Are Your “Projections” Limiting Your Success?

Aug 13, 2008

Editor’s Note: Today’s post is a guest by Christopher R. Edgar of Purpose Power Coaching. Thanks Chris!

I once coached a man who was, in most areas, a competent entrepreneur. He knew his business very well, he was dedicated and ambitious, and he was an effective leader for his team. But he had one sticking point. He knew others in his field owed much of their success to promoting their businesses at social events. However, he told me, he didn’t feel comfortable doing this. When he thought about talking up his company in a social setting, he worried that he would irritate his prospective customers.

“What makes you think people won’t like hearing about your business?” I asked.

“Well, I know I get annoyed when I go to an event just to relax, and people start pushing their companies on me.”

“So you figure other people are going to feel the same way you do?”

At first, he looked exasperated, and I thought he was going to snap “of course they will.” But suddenly his expression became more thoughtful, and he said “yeah, I guess that’s what I’ve been assuming.”

We talked a little about the possibility that some people might appreciate, or at least be interested in, learning more about others’ businesses at a social event. As the conversation went on, my client became more and more able to accept the idea that people could actually want to find out more about his services, so long as he wasn’t too aggressive or insistent. Finally, he resolved to bring some business cards to his next cocktail party and give it a try.

Projections and Seeing

How Projection Holds Us Back

The mindset my client came to me with is similar to the way many of us see the world. We tend to assume others think, feel and react to the world the way we do. Psychologists call this tendency “projection”—we “project” our ideas and emotions onto others when we act as if others share them. My client was having trouble introducing his business to others because he was projecting his irritation with people who promote themselves at social events, assuming other people experienced it too.

This habit shows up in every area of our lives. For instance, some people are afraid to approach others they’re attracted to because they fear that others have the same social anxiety, or desire to be left alone, that they do. Others have difficulty contacting others about business possibilities, because they assume others share their cynicism about entrepreneurial ideas. And so on.

Sometimes we don’t even recognize it’s our own feelings we’re projecting onto others. We deny that we have the emotion we’re projecting, and assume it’s only other people who feel that way. People who tend to assume others are angry at them, when in fact they’re the ones who are angry; or people who believe others are harshly judging them when they themselves are judgmental; are common examples.

Unconsciously, we do this because we don’t feel safe having or expressing the feelings we’re attributing to others, and feel more comfortable believing only other people experience them. As psychologist Lorne Ladner says in The Lost Art of Compassion, “what we project is always part of ourselves. Usually, it’s a part of ourselves that we have a hard time dealing with and therefore have repressed, split off, or otherwise pushed out of awareness.”

Recognizing And Transcending Our Projections

How can we overcome the limitations our projections place on our perspectives and our fulfillment in life? I find this simple exercise useful: if you find yourself afraid of doing something because you worry that others will react negatively to it, ask yourself how you’d react in their place.

For example, if you’re considering asking your employer for some time off, and you’re worrying about how he’ll react, ask yourself how you’d respond if your employee made the same request. You may find you were basing your expectation of how others will respond on what you would feel and think. If you’re assuming your employer would refuse your request, for instance, it may be because you’d do the same if you were in your employer’s shoes.

This exercise helps us see the areas of ourselves where we have opportunities to grow. When we recognize that the qualities, thoughts or feelings we’ve been attributing to others—whether we see others as cold, judgmental, dishonest, or something else—are actually our own, we get a sense of the qualities we’d like to cultivate within ourselves.

If we see others as stingy, for example, it’s likely because we see ourselves the same way and we have a desire to develop more generosity. If we perceive others as unloving, that probably stems from a desire to work on our own capacity to love. As spiritual teacher Bikshu Sangharakshita puts this point in Essence of Zen, “try to discover what it is you most dislike in others, what you most often criticize and condemn them for. A little elementary self-analysis may reveal that those qualities are hidden in the depths of your own mind and that in criticizing others in this way you are, in fact, unconsciously criticizing yourself.”

