The next time we are with our lover or our child, there is a question we can ask ourselves – how do we truly love them?
The next time we look at ourselves, our past, we can ask – how do I truly heal, how do I truly grow and move on?
What strange questions! The foundations of loving, healing and nurturing are simple: gentle attention and non-judgemental acceptance. Yet how many of us can give them; how many of us know how it feels to receive them? Without exaggeration – not many. It was only recently that I experienced it for the very first time.
Unconditional acceptance isn’t a technique but a mindful, giving, state of being. Our focus is gently and lovingly on the other, giving them the gift of simply letting them be who they are. And for the first time in perhaps their entire lives, they are finally in an environment free of all burdens and judgements. No more hiding. No more chopping and pruning their emotions, beliefs, and past. No more fear and shame.
The psychologist David Richo
Best of all – this is the first, and sometimes only, requirement in deep emotional healing. The psychotherapist William DeFoore
Recently, I’ve discovered the same thing – so many wounds had gone unhealed inside me, stuck beyond a certain point, simply because I could not find true unconditional acceptance anywhere. When I learnt to give it to myself, things shifted very quickly, in one of the most powerful forms of self-work I’ve found – sub-personalities, the shadow, and the inner child (yes, the inner child! 
). This work will be detailed in an upcoming series, and this is to prepare for that.
How exactly do we give unconditional acceptance? In my experience, it involves the following elements:
Please don’t trivialise these points. They might seem common-sense, but except for some gifted therapists, I have not seen many who can actually do them all. Let’s analyse them in more detail.
Really listening to someone means giving them your full, gentle, focus. A father might say he cares for his children, but when his child is speaking to him, he might be watching the television out of the corner of his eye. He might tell his little girl to come back when he is done polishing his car.
And no matter how sweetly and gently he says to her afterwards – What is the matter, honey? – the real message is clear. She is invisible; she does not matter. This is one of the most painful emotional wounds one can sustain.
True listening is hardest when what they have to say is painful. Imagine if your close friend said you are always inconsiderate and selfish. How many of us can listen to this without getting defensive, firing back in anger, or immediately discounting it?
Naturally, if the person is being abusive, protect yourself. But in other cases, can we stay open and listen? A good thing to do is to see that they have a right to their opinion – and they might have a good reason for thinking of us this way. Those closest to us see our denied and disowned parts very clearly.
That is their gift to us, for they are helping us reclaim these denied parts, helping us become whole again. Could we look honestly at our actions and see how they could have formed this opinion? Remember that each criticism that hurts us reveals to us a wound that is calling out for our love and attention.
It is a strange fact of life that we often talk to strangers more politely than we do those we are close to. Nathaniel Branden gives a strikingly true example: if we had a guest in our house, and he spills a drink on the carpet, how would we react?
Even if we got upset, we would still hide it and do our best to be polite. Now, what if someone in the family did the same thing? Many of us won’t bother to hide our irritation. We might call them clumsy or stupid, or even punish them. Again, this need not be obvious. I often see parents talking about a young child as if he was not there. This can be very damaging to a fragile mind.
Could we see that those closest to us, that we claim to love, deserve the most respect – and that we don’t always give it to them?
Please be honest, for this is a painful thing to see in ourselves. We have all used ridicule, emotional or even physical violence to control and manipulate those we claim to love. Perhaps it is time to show respect for his or her dignity as a human being.
To stop this article from being too long, I’ll leave the rest of the points for the next article – they are all related.
The first link goes to Jarrod of Warrior Development. A very unique and enjoyable approach to personal development – whether or not you’re a martial artist. A recent post: Step Back from Busy-ness.
The second goes to Alex of Spiritual Blog. He covers topics ranging from love and relationships to the metaphysical. A recent post you might like: The Secrets of Conscious Living.
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I find that when I accept someone and give them full attention I get into a zone where not only do I feel like I am taking in their information but also fully giving myself to them. It makes me feel very happy.
Thanks for the unconditional like love
It’s strange isn’t it? That giving actually does make us feel happier? Heh heh!
You are right. Really really listening is not so easy. We have to listen without any filters as well. It is about not pre-judging and to listen with an open heart. Somehow it is always easier to do that with a friend but with a loved one, we get clouded by our pre-conceived perceptions.
Letting other be who they really are through unconditional love helps us to find / realize who we really are.
Thanks for the Richo, Branden, DeFoore references. I’ll be checking out their writings.
And thank you too for this post. I’m looking forward to the next ones.
@ Evelyn: Definitely. It’s sad that the closer we get to someone the more our emotions and other internal stuff cloud things – and get in the way of really being with them.
@ Laurie: Thank you for stopping by! I love those three authors, hope you get some value out of their books
That spilling a drink example was quite striking, Albert.
