We are all living on one planet, in one physical reality. But there is one common mistake many of us make – we think we are living in the same world.
Allow me to explain. How is that a mistake? We all see the world differently, through the filters of our individual past experiences, biases, and beliefs. One man can look at a car and simply see a way of getting around. Another man can look at the same car and see a status symbol. One physical reality, two perceptions.
Even though we live in the same physical planet, our world is different. We walk into a room, and we are treated according to our looks, our bearing, and what we are wearing. One woman is treated like royalty, another is treated coldly in the same room. One physical reality, two experiences.
Or would it be more accurate to say that one physical reality, 6 billion worlds?
I had a female friend visit me from overseas recently, and we went out for dinner with some of my local friends. At the end of the night, when we were saying our goodbyes, the guys leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. She told me afterwards that she was quite uncomfortable with such physical contact from someone she didn’t really know. Were they taking advantage of her? I assured her it was quite normal in Australia, and she nodded in relief.
With that one simple understanding – the guys were doing what was natural to them – she brushed off her discomfort immediately.
What if, instead of having one culture per country, we see things in a slightly different way? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say there is one culture per person? Every single person – even siblings from the same household – lives in their unique world, has their own unique upbringing, their one-person culture.
In The Dance of Anger
“This is the way the world should be.”
“This is the way she should be.”
“He shouldn’t be like that.”
“My way is the only way.”
“The world would be better if they were all like me!”
The height of narcissism, you might think. And you’re right. We’re all at the greatest peaks of our own little mountains!
The next time you think of someone you dislike or an argument you might have, see if these statements are underneath the more superficial thoughts. For example, if I think of someone who owes me money and refuses to return it, I might judge him as a man of low character. It sounds like a normal and reasonable thought to have. But underneath that thought is something else – if he was like me he would be a better man!
What if we don’t have a hold on the Truth? What if there are as many truths as there are people? What if, in his one-man culture, he has good reasons for not returning the money? He might have done me some favour and thought that was the debt repaid. He might have been raised to think that such behaviour meant he was smart with money. He might think that is simply the way of the world – rip him off before he rips me off.
Now this can be tricky and prone to misunderstandings – I hesitated to write this post many times. Please remember that I am talking strictly about our internal experience. This is not to say we don’t take right and ethical action, or that we don’t protect ourselves. This is not about that. Neither is this about criminal acts such as assault or rape – I have no experience with that. For this article I mostly have in mind disagreements between family, workmates, lovers, and so on.
I am not saying anything about right or wrong, either. I am not saying it is right (or wrong) to steal, or yell, or whatever. I don’t know about that. All I do know, however, is that belief hurts me.
And the more I hurt inside, the more likely I am to hurt others.
Note:This practice is best used in conjunction with your favourite emotional or spiritual tool. It will likely bring up many uncomfortable feelings that need to be processed, but the end result is tremendously freeing. My favourites are simply welcoming the emotion, or letting go of it.
The first reaction one might have to this is – isn’t this so basic? Isn’t this in every child’s storybook? We’ve all heard of the saying, walk a mile in his shoes. But how many of us actually practice it? It wasn’t until recently that I even saw this as feasible and practical, instead of just a fancy ideal unsuitable in the real world. I’ve put together a practical application from my own recent explorations. It builds on my favourite techniques, taking them to new places for more freedom.
We can start out with someone we don’t really know, someone who disturbs your peace slightly – perhaps a rude stranger or someone you see on the evening news. First, judge them as you normally do – they are weak, pathetic, angry, or whatever – and see how you feel. Can you see that you are the one you are hurting?
Next, just look at her again, this time without the judgement. Pretend you can’t think that judgemental thought, and look at them without it. This can give you an entirely different perspective. Someone you thought was cold and stand-offish might actually just be shy.
If you have trouble with it, if your negative judgement is too strong, try to see how they are just doing the best they can with what they knew and what they had. They are just doing the best they can to survive. Someone who was loud and rude might be, in his one-man culture, trying to be a man. Someone who doesn’t listen to you when you need a shoulder to cry on might have been raised to be strong and handle their own pain, and might think they are doing you a favour by toughening you up.
If this is still too hard, try this: put yourself in the other person’s shoes. A few weeks ago I was having a very long and stressful day, and that evening when I was driving home, I realised I had forgotten to do something minor. But that was enough for me to let loose a long stream of loud and colourful expletives. And all I had was a bad day. The next time I saw on TV a report of a murderer, I thought to myself – how would I have behaved if I had his life? Perhaps he had been abused every day of his life as a child. What if that was me? Wouldn’t my anger – and the way I exploded – be a thousand times worse?
However, even this can be hard, because some of our internal beliefs have been there for so long that they’ve become our laws – it can take a lot of work to shake the thought “A business partner should always be fair and honest”, “my family should always be my shoulder to cry on”, or whatever it is you have been brought up to believe.
Again, I am not saying it is okay to do something hurtful. Remember that this is an internal experience; it does not mean you don’t protect yourself if you have to, or abandon right action.
The next important step here is to let it sink in. Whatever emotions arise, use your favourite tools – perhaps sitting with it for a while, or releasing it. For instance, not judging someone as arrogant might feel surprisingly good, so let it drop from your head to your heart. This is even more important when it is uncomfortable, however. Keeping it at an intellectual level doesn’t change anything.
Repeat this process until you are more or less empty of negative judgements. Check in to see how you feel inside periodically. You will find your judgements becoming kinder, and your own pain has diminished.
Again, this can take a while – but don’t give up. Why? If you are doing this on someone who screamed at you and called you names, for instance, you are also indirectly processing everyone who has done the same in the past. You are also taking steps to ensure that the next time it happens, you will still be in your power, unhurt. And most importantly, you are also forgiving yourself for the times you lost control and yelled at someone else.
This is important, for this self-blame is often hidden. We are not aware of it, have forgotten about it, or most likely, we have denied that we have even done it in the first place. This can be hard to swallow, so please read that last part again. If we are honest with ourselves, we have all been – to varying degrees – dishonest, spiteful, hurtful, and all the rest of it. And unless you are a sociopath, you will invariably carry guilt and shame, even if you are not aware of it!
When I saw it was their confusion, their own overwhelming pain, that caused them to behave the way they did – that they are human beings who made some unwise choices, I found it easier to see my own human frailties in the same way. This does not mean I suddenly found it OK to verbally abuse someone – in fact, with reduced amounts of inner pain, I was freer and more in control.
Self-forgiveness is one of the most freeing presents we can give ourselves.
An even more powerful step, beyond this, is to repeat the process and remove the new judgement as well, even if it is positive and caring!
For example, if I removed an “arrogant” judgement, what arises might be – She is just trying in her own way to be cool. That feels kinder and might be good enough for many, but if you look closely, still carries a hint of condescension and pity.
This can take a tremendous amount of time, so you might want to stop once you reached a positive place. But trust me on this one – the most wonderful feeling you can have is not having any judgements at all. It can feel positively blissful.
In some cases, especially with people who were more emotionally charged, this process can make you feel worse. In many arguments, we initially think we are all right and they are all wrong. However, things are not always so clearly defined. Sometimes we see that we are also at fault too, and that can be uncomfortable. Perhaps we see their innocence for the first time, and then fall into self-loathing for having been so petty or having been angry in the first place. Other times, we have been stuck in the victim story for so long that it has become a part of us, and losing it is threatening to our self-identity.
And yet – from the perspective of freedom – this is a good thing. Being able to admit we are wrong, and releasing our pain from that, being able to let go of the victim identity, and being able to see the innocence in others (not their actions), are some of the hardest things to do in finding peace.
There are many reasons we hurt. Not all incidents can be brushed off as easily as the culturally unexpected kiss on the cheek. This practice removes only one of the reasons for suffering – but in my experience, one of the deepest and most “hidden”.
As such, if you don’t feel ready to try this, or if you get no result from it, then emotions from other causes might still be overwhelming you. If that is the case, please take care of yourself, and process those before you try to feel understanding or compassion towards others. Otherwise, you might just be pushing your pain down.
Apologies for the long post – I tried to keep it short but I can’t cut it down any more without leaving out vital information. This post represents most of the stuff I have been working on in recent times – places that my normal methods don’t normally reach, and so I have to give a good level of detail.
I hope this process has helped someone!
The first link love goes out to Ariel of You Are Truly Loved. A blog that is focused on spiritual concepts and dedicated to the serious seeker. A recent post: Where Enlightenment fits in the Big picture.
The second goes to a blog I recently discovered – Joyful Days, by Daphne. Her love of life can be seen in every post. A recent post: Just Keep Showing Up.
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Cool article, Albert, and thank you for the link love!
