Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Lisis Blackston of Quest For Balance.
I recently learned about the power of love and compassion from someone who had all but given up on life. I met him, if you can call it that, in the comments section of another blog, where he posted that he was contemplating suicide.
What really bothered me was that no one had addressed his comment. Did they not see it? Were they uncertain of what to say? Was it a breach of blogger protocol to address a serious issue in someone else’s comments section? I didn’t know, but one thing was certain: this person was suffering. I could not simply go about my day as if I had not noticed it. The last time I tried that approach, things did not work out so well.
Four Christmases ago, a very dear friend of mine took his own life. In a moment of hopelessness and despair, he shot himself. For fourteen years he had been one of my closest friends; we were always there for each other, and I loved him dearly. This was no mere acquaintance, so the news affected me deeply.
This was a fellow pilot and grieving soul. Like me, he had lost his parents at a young age, so we felt a strong connection; we promised to be each other’s shoulder to cry on and soft place to fall when life was knocking us down. He called me every year, without fail, on Valentine’s Day and my birthday, even when I moved to Costa Rica and he moved to Belize.
In 2005, when I got that birthday call, I knew something was terribly wrong. I had never heard him so despondent before. This guy was an aerobatic pilot, a Reno Air Racer; he was full of adventure and passion. But on this particular call, he was somber, quiet, and sad.
He had been struggling with bipolar disorder for a couple of years. He never would have admitted this fact, or sought treatment; but I knew. I recognized all the telltale signs because I had seen them in my dad: the endless rambling phone calls at all hours, the god complex, his blacklist of “enemies” which grew increasingly longer, the purchase of insanely expensive things with other people’s money, the topics of conversation bordering on sexual harassment…
These, and many more, were the symptoms I had been watching develop in him over the course of a few years. I would hear from him a whole lot when he was manic, then not at all for months at a time, during his depressive hibernation.
His family and friends had noticed this as well, but when they tried to get him to seek treatment, he just put them on his blacklist of people to avoid (and get even with). Finally, they did the responsible thing: they reported his condition to the FAA, who promptly revoked his medical certificate. He could no longer fly, and he’d never really done anything else. He used to tell everyone, “The day I can’t fly is the day that I die.” It was his whole life.
When he called on my birthday, I knew he was in utter despair, trying to figure out what life he could possibly have without flying. But I assumed it was just a phase, and that he would resolve it on the next upswing. I was busy and distracted, moving from Costa Rica to Austin, so I told him I’d call him later.
My birthday was in October; we moved to Austin in November. I almost called him then, but decided I would wait until we were settled in our new home, in early December. Then I was busy moving in, meeting neighbors, and getting ready for Christmas. I meant to call him; I really did… and then I got the email from his ex-wife. Just like that, it was over. All the history we shared and all the promises we made vanished into thin air.
I spent the first two years after that torturing myself with guilt. I should have been a better friend, and called him. Perhaps I could’ve gotten him treatment for his depression since he trusted me and knew about my dad. It would have made all the difference if I just took a moment from my busy life to let him know he was not alone. WHAT IF he had felt loved, instead of abandoned?
I will never know. I did nothing.
Maybe there was something I could have done, maybe not. But I could have tried. I didn’t reach out to help him when he suffered, and I can’t do anything about that now. But I can try to help others who are suffering.
So, when I saw that person mention suicide in the comments of a blog, I gave him my email and asked him to contact me. And he did. We have been in contact ever since, and I cherish each email I receive from him. He still has a whole set of challenging circumstances to deal with, and I can’t make those go away. We all have those constant burdens to bear, each in our own way. But I can let him know I care, I’m here, and things will get better. Sometimes that is all we need to find the strength to keep going.
A short while ago, I told him I was going out to the yard to plant strawberries with my son. He asked me how long it takes to grow a strawberry plant.
I replied, “I don’t know yet how long it will take to harvest my strawberries. There’s a good chance I never will, because the birds will beat me to it. But it’s ok… I like the planting… and the birds.”
His answer helped me understand the key to happiness: He said, “Yes, there will be birds, but we should not stop planting strawberries. That is the essence of life. Like what Albert Camus tried to propagate in his essay, The Myth of Sisyphus.”