When we recognize the places where we have a desire to develop, and begin to grow in those areas, an incredible thing happens: the world seems to grow with us. Others appear to take on the qualities we cultivate in ourselves. For example, when I began to meditate and take up other practices to find inner peace, I was surprised at how peaceful everyone around me started to seem. As I went through my own personal transformation, I remember asking a few friends “why are you suddenly so relaxed? Have you been meditating or something?” In reality, I was projecting my newfound peace onto the world, where before I’d projected my inner conflict and anxiety.

Getting Comfortable With “Not Knowing”

This exercise also illustrates that, much of the time, you can’t rely on your own expectations about how other people will think and feel. Those expectations are likely based—consciously or otherwise—on your own experience of the world, and others may have different perspectives and behavior patterns. The truth, I think, is that we can never be completely sure how others will react to what we say and do. The best we can do is clearly state what we want, and be willing to accept either a positive or negative response. The best my client could do in his situation, for example, was to simply get out there, start promoting himself, and develop the composure to handle potential rejection.

Some people find the idea that we can’t predict how others will respond uncomfortable. “If I don’t know how people are going to react to me,” they think, “how will I know what I can and can’t do?” If we don’t know whether others will get annoyed when we try to promote our businesses, for instance, how can we know whether it’s a good idea to try?

When we find ourselves needing to know how others will respond to what we say and do, and unwilling to accept our uncertainty, it’s often because we’re afraid of getting a certain reaction. If we feel a strong need to predict how prospective customers will react to our sales pitches, for example, it’s likely because the possibility of hearing “no” makes us uncomfortable. Our obsession over what others might think and do arises from our need to avoid a response we don’t think we can handle.

Recognizing we have this kind of fear affords us a great opportunity to understand ourselves better, and to ultimately overcome the mental obstacles we’re facing. When we realize we’re worried about how others might react to us, we can dig deeper into what we’re really afraid of. What’s the worst thing that could happen, we might ask ourselves, if a potential customer didn’t want to hear about our business? What’s the worst that might happen if someone we were attracted to didn’t want to date us? And so on.

When we sincerely ask ourselves this type of question, we not only develop an understanding of what’s holding us back in life, but we often come to understand that our fears have no basis in our current reality, and begin to transcend them. When we become strong enough to accept and live with any response we might get from people, our need to know how others will react to us, and our tendency to project our thoughts and feelings onto them, naturally begin fading away.

Author’s Bio

Christopher R. Edgar is an author and success coach certified in hypnotherapy and NLP. He helps professionals transition to careers aligned with their true callings. He may be reached at http://www.purposepowercoaching.com.

Editor’s Note

Thanks Chris for this lovely guest article. I’m writing again, so the next article will be mine!

UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.

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36 Comments , Comment or Ping

uzma

Very nice. Its also amazing that I am reading it on Aug the 12th and its been posted on Aug the 13th..The wonder of time zones.

This clearly tells us, how to go beyong our fears and recognize our projections. Very useful . Thank u

Aug 13th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Uzma — thanks for your comment. Being able to instantly reach readers in every time zone is always a trip for me too. — Best, Chris

Aug 13th, 2008
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul

Excellent article. Our relationships with others are really a perfect mirror of our relationship with ourselves.

Blessings,
Andrea

Aug 13th, 2008
Evelyn Lim

Excellent article about how we are actually projecting our own fears in others without realising that we have them ourselves. Some self analysis is in order, obviously.

Thanks for sharing,
Evelyn

Aug 13th, 2008
Evita

One of our biggest obstacles is in fact to let go of old conditioning as we project that so often on people, things and situations around us and thus limit ourselves greatly.

Having the ability to approach each endeavor brand new without past fears, prejudices and projections is an art that many of us still have to master - but once done it can truly free us from the projections that hold us back.

And as you say “not knowing” is okay, in fact it is more than okay, it is a chance for great new growth and learning.

Aug 14th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Thanks Andrea, Evelyn and Evita for your kind words. In gratitude, Chris

Aug 14th, 2008
reema

hi, i really enjoyed reading this post. though i am a little confused. is it that if i think someone is a mean person for example, that i am mean too? so every bad thing i see, is something that i am myself?
i am not sure if i have understood this article. can someone help?

