Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Nadia Ballas-Ruta of Happy Lotus
You may have heard the following joke: “How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb has to be willing to change.” Even though it is a “joke”, there is a lot of truth to the concept. People often wonder if they can change. I think people can change but they have to want to change. Some people are unaware of their issues so they keep doing the same things over and over again; resigned to the idea that this is how things must be. However, life is full of possibilities and the choice is yours as to how you want your life to be.
When we are born, we are a clean slate. Pure and innocent and open to whatever comes our way. But as we grow, impressions are made and lessons are learned. We eventually lose that childlike innocence and we find that we are adults with realistic expectations and tons of responsibility. Who has time to think about the deeper issues, let alone change.
However, some of us find ourselves in situations where we are forced to change. I once was a Type A personality. Here is a glimpse of how I used to be:
There was a time when the only color in my closet was black. One of the items I could never be without was a watch. I had a back-up watch in my drawer in case the one I was wearing stopped working. Without a watch, I felt something was missing. I walked as if I was in a race to get to the finish line and that was true even on a Sunday.
My mind was constantly thinking or worrying about something. I had a 5 year plan and was following it to the letter. I had achieved every little thing I wanted and I was miserable. I was impatient most of the time. I did not have many friends because I was never myself with other people. I was not a mean person but I realize now how much I faked my way through life.
Due to the kind of childhood I had, along with other experiences, I was able to read people very well; people give themselves away by the little things they say and how they act. I was never impressed with anyone because I was not impressed with myself. I was ambitious, determined and always afraid of other people. I was afraid that they would see through my act because I pretended to be this person who had it all together but I was totally and completely lost.
Looking at the two paragraphs above, it is hard to believe I was that kind of a person. Now in my closet, I do not own a single thing that is in the color of black. I don’t even own a watch. I take my time going anywhere and enjoy the scenery whether it is a Monday or a Sunday. I hardly ever worry now. I am extremely patient, although I have moments when I wished some of my goals would be met sooner as opposed to later. I no longer have a 5 year plan. The most I can plan for now is about 3 months.
I am amazed and impressed by people every day. I truly love people and each person has a purpose in life and each person is beautiful in their own way. I am also no longer miserable – I am no longer lost. I would call myself a happy person who loves life and people. I work as an attorney, however, I am also currently working on turning my dream job into a full time job but I am just going with the flow and I will see where life takes me. Do I still have goals? Yes but the journey towards the goals is much more fun now and the destination is no longer an issue. I live authentically and being fake is something that is foreign to me.
So as you can see, I basically went from being a Type A to a Type P person, P meaning peaceful. If I can do it, considering how I was, you can do it too. You may be asking yourself, what caused me to change? In my case, my life went in an unexpected direction which caused me to re-evaluate everything. It began in the summer of 1997. It was a Thursday night; I remember this because I was sitting on the floor of my apartment doing paperwork for my job as I watched Friends. I had just finished my first year of law school and had returned from a dream trip to Paris, France. I had achieved every little thing I wanted in that first year of school. I had the dream apartment, I got the dream summer internship, I had interviewed one of my political heroes (George Stephanopoulos) but I was miserable. I knew I was unhappy and I wanted out of the misery.
As I sat doing paperwork, I had the thought or rather the realization that I was not meant to be a lawyer in the way that I was thinking I would be. It was like the clouds in my mind had parted and reality struck. Who was I kidding? I hated myself. I hated my life because it was not a reflection of my true self. I was living a lie and that was why I was miserable.
At first, I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe it was something I ate? But I put the paperwork down and started to think more about my future. I really asked myself what did I want my life to look like? I realized I had no idea but I knew that I did not want it to look like it did at that moment in 1997. I then became scared because my sense of reality was starting to take on a different view and it was uncomfortable. I had no idea what I needed to do to snap out of this mindset but I did know that something big had happened and there was no turning back. I was a twenty-five year old having a mid-life crisis.
I remember waking up the next morning feeling very fragile but on some level I felt like a load had been lifted off of my shoulders. I thought about quitting law school but decided against it because I knew I was not ready to quit. I lacked the courage. Plus I figured a law degree might come in handy; if anything it would make for an interesting story. I am glad I did stay in school because four months later, I discovered Buddhism and it changed my life. I would consider the last 2 years of law school a preparation for what came next. The year 1999 was when my full transformation began and it was not until 2005 that everything fell into place.
I will not bore you with all the little things that happened but here is a brief list (not in chronological order) as to what happened in those 6 years: I gave up a career in law, traveled the world, met my husband, worked as a freelance writer, was living out of a car for two months, traveled the United States, lived in India for 6 months, studied all kinds of Eastern philosophy, moved to Chicago, moved to California, moved back to Chicago, worked at a publishing house, my mother became ill with cancer, moved back home to take care of my mother, my mother passed away, stayed in the area to be close to my dad, took the bar exam again, went back to law and finally discovered what one of my purposes in this life is and became happy…finally!