Unconditional acceptance is a huge key for sure. It’s something I’ve been going through as well.
I’ve found the more I can face and be willing to sit with my own darkness, the more I can accept ALL of myself, the more naturally I find I accept others as well.
But it first starts with me. In a sense, it always does…
Hi Albert,
Unconditional love is one of my favorite topics because it is so powerful.
I never knew about unconditional love until seven years ago and I then realized that for most of my life I was loved conditionally and that helped me to make peace with certain parts of my life.
The best thing a person can do to another is to love them unconditionally which may be hard because the ego will resist. However, I really believe in the concept of treating others the way that you wanted to be treated. So I want others to love me unconditionally, then I have to do the same to them. Sometimes it is easy and sometimes it is hard. But oh well…that is the nature of life. We are all learning!
This is a great one Albert. Even people who think they have it all together can miss the fine points of this one. One thing to remember is that this goes hand in hand with awareness. We can get the message, but if we’re not very aware, we will miss the opportunity. And being at home around our loved ones sometimes puts us in a lax state of unawareness. This reminds me of the saying:”You always hurt the ones you love.” If we can take this lesson to heart, we won’t make that mistake.
Thanks for another great one Albert.
“Our focus is gently and lovingly on the other, giving them the gift of simply letting them be who they are.”
I love this sentence, Albert. You’ve summed up what acceptance means for me. It is truly a gift, and one that money cannot buy. I have lately received this gift and am grateful. I will try to give it more.
Very meaningful post.
@ Ariel: Definitely! Just like you said, I’ve been using this in certain visualisations to disowned and neglected parts of myself, and the freedom that results is incredible.
I think Jung said something like – I’d rather be whole than be perfect. Or something like that.
@ Nadia: You know people always tell me one thing – that love is the opposite of money. The more you spend it, the more you have!
@ John: Thanks for that! Yes, being aware and mindful is a vital part of this. Otherwise all our internal mess contaminates our actions. Brilliant.
@ Daphne: Thank you
I agree with you a 100% – material gifts pale in comparison. That statement was actually in the article but I cut it out because I wasn’t sure if it was just me.
I like your points 4 and 5:
“4. Not giving advice until the right time.
5. Not trying to change or manipulate them.”
They seem slightly contradictory since I may give advice to change somebody. I think you have to be very honest with yourself about why you want to give advice. Is the advice in his best interest, your best interest, or both?
Roger makes a great point about giving advice.
Why is it that I always find that I’m the hardest person to love without conditions?
So true about the listening stuff. I’ve been working on being a good listener for many years. So many people never even bother to try in the first place, and that’s really sad. I’ll have to link to this
Hi, Albert, this is a great blog!
I love the magic of unconditional love! I think it’s what occurs naturally when we see God reflected in others.
Thanks for the beautiful post!
@ Roger: Good point! I didn’t think of that. This post was written with a slight parenting / counseling perspective, otherwise I would have left out the whole advice thing altogether. Usually in adult friendships I try not to give advice unless it was asked for. I don’t always succeed though
@ CarolynB: Hell yes!! That was what I’ve found too. Please stick around for the next series, which goes right into this issue. I’m very excited about it
@ SR: Thanks, I appreciate the future link!
@Michael: Thanks for stopping by! I love the way you describe it.
Thanks for the link Albert.
Giving someone space and awareness is one of the most powerful things we can do. Therapists who attempt to “fix” people often fail to succeed when the ingredients of awareness and unconditional presence are missing. Personal growth is blocked off from happening when we’re not in touch with that consciousness.
This post illuminates the heart of where the essence of change and growth come from and how we can facilitate it from that place of presence and acceptance.
Thank Albert for this fantastic article.
Unconditional love is the key to happiness and freedom, and I feel, the best beginning point is always from oneself.
A great reminding!
Love.
My last blog: Best Spiritual Teachers
Very nice and very different article you wrote. Love is really the most important thing in this world. I read on some other blog and ignoring your partner for some time in a day can also increase love. Don’t know if it is true or not.
@ Alex: That is a beautiful way of putting it!
@ The Journey Within: Thank you. It’s always nice to have you here.
@ James: Hmm… it might increase attachment but I don’t know if it will increase true love
I am one of the very priveleged. I have experienced unconditional acceptance from others several times in my life. This has enabled me to give it to others too (this is a profoundly nourishing experience for me as well – however difficult the stuff that the other person reveals).
Fixing stuff is usually a mistake. Later when deep communication is established we can move on to looking for solutioins. Fixing is usually an attempt to fake a relationship – it doesn’t work and wouldn’t be desirable even if it did.
Thanks for a great post once again.
Hi Evan – it truly is a great experience for both parties involved, isn’t it?
