Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Believe in Change. Thanks!
While each of us is inevitably shaped by our backgrounds, culture, society etc, and we develop preferences, likes, dislikes, interests, and so forth, we also develop what we call personality traits. If someone asks what kind of person you are, you might say, “I’m outgoing” or “I’m shy” or any number of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but equally identifiable qualities that indicate how we present ourselves to the world.
When discussing personality, the word ‘ego’ has it’s own set of connotations. “Egotistical” is in itself a trait that we associate with a certain kind of person that perhaps is very self-absorbed, requires a lot of attention and so on. For the purpose of this article, the concept of ‘ego’ is the false set of ideas and thoughts we believe to contain our “self”.
It is my belief that almost any defined personality trait we feel that we have is simply a marker as to where our ego is strongest. And therefore it is an opportunity for growth as we strip away the labels and find that instead of losing parts of ourselves, we gain further insight into who we truly are.
When we label ourselves with our traits we are just building a box for ourselves which limits us but at the same time provides us with a comfort zone and a set of parameters for how we behave and even excuses as to why we do it. ”Well that’s just my personality,” we might say. Or, “that’s just how I am,” as if that has nothing to do with us and is not in our control!
I always used to describe myself as a ‘shy’ person, which would seem to be the opposite of egotistical – not wanting limelight, attention, content to remain in the background. This was something that I could remember being true since I was a child so I had pretty much accepted this as a fact about myself. As I grew up it also happened to serve a purpose. I generally dislike ‘small talk’ in social situations, so by acting as a shy person, I had a convenient excuse not to really be that social or engage people too much.
Then I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth and in it he says that shyness is just another function of ego. Instead of being driven through a need for attention and recognition, shyness is usually a fear of what people might think of you if reveal yourself through what you do or say. For me, it’s about not wanting the attention, not wanting people to ‘see’ me, or even worse, for them to ‘misunderstand’ me and then forcing me to have to explain myself (because god forbid they form a ‘wrong’ opinion of me!). I guess deep down it’s a fear that I will not be accepted for who I really am, or I won’t be taken seriously, so by avoiding revealing anything, I protect myself from any judgment.
As I explored Tolle’s statement further, and the truth of it became undeniable, I allowed myself to look at it from another perspective and to see the ways my life could open up if I stopped attaching to shyness as a defining trait. I realized that it had given me a free pass to not bother really interacting with the world and that I was therefore missing out on a host of experiences.
I also bumped up against a significant paradox. As I journeyed on my spiritual path I realized that my so-called shyness was actually damaging my ability to really BE spiritual in a practical way. How could I really express compassion, kindness or make any kind of impact on the world if I was actually running away from it? My spirituality existed in my head, and that’s about it! I realized that I was essentially insulating myself from those parts of society I didn’t want to deal with – ignorance, injustice etc by hiding behind shyness, limiting my contact with, exposure to and influence on the outside world. Jill Bolte Taylor says in her book “My Stroke of Insight” that you have to be responsible for the energy that you bring. And I realized I could bring much better energy and be much more free and impactful without this “shyness”.
Bringing awareness to whatever characteristic you struggle with is one of the most effective ways to start free-ing yourself from it. As soon as I acknowledged that my shyness was NOT something innate, and was just in fact a part of my ego, that immediately changed how I thought about it. It made me feel more empowered and also motivated to change it because doing otherwise would simply be continuing to feed my ego. It made this thing called ‘shyness’ smaller and less significant as I realized it was just another mind trick, not a defining characteristic. I could no longer deny how it was limiting me in so many ways.
The next step is to bring consciousness to every situation where you find yourself falling back on that characteristic. The more I caught myself shying away from interaction, the more I was able to then replace that reaction with deliberate openness. I even invented a little game for myself where I decided that if I was walking down the street I would smile at everyone I saw, and if for some reason I couldn’t do that, I would at the least send them a positive thought. This helped to change my perception of the world and go about with a more open disposition.
I also examined the reason why I would be likely to avoid eye contact or interaction. It was a deep-seated, albeit irrational fear that I would seem stupid, or that it would make me vulnerable. The more I examined this, the more I realized that it was simply ridiculous.
So now I am able to be in a position to be much more responsible for the energy that I am offering up to the world. By being a more open presence to others, it enables them to also be more open and comfortable. If I want the world to treat me with respect and compassion, it is my responsibility to offer the same to the world. I am no longer reacting to situations, but proactively setting an intention for my energy and presence. I’m becoming a participant of life instead of a bystander.
