Part 1: Acceptance and Attention – The Basis of Unconditional Love and Nurturing
Part 2: Unconditional Acceptance for Our Totality
My friend told me a story once, of how she fell for one man – a story that tells of the gentle miracle of total acceptance.
Before that, she was only dating him casually, undecided about her feelings. There was a long and stressful week in particular, and at the end of it she was storming around in his room, yelling and venting her anger at everything in sight. She suddenly stopped when she noticed what he had been doing.
He had been silent the whole time, watching her with a soft expression in his eyes, a very slight hint of a smile on his lips. She told me she felt her anger rise even more and demanded to know – was he laughing at her anger?
He remained silent for a few seconds, and told her that she was so beautiful when she was angry. She told me her anger melted away immediately, replaced by a feeling she’s never had before. Other men had told her she was beautiful, but only when she was dressed up, made up, prim and proper. Those same men, like most of us, saw anger as crude and nasty – but that man accepted her even then. Even then, she repeated with a sigh as she finished her story.
Image Credit: Little Gold Woman
We have previously discussed the nature of unconditional, non-judgemental, attention. This article covers some of the obstacles that can get in the way.
Practice; be mindful. Make it a habit, the next time you are with a loved one, to ask yourself – what is going inside me? Can you see these impulses when they arise, and let them fall away again without acting on them?
The first impulse to catch is the desire to give our opinions and advice. We all secretly think we have a hold on the truth. Everyone should be like us, we think. We have all the answers, the right way to behave, the right way to be.
Imagine an upset spouse telling you of failed job interview; how many of us would project our values, our skills, our life onto them?
“See now – that was the wrong thing to say… You should have said… If I was in your shoes, I would have practiced my interview skills more…”
We do this with the best intentions; but can we detect the subtle, unintended insult? Can we see the pride we are acting from; how we are adding another layer to their existing pain – that they now also feel stupid, petty, or unimportant?
In some cases, there might be advice that would be genuinely helpful. What if he fails his job interviews because of a huge mistake he was unaware of? Would you tell him, and when? There are no concrete rules. I don’t really know, and invite you to share your opinions.
In my experience, the best time to give advice is when you are asked for it. Just a gentle suggestion, only after they’ve been allowed to have their full experience. It also helps to ask yourself – why do you really want to give advice? Sometimes, it is out of a selfish desire, not genuine concern. These points will be further discussed below.
The next impulse: wanting them, or the situation, to be a certain way. These tendencies can be rather obvious. A friend comes to us for a shoulder to cry on, and we snap at them to leave us alone; a child is crying and his parents – frustrated and tired – simply tell him to shut up.
But subtle desires can cause just as much damage. Wanting someone’s affection and approval is common and innocent, but can you see the manipulative behaviour it can cause? How do we give our loving focus when our thoughts are occupied – trying to get them to think of us a certain way, wanting to coax a compliment from them? How do we listen when we are merely thinking about what to say when it is our turn to speak?
Sometimes it is the situation we are trying to change, no matter how senseless and futile it might be. Two lovers are out for a romantic evening, but they miss the movie because of heavy traffic. Disappointment is normal, but how would one feel if the other had snapped at her – “This is your fault! Why did you take so long in getting dressed?” What difference does it make now?
These tendencies can be very subtle; so pervasive that we are unaware of them. David Richo gives a striking example of this, a statement he heard once – this baby will save our marriage. How painful it is, to have expectations placed on us even before we are born!
And the last impulse: making our judgements known. Not judging at all is impossible; but we can keep them to ourselves. If we are not careful, these judgements creep into even our most mundane interactions, faster than we can catch them. A boy spends the entire afternoon writing a song to go with his new guitar. His father comes in and points out a grammar mistake, or casually mentions how he learnt the guitar in half the time.
Be very alert for this tendency, for it is hard to hide. How would someone feel, if they were crying, and they saw a half-disguised expression on your face that said – I wouldn’t have gotten upset over something that petty!
This pain is made worse when we are judged on something we cannot change. As an example, why does racial discrimination hurt more than being judged for our clothes, our job, or our social status? I don’t know, but just perhaps – it is because our race is an immutable, intrinsic part of who we are, just like our feelings, our most private beliefs.
Below is a quick list of common but often overlooked ways we judge a person. Read through the list and see what jumps out – or what you skip over automatically – for these are signs that it means something.( I left out emotions and beliefs as we have discussed them already.)
Can you free your loved ones to be who they are, to explore every aspect, positive or negative, without fear of condemnation?
This article was written with mundane, non-abusive, situations in mind. Please remember we are discussing unconditional acceptance and respect for all involved. This includes you, and never means we abandon self-protection, self-respect, or ethical action.
There is one final article in this series. Stay tuned!
