“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
So many, many things in our lives begin with a single thought. Our thoughts affect our behaviours, our character – our very destiny. And to grow, to heal, to love – thoughts should be the first thing we examine.
Throughout the time I’ve been in personal development, I’ve examined many systems of working with our thoughts. One of these was the current force amongst psychologists – Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (a basic overview here). A large part of such work revolves around removing the distortions in our thoughts, and with them, our suffering. However, I felt there was something lacking – the undoing remained at an intellectual level, and in my experience, change was slow – effective, but measured in weeks and months.
It was then I re-discovered The Work of Byron Katie. I’ve played with it many times before, but it never really worked for me. A few months ago, I figured out why – I made the same basic mistakes many newcomers did. And when I finally started doing it “right”, the changes have been rapid. They occur at a far deeper level, and troubling beliefs and perspectives that have plagued me for years disappeared in a matter of hours and days.
And so I present a guide that will hopefully address these mistakes, as well as introduce this wonderful system to those who have never heard of it. I highly recommend you spend some time exploring it – it really does work magic, if done right.
This is not a replacement for her material and instructionals – which are all free at her website www.thework.com – but rather to be read in conjunction. If you are unfamiliar with this method of inquiry, and are interested, please head over and explore her website and resources. Good starting pages are How to do The Work and Resources (scroll down to “The Little Book”, a free PDF with a detailed introduction and instructions).
So why this guide? Firstly, I plan to write a series of posts that explore some deeper issues. In inner work, people tend to gravitate towards either working with thoughts, or working with emotions. Inquiry via The Work is the most powerful method of working with thoughts I have discovered; letting go is the emotional equivalent. I plan to write those posts and detail the process of uncovering issues, and simply refer back to these posts when it comes to undoing and healing them.
Secondly, beyond covering the mistakes newcomers make, there are some common and dangerous misunderstandings I’ve found when exploring the internet, and I want to address those as well. In doing so, I hope to help spread this system of finding inner freedom.
Please note that I am not a qualified facilitator of the Work. I write this only as someone who has dedicated months to studying and applying her material. There might be subtle misunderstandings of my own, but I hope not. 
And finally (I know this is a long introduction, sorry): This is not a paid review or anything of the sort. I’m just a big fan. Even if I do link to Amazon for her books, there is no affiliate code inserted, it’s for reader convenience. So, let’s begin!
After all that rambling, what exactly is the Work? Four basic questions and some turnarounds. How can it be that simple? How does it work?
Every time we are upset, there is a thought, or a deeper belief, that lies underneath. Curiously, these thoughts do not often represent reality – and therefore we find ourselves suffering because of a mere distortion, a misinterpretation. Other times, our thoughts are accurate, but they represent a form of resistance towards reality. And often, it is this resistance that causes our pain, not the person, not the situation. And when we realise this for ourselves, as Katie says, the thought lets go of us.
Let’s illustrate this guide with a small event that happened to me a few months ago. I was at a restaurant, when I got up to go outside. There was a woman sitting behind me, and I unknowingly bumped into her. When I got back from my phone call, her husband began telling me off. I apologised several times over the next few minutes, but he ignored me and kept shouting at me. Soon, I got angry, and told him to stop being so rude, before returning to my seat. He continued glaring at me and making comments throughout the rest of the night, and it made me feel quite angry, and strangely, gave me an overwhelming sense of despair.
So that’s the basic story – we’ll keep referring back to it throughout the guide.
In the official website, you can find a worksheet called Judge Your Neighbour (look at the sidebar on this page). One is prompted to write down everything they feel about a person they are upset with. Although one can do the inquiry on any thought, it is recommended for beginners to do the process on others until they become familiar with the process.
Two important points for the first step:
For example, I wrote several worksheets on the angry husband event, and although I dropped a huge portion of the hurt, I couldn’t get to the core of the issue. When I simply allowed my thoughts to free-flow on paper, though, the main issues arised – the thoughts: I didn’t do anything! Stop hating me!
Without putting pen to paper I could not have found these thoughts. I just felt a general sense of anger, and when I admitted it, a sense of despair and rejection. Secondly, my pride got in the way. I wanted him to stop hating me; I wanted him to like me, accept my apology and see me as reasonable and magnanimous. But these thoughts – the ones that did the most damage – had been pushed down because I refused to admit to them. There was too much macho pride; I could admit to anger, but I refused to admit to being hurt and feeling sad and rejected.
