Part 1: Acceptance and Attention – The Basis of Unconditional Love and Nurturing
If we are alert enough, we’ll notice that we are always on guard. We watch our words; we watch our actions; we don’t express our beliefs. We can’t admit to ourselves that we are afraid, that we are angry, or hurt. We deny our desires and fantasies. We try to forget our past, pretend that it never happened.
And so, even when we are alone, we cut off and deny entire portions of our inner life – every waking moment of our lives. This has become so natural to us that we are not even aware of it.
But have we ever stopped to see what we are really doing? Our thoughts and beliefs are as much a part of us as our bodies are – if not more so! When we deny and repress them, what are we doing? We’re cutting, trimming, and breaking ourselves, just so we can fit into a metal box, just so we can feel safer, more acceptable. As Nathaniel Branden puts it – we spend our entire lives alienated from ourselves.
So there is a gift we can give to our loved ones – our total, unconditional, acceptance. Try it. Just listen; just watch, while holding non-judgemental compassion in your hearts. Give them the space and acceptance to be who they are, let them express everything they’ve held back. Let them show their vulnerability, sadness, anger, and spitefulness. Let them state their beliefs, even those that make us uncomfortable, those that go against everything we stand for – even our religious and political beliefs.
And slowly, you will see them let their guards down. They begin to climb out of their prison, uncramping themselves, healing themselves. Slowly, over the weeks and months, they feel safe enough to get in touch with themselves – they become truly human. How can there be true love otherwise? All other affection is plastic, fake – wasted on the prison they are hiding in.
The most prominent constraint would be the one we construct around our feelings. Take sadness as an example; many people cannot show a natural range. My entire life, I have forced my grief down. Others have judged me too many times – silently or overtly – as somehow broken or useless for the simple act of being sad. Gradually, I began to judge myself the same way, even when I was by myself – I hated any sign of weakness, any sign that I was less than a rock. And so it began to pile up until one day I collapsed from the strain of it, becoming an empty shell, a parody of who I used to be.
The long depression began to lift when I simply let myself be sad. That was all I needed for change to begin. I let myself do things I had never allowed myself to do. I curled up on the floor and cried. I admitted to myself how hurt I really was, that I felt rejected, cast aside, humiliated, and spat on. I dropped my pretence, even if it was just for me.
How many people can simply let a grieving friend grieve? How many have told them to put their chin up, to face the world with a smile? Others might have been blunter – stop being such a wimp, they might say. Stop whining. Certainly, some may have the best intentions. But they are unaware that they are devaluing a vital, core, part of the very person they are trying to help.
I remember, a long time ago, a personal discussion with a friend. She had been put through events that were many times worse than anything I had experienced. When she asked me why I had been depressed, I felt almost ashamed in telling her – I thought my reasons were petty and insignificant, and many others had implied the same.
But her reply was new to me. She told me she would never trivialise my pain, that it must have been horrible for me, and that it was just as valid a reason as hers. I remember how those few words made me feel. That was the moment I understood why Nathaniel Branden calls visibility one of the most important ingredients in self-esteem and happiness. How can we be truly human, if nobody accepts such a basic part of who we are?
What about the rest of one’s inner life – thoughts and beliefs, desires and fantasies, even likes and dislikes? Just like our feelings, we might have been attacked, humiliated, or made to feel wrong for them.
And once again, we have internalised these critics, and cut off an entire part of ourselves. These can be major – religious beliefs, for example – but not always. I remember when I was about twelve, and I saved up enough to buy a new CD for myself. I was excited, and showed it to an adult I looked up to. He took a glance and said, “What kind of idiot listens to that?” And for a long time afterwards, I always felt somehow stupid simply because I liked a genre of music he didn’t.
Can we let our loved ones express themselves healthily and safely? Can we let them express their beliefs, even if it clashes with our own? Can we allow them completely to be as they are?
Give your loved one the gift of visibility. It is simple, but not always easy – just acknowledge who they are, what they are going through, with empathy and respect.
To close off this article, and in preparation for Part 3, please remember we are discussing unconditional acceptance and respect for all involved. This includes you, and never means we abandon self-protection, self-respect, or ethical action. We can accept someone’s anger and still restrain them if they get violent. We can accept someone’s depression and still restrain them if they attempt to hurt themselves.
Recommended Reading: Setting Personal Boundaries.
The first link goes to Love to Spare, by Michael Scott. I support a blog about love, and a blogger with dreadlocks, on sheer principle. 
Another blog I really enjoy is Happy Lotus, by the lovely Nadia. An eastern influenced blog on the ultimate goal: happiness.
