Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Jay Schryer of Porsidan. Thanks Jay!
In cartoons, whenever a major character is facing a moral dilemma, two opposing figures sometimes pop up on their shoulders. There’s an angel, which represents the kind and loving thing to do, and there is the devil, which represents the greedy or selfish thing to do. Almost always, these two characters get into a fight with each other, but usually the character decides to “do the right thing,” and the devilish figure is defeated. In real life, we often find ourselves in a similar predicament: There is a “right” choice, and a “wrong” choice, and we must do what we feel is best. Even though we never have figures appear on our shoulders, we almost always have their corresponding voices in our minds.
That voice of the angel could be called your higher self, while the voice of the devil could be called your lower self. If you are serious about personal development and becoming the best person that you can be, you must learn to connect with your higher self. Only by consciously choosing to listen to your higher self (while simultaneously ignoring your lower self) can you become a better person. However, this isn’t always as easy as it seems. We get so caught up in living our lives that we rarely think about the moral implications of our choices. And even when we think about morals, we usually restrict our thoughts to “good” and “evil” But how many of our choices that we make really fit into those terms?
Instead of thinking about issues in terms of “good” and “evil”, or even “right” and “wrong”, I think it is much more useful to think in terms of “love” and “fear.” Even though most people tend to think that the opposite of love should be hate, this isn’t accurate. As Master Yoda taught us, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate…” If you sit down to think about that statement, you can test its validity for yourself. Of course, not all of anger comes from fear, but the overwhelming majority of it does. If you are honest with yourself, I think that you’ll find that most of the time, your anger has been a secondary emotion that came after your fear.
First, something scares you. You don’t like feeling afraid, and so you turn that fear into anger to protect yourself from feeling weak or cowardly. When we don’t express our anger, or when we allow it to fester inside our soul without releasing it, it becomes hatred. Therefore, the root of hatred is fear. In fact, I believe that fear is the root of all evil in the world. Most of our decisions (at least the truly important ones) can be summed up in the choice between love and fear.
The hardest decision that I ever had to make in my life was a custody decision for my child. After my divorce was finalized, I had won custody of my daughter, and she was living with me full time. I had a hundred reasons for keeping my daughter with me. I could rehash them here, but I won’t. All you really need to know is that most of those reasons were based in fear. I was afraid that my ex couldn’t provide the right kind of life for my daughter, and so I kept my daughter for myself.
My daughter was miserable living with me.
She missed her mom, and she cried herself to sleep nearly every night. I couldn’t find a job, and so money was incredibly tight. And even though I had the full support of my family and friends, and even though everyone felt like I was doing the right thing, I felt awful about it. Even though I hadn’t consciously come up with the “love vs. fear” polarity yet, on a subconscious level, I knew that I wasn’t doing the right thing. As it is said, if you love someone, let them go. Sometimes, we even have to do that with our children. After about six months, I knew that I had to let my daughter go live with her mom. It was simply the right thing to do.
My family hated the idea. My friends hated the idea. Everyone told me how crazy I was, and how stupid I was being. Everyone thought I was making a huge mistake. “You’ll never see her again” and “She’ll turn against you” were common things I heard. All of my external influences were dead-set against this decision. They were even aligned with my own lower self, who was screaming at me to keep my daughter with me.
It was all fear-based thinking. And it was all wrong. The only opposing viewpoint was my own higher self, which kindly and gently, but firmly, told me to let her go. That voice told me that if I truly loved my daughter, I had to let her go. I had to give her a chance to be happy, even if that chance wasn’t with me. Even though it hurt me (and still hurts me to this day…over 6 years later, honestly) I know that I made the right choice. My daughter is growing into a healthy, well-adjusted teenager. She makes good grades, and has a lot of friends. I’m closer to her than I ever was, and I’m closer to my ex, too. Even though we will never be “one big happy family” together, at least my daughter knows that she has the love and support of both parents, and that she is well protected and provided for.
