Okay, I know. The past few posts might be less popular than usual. The comments have been kind of quiet 
.
The focus of the recent posts have been on “going deeper”, in finding the core beliefs and faulty conclusions that underlie our painful emotions and self-defeating behaviours. Future posts will continue these investigations. This is very different from the typical personal development material available, and many readers might avoid this series, for it involves too much soul-searching, or too much work.
This post is slightly different – it provides some background, supporting arguments and pitfalls for the current series. Please read on, for it might be the tipping point for you to make some serious changes in your life.
Serious change requires serious work. I feel I can’t compromise this series, even though there is a risk of losing subscribers and traffic. There has been an influx of new readers from Guy Kawasaki’s blog (thanks Guy!), and articles of this sort might turn them off.
If this article doesn’t turn you to my point of view, please stick around anyway, as I will be mixing in guest posts and lighter posts to keep things lively.
It is normal that deeper personal growth turns many readers off. I understand perfectly, for I was like that for a long time. I simply refused to go deeper, and instead decided to stick with the superficial stuff. This kept me treading water, making some great changes, but I reached a point where I was completely stuck. For months nothing happened – but when I finally started this deeper work, everything began to fall into place. It was a domino effect – other self-defeating habits, addictions, and negative emotions fell away on their own.
In Feeling Good
Burns warns that while it is a major milestone to be out of suffering, the causes of one’s unskilful behaviour and sadness are often still there. This has been true in my experience – unless the causes are dealt with, there is a high risk of relapse.
A minor example: Jessica silently believes that if someone she loves rejects her, it must mean she is unlovable. This core belief is subconscious, so she doesn’t know why she is crushed when Raymond breaks up with her. After a while, she begins to feel better about Raymond. Then she meets another man, but he is not interested in her romantically. Unless she has dealt with the core belief, she will be crushed yet again.
Burns further makes a distinction between feeling better and getting better. Feeling better simply means the suffering has temporarily disappeared. Getting better means:
That was the focus of the previous post in this series: Finding and Challenging the Causes. It dealt with finding the faulty conclusions and core beliefs that were underneath our surface unhappiness and behaviours.
True recovery and real change, I believe, needs work on such deeper issues.
So why is there so much resistance to this kind of work? The first, of course, is that it seems like too much work.
There is no way around it. This stuff can be time-consuming. At the end of a long day, we would much rather kick back and enjoy some well-deserved rest instead of taking out pen and paper.
However, please keep a few things in mind:
The second reason: the fears involved in self-analysis. Self-Defeating Behaviours
There are too many examples of this. I used to have major anger issues – screaming and shouting, and doing whatever I could to verbally “get back” at someone who hurt me was my specialty. There was a strong aversion to sitting down and looking at this tendency – for I was afraid of what I might find. What if underneath everything, I was just a sad, angry, weak and pathetic little man? And because I refused to look at it, this tendency continued. Wasn’t this the most terrible cycle? It kept me in a vicious loop.
Another example might be someone who denies his sexuality. He might be afraid that if he acknowledges and examines his sexuality, he will be overcome by his appetites, and turn into a pervert. Another might be a doormat – exceedingly nice and sweet to others, afraid to assert herself. She might be afraid to find that deep down inside, she is actually a pushy, hateful, and self-centred person.
In my experience, without facing these fears, we cannot grow. Please take a moment to look into your own situation – what are you afraid of? What do you think you are avoiding by continuing to behave in ways that hurt you?
When you find these fears – and you will find they are numerous, if you are open to the process – you can use the techniques detailed in the series so far on them. The first is letting go of your fears; the second is challenging them with CBT. Upcoming posts will also detail inquiring into them, and owning them.
There were some great comments at the end of the post on Finding and Challenging the Causes. They revolved around the common pitfalls of doing such work.
The first to look out for is blame and hiding. After self-analysis, one might simply feel satisfied and leave it at that, without then doing the work required. The fruits of self-understanding then become a reason to continue their destructive emotions and behaviours.
For instance, when I was depressed a few years ago, I thought there was something wrong with me. Why was I getting so upset over things that wouldn’t bother other people? One day I read The Highly Sensitive Person
However, I have recommended the book to a few of my friends, and some have begun to use this label as a hide-behind. “You can’t blame me for doing this and that,” they say. “I’m a highly sensitive person!” And so they use it as a means of escaping from their problems, of justifying their pain.
This tendency can apply to almost everything. “I am an alcoholic because this and that happened in my childhood” becomes an escape and a reason to continue drinking, rather than a starting point for healing and understanding.
While this blog has never delved into labels and professional diagnoses, there is still the possibility that readers begin labelling themselves based on what they’ve read elsewhere.
When you are looking at yourself, it is hard to be objective. This creates a tendency to exaggerate, or to begin seeing connections and core beliefs that are simply not there.
Medical and psychological students are often warned of medical student’s syndrome – sometimes known as “disease of the week”. Whatever disorder we happen to be studying, we start thinking we have!