Aug 16th, 2008
Sunnyray

Very good article indeed. It is so true that we dislike in others those qualities that we dislike in ourselves. I often see this while observing other people and their behavior. I also try to see what it is that I criticize in others and correct it, which is much more difficult task, but worth undertaking.

Aug 16th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Reema — thanks for your question. I wouldn’t say we always have the traits we observe in others. However, I think it’s useful to keep the possibility in mind whenever we find ourselves judging someone. If I find myself thinking “that person is mean,” for instance, I can learn a lot about myself by pondering the question “do I think and act in the same ways they do sometimes?” Even if I’m not as open or vocal about it, do I have the same feelings they’re expressing?

When I do this exercise, I often discover the uncomfortable fact that I behave, or at least think, just like that person from time to time. I was just criticizing them because it was too uncomfortable for me to admit that I sometimes act the same way.

Sunnyray — thanks for your comment. I find that one of the things that makes it worthwhile for me to keep in mind the question of whether I’m projecting my own feelings onto someone else, is the thrill of learning something new about myself.

Aug 16th, 2008
Susan Murphy

Your tip on “put yourself in their shoes” is a good one, but for me, not in the way you explain it.

For example, I dislike making cold calls to solicit business opportunities. But, it’s a necessary part of my business right now. I make up all kinds of stories in my head about how people will be unresponsive, negative, mean, or even laugh at me. Of course, I’m several phone calls in to my task, and none of this has happened yet.

When I sit back and say to myself, “What if *I* was the person receiving the call from me? How would *I* react to the opportunity that was being presented? Well, even if I knew it wasn’t a fit for my current situation, i most certainly wouldn’t be disrespectful or mean to the person on the other end of the phone. So what makes ME think that anyone really would be? And so what if they are?

Really, we waste so much time considering situations that never happen. Instead of just being present, picking up the phone and getting on with it.

Aug 17th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Susan — thanks for your comment. I agree that “just do it” can be an effective strategy for getting through situations that have us feel anxious, and I also think many of us have places where it doesn’t work for us. Some people I know, for instance, would be too terrified to even make a cold sales call (and some people have similar issues with intimate relationships, and so on). For these people it can be helpful to ask whether they’re really just projecting their own feelings onto the people they’re calling, and that can help them assess how realistic their concerns are.

But even in your case, where you initially had the sense that people would ignore or be mean to you when you cold called them, there’s some reason why you were expecting people to be that way. It sounds like a rich opportunity to learn more about how you may be perceiving the world and whether that perspective is serving you. For instance: even if you didn’t say something nasty to a cold-caller who wasn’t offering something you were interested in, would you feel angry and just not express it? For me, at least, the self-knowledge asking this kind of question can get me is priceless.

Best, Chris

Aug 17th, 2008
selfdiver

This article reminds me how often I am wondering how others would react to my words. Many times I prefer to say nothing and stay in polite silence or I just say something common but it is surely not what I intend to.

Thanks for the reminder!

“Not knowing” sometimes could be a blessing because you will not be aware of all the obstacles and you just take what you want. You don’t know about the traps along your way and just keep on moving. The skill that you should develop is how to react to the unknown. The only thing I could guess is “explore it”. But this seems to me like making another set of projections. I think projecting your thoughts to the surrounding world is a part of our nature. So I do not agree to let it fade away. The problem I think is how you handle this process. If you know that sometimes you won’t get the response you expect you should be prepared to overcome the initial confusion and to try another shot.

Last but not least I do really think that is very important to know or just try to know how others will react to your words. This shows that you are really interested in them and you are trying to understand them. And if your projection doesn’t match to what you get it will be a surprise. Is there anybody who doesn’t like to be surprised?

Aug 18th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Selfdiver — thanks for your comment. One way to think about the main idea of this article is that, although we can’t stop ourselves from having the thought that others feel the way we do, we can at least make ourselves aware that we have the tendency to make this assumption so we can consciously choose whether to rely on it in our interactions with people. If I find myself assuming that no one wants to talk to me, for instance, it’s useful for me to be aware that I may be assuming this based on my own shyness or reticence rather than everybody else’s. — Best, Chris

Aug 18th, 2008
selfdiver

Hi Chris. Thanks for your feedback! It seems to me that the most useful line of your article is how to use your projections in order to know yourself better and be more successful in life.

