Part 1: Acceptance and Attention – The Basis of Unconditional Love and Nurturing
Part 2: Unconditional Acceptance for Our Totality
Part 3: The Obstacles to Mature Love
And so, after all that, we’ve come to the final point – what contributes to unconditional acceptance? In my experience, this means allowing them their full experience with respect and dignity.
Most of us are uncomfortable with strong displays of emotions in others. Perhaps we have not dealt with our own feelings; perhaps we just don’t want the drama. We ask a few polite questions, and let it be – but it is not enough. Allow them to fully explore the depths of who they are; only then can healing occur.
I remember when someone I was close to betrayed me financially. I spent the entire day hurt and angry, and I wasn’t feeling any better when I had lunch with a lawyer friend the next day. I wanted some legal advice on the matter, but he noticed something was wrong and asked me about the non-business side of the story.
I told him a really short version, not wanting to show how hurt I really was. He nodded, and said I must really be angry. I nodded in return, and told him to forget it – let’s move on to the legal matters. But a part of me wanted to speak, and he must have sensed it.
“It must really sting, being betrayed by someone you’ve been friends with for so long.” I nodded again, and took a deep sigh. He remained silent and expectant. I remained stiff for a few moments more, before I relaxed into the space he had given me, and let my guard drop. My shoulders slumped, and I allowed myself the full hurt and anger – not the condensed, sanitised version – but my raw, unreined feelings.
I told him the full story, pouring out everything I had held back even from myself, and he listened silently. When I was done, we remained quiet for a few moments more, and I noticed how much the hurt had diminished. We turned our attention to my legal options.
I would like to point out the parallel between this and self-work. There are many beautiful concepts and techniques we can apply – forgiveness, putting yourself in the shoes of another, challenging the thoughts that cause our suffering – but they must all come at the right time. Otherwise, these concepts become just another means of pushing, of cutting, of repressing.
And to finish off the series – a great question a reader raised. How would we give unconditional acceptance to someone who misuses it, takes advantage of it?
This is a really complex topic, but briefly – giving unconditional acceptance requires inner strength, inner peace and stability. How can we give what we don’t have? I believe in setting fair, healthy boundaries, until you don’t need them anymore, until you are strong enough to really give.
Further, some people confuse a victim mentality with giving unconditional love. I would highly recommend the series on boundaries as a vital counterpart to this series.
Further Reading: Setting Personal Boundaries (series).
Some readers might find this article a little strange. It’s really short, but still took a long time to write. I feel I owe you a quick explanation. I wrote this series as preparation for a few other series. However, two things affected these articles.
Firstly, most of my studies now revolves around abuse – emotional, physical, and verbal – and I have been meeting with quite a few survivors. It has affected me and my writing quite deeply. You’ll notice I’ve been putting in lots of warning statements lately. Secondly, a lot of these processes are meant to be used with a qualified professional, otherwise there are a few things that can go wrong.
The details of this are too much to go into here, but that’s basically it. So far I’ve cut out the controversial material – many articles worth of it, sadly. I can’t present a toned down version because the processes become nearly useless. After days of thinking, I’m still trying to figure out what to do. While this is mostly for my upcoming series, a huge part of this article was also cut out at the last minute. So apologies for this, I hope you understand.
And at the risk of turning this into an “admin” post, I would like to ask for some feedback.
This series is the first where I’ve done my best to keep the article at a 1000 words or so each (previously I let them go to 2000 words or more). The upside is that I find the new style easier to read, and hopefully it keeps your attention better. The downside is that if you read the entire series in a row, there is some repetition. This was based on the feedback from a previous post. Surprisingly, it is a bit of a challenge to try and convey all the information in shorter posts.
I would love to hear any suggestions on both these issues!
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Hi Albert!
So many things to say!
I, too, had someone very close to me betray me. It was a horrible experience. Afterward, I became extremely cautious when I met people or even with old friends. That ended up taking so much of my energy.
