The Key To Behavioural Mastery: Letting Go
In the months past, we’ve discussed how our attachments, our desires, are the root of much of our painful habits.
But what do we do, then? What if the usual methods of handling our behaviours are making them worse? This article details some of these errors, and provides a long-term solution, the most useful I have come across: simply dropping the rubbish.
This article builds heavily on ideas covered in the first two posts – Part One, and Part Two.
Denial and Suppression
The first thing to know is that we cannot deny our desires, pretend they don’t exist, push them down. Repressed cravings, like emotions, will simply resurface in the future with greater intensity, in a different form, or create psychological and physical symptoms.
A good friend of mine used to overeat compulsively, and one day decided to stop using sheer will-power. Soon afterwards, she began smoking heavily, but she justified it by saying it helped her lose weight. When she decided to stop that, again using will-power, she started drinking almost nightly.
Why was this so? She had changed her external behaviours over the years, but the driving forces inside her remained the same. She was shocked when she begun to practise awareness, she told me – for she discovered the triggers for all these behaviours stemmed from the same insecurities and fears.
Many of the ways we handle our desires and attachments are helpful, but are merely temporary measures. I am not saying that channelling your energy into other outlets, or quitting a bad behaviour through force of will is wrong, if they work for you – but they are not permanent solutions.
Further, these techniques create more inner conflict. The craving itself is causing us pain. We are adding to it every time we fight it; force it down; beating ourselves up or feeling guilty about indulging.
Please note that this article has a general behavioural focus; I am not an expert on addiction. The addictions I have quit, and therefore discuss here, are fairly minor – cigarettes, painful mental habits (rumination), and various other unhealthy lifestyle choices. So if you are dealing with a serious addiction, this is not a replacement for whatever program you are on, but something that can be attempted in conjunction.
Based on my research and discussions with others, the principles are the same, regardless of the habit or behaviour you want to change.
Bringing Awareness To Your Behaviours
What then, can we do? In my experience, the best practice is to let go of all your painful attachments, behaviours, habits, and tendencies.
To do so, we first need awareness, mindfulness. The first post of this series contains a section on analysing your negative habits. This step alone will raise your awareness of how it manifests in your life, the possible root causes and insecurities. This is a tremendous step, so please take the time to try it.
The mind will often fight this exercise. This is the cutting to the core of our suffering – and we will do anything to avoid looking at parts of ourselves we do not want to see. The mind screams, fights, tricks, deceives – anything to get us to avoid the pain. Some people even begin to feel dizzy or bored.
Lorne Ladner, in The Lost Art of Compassion 
Analyse your behaviours –
- What were you feeling at the time?
- Does it come when you are stressed or angry?
- When you are reminded of something in your past?
- When you are feeling lonely, unloved, insecure about something?
- Does it come during a specific time in the day?
- Is it associated with other feelings?
- What were some of the triggers?
I first started smoking a while ago, for instance, when I felt lonely. It was after a break-up, and whenever I felt insecure about my attractiveness, or saw other happy couples, I would run and hide behind a cigarette.
Awareness In The Moment
With this background work, it is easier to bring awareness to your actions in the moment. Be mindful of what you are feeling; try to catch yourself when the triggers present themselves. Thich Nhat Hanh
Sometimes you’ll only realise what you’ve done when it is over. Don’t make a problem out of it. Slowly, you’ll catch yourself sooner and sooner in the habitual cycle. In time, you’ll be able to stop yourself before the behaviour even starts.
Awareness and the habit energies that drive us are so broadly applicable that they can be applied to almost anything. I’ve found people tend to be “locked in” by my examples, so I’ll select from several different examples – some successful, some not – in the hopes it can stimulate your own explorations.
Anger Habits
The first example would be my anger habits. A few weeks ago I had a big online argument with a close friend. I have not had reason to be so angry for a long time, and as a result I was not actively watching out for habit energies in that area. In addition, much of my habits around anger have been let go of, and I thought I was done with it. I did not realise some old and stubborn habits had remained hidden inside me.
