Lu Ting ate at a Greek restaurant because Papadopoulos, the owner, made really good fried rice. Each evening he would come in and order “flied lice”. This always caused Papadopoulos to fall down with laughter. Sometimes he would have two or three friends standing nearby just to hear Lu Ting order his “flied lice.”
Eventually the Chinese’s pride was so hurt that he took a special diction lesson just to be able to say “fried rice” correctly.
The next time he went to the restaurant he said very plainly, “Fried rice, please.”
Unable to believe his ears, Papadopoulos asked, “What did you say?”
Lu Ting shouted, “You heard what I said, you Gleek plick!”
~ A story from Joy: The Happiness That Comes from Within
A reader asked me once – why is this entire blog about inner work? What about changing from the outside? Even the series on changing behaviours focused on inner meditations, and nothing external.
In my experience, true change begins from within, from the consciousness that underlies everything else. There is a time for external work – for example, when one needs fast results – but otherwise, we are just covering up the real problem.
Perhaps an example would make it easier to see. Many popular books and workshops on social and dating skills teach external change. Touch creates bonding, they say, so strategically touch your target on the elbow as you speak. They teach structures of conversation, ways of listening, how to project your voice, proper body language, and on and on it goes.
Sometimes, this fools those around you long enough to “work”. But at best, the eager student has merely learnt to be a carbon copy of someone who has really “got it”. I remember meeting a woman once. Her perfectly practiced words and gestures told me she cared; her eyes revealed something else. She seemed cold, selfish, and manipulative, and that was all that mattered. Most around her saw right through her facade after a few days.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said – Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.
I began personal development in a similar way. I was shy and lacked self-respect, and I was sick of it. So I tried developing confidence from the outside in. I tried a thousand and one things. I took on a teaching role in a small institution, I forced myself to meet strangers in a bar, and I forced myself to try public speaking. The first few times I was so nervous I nearly fell over. But eventually I became comfortable and was even having fun. Many of my new friends called me a social butterfly, impressed with how comfortable I made them feel, how easy I struck up a conversation.
Did that mean I was genuinely confident and secure? No. I had only changed superficially – I had learnt to say “fried rice”. I felt surprised and even a little confused at the compliments I received, for they were aimed at the facade I was hiding behind, not me, never for me.
Underneath it all, I was still the same little boy, playing dress-up in a superhero costume. Instead of becoming happier, I became stiffer, and more on guard. I was deathly afraid my mask will fall off, that my secret identity –together with all my fear, my bitterness, and my jealousy – would be exposed.
And so no real change occurred. These unresolved issues manifested in many ways, an irrational fear of intimacy, for example. So what if I was now charming and smooth? When a woman got close enough, this fear arose subconsciously and without even knowing why, I would immediately sabotage the relationship, sometimes just cutting it off without a word.
As Osho said – this is not the way of transformation. One door closes, another opens. Changing the outer is easy, but the real work consists in changing the underpinning of everything else – our inner consciousness.
Nothing can change permanently without a corresponding shift in our consciousness. There was a point in time I used to smoke heavily, and this habit was driven by the same insecurities and fears I had struggled with for most of my adult life.
Before I realised this, I applied the usual quitting techniques. I forced myself to quit through sheer willpower, and succeeded – for a while. However, each time I was stressed, whenever I was reminded of my insecurities, I found myself reaching for another cigarette. Sometimes I used a substitute; in fact the cigarette habit was itself a replacement for something else. It took a lot of work, but when I finally freed myself of those insecurities, these habits fell away on their own, with no need for replacements. And surprisingly, so did most of my other vices.
This is why I don’t agree with what many people shout about learning to love ourselves. Book a massage; treat yourself to a bubble bath; spend a day lounging in the sun. Find a new lover. Get more money, more possessions. Perhaps we are satisfied, relaxed, rejuvenated – but only for a while. But soon, very soon, everything comes rushing back, for who you are has not changed.
For some people, consciousness can change overnight. For most others, it is long, hard work. But it is the only work worth doing, for everything else falls into place. With a flowering consciousness, we develop courage to face the obstacles in any part of our life; we find a willingness to do what has to be done. We overcome the downwards pull of our pride, our anger, and our fears. Our consciousness determines our subjective experience of life – to a large extent, our very joy.
So how, exactly, do we do this? There are many approaches to inner work, and this blog covers my explorations of the best I’ve discovered, so go to the archives and start looking around!
I’m also preparing a newcomer’s guide to UrbanMonk.Net, so look for that next. Stay tuned!