For those of you who may not remember, Sisyphus, of Greek mythology, was the guy condemned to push a boulder up a hill, watch it roll back down, and repeat this for all eternity. His burden is constantly present, but he presses on anyway. What else can he do?
It seems to me, since we each have our individual burdens, that the way to fight off suffering and depression in order to be happy is to find the little things that bring us joy, the simple pleasures. Make time to find them; take time to appreciate them. Just as importantly, if someone you know has lost the ability to enjoy anything, take a moment to help that person. Show a little Love and Compassion, because even little things can make a world of difference. You never know… the life you save may be a friend’s.
Lisis Blackston is a wife and mother who is dedicated to helping others find happiness and inner peace. You can learn more about Lisis at her blog, Quest For Balance, which is dedicated to this concept:
Whether we find happiness through grand adventures, or seek it in every-day places, we all want less pain and more joy. Quest for Balance is a place where people can be reminded that finding lasting happiness and inner peace is not only achievable, but surprisingly simple… for all of us!
Thank you for that really touching post, Lisis. And for the readers, I’ll be back in a few weeks! It’s exam time, and my brain is overloaded. This semester is particularly vital for me.
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This is truly a beautiful, and touching story. I have battled against depression my whole life, and there have certainly been times when I felt like I would end it all.
After my divorce, I spent a lot of time in therapy, working through some of those issues and getting the help I needed to cope, and learning the tools to fight depression more effectively. One of the things I learned was how important it is to have a good support system of friends and family to help you through the rough spots.
Sometimes, you just need to know that someone…anyone…cares for you and doesn’t want to lose you.
You’re a good friend, Lisis. You’re full of love and compassion, and that’s why people are drawn to you. Truly, you are a light unto this world. Thanks for sharing this story with us, but more importantly, thanks for being *you*.
This is such a deep and touching post. Thank you for it Lisis.
Makes us all realize the importance of reaching out at all times. I suppose its also about being plain nice at all times. Smiling at others more, trying to help in small things as well. Just living from a place of giving, to all.
Lisis,
What a moving story. I’m very sorry to hear about your friend. Your phone call probably would not have made a difference, but nobody can be 100% certain.
It is surprising that people ignored that suicidal comment. I guess we all think somebody else is helping or it’s not our problem.
I greatly admire the way you responded with help. You make the world a better place.
Hi Lisis,
What a lovely post. You’ve written so beautifully about such a difficult subject. There will always be “what if’s” and “if only’s” and you’re absolutely right that we can’t change the past. The best we can do is live in a way that if something happens you can be comfortable with yourself that you did everything YOU could do to be compassionate and loving.
Thanks for sharing such a personal story!
Lisis,
You are such a kind soul. A class act and a lifesaver.
Thank you for the beautiful post. Roger is absolutely right: you make the world a better place.
Thanks, you guys! I really appreciate you reading this story, which was not at all easy to write.
I am so thankful that Albert was willing to publish it here and share it with his audience so that a few more people can learn to appreciate the value of simple compassion.
I keep telling anyone who will listen: It really doesn’t take much to make an impact in someone else’s life. It’s always worth it to take the time to do it.
Very touching Lisis. I have always told you that you are a very special person. Knowing you makes me a better person .. and I thank you for everything that you do.
My pleasure Lisis, and thanks for the comments everyone.
Lisis,
Thank you for the gift of your story! I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write. Sharing do deep from your heart is an admirable quality of your character
I can relate with you deeply as I have suffered major tragedy
which has changed my life forever!
Lyne
Thank you, Lyne! I do try to dig deep and be as open as I can so that others can relate, and connect, and feel less alone.
I am sorry that you have suffered your own tragedies, but I also know from experience that they are often exactly what it takes for us to fully live our lives and appreciate what we have.
Thank you for your comment.
I really enjoy reading your blog, it forces me to sit back and take a break from work and reflect. I had a similar experience with a friend of mine who committed suicide so I was really connected to this entry.