So: write it down, worksheet or not. Let your mind run free and uncensored. This is a step that cannot be skipped, no matter how strong the urge is. If you’re worried about people seeing your writings, then simply tear them up once you’re done.
In the instructions, Katie mentions casually to make the process into a meditation. I think that was under-emphasised, as in my experience, the meditation component is the most important.
Try this exercise I learnt in a meditation class: Close your eyes, and ask yourself: I wonder what my next thought would be? And just be still and wait for an answer. Keep alert, and simply wait. This state of mind was what worked best for me.
The first time I tried the Work, I did everything in my head. I answered the questions through the mind, using logic and rationalisation. I debated with myself, I thought about things, I argued and analysed. And so the results I got remained intellectual – I didn’t feel much different. The realisations, the undoing of the distortions, had not truly sunk in.
With this state of mind, we bypass the logical, arguing mind – and wait for the answer to surface from the heart.
So, let’s move on to the actual process of inquiry.
The first two questions of the actual process are simple:
When you ask yourself these questions (and the second is only if you reply “yes” to the first), spend at least thirty seconds waiting for the answer, while in the described state of mind. And whatever answer arises, sit with that and the feelings that come with it, for at least thirty seconds as well. This allows the realisations to sink in.
In fact, Katie has mentioned that one can sit with a question – both the waiting and the sinking-in – for hours or days. When we work with deeper core beliefs, this amount of time might be exactly what is required. Thirty seconds is an arbitrary minimum, you are encouraged to take as long as you need – but people have a tendency to rush the process, not getting the full benefits of inquiry. This is to circumvent that. I cannot emphasise this enough: the before and after periods are just as important as the answer itself.
A final point: the answer might not come in the form of a word. It can come as a feeling, an image, or a “knowingness”. As long as one is honest, the process is working. There is no right or wrong answer – even a genuine “I don’t know” is as good an answer as any.
But what do these questions do? They serve to see if we are attaching to a lie. Do we really know what the truth is? In my example, the major painful thought revolved around my perceived innocence: I didn’t do anything wrong.
But was that true? My pride said yes. My desire to cling to a magnanimous self-image said yes. But I did do something wrong. It was simple to see, but I refused to admit it. I am a big man, six foot four, and the woman I bumped into was petite. It is possible I caused her actual physical pain beyond a simple bump. All of a sudden her husband’s anger didn’t seem so unreasonable. My righteousness dropped drastically, understanding increased, and I was more open to forgiveness. If I did cause pain, was a simple verbal apology enough? Probably not.
Again, this is the value of getting into the “empty” state of mind. Without it, the mind will stick to what it knows – the false perceptions, and nothing will have shifted.
This removal of righteousness, positionalities, and stories is one of the biggest benefits of this system. I’ve been using emotional work and letting go on people I have not forgiven for a long time, and although I cleared most of my resentment, eventually I reached a point where nothing shifted. The reason for this was simple: I still clung to my story – I still believed that they had done me wrong. As long as I held these positions, I could not find total freedom. In my opinion, there is nothing that a mix of inquiry and releasing cannot heal.
A good supplementary question at this stage is: Do you absolutely know what is best for them / me in the long run? Many painful events carry a hidden life lesson, or served to make me stronger, or led to something that was ultimately beneficial. (There are too many examples of this – we discussed some of this in Gratitude for the Bad.)
However, a perfect example was the event that led me to re-discovering the Work. I had a major argument with my friend, which left me furious for weeks. It eventually led me to re-try the Work, and with it, I discovered a tool which dissolved far bigger and long-standing issues – some of which had haunted me for most of my life. In the long run, the argument and the ending of a close friendship carried with it one of the biggest gifts I have ever received. When I realised this, my resentment and righteousness at him began to melt away.
Here, I need to discuss a common problem: inquiring with a motive. We’ve discussed righteousness – very often we carry this righteousness across to inquiry. We block off genuine answers because we are afraid of being wrong, or we are afraid of what we might discover, or we are afraid that the other person is right about us. (More on this in the future, but for now, one can inquire into the statement: I can’t be wrong, or If I forgive him, that means I lose or any variation that is holding you back.)