I realized that if I did become so cautious and not trusting of others, then that person who betrayed me won the battle twice. I realized that the best way to conquer that betrayal was to keep my heart open.
It took time to do that but I was able to keep it open. So now if someone abuses or mistreats me, it is their problem…not mine.
As for your writing, just go with the flow. You are a great writer…just listen to your heart!
A great end to a great series, my friend! I have learned so much from you, Albert, and have grown so much just by reading your posts. Truly, you are a light and inspiration to us all.
When I worked with clients in group therapy one of the most difficult things for them to learn was how to sit with one anothers pain. I wouldn’t allow them to get a tissue for someone who was crying because it would stop the process.
I think your articles are so good I print them out and read them again. Even highlighting at times.
You have the only blog where I don’t mind reading 2000 words
Albert,
Your insight and writing style mean that I hardly notice the length of your articles, and just read them all the way through. So short or long articles don’t make much of a difference to me. I like how you share your personal experience to make the concept real.
Hey albert
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile. Long articles are great. Don’t let your writing style be cramped because somebody else said blogs should be x length. If you have something to say, and it takes 500 words to say it, great, that’s a 500 word post. If you have something to say and it takes 5000 words to say it, great, it’s a longer post. Being easy to read is a matter of quality writing, not length. The shortest blog post could be the least interesting, and the longest could be most interesting depending on the quality of writing. Keep up the good work
PJ
@ Nadia: Heya – that line is so true, isn’t it? – “it is their problem, not mine”. It can be a bit hard to get with the heart, but once we get it, it’s tremendously freeing.
@ Jay: Wow – I’m really blushing now. Wow.
@ Tess: That’s a big compliment, wow. You guys are really making me blush.
@ Daphne: Thank you so much, really!
@ Patrick: I know I said this above but wow thanks. Again, really. I wasn’t expecting all these kind words and I really appreciate them.
@ Everyone: I hope I wasn’t coming across in the post as digging for compliments. I asked for feedback in a previous post about post length and got a 50/50 split in the responses. So I tried to make it a bit shorter but found that it carried its own writing obstacles so I was just looking for some feedback on that – I really want to make my writing as good as possible.
I think it’s best to go with the flow. If you’ve got more to say and find it hard to chop the whole content into smaller pieces, then just finish it in one post. I do find shorter articles easier to hold my attention but at the same time, I always appreciate an article that covers all angles.
It’s obvious that your work has been pretty helpful to a lot of readers. Keep up the fantastic job that you’ve been doing!
Hi Albert
I may not be the best person to offer an opinon about succinct writing vs. other than that, but here goes!
First, I think story is a most valuable teacher. It is where you can get people to ‘being in another’s shoes’ or relate to similar experience, more directly than with explanations of processes. Plus if you take the stories out, we get lecture.
Second, I am currently in a therapeutic relationship that is working. Well. I tried to do so several times in the past without the results I experience now. I think you eluded to the complexity of therapy. The truth is, it is more complex than I ever knew or believed. Glossing over is not only ineffective, it can be further damaging. In writing, just like in therapy, it takes awhile to include the complexities and nuances.
In the overall, I see your goal in what you write as having clarity, crystal clear clarity. I don’t think you can put a price on that, nor a word limit, nor should you have to.
We’re all here to learn, share, enjoy. I’m not counting words, I’m reading, engaged, absorbing and absorbed. Like a good book you can’t put down, I’m not looking for less but more. I don’t think anyone actually doing any of those things is counting, either.
I warned you my two cents was going to look more like a huge pile of pennies;)
Hi Albert,
First off, great post. Allowing others the dignity of their experience is not an easy thing. Few people can hold a sacred space for someone else’s pain.
Regarding your writing … I love all of it. I say, set your intention clearly on the experience you’d like to give your reader, and make it as long as it needs to be – 50 words or 5000!
