Freud once theorised that we are driven by the pleasure-pain principle. That is, most of our pursuits instinctually revolve around pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain. But while avoiding negative events and people might be smart in the external world, this instinct works against us in our inner life. We cannot run away from our pain and unresolved emotions, for they are a part of us.
What do we do when we are upset? We blur it out with the noise from the television; drown it with alcohol; obscure it with smoke. This tendency is so strong that even after years of emotional work many still fall into it. But this never works, not in the long run. Emotions are there, simply to be felt.
And in doing so, they let go of us.
A popular analogy is a rubber gardening hose. In a proper hose, the water flows right through it, always fresh, never leaving a mark. Even if the water is dirty, all we have to do is to keep it flowing and it will pass. But what happens if we try to block it off? We tie it up into knots, we step on it. And it works for a little while. But over time, the pressure builds. The rest of the hose begins to leak and crack, and soon the entire hose ruptures.
It is the same with our emotions – we can’t block them off. Just feel them completely; welcome them, without acting on them. Slowly, we begin to free ourselves from our own prison, and let the pain go.
In this post, I present this basic practice, with just enough theory and nothing else. Old readers will realise it is a summary of the old emotional mastery series. They are right, for this is part of the restructuring of the blog.
Allow me to explain. In personal growth, there are two areas we can work on – cognitions (thoughts and beliefs) and emotions. Each person will naturally prefer working with one of these, and over the years I have found core practices for each. These have become the basic tools of the blog, and most of the other posts are “booster” techniques, using the basics in different ways to overcome an inner block. The problem is: I described each practice – core or booster – as I discovered them, which meant they were scattered all over the place, in the wrong order, and in very long series. So, to make things easier, I’m putting each practice in its own post and labelling them as such.
So, let’s try this practice now. Think of something or someone that makes you afraid, sad, or angry. For practice, pick a topic with less emotional charge.
Note: Nothing on this blog is a substitute for the care of a qualified mental health professional. If you suffer from a mental disorder, or are a victim of trauma or abuse, please consult your provider first!
The first step is to realise that we are not our emotions. We are not sad; there is sadness inside us. We are not angry; there is anger inside us. If we are identified with our emotions, we can’t do anything about it. I am a human being – I can’t change that.
But when we realise it is just a feeling, and it is not us, we remove our investment, and we can take steps to heal it. We can behave in appropriate ways, instead of being controlled by it. Take anger, for example. Every time I acted out my anger – by screaming and shouting – I wrongly thought I was the anger, and did what it told me to do.
Scan for sensations in your body. Ask yourself – where is it located? What does it feel like? For most people, the feelings are strongest in the face, neck, and chest. My fear feels like nausea, a coldness and clamminess in my skin. Sadness feels like a ‘softness’ in my face. Anger brings up heat and a ‘stiffness’.
Gently put your attention on it, and then just begin to relax into it. Breathe slowly and deliberately. Just like with physical pain, our body often reacts by stiffening up in an effort to block these sensations off. Keep reminding yourself to relax your muscles and just feel the emotions, allowing them to wash through. Thich Nhat Hanh puts it beautifully when he tells us to smile at the energy internally – Hello – and let it pass through. The more we resist the pain, the longer it takes.
Try not to go into the mind, your thoughts, or your story about your feelings. They feed the pain, like throwing wood into a fire. If we indulge in them, we might be doing the opposite of healing the pain – we might in fact be wallowing in it. When your stories or thoughts arise, let them pass without focusing on them, and gently bring your attention back to the raw sensation.
This is a very natural tendency – in fact we have been doing it for most of our lives – so don’t hate yourself for it. Even now, I still tend to get caught up in my story. How dare she do that to me? How dare he say that? Sometimes I would relive the memory aimlessly, or drift off into revenge fantasies. How can this be healing? It just made matters worse.
Most importantly, believing our mind can lead to hurtful behaviour. Sometimes our bodies want to behave in certain ways – crying, or curling up in a ball. That’s fine. But often our stories will tell us to seek revenge, to hurt ourselves or other people. Please don’t – remember that safety and respect for all, including yourself, is important. Gently bring your attention back to the raw emotion.
