Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post was contributed by Carolyn from What The Hell is This?
No one likes to feel crappy, right?
Certain powerful sensations and emotions are simply uncomfortable, if not downright painful. For some people, feeling sadness or grief is nearly intolerable; others would rather cry for an hour than feel intense anxiety or fear. Having experienced some form of depression on and off since my teens (and having grown almost used to it), I’ve always fallen in the latter category. I’d rather bear those ills I know, if I have to bear any ills at all.
Interestingly enough, it was in experiencing some new ones that I learned something about the old ones, and stumbled across a more effective way of dealing with both.
A Personal Story
A year and a half ago my money started to run out. It was January, my town was buried in several feet of snow, and I was unemployed and living in a dark one-room apartment. For the first time in my life, an overwhelming anxiety took possession of me — and, truly, it was like possession — along with something like agoraphobia. I remember standing inside the entrance of a Target superstore one day in late winter, enveloped in what I can only describe as existential terror. (Never mind the valid sociological argument that the proper human response to a Target superstore is existential terror. That’s fodder for a another post, another time!) The warehouse-sized building full of endless rows of merchandise seemed foreign, overwhelming, even somehow menacing. I wove uneasily among adjacent departments, avoiding the aisles like a frightened rabbit. I was unprepared and uncomprehending. What was happening to me?
I had never before experienced such protracted and uninterrupted periods of unmitigated fear. Every morning I woke up consumed with dread; all day long my exhausted adrenals pumped fight-or-flight hormones throughout my body. In the ensuing months, I had a bout of pneumonia; my upstairs neighbor (a drummer in a rock band) and his drunken buddies awakened me consistently most nights around four a.m., until I developed insomnia; I started a high-stress job as administrator for an organization that had only two paid full-time staff; and I packed up all my belongings and moved in with an acquaintance to escape my neighbor’s nightly after-parties, which no amount of negotiating and pleading had quieted.
I have never been quite the same since. The cumulative effect of all of this on my nervous system was such that no amount of herbal therapy, yoga, acupuncture, hot baths, or the conventional prescription and nonprescription drugs I tried without success could completely mitigate the aftershock. Even now I sleep lightly, and not infrequently with difficulty. I feel the vibrations of adjacent footfalls and bass lines in my bones. There is a tightness, an almost painful constriction in my chest that I can feel acutely when I become still and empty my busy mind. Oftentimes meditation and relaxation are synonymous with a greater awareness of this discomfort. Depending on its intensity, it can feel like anything from restlessness to outright panic. It increases under certain stressors, like when I’m faced with the necessity of moving again. A task such as packing can literally give me heart palpitations.
Thinking about Feelings
Certain thoughts about controlling these feelings just exacerbate them, too. Well-meaning converts to the Law of Attraction, who caution me that such “negativity” will create more of the same in my life, only help to increase the anxiety by turning up the volume on my own obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Step on a crack, break my mother’s back. Quick, don’t think a bad thing! Oh my God, I’ve done it now…
Note that I said certain thoughts about controlling these feelings. Ever the rationalist by nature (or more likely by nurture), my first instinct is to try to solve my discomfort by thinking even more about it. Despite years of evidence to the contrary, I seem to believe that ruminating endlessly upon the possible causes of my distress will somehow make it go away. Why am I feeling bad? Let’s dissect this from every possible angle! A good seventy percent of the therapy I underwent for a decade (for depression) involved an endless and often fruitless dissection of my past in an attempt to alleviate the pain in my present. But adding context did not necessarily create relief.
In fact, it frequently seemed that the more I obsessed about my perceived troubles and “issues,” the harder I tried to “fix” these intractable “problems” I had, the bigger and more solid they grew and the more frustrating they became. As if my constantly spinning thoughts were actually spinning them into a gigantic snowball. The story gained momentum with each retelling.
Last summer I picked up The Power of Now
Non-Resistance
The key word he used was nonresistance. Which meant neither running away from discomfort nor fighting it. Instead of immediately commencing the usual struggle, he recommended that we allow the feeling, and give it no more attention than nonjudgmental observation. I honestly didn’t know if I could I sit still and just be with an experience, even when the experience was wholly unpleasant, but it was worth a try. Could I refrain from jumping on the thought train and turning everything into a major issue? Could I break a lifelong, ingrained, unconscious habit?
The answer turned out to be yes — when I’m paying attention! I’m a lot more conscious of my unconscious reactions now than I was, so when the intense anxiety possesses me, as it did when I was in the midst of packing for my latest move, I can sometimes catch myself in the act of resistance.
I was in the car with an old and dear friend, on the way to what I had hoped would be a lovely Sunday brunch, when it seized me, violently, like a blindsided hostage. I was seasick with dread; my stomach knotted and my heart raced. The downtown streets looked ugly, squalid, and hostile. At first I tried to fight the feeling, then despaired at the thought that our outing was ruined.