My friend managed to press just the right buttons, and in that moment I was overwhelmed and piled on him several abusive and foul-mouthed messages.
As the days passed, my thoughts would flash back to the argument, and as the anger arose again, I felt the urge to contact him again to start another fight. Sometimes the habits got too strong, but with awareness, I dropped many of these urges before I acted on them.
Mental Habits
Another area we can apply this to would be our mental life. When I began personal development, I used to have a strong tendency to drift off into painful memories, replaying them endlessly in my head. Often I would suddenly look at the clock and realise I had spent the past two hours reliving an old insult, fantasising about revenge. Over the months that followed, I began to “snap out” of the reverie sooner. In time I managed to bring awareness to the triggers that would start such self-pity sessions, and have stopped them altogether.
Social Behaviour
The last example would be in the social world. I used to indulge in approval seeking behaviour – trying to manipulate people into liking me by smiling too much, showing too much false interest, or exaggerating accomplishments. It was a deeply ingrained habit, based on the false belief that I was not likeable simply for whom I was.
This habit was a bit more complex simply because of the countless ways my insecurity showed up; but it is useful to note that we do not have to be aware of them all. Start with a few – excessive smiling, boasting – and you’ll find the others much easier.
Again, be gentle with yourself. While some people can make tremendous progress in days or weeks, it would be more realistic to measure your progress in months.
The Growing Awareness
Some people spontaneously drop their habit energies when they become aware of it. But don’t make it a problem if you don’t – simply stop and take a few deep breaths when the habits arise.
By doing so, you are interrupting the loop, and being mindful of what it is. Thich Nhat Hanh puts it simply – smile internally. Hello, habit energy. And let it pass through.
In doing so, we disconnect with our compulsions –
“I have to make this person love me” becomes “This is my tendency to supplicate.”
“I WANT TO KILL HIM!” becomes “Hello, anger energy.”
“I need to smoke!” becomes “My insecurities have been brought up again.”
How much freedom comes from that one shift!
Letting Go
If we see our habits and compulsions are simply energy, perhaps blocks of thoughts and feelings – we can simply let them pass through us.
What are you thinking now? What were you thinking five minutes ago? Where did they go, where did they come from? Thoughts and feelings simply come and go, and that is what they are supposed to do.
Our minds have been wrongly habituated to hold on to certain thoughts and feelings, when the natural, healthy, response is to simply let them through. And so freedom comes in retraining our minds, to go back to what they are supposed to do: let go.
How Do We Let Go?
So how do we release? First, feel these energies completely without repressing them. Say hello to them; let them be there for a few seconds. In the first two posts, we have seen that these habits, cravings, and attachments merely cause our suffering. They don’t satisfy us for long; at best, they are a temporary relief. And finally, we’ve discussed that we can still enjoy what we have, in fact enjoy them even more, without the associated cravings.
With that in mind, simply try dropping it. This can be a difficult process to learn, because most of us have never tried it before. The first time you do it, you probably won’t get it right. Drop it, in the same way that we loosen our grip on a pencil and simply let it fall to the floor. Relax, soften up internally and physically, and let it go.
If you are having troubles with this, a technique from NLP might help. What is your strongest sense? If you prefer seeing, try to picture your habit energy. What colour is it? What does it look like? Does it have a shape, a picture?
If you prefer, try hearing it. What does it sound like? Is it a voice? What is the tone? Is it a sound? An animal?
Or you can feel it – is it a tightness in your chest, a heat in your neck, or any other sensation?
Then whatever it is, try dropping that. Don’t get too caught up in these imaginings, they are training wheels, meant to be discarded at the right time.
Miracles May Happen, But Don’t Expect Too Much
If you do let go of the desire, you probably won’t get any fireworks or excitement. You won’t feel any deflation or anything negative either. You just feel the urge has lessened, or that you feel satisfied and relaxed without having indulged in it.
The first time I heard about letting go was from a Buddhist teacher I met a long time ago. I tried it for a day or two, didn’t feel any different, and simply gave up on it. This is a common mistake – while some people can drop it all immediately, many cannot. The habits are so strong, have been there for so long, that we are dropping bits and pieces of it.