In the personal development blog niche, there are a few up-and-comers, written with a lot of heart, that I’m proud to highlight here.
The first is Seeking Mind by Sunny Jamiel. A mix of “standard” personal development and consciousness-oriented spirituality, with lots of free motivational wallpapers for his readers. A recent post you might like: 18 Truths about Life.
Next is Quest for Balance by Lisis. Written with a lot of honesty and heart, and a lot of humour mixed in too. A recent post: The Beginner’s Guide to EXTREME Candle Meditation.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
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53 Comments
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Hey, Albert! Beautiful post, as usual. I love this part:
“For some people, consciousness can change overnight. For most others, it is long, hard work. But it is the only work worth doing, for everything else falls into place.”
You’re exactly right about this. Once we start to see things as they really are, and start to appreciate ourselves as we truly are, everything else does fall into place almost on its own.
I have to tell you, I am very much looking forward to your newcomer’s guide. I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now, but I can’t help feeling like I missed out on a whole lot of great stuff. So now that you announced it, I’m going to hold you to it.
PS: Thanks for the Link Love. Today was a very meaningful day for me to see this.
Hi Lisis, thanks for your comment! I’m struggling with the guide to be honest – I don’t even know where to begin myself
You make some great points here and it’s nice to read a post that it so open and honest. It’s so true that we must first get in touch with our inner selves before we can ever make progress outside. I’ve been learning a lot about this myself recently so this really speaks to me. Thanks!
http://positivelypresent.typepad.com
Hmmm… that’s a good question. You need categories… suggested by your regular readers (those who know your work best.) What are the main things they turn to YOUR blog for?
Just thinking out loud here…
Hi Albert,
I love the thinking behind this post. And of course I love the story of flied lice!
You’re right that we can perform external behaviours successfully yet feel inauthentic, that that is not us. This post is very well-written and thoughtful. Thanks!
Hi Albert,
Thank you for such a lovely article. Personal development typically isn’t easy or quick, if you’re really serious about it. It is a lot more than just changing how you are on the outside and how you interact with people. That would be fairly easy to do for a short time but it’s sustainable over the long run.
Making fundamental changes in ourselves is a great thing to aim for and it is a journey, sometimes a very long one. But one of my favorite sayings helps get me over the desire for immediate results…”There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.”
I definately agree with you on a lot of stuff here, Albert… But take these examples into consideration:
If I am scared of heights, and I jump from a 10m platform into water… haven’t I conqueered fear in that sense? And same as your scenario with public speaking and meeting people at bars; if you show yourself that it’s possible, isn’t it possible?
I mean, can you ever have a person knowing what the ocean is, without him ever seeing it, touching it or swimming in it?
Just interested in your point of view, my friend
@ Positively Present: Thank you, I’m happy you like it!
@ Lisis: Heh, thanks
I’m thinking there are two approaches – the categories like you said, or which they like more, working with thoughts or emotions. I’ll try and find some way to incorporate them both. 
@ Daphne: Good to have you here as always. Flied lice really made me chuckle too.
@ Sherri: That’s a very beautiful quote. I agree, but I know it’s a cliche, but isn’t the journey the goal, sometimes?
@ Alex: Hey mate! Good points. As mentioned, I think there are some times where purely external changes work. But a couple of points, in my experience only. One, if you haven’t dealt with the underlying stuff, in the long run it will return.
Two, these goals have underlying motivations that aren’t addressed. I was still the same unhappy whiney little man I was. Nothing has really changed, except now I had a really cool nightlife. I remember waking up one morning and looking at all my social accomplishments and ‘conquests’ and thinking “Is that it? Isn’t this supposed to make me happy?” I don’t know if that answers your question, let me know if it doesn’t
Thank you for writing this, Albert! Your site is so helpful, and I really appreciate the way you make me think and help me figure myself out
Hi Albert,
Look forward to the beginners guide.
As to outside and inside.
External change works I think if you want externals to be changed. If you want to win a race, you train hard enough and win. The problem as I see it is when this is a way to get an inner goal (eg happiness, self-respect). Then it is futile.
I think usually we are after the inner changes – and so the pursuit of the external is usually a mistake. I’d be interested to hear what others think (I confess to being very much an introvert so it may just be my preferences).
@ Jay: You’re always so supportive, I appreciate it.
@ Evan: Agreed with you. I think it is my own bias too, I’ve found the externals don’t make me happy, and all I really want is real unshakeable happiness. I didn’t think about races and some of that, so I might have discounted that too early.