Blessings,
Andrea
I think this series is very important. To often in personal development there is this false sense that we can solve anything and everything w/o any respect for self-love, self esteem, and self confidence…. this general positive self regard for the individual doing the work. There are hundreds, probably thosands of people that have applied many of the developmental principles, but i would say a brave few have faced their fears and self-actualized, and realized that yes they can improve, but have found ways to love themselves just the way they are. This is important work. Thank you.
@ Evelyn: Thanks for that. I think you’re right. I hadn’t expected cutting words down to be so hard, I think I’ll just let it go next time.
@ Barb: Hey
Not at all, I really appreciate a detailed story, it makes a difference to see things from another perspective. Thanks!
@ Andrea: Thank you for that! I have always admired your writing style – in a few words you manage to convey a very important point and yet keep it clear and interesting. I was trying to incorporate bits of your style into my own
@ Mozart: Thank you for that. Yes I did base this on unconditional positive regard of a major counseling style. I had the pleasure of seeing it done well in person a few times, and it was amazing.
Albert
I’ve heard about your site for some time now and thought it was time to visit. Glad I did.
I’m a great believer in the power of empathy which, as I practice it, involves giving space to the emotions of others. I also find it helpful to try to uncover the internal source of the feelings. Feeling disappointed or furious when a friend takes my money without my permission has an inner source (could be need for honesty, or trust, or keeping agreements). Feeling s are always important signals …just we’re not usually well trained to cope with them or understand them so we often try to suppress them in others.
Great post.
Thanks for this post A. I’d add that I’ve gradually discovered that, at least for me, setting a boundary isn’t necessarily inconsistent with unconditionally accepting someone. If a client I’m seeing doesn’t want to end the session at the appointed time, for instance, I can tell them “I hear what you’re wanting, and we’re going to stop now,” without shaming them for feeling the way they’re feeling. I can’t guarantee, of course, that they won’t feel like I’m criticizing them, but all I can control is the degree to which I accept what they’re feeling and wanting without judgment.
@ Ian: Thank you for stopping by, and welcome! I’ve seen you around the blogs I frequent too and have always enjoyed your comments.
Good point on the emotions too. Seeing them as signals rather than something to be feared or pushed away is a great pointer!
@ Chris: That example is a great point! I think you just cleared up something in my head that I’ve been stuck on. I’m not sure what but I’ll let you know. Thanks
HI Albert,
I just got home from an Easter family reunion, and have to say, just seeing your title, “Allowing your loved ones their full experience” made me cry. I’m hoping I can become a great listener and compassionate friend, like your lawyer friend, to those around me.
My experiences, the shoes I walk in are different than the rest of the people in my family, in fact most people.
My brothers and sisters think they support me, they say they pray for me, they feel sorry for me…but the bottom line, it is MY problem, NOT THEIRS. They do not even try to see things from my viewpoint–it is just too much of a challenge to their belief systems, they say it hurts too much to even think about it.
So, one more family reunion, just makes me want to move to a cave.
I know in psychology, this would be called “viewpoint epistomology”, I can even understand where they are coming from, because–without the experiences I have had–I would probably think the same way they do.
But, what to do? Do you just keep quiet? Do you raise the issues even if it makes them uncomfortable and they can’t use their pat answers? Do you just find a cave and avoid all family reunions?
Sorry if this is too vague, but I’m too exhausted at this minute to get into the issues again today.
Biting my tongue until it bleeds–Mary
Hey Mary, thank you for your kind words and for sharing. Can I get more information though? I’m really a bit confused as to what you are asking. Take your time with it, maybe after you get some rest
Oooh, Mary, I feel you. My family’s deeply religious, and they’re all praying for me in my fallen, prodigal state.
I think the killer is that you know you should allow them “their full experience,” but they can’t even leave well enough alone, and feel they must perpetually harass you for yours! It just doesn’t seem fair.
After over 20 years of this, what I’ve found is that I can only accept them and how things are, knowing I’m not going to change their minds, assert my boundaries and beliefs when necessary, and try to stick to common ground, like the fun my brother and I had growing up and how smart my nephews are.