I really liked your perspective, or your new friend’s perspective, its the journey not the destination thought. We hear those types of phrases all the time but sometimes I need to hear the perspective on how you got to that thought for it to really click…
anyway, thanks.
Lisis, this is a wonderful post. I really love what you’ve written here. It’s so inspiring. And, Albert, thanks for posting this great guest post. It’s wonderful!
Hello Lisa, I am sorry to read about what happened to your friend. I believe that there is no need to punish yourself in guilt. You are not responsible for the decisions that another takes. Everyone walks his or her own path. It’s great however that you’ve used your personal experience to reach out to another. I love your gift of the story. It is truly the process of experiencing that matters and not the end result.
Namaste,
Evelyn
Thanks for your inspiring post, Lisis. Immediately after I read your post I made a phone call.
I’ve been putting it off, thinking that I’d get around to it, or there would be a more appropriate time, or a more convenient time, or, or, or…
The phone call was important and I think it meant a lot to the person I called. Thanks for motivating me to call. Thank you for for sharing your life with us!
I hear an echo here…My thanks to Lisis and Albert for this post joins with all the commentors here. I have been fortunate indeed several times in my life to have the caring and compassionate support of someone during a wrestling bout in the black hole. Real contact with a caring person can make all the difference in the world! I aspire to be the kind of person, Lisis, you are. Thank you for the shining example you are and thank you for sharing.
Blessings to you!
~Diane
An inspiring story…a small bit of kindness goes a long way…thanks!
@Michelle: I am so sorry about your friend. And I am also happy that you are enjoying Quest for Balance and finding something of value there. It makes all the difference in the world to me, because I’m not writing just to see my words in print. I write in an effort to help… every little success counts.
@Lori: I am SO glad you made that call. I guess you were meant to read this post today. Funny how the universe works, huh?
@Diane: You are welcome… and you are already exactly the person you need to be. I’m so glad you have a compassionate someone to help you through the dark times. If you ever can’t reach that person, you can always email me.
Lisis, Wow this is a very powerful post, so glad I clicked through. I think we all have moments like that in our lives, where we wonder ‘what if I had taken a moment, made a different choice?’ I know I have several like that. Of course you’ll never know with your friend, obviously he had many people in this life that at some point in the process reached out, and he was in a place where he pushed them all away. But I think what is so powerful in this story is that eventually you redirected your guilt into noticing – noticing others in a different way. It is so easy for that to slip away, to get caught in business, and miss these little moments of need in others, moments where very little on our part might make a big different to them. So I appreciate this very potent reminder of that. A lot. Namaste-
Hi Lisis,
Great post. Your post raises an interesting point about how sometimes people are so unaware of the pain that others are experiencing. I think many people suffer in silence and when they do speak out it is because they want some type of acknowledgment and help. Many people unfortunatley ignore such pleas.
So I think it is wonderful that you are encouraging others to be loving and compassionate to others who may be hurting. I think the current state of the world shows how much pain we are all in and that what the world needs now more than ever is love and compassion.
Thank you for sharing this story with us, Lisis. This is a touching tribute to your friend. What an amazing way to remember him and celebrate his life — by reaching out and helping others. : )
Lisis, it’s great that you responded to the commenter to keep a line of communication open. The feeling of isolation increases suicidal tendencies.
I happen to have just used the following quote recently on somebody else’s thread, but it’s so good I think it bears repeating. I don’t know where it’s from – I remember that the professor I heard it from was quoting someone:
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
Lisis,
When I was an undergrad, a fellow student committed suicide just before the exams. I wasn’t his best friend but certainly knew him well enough to have dropped in or called just to say hello. I didn’t. Many of us, his friends, lived with guilt too. It must have been a hundred times worse for you. Thanks for sharing this.
And your reaching out to a total stranger because of a chance comment you read… wow. I agree with the rest – you’re a shining example. Thank you.
Love and compassion encourages hope – something that a depressed person needs.
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your story; that must have been such a difficult time.
Love and compassion can go a long way in helping someone. They also take awareness and time – and sometimes effort. It’s heartening that you took your time to show a stranger love and compassion. You’re a wonderful example.