You don’t have to go through similar experiences as I did to find inner peace. Here are some key steps you can follow so that you can unlock the Peaceful side of your self:
Get a notebook or a pad of paper. It does not have to be anything fancy. You can even use a computer. Sit down in a quiet space, take a deep breath, exhale and relax. Then write everything that causes you anxiety or worry. Write down all the things that you do not like about yourself. Even if it is something silly like the fact that your toes look like baby carrots – write it down. Just write what you feel and don’t think too hard about it. We all know what we don’t love about ourselves.
After you have followed step one, look through what you wrote and see what the hidden fear behind each item is. Fear is the root emotion behind every anxiety or worry. For example; I used to be afraid to be myself when I socialized with anyone. I then realized I was afraid to be myself because first of all, if I was myself, then people would not like me and secondly, I realized I had no idea who I was. This lead me to ask myself, why did I not know who I was? I then looked back at my life, recalled some painful memories and realized that along the way I got the impression that if I expressed my true self no one would care for me. So I put myself in a closet, locked the door and had never taken the time to discover what it was that I loved about myself and life. I so much wanted someone to love me; I did not care if I loved myself. No wonder I was anxious – how can I be a peaceful person when I don’t feel at peace with myself? How can someone love me, if I don’t love myself? The kind of love I am referring to is true love; the kind of relationship that helps you grow and become a better person. Anything else is not love.
Please note that to do step two effectively, allow yourself ample time because you will have to face some painful memories but that is the only way to heal. You have to accept your past. You may not change your past, but you can learn to accept it for what it was and learn to let it go. The present moment is all you have and the past is part of your story. Embrace it, accept it and then let it go. No one is perfect.
Then look at the people who are in your life and see if any of those people are what I would call “toxic personalities”. There are some people who will take pleasure in putting people down just for the sake of being mean. There is a difference between constructive criticism and vicious criticism. Toxic people just want to feel good about themselves by thinking they are better than others. So they engage in comments that are intended to cause pain. You do not want people like that in your life. A true friend will do what they can to lift you up and that sometimes does mean engaging in constructive criticism. Please be sure to notice the distinction when looking at the people who are in your life.
Remind yourself that you will not be on this planet forever. Life is short and therefore precious. Each moment is a gift so do not waste this gift by feeling sorry for yourself or anxious. Some of the people you love may not be here tomorrow or a week from now – why waste time being anxious? It will not add to your life, if anything, it will eat away at your emotions, causing stress which will impact your body.
Please know that this process of going from an anxious person to a peaceful person takes time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Life is a journey and the steps above are tools to be used throughout life. Even though I consider myself a Type P person, I do have moments when I will become anxious about something that is happening in my life.
I have learned to see worry for what it is which is fear. I don’t judge it. I accept it for what it is and let it go. For example, I sometimes worry about not having enough money. I realize I have this fear because there was a time in my life where I had no money. I then look to see if there is anything I could be doing to help myself financially and usually I realize I am doing all that I can. The worry then stops. So this is a process. We are all works in progress.
In closing, I would like to remind you that each person has a gift and a purpose in life. Some people have huge and grand purposes but the person who picks up trash for a living, has a great purpose too. Love yourself and realize that the cause of stress and worry is fear and fear is the lack of love. No one knows what tomorrow will bring, but we each have the power to control how we handle today.
Nadia Ballas-Ruta is the creator and writer of www.HappyLotus.com. It is a blog that is dedicated to promoting happiness, spiritual awareness and living a healthy/natural life. The topics covered are varied but all are geared to help the reader find their version of bliss. You can read her recent interview with the Queen of Green, Renée Loux. If you would like to subscribe to Nadia’s blog via RSS feed or email, please go to www.HappyLotus.com.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS. |
Get The Latest Articles Free By Email: |
 |
|
46 Comments
Subscribe to the Comments
This is a wonderful mix of psychology and Buddhist thought.
It’s always been my perception that it’s not the doing of things that truly changes who we are, but simply awareness. Awareness transforms.
Hello Nadia and Albert!
What a great post! Thank you for including the practical steps at the end. It’s always nice to read a few concrete actions that I can take to improve my life. This is a great blueprint to follow!
@ Matthew – I am so happy that you enjoyed the post. You are absolutely right about the importance of awareness. It is crucial.
@ Jay – Thank you for the kind words. I hope the steps are as helpful to you as they were to me.
Hi, Nadia. Thank you for sharing this story. I am going to go back and read it again later, and do some deep thinking about what my own version of bliss looks like. : ) –A
Nadia,
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
@ Alison – Glad you liked the post and I hope you find your version of bliss!