The desire might return in the future, and it might feel just as intense, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It just means that you haven’t dropped enough to see a significant difference. This is especially true when we are learning how to do it. Dropping becomes faster and easier the more we practice, so please don’t get discouraged.
Further, realise that these desires are surface expressions of something far deeper, something that has possibly been there for decades. It doesn’t always go away in a few days.
If you are still having troubles, I recommend The Sedona Method
There is a page on their website which provides a sample of their approach and the basic releasing questions, which invites you to let go. That page is more focused on emotions, but the principles are the same.
In the book and the audio course, they trace all tendencies and emotions back to the roots: the four basic wants. Wanting control, approval, security, and separation are the master programs the Method claims underlie all our tendencies, and I have found it tremendously helpful to let go of those directly.
What’s Next?
As we’ve discussed, our habits are often a surface symptom of deeper thoughts and beliefs. Future posts will go into mindfulness in more detail, as well as challenging our stressful thoughts and beliefs. I will also detail other measures that are more temporary in nature, but helpful if used in conjunction with letting go.
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33 Comments , Comment or Ping
Evelyn Lim
I totally agree with the idea that we should not sweep our anger, grievances or negative emotions under the carpet, and pretend that all is well. Suppression can cause them to stack up until one fine day, when they finally explode!
In awareness, it also means that we do not judge ourselves or others. But to just note the negative emotions and let go. Using proven techniques such as EFT or The Sedona Method can expedite the emotional healing process!
Aug 24th, 2008
Jarrod - Warrior Development
I have a couple of comments from my own experience.
When I analyse behaviour in retrospective exercises I do not ask any mental question. I simply re-imagine the situation and watch my internals, to see what was going on inside me. If you can feel the key sensation that was inside you then the mind/emotion will start running deeper and deeper into the darker issues. The questioning is done with conscious attention/intention, not mental questioning.
With letting go of thoughts/emotions I have a first step which I have firmly ingrained. The understanding is that all the thoughts/emotions that pop up inside me are not ME.
Unless I can separate myself from them than I cannot let them go. Because ME cannot let go of ME. I can only let go of things that are separate to me. I am another element beyond thoughts/emotions.
To really get the most from these exercises I would recommend practicing them as much as possible, aiming for 24/7. If you get a headache from trying to be aware then you are trying to mentally force it rather than natural watch. Try it for 9 weeks.
Sorry if I put to much of my own ideas in there
Aug 25th, 2008
Andrea Hess|Empowered Soul
Excellent article, Albert!
I think lots of us avoid mindfulness because, at first glance, giving our awareness to negative emotions and habits might make them more powerful. Mentally and emotionally, we try to run away rather than staying with what is.
Of course, in the actual experience, negative emotion loses its energy when we sit with it and ourselves while practicing acceptance and non-judgment. I think this is being compassionate with ourselves - to be able to look at our negative stuff and just be with it without engaging in the game of self-criticism.
Blessings,
Andrea
Aug 25th, 2008
New Age Bitch
The other side of this is a simple word: control.
I’ve been in 10 day retreats, meditation nights, mindful walking, therapy, all that. And in most of the groups I’ve seen, control is a huge, unspoken part of it. Just fix all those ‘bad’ parts of you via mindfulness until you’re enlightened!
Hey, my thought is: if you have anger, just BE ANGRY. A lot of the hurtful stuff happens because it’s controlled, bottled up, and then explodes. Awareness is much more powerful when complete freedom is part of it - and this means going beyond thought, control, wishing to be ‘better’ in any way and all that shit.
Big news for everyone: there’s nothing bad within any of us except what thinking makes so. Hope you’ve read Hamlet too.
Aug 25th, 2008
Pat R
Just becoming aware of the triggers and what comes after it is big for me. Also, learning not to go into auto response.
I like what Andrea said about taking the time to sit with it without judgment.
Aug 25th, 2008
CarolynB
Hey, New Age Bitch, I like you! A lot!
