Not nