerly awaiting your next article.
Jun 24th, 2008
Albert
Thank you so much David, Go Public, and Uzma. It’s good to be back!
Jun 24th, 2008
Alexander M Zoltai
I just posted a feature on my blog highlighting your two installments about detachment:
http://amzuri.wordpress.com/20.....ure-sorry/
~ Alex
Jun 24th, 2008
Jarrod - WarriorDevelopment
Another very important article.
The point about good actions sometimes being driven by attachments is an often understated one. I remember being on a tram once and an older lady was trying to get her trolley down the steps. I jumped up out of my seat and helped her.
What I noticed was that in the moment leading up to my action and thereafter there was a particular sensation manifesting in my chest. An emotion of wanting to feel good about myself and be thanked.
Jun 24th, 2008
Evan
This is superb Albert.
Distinguishing between desire and craving/attachment is especially important I think. Our physical existence means desires in my view (many a debate to be had about this I think).
Looking forward to the next one. Many thanks.
Jun 24th, 2008
Liara Covert
The option always exists to shift one’s mindset about success. Where conditoning seems to ingrain unhappiness and dissatisfaction, you can choose to reject that. Adopt a different undestanding. No human being is limited except for the illusions that each individual chooses to create.
Jun 25th, 2008
Barbara
Hello Albert,
As I clicked on your site today I was immediately drawn to “About Me and my mission statement”. I read it long ago and had no need to read it again as I remembered it clearly. I recalled your story of starting the blog and what you expressed at the time to be rather grandiose goals. Even you questioning their origin or future.
Then I saw what Liara wrote above, shifting the mindset of success, adopting different understandings, to recognize no limit. I then saw how successfully and fully you have grown into your own mission statement. It is incredible to watch the process and it touches my heart deeply. And further, it may be incredible for you, but I never had a doubt from the moment I read your intent. My observation of all that’s transpired has been nothing short of graceful, bountiful, fulfilling.
It is all so incredibly good.
Jun 26th, 2008
Big
I came across Part 1 a bit ago and signed on for RSS feeds so that I would continue to nourish myself with your words about attachment as I find myself at a crossroad in my life and something that I am working on with my relationships with women.
Thank you.
Jun 26th, 2008
CarolynB
Welcome back Albert! How went the exams?
Excellent post. Boy, did I need this one today.
Jun 26th, 2008
Albert
@ Alex: Thank you for the link. I left a comment there but seems it didn’t get through?
@ Jarrod: Good to have you hear mate! That’s very high awareness to notice stuff like that, amazing.
@ Evan: Thank you so much, that’s high praise.
@ Liara: Thank you again
@ Barbara: I really appreciate your support over the time you’ve been here. It really does help when the going gets tough.
@ Big: I know how you feel mate, as attachment to relationships were one of the biggest things I had to work through myself. A break-up would turn me into a blubbering mess. Good luck, I know you can make it.
@ Carolyn: Thanks
I did alright, I hope, considering that the subjects were the ones I’m worst at this semester - psych biology and statistics. I’m more of a human oriented type guy, not this scientific type crap. Just gotta wait for the results in a fortnight I guess.
Jun 26th, 2008
Alexander M Zoltai
Albert !
Got your comment on:
http://amzuri.wordpress.com/20.....ure-sorry/
Much appreciated!
~ Alex
Jun 26th, 2008
Niw
Great!…
This made me wonder about various aspects of my present and past life.
Anyway craving=lack of self-confidence. Am i wrong?
Thank you for this post Albert.
Jun 27th, 2008
Robert Stout
This article makes me think of different thing in my life. thanks
Jun 27th, 2008
budding gardener
Albert,
Thank you for taking the time to write this. This is something I can really struggle with at times. In fact, just this morning I started out with a lot of the usual feelings - I wish…
Reading your essay helped me clear my head and get back on track. I’m getting ready to leave the office, and what started out as a bad day has become a beautiful one.
Jun 27th, 2008
Albert
@ Alex: Great, thanks!
@ Niw, Robert, and Budding Gardener: thank you so much. I’m glad it helped!
Jun 27th, 2008
Reach regulation
This articole is great Albert…. just great
Jun 27th, 2008
Jonathan
I am not convinced that attachment in itself is bad, but rather the form that attachment takes. I think it is okay to want things, people or even places, it’s when we *need* then that we set ourselves up for pain.