Here’s another fave from the big H: “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
Nice to have you back posting, Albert! It’s actually kind of encouraging to know that you still lose it and cuss people out sometimes.
Aug 25th, 2008
Albert
Thank you everyone, as usual there’s plenty of great insights in the comments. I always say that the value of the blog lies in the comments.
@ Evelyn: Definitely right! Come to think of it I should try EFT again. It was one of the things I did for a few days and gave up because nothing happened, heh.
@ Jarrod: Not a problem man, you’re more than welcome to write whatever you want! 24/7 is a big goal, something I’m aiming for as well. Tremendously powerful stuff, if you can get there.
@ Andrea: As you say, not judging it is a big part of it. I’ve found New Age Bitch’s (below) experience to be true for myself as well. I try not to judge, for example my recent anger thing, but there’s still an unspoken self-judgement after the act. So not judging is something I’m processing right now.
@ NAB: Great stuff! A few weeks ago I would have disagreed, but as I replied to Andrea, I’m starting to see how it’s true. Actually living non-judgement is something I’m still practicing though.
@Pat: Definitely, takes a while for many things, but well worth the effort
@Carolyn: Heya! Oh when I cuss, I cuss!
I’ll detail this in a later post, but part of what I discovered after doing some work on this argument was that I was torn in 2. A part of me is disgusted by my F-bombs, a part of me enjoys it. I refused to acknowledge that I enjoyed it, hence I was stuck and unable to move on. I did some coaching with Tom Stine and he really opened my eyes.
Aug 25th, 2008
Tom Stine | Life Coach for Spiritual People
nice post, albert. You really do get releasing!
Aug 26th, 2008
Talk Rehab
Wow, this is an excellent article. You’ve really covered it all, especially the Denial and Supression part - very few of us are willing to admit it. I’m going to have to read the other posts now in this series
Aug 26th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Tom and Talk Rehab!
Aug 26th, 2008
Sunnyray
I agree that the awareness is the key. Our awareness in never big enough, it can always expand more, and to the higher levels of consciousness. As we expand our awareness, we change our perspective and the old habits and unwanted behavior will diminish in a natural way and without too much struggle.
Aug 26th, 2008
Stephen Hopson
You brought up several great points but I think the two most important and determining factors are “letting go” and “become more aware.”
the first step in changing anything about ourselves is by acknowleging the behaviors we want to change, which means becoming aware of them. Simply increasing our awareness is the first step, I think, towards a turnaround.
And the other thing is “letting go.” I’ll speak for myself when I say this but because I can’t hear, I tend to want to control things to “make up for the lack of hearing.” That leads me to wanting things happening faster (i.e. lose weight, increase financial abundance, etc). But ironically enough, when we truly surrender (not give up) and let go, it magically opens the way for whatever change or improvement we want to bring about.
Those are the two pretty powerful tips I got from this. Nice article.
Aug 27th, 2008
Albert
Thank you Sunny and Stephen, look forward to the next part of this, which will detail a different approach to letting go!
Aug 27th, 2008
stephanie
Great Article! I really impressed by the information and the tips provided in the above article on Behavioural Mastery, This article will help many people and gives the knowledge about how to behave ourselves.
Aug 27th, 2008
Jeff
Your articles are blowing my mind Albert. Thank you so much!
Aug 28th, 2008
Albert
Thank you very much Stephanie and Jeff! Much appreciated!
Aug 28th, 2008
Free Charity
Great article! I lived at a Thai Wat (temple) for one month and it really gave me a good chance to learn to let go of all the things around me. Suddenly the world outside of the temple vanished and seemed less important. I could focus on just myself and my feelings. Unfortunately continuing this once returning to the real world proved to be really difficult.
Aug 30th, 2008
EMotivate
I also immediatly thought about the Sedona Method when I read this post (which is mentioned at the bottom). I do agree that the marketing can be a little rough…but I suppose that one should concede that you really do have to market that way to get anywhere. There methods aren’t really any different than other improvement courses.