Wow! I got a little behind on replying to comments (while I was getting my “sanity” sleep). I am so humbled by all of your thoughtful comments.
Paul, I love that quote you shared with us: “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
So true.
Thanks for the great post Lisis.
There was a time in my life I was contemplating suicide. Many people came to visit me, I sent them away, making sure their conscience was clear.
As a recovered alcoholic and helping others, suicide and death is common. Its tough, and some people you just cannot help. But as you say, we must try. In my experience, its not the ones who talk about suicide a lot, but the quiet ones to pay attention to.
Having been to a place of complete despair, most of the time I can sense that “tiredness” from someones heart. You can see it in their eyes and their voice. Just let them know they are loved.
Thanks again for sharing your story.
Thank you, Jared. You are so right about that… often times it’s the quiet ones we really need to worry about. That was the case with my friend; he just disappeared from the radar. No plea for help, no dramatic suicide note, nothing.
Many times when someone is talking about suicide, they are really just looking for someone else to reach out to them (ANYone else)… and that is fairly easy to do. I suppose once a person has made up their mind about it, there isn’t much that will make a difference. In those cases, we should still try anyway.
Thanks for a great comment, and I am especially glad you recovered from your abyss.
Thanks for sharing. Great to know the world is full of such kind people.
Lisis, this is such a great post.We should never underestimate the power of compassion.
Hi Lisis
Thank you for this amazing post, this really touched me. Growing up I contemplated suicide countless time. Today, I look back wondering how my brain could work that way. But it did and I am happy that my brain no longer works that way.
I say “Love and Compassion wins” everytime. Keep on being you.
Thank you for sharing.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Action
yh great story,
Thank you for your comments everyone!
Giovanna… I am SUPER happy your brain no longer works like it did back in the “dark” days.
Many thanks,serene_balance,
strawberries should grow in the kind and tender garden of yours.
You are so welcome, my friend. Thanks for being such an inspiration.
Thank you so much for this post. I have begun to read your other entries, and I am finding that from this one, which I read in despondance, I have gravitated towards happening upon your site when I am feeling better about life. Thank you for your wonderful words.
Hi, Andrew… I’m glad you liked it, and so sorry that you have been despondent. I hope that things are getting better.
You are always welcome at Quest For Balance, and my email is all over that place if you want to contact me or chat with me about anything.
I don’t have a whole lot to offer, but I can CARE… and I do.
Thanks for sharing this story full of love and compassion.
People should be compassionate and loving towards each other, so the world can become a better place to live. Lis, I think you did a classic act. You are a soul-healer. Salute to you.
Luckily, my friends are living their full lives pleasantly, getting married and having children. Well, some of them don’t do well, end up in divorce after a short spell. As a single gal, sometimes I get depressed in finding true love.
Do you belive in true love?
Hi Lisis
Many people have no idea how to deal with the suicidal, the sick, or the dying. And blog comments are new ground in which to deal with anything emotionally potent.
Have you considered what you did offer your friend? Your experience with your father gave you insight and support he would not have had anywhere else. Even his family. Had you called, it may have made a difference that day. But in the end, it is his decision alone. All you can decide is your own response. Had you tried anything, it’s likely you too would have been blacklisted. You were there for him whenever he asked. I’m sure he remains grateful.
Perhaps consider your experience with your father added to your grief over his death as well. What helps one to relate also helps one to suffer. And then, helps one to act.
For myself, I don’t see love and compassion as winning or loosing but rather seen or unseen. Accepted or not. Recognized or not. They are always present if we choose to see.
Thank you for sharing such a personal and profound story. Warming to see what the experience has brought to you.
@ Birdie:
Sorry it took me so long to answer. I’ve been entangled in a technical issue with my blog.
As to your question, I do believe in true love, but not so much the Jane Austen kind of Romantic love I used to read about. I think looking for that kept me from finding what I could’ve had all along.
My husband and I met during a challenging year, when my parents crashed their plane, and his first marriage had recently ended. Because of this, we didn’t play the usual games of pretending to be perfect. We were real, and vulnerable, and honest.
We got engaged six weeks after our first date, and married five months later. That was ten years ago.