Good luck and remember to reinforce yourself by reminding yourself constantly of your own value and how far you’ve come, regardless of whatever the conditions on your family’s acceptance.
Hey Albert.
WOW , this post was a surprise. I had to re-read as I thought, ‘what just happened’. Very used to your long style. I like that more. You explain yourself very well in longer posts. But , having said that, write as you like. The whole idea of a blog is not to write according to a word limit, newspapers and magazines have that problem. Write as much or as little, as you need to express yourself. The expression matters.
Hey Albert, a really nice closing to your series–very succinct!
Acceptance and allowing of another is not the same as tolerance or victimhood.
Hi dude,
I love your articles and reading them was part of my recovery after an ending of my relationship and finding out my dad had an affair.
I would say that longer articles will be better for me. People who are truly engaged in reading will not mind because they will follow you. Of course, short articles for faster understanding will be appreciate by some people too. Repeated points is not an issue for me because after all, the more you read the more it gets in your brain too, isn’t it?
Hi Albert, the repetition in a series doesn’t bother me.
If you want to write long pieces I think you need to include summaries and reviews in the post – reading a post is different to reading a book.
As to processes. I think it is partly about audience. Do you want to specialise (for a while anyway) on abuse? If not those processes may not be relevant anyway.
But just about any personal enquiry of any kind can trigger deep stuff. All I can find to do is issue warnings, tell people what can happen and encourage people to go slow and be kind to themselves (encouraging them to stop at the first sign of discomfort).
One possibility is to tell a story (appropriately disguised) of your experience and what you have learned – this means you don’t have to give the details of the process. Stories are engaging.
Another possibility is to only give processes that value pleasure – where each step is more enjoyable. (I think ‘no pain; no gain’ is flat out wrong.)
Another possibility is to give the principles rather than detail their application.
Hope these ramblings trigger soem useful thoughts for you.
@ CarolynB: Love it!
@ Uzma: Haha! One of the reasons I added that new little plugin – time to read, words in article, underneath the title. Thanks for your comment.
@ Kaushik: Thanks a lot
@ Ava: Heya! That’s true – repetition might be a good thing after all. I think I will stick to this format then – 1000 words or so, and let the repetition come. Thanks for that.
@ Evan: You are a genius!! I think the story and the principles will be brilliant!! Now I’m all pumped up to finish my articles haha!
Thanks to Carolyn B.–”My family’s deeply religious, and they’re all praying for me in my fallen, prodigal state.
I think the killer is that you know you should allow them “their full experience,” but they can’t even leave well enough alone, and feel they must perpetually harass you for yours! It just doesn’t seem fair.
After over 20 years of this, what I’ve found is that I can only accept them and how things are, knowing I’m not going to change their minds, assert my boundaries and beliefs when necessary, and try to stick to common ground…”
Great spot-on advice. Thanks
Albert, I’m not sure why this particular article hit me, but as I reread it today, I think it comes down to what you said about “self-work…must come at the right time.” Obviously, I need more self-reflection on this, but I wanted to thank you for the nudge in the right direction. If I wouldn’t have had the confrontation at the family reunion, I wouldn’t have been “ready”–your article came at just the right time.
Here is my 2:00AM ah-ha revelation and transformational moment. “Forget what happened. I know how to handle this.” I have actually studied this, I have the inner strength to change. The drama yesterday was different than before, and at first I didn’t recognize it, but when the fluff was stripped away, I recognized it. Here’s the self-work I started since yesterday:
My personal struggle is worse than some; but it is nothing, compared to others. But for me–it is my challenge. HOW AM I GOING TO CHOOSE TO HANDLE IT? (Thanks Viktor Frankl.)
Albert, you spoke of working with people who have been abused and not knowing how to share their stories. I have an idea, bear with me a moment, it is not as heartless as it sounds.
1. All of us have been abused at one time or another. Not to diminish any one person’s tragedy-but it is all relative. It is part of the human experience. (Thanks H. Kushner.)