It’s never easy to know what the right choice is when making important decisions. Our egos get in the way, and we can easily be overwhelmed by fear-based thinking. Many other people are controlled by fear, so they often give us advice that is rooted in fear, too. The only way to slice through all of that negativity is to focus on love, and to listen to your higher self. But how will you know which voice is truly coming from your higher self? Here are a few techniques that I use. Feel free to add more in the comments.
As I continue to grow and evolve into a kinder, gentler, more loving person, I find that it becomes easier and easier to connect with my higher self, and give my lower self the boot it deserves. I can honestly say that I have never regretted any decision that I made out of love, but I have regretted nearly every single one that I have based out of fear. It isn’t always easy to love people to the point that it causes you pain (learning to let them go), but it’s always the right decision.
Jay Schryer hopes to make the world a better place by sharing his unique thoughts and experiences in the realms of spirituality, love and relationships, and personal development at Porsidan (Persian for “to question”). He hopes that by sharing his personal triumphs and failures in these areas, he can help other people learn and grow.
“I hope that people find my blog to be both entertaining and thought-provoking. I blog about what works for me – as well as what doesn’t work – in the hopes that other people can learn from my experiences and mistakes. As I like to say, I don’t have any answers, but sometimes I ask the right questions. By asking these questions for yourself, maybe you can find the answers.” ~Jay Schryer
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Interesting post that has many good points!
For me, however, most fear is the result of a future threat and anger comes from feeling that my rights have been violated. I do agree that loving-kindness can help with anger.
I am sure when your daughter turns to maturity, she will be able to understand you more then before. You were right at that point of time. I appreciate you completely.
Have a great life ahead.. Full of Love..:)
What if you are married to someone for 26 years and you fall in love with someone else. It is the first time that you really ever felt in love with someone. You look back over the 26 years with your spouse and there was never really passion there. It was like having a best friend that you built your life with – 3 kids but you were never really in love and you never knew it because this is the only person you ever really dated growing up. But that spouse is in love with you and can’t seem to live without you. You try and leave (for one day)and your spouse and kids fall apart so you come back out of extreme guilt and also the fact that there is love for your spouse and kids because you can’t stand the thought of hurting them. You think about the life you had built together. How can you leave her after 26 years? You might be able to build passion even though it was never there in the first place. 4 months later, it is pleasant but no passion. You are going through counseling and also marriage counseling. Your personalities just don’t come together like the person that you fell in love with. You are still want to spend your time with the person that you fell in love with but it is just too difficult to leave.
Which is the higher path? Stay in the marriage and live out a passionless but pleasant life and not hurt the spouse and kids (who by the way are 24, 22, and 20 but are your best friends but were severely hurt when you left the first time) You are working on your marriage and trying to get some passion/intimacy but it is very doubtful since you hadn’t had it for the first 26 years.
Or is the higher path to go for your passion and leave….hurting your family, maybe even destroying your relationship with spouse and kids?
@Roger – That is a very good point, that anger comes when we feel our rights have been violated. I believe that is still a case of fear leading to anger, though. Sometimes, when our rights are violated, we fear that we are being taken advantage of, and that fear causes us to become angry. I don’t think this is the case ALL the time, just sometimes.
@Kris – That sounds like a very difficult position to find yourself in, and I don’t envy you the choice you will have to make. I’m not qualified to help you,and I will be the first to admit that sometimes there are no easy answers. Have you thought about talking with a trained professional? Sometimes, they can help you see things more clearly. I wish you all the best, and I’m truly sorry I’m not able to help you more than this.
A friend once told me that making the right choice was easy: if you have two options and one is harder than the other, the harder one is the right choice.
I’ve applied this many times in my life and while I realize it’s far from the only way (or in some cases the best way) to choose what to do, it has helped to point me in a more caring direction.
I enjoyed your post, Jay – thank you!
Hi Jay,
This was a very beautiful post. You are absolutely right about how the power of fear is what prevents us from making wise choices.
I have always said that the majority of the problems in the world are based in fear. The ego loves fear and thrives on it. I have found that making decisions from love is always better than making decisions out of fear.