The first goes to Sherri and Gwynn of Serene Journey, who have created a lovely retreat from the world. A recent post of theirs really ties into what we are discussing here: Emotional Bank Accounts.
The next is an old friend, Andrea Hess of Empowered Soul. I’ve enjoyed her short and yet packed posts for a very long time. A recent post that also ties in, in a slightly different way, to our topic: Empowering Relationships.
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29 Comments
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The best love I know is simply totally allowing another person’s energy into yours. Deep listening.
Of course, when you try to listen, when you try to not judge, then you’re not really listening and you’re expecting something.
Mature love is simply being – and allowing another’s being to permeate yours. Without expectations or protections.
One system of looking at protection is based on layers of fear which results in things like self destruction
Thanks for this post. What came up for me when you talked about the desire to manipulate others, and how that can get in the way of really being with someone, is how much our desire to manage others can teach us about ourselves. My practice now, if I start thinking “how do I get this person to like me” or something along those lines, is to ask: “what am I needing in this moment, and is it something I can give myself?” Can I like myself and fill the void that I’d otherwise try to “make” the other person fill?
Albert,
I loved the opening story. That is true acceptance and love. It reminds me of the guy in my life now – he said something similar, that I was cute when I was pouting or something like that. Hmm… maybe he’s a keeper!
@ Matthew: Thanks for that! I was wondering why you say that when we try to listen we’re not really listening?
@ Chris: Hey Buddy. That’s a good addition always, thanks!I’m finding the same thing, that I’m projecting my inner BS onto others a fair bit.
@ Daphne: All the girls I know love that story haha! Yea your guy sounds like he’s one to hang on to
Hey Albert. Great post.
What came up in my mind is how true this is. We put out our judgments onto others, all the time. Yet this is only our ego seeking to be right, seeking dominance and importance. For me, this is the best time to realize my own inner judgments,and limitations, that when expressed, cause problems. Indeed, expectations on others, are the best time, we can realize that maybe we need to accept ‘what is’. Best time to say, ‘why do I want this’, ‘what is this relationship lacking’ and as always,give what we want. If we want attention,give attention.Isn’t this unconditional love. To give,without expectations. To see the person for who they are without our projections and wish the best for them.
I don’t know about advise. For example, what if the interview could have gone better, if say the person has better communication skills. Would it be wrong to say that to them. Maybe not immediately but in time.
Sorry, that was me Uzma.
Great reminders, Albert. Acceptance is so very difficult for us. The mind thinks that with acceptance, it is giving up the opportunity to control and change. It is locking in a reality it doesn’t like. My experience has been that with expanding awareness, and releasing our own conditioning, we begin to understand the nature of acceptance and gratitude, in a way that that thinking mind never can. We may nod our heads when we read or hear about acceptance, but the first time we’re in a situation, it all goes out the window. With increased awareness, however, we become aware of, as you say, what’s going on inside us.
Having compassion helps. As Matthew pointed out, listening with an open heart. We also put ourselves in the other person’s shoes to understand his/her map of the world.
@ Uzma: If we want attention, give attention. So true! There a good teaching I really like – make a list of your grievances, and turn it around. If you think people don’t care about you, it’s because you don’t care enough about them!
@ Kaushik: Again, so true! It’s easy to nod, but when it happens it can be hard to stay accepting, especially when the right buttons have been pushed. And sadly, those closest to us know exactly where these buttons are.
@ Evelyn: Definitely, compassion and empathy are vital
Thanks for your comments guys.
Hi Albert!
First of all, bravo on a beautiful post.
As someone who grew up in a conditional loving household, I never knew about unconditional love until I was an adult. I can tell you from experience that it is possible to love without condition.
In order to love without condition, the person giving the love has to be at peace with themselves.
When someone loves themselves, then they are able to love others as they are. You cannot give something that you do not have. So how can a person give unconditional love when they do not love themselves unconditionally?
Compassion is key too but I think a person who is at peace with themselves is in a better position to give compassion and empathy.
Thanks for the comment back Albert! (you know me, I’m the same Matthew from Loving Awareness)
I say “when you try to listen you’re not really listening”, because deep listening is about complete receiving. Utter yin energy. When you *try* to listen, you focus that energy. You try to get results. You have expectations – even if you try to get rid of the expectations, they’re there, because you’re trying.
True listening is inseparable from deepest meditation. You don’t care about results. You don’t care if the other person changes, or even feels listened to. You don’t want to create changes in the other, even for their benefit. You simply listen. You are simply there.
That’s why all these techniques for listening are great, but more like stepping stones. It’s the same way you learn techniques for meditation, and then have to drop them as you simply learn to be.