I do highly recommend the book. You can pick it up on amazon.com and avoid the market if you find that unpleasent. That is how I was introduced to the method. I use it frequently and have found it to be a huge boon. Situations that used to get me all worked up and agitated no longer have that effect.
Aug 30th, 2008
Albert
@ Free Charity: Hah, I know what you mean. It’s actually a good thing, though - the world gives you more to let go of. You think you’ve made it, then something happens and you realise you haven’t, but that’s just another pointer to where to go.
@ Emotivate: I agree. I actually think the marketing is quite tastefully done compared to some of the other books / courses I have read. I actually like their method much more than other improvement courses, which actually layer good stuff on top of bad stuff. I was also introduced to the method with the book, but soon moved on to the audio course. It really is a notch above the book if you want to take it to the next level.
Thanks a lot for your comments!
Aug 30th, 2008
Steven
Letting go is not easy sounding, but some funny simple methods exist. Like shaking your head, softly, no.
I like the article. I expected some action, though. Letting go in the article implies, both by process and content, letting go of expectations and ideas and thinking. That certainly affects behavior, but action does too.
Action is behavioral, and movement also affects thought I think.
Aug 31st, 2008
Albert
Steven, fantastic question! Thank you for raising it. I’m going to follow up on this with an article (after another one on a different aspect of letting go, I think).
But in brief - while I am not sure about the movement you are talking about and never tried it - and I am sure it will work, if you would care to elaborate on it some more?
In my experience the traditional ways of trying to change behaviours with other behaviours doesn’t fix the root problem, and is another form of repression - like my friend who quit smoking through sheer willpower, for example. I’ll detail this a bit more in the post, for there is too much to go into here, but again - fantastic question. Would love to discuss this if you are free.
Aug 31st, 2008
Yvonne
Albert, I totally agree with what you say about trying to change behaviours with other behaviours not working, and I agree that trying to stop them by willpower - which is after all just repression - doesn’t work. What I’ve noticed is that there are many different paths to experiencing wholeness and the ones that work have in common that they encourage acceptance of so-called negative thoughts or feelings. I was inspired by your recommendation to buy The Sedona Method and was struck by that first question, “Could I welcome this feeling?” This is, in essence, the same as welcoming thoughts up for questioning in The Work, or feelings in The Journey.
For me, healing comes with forgiving, and allowing or welcoming our thoughts, feelings or desires is after all an act of self-forgiveness.
Sep 4th, 2008
Albert
Hey Yvonne
Let me know how you go with the Method. I was introduced to it by someone who told the emotional mastery meditation I keep harping on reminds him of the Method. It really does supercharge everything, especially when you get to the wants. I love the Work too, it’s really good for getting to those sticking points that the Method might not emphasise so much. Played around with the Journey, seems like the Method is a bit more direct and more powerful, although like you said they are based on the same principles.
Sep 4th, 2008
graham
You’ve covered so much here, in such a short space.
Great work. And thanks!
Sep 6th, 2008
Albert
Thanks Graham!
Sep 6th, 2008
Sohbet
graham is right
Sep 7th, 2008
Albert
Heheh, and thank you to you too
Sep 7th, 2008
Razvan Dobre
I liked the article, but I think you can make an update to it, Albert, and really digg in a little bit more and share more of what you had to go through and exactly how you let go. More details will make this post even better. Hope this helps.
I embrace you,
Razvan Dobre
Sep 8th, 2008
Albert
Thanks Razvan, I agree with you. I do have a bit more info on letting go but the article was getting way too long
It’ll be up soon in this series. Thanks again.
Sep 8th, 2008
Mike Huang
Interesting post, great read of the day I might say. Keep up the good work!
-Mike
Sep 11th, 2008
Albert
Hey Mike, I’m grateful for your kind words!
Sep 11th, 2008
London Girl
I’ve been always letting go everything in my life - worries, fears, regrets… But one thing I could never let go are my dreams.
Sep 27th, 2008
BonSott
I ve read something similar in the book called The power of now.
Love those self orientated topics, there is so much to learn and uncover once when you began to practice it.
THx for the article.
Oct 30th, 2008
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