Jun 28th, 2008
Locum
“How, exactly, do we remove these cravings and attachments?”
by realizing them. Correcting errors is a big part of the path to a happy life. You cannot remove these cravings and attachments completely, but you can ’soothe’ them, i believe.
Jun 29th, 2008
David Steinberg
Given the above example, not going to retrieve your change and not driving your polluting vehicle back the several miles to get it may have been more “detached” as you call it. Is it not “giving up” to leave behind some loose change.
It sounds more like you are finding a way to engage your attachments, the mistake was not made by the receptionist it was made by the monk:
“I left the girl at the stream,” replied Tanzan. “Why do you carry her still?”
Jun 29th, 2008
Albert
@Reach Regulation: Thanks, mate.
@ Jonathan: I think you just summed up my article
@ David: You raise a good point, however, I used the example to illustrate a point - many people seem to think that giving up an attachment to something means they don’t have it anymore. Taken to an extreme, some think that if they give up their attachment to their body, they will just wither away and die because they don’t bother to eat or anything like that. I just wanted to illustrate that it is not the case. I could have given up the money, but I wanted to eat (maybe I’m attached to lunch, I don’t know). Just like the monk in the example you give, attachment is internal. Tanzen carried the girl but he felt nothing internally - in the same way you could go and get some money and feel nothing internally, which is different from the other monk, who did not touch the girl but thought about her non-stop. Hope that makes some sense.
Jun 29th, 2008
Albert
@ Locum: Hey there. Thanks for that - yes realising your attachments is a major first step and for many, that is all they need! I’ll discuss this a little more in the next post.
Jun 29th, 2008
Jarrod - Warrior Development
“a major first step and for many, that is all they need! I’ll discuss this a little more in the next post.”
I’ll be interested to read this post Albert (:
Jun 29th, 2008
Albert
Thanks Jarrod
Jun 30th, 2008
Alex Kay
The more I read from you, the more I understand that “my topic” has a lot do with yours.
And that actually, everything has to do with everything. When you look closely, or very far away, it’s all just one, and it’s our minds who create it.
Wonderful post Albert, and also great to see such a great discussion in the comments!
All the best, see you in 18 days.
Alex
Jun 30th, 2008
Kallie Erasmus
Hi!
Great post as usual.
Key to escaping the attachment trap is what Krishnamurti called the “tyranny of the known” when he reminded us that the most difficult thing to learn is something we think we know already.
Instead of thinking we know what we want or need we need to be more present in the moment and allow the universe to guide our destiny. This doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing but, as you say, pursuing our goals from a position of freedom rather than angst.
Jun 30th, 2008
Albert
Hey there Alex and Kallie - thanks for the compliments and additional insights. I really got to read some more Krishnamurti, I got one of his books as a present a while back but never got around to it. All the best to you both as well
Jun 30th, 2008
Cozmo
I know a guy that tried for years to get rid of all his attachments and he ultimately realized that it was making him miserable, which seems to contradict what you guys say. I think he realized what you said.. you don’t have to give everything up, just give up the desire.
I see stories from people that had their car stolen or crashed… and they panic and freak out about all the work and money they had put into it. Some level-headed people always say “well, is everyone ok? It is just a car, you can get another one.”
I do find that my desires make me disappointed and have to try really hard to even be satisfied with what I already have.
Jul 2nd, 2008
Andrew Link
Nice post. I’m really amazed. Thank you.
Jul 2nd, 2008
Jarrod - Warrior Development
@Cozmo: I think one of the difficulties with removing our attachments is recognising them all. They are often very sneaky, subtle and small. Not only do we have to give up our attachment to external things but also to internal things. Some would say feeling miserable is not an attachment it is a state of being. I would disagree, if you can trace to the source of the misery most would probably find attachment to something or even to the misery itself.
@: I had an incident at a coffee shop similar to the one mentioned in the article yesterday. Was with a group of friends before a movie. My hot chocolate hadn’t arrived so I asked one of the waiters if it was coming and they said yes. More time passed and we had to head off for the movie. During that time I saw all sorts of anger, fear and thoughts occur in my head. If I had of got attached to them my night would’ve been terrible. I could’ve complained before I left and tried to demand a takeaway drink but I decided that it was a one-off honest mistake and the trouble it would cause the staff was unnecessary compared to the small amount of money I lost.