These three ingredients are vital. Without them, nothing changes. I have a friend who struggled with depression for years. One day, her therapist told her she had to allow herself to grieve. She thought to herself – What do you think I’ve been doing all this time?
But that was different. She was thoroughly miserable, yes. But she had been fighting it the whole time. She was trying to push the pain away. She investigated and relived and examined the story endlessly. Allowing herself to grieve, however, involved letting herself feel it, knowing that it isn’t her, knowing that it will soon pass.
In this next section, I introduce a variation which builds upon the concepts above. Many Buddhist teachings talk of letting go of, or releasing, your emotions. I prefer this method as I find it faster than allowing, although others say allowing works better for them, and it all ultimately becomes the same thing.
There is an entire system, the Sedona Method
Firstly, pick up a small object, like a pen, and grip it as tightly as you can. It starts to hurt after a while, doesn’t it? How do we let go of it? We simply relax the muscles in our hand, and as we do so, the pen falls out of our grip by itself. We don’t have to do anything, we just have to relax and let go. It is the same with our painful emotions.
In the Method, there are some releasing questions used to teach this process. After a bit of practice, we can simply let go by ourselves, but they are a fantastic learning tool.
Simply ask yourself – Could I let this feeling go? And try to answer it without thinking. Yes or no, it doesn’t matter – just go with your first reaction. The question functions as an invitation, so very often, even with a no, the releasing still happens.
Next, ask yourself – Would I? This is a deeper invitation. Sometimes we think we can’t let go, and yet we want to – we know how much it hurts. This question taps into this willingness, which can overcome any resistance.
If the answer is still no, or you are finding it difficult, ask yourself Would I rather have this feeling, or would I rather be free?
The last question is – When? This is a further invitation to release, right now. If you have a broken arm, are you going to wait until next week to visit the hospital?
Next, simply repeat the four questions until you feel it is gone, or if you are ready to take a break.
Many readers have asked what they should do if they are feeling numb, blank, or empty about an issue that they know is not healed yet. For me, a ‘blankness’ was my defence mechanism, something I used to cover up something I would rather not feel. For others, they are just so cut off from their feelings that it takes a while to get in touch with them again. The good news – this blankness can be released or allowed, just like the more recognisable feelings. Removing this top layer will often allow access to the deeper feelings.
Secondly, one might wonder why there seems to be an unending amount of emotions about a seemingly minor topic. They might think the technique is not working, or their problems are actually getting worse. Most of the time, this reflects a deeper issue that is being healed. For instance, there was a man in my business life who cheated me and abused me verbally. It hurt me for a very long time, which made no sense as many people had done worse and I had only been angry for a day or two. On closer examination, he had triggered many other unhealed wounds, some of which stemmed from childhood.
Lastly, please use your common sense here. In the depths of my depression, facing my sorrows made me feel nauseous, and I often broke down into tears even when I wasn’t meditating. It is extremely rare, but possible that others might get stronger physical symptoms. Always stop if you experience anything physical that you feel you can’t handle. Don’t let this scare you off, it is very rare and only if you have an unusual amount of pain, but always better to put in, just like those “slippery when wet” signs after someone’s mopped the floor.
As mentioned, this post is based on the old emotional mastery series. There are a lot of analogies, stories, and other ideas discussed in the original articles. They also cover some major sticking points – such as denial and repression – so if this form of work is of interest to you, I recommend you read them too. From the feedback I received, these are important in helping many readers push through difficult moments or gain a fuller understanding of the concepts. You can find a list of the articles in the series here: Emotional Mastery.
And these are the two basic techniques for emotional work. They are found in many systems, from schools of modern psychotherapy to ancient spiritual traditions, so you don’t have to take on any belief systems to do them. Don’t give up if you find yourself not doing too well at first. Many of us have denied our feelings for far too long, a habit that has been ingrained in us since childhood. We simply don’t know how to feel anymore.
But that’s okay. It’s all part of the learning process. Just like learning to ride a bicycle, we make mistakes and we don’t do too well the first time. Don’t beat yourself up; just keep practicing. Soon we will find this to be a natural way of being in the world.
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Thanks for this detailed post. It is really wonderful. I am following some of these practices, but not all.
There is a beautiful quote from the book Dune about releasing fear that this post reminds me of:
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain”
I’ve learned and will practice.