And a hello to all ZenHabits readers. 
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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33 Comments
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This is a lovely post! I agree that all of our pain is valid and deserving of respect and attention, that no one can say “my pain is greater or worse than yours,” and that compassion should not be meted out according to how deep people’s scars are. By the same token, and on the plus side, our happy feelings and good ideas are to be celebrated as amazing because they are unique to us — even if someone else has had similar experiences or ideas and deems ours less worthy of excitement by comparison. I think there is no comparison for our great pains and pleasures. Thanks for such a thought-provoking, moving post!
We can accept someone’s anger and still restrain them if they get violent. We can accept someone’s depression and still restrain them if they attempt to hurt themselves.
Doesn’t this mean that we are forcing our own prejudices and moral values onto someone else?
Nice ,Albert. Very nice. And very very well written. Focussed and clear. Your writing like a guru. I love the self assured voice and depth. Good stuff
Keep going.
Blessing and warmest wishes.
Thank you very much Shanel, Solomon, and Uzma!
Solomon, I know what you mean. That statement is probably me imposing my prejudices on my writing, heh heh. No matter how much I accept someone I think I will stop them from trying to hurt me, or if they try to kill themselves.
Nicely said: personal and warm. I wrote about your artcle in my blog:
Over on Urban Monk, Albert writes about Acceptance. My turn-around started when with the complete acceptance of depression and anxiety. At that time, the acceptance came not from wisdom, but from sheer exhaustion. I was tired of the struggle. The letting go of all judgment about depression, suddenly and unexpectedly brought about the change that had eluded me in my struggle.
I think this gets right down to the heart of what everyone needs -to feel accepted and valued as a person. Only when we are free to feel our pain, and when we feel safe enough to share our pain, do we begin to heal.
I have been struggling with becoming a better listener, because I believe that is the essence of true friendship.
A true friend will listen without judgment, and I think that is what we all need. More listening, less judgment. By doing that, we enrich all of our relationships, and make the world a better place.
Kaushik and Jay – thank you for those comments.
@ all the commenters before as well: You know I’ve been thinking about closing the comments section because of the increasing spam I’ve been getting, but comments like yours and Kaushik’s and James’s really encourage me to keep comments open.
Hi Albert,
You said: “I support a blog about love, and a blogger with dreadlocks, on sheer principle.”
LOL! Thanks for the link love!
Likewise, I support a blog that helps readers to understand and practice unconditional love and acceptance!
Thank you for another great post.
Thank you for this honest and compassionate post. It speaks to giving and receiving unconditional love to oneself and others – a sweet reminder to be authentic to our true feelings and allow others to be authentic as well.
Love
Leilah
@ Michael: Thanks for the support
@ Leilah: I think authentic was the word I was looking for but couldn’t think of! Thanks
Hi Albert,
Thank you so much for mentioning my blog and the kind words. You are a lovely soul yourself.
As for the post, I agree with you on the importance of unconditional acceptance. I have always found it funny when people compare who has suffered more. Pain is pain and each person has their own level of tolerance. Each person’s pain is valid from their point of view.
I think when a person is at peace with themselves, then they are in a position to offer unconditional love and acceptance.
Conditionality (if there is such a word) is based on the feeling of wanting to control. An insecure person tries to control and a peaceful person does not.
BTW, thank you for being so open about how you have dealt with your feelings of sadness. Many can learn from what you wrote!
Albert,
Excellent advice!
It’s so hard to just listen and accept others without interference from our own ego. I find that the more I let go, the easier it is to do what you describe.
I also think seeing, accepting, and helping others makes the giver as happy as the receiver.
Right on, Albert. You know my pet peeve is the whole New Age phobia about letting onself and others feel anything that isn’t “positive.” Like, yikes, don’t be sad or angry, I might catch it and then the sky will fall…
@ Nadia: Thanks! You and Roger (below) raise wonderful points, that it does require self-work in order to give it. We have to reach a certain point in our own growth in order to not want their approval, or to try and change them, etc.
My professor was telling me that students at the official Jungian analyst school require at least 300 hours of self-work to graduate. I think everyone should do it
@ Roger: Thank you too. You raise another vital point – that strangely giving it feels just as good as receiving it.
@ Carolyn: Definitely. I’m still struggling with that on some level, hehe. Strangely, I’m fine with it in other people, but I can’t have anything “negative” inside myself. Still learning, heh.
Albert, Albert.
Yours words as always are profound and open horizons to some and remind others of their forgotten selves of love.
Don’t close comments.
We like to connect with you and share ideas.