But a common dangerous motive is inquiring with the intention to drop the belief. We know that inquiry will allow a painful belief to dissolve, and so we do it with that goal in mind. This might lead us to force ourselves to give what we think is the right answer in order to drop the belief. Katie states to do inquiry for love of the truth – and nothing else.
For example, a core belief I worked on was: There is something fundamentally wrong with me. I did the Work simply to drop this belief, thinking it was just a matter of “doing my time”. But my motives blocked the process, for my heart was saying “yes – there is something wrong with me”. Maintain inquiry, until the moment comes when the answer is a genuine “no” – that is true freedom! (And if it doesn’t, that’s what the remaining questions are for.)
There are many other motives: trying to drop an addiction, or to improve a relationship, for example. Stay alert for your own.
To close off Part One of the guide – a variation of the statements. What if the statements we are dealing with are really true and there is no room for distortions or misinterpretation?
I am angry because he kept telling me off after I apologised.
How can we question that? Yes, I am angry, and yes, he continued to tell me off. At this point, it is helpful to explore the underlying issues. Two of my favourite ways to deal with this:
The first question allows us to investigate our interpretation of the event. When he ignored my apologies and continued telling me off, he made me feel like I was invisible, that nothing I said mattered. This are some of the core shames and beliefs I have been struggling with for a long time – and I have interpreted his actions to fit in with this core belief (instead of a more rational perspective – he’s just really angry). So I worked with the re-written statement – I am invisible because he kept telling me off.
The second question is to look at the “shoulds” behind the thought. Many cognitive therapists talk of the “tyranny of the shoulds” – how a life lived to shoulds cause the most suffering. Therefore, some of the best inner work one can do is undoing these rules. In my case, the should was clear – people should always accept an apology. Was that true? Where was it written that a simple apology would clear things up? If I did cause his wife physical pain, was a mere word enough to remove her bruises?
And this ends the first part of the guide. There are two more questions to the process, and the turnarounds, which will come in the rest of the series. Please subscribe to get updated as soon as they are posted!
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38 Comments
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To me, at the very root of this method….it is all about shedding the ego when it comes down to it.
Hi Albert,
I’m really looking forward to the rest of this series.
Overall the approach of the work sounds superb.
Only one quibble: some people absolutely have been wronged. I am thinking of abused children (though it probably applies in other situations too). Sometimes I think it is true that we didn’t do anything wrong.
I think this possibility is allowed for. But I wanted to emphasise it: for people with these kinds of issues it is in my experience vital for them to know that it was in no way at all or to any extent their fault, their doing or that they were in any way to blame. (To put it as forcefully as I can.)
@ Bobby: Completely agreed
Thanks for the comment.
@ Evan: Hey mate! Agreed with you too. In fact it is one of the reasons I put in the final section – the “what does it mean?” and “the shoulds”. Doing the Work with extreme issues like cancer and rape and war is very very hard, and there are audios and books of Katie facilitating others in that regard. I have heard one or two stories of untrained people trying to facilitate the Work on bigger issues and just made the other person feel worse.
Thanks Albert – I’d heard of Byron Katie before but never taken the time to see what she was about. Think I’ll head over and take a look, on your recommendation. #8-)
@Evan – Actually, in her book “Loving What Is,” Byron Katie goes through The Work with a woman who had been sexually abused as a child. Of course, she had been wronged. However, through her Work she realized that she had been codependent, and that she had been effectively abusing herself for a long time since.
There are other examples in that book of people who have been wronged, such as during WWII. Similarly, they find that they’ve been hurting themselves more than the people who wronged them ever did.
In short, suppose that’s true that you did nothing wrong, but were wronged by someone else. So what? If you can forgive the other person completely, that’s great. If not, holding onto the negativity is hurting you.
As Albert said, it can be hard to do the Work on bigger issues. However, I found it very helpful in working on my chronic illness (which I could consider to be God wronging me). Illness, abuse, and other exogenous events all share a common aspect: the world provides the pain, but our judgments of the events provide the suffering.
