The work involved in finding and challenging the causes of our self-defeating behaviours and negative emotions can take time. Sometimes, this is a luxury we do not have. Yet, what can we do when the habit arises?
This article presents a small selection of short-term techniques. I have to stress that they are best used with letting go as described in the rest of the series. If used just by themselves, some of these can lead to repression, and force underlying causes to express themselves in a different way.
You’ll also find that not all of these are applicable to all behaviours. Play around with them, and find out which works for you as an individual, and for your particular issue.
The first “technique” was actually covered in the first post, but was severely under-emphasised. In the Key to Behavioural Mastery, we discussed how simply being aware – mindful – of what is happening inside you is the first step to catching your habits as they arise. The more you do this, the earlier you will catch yourself in the cycle. And all we have to do then: Breathe.
Watch your breath, many teachers say. And what was so automatic, so unconscious, becomes a means for us to centre ourselves and regain control. It does not matter where in the habit cycle you are. Perhaps you caught yourself reaching for the bottle of whiskey. Maybe you’ve already drank your first glass. Maybe you’re already throwing up. It doesn’t matter. Just take a few breaths – and be as aware as you can of them.
Feel them. What does the air feel like as it enters your nostrils, your mouth? What does it feel like going down your airways into your lungs? Feel it, be aware of it – and you’ll find that your breathing gets naturally deeper. Just pause, and breathe for as long as you need. In doing so, you interrupt and weaken the mental-emotional patterns that underlie your behaviours, without the need to analyse them.
By itself, this was enough for me to stop many unwanted behaviours. Whenever I felt the habit energies arise, I would simply pause, and breathe mindfully until the urge went away.
The next technique to try would be to ask yourself: What do you think you would have after you’ve carried it out? Take a few moments and analyse the habit you are working on.
Sometimes, the answer would be something external – a relaxed body; respect from my peers; a happier household. Then ask yourself the same question again. What would I have when I have that? It might take several rounds of questioning, but you will find that you are ultimately looking for a feeling.
And isn’t that good news? Some things we can’t get – but a feeling, we always can. It might take some practice, but simply give yourself the feeling you are searching for.
If you are having difficulties with this, try to remember the last time you indulged, and how you felt afterwards. Try to hold that feeling, that memory in mind, and try to relive the feeling without indulging in the behaviour.
If you are still having troubles, an article on developing your visualisation can help.
This is a variation of the previous technique. Is there a healthier alternative? If you drink to de-stress after a long day of work, and would like to get sober, what other activities could you try? Make a list, and see which ones seem best. For example, it is often suggested for smokers to try chewing gum instead.
This technique sounds like common sense, and is standard advice for those quitting a bad behaviour, but when you consider that what you want is internal, your list of alternatives becomes a lot bigger.
For a slightly extreme example of this, a man might have a habit of shouting and punching walls in the false belief that it gained him the respect of others (perhaps mistaking fear for respect). Might he be better served by developing some assertiveness skills? Wouldn’t that be a far healthier way of reaching for what he wanted?
An interesting alternative behaviour is to journal – what were you feeling at the time? What are the advantages and disadvantages of your behaviour?
When you journal, you are no longer identifying with your habit. No longer does it control you, no longer is it you. Now you are looking at it like a scientist would, dispassionate and distinct, and that takes away the power it has. It will also help in analysing and finding the underlying causes, as discussed in the previous posts of the series.
Next, remind yourself that most of your behaviours are caused by underlying desires and attachments (Read Part 1, and Part 2 of the series). The behaviours do not satisfy these painful cravings for long – they are merely a temporary cover-up. Soon after you indulge, they will show up again.
So capture that – hold it in mind, as much as you can. Remember the last time you indulged, and how long the satisfaction lasted before the craving arose again. Remember how you felt when you realised the painful craving was still there, that it never left.
Also, is there a price you are paying? Did you alienate your loved ones, is your body suffering, did you spend too much money? All the temporary pleasure you gained is a memory, but the price you are paying is right now. And right now is all we could ever have. Memories are fragile, prone to disappearing, and – to be honest – are not worth much if we look at it. What price are you willing to pay for a memory?
I remember when I was depressed. Sometimes I would go out and spend all the money I had on alcohol and cigarettes. I would be driving home a few hours after, lungs hurting, head thumping, completely broke – and suddenly I would realise the pleasure I thought I had was just a memory. And to make it worse, I knew the next morning, all the same old anger and sadness would still be there.
Even worse were the behaviours which are not pleasurable at all. Throughout this series I have discussed my strong tendency to hold a grudge. Periodically the urge to contact the people I resent for another argument would arise. Sometimes I gave in. Did I feel good afterwards? No. Not only did I not feel a “release”, I would often feel guilty and even worse afterwards.