I love this part: “We don’t have to do anything, we just have to relax and let go. It is the same with our painful emotions.”
I haven’t studied the Sedona Method, but have found this to be completely true. It’s all about acceptance and letting go (of the illusion of control). Once you do that, you really don’t have to DO anything; what remains when you remove the distractions and chaos is inner peace.
Beautiful post, Albert!
Wow, this is great. I really needed this today as I have some emotions that I’m having trouble coping with. Thank you for sharing all of this great information here. I also loved the quote Lisis pulled out…so perfect for me today.
@ Zen Control: Thank you! Nice work on your own blog too, by the way.
@ PGW: That is a great quote. Never read the book but I remember many hours as a kid lost in the PC game.
@ Lisis: Thanks! I’m glad you like it, and hey – I’m sort of keeping my promise to you for newcomer’s guide. This is part of a restructuring that will eventually lead to the guide.
@ Positively Present: Good to have you here again, and I’m really glad you’ve found it helpful.
Thank you so much for another wonderfully written article with such insight.
I used to be one of those people that wallowed in my pain. I finally recognized and acknowledged that I was doing that, but still wasn’t willing to let go of it. I got to a point where I finally gave myself “permission” to wallow in it for a set period of time – sometimes all I needed was hours…sometimes days & weeks…ugh! I thought this was working for me, but I found that what actually happened is that every time something else would happen to upset me, I’d revisit my old hurts & pains…so I never really did let go of them like I thought. All I actually did was stuff them deep down inside, but they were alway waiting to resurface…and they always did!
I recently got to the point of just being so tired of feeling so much pain and finally learned to really let go of the hurt & pain…its made a huge difference in my life. Your words here will be added to my tools of letting go because one of the many things I’ve recently learned is that its good to have options!
Thanks so much!
Hi Carol, you’re very welcome. I think everyone wallowed in their pain at one point or another – I still do once in a while, despite years of emotional work. One of the booster techniques I refer to in this article might be particularly relevant to you.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/759/s.....suffering/
Let me know how it works for you!
A lovely descriptive post.
As a coincidence, I was listening to the Sedona method again recently. It’s wonderful for encouraging emotions. As much as I love Buddhism, in the west it is energetically associated with trying to be “above” emotions and quiet the mind. There was a very different feel to it when I went to monasteries in India.
Brings to mind a quote from the Dalai Lama when someone asked him that he wanted to get to the end of the journey, to have truly released everything and be enlightened. He wanted to know the quickest path. The response was:
“There is a very quick path, but I don’t think you want it. It’s Patience.”
Great post, i haven’t thought about the rubber hose, great analogy. It’s easier to escape from those feelings that letting them go.
Thanks!
I’m a big fan of the sedona method because of its simplicity. I think the more we can simplify personal development the better.
The Sedona method helps us remember something we’ve always known: releasing emotions is as easy as opening a fisted a hand. I use a simplified version of Sedona, and with just a little practice it becomes automatic and non-verbal.
@ Matthew that’s a very profound quote. Would I be right in interpreting it as the more impatient you are the longer it will take? It’s something I really need to hear, hah! I’m pretty impatient about my progress.
@ Dusan: You’re welcome
@ Srinivas: Definitely – plus it’s one of the quickest tools for working from the inside out. Thanks for your comment.
@ Kaushik: I love the Method too! Some readers tell me the marketing really turns them off, though. Reminds them of the Secret haha!
I sometimes use a similar technique where after awareness I let my mind/body follow all the related links to what I’m looking at.
This shows me a whole chain of elements that eventually leads deeper and deeper until I hit a level that feels like the root cause (or atleast as root cause as I currently reach). This could be likened to experiencing the raw emotion I suppose, afterwards I feel I understand soo much more and I feel it has much less of a grip over me.
Hi Albert,
Isn’t it amazing how so many traditions all lead to the same realization which is at some point we all have to learn to let go? When I first learned to let go, it was such a tremendous feeling. With time, it became a habit and I am so grateful to have had the experiences I have had. There has been a lot of pain in my past but due to learning to let go, I see the blessings in all that happened. For each one of those painful events, made me learn something and helped me to become more compassionate. When we learn to let go, we can then learn to allow ourselves to be who we are and to gradually love ourselves more.