Letting go and non-judgment, I’ve also found these to be incredibly powerful practices.
As for the multiple universes thing, that’s actually quite literally true. Within your consciousness exists a unique universe and with every passing throught, an entirely unique universe is born. You are jumping from universe to universe to universe in every moment.
I am a projection of your consciousness existing within your mind. There’s no way you could even prove anything exists outside of your consciousness.
In a sense, you are your own YOUniverse.
I am my own universe as well. You and I have collectively agreed to co-create this experience together, but we do not exist within the same universe.
We are in different universes which somewhat overlap so that co-creation can occur. We are unique perspectives of the One Presence that is.
heh, fun stuff.
Thank you so much for writing this! This post reflects a lot of thoughts that I have had floating around in my head for a long time, which had not really “gelled” together yet to form a coherent idea. You have just saved me from several months, if not years, of thought processing!
Several years ago, I began this process with overcoming guilt. By recognizing that I always do the best that I can do, given my current knowledge and abilities, I can release guilt by knowing that I would have made a better decision if I had known more correct information or better abilities.
Now, you have shown me how to turn this towards other people, so that I can more easily forgive them for the things that they do. I think this will help me tremendously in all of my current and future relationships, and I deeply appreciate it! Again, thank you so much!
Wow you guys are fast! Thanks for your comments.
@ Ariel: YOUniverse, I love it! Haha! I love your explanation. That actually cleared up a couple of points I was trying to clear inside my head, so you have no idea how much you helped.
@ Jay: You’re welcome! It’s really hard to put into words, isn’t it? I spent a really long time on this post, far more than usual, because I struggled to express what was in my head too. I’m glad you found it helpful because I wasn’t sure the end product made sense to anyone but myself
I’ve been trying to get myself to focus on the truth and let go of my perceptions lately, and this article just completely goes hand in hand with that thought process. We get so caught up in thinking that we instinctively know why someone acts the way they do and can therefore judge them for it, that we lose sight of the truth.
Hi Albert,
This was a powerful article. I’ve long thought that we each live in our own worlds, even though we may be standing next to each other! You captured that thought beautifully here, and said it much better than I ever did.
Your point about any judgment means not being free is so true. I’ve written about not judging before, and again you said it better.
Thanks too for the link love. I am honoured to be featured on a blog of this quality.
@CopaX: Thanks
Reminds me of quote from a rap song (Coolio I think) – “Seeing is believing so you better check your specs!” Heheheh!
@ Daphne: Thank you so much. You write really well! I love your writing style.
Great post Albert.
I’d like to share a phrase that helped me
personally. I hope it may assist others “Question everything and
keep on questioning everything until there are no questions”
Bit of a clumsy phrase yet it worked for me.
Byron Katie in her book “Loving What is” offers a simpler
version “Is that true?” Essentially questioning your thoughts.
Because the mind loves to think, label and judge, shining light on
your thoughts represents an ongoing challenge.
Honest and deep inner self-investigation helps dissolve illusions.
Having the compassion to see that many errors stem from the ego helps foster forgiveness.
This post will help many people – thank you for sharing it.
Hey Paul,
Thanks a lot. I’m a huge fan of Byron Katie too, I find her method the best way of shining light on our thoughts, as you said.
This post actually partially evolved out of my explorations with that – I noticed that many times I blocked inquiry because I refused to see how they could also be right, or look at things from their point of view (or maybe I was too angry to).
Thanks for your comment, it’s good to have you here.
Judgement is a tricky one I think.
E.g. judgements aren’t healthy is a judgement.
My guess is that our intention in judging judgement is to move to the place where we can respond creatively to our experience.
What do you think? Evan
Anthony DeMello said:
We see things not as they are, but as we are.
This is really what it is all about. This is where true compassion develops. Everyone started out as an innocent baby, such perfection. Between then and now, from the years they were helpless and dependent to the years they were trying to define themselves as adults, they have soaked up their surroundings, their experiences, their relationships, their hopes, their fears, their tragedy’s their triumphs. They have defined themselves based upon so many variables. And these variables can vary so greatly, across the whole spectrum, for each and every one of us. Can we not look at someone and see, that they were perfect? And wonder, what they have endured, just to be here. We see such a great difference between our child and every other child, between a tragedy that befalls us, and a tragedy that befalls another. Is there really such a difference? Why do we call relatives, relatives? Because they are relative to us, related to us. IT IS ONLY RELATIVE!