@Shadowduck: No problem, hope you like it. It can be a bit of a hard system to learn, due to the open ended nature, but if you stick with it, the results are amazing.
@ Jim: Thank you for that great comment! That sexual abuse dialogue was amongst my favourite. But I’ve read of people misunderstanding it big time – they don’t realise it’s an experiential process, not an intellectual one. If you read through the turnarounds and the stuff BK says with only an intellectual understanding, you would be justified in thinking she’s blaming the victim for what she did – but if you experienced it, you would know that BK was doing the most healing.
Similarly with bigger issues – sometimes I feel that it doesn’t work. I was dealing with some big stuff (not as big as rape), but stuff that’s plagued me since childhood – “I am fundamentally defective”, “I am unlovable”, etc – and it can be frustrating – feeling like nothing has shifted. But it’s a slow process. All you can do is to keep chipping away at it.
Thank you so much for this, Albert!!! I’ve found The Work to be one of the most helpful, if not THE most helpful, tool in dealing with stressful and painful thoughts and emotions. You have no idea how much I needed this today. I started to cry when I saw it in my inbox.
Maybe it’s on Katie’s site, or maybe it’s on YouTube, but I distinctly remember watching a very compelling workshop taped in Israel where she worked with a woman afraid of war, terrorist bombings, etc. Now THAT’S taking on the tough issues!
I’m a huge fan of “the Work” and I really like the thoughts you add to the material. I think I missed the meditation aspect of the process, too.
I look forward to the rest of the series!
Blessings,
Andrea
This way of coping has worked for 2yrs., now. And should be taught in schools. Especially starting at a young age. (clean slate)
Can’t wait till the following series~
Thanks a bunch
Love & peace
@ Carolyn: I hope you’re feeling better now. The Work is wonderful isn’t it?
@ Andrea: Hey, it’s always good to see you here
Thank you for the comment.
@ Terry: Oh yes – I really think stuff like this should be taught in schools too. I recently taught my teenage nephew how to release (using the Sedona Method), and the basics of The Work – and he loved it. Definitely something that will serve us well throughout life.
Albert,
Thank you for this post. I have been struggling with a situation that took place 3 years ago between my best friend and I. Our friendship ended as a result and I have felt terrible ever since. I completed the worksheet but it’s hard to decide who I’m really angry at, my friend or myself. I look forward to the rest of the series. Also, thank you for pointing me in the direction of Byron Katie.
Nance
Nance, you’re very welcome
Yes being upset at both people in the argument is very common. Since you are new to the work, pour it out against your friend, and undo all of those thoughts (You’ll find that you often won’t need to undo all of them, after you’ve completely undone the first few, the remaining sentences in the worksheet often seem funny).
And once you have a bit of experience, write one on yourself. The most liberating thing is to do it on yourself, but if you do it without any experience the mistakes that we make in the inquiry process are OUCH that much more painful
Since I started practicing “the work” two years ago, I’ve realized that the mental converstaion within myself is THE source of all the criticisms; I have the “I’m not-good-enough” mentality for everything. Although I’ve been working on it, the realization doesn’t unravel my confused mind in a blink of an eye. Rather, it’s been a long process and I find that “the work” is not always easy to apply to general issues like my “I’m-not-good-enough” mentality. I feel my heart knows what is genuine for me, but it seems that my brain refuses to accept it.
Excellent content and style…keep up the good work!
@ Sapphire: I know exactly how you feel. All I can suggest is to break it down into little bits and pieces. For example, in specific situations. Your general “I am not good enough” can be seen as a whole bunch of smaller “I am not good enough in X” + “I am not good enough in Y” type thoughts all bunched together. So try undoing specific situations and events, and you’ll find that you chip away at it. Otherwise you can try releasing
@ Simple Meditation: Thanks!
One question that struck me when I was reading your story was how often we replay painful events from our lives trying to get perspective on who was “in the right.” In the moment when the event’s actually happening, it may be important to have in our minds “what is the right action?” But afterwards, that thought serves no purpose at all except to create misery. As I’ve heard Katie say, “the wonderful thing about the past is that it’s over.” — Best, Chris
Hey Chris – definitely. One of the biggest things I’ve learnt from working on the argument was that there is great power in being able not to care who was right and wrong. Thanks for the comment.