Fantastic post, Albert! We do so often make it all about US – what we want, the reaction we want, our perspectives and judgments. In some ways, there’s nothing wrong with that – we all create our own reality. The only problem is when we try to force our reality onto someone else’s, and deprive them of their ability to create their reality, also.
Thank you for the link love!!!
Blessings,
Anddrea
@ Nadia: Thanks! Definitely – I’ve found that true listening is only an option once we have done enough work on ourselves – we can’t what we don’t have. Beautiful.
@ Matthew: Yea of course I remember you
That is a very poetic explanation. Thank you.
@ Andrea: You’re welcome
It’s amazing that all three of you are essentially saying the same thing – we should find our own peace and from there we won’t find the need to push our stuff onto others. Love it!
Albert, the story was incredible!
“The first impulse to catch is the desire to give our opinions and advice. We all secretly think we have a hold on the truth. Everyone should be like us, we think. We have all the answers, the right way to behave, the right way to be.”
I admit that this is me way too often. Thanks to your article I’m going to work a lot harder at just biting my lip and keeping my opinions to myself.
This was great. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Hi Albert,
Lovely article. I particularly like the piece on judgment. It’s important to remember that making a flippant comment to someone can be incredibly hurtful even if you don’t intend it to be. Something that may seem unimportant to you could be really offensive to someone else if taken the wrong way. It comes back to if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.
I also liked “The best time to give advice is when you are asked for it.” I have come to realize this as well. It also helps to remember that my way is not THE way to do something it’s A way to do it.
This is a really lovely post and thanks for linking to my article on emotional bank accounts, I’m really glad you enjoyed it!
This is really beautiful, Albert. I so appreciate you getting into the deeper expressions of love like this.
@ Stephen: Thank you so much! Guess what – we’re all like that heh heh!
@ Sherri: Thank you too. The judgement thing can be hard to detect, isn’t it? I used to think I was pretty non-judgemental because I didn’t care about the big things, but was surprised to find I judge little things like mannerisms and facial expressions a lot.
@ Ariel: Thank you for your kind words
You know, these articles describe the very core of why there is misery in this world.
Judging, non-acceptance, projection of ourselves onto others; all these behaviours degrade the people we interact with. If those people happen to be our children or people who are otherwise depedant on us for something (students, employees), they in turn will either degrade yet others by their scathed ego or turn into themselves and wither.
The sort of negative behaviour described is how unhealhthy and immature people are created that breed yet more immature people.
Would we accept eachother more for what we are without frustrating eachother, it would simply be a better and more productive world to live in.
Thanks Albert. Great article. Good pointers on how to avoid being a negative influence in this world. Something to strive for.
Hey Alexander, that is so true. Low self-esteem and pain is just always being passed on like some sort of hidden virus haha! Thank you for the comment.
I use the line, “Do you want my opinion or advice or do you just want me to listen?”
I’ll be reminding me of these things for the rest of my life. It’s only been in the last 5 years that I’ve made good progress.
This article has made me sad and happy. Happy to know that you have touched on the topic of unconditional acceptance…but sad to know that Most people will never come to the point where they can accept people Almost fully. I doubt we’ll ever be able to Fully accept Everything..but not everyone will even be able to Almost fully accept others. It’s a shame…
Terrific post! I enjoyed your insights and thoughts. Thanks for sharing
Jonathan
@ Tess: Thank you Tess! I know what you mean, as many readers have suggested, the ability to give this acceptance depends on the amount of peace you have found within – and that can be perhaps the hardest thing to work towards.
@ Jackie: Good to have you here. It is a shame, I know. I guess every little bit helps. If you enjoyed this please stick around for the next series, where we apply this to ourselves.
@ Jonathan: Thank you for your kind words
Hi Albert,
This is a great post, and a great series! Thank you so much for going so deeply into love, and how we can all love each other more deeply and unconditionally. I’m a huge fan of posts that offer practical advice, and this series has been full of good, solid steps to take. As a recent victim of the “change and manipulation” syndrome, I can attest that removing that makes a person much easier to love!
Hi Jay
Thank you for that. It really helps me to have personal feedback like this, it lets me know I’m going in the right direction.
Hey Albert,
That’s a great opening story! How cool to be loving and attentive when someone is ranting.
Disarmed with love. That’s powerful stuff!
Hey Mike, thanks! Everyone seems to enjoy this story. Heh heh! Edited to remove stupid joke.
I stopped reading half way through this article to eat
and with this non-judgmental acceptance I felt alot happier around my family than normal, and the benefits you say are wonderful to experience. I just gotta remember to do this all the time.
Also receiving advice from my elders growing up has taught me some great lessons and other times has hurt me, but as more and more people from our generation find out about things like this the it should happen less over the years
Hi Buddy, glad you’re digging through all my old posts and finding value in them
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