Suddenly I remembered Tolle’s words: resist nothing.
I relaxed into my discomfort. As if it were the most normal thing in the world. Okay, I decided, so I’m going to feel like this right now. I neither battled nor ignored the sensations, but simply allowed them to blow through my system like a minor typhoon, as my friend continued to tell me about her new house. By the time we were parking, they were already ebbing away. When we sat down at a table, it was hard for me to believe how I had felt only minutes before, and we did have a lovely brunch, after all.
Who woulda thought it? Certainly not me. But that’s the beauty of not thinking.
A Beautiful Meditation
A postscript for other anxiety and panic sufferers: in addition to surrender, I have found this breathing meditation, adapted from Thich Nhat Hanh (and borrowing a gesture from Kundalini yoga), very helpful. It can be done while lying down or sitting in your favorite meditation posture. Placing your right hand over your heart, breathe deeply from the belly while silently reciting each line with the appropriate inhalation or exhalation:
Breathing in, I calm my heart.
Breathing out, I smile at my heart.
Suspending each in-breath and out-breath for a few seconds will help slow your pulse.
About the Author
Carolyn writes under the alias of AlienBaby, as she has always been bewildered by what is regarded as “normal” on this wacky planet called Earth, and also likes to pull things apart and play with them. Her blog, What The Hell is This? combines social commentary and timeless wisdom themes with flagrant navel-gazing. A resident of Denver, Colorado, USA, she is not a licensed professional of any kind, but encourages you to try this at home. Her ruminations draw upon authors of philosophy, psychology, spirituality, sociology, ontology, and other fascinating subjects that end in y.
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25 Comments , Comment or Ping
Glen Allsopp
Great story and an excellent guest post, I’m glad to see some new content being posted here:
Last summer I picked up The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle for the first time, and at once something clicked. With incredibly lucid, unadorned prose, he describes exactly how we perpetuate our own suffering in our minds, keeping our pain and worry alive with our repetitive thoughts about past and future.
I had the exact same feeling, things just started to click and make sense.
Cheers,
Glen
Aug 7th, 2008
CarolynB
Thanks, Glen! I don’t get that ‘clicking’ often. Tolle has a pretty amazing ability to communicate what he knows.
Honored to be here,
Carolyn
Aug 8th, 2008
Evita
Excellent post Carolyn - thank you so much for sharing your story. I think it gives people a quick appreciation of what they have and where they are as many of us live great lives and still complain, complain, complain…
I too am a great fan of Eckhart’s work. When I read his book last fall, I could not stop shaking my head at how much sense his words carried for our lives.
It truly feels amazing to let things flow through us instead of resisting them!
Aug 8th, 2008
Niw
Wow, it seems so simple to relax into negative emotions but…
Anyway thank you Carolyn for sharing your story. (I feel the same way)
The question is : to me it seems that CBT (Albert docet) has more scientific basis than Tolle’s teachings (but I like the latter). So do you think that there are differences? I’m totally new in spirituality, but I’m experienced with anxiety.
So you know, i tend to take the theachings with caution. But obviously I could be wrong. I’m doubtful, and I’m afraid to take the wrong way to win my struggles.
Aug 8th, 2008
nobe
i heard a lot of good things about eckhart tolle from oprah.
sincerely,
nobe
Dear Iago,
<a href=”www.nobe112681.blogspot.com
Aug 8th, 2008
CarolynB
Thanks, Evita. As a friend of mine who had a rough upbringing likes to say, “Just one more f*ing opportunity for growth!!!”
NIW, I think you do have to find what works for you. I have an overactive rational mind that’s always busy busy busy, and rational-emotive or cognitive-behavioral approaches that rely on thoughts just seem to keep me in the same hyper-mental groove. People like me need to learn to chill out and just be! I would, however, suggest that you ease your worries about taking the “wrong way to win” your struggles. Framing it like that will just create more anxiety for you. I’m a perfectionist, I know! Try out different approaches and test them, it’s the only way to find out. There are many roads to Rome, not just one perfect one.
Nobe,
Aug 9th, 2008
Raj Krishnaswamy
Great post. Kundalini yoga is a very powerful form of yoga and can produce phenomenal results. A word of caution though for all readers. Do not try to practice this form of yoga by reading books and such. You need the advice and guidance from an experienced and well known master so the techniques can be properly carried out. Great article.
Aug 9th, 2008
CarolynB
Thanks Raj. I guess I should insert the disclaimer that the one thing I “borrowed” from Kundalini is the hand-over-the-heart. There’s a meditation they use for calming, and I discovered that that particular element simply felt reassuring to my inner little kid. But it’s not the same meditation, so you’re not “doing Kundalini” if you’re doing what I do.