Once I stopped limiting myself with shyness, I was free to explore new territory. I started volunteering – teaching a basic computer skills class to adults in a drug & alcohol rehab facility. I had to stand in front of 15 adults, essentially be the center of attention, connect with them and be an effective teacher. While the idea of this would have sent me into cold sweats previously, I learned that I enjoyed the role of teacher, interacting with the class and sharing knowledge. When I realized that I was capable of such an experience, I began exploring other such opportunities to help others in ways I would never have done previously. These experiences are proving very valuable to me in my journey and I’m growing at each step and looking at myself in a new light. As a “shy person” I would never have had these experiences, which are proving instrumental in shaping the direction I want my life to go.
Each time we do something to lessen one of our ego-based traits, we open up our world to new possibilities and allow more of our true selves to come to the forefront. I have developed greater compassion as a result of working with my shyness. I can recognize how others may be acting from their ego issues just as I sometimes act from my shyness. Not only that, but now that I am more open and wiling to engage with life, I realize that more compassion is needed in order to avoid being angered by the events and circumstances of daily life. By the same token, I can enjoy life’s positive moments more deeply, and find even more to appreciate.
Self-examination of your personality to detect where your ego might be leading the way can be an effective tool in dissolving your ego, loosening your boundaries and allowing your consciousness to naturally expand.
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32 Comments
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WONDERFUL post. I’m not a shy person but I do become shy in certain situations and I’m going to be thinking about this post the next time I’m feeling awkward or out of place. Thanks so much for including this wonderful guest post!
Certainly, no idea about yourself is ultimately true. This is a tremendously freeing insight. Replacing “I am shy” with “I am open and compassionate” is a powerful shift in self-concept. You are now acting-as-if you are this new person, just as before you were under the spell of the “I am shy” belief. Wonderful!
Tolle’s concept of “ego” seems to equate ideas about self with the cause of all suffering however, as if we could somehow get rid of self-concept. Believing “I am open and compassionate” is just as much ego or self-concept as “I am shy”–it’s just a hell of a lot more useful and causes a lot less suffering.
There is no need to demonize self-concept generally. We can simply change our ideas of self to be more useful, with the very awareness and action you describe here.
Right when you defined “ego” at the start of this post, I started thinking about Eckart Tolle. It’s funny that you mentioned him later on!
I completely agree with you that labels we put on ourselves are truly a function of the ego. By stripping away labels of ourselves and just allowing ourselves to be who we naturally are, I think much better things will shine through. Thanks for the post!
Duff – you make a great point. Any choice we make about what/who we think we are is still a construct. But as you point out, this can be a useful tool to move in more positive directions.
I talk about this general idea in my article entitled “Don’t Be Positive, Be Happy!”
http://believeinchange.net/don.....-be-happy/
Great stuff!
Awareness is it–that gentle, unoccupied, passive watchfulness–and then everything opens up magically.
Great post! We often associate pride with ego, but we do not realize that shyness is also a thing about the ego too. To truly BE our highest potential, we need to be able to put our ego aside. Shyness can be overcome. We can be quietly confident, without being loud or bossy.
What a wonderful article. Thank you for sharing.
I”m definitely not a shy person, but I think that Eckhart Tolle’s lessons about the ego and the power it has over our lives are invaluable in your personal growth. Great post.
Thanks for this. One important point this raises is that, even if we’re silent and withdrawn, we affect people with our way of being. There’s no getting around having an impact on others, and when we realize that the whole idea of hiding away starts to seem futile anyway.
Thanks for the perspective. Well thought.
I remember going to a satsang with Gangaji. She spoke of a ‘willingness to be seen’ which really rang a bell for me.
I’ve found there are certain things that were part of the ego story, certain things driven by the deeper core identity (more gripping sub-conscious needs) and some things that, shall we say, came with the package. Traits and tendencies that will simply be there.
Shyness would be a good example. It is indeed an ego trait, designed very much as you suggest to protect oneself from being judged. A sensitivity to others opinions we could say. That usually arises from some sort of story of “not good enough”.
Temperament, on the other hand, is partly just part of the package. We’ll tend to be introverted or extroverted for life. But just because we’re introverted, does not mean we won’t get up in front of a large crowd for a talk. It just means we need more personal time as that’s how we recharge. Extroverts recharge from face time. Tolle would be a good example of continuing traits.
I’ve been quite surprised by what’s fallen away. Even things like personal interests turned out to sometimes be driven by a story. And things I thought I disliked turned out to be fear driven. Like writing. (laughs)
A great read. The “Shyness Comes from Ego” part really is a new perspective that I never thought about.
I cannot agree more with being “aware”. Getting to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses is one of the most essential things once should do. The sooner you identify where you stand, the better equilibrium you will get between shy and a show-off.
Thank you for your comments everyone!
I always had and still do have a loud voice and when I laugh it’s usually boisterous.