The same life, the same consciousness that looks through your eyes, looks through everyone’s eyes. But, what it sees is relatively different. Different people, different surroundings, different influences, it stores different memories. It builds a different story, and sees a different image in the mirror. It is treated differently by others. And so it develops an identity and becomes a stranger to the rest, separate and quite different. Now, it becomes possible for life to turn on itself. To make an enemy of itself. It becomes possible for the snake to bite its own tail. Life can look in the mirror and lash out at what it see’s, because it has lost all recognition. It doesn’t see itself in others, it only see’s abstractions, and expendable identities. That’s why this type of practice is important, to remember something we forgot.
Lastly, something to remember when judging yourself or another, from Eckhart Tolle:
Do you carry feelings of guilt about something you did–or failed to do–in the past?
This much is certain: you acted according to your level of consciousness or rather
unconsciousness at that time. If you had been more aware, more conscious, you
would have acted differently.
@ Evan: That’s a good one, I’ve never thought of it. This post, I was wavering between two points – being judgemental (towards people, mostly) and walking in their shoes.
I’m not sure what will happen if we apply it to concepts, although the results will certainly be interesting – what if we stop judging good and bad for instance? (Not something AS good or bad, but good and bad themselves!)
@ JJP: Thanks again bro! It’s always good to have you here.
Comprehensive post and really helpful. The non-judgement and lettine go is the sutra of any authentic spiritual practice.
Oh yes, there are 6 million world because we our ego creates unique world which fit to itself. It filters the observation and twist the interpretation.
I like the way you explain non-judgment. This should be applied all the time to avoid conflict because people now tends to judge other people at “first sight”. And love of course is the final stage of every endeavor.
@ The Journey Within: Thanks so much for your comment. I’ve been lurking on your blog but haven’t commented as I don’t have any of those accounts in that little drop down thing
@ RG: Thank you!
Excellent post! We all need empathy and non-judgement to maintain our sanity.
Another idea is to think about what you have in common with the other person. At the most basic level, you can see that the other person is human. You may be able to see that the person can be carried away by emotions just like you. The more you can find in common, the more you see the person as you.
Nice insightful article! I think we as creatures judge instinctively…somewhat of a self-preservation thing. To judge harshly is often just a way to hide our own flaws and insecurities from others…or even from ourselves perhaps. I think true mastery is learning to exercise dominion over our human and carnal weaknesses and desires. “Can’t we all just get along!” haha
if only all people understood this
@ Roger: That’s a great addition! I think the key is in the last few words – “that person as you”. That is true on so many levels, especially in Carl Jung’s shadow.
@ Eric: Thanks! I think it’s a self-preservation thing too. But strangely it has the opposite effect and hurts us more.
@ Gerardo: Thank you!
Hi Albert and wow! You could not have said this better and I have to say thank you for bringing this to light.
I felt it, I knew it, but you know how it is sometimes when you can’t quite verbalize it until you hear it from another person.
This is so true! We all have our own outlook on reality and the perceptions that go along with that and then we take it so personally when others cannot relate.
There is such great growth that can result on the inner plane from really taking this info to heart and living it out each day – thank you!
Thanks for this post. Like I hear you saying (purely in my own experience), one great way to get clarity around the anger we may feel at others is to remind ourselves that every thought or feeling we have is a product of our own unique perspective. For instance, rather than saying to ourselves, “he insulted me,” we could try telling ourselves “when he said that, I experienced it as an insult.” This is a great way to remind ourselves that it’s the lens through which we view the world, not the world itself, that creates our feelings, judgments, reactions and so on.
@ Evita: Thanks! I’m really glad you liked it, and glad to have you here too
@ Chris: Hey buddy. That is a great addition, thank you.
Your article tends to set a revolution of the mindset and the way we perceive things. Every action is actually influenced by our suroundings and to a great extent to our experiences in handling them
Thank you goacom!
Great article. I enjoyed the thought provoking content.
Thanks Johnathan!
What a great blog and beautiful article – Thank you so much. Today, the “self-forgiveness” section jumped out at me. We’re all so told to forgive others in order to “move on” and yet it’s always US we blame for everything “bad,” and us we cannot thank for everything “good.” Sincerely, Rori Raye
Hey Rori, thanks heaps! Self-forgiveness is truly the most important thing in our lives – according to some spiritual traditions, it’s all we need
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