The details of abuse situations are always different, but the variables of problem behaviors and abuse have to do with “intensity, duration, and frequency” and put into the context of our lives.(Thanks Anne Donnellan.)
ie. The captain of the vessel was abused by the pirates from Somalia, the crew were abused, the worried families of all involved were abused, each of us who watched the drama on TV felt hurt–own sense of fairness, justice, safety were abused. What makes a driver on the interstate have road rage at someone who changes lanes in front of them? What makes a parent strike/neglect a child? A husband drown his bride in the bathtub (the current headlines in our town)?
So, the Captain who actually has the bruises may recover better than someone who just watched it on TV? Why?
One person gets cut off in traffic and ignores it, another runs the car off the road. Why?
Two people get sexually assaulted, one becomes a survivor, another commits suicide. Why?
The intensity, duration, and frequency are key, but only a part of the evaluation of a situation. We are all different and respond differently. The real issue then is NOT the injury or insult, whether the abuse happened in one instant, or over a period of years….
2. The real difference is our unique ability to rebound–our RESILENCE. Two people have the same horrible thing happen, yet one becomes a survivor, the other a victim. Many times abuse/neglect/injury just happen, we have little or no control. The good news is that resilience can be nurtured and taught. (Thanks Brooks and Henderson.)
Albert, I suggest that if you want to talk about the important subject of abuse, the most important way to focus the discussion is on RESILENCE. Certainly, we need to listen to the stories and have compassion and empathy, but instead of pointing fingers, finding deficits, and talking about victims of abuse, Instead, I think healing will come faster if we can identify our strengths and focus on empowering ourselves with things we can DO, what are the lessons, the future goals we are going to achieve? What is our inner core of goodness and strength? Who are members of our inner circle of support.
I am not going to be a Victim, I am going to be a Victor!
I’m feeling better. Thanks. Hope my tranformational moment can help someone else.
And before our next family reunion, I am going to empower myself with a new strategy and the skills I need to pull it off. I am not going to try and get the others to change, I am going to change.
ps. I’m the last person to talk to you about the length of your articles:) Empower yourself. Do what you feel is right and you will help many people.
Hey there Mary. Wow, I don’t know what to say. Thank you for that in-depth comment. It does help, more than you know, to have such insights from a reader. Again, I really appreciate the time and thought you have taken to write this comment. I will definitely incorporate what you’ve said.
I’m glad if I helped at all, Mary. Sounds like you have a lot going on. I think you’re spot-on about resilience…I had that thought about why some bullied kids (and not others) become school shooters. I remember a psychologist observing on a PBS program that “some kids are like dandelions, and others are like orchids.”
Sorry about the grammar mistakes. (Hey, didn’t find them until I posted. Why not blame it on the little 3 inch box, right?) Next time I’ll know to go to Word first and then paste in the box after I can see the entire document.
Thanks again.
No problem, didn’t even notice any grammar mistakes
i almost cried because of what happend between my mom and me not too long ago. thanks.
You’re welcome kyle!
I read this when you first posted it and have been meaning to comment.
I agree with the people who said to write as much as you need to for what you have to say.
Maybe you already resolved this question. sorry for being late on this.
I find your posts long or short helpful.
Hi Themis, thanks for that big compliment. I think I’ll follow your suggestions.
I don’t know if anyone else uses this, but as a counselor, one thing I do with people that are not comfortable talking about an experience is to write a series of letters, back and forth, until they are able to open up, and then either begin a dialogue or allow them to express themselves in writing.
That’s a great technique, PAF. Thanks.
I read the whole series in one go, and didn’t feel there was any repetition. It was short, but packed a strong punch.
I’m interested to see if this will stay in my mindset permanently or not. If your interested (albert) I can tell after a few weeks/months if I feel anything significant has happened (if its made me happier long term/ or if I remember I forgot it:P)
Peace
Good stuff jag
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