So keep this in mind, as much as you can. A section below will discuss affirmations and reminders.
This is a curious one. I’m not sure if it will work for you, but try it. The next time you are thirsty, instead of going to get a drink, pause. Examine closely the sensations you are feeling. Can you be absolutely sure that it is thirst you are feeling?
Is it possible it is just a sensation? You automatically label the sensation as thirst, and with that labelling comes the urge to drink some water. But what if it isn’t? What if it is just a sensation and you don’t have to do anything with it? Let the sensations be, and soon they will disappear.
Then carry this inquiry across to the habit energies around your particular behaviour.
Last, and definitely least, is old-fashioned will-power. Just say no. How you do this, specifically, differs according to the individual, so this article won’t go into detail. A reader, for example, said he simply shook his head every time he felt the urge.
Some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy books recommend wearing a rubber band around your wrist, and snapping it whenever you feel the craving arising. It’s mild punishment, and makes you associate pain with your behaviour instead of pleasure. I’ve played around with this before, but I stopped because it felt like fighting fire with fire, but I know a few people who have used it for a while and they love it.
Others like to use affirmations. Try creating an affirmation – not a fantastic, magical one, but a gentle reminder of your decision to stop, and of the consequences of your behaviour. Repeat it to yourself whenever you remember to. This works well with the material covered under the “Temporary Satisfaction” section above.
Sometimes little sticky notes left in visible places will help. For example, I used to smoke in the toilet. I would leave notes stuck to the mirrors reminding me of the painful lungs, of the financial cost, and so on.
Note that if you use any of these, it is also helpful to switch things around. We easily get desensitised to affirmations and printed reminders. We just don’t see them any more, even if they are right there in front of us. So change the wording in your affirmations and the location of your notes every few days to prevent familiarity blindness.
Further Reading:
Removing Negative Thoughts, Part One
Removing Negative Thoughts, Part Two
Removing Negative Thoughts, Part Three
As a side-note, does anyone know much about 12-step programs? What are your experiences with them? I have never been to one, and besides just quickly browsing through the internet, don’t know much about them. The steps seem sound, though. Many readers have told me there is much crossover between what I write about and the programs, so I would love to hear any experiences, opinions, and whether they work for you.
I don’t know what it does, but all my blogging friends have a FaceBook Blog Page so I thought I’d join the fun. If you are on FB, visit the page and show some love! 
I also have a normal facebook profile – feel free to add me if you want, but I don’t use it much.
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31 Comments
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Sounds great looking forward to it ! this is really nice mate! good job! Thanx!
Hi.
Was wondering how would the above work with another example for a bad habit, for example getting up really late in the morning , procrastination.
Thanks
@ Ryan: Cheers mate!
@ Uzma: Well some of these can’t work with getting up late, I guess. When you’re asleep you can’t be mindful!
I would say do some releasing work on it – what advantage is it to wake up late or procrastinate?
With procrastination – what are you hoping to get out of it? You can be mindful here. When you catch yourself watching TV instead of doing work, breathe until the urge is gone, and then start work! You can also catch yourself when you’re putting things off and simply set up reminders or affirmations. Where do you go when you procrastinate? Do you surf websites, for example? Block those. Do you go for a walk? Put a note near your shoes. These actually cross the line into time management, so you might want to explore that area of personal growth.
I have heard good results from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but I am appalled to learn about what you shared here about the use of rubber bands as a form of mild punishment. I can’t say that I would agree with this method of discipline. Neither would I consider on using on my kids for any bad habits that they may have.
I love this article, Albert! All of these techniques bring us back into the present moment – the only place we can really make powerful choices. So often we make choices to run away from the present – because of how we feel right now, or because we think it will get us towards a future we want more than the present. But in the end, we disempower ourselves with our lack of presence.
Great stuff!
Blessings,
Andrea
@ Evelyn: Heya! Hmm..is it that bad? It doesn’t really hurt, I think. It’s just a quick twang on the wrist. I agree though, definitely not for kids (and maybe not for some adults either). That’s why I put it last. Thanks for the comment
@ Andrea: Thank you for that too. I knew there had to be a reason these techniques were appealing – as you now pointed out most of them make us more present. Great insight as usual
This is a good article. The “What are you feeling?” technique is particularly useful, I recently read about a similar approach in the book Happiness by Mattheiu Ricard, he describes it as observing the emotion. I find it amazingly simple and effective … as soon as the focus is moved from the object of the emotion to the emotion itself, the feeling just seems to disintegrate.
Great Story! Great Series! I’m going have my clients read this.
Thx!
