Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Evan Hadkins of Well Being and Health. Thanks Evan!
I think it is possible to have a positive approach to disappointment. I don’t mean that it is a pleasant experience, but that disappointment can provide us with valuable information that we can learn from. That by learning what disappointment has to teach we can become more compassionate people.
The best expression of this positive approach that I know is by Joanna Macy, a Buddhist social activist. Her approach is that disappointment is valuable because, “When you are disappointed you are not pretending” (my paraphrase). This is true (though it applies to any other experience or emotion that we don’t withdraw from).
[If you would like to know more about Joanna Macy she has written a book called World as Lover, World as Self
We can respond to disappointment positively because disappointment lets us know what is important to us. This is especially valuable when we are surprised by how disappointed we are. The surprise lets us know that there is more to us than our conscious thoughts and desires. So I think that disappointment is an experience worth embracing and learning from.
This is opposite to what I think of (a little unkindly) as the ‘spirituality is complacency‘ line of argument. This argument is that if we aren’t attached to anything then we won’t be disturbed by anything. This is true – and has valuable aspects, which I’ll go in to a bit later. However, it too often is an excuse for callous indifference. It has no room for compassion. At its worst this line of argument goes: “If you are appalled by the suffering of those dying of hunger, well, there is a way for you not to be bothered”. This is indeed true; I can’t see it as admirable though. For me, a spirituality that doesn’t have a central place for compassion isn’t worthy of the name.
If we are disappointed it is certainly correct that we were attached to some outcome. But I’m not sure that not being attached is the desired response. Or, put perhaps better, the way to non-attachment is one of encounter not avoidance. We could perhaps avoid all our emotions, hopes and dreams; we then would not be attached to anything. This would I think be the portrait of a psychopath.
If, instead of avoiding our experiences, we embrace them we find that we keep living and develop a resilience and sense of who we are. This gives us the sense that we are not any of our particular experiences – a sense of detachment from them. This path of encountering our experience also leads to non-attachment but does not have the psychopathic coldness that comes from avoiding parts of our experience.
If we can welcome, or at least acknowledge, our disappointment we gain a softness, a sense of our vulnerability (which is a good antidote to any ideas that we are ‘above’ suffering, or any grandiose thoughts that we may have). By welcoming our disappointment we can expand our compassion.
Here are some ideas I have that may help in times of disappointment, so that you can move to making disappointment a part of your experience and not something that overwhelms who you are – to gain some sense of detachment from it. I hope you find them useful.
How have you dealt with disappointment in your life? Have you found ways of moving on from your disappointments? If so I would like to hear about them in the comments.
I have a health course, “Designing a Long and Healthy Life”. It is twelve email delivered over a six week period. It covers all aspects of health and is designed to help you find what is right for you in your physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social life. You can sign up for it in the comments on this post, for the details of what’s in it, you can find them on my Newsletter page.
Thanks to Evan for that great post. As regular readers know, I am studying part time and it is exam period, so I’ll be away for a couple of weeks. Don’t worry, though, we’ve got great stuff lined up for your reading pleasure!
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GREAT! Learn from your mistakes and dissapointments. Turn it into something positive. I’m in for that!
Really well written post. Thanks!
Stay well,
Alex
Hmmm. This post definitely has me thinking! I live from the perspective that I’m the creator of my experiences. So I’m constantly creating ALL of it, including “disappointments.”
I guess when I create something I didn’t think I wanted, I use it as an opportunity to clarify my intention, look at my belief systems, etc. I don’t know that I think in terms of “disappointments” – more like “unanticipated results.”
In the end, everything we create is a reflection of our state of Being. Whatever outcomes we create, we can consider them excellent and valuable information, rather than judging them as “good” or “disappointing.”
Blessings,
Andrea
Thanks for featuring this post.
It’s great that Evan shared about embracing and not avoiding our disappointments instead. It certainly lends a beautiful perspective in the expression of our vulnerability. It therefore means that I do not reject a part of me that comes forth so naturally nor berate myself for being so emotionally attached to an outcome.
Disappointments are unavoidable. We all experience them at some point and pretending they don’t really matter is just lying to yourself. I think the five ways you listed to deal with disappointment are good options.
I think the best way to deal with disappointments is to attempt to turn it into something positive and, as you suggested, moving on. It’s possible that you can learn from the disappointment and take what you’ve learned to avoid similar disappointments. Great article though!
Andrea, I’m wondering if you believe you created the experience when someone you love dies.
Evelyn, I really like what you said. I do believe as humans we are inherently vulnerable. Poet David Whyte said that the way some people talk about “enlightenment,” it makes him think they could substitute the word “safety.”
Good post indeed!
I really agree with Andrea too, as if I am the creator of my own experiences I do not find really that I face disappointment much – as long as it deals with things I am in control of. To an observer if something does not go my way, it may seem like disappointment but to me it is nothing more than an opportunity to realign. And a message or a signal that my thoughts were not at the same vibrational frequency as I wanted my actions to go.
Ultimately too, I believe that nothing in life can disappoint us without us letting this “event” into our experience. It is not about ignoring it or dismissing it or lying to yourself, but about you being in control of how do I choose to respond to it.
So to address Carolyn’s comment, about how we create or if we create when someone dies…
It is not that we necessarily created that event, we may have merely created an opportunity to grow, as the choice or creation to die revolves around the person doing the dying.