Good for you for loving your daughter so much that you made the choice that was best for her. Not many people do that and it takes a lot of strength to go against what others are telling you to do.
BTW, Master Yoda rocks! I love that quote that you used!
Jay, as a former lawyer I can bear witness that’s a very uplifting testimony. Just let’s say I saw more troublesome divorces than I ever wanted.
I just have to chime in with my own agreement with the comments here. I’ve never said this to Jay in our emails discussing the post, but the personal testimony was extremely powerful.
@ Laurie – You are absolutely correct. Doing the right thing is almost never easy, so the harder choice is usually correct. Thank you for that additional wisdom!
@ Nadia, Miguel, and Albert – Thank you for your kind words and encouragement! I really appreciate it! I’m glad that you all found this to be a useful and encouraging post!
Kris,
My heart skipped a beat when I read your comment. You just described my situation to a T! With the exception that I’m the one that was left for the spouse and kids (it just happened last week and I’m absolutely heartbroken and so is he).
I’ve seen my love’s pain and held him in my arms as he cried about having to do this to me. My heart is broken for what we have lost, but it also breaks for him and the guilt he carries for doing this to me…I only want him to be happy – whether it’s with or without me (even though I would prefer with me!).
It’s such a difficult situation to be in and to know what is the best thing to…well, I don’t know that there is an easy answer. My heart goes out to you and the person that you love…your family too – this is hard on everyone. I will say that is is my opinion that if you have a good relationship with your children, they might be hurt at first, but you are their parent and they will always love you – no matter what. Not to mention, they will all grow up, leave and live their own lives and then where does that leave you?
The only thing getting me through this right now is my faith that everything will work out for the best for everyone involved – no matter what that means. If this means that he and I are never together, then I have to believe there is something even better for me…or at least that it’s for my highest good. I need to have faith in that or I don’t know how I’d get through this.
Life can be really hard, especially with tough decisions like Jay’s. I agree with everyone else. The story is what won me over. I am more willing to take someone’s advice when they have been through something similar.
It sounds like your daughter is thriving and that’s what you were hoping for.
Does she read your blog?
Excellent writing. I blog about similar topics at http://www.mylifeswork.org That must have been a difficult experience with your daughter. I have two daughters and being separated from them would indeed be rough. You are brave.
Jay, thanks for sharing your story here. It is touching! Although I never had a similar experience, my heart wrenched at the thought of what you had gone through.
I’m glad to know that you followed your instincts or the voice of your Higher Self. It’s wonderful that things have turned out much better than initially expected.
I love the message that you are sharing through your post. If we can only put aside our fears, things have a way of working themselves out. Sometimes beautifully too!
Abundance always,
Evelyn
Carol – Your comments are awesome and they really help. I have had plenty of crying over this with and without my spouse. At this point, I am going to take it one day at a time. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t envision a future right now. I never in a million years guessed that this would happen to me but it has… and I feel so bad for everyone involved. i just don’t know what to do or where to turn. I am seeing professional counseling but all it does is take me round and round and round. I found my way back into Love but all it is doing is driving me CRAZY. Thank YOU so much for your comments…..still searching
@Carol – Thank you for sharing a similar story to Kris from a different perspective. I think that you’ve captured the essence of loving someone unconditionally – that when you truly love someone, you want them to be happy…even if it’s without you.
@Karl – No, my daughter doesn’t read my blog. She’s 12, and my blog “isn’t cool”
@ Dennis – Thank you! I plan on checking out your blog as soon as I submit this!
@Evelyn – Thank you for sharing your kind words here. As you know, I am a huge fan of yours, and it’s always nice to hear from you!
Kris & Carol –
Carol, I’m coming from yet the 3rd perspective. My husband just left me for another woman after 30 years of marriage. Kris, I think you’re doing the right thing in that you’re staying and going thru counselling. I think if my husband had done that, we may have eventually split up, but I would have known that it was the best thing for both of us. As it is, I feel like he didn’t even care enough about our friendship to even try. Just be sure to get a therapist who feels good to both of you – one who is committed to the best outcome for both of you, whether it means staying in the marriage or not.