I definitely agree that working on ourselves should really come from the inside. Sadly, not many of us are willing to take up the challenge. Understandably, it can be traumatic looking into ourselves and discovering that there is a lot of stuff that we may not like about ourselves. However, that is where the real transformation comes in. Only the few brave souls, like yourself, can testify to the many wondrous benefits for having done so. Well done!
Leo,
Great post as always!
“This is why I don’t agree with what many people shout about learning to love ourselves. Book a massage; treat yourself to a bubble bath; spend a day lounging in the sun. Find a new lover. Get more money, more possessions. Perhaps we are satisfied, relaxed, rejuvenated – but only for a while. But soon, very soon, everything comes rushing back, for who you are has not changed.”
How true! We often have trouble distinguishing between pleasure and happiness. The pursuit of pleasure is a guaranteed way to avoid change and happiness.
Evelyn and Roger, you guys are really too kind! Thank you, those are big compliments.
Hi Albert,
Loved your message and am working on my personal inner transformation, inch by inch….
Your message reminded me, in education we talk about the difference between “behaviorist” teaching philosophy and techniques (the outside you described) and the “constructionist” teaching philosophy and technique (the inside).
The behaviorist philosophy is the dominant paradigm (working for grades, standardized tests, No Child Left Behind, make teacher/parents happy, get into good school, avoid punishment….
The constructionist philosophy is popular with early childhood and special educators. Alfie Kohn writes about “Punished by Rewards,” I’m sure there is lots more if you check out “constructionist and education” or, “constructivist vs. behavorist”.
As long as the behaviorist philosophy is taught and reinforced in schools and our culture, you are going to have a hard sell of what you are talking about. The behaviorist “paradigm effect” causes people to not even SEE it. They will always think ‘outside” is the only way.
Hopefully, your continued words and examples will help.
Thanks for this Albert. I’m definitely reminded of my own backstory — years ago, I thought “if I become a lawyer and make a lot of money and people think I’m prestigious, I’ll feel good about myself.” My discovery that this wasn’t the case at all — that I was only getting more alienated from myself — began my spiritual explorations, so I’m thankful for it.
Hi Albert
I could probably write you a short novel here about internal vs. external change, but instead a rather long short story from my own life that includes both changes intertwined.
When I was a little girl of three, I was bitten in my face by a dog, just missing my eye. Naturally, I developed a fear of dogs.
When I was a young adult, a friend asked me to travel out of state, to a rural area, visit his brother’s family. He knew of my fear of dogs and chose not to tell me his brother had a dog. The plan was to stay in the brother’s house for a week.
We drove up to a ‘greeting’ by this huge black German Shepherd standing on his hind legs, barking wildly behind a glass door. I turned to my friend, angry and frightened. Told him in no uncertain terms I wasn’t staying here. Could he ask his brother where the nearest hotel was?
He agreed, but asked me to get out of the car, meet his family. They invited me in for coffee. I explained I would, if they’d put the dog somewhere else.
I was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden the dog appeared out of nowhere and I was petrified. The dog calmly walked over and laid across my feet. I sat there for the next hour not daring to move, not even reach across the dog to pick up my cup sitting on the table. I know I heard none of the conversation ensuing around me.
It was getting late, if I were going to a hotel, I wanted to go soon so I wasn’t driving around on unfamiliar country roads late at night.
The dog’s owner tried to lead the dog away, but he wouldn’t budge, listen to any command. I finally decided I should just pet the dog. He let me, didn’t move. I then started to get up. The dog immediately moved to the side. I walked toward the door, the dog got there first, blocked my way, nudged my hand. I pet him again.
This trying to leave went on for awhile, until I needed to go to the bathroom since I was really still very nervous. The dog went with me, stood outside the door. It soon became clear I was going nowhere without the dog, as he mirrored every step.
Ceasar was the dog’s name, and true to his apparent intent, and I presume my unconscious one, I was going to rid myself of my fear of dogs that week. He and I spent it inseparably all that time. This huge dog, larger than life in more ways than one, walked, talked, ate and slept with me!
I have no fear of dogs any longer, absolutely have an ability to bond with them immediately now.
So it wasn’t inside or outside, it was both.
Hi Albert,
You are so right about how personal development occurs from the inside and that in order to achieve it, there has to be inner work. I think no one wants to hear that because it is too hard. I mean…it is easier to go take a bath with lots of bubbles than to face all the painful issues of the past.