Aug 10th, 2008
LuckyGirl
Terrific post, and maybe there’s hope for me yet. I haven’t been able to get that “click” yet, while intellectually being in and accepting the moment sounds like a good plan, I’ve not been able to make it work. Maybe I’ll read Tolle’s book again.
Aug 11th, 2008
Robert Walker
The issues involved with anxiety make me think about the abstruse, but oh-so-true, Buddhist teaching that aversion is (also) a form of craving.
It takes a lot of work, and “right effort,” to be able to truly let go and just be. Yet another paradox.
NIW — It’s good to doubt teachings. The point, and value, of any teaching is to see its veracity (or falsity) for yourself. Any true path involves seeing things for yourself, not following prescribed dogma.
As for being a beginner, I would highly recommend picking up “Awakening the Buddha Within,” by Lama Surya Das. As he explains in the book, it’s not about *believing* in anything, but rather seeing things as they really are. To me, at least, the former is religion, the latter being (what I see as) the true path to self-awareness.
Aug 13th, 2008
CarolynB
Robert, so true. I’m allergic to “religion.”
Luckygirl, thanks! I was helped along a lot before that moment by Terry at The Emergent Coach (his link’s on my blog). Through much patience and effort, he helped me to start to grasp that I wasn’t going to get anywhere with my dominant rational mind. I never quite GOT that there’s a transcendent awareness that can actually WATCH the squirrelly workings of your mind — once you can separate the two. He calls it “aware ego, ” Tolle calls it consciousness, zen masters call it nothing and just sit in it! But it didn’t matter what I called it because it was all just words, words, words until I could experience that separation myself.
Aug 16th, 2008
Amaterashu
I believe in law attraction. because I’ve experienced it in my life ^^
here is my method, if you want anything happen, just imagine that it has already your mine.. you have to make a positive thinking and (more important) positive feeling about your wishes .it sounds crazy, but it works
The bigger your wishes, the longer it can happen.. ^^
Aug 19th, 2008
Seng
Hi everyone, I’m the author of PanicAttackResearch.blogspot.com Do visit my blog as there are free tips and techniques on overcoming or coping with Panic or Anxiety.
All the best,
Seng
Aug 20th, 2008
msn nickleri
Hi, i do not get that ‘clicking’ often.
Good post. Thanks..
Aug 25th, 2008
Heather
I’ve found, personally, that a great way to relinquish that negativity is to realize that all you’re doing is focusing on yourself… and when you start giving selflessly to other people (especially to someone who you can trust) then all of a sudden you’re not anxious or depressed anymore… you’re validated, because there’s purpose and belonging and love in the act of giving! It’s the last thing I want to do when I’m in a funk, but it is such a blessing when I remember and choose to do so.
Aug 28th, 2008
Nancy
What a great post! I will share it with all my friends and family who seek information to move along through life. This was very informative to say the least. Thank you!!
Seeking ways to cope with anxiety, stress and sleep deprivation in a non medical way takes faith and persistence.
Please visit our website/blog at http://www.sleepcompass.com which is our way of trying to help (non medical) those feeling the great sleep deprivation.
Nancy
http://www.sleepcompass.com
Aug 29th, 2008
Media Training
I had a terrible bought of anxiety due to noisy neighbours in the above flat. it wasn’t rock drummers, but their 1 year daughter that drove me mad! They let her stay up until 11, 12 or 1am sometimes. Running about on a wooden floor! Lets just say I was at my wits end - almost moving out!
But they eventually moved out and I got my sanity back, but it really was an awful experience so I can relate to your discomfort.
Sep 2nd, 2008
Clyde Dennis
Very nice read. Another way to deal with the discomfort of anxiety is to train yourself to use it as fuel. Let it move you to action toward solving that which you’re anxious about.
Sep 5th, 2008
Albert
Thank you so much for your comments everybody
Sep 5th, 2008
Alex Kay
This was a truly great post. Being - not thinking. Acceptance is so important when it comes to personal growth and self-improvement etc. You really have to be able to accept yourself - All the time, everytime. We’re not perfect. We’re not. And that’s what counts. That’s what’s perfect. Once again, lovely post. I don’t know how you guys do it, but it always seems I read the whole thing (which I rarely plan to do)… Lots of love! Alex
Sep 21st, 2008
Albert
Hey Alex - her story is pretty compelling isn’t it? Heh heh
Thanks for stopping by again.
Sep 21st, 2008
Ariel - We Are All One
It’s wonderful to hear another powerful testimonial to the incredibleness that is nonresistance, allowing, surrendering, and letting go. Learning to let go of resistance is, IMHO, one of the greatest skills anyone can learn.
Sep 22nd, 2008
Albert
It is a great article isn’t it? Thanks a lot Ariel.
Sep 22nd, 2008
Drraza
Great Article, I really like it. Subscribed.
Thanks
Sophia Alliee
Sep 29th, 2008
Albert
Glad to have you on board Sophia!
Sep 29th, 2008
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