@ Sarah – You are welcome, welcome, welcome!
Your comment made me smile so thank you too!
Nadia,
Wow! Great post!
Thanks for sharing your incredible transformation. I don’t think I know anybody who has changed as much as you.
Thanks for this post. I admire your courage in admitting to yourself that you didn’t know who you were, and that at an even deeper level it didn’t matter. That kind of ability to admit where you’re at, it strikes me, is so important to actually making a difference in our lives.
@ Roger – I am so happy that you liked the post. If I can change, then anyone can. They just have to want it badly enough.
@ Chris – Thank you for all the kind words that you wrote. We can cheat the world, but we cannot cheat ourselves. I had reached a point where I just really wanted a different life so in order to get what I wanted, I had to do what was necessary.
Nadia, your story is very inspiring. It just shows what we can do if we follow our own dreams rather than somebody elses. You have amazing courage.
@ Tom – Thank you so much for all that you said. I don’t know about the courage but I did what I felt was right for me.
Wow Nadia,
This was a very open and courageous sharing of yourself and your journey.
I used to be Type A, the kind who would cry when I lost a competition (I would cry even getting a silver or bronze because I only wanted gold). Today I’m not like that, though right now I can’t detail the steps I went through to get here as clearly as you did. I’ll have to think about it and maybe post my own journey sometime. Thanks for being a shining example!
Hey Nadia,
Nice to see a longer post from you! Very good.
Step three is a tough one. Some people, for all their good intentions, are just bad news and can suck the life out of you. It’s so hard to cut people loose but it has to be done sometimes.
Really great post.
Wow, a really inspiring story!
I was never burdened with type A-ness; my albatross was depression/addictions/anxiety, but as you point out, at the root of all of this is fear.
Thanks for the inspiration.
Hi Nadia,
I really liked this.
“You were born with wings, so why crawl your way through life” -Rumi
@ Daphne – When I look back at how I used to be, it is like looking at a stranger so that kind of makes it easy to be so open.
Thank you for all that you said.
@ David – Glad you liked the post! As for Step 3, it is a hard one but if someone is dragging you down, you owe to yourself to be free from that negativity. However, as I said in the post, there is a difference between constructive criticism and someone being vicious for no reason. The key is to know the difference and act according. As for the length of the post, I just write what I feel and I never really focus or care about the length of any post. I just listen to my heart.
@ Kaushik – I am so happy that you liked the post and you are welcome. Any negative emotion is rooted in fear. We all struggle with fear, it just presents itself in different ways depending on the person.
@ bluemorpho3 – Love the Rumi quote, thank you for sharing it with all of us. I am so happy that you liked the post.
@ Albert – Thank you so much for allowing me to do this guest post.
Nadia and Albert,
Thank you both for this great post. I enjoyed reading about your transformation and I plan on working my own way through the steps you outline.
I agree with you about fear being the root. It is for me. I was told by a co-worker that I could be a great leader if only I could stop the takeover of fear. I don’t know about the leader part, but the part about fear was/is right on. I’m not finished with working on it, though.
Thank you again for this wonderful post, and keep them coming!
~Diane
@ Diane – Albert definitely has an awesome site and he writes wonderful posts. So I totally agree!
I am so happy that you enjoyed the post. Fear is a very powerful emotion. Marianne Williamson once said that sometimes we are too afraid to shine but we are meant to shine. We are suppose to live up to all of our potential. I think the problem is we just have no idea what our potential is but we each are capable of doing so much. It is up to us to figure it out.
What a wonderful post. I related so much to it and I cannot wait to try out the exercise. I’m SOOO Type A and I think it will help me a lot to try out what you’ve suggested. Thanks for the great tips!
@ Nadia: I’m glad you wrote this
@ Diane: It’s really a great post, isn’t it? I enjoyed it a lot too.
Nadia -
Thank you so much for sharing your story and a very important part of your journey to become the person you are today.
My life has changed so much in just the past year, so I am in the process of really getting to know who I am and finally begin to accept myself. I hid away my true self for so many years and tried to be the person everyone else thought I was. But finally, at 45, I’m getting to know me and who I really am!
One of the things the jumped out at me is the fact that you have no long-term plans past 3 months. I am a planner – I like to plan. Because of some of the changes I have recently experienced, all my plans for the future have gone out the window and I find myself having no plans for my future past June (I’m going to Hawaii – but after that, who knows!) I have somehow found peace with this – there is an inner knowing that everything will be alright and its going to work out the way that it’s supposed to. Its strange because I have moments that I wonder why I’m not freaking out about not having plans, because its so foreign to me!