Sorry this was practically a post, but I want you to know it is VERY possible to find and marry a kind, loving, decent guy. Feel free to email me and we can chat about it as long as you want:
MyQuestForBalance at gmail dot com.
@ Davidya: You know… you brought up a very important point: the blacklist. I have to say that, because of the experience with my dad, I knew all too well about the list.
I figured he already had family and friends trying to convince him that he was bipolar and needed help. I got to play a different role when he called; I was his “soft place to fall.”
I do believe, from the bottom of my heart, that added some value during those tough times. And you are right, love and compassion are always present if we choose them.
Lisis, thank you so much for sharing such your story with us – from the comments posted here, you clearly touched all our hearts with this. In my work as a coach, I often have people who tell me they feel like dying (these are perfectly fine people on the outside too; they aren’t under depression of any sort). It usually comes across as a sudden realization during the coaching that the life they are leading isn’t what they want after all. I’ve a feeling that this is what majority of the population feels as well, just that there is never the actual context to let loose of these thoughts. What we can do is definitely be there for people and guide them out of their ruts where possible. And you reaching out to the person online is definitely that. I feel really blessed to know you. I’m going to check out your site now!
Hi, Celes! You are so right about that. Many of my closest friends and family are currently feeling that sense of frustration and hopelessness… like they are trapped in a life they wouldn’t choose for themselves.
It’s very hard to try to help someone through that because I can’t do much to improve their options. But at least, by reaching out we can let others know we care, and they are not alone. Sometimes that’s enough.
I look forward to having you visit Quest For Balance. Make yourself at home, take a look around… I hope you’ll enjoy it and keep coming back.
Great post with some amazing insights. I have so much to say on this topic. It’s a small part of my past which I have accepted; and defeated.
But you can’t live in the past, so I will just leave you with this:
Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln
Well said, Jonathan. I like that saying on two different levels. One is that most people can decide how happy we want to be. The other is that the word “most” still allows for those who really can’t make that choice… because of brain chemicals or something else.
Those of us who CAN choose to be happy, should. Then maybe we can help those who can’t quite get there on their own.
It is really a sad story. It hurt me deeply and made me cry. I can realize how people suffer by bipolar disorder disease. This story is very touchy. I would like to give special thanks to the writer for such story. People who are suffering from this kind of disease need love and care. Writer Lisis did his best as a friend. I think readers will get the idea how to treat with sick people.
Hey, Kamrul! I’m glad you liked the story… and sorry it made you cry. But you are absolutely right: people dealing with bipolar, or any other major disease, definitely need the right love and care. It could make a world of difference.
Hi Lisis,
On reading your blog “Do you believe in true love” brought me to your post here. You know what I had just received an email from a dear friend this morning told me she was not in a very good condition & she is going through something pretty tough currently. This post reminded me to stop procastinate and begin to care & give more attention to some one in need! Immediately I send her an email and promise to call her by tommorow.
Thanks for reminding me to be a more sensitive soul and be more compassion to others need.
I reacalled this quote from some one: “Always take time for people. How many times we’ve allow essentially unimportant things in life to take precedent over the things that matter most?”
Jen
Hi Lisis,
One thing to add: both your stories on “Do you believe in true love” and “Love and Compassion Can Defeat Suffering and Depression” made me cry. I hate to admit that they did make me cry but still I want to say thank you
Jen
Aww… Jen, that is so sweet. I guess it’s OK that they made you cry as long as it was in a positive way… if the stories warmed your heart. Right?
I am so thrilled that you decided to put off your “to do” list in order to contact your friend right away. The fact that she was actually reaching out to you is a big deal since, for most of us, it’s hard to admit when we need help.
I don’t know what you will be able to do for her, or how things will turn out, but I’m certain you will never regret making time to show compassion towards your friend.
Thank you for sharing this story with me, Jen!
I was once suffering from a serious depression. But with the help of my family and with the support and love of friends. I actually make it through.
Annie, that’s fantastic news! I am so glad you had a wonderful support group to help you through. It’s very encouraging to know what a difference the love of friends can make.
Thanks for your comment.