I agree that trying to fix stuff is a mistake in general, but I’m struggling with that in the context of parent-child relationships (or in my case, nephews). Obviously some guidance would be needed from the older person, but I think it’s a matter of timing – coming like you said after a stage of healing/communication. What do you think? It’s quite a complex thing.
I think the important thing with kids is that the adults can give a reason. It may be personal preference (eg. I’ve got a headache and can’t stand you screaming right now) rather than “rational and reasonable”. This gives the child a sense of choice and agency I think – and means they don’t have to relate to adults as only arbitrary authority figures.
The other thing with kids I think is to work for a relationship where it is fun for all involved (at least at times).
These are my thoughts from my observations. Hope they make sense.
Thanks Evan! Good stuff.
Hi Albert – I like the part about listening. Too often we’re distracted by other things and don’t “hear” what is really being said. It’s when we focus on the other person we learn more about them and their thoughts not just by the words they say, but their body language, as well.
Hey Barbara, thanks! I’ve read a beautiful quote once, although I can’t remember the exact words: “By giving them our complete attention, we are for once, two human beings in love.”
Hi Albert,
Very well said. One of the difficulties is that this stuff may make complete sense when we read or talk about it, but we can quickly forget about it in daily living. Acceptance I think is difficult because with acceptance we feel we are locking in a reality we don’t like. It’s only with experience that I understood what acceptance really means. In the end, it’s all about Awareness. Awareness does the job by itself, and ‘heart’ techniques like acceptance and gratitude smooths out the daily travails.
Thanks for you as-usual eloquence.
k
I had such a difficult time accepting my sons-in-law. All the time thinking they had the problem! Ha!
Now I know they don’t need to change a thing to be loved by me.
A wise friend told me all unasked for advice is verbal abuse. That makes it very clear, eh?
So now I ask anyone I’m tempted to give my unasked for advice or opinion to, “Do you want me to just listen or do you want my opinion or advice?”
I bet you know their answer!
@ Kaushik: Beautiful stuff. I was just at your blog, and you’re off to a fantastic start!
@ Tess: Heh heh! I know what you mean. It’s kinda painful but funny in a way too, whenever I look at someone I used to blame and realise I was being just as much, if not more, of a %$@%^ than they were.
Thanks for your comments, K and Tess!
I would say that unconditional acceptance has been a challenge for me. Yet with practice and patience and daily meditation, I have grown into a place where this is now possible. I still have lessons to learn about unconditional acceptance but from here at least I can see the sky.
Nick
Hi Nick, you raise a very good point. One of the key things to getting to unconditional acceptance is self-work and meditation. Beautiful stuff!
Unconditional love is the foundation of true productivity.
Loved this one.
Stumbled.
Hey M&A – good to have you here
Hi Albert
I’ve just read this article for the third time. It has so much important information, very clearly demonstrated and explained.
But beyond the information is the heartfelt, gentle manner in which it is told. And that’s where the messages really come across.
@Tess
I have found that if I have a problem with someone else, inevitably the problem is within myself. People that upset me are great teachers.
True acceptance, I believe can only come once we’ve learned to truly accept ourselves. That’s been my experience.
When I accept myself, I’m more able to concentrate on being understanding in any situation then understood.
Like when someone spills a drink on my carpet, I’ve accepted myself as someone who makes mistakes, therefor I’m able to put myself in their shoes, understand what they might be going through, and be more understanding.
Thank you so much Barbara – you’ve really encouraged me
Jared – great insight!
I just had to add I’ve enjoyed the comments as much as the article. Everyone is so honest about their humaness!
Hey Tess, definitely!
I’ve been thinking with closing my comments due to all the spam, but these readers really persuade me otherwise!
Albert, I, for one, hope you never close your comments. I know that spam can be a big problem. The comments of readers adds so much more to the article. The discussions are great.
My sister, years ago, taught me about giving advise. Even when she asked for it, she never wanted it. She resented me for having the answers and I resented her for not following my advise. Answer to the problem, just listen; don’t give advise; no resentment on either side. If you are thinking about the advise you will give, you aren’t truly listening or giving the other person you full attention.
My teenagers taught me about respect. By watching the way they related to their dad, I realized they were doing what I had taught them. I told them that their dad deserved to be respected rather than abused by their lack of respect. When my actions followed my words and I started treating my husband with respect, the kids did too after awhile. Teaching by example is much more important than just telling someone something.
We can’t truly love anyone else until we learn to love ourselves. I look forward to reading your next series of articles.
@ Patricia: I really know what you mean. It’s one of the reasons I keep trudging through the endless amounts of spam (do you know how clever they’re getting?). It’s because of comments like yours and the others that I do let through – they’re really amazing.
Can I ask you a question? You bring up exactly what I’ve been struggling with. You realise, just like I did, that most of the time giving advise doesn’t work.