(At this point, a practicality: if you truly feel you suffer from a mental disorder, please visit a mental health professional – in general, disorders cannot be fixed by reading up on the internet. There is no shame whatsoever in seeking help.)
Another disadvantage of labelling and misdiagnosis is the self-fulfilling prophecy. It is possible (although unlikely) to label a healthy person as depressed, and after a period of time, have them start behaving that way!
Further, labels are sticky. It becomes hard, both for the individual and those around them, to shake off the label even after they have recovered. And this leads them right back into the self-fulfilling prophecy. Professionals avoid labelling clients. They might prefer to say “an individual with depression”, rather than “a depressed person”, for example. It might feel like wordplay, but labelling can be an obstacle to recovery.
The last disadvantage of self-analysis is called the illusion of explanation. Think about it.
“Kate’s a pyromaniac.”
Why?
“She likes setting fires to things.”
Why does she do that?
“Isn’t it obvious? She’s a pyromaniac!”
Have any of these ever happened to you?
So there you have it, the ups and downs of deeper work. I hope this has convinced a few more readers to take on such self-exploration, and also highlighted some of the obstacles along the way. Please let me know what you think!
The first blog I would like to highlight is Davidya’s blog, In 2 Deep. It goes deeper into the spiritual side of things, which might be too esoteric for some readers, but if you are interested in such stuff, it is truly one of the best blogs I’ve seen.
The second link love comes as a big thank you to New Age Bitch, who was the inspiration for the second half of this post. Her blog is one of the funniest and most insightful blogs I have read in a while. Well worth a visit.
Last but not least is SunnyRay, who also provided feedback on the pitfalls. Unfortunately the website is in a language I don’t understand, so I can’t comment on it, but a link as a “thank you”.
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28 Comments
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I enjoy deeper posts – there are many surface level blogs with quick answers to common, more easily accessible paths to self improvement, but I enjoy delving into root causes and more philosophical discussions as well.
The example of medical students and the “disease of the week” is applicable in many other obvious areas as well – for example, seeing any solution as a silver bullet to the self development and/or productivity issues we are facing, rather than owning up to the fact that it really is hard work: and that deeper change requires a longer term commitment than taste testing for a week the flavor du jour of self development.
Heya Sid – you’re fast! Thank you for the vote. Yes, so many of us are looking for that silver bullet until we realise that one doesn’t exist. Definitely I was in that position for a long time. I think it’s similar to the whole “weight loss in a magic pill” thing that many are still searching for, heh. Start running and eat less! – That’s the only way haha!
Sorry it’s been a while Albert, but I’m back!
This was a GREAT post. When you think about it, there are no negative sides about growing and challenging yourself. Because the negative things are really what makes the positive one’s – and the other way around.
That was a little confusing, but my point is just that we should never stop growing and evolving. Neither should we ever stop challenging ourselfs.
Your blog has grown to be one of the really best blogs on self-improvement, and I am proud to have seen it “come to life” over the last couple of months.
See you around!
Alex
Please continue this theme of posts! It is some of the best stuff I have read on this site – and some of the best I have read recently on the internet generally. I think you will find that many people may find it a tad squirmy/uncomfortable to be confronted with some of this stuff but it is nevertheless compulsive reading. And, more to the point, not just reading. I have read and re read it a number of times and it keeps resonating. Some of us really need this sort of “cattleprod” writing to get us thinking and reflecting beyond the superficial. I know I certainly do!
Well done on an excellent series.
@ Alex: That’s really high praise mate, thank you so much for that.
@ Lil: Just like Alex, you’re making me blush. Hehe. Thank you for the support, it really lets me know that I’m doing the right thing despite the relative lack of comments in the past few posts. I’ve definitely got a few more deeper posts coming up, and I feel much better about having (half) written them already.
Hey Albert,
I just want to throw in my support for these types of postings. I have been doing this work with Carolyn Myss’ Entering The Castle, and your current series. The work is sometimes uncomfortable but the peace that comes as a result of the healing is so worth it. And the reptiles we encounter are seldom as bad as our worst fears.
It is important to go deeper to avoid relapsing. I am still working on this myself, as it is very easy to meditate etc and then feel better, and “pull your head in” for a while but not so easy to actually get to the deep cause of the problem. I’s a bit like mowing over a weed, you need to pull the root our if you don’t want to see that little sucker pop up again!
Albert,
I want to thank you for these posts…for paving the way, so to speak. I read, then mull it over a bit, then journal and mull another bit, then to another round of reading, etc.
Then I go sit in my garden and listen to the water trickle in the fountain, watch the birds and squirrels, pull some weeds and water the flowers. Mull it over a bit and then fertilize , and watch the clouds.
I know that doesn’t sound like much progress, but the water in the pond is a bit clearer and I can see farther down into the depths to see the details on the koi as they swim.