You did a beautiful job in how you wrote this post. It came from the heart and it shows. You rock!
Hey Jarrod and Nadia, good to have you here
@ Jarrod: That’s very interesting. I’ve never tried that before, will be trying it tonight. How I get to the root causes involves dialoguing with the emotions and listening to the stories that they have to tell. Have you tried that?
@ Nadia: That is a wonderful description. Truly, the less that obscures us, the more we see the compassion that underlies us all.
Thats just what I needed to read, I have been reading forums about how to use the sedona method correctly and I ‘accidentally’ finished a very short while before I read this post. Also, does this mean your exams are over and the urbanmonk(y)
is back?
You’re welcome jag!
Great arcticle!
Another VERY effective technique is to allow the emotions and ask for more of it(!), so the resistance will fall away much quicker.
Thank you hen! It is a scary idea for many to ask for more, but truly very effective.
I liked the story about the person who comes to the therapist saying “but I’ve already been allowing this emotion — that’s the whole problem.” But of course the reason the person came to the therapist is because they wanted to “get rid of” how they were feeling, so they have actually been in resistance all along.
Hi Chris! Definitely, her story really stuck in my head, as a really good example. Thanks for your comment.
Hi Albert,
Thanks for a great post. It is a clear and excellent summary of what I have found to be useful and transforming practices.
I have a few problems with how things are expressed. (Those who regard this as cerebral masturbation should read no further. My view is that talking about and thinking about can be useful. This is hardly our concern when overwhelmed by the pain we are feeling – it is for other times.)
Our emotions are indeed part of us – they are particular flavours or shapes of energy I believe. They are not ‘just’ emotions but part of us. That this is often said in the context of not judging them is poorly put – the ‘just’ is a judgement.
Fritz Perls: emotions are too important to waste on a catharsis. What I think he meant is that they are energy to be used for learning and transformation.
Which is why I don’t like the hose analogy. Do we really want to not be changed by what we feel? Even if possible, would it be desirable?
For me it is better to speak of our emotions being one part of us and not all of us. There is also the part that is able to observe – this is really spoken of as ‘just the observer’; there are judgements involved here.
I think my emotions really are me – and knowing this can lead to disidentifying with them too. Instead of resisting I can ‘own’ what I feel.
I know this may sound nit-picky and not as important as the great changes that come from these kinds of practices. However, I care a lot about this, and I think it can help to develop what we do.
Hi Evan, thank you for that thought-provoking comment. You raise a very good point, and I don’t really know what to say. I’ll definitely need to think about the topic a bit more before I can contribute to this very important discussion.
Perhaps our personality and individual differences will influence the way we approach such work. By analogy, we learn to drive a car more or less the same way, but after a couple of months we begin to develop our own style of driving. What do you think?
Hi Albert, I’m sure we do develop our own styles and start in different places (cerebral, emotional, kinaesthetic and so on).
I think it is an important discussion. I look forward to what you have to say.
I was thinking about it a little last night. In some spiritual traditions, painful emotions reveal places we need healing from, and actions taken from a place like that is never as optimal as those from a place of love (which for these purposes can be defined as an absence of fear/hostility).
Some traditions speak of an underlying awareness or lovingness which is always present and untouched by the surface stuff (I might just be misinterpreting it though).
This might or might not be the observer you refer to. This is why I prefer to release as much negative emotions as I can before taking any action.
Also, owning is a very important subject and is a whole new discussion. Some emotions we deny and repress, these need to be owned or they will forever “own us”. Observing and releasing can only happen after we have owned them, which to some might sound like a paradox – “We have to own them and then disidentify from them?”
That’s the start of my own rough ideas, although I’m not sure if it makes sense – writing in the comments is very different from writing a proper post and is more prone to mistakes. Would love to hear your perspectives.
Hi Albert,
I’d like to read a post where you explore these kinds of things.
Owning in one sense is I think disidentifying.
I know a Margi whose approach to meditation is: if it comes up it is a plea for love. My (perhaps wrong) understanding of some zen schools is that if you meditate and don’t attach you find that awareness/compassion is there (always).
I think negative versus painful is an interesting discussion. We can have a heart attack from an excess of joy.