But you also have kids, and sometimes kids have to be taught certain things (well, I believe so at least, that might be my bias), such as no drugs, etc. How do you reconcile the two?
My kids are both adults in their early 30′s right now. The hardest part of being a parent whether your kids are very young or adults is letting them make their own mistakes in life. The best way to teach your kids what you want them to learn is to live what you teach in your own life.
Most of the time, my daughter just wants someone to listen to her while she sorts out her problems. My son is more the silent type who doesn’t share much of what is going on. I have learned to wait for them to come to me and ask for my support.
Being raised as a caretaker in my family of origin, I had to learn with my husband and children that they were better off with me not stepping in and taking control of everything and trying to fix situations and people that weren’t mine to fix. I wasn’t an overnight success at doing this. It was a long and drawn out process for me. In the end, I figured out that the best thing I could do as a parent was to listen and offer emotional support when asked.
I don’t know if I answered your question or not.
Hey Patricia, definitely, that was a good and detailed answer. Thanks!
The steps you provide for unconditional acceptance might look easy but they are not simple.
I retired from working as a therapist 2 years ago and I believe I was gifted as one.
However I’m currently in therapy with one of my adult duaghters practicing these exact steps.
It’s all together different in our own families where we are human like everyone else!
Just when we think we have them down someone will come into our lives and challenge us. We’re all here to learn them on a deeper and deeper level until we die.
There was only one Mother Teresa!
Tess, thanks again for your support. It really validates what I’ve experienced – that such experiences are rare, even from ourselves, but when we do feel it, the changes are stunning.
On the subject of giving advice. I’ve learned that attraction rather than promotion works the best. When someone comes to me and asks “how” I’ve achieved a certain level of serenity or handled a situation their open to new ideas. It seems they have to realize, like I did, that my way wasn’t working.
With that said, you have to have something to give away. Others will see a change in you long before you see it yourself.
Last summer my wife and I were visiting my step-son and his wife in a house they recently bought. I had big plans later that afternoon of lying by our pool back at home and reading. My wife, out of nowhere, offered our services for the afternoon to help them paint their house. I felt resentment swell up inside myself so I went outside to pray about it in my own way. I came to the conclusion that many years from now, am I going to remember the day lying by the pool doing nothing or the day we helped my step-son paint his house? I was grateful to be of service.
Moments later while I was still outside, my sister called. She was going through a divorce at the time and was really struggling. She asked me how I prayed and how I’ve come to such a peaceful place in my life. (believe me, I hadn’t always been that way)
Long story short… (too late right?) As I said, I have to have something to give away. Just like myself, I had to get to a place where I was willing to try something different, where the pain of doing the same thing outweighed the fear of trying something different. I didn’t seek advice necessarily as I looked for someone with experience. I found someone that had something I wanted (a way to match calamity with serenity) and asked them to show me how they got there.
Hey Jared, that is a wonderful description. It reminds me of something a friend told me once about not “forcing” meditation/self-help on people (I think we all go through a stage where we go ‘oh self-help is wonderful’ and try to convert everyone around us.) He said instead of being a door to door salesman, we just open a shop and keep the doors open for them to come in.
Thanks for that brilliant comment.
Accept my gratitude for all your articles and resources.
Its such a privalage to have access to such valuable wisdom. Great work keep it up, we need it. I like that along with your articles you provide links to other people’s work. I am struggling hard to accept myself and overcome my fears. I am scared and buried under guilt and shame. Over activated left brain. It really helps to read and identity and figure out i am not alone, my problems loose thier power over me when i realise how comman they are. Thanks and love.
@Mr Truth
I know how you feel. Buried by the realization I’m not the person I thought I was. Crippling guilt and remorse for good intentions but failed actions. I’ve been there.
I had to get to a place of complete surrender. Where the pain of doing the same thing finally outweighed the fear of trying something different.
I’ve learned I’m as sick as my secrets. It’s a cliche’ but so true in my case. I was sure for so long that I could do it on my own, who knows, I may have been able to. But the thing is, I don’t have to.
Mr. Truth and Jared, thank you so much for that. Good luck with everything, and let us know how it all goes.
Your posts are always truly amazing and your wisdom is inspiring.
I have two children myself and your comments about listening hit home with me. I love my children, but my distractions with improving our lives do interfere our communication.
Between work, military, and life, I don’t get to spend a lot of time with my kids. The time I do spend with them I don’t give them my full attention (not TV, but computer).
I thank you for this post and have decided that the limited time I have to spend with my children will now be 100% focused on them.
Shannon
Shannon, that is a really big compliment, thank you so much. I’m really happy I made such a difference. Thanks again, I’m really humbled by it.
Simply wonderful! Thanks for all you do. Love and light.
Thank you Geraldine
Good to have you here.
Thank you for this beautiful article.
You’re very welcome Char, glad you enjoyed it!
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