My nicknames were big mouth, loud mouth etc as a kid.
As an adult I discovered my loudness was due to my ADHD.
Secondly I was one of 10 children and I think I used my voice to be heard!
I used to be a professional speaker and I learned my strong and clear voice is a gift.
I’ve learned how to reign in my energy and my voice followed.
I know have more personal power and am happy I have a great voice and laugh
Hey Tess, it’s funny I think, that a lot of the ‘disadvantages’ we had as a kid turned out to be the very things we are thankful for as a grownup! Thanks for that comment.
Awwwsome article!!
your definition of ego was really interesting. because you put it right after your definition of personality, i got to thinking about what the difference is between the two… and there doesn’t seem to be much difference at all. apart from our negative connotations about ego, it seems that ego is more focused on the internal workings and personality the manifestation of those workings, though that kinda blurs it even more together for me
was refreshing to be reminded of some ecky new earth content, specially the bit about shyness
i deeeeefinitely agree that shyness is a manifestation of ego. ego is separation, shyness is seeing a difference in something between you and another that you’re not happiness. so definitely an implicit connection.
really liked your suggestion number 4 about expanding your sense of who you are. so key. one question i find really helps me, from the sedona method, is to feel all the noise and ego that you think you are, and ask yourself, “if i’m not that… what am i?”
more than anything, for me, it’s about realising that your personality and your ego are things you have. your personality. your ego. they’re just things you’ve collected and made important. they aren’t important and they’re not you and you can let them go and be free.
inspiring stuff.
gave it a stumble
keep in touch
alex – unleash reality
Hi Alex
Good observation about personality. From what I’ve seen, a lot of what we call “personality” is either an effect of ego or our beliefs about ourselves – something closely related.
However, it can be seen that even the awake continue to have personality traits so we can’t say it’s all ego. But the stuff that gets on the way of being ourselves certainly falls away. Depending on the person, this can be a small or a big change.
This is a really great article with a lot of practical advice. I completely agree that shyness is actually self-centered at times. I say this, being myself shy, although I have improved a lot. I notice that the older I get, the less I worry about what others think, thus I’m far less shy than I used to be.
This is a really great post. Thanks for sharing the insight that shyness is a function of ego. Truth be told, everything we do and act is a function of ego. We shouldn’t think in binary terms of ego or non-ego; rather it should be about integration of our ego and our higher self.
This is a fantastic perspective on our personalities!
Indeed when I read A New Earth I remember being surprised too by the shy being linked to ego. But then upon further analysis it made so much sense.
And in the end of it all – everything always comes down to awareness, consciousness and being mindful.
We have the power to be, do or have anything, and linking to personality traits as faults is in many ways, nothing more than speaking out of ego. Thanks!
A big thank you for your comments again everyone!
Great post! I can really relate to what you write, I act and think in the same way as you describe in the post and have recently discovered that I want to change this behavior. This post is a great start for me! Thank you for sharing!
Excellent post. Thanks for the fodder for growth. Look forward to reading more.
peace always,
jack
As a person who was very shy as a child still harboring several tendencies towards shyness under certain circumstances, I found this article fascinating.
Upon reflection, I can see how shyness is can be perceived as related to ego, but I’d say from a low esteem perspective. I completely understand your fear of people accepting you for who you are. I was the same way.
Over the years, I’ve learned to become more accepting of myself; therefore, much of my shyness has evaporated.
Kim
Great post! Overcoming shyness may seem overwhelming or impossible. But it is actually not. It just takes effort, just like changing any behavior, but it is very possible and well worth the effort.
This post is great because not only does it define the root of the problem, but it outlines the method for overcoming the issue in a way that doesn’t seem overwhelming.
Thank You.
Thank you for your comments, everybody.
Confidence comes from dressing sharply, exercising, speaking your mind, pursuing a dream and finding the best in others. Overcoming your social fears through action. Without action, there is no growth!
Hi Jonathan, thanks for that comment
“Shy” that is even my nickname. I got it from a friend before who thinks I am a truly shy person and so gave me the name. Thank you for this article and encouraging me to expand myself, which in a way will also result to an expansion in others. I am looking forward to a better me.
As I was browsing online to find some related articles to the one I had just published…I seen your article and I must say; this is indeed such a nice article. Thank you ever so much for sharing.
Sincerely,
Kazooli
I really enjoyed this article. It’s amazing to hear about someone with a very similar story to my own. I’ve been shy most of my life and I’m always trying to break away from it. A year ago, with one semester left in college, I would have never guessed I would be teaching at a high school, in front of a crowd of kids, sharing my knowledge and talking this much. I’m still very quiet in social situations, but I now know that I can get out there and control a room of people, run the conversation and at least seem like I’m not too nervous.
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