It is healing work, and like a carving, one must chip away at it for a while before progress is seen and an object takes shape.
I may not always get around to commenting, but I am reading and working on it and I just want to say – Keep it coming! I need this structure to lean on and the rails to keep me on the path.
Keep up the deeper stuff Albert. After a while it takes the deeper stuff to be sustaining (though with the rate of the expansion of the blogosphere there are always lots of new readers coming along, which means that for a while yet the simple and easy are going to be popular).
Labels can be good too. Positive affirmations are labels in a way. You look in the mirror, and say: I am well, healthy and happy! And if they can be self-fulfilling, that’s great! To truly heal, I find solitude to be the best balm of all. Escapism? Maybe. But sometimes we need to escape from all the past hurts and pains to find our center again. Cheers! Thanks for a wonderful piece.
Thanks everyone for the support. Hah, I hope I didn’t come across as whining, I just wanted to convince people to take on a little bit of deeper work
@ David: Her book sounds very interesting, I was on Amazon reading the reviews and might pick up a copy.
@ Seamus: Damn right
@ Diane: Good to hear from you. The way you do it sounds just about right.
@ Evan: Thanks mate. I do believe it’s a matter of striking a balance, don’t want to be too niche-y.
@ Min: Yes — Solitude is one of the best presents we can give ourselves, definitely agreed. The stuff that comes to the surface when we have nothing to distract us, wow!
Thanks again everyone for the support.
Nice look.I like it.Great contents
I wouldn’t worry too much about losing some readers as you can gain many new ones from posts like these. Excellent topic!
It is indeed true that in life human beings, especially those that follow the masses shy away from challenges, changes or any deeper growth. And yet when we look at how they live, there is no surprise that most of them are nowhere near living the lives of their dreams.
To really go beyond in life and live with purpose and passion we truly have to do some deeper soul searching and really get honest and conscious about who we are – not job titles and statuses but what our true nature is and through posts like these, you help people realize just that.
Keep up the great work.
HSPs unite!
Keep up the good work, AF.
lf need be I can pull together a salacious expose of the Olathe Corn Festival to lighten things up a bit.
Wonderful post and wonderful to have someone to tell what it takes.
Too often we are rushing to an end goal and forgetting to pace ourselves along the journey and then we wonder why we are too this or too that to enjoy the so callled succes we achieved.
@ Pier: Thank you!
@ Evita: That is very high praise, I really appreciate it. Love your blog by the way, spent quite a bit of time procrastinating on it last night
@ Carolyn: Heya! That sounds like a good idea actually heh heh heh!
@ Wilma: Well put
Thank you very much for the vote.
Ah, I really liked the self-analysis illusion of explanation. I see that so much, even in my own life. A few months ago I was asked why I focus almost radically on maintaining two or three long-term projects, even though I’m still a freshman in college. My answer was, “Well because I focus on projects.”
Lots of food for thought, Albert. Many thanks.
@ Shaun: Are you labelling yourself? Hehehehehe. Just joking with you
this is brilliant.
It really gives something to think about.
I love posts that are deep and mean something.
Cheers,
Lily
Thanks Lily
Albert, It is not the DEEP that has me at a quandry. It is that thinking about what You have to say keeps my mind busy on things other than comments to others……Blessings!!
Heh, thank you so much Victoria.
Oh, and Albert, please write more posts like this! It’s soo refreshing to read a blog that actually makes one pause and think about the content for a while. This post actually caused me to go on a “think walk” while I mulled over the content. ::grins::
Hi Albert
Thanks for the link and recommendation. Going deeper does indeed reduce feedback but I do have readers tell me they value it nonetheless. It’s a remarkable journey we’re on. When someone gets to a place where they need that sense of direction or confirmation, they will find such articles very valuable.
You have a great resource here. Keep it up!
Hey Davidya, it’s my pleasure to share your blog. I lost quite a bit of time there and wanted to spread that
I love your statement, “Serious change requires serious work.” I also like what you have to say about misdiagnosis. Not only do people read articles online and misdiagnose themselves, they can pay a fortune to a psychiatrist who will do it for them. Then prescribe them a pill to fix it.
I wish more people understood and fully appreciated the message you are trying to convey. To truly change the patterns in your life requires a lot of self examination, time, and very hard work. While some behaviors are biochemically affected and require medication, the vast majority are simply learned behaviors which require self examination. Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome” (or something to that effect). Having the same relationships, interacting with others in the same old ways, working at the same dead-end jobs can all be changed. But it begins inside, not out.
Thank you for a brave and profound article.
Kellen
Hey Kellen, thank you for that. I looked at your own blog, and noticed you were a certified mental health professional, which really means a lot to me. As you might know, I am studying to become a mental health professional myself, but I am not there yet, and most of my writings have been based on my own experiences – which means I sometimes wonder how the psychological community will view it. Your comment really reassures me that I am on the right path.
So thank you once again
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