Unfortunately, most of the people I know are so “worried” about me because I’m not making plans – you know, people that don’t have plans are “slackers” or “apethic” or some other negative term. They don’t get that I’m fine with it. I’ve let go and am going with the flow.
Reading your words gave me a sense of comfort…maybe even validation.
Thank you!
Beautiful post and beautiful story.
I’m impressed.
I particularly like the fact you’ve seen and expressed both sides of the fence.
@ Positively Present – I am glad that you found the post to be of help.
@ Carol – There is so much I want to say. First of all, I am grateful that this post could be of help to you. I know what you mean about the planning. There is a joke that goes if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.
It is imporant to have goals but it is even more important to have those goals evolve naturally as opposed to being forced. So although there are things I would like to achieve, there is no timetable.
One more thing, have a great time in Hawaii. It is paradise over there. Enjoy every single second! And good for you for taking the journey to discover who you are! That is awesome!
@ J.D. – Thank you for the kind words. I usually do not care tell people about my past because it is like looking at another person. But whenever someone tells me that it is hard to change, I end up sharing how I used to be as an example. If I can do it, anyone can do it. You just have to want it enough and be willing to face up to the task at hand. It is hard work but anything of value usually is.
Loved it! You are so in the zone, I can’t wait to see what the universe has lined up for you next, Nadia! And well done, Albert, for showcasing this awesome lady!
My pleasure Janice
@ Janice – I am kind of curious too to see what the universe has lined up for me. It definitely has been an awesome ride so far. Thank you for being such a great friend and for all the support.
@ Everyone – Thank you so much for all the comments and emails. Every single one has meant so much…words cannot adequately describe it.
This is a wonderful post Nadia. I was never a Type A person but I used to be a terrible worrier and recognise alot of my old self in your old self. And happy to say that I now recognise alot of my new self in your new self too. Here’s to peace! : )
@ Hilda – Cheers to peace!
And here’s to the hope that everyone find their version of joy.
When I read this I realised I have such a long way to go. I feel kind of caught in between two selves (at times) if that doesn’t sound too weird.
I liked this comment on a comment:
It is imporant to have goals but it is even more important to have those goals evolve naturally as opposed to being forced. So although there are things I would like to achieve, there is no timetable.
Hi Nadia
Thank you for opening up your story. I really enjoy reading it. I understand what you meant by your change from type A to P. Still reading your blog is hard to imagine you were a type A
I am happy for you that you are truly happy now.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
@ Freelance Writing Queen – Doesn’t sound too weird at all. I know exactly what you mean. I have been there too. It is part of the process.
As for the whole comment about the timetable, when you have a goal and are not forcing a timetable, the goal somehow manages to be achieved more easily. Anytime I have tried to force something to happen, I get in my own way and things get messed up. Actually, I have a post coming up on that subject.
@ Giovanna – Thank you so much for all that you wrote. I really appreciate it. If I could change, anyone can.
Good article. I think time also plays a vital role. Sometimes you have to give yourself a little bit of time for things to straightened out.
@ RYM – I am glad that you liked the article. Nothing happens overnight, so yes, allowing yourself time is important as is having awareness.
Nadia,
Thank you. Your story is beautiful. Have something to think about.
Hi Zyu,
You are welcome.
Great post, Nadia.
I’m going to have to try this and see what I discover about myself.
but…but…black looks so good with my long white hair! Love your words of encouragement. Wish for me merlots and teals.
@ Michael – Thank you so much for leaving a comment here and on my blog! Let me know if you discover anything new by doing the above mentioned exercise.
@betaphi – You are so funny. The color of the clothes does not matter. What matters is what is in your heart. So no worries for you! I am so happy you enjoyed the post!
great stuff, nadia. you hit on so many things that are relevant to my personality, that i am not sure how to even comment here beyond merely offering gratitude.
it’s amazing how much better it can feel just to have confirmation that we’re not alone in our thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc.
thanks.
@ Adam – You are welcome and no one is alone in how they feel. We all want the same things but we just express it differently.
HI, I like this blog. I’m buddhist, but this is universal. This can give me some sight. Thanks.
a great post as almost all your posts are. there always is a ‘dark night’ before the ‘awakening’. I have undergone this ‘type’ transformation too as you call it. In fact the conversion is so great that sometimes i wonder… ‘is this really me…” If you stop by at my blog, my writings will give you an idea about how long the ‘jump’ was, from ‘then’ to ‘now’..
… oops! sorry for the fragmentation of my comment. actually, i had to say to those commenting about ‘am buddhist’ , ‘am not buddhist’… well, the urban monk is not about buddhism or any religion, in fact. It is about a ‘wise perception’.
Thank you for your kind comments. Obaid, as much as I would love to claim credit for this post, it’s actually Nadia from Happy Lotus who wrote it.
Trackbacks / Pingbacks
show trackbacks