It was a fun night.
Jul 2nd, 2008
Albert
Thank you Cozmo and Andrew. Cozmo, the way someone tries to get rid of the attachments play a big part - certain ways of doing things simply make it worse. He might be simply forcing himself not to indulge, which makes it more difficult.
Jarrod - thanks! It’s good to hear that story. As another reader above said, letting go of your attachments could just as easily meant that you don’t care anymore and let go of the external object as well (as in your example), although we could simply have the external object too (as in mine).
Jul 2nd, 2008
RebelZen
Excellent post Albert and a great take on the spiritual problem of detachment. Detachment is a great thing to have, but it can be a fine line to walk.
I think a key is to remind ourselves that we are already complete and enlightened, and are cravings for things are just us forgetting this fact and looking for something to fill a perceived hole in our being
Jul 2nd, 2008
Albert
Good stuff Rebel Zen. I’m still struggling with the idea that we are already complete and enlightened, even though every one says it, I still don’t really know what it means.
Jul 2nd, 2008
Evita
Albert, this is such a fantastic post! I just found your site thanks to Alex Zoltai’s “Our Evolution”.
It really resonates with me as I have people in my life who choose to suffer through their attachments to things, people and situations and try really hard to bring me into that. I am fine and capable of not being part of their experience - but it is not always the easiest thing.
Anyway - glad I found your site - really good stuff!
Jul 3rd, 2008
Stephen Martile
Albert -
I’ve always viewed commitment and attachment as polar opposites.
I view ATTACHMENT as, “having an outcome look and go a certain way”
This is the ego mind trying to control the outcome. Here’s an example: let’s say you want to earn $1,000 by month end. Being attached may mean that you have to earn this $1,000 by working overtime in your job. Basically this would be the only solution for an attached person.
I view COMMITMENT as, “having an outcome happen the easiest way it will happen”
Let’s take the same example, to earn $1,000 by month end. This time a committed person would be open to any new ideas, creative solutions or open doors that present themselves.
The key is that a commited person using the creative mind as opposed to the ego mind. There’s much more power in this. A committed person is open to the Universal solutions. They let it happen the way that it’s meant to happen. A committed person doesn’t force a result or become extremely focused on having it a certain way.
Jul 3rd, 2008
Evan
Hi Stephen,
I really like the distinction between commitment and attachment. I need to sit with it and let it sink in.
Thanks
Jul 3rd, 2008
Albert
@ Evita: I’m really glad to have you here!
@ Stephen: I agree with Evan, a really good distinction. Like I always say, the true value of this blog lies in the comments, and that was a great example.
Jul 4th, 2008
Sonia
Hmm… this sounds exactly like Krishnamurti’s chapter on craving, desire and attachment in his book (and my favourite, ever) “Freedom From The Known”. I recently lent it to a friend so cannot check but I feel like I am reading passages straight out of this book. It’s probably a coincidence. Maybe I am just too attached to Krishnamurti
to see his wisdom in someone else. I’m new though, so this is probably your style, just like his.
Either way: excellent read!
Jul 16th, 2008
Albert
Hey Sonia! Attachment is a pretty universal teaching - the information in here was inspired by 50% my experiences, 20% Buddhism, 20% modern psychology, and 10% various authors like Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckhart Tolle, etc. Thanks for the comment
Jul 16th, 2008
Freedom Lies Within
Really good post. I especially liked the distinction between cravings and desires. This misconception, I think, is what holds people back from letting go of attachments and finding inner freedom.
For those that want to learn how to let go, though, I recomend the Sedona Method or the Release Technique. Both of which offer free information or downloads in addition to their products.
Jul 24th, 2008
Albert
Thanks for that Freedom. I’m a big fan of releasing too, and am planning to write a review on it soon. I do believe that letting go is one of the most efficient ways to change your attachments.
Jul 24th, 2008
Freedom Lies Within
That would be great. Hopefully it will get more people to check it out.
Jul 24th, 2008
Mike
This is so true. Pain does not always come from where we expect.
Jul 26th, 2008
shepherdfamilyvalues
Life includes suffering and pain. Joy comes from having a God who cares for us and stays with us no matter what.
Aug 2nd, 2008
axel g
Hello Albert!
Urban Monk is really a quality site…
Keep it up!
Aug 8th, 2008
Albert
Thank everyone
Aug 8th, 2008
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