@ Mary: Thanks, I knew a little about these theories but in a limited context. I had no idea the current education system is based on behaviourism! Wow.
@ Chris: You’ve touched on a very important point. Many people I see still have a strong sarcastic reaction to a statement that money doesn’t really make you happy (beyond a certain baseline, at least). Thanks.
@ Barb: That’s a beautiful story, and no it’s not too long at all. I get what you mean and agree.
@ Nadia: Byron Katie had a nice quote about bubble baths – you are just staging a seduction for yourself. But once you leave the bath, all your painful thoughts come back anyway. Very true in my experience.
Hi Albert,
Personal development start from inner change and you have clearly illustrated it using the example of you smoking in the past. This is a great article and thanks for sharing.
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
You’re welcome Vincent
Brilliantly explained Albert! Such an excellent illustration about why it’s so necessary for change to come from within.
The outer stuff is fine so long as its genuine and automatic, a natural expression of the change that shifts from within. If it’s what we’re trying to change though, we’ve missed the source, the root, and the outer stuff, like you said, will come rushing right back.
Hey Ariel! That’s a beautiful way of putting it, thanks
Hi Albert,
Great post. I’ve really been enjoying your blog; it’s right up my alley.
Nothing can change permanently without a corresponding shift in our consciousness.
This is something I forget. I try and change a bad behavior by trying to just “not do it,” but of course it never works; I have to locate the unconscious pattern that causes it. Thanks for the reminder.
Great thoughts Albert. Specially the part about “Who you are speaks too loudly”.
@ David: Hi mate, thank you! I find the “releasing” of the Sedona Method to be best for my personality. I can sit on my ass and release on whatever, and still make progress on the deeper level
@ RYM: Thank you as well. That quote is one of my favourites too!
Albert,
Thanks a lot for mentioning me on your blog with your kind words. I really appreciate that. (PLUS thank you also for using this theme. Been looking for something like this)
Hi Sunny, it’s my pleasure
This one is really an interesting read….keep up the good work..
I wanted to give a small nod to the “fake it til you can make it” crowd, not to disagree with Albert, but just to give the devil his day in court. There are certainly people who are looking for a prop or a quick fix, but other people who adopt “external” changes are sincere in their desire to change, but because of circumstance, they’ve found themselves a at a different starting point than this crowd has. Maybe a worse starting point, with some disadvantages and the risk of fragile, short-term gains; but maybe it works for them.
The claim to legitimacy of external strategies is that they can be the beginning of the process of deliberately building positive habits. Most people’s actions and thoughts are far more controlled by unconscious habits and reactions than we realize. If you happen to picture a green clover, heavy with dew and bent by a breeze, can you really say that you pictured it deliberately, or was the internal image an instinctive reaction to an external stimulus, done to you, without much of your say in the matter? So to take that process under conscious control can be a big deal.
We all know the story of Pavlov, the bell, and the drooling dogs. The reaction in the dogs was real; they weren’t pretending. What if you could pick your own bell, and pick your own response? The “beep” of the microwave timer makes me drool (kidding, there, mostly); this shirt makes me feel happy; jazz makes me feel different and more positive than metal does. Some people say you can teach yourself to summon a feeling with any stimulus you want; a touch on the wrist, your boss’s office, looking at an envelope. …if you peeled away all of your habits, all of them, everything you didn’t deliberately choose to learn on purpose, who would be left? Would you recognize yourself?
Compared to Pavlov’s dogs we have monstrously huge brains, capable of reacting to thousands of small, barely perceptible bells all around us. For example, choosing a tall and straight posture might not just be putting on an act; your posture delivers a set of physical feelings, just like the physical ringing of that bell, and in response, your mind delivers the feelings connected with that stimulus. The dogs were really drooling, the feelings are real.
Of course a person might fall out of the habit of good posture, accidentally, or maybe because something real sapped their confidence: chicken, egg. I’m suggesting that both the chicken and the egg can be addressed. Which is the kind of mixed metaphor that makes me want to step away from the keyboard
Hey buddy!
Not at all, don’t be afraid of showing a different opinion, I love it!
I know what you mean, and that is the reason why I stated that external change can be very useful. Another example would be assertiveness training for someone in an abusive relationship for example. It would teach him or her some much needed skills to take care of themselves and see that they don’t need the other, and leave. It works in the other direction and truly make them more assertive internally.
In my experience it’s quite a bit slower and can be “lost”. So it’s just my personal experience and preferences, I guess, that going from the inside out is so much faster and impacts everything else as well.