Kris,
Piece of advice (I talk from experience), no one person will help you to find who you are. Sometimes when we are attracted to another, although the person is married, it is because they remind us of who we would like to be or hope to be. The attraction fills the void but no human can fill the void. I know what you are feeling…trust me…I know but no one can make you feel whole except yourself.
I have seen people destroy marriages over an attraction, only to have the other relationship fizzle out for the same reason…the void is still there. Fall in love with yourself and do what you need to do to fill that void. You owe it to yourself to find inner peace and no one can do that for you but you. Counseling can help and there are loads of books out there too.
Yes Jay… love will set you free.
Well written.
@ Anne & Nadia – Thank you for sharing your insights. You’ve helped me understand the issue facing Kris and Carol, and I appreciate your wisdom. This is why I love blogging so much, because I always seem to learn more than I teach, and I love that!
@Marc and Angel – Thank you for your compliments! I really appreciate it!
Hi Jay,
I have a problem with ignoring a part of ourselves (even if it is called lower).
Anger is useful to make a break through and find what is unsatisfactory in a situation. If fear alerts us to danger, this seems an excellent thing to me.
Both anger and fear can have unhelpful expressions, but I don’t think this is a reason for them to get a bad press (after all music has some bad expression too and we don’t devalue it).
Hi there Jay – thankyou so much for sharing your story here – you have written a great example of how we can follow the guidance of our higher self (and I was most relieved to see that it is working out well!)
I love the way you were so perceptive about what was really going on inside you.
Jay, This is great stuff. The personal story about your daughter is deep. Your conclusion which describes knowing the difference is invaluable.
As Master Yoda taught us, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.”
Jay, I am glad to have discovered your post here through a comment on my blog by Albert which landed me on this website.
The personal story was inspiring and reminds me of the fact that it is in your moments of making the right decisions – which seem to be hard at the time – that your destiny is shaped.
@ Evan – I think you are right. I think that fear and anger definitely have their place in our lives. However, my point is that you shouldn’t use them as a guiding principle to make decisions. As you said, fear alerts us to danger, and that’s a good thing. But when we allow fear to control our thinking, then it becomes bad, and we have to overcome it.
@Robin, Stephen, and Sunny – I’m glad you all found this post to be useful. Thank you for your comments, and especially for your compliments. I’m glad that so many people have found my story to be inspiring, and I am so thankful to Albert for allowing me to share this on his site.
You’re welcome buddy! It’s a pleasure to have you here.
Thanks Jay for the clarification.
I understand now and completely agree.
Kris,
I feel as though you are coming from a place of fear. As long as you are you can not open yourself up to recieve the divine love which you deserve. Your thoughts are frantic and full of fear. You must understand that you can not make a life changing decision in this condition. You must have peace of mind before you move forward. Try to sit and empty your mind from the clutter of the day and past weeks for that matter. You need to just fill yourself with love. Try to feel peace come over you and enjoy that time. You need a break from this situation. Dont let it consume you. You need to remember to take care of yourself. Just relax and ask for divine guidance. That is where you will find the best advice really. But your prayers need to come from a place of peace and love. You are in my prayers and I pray that you recieve clear guidance on the situation. We sometimes need to reach out in order to clear the smoke that we have created with fear and replace it with love. Be Love
This is great stuff.
Reminds me of the concept that Steve Pavlina came up with…
http://www.stevepavlina.com/bl.....arization/
Thank you Jay for sharing your insight. My biggest obstacle is fear. From a young kid I’ve had fears that have held me back in many aspects of my life. As i get older my fear is becoming more and more destructive, if i don’t face up to fear, and overcome it, I’m at risk of becoming a person i do not want to be – angry, hateful and unhappy. This is already beginning to happen. Thank you for highlighting the issue and the importance of overcoming fear
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