Thank you for that compliment. I’ll try to keep the comments open for you hehe
Spam appears to be dying down now that I closed the Do Follow, so we’ll see how that goes.
I’m grateful for your writings right now.
Thanks Albert. I’ve also been thinking recently about how effective just reflecting the way others (including family, not just friends) are feeling back to them can be as a means of unconditionally accepting them — I’ve been finding Nonviolent Communication a wonderful guide to this practice.
@ Krista: I’m grateful for your comment
@ Chris: Hey buddy! Reflecting their feelings sounds like a great idea, I’ll have to try that next time
This so true, the profound act of acceptance has the ability to dissolve ours and others defenses. When we stop resisting what is we create the safety to be us and to allow others to be themselves. Love really does heal everything.
Heya ALbert.
Am bringing a thought forward , I had whilst reading Tina Su’s new post. This one is on the importance of meditation and awareness. I somehow think that if one gets into a regular meditation practise, issues begin to dissolve on their own, without much work, simply because we bring true awareness and simplicity into our lives. The mind is clear and still. The ego is being dissolved. However, then I see the importance of self work and removal of limiting beliefs.What do you think the benefits of a meditation practise are? Do you meditate? Does it help your self-work process.
Am bombarding you with questions. Hope thats fine
@ Noreen: Unconditional love is truly beautiful, isn’t it?
@ Uzma: Thanks for holding me in such high regard. Unfortunately I’ve had to establish a rule that I can’t answer non-related questions (to the article), or any that is too time-consuming. Sorry.
Ooopss. Sorry about that.
No no, nothing to apologise for. It’s a rule I put in just a few days ago
Albert;
A very belated hello and thank you for your intriguing posts.
You obviously enjoy a passionate readership and I just dropped by via the Personal Development list (on many sites – mine and others) to ensure this link is still valid.
I find Uzma’s insight right on the money…all of this work/play – personal development, increased awareness, growing spiritually – is all connected, isn’t it?
The more we explore and expand our awareness of our ‘true’ central selves the more the artifice falls away, perhaps because we are simply less concerned with it.
By giving the gift of unconditional love you speak of in your post, we allow others to do that work with support from the outside, rahter than with their own intentional exploration from the inside…a good start and just another angle…so very interesting.
Thanks again, Albert!
Shauna
Years ago, when I was feeling really horrible about a particular situation but was trying to make myself not feel it, I was fortunate to have a friend who told me it was fine to allow myself to experience the pain. His saying that enabled me to get through the situation much easier (and quicker) than if I was to deny it. He was a good friend.
Thanks for the lovely post. I know from experience that what you say is true.
@ Shauna: That is a really heartfelt comment, and I’m glad to have you here. Thanks.
@ Laurie: Thank you as well! It’s amazing all the different ways we try to deny things, when all we have to do is to let it be.
Wow, Thanks Shauna.
As awareness creep in, like light, troubles fall away as then we see them for what they truly are .
Also, we stop judging people as we see them as connected to awareness, as being made of the same stuff , and coming from the same Source as we are.
So awareness , stillness, Oneness , does lead to total unconditional acceptance of others and self. Can’t say have gotten there, but am trying.
Hi Albert,
First up, this is wonderfully powerful writing. I know this probably isn’t what is most important to you – but it is a joy to read good (direct and simple and personal) writing.
Alexander Lowen once said that: We want contact while remaining in tact. I think he puts this well (I think he was kinesthetic and Brandon visual.)
Finally thankyou for taking on such an important topic and giving personal and practical advice about what to do with it.
Hey Evan, thank you for that. To be honest, I do appreciate that comment – I’ve been putting some extra time into making my articles flow, not content wise, but writing wise, and it feels good to have someone notice it.
Always good to have you here buddy!
Albert, I agree with Evan – this is a great piece of writing.
“And slowly, you will see them let their guards down. They begin to climb out of their prison, uncramping themselves, healing themselves”.
Beautiful. I am lucky enough to watch this every day in my work as a therapist – this is the heart of therapy for me, beyond all theories, real acceptance. Of course if we all loved each other in this way, and hence ourselves in this way, therapists wouldn’t be needed. Here’s to making myself redundant
Thanks for the post!
Hi Sarah, thank you for that heartfelt comment. I always enjoy hearing from mental health professionals as I am training to be one, and I often wonder if my material will be applicable in the same way once I start my career properly. So thanks for validating my path!
And sorry for the delay in reply, the server was giving me problems and I was trying to get it sorted.
Albert – I think you are most definitely on the right path!
Wishing you all the best in your training – can be a gruelling time!
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