Hi Lissis,
Thank you also for this wonderful post. I saw your heart and love on this article that you wrote, and I really admire you on this.
Even though you barely know that person. You still make a way to reach out for him and show him that there’s still hope. Just like my friends who has never give up on me. And even through some of my friends are far off. They still make it a point to reach out for me and show me that they care.
Hi, Annie! I’m glad you liked the post, and I am really glad you have supportive friends to help you get through tough times. It’s amazing what a difference even one friend can make.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU KNOW YOU HAVE PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU BUT IT’S SOOOO DARK….IT DOESN’T MATTER?
IT’S VERY DARK AND MY ENERGY IS WANING
I’M ASHAMED I CAN’T SNAP MYSELF OUT OF THIS. I’VE CREATED THIS MENTAL PRISON. I CAN SEE THAT I’VE BUILT THE WALLS BUT CANT BREAK FREE. I’M SO STUPID. I’VE DONE THIS TO MYSELF SO WHY CAN’T I UNDO IT?
SHE’LL NEVER EVER LOVE YOU. HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOURSELF THAT?
HOW DO I KNOW? BECAUSE SHE’S MARRIED. SHE DOESN’T KNOW. AND THE WORSE PART IS, I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND. TREMENDOUS GUILT,DARKNESS, HEAVYNESS, SHAME, UNWORTHINESS. THIS ISN’T FAIR TO HER OR ME.
THIS IS SOOO STUPID. YEAH I’VE BEEN QUIET ABOUT IT. NO ONE KNOWS. IT’S BETTER THAT WAY. I REMEMBER CONTEMPLATING SUICIDE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. I WAS VERY CLOSE. ONE DAY MY FATHER BURST INTO THE BATHROOM WHEN I WAS GETTING READY FOR SCHOOL. HE WAS ANGRY. HE WAS ANGRY B/C HE GOT A CALL FROM THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR WORRIED I MAY KILL MYSELF. MY FATHER YELLED “YOU DON’T WANT TO KILL YOUSELF YOU JUST WANT ATTENTION!”. HE WAS UPSET THAT I EVEN MENTIOEND IT TO ANYONE AT SCHOOL. HMMMMMMM. I THINK HE WAS EMBARASSED. AFTER THAT HE STORMED OUT. WELL, ATTENTION WASNT WHAT I WAS AFTER. NEEDLESS TO SAY I DIDN’T GO THROUGH WITH IT BECAUSE I COULDN’T PUT MY MOTHER THROUGH THAT. IT’S MUCH DARKER NOW THOUGH. sigh. so be it. life it what it is. i’ll live with the pain as long as can
Anon, please provide a proper email address if you are looking for communication! Remember that Lisis (and I) can’t do anything if we can’t contact you. May I also suggest seeing another professional or calling a hotline? I know your father shamed you for it before but you can probably do it anonymously.
Hi, Anon… I am currently on a road trip with only sporadic internet access. However, if you would like to email me, I would love to correspond with you whenever I have the opportunity. My email is myquestforbalance (at) gmail (dot) com.
I’ll look forward to hearing from you.
Lisis
I am moved by your sharing of your correspondence with the person who mentioned suicide. There are really moments in our life that we are so down and all we need is a shoulder or a listener ear. I have had an experience of this myself with my friend, I never knew he cherished the time I spent with him when he was down.
Too bad compassion doesn’t beat depressing spammers…
@ Shercy: Thank you for your comment, and for all the rest you’ve left throughout the rest of the blog.
@ Davidya: LOL!
Thank you, this is so true!
A powerful and touching post. Depression is such a vital issue to create awareness about. It can be totally overwhelming, but however much we may suffer, we can know that we are not alone, and that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Thank you to those of you who commented recently. I’m really glad you were able to connect with this post. It is meaningful to me on so many levels.
This is a great essay. My son has depression and has harbored suicidal thoughts. It is our love that has helped him to get better. He has become better a lot but depression is still there. I can empathise with people who suffer from drpression or who have loved ones who suffer from depression. But yes, love and affection helps those who have depression.
It helpes everyone. We all need love and affection and friendship.
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