Where we come in is in how we choose to experience that event. We all know people who are in mourning for years as they are attached to the action of the person dying (not even so much the person themselves) and we know people who mourn in a healthy way, keep the memory of the loved one but do not let their passing consume their life.
As much as there are people in my life that are dearly beloved to me and I would not wish for them to die, ultimately if they do I have to realize that I have 2 choices: to become attached to a lower vibrational energy and dwell over the event OR acknowledge the event and align myself with a higher vibrational energy to continue to create my life and not get stuck in their creation.
Forgive me if I sound a little cold, it is not meant to at all, it is just that our society has conditioned us to act a “certain” way around the topic of death which many times does not serve us one bit – or the deceased for that matter. I can still love the person dearly and hold their memory by rejoicing in their life, not being disappointed by their death.
Why sometimes we cry and even get angry is that we do not agree with the other person’s choice, we almost feel wronged when someone dies, like “how dare they leave me” – but again we have to realize I can only control my own actions and when it comes to the actions of others I can only control how I choose to react to them.
“For me, a spirituality that doesn’t have a central place for compassion isn’t worthy of the name.”
Indeed. I agree wholeheartedly. and that’s why I stopped being a hardcore Taoist and embraced a fuzzier spirituality.
I agree. My basic philosophy is “Stay curious and open to life. No matter what happens keep learning and growing. Find what you love to do and find a way to share it with others.” I might not like what happens at times, but I can always learn from it.
One of my favorite quotes is by Kathleen Norris: “We don’t pray for what we want. We pray that we will be changed in ways we can’t imagine.”
Great post – very thought provoking. Some good points regarding how, when one is feeling disappointment, we are in a state of congruence. Unlike denial which is completely the opposite.
Nice post, Evan.
Agreeing with Dolls, I particularly like the way you stress that disappointment is always real, maybe even a rare moment of ‘not pretending’ and therefore valuable, and worth embracing, rather than some kind of personal failure – “how stupid of me not to have been able to control that” or “how stupid of me for even desiring that”.
Those ‘gaps’ in our story, whether it be one of being always the victim, or indeed one about being in control of everything, are uniquely valuable, I think. They are the places in which compasssion arises…
Every experience is meaningful because each one is a crucial step that leads us back to our true selves. You acknowledge different emotions long enough to learn what serves you and what distracts you from what you really need. You offer a wealth of helpful tips here.
Nice post and sound advice. The most important change in my life has been putting these sorts of ideas into practice and I can’t believe the transformation that has been made – life isn’t perfect but I am enjoying myself a lot more now and appreciating the important things in life.
I can now put things like dissapointment behind me rather than continously having them colour my behaviour and emotions and it’s surprising how easy the change has actually been.
Really cool tips, to consider, hopefully I will remember your tips next time I experiance dissapointment.
Thx for the post.
Sinn
Disappointment is an experience really difficult to deal with, even if one is spiritually advanced. It can really bring us down, and afterwards one would need to work hard to climb up again. But I fully agree that one should not separate oneself from life in order not to be disappointed. This separation is artificial, and cannot really help in the spiritual advancement. Better to be hurt and disappointed and therefore to learn something about our wrong or unrealistic expectations, or our own false conception, then to isolate and separate.
I guess when I create something I didn’t think I wanted, I use it as an opportunity to clarify my intention, look at my belief systems, etc. I don’t know that I think in terms of “disappointments” – more like “unanticipated results.”
I see two ways to respond positively to disappoint. (1) You can use the opportunity to reassess your goals and decide whether you’re prioritizing correctly, and reaffirm that the objective you set (and are now disappointed about) is really what you want. (2) You can use the disappointment as motivation to get out there and try a new way to achieve the goal you set out to accomplish. I’ve personally found that disappointment (and failure) have been strong motivators for me.
Ross
Gluten Free Food
Love this quote ;
“When you are disappointed you are not pretending
Thx for the post
Great article and very enlightening. I believe a large portion of disappoint revolves around confidence in yourself. I believe if you are confident in everything you do, you will absorb any obstacles and they wont slow you down.
I love the line,”disappointment lets us know what is important to us.” This is where many people get stuck. Instead of re-evaluating the situation and taking action to get a desirable outcome, they stay stuck on angry.
I know this isn’t my post, but just wanted to say a thank you to everyone for their comments
Great Post! As all of have experienced disappointment,The hardest part for me is to accept that I have created it and knowing that accepting is the key to peace but my ego gets in the way trying to change the circumstance at hand.
Exactly right! there is always lessons to be learned from mistakes, hence the saying ” to get it right you need to get it wrong first”
There is no dissapointment worst than the one produced by a loved one behaving in a way that totally destroys our faith on him/her….If we are attached to a certain image of this person, but he has to be his own self, and thus dissapoint us, we blame the other, not our need to believe in this illusion. It is very difficult to give up the illusion tha some body else can give us happiness!
I really believe that we learn more from mistakes than we do from successes. Disappointment is usually the result of a mistake, so in effect it is really the disappointment that “sponsor’s” the learning.
Well I like the idea of learning and turning the disappointing experiences into positive ones. But as far as discussing with friends I beg to differ. My philosophy is you laugh and the whole world laughs with you , but if you cry , you cry alone. I found that people make fun of your bad times, and exploit the thoughts that you shared during the weak moments.
I try to take my disappointments and turn them into positive catalysts: I find the source of my disappointment, and, especially if it’s a disappointment at myself, I change it, rework it, until it’s something I’m satisfied with. Sometimes it’s a change of the actual situation, sometimes it’s just a change in my thinking.
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