I think you’re exactly right in my experience that observing and releasing after we have owned.
Looking forward to any more thoughts you may have.
The first thing that jumped to mind would be Ken Wilber’s discussion of the shadow.
He said that traditional meditation (dis-identification, observation, etc) does not work if the feeling is caused by the shadow. For instance, if I hate someone, not because of him but because I have projected my shadow traits onto him, no amount of meditation I do will change a thing, as I am dealing with the inauthentic (or did he say secondary?) emotion.
I found this to be true. The man who abused me verbally in my business life (I briefly mentioned at the end of this article) represented my shadow. This was why releasing only worked to a certain point and then I seemed to have been stuck for a very long time. It seemed to be a never-ending flow.
In the past year I’ve been slowly and surely reclaiming my projections onto him and releasing then seems to have started working again.
I’m very interested in becoming a Jungian analyst. As part of this training I am required to undergo quite a few hours of analysis myself over a period of a couple of years, and I’m starting my first hour this Thursday. I hope to discuss my projections onto him with her, and am very excited!
Wow, Jungian! Wouldn’t have thought that this was your cup of tea at all. Very much looking forward to hearing how you find it.
Interesting thought of Wilber’s. I need to think about it some more.
Haha, I’m just testing the waters at the moment. Going to have a few sessions to see how I like it, as it is a huge financial and time commitment.
With Wilber, I guess I can clarify a bit more. The real issue was my disowned and repressed traits, for example, verbal nastiness. As you know, when I deny this, I project it onto others, in this case, my ex-client.
So let’s say 60% of my suffering comes from him being nasty to me. 40% comes from my own hatred and denial of my own trait. I released the 60% but found that the 40% refused to budge, because I was releasing the secondary / wrong thing. It was like having a rotten rat in my room. I can open the windows and let the stench out but as long as the carcass is still there the stench will reappear.
Without owning my disowned traits, I was just releasing the stench, which is never-ending. Part of my shadow work was reowning my nastiness, and slowly begin to remove the genuine source of my suffering, not the inauthentic hatred I felt for my ex-client.
Did that make sense? I’m not sure if that’s how Wilber meant it, but that’s how I interpret it.
Whoops – the secondary/wrong thing I discussed above refers to my projections. Ie. I hate his nastiness, instead of being honest and saying I hate my own nastiness.
Over on Chris Edgar’s Purpose Power Coaching blog there is a related discussion – around the book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, regarding shadow work.
Your comment about bypassing the mind truly struck a cord with me. I am a very self aware person (very aware of my feelings, emotions, sources of emotions), but for all my awareness I am a wallower – I wallow in my anxiety, sadness, hurt, whatever, and use food and sleep to self medicate. I’ve been working to alter these habits and move past them for some time now, but after reading this post I realize I’ve never been fully present in the emotion.
This post is absolutely profound in the wisdom it shares, thank you so much for putting it out there.
Thank you Nacie. I’m glad it helped, and don’t beat yourself up for wallowing – everyone does it. You might even notice that sometimes we secretly take pleasure in it. Owning that will help you move past it. Good luck, and do let me know how you get on.
I’m fascinated by the debate between Albert and Evan, I do indeed believe it’s very important. Earlier on the blog, I read about the tonglen meditation. Isn’t it a great practice of owning difficult stuff first before releasing it? I believe letting things go may not be sufficient in some cases … the owning stage is vital, and this is what tonglen seems to be doing.
Hi Jardine, thanks for reminding me of the tonglen. I haven’t done it for a while, and I don’t know how it works with owning. I do know, though, that it really breaks thru some of the blocks we have.
For instance, even if I release my anger I might still think of XYZ as an asshole, and therefore I can’t complete my process because I secretly don’t want to like him. I.e. I want to feel good and still hate him, which is impossible.
Tonglen really breaks this block apart, in my experience.
Hi Albert, I think that by breathing in your difficult emotion, whatever it is (it was a form of self-aversion for me), you accept your shadow element, you don’t push it away. By breathing out its opposite, you do the release. I tried only releasing first, and it didn’t work. The more fully you allow yourself to experience that difficult emotion as you breate it in, the more efficient the release.