You kindly remind people they always have underlying thoughts, feelings and motivations worthy of exploring. This is a meaningful exercise, wherever it takes you.
Hey Liara, thank you!
nice work, keep it up!
Thank you Schouwen
It’s interesting to read you talk about the distinction between experiential and intellectual. I guess this is a part of that, but I also think it helps to remember that Byron Katie is not seeking to tell the absolute truth about reality ‘out there’. She is just helping people find a story that is less painful to live with.
That helps, in my experience, soften some of what she says when working with the bigger issues. Mind you, that was before I even thought about the experiential and intellectual gap!
Hey Graham, agreed with you. I bought some supplementary material from a Byron Katie fan site, and she has a great approach – softening the story, as you say, and finally, having no story at all. I think that is the ultimate goal – to be able to experience things without the constant filtering, judging, and mental chatter in our heads.
Thanks so much for the comment, and the link
’softening the story, as you say, and finally, having no story at all.’
Yeah, I think that’s the ultimate point, isn’t it? I didn’t get that on the first read of LWI, but it slowly dawns on you, experientially.
What was the fan site you mentioned?
Hey Graham – oops I was running out the door and forgot to put it in. Check out
http://www.questionthemind.com/
I bought quite a few items from her store, I can’t check which as I am overseas at the moment – but the forgiveness one is awesome. The difficult people one is good too.
Thanks for that link. I’ll definitely check it out.
Albert,
Great post with alot of good insights!
Emotional memory is very much a part of our existence.
Some might even conclude the stuff “Wisdom” is made up of.
As many readers have concluded it is part of daily existence.
Some emotional memories are quite daunting and are harmful to daily existence yet others quite frankly are powerful wisdom that has been built through daily existence. So do be careful not to be overlly zealous in becoming a “clean slate.” I think its true that her work is great and healing. She has helped alleviate alot of needless suffering. When you realize that just remembering an incident brings back emotional coponents as well It helps the currant awareness. It is said 100,000 of thousands suffer from some form of PTSD. I think her work is really beneficial for anger management. Great example, by the way, Albert.
I too caution people to becareful as Evan did, do not become to fixated on not placing “justice” wrong or right judgement out of balance here. Lately and even more so I see people having a inability to react justly because of this off balance misunderstanding of the works presented by many different genres recently so “trendy” now. Critical thinking has a rightful place in each one of us. Don’t get so tolerant that you don’t stand up for someone who has or is being treated wrongfully.
I love the free writng approach to explore a existing problem one is having. It is often of great help to discover underlying feelings and beliefs. That may need to be reframed with higher awareness.
Thanks again for the post! Great Work!
Thank you so much, Diane!
It’s really interesting how you point out we shouldn’t get so tolerant that we don’t stand up for someone who is hurt. One of the reasons I emphasize that this is a beginner’s introduction is that I know people who have undone their thoughts (around a particular situation, at least) completely. Help is offered to those who need it, just as readily (or perhaps even more) than with those who still hold a position of right and left. The funny thing, compassion is also offered for those who others would perceive to be “wrong” – as Katie said, all desire to hurt arises from confusion. So the one doing the hurting is not “evil”, but rather just someone who is suffering him or herself.
What I like about this is also Katie’s warning not to pretend yourself beyond your evolution. If you naturally can reach this position of seeing that there is no one in the wrong (especially tricky when it comes to bigger issues like rape or beatings) then go ahead. Otherwise, we shouldn’t try to force ourselves to love or be kind to those around us (This can lead to repression or even more resentment or other nastiness). This is a fantastic issue you brought up, so thank you again.
awesome guide, lots of text but its worth reading!
Interesting, might be very helpful to me.
Oh man, thank you so much for putting together this guide.
I’ve been getting into The Work lately and it’s proving to be a very valuable tool indeed. Some of the issues about intellectualizing rather than letting it sink in deeply is something I’ve been experiencing as well, and hearing your “troubleshooting tips” are very helpful.
The one about sitting and resting with the question instead of jumping straight to an answer is a really good point.
Thank you very much for your openness, your honesty, and your wisdom.
Hey Ariel, thank you for that comment
I really love the work, it’s doing wonders for some of the things I’ve been trying to shift. Let me know how you go with it!
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