Thanks for your comment, I really enjoy such discussion.
Albert, a big disagreement from me. Assertiveness can be the worst thing to do in an abusive relationship (depending on the level of violence). Although assertiveness in the sense of looking after myself by leaving I very strongly recommend. Sorry if this is put rudely but in my experience the abused being assertive can intensive the abuse.
Hi Big Toe, if we are sensible I think we are all looking for the quickest and easiest fix available. I see no justification for unnecessary suffering. The problem with starting with the externalis is that it doesn’t fix the (internal) problem. It isn’t quick and it is just a waste of effort (if it is an internal problem). I think it’s good to start with what is easiest and find what works. For major change I think this involves our thoughts and feelings. Hope this makes sense.
Evan, no problems at all and thank you for pointing it out. Assertiveness by leaving is definitely what I mean, and I should have thought more carefully about my words before putting them down (the danger of a comment as opposed to a post where I read and re-read to avoid things like this.) Apologies for any confusion. I’ll edit the original comment to reflect this. It was my mistake.
“Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.”
-James Allen, As A Man Thinketh
A very nice quote Jared!
Couldn’t agree more. real change always comes from the inside out.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
That’s a wonderful quote Patrick! Thanks for that I’ll have to steal it now
amazing stuff.
really relate to this from when i overhauled my social life. i learned a whole lot of cool and cute pickup lines – changing the outside but was still the insecure loser who couldn’t be social – only with cute pickup lines.
change starts within
respecto
p.s. just saw you’re promoting the sedona method.
amazing stuff. overhauled my life completely.
respect.
talk to you soon
alex
This is a wonderful blog post. True change is inside-out. Thank you for your clear writing.
@ Alex: Great stuff! I can identify with your story. Respect right back
@ Duff: Thank you, buddy!
This such a great post. I love your points about the temporary satisfaction that all these external things bring. Guess you are going the way of the Tao:). I’m right behind you….
Thanks Srinivas, let’s go the way of the Tao together
Here are a few of my favorite quotes on the subject.
Behavior is the outward expression of the inner spirit. Only ignorant people try to change the outward expression without changing the cause of that expression.
-Osho
As you become silent, as you become conscious, more alert, your actions start changing – but not vice versa. You can change your actions, but that will not make you more conscious. You become more conscious, and your actions will change – that’s absolutely simple and scientific.
-Osho
The mystics began with the principle “know thyself,” whereas the rationalists began with “rule thyself.”
Alan Watts
Thanks for posting these quotes John, they’re great. I love the Alan Watts best.
Thanks John, I agree with Evan
the flied lice gleek plick story made me burst out laughing!!
i agree on your reason to “why inner work”. really well put. to me, the outside is all a manifestation of the inside. not necessarily in a “the secret” sense with gypsies and purple and smokey insence-saturated caravans sense, but in the sense that you experience it based on your inner map of the world.
the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote gave me one of those “hah! that’s so true” moments. i used to be very big in the social dynamics scene – still am a lil i guess – and definitely agree that most of it is preaching external change. i really like RSD’s stuff though if you’re still interested, more internally focused.
funny how similar our processes were. i fully identify with how you felt about your change being superficial – learning to say “fried rice”. i think it’s a natural part of the process though. can be subverted – probably better so – but it happens. and we move past it.
i’m with you on the bit about people shouting about learning to love ourselves. i guess for me, my biggest gripe with that is that people who love themselves don’t need all that. they love themselves for who they are. the other stuff is just garnish.
“flowering of consciousness” is such a cool term. Eckhart Tolle has a product out by the same name that i really recomment (can prolly find it online if you’re a hustla
)
inspiring stuff all round.
really cool to see where you’ve come from, where you’re going and what it’s all been about for you.
subscribed!
all the best
alex – unleash reality
Hi Alex! Very good to hear your story, there is really a lot of similarities. Definitely, I think most people tend to move on and realise external change is pretty temporary – but I still do see some who don’t, and persist in external change. I really enjoyed your comment, and now I’m off to check your blog
Thanks Albert for this post (it was REAL TALK), No one around me really understands the importance of inner work, to the point where they think much inner work will make me ‘mad’. But as others have said on this page, it is hard, confusing and long (aswell as occasionally joyful) to do this work.
Yh I know how you guys feel. I went down the social pickup route and it just made me more nervous after a few weeks.
Also there were some great quotes in the comments so thanks to John Patton and co.
Hey mate – Real Talk lol! Love that part. Thanks for sharing!
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