Dr. Jessica Lee
Denver Psychologist
http://www.denverpsychologist.com
@ Thomas: Cheers, mate
That book has been sitting on my bookshelf for a while now, now it seems like I really have to open it up and read it.
@ Jessica: That is a really big compliment! Thank you.
I always found extensive excercise to do the trick. At one point during high-school, I found that I had a micro-addiction to playing video games. Just like that I would lose an entire afternoon while I had much more important things to do. This caused me to feel guilty and underachieved.
I finally tried running instead of gaming. After 30-minutes of running, I barely wanted to sit up, much less game. Besides breaking the habit, I also got into shape. Win-win.
Great read! I need an alternative behavior now to get over the habits I’ve been so unwilling to part with.
@ Shaun: A very common addiction indeed
Thanks for that, I gotta try it. I’m pretty out of shape these days.
@ Mighty: Let me know what you try and how you get on
Albert this is another very helpful article!
Personally for me it all comes down to consciousness. If we are conscious of our actions, thoughts and words, I believe we can break any habit we have and one which we want to get rid of because it does not serve us. Through consciousness we can focus in on what our actions are and begin to become aware of the thoughts, feelings, etc that correspond to these habits.
Also, if one consciously considers their action or “bad habits” many times just the reflection and self realization of this is enough to realize how harmful this habit is to oneself and let it go. This is how many drinkers and smokers for example drop their addictions cold turkey.
But ultimately it helps to have will-power and various other tools that you explain here
Thanks Evita, good to have you here as always. I think you struck a key point with the realisation of damage. We often skirt around it, or minimise it, but if we ever actually sit down and focus strongly on it, the discomfort and consequences will REALLY hit us and suddenly we lose our desire to indulge, just as you said.
Hi Albert,
You and Evita certainly did hit it. I’ve had realization this week alone of my own tendencies to passive-agressive behavior in disguise of stating a personal preference of how an individual I know speaks to me. I made a generalized statement instead of confronting and explaining my position. It wasn’t meant to harm or what anyone would call a big deal. Yet it was quite unfair, since neither of us gets the benefit of directly addressing the issue, leaving it unresolved.
In the same vein, different tactic, I think I finally understand why I complain. I simply often didn’t know there was another way to state my case. And then learning the complaining isn’t really action that is effective in any situation.
Thanks for this article, Albert.
Hey Barbara, sounds like your self-awareness is really growing, and at a rapid speed too! You’re doing awesomely! (is that even a word?)
Handy tips – breathing is one of the ways we use on our training courses. Don’t forget though, that for the extra benefit of getting the right hormones kicking in you need to make sure the breathing is slow and LOW – diaphragm rather than in the chest!
Simon
I have already read much about self-controlling techniques, but it has never been that interesting and unusual as this article… Indeed, if what you feel has its effect on how you breathe, it should work in the opposite direction as well… When you feel anger, try breathing slow, and you’ll calm down… and we do search for some feeling when following our bad habits…
Thank you Simon and Lina
Thanks for this piece Albert. I’ll add that one other thing focusing on my breathing does for me is to bring my awareness into my body so that I can feel the energies I’m trying to distract myself from with my various habits. For instance, if I feel the urge to start randomly surfing the web, bringing my awareness into my body might help me notice that I’m doing this to distract myself from a tight feeling in my chest. And if I focus my attention on the tightness instead of distracting myself, I find it naturally relaxing.
Hey Chris
You mean I’m not the only one with an urge to randomly surf? Thanks for adding that tip – you’re definitely spot on in that these habits are trying to cover up different feelings and emotions. Good stuff.
I’m curious about your article “What are you Feeling.” I will try it sometime and find out what I am really feeling.
It’s always hard top master one’s own behavior but if you have the guts and willingness to go against some of your own bad habits, I guess it is the best control one could ever have in his or her life on earth. It’s always hard to deny oneself but it is also worth a try.
The greatest series of posts I ve read about this topic in a blog.
Keep up the great work.
looking forward to read the rest of the series.
Sinn
“What are you feeling?” is a great technique. I tend to be in a rush all the time, which makes me impatient and short with people. During the last few weeks, I’ve made marked improved by simply pausing and identifying in my head the feeling of being rushed/anxious. Doing that, for some reason, takes away the sense of urgency and stress that causes me to be short with people. I had no idea it could be that simple.
Ross
Gluten Free Food
fascinating post, i certainly learned a few things from your aritcle – congrats on a nice layout and design for your site!
Thank you so much everyone!
Great post. I especially enjoyed the part on breathing. Such a simple, yet vital part of being.
Thanks for sharing
I look forward to more…
Jonathan
Thank you Jonathan!
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