Best,
Selfdiver

Aug 18th, 2008
Tom

Some excellent points.

I used to have all kinds of trouble approaching “strangers” when I started in sales because I was so nervous around people and rather introverted. I just assumed that everyone was like that, too.

I really fought through it…but found that most people are quite friendly and actually enjoy being chatted with. Oddly enough, I eventually came to like it too.

Aug 20th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Tom — thanks for your comment. It’s always incredible to me how much our lives can change if we start to trust, even a little bit, that the world can be a benevolent place. — In gratitude, Chris

Aug 21st, 2008
Clyde Dennis

I really enjoyed this one as well. What we project outwardly comes right down to the level confidence we feel inside, No?

Sep 7th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Clyde — thanks for your comment. It never ceases to surprise me how much my relationship with the world, and the way I perceive it, depends on my relationship with myself. — Best, Chris

Sep 7th, 2008
Razvan Dobre

Thank you, Chris, for helping us project better things in our lives! I hope we remember to do this on a regular basis. Wouldn’t that make a wonderful change in our lives?

I embrace you,
Razvan Dobre

Sep 8th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Thanks for your comment Razvan. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. — Best, Chris

Sep 9th, 2008
jquaglia

Great post Chris. I really enjoyed this as I have noticed this quality in myself but had yet to hear a psychological explanation. I actually even wrote a post about it as a reason not to gossip. If you gossip, you assume that others are gossiping about you.

http://jquaglia.blogspot.com/2.....ry-of.html

Sep 16th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi JQuaglia — thanks for your comment. It’s always remarkable to me how often we assume others share our habits, beliefs, prejudices and so on. I’m glad you found the article useful. — Best, Chris

Sep 16th, 2008
Mark

Chris,

I enjoyed your article and perspective. As I reflect on your words it reminds me of an important verse and teaching from the Bible out of Matthew 7:3-5

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

Best regards!

Sep 17th, 2008
Anonymous

I think your point about getting comfortable about not knowing is a good point.

I guess all of us have to let go a bit or else there will be constant tension in our life.

Sep 18th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Mark — thanks for your comment. It’s always remarkable to me that spiritual teachers such as Jesus and the authors of the Bhagavad Gita recognized concepts such as projection thousands of years before modern psychology.

Hi Anonymous — thanks for your comment — I’ve certainly found that letting go of my need to know what everyone else is thinking has been pretty relaxing and liberating.

Sep 18th, 2008
nasirjumani

I have visited your site first time….and after seeing the professionalism of your writing….I could not resist and bookmarked urban monk…it will be nice to visit your blog again!

Sep 30th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Nasirjumani — thanks for your kind words. Just to be clear, my site is actually http://www.purposepowercoaching.com — this is one of my guest posts. But I definitely support bookmarking Urban Monk — I know I have. Best, Chris

Sep 30th, 2008
Chris Hutcherson

Thanks for your post. The first part of the article reminded me of myself and my own projections of what I think will be “ok” for certain social situations.
I am attending a party today and intend to do a little promotion there - within reason.
thanks.

Oct 4th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Thanks Chris. It’s always incredible to me how what we think are the set-in-stone social rules are usually just our own unconscious (often limiting) beliefs. I hope the party went well! — Best, Chris

Oct 5th, 2008
Sinn

Great and really inspirative article which always give me some tihnging about reading this stuff.
I think this is one of those things where we go to endless loops in our head and need to stop this acelerative machine called our head and think for a sec or two whats really goin on take a deeper look what is really goin on and reasons for that.

Oct 26th, 2008
Chris Edgar

Hi Sinn — thanks for your comment. I agree that when we learn to interact with the person who’s actually in front of us, rather than our mental image of who they are and what they think, our relationships become more fulfilling. Best, Chris

Oct 28th, 2008

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