I know people use tonglen mostly for issues they have with others, but I found it extremely useful for various forms of shame and self-blockage that are otherwise hard to get rid of just congnitively.
Fantastic blog, I’m a fan!
Thanks for sharing that Jardine, it’s great to hear new perspectives.
This post is incredibly timely for me. Thank you.
You’re welcome David!
I really enjoyed this post! You make really strong points.
It’s so true about your interpretation of Freud’s theory and ourselves internally. Our ego sometimes tend to take over and cover up the problems that should be resolved. We do that in the external setting sometimes as well. Sometimes, it’s easier just to allow yourself to not see the problem, then tried to solve a chain of complex problems. It becomes a huge mountain that we created. I really like your example of the rubber hose. It totally relates to implosive and explosive expressions of feelings.
Being aware is the first step in anything that you strive to do in life. I really LOVE your example of how you described we are humans and not our emotions. Creating that distinction will completely set you free.
I understand your perspective on “Bypassing the Mind”. That’s I feel about venting. I mean, you should only vent to keep yourself from exploding or imploding, but you should not be overdoing it. When you vent about your problems to another, you are constantly reminding yourself of the past and your problems. In essence, you pretty much stay in tune with and live in the past. For myself, I have almost eliminated venting from my life. There are rare cases under harsh, rough obstacles that I need to open up, but I know when I should stop and just let go.
I really like your set of “Releasing Questions”. I practiced something similar in the past. It’s another way to become aware and I believe that it works. Everyone has their own way of self-realization, but they might need something to initiate the action. These questions are similar to the Zen perspective I discussed in another comment to you.
I can totally related to your presentation of deep depression and your struggles. To me, I see this as effects from cleansing and detoxifying the mind within. Bad emotions, vibes, and feelings are trying to free themselves from you. Sometimes, it can be quite overwhelming, but recognize that it’s part of the process and let it flow.
Mistakes are always inevitable; you just have to learn from them. One course of action might work for one person, but not for another. Keep trying, while becoming smarter, on your quest.
Thanks for sharing such great outlook and ideas. I’m sure everyone really enjoys it and makes great use of it! I always love your examples. They’re amazing! Keep it up! (=
Hi Taney, as always, I appreciate your extremely thoughtful and detailed comments. Thank you very much!
Hello Albert Monk!
I just found a great one for releasing anger! It was the one emotion I had the most trouble with.
When you feel the surge, works best when by yourself… Like a surge of anger coming up in to you, could be the back of the neck, the solar plexus, the stomach, anywhere.
Shout out or just voice the intention of the anger!
“I’m angry because I can’t come up with a better example!”
Often they reveal past traumas, Nathaniel Branden calls these subselves,Tolle calls them Painbodies. Painbody implies resistanc, it also reminds me of Ghostbusters.
So Subself will do!
I hate Freud… He’s too general! Although Tony Robbins uses that method in Awaken the Giant Within!
Thank you for this post, I read it before, I havn’t been asking the questions, just the observing of the emotion!
Thanks for this
That’s a great example – anger is the emotion I feel the most trouble with too. It’s interesting you mention subselves / sub personalities, I’ve been researching and working with this area tremendously in the past few months.
I used to believe that emotions are unhealthy, they have to be eradicated, they have to be disregarded. However, as I have been reading your blog, I found out how important it is to handle our emotions the right way. To understand ones emotions is to understand also, oneself.
Very, very, very useful.
Many, many times thinking of a certain event has brought up painful thoughts and emotions related to the event for me.
The essence of the article for me then is to realize that I want to let go of all those emotions and then gently, lovingly, hear what comes and let it go instead of repeating the same pain-more pain game again.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for these comments, Shercy and Meghashyam.
Great article.
One question. When trying to release an emotion, how would I know that I am actually trying to release it and not trying to suppress it?
I mean, it is possible that I would consider the emotion “released” if I don’t find it in me any more. But, even suppressing would momentarily make it seem that the emotion is gone, though it would still be inside me. How then, at that moment, would I know that the emotion has truly been released?
Hi Girish, I think the best answer to that question is just practice. After a while we can be able to tell the difference. But it’s common for the emotion to feel like it’scome back, so don’t think that if it comes back that you’ve failed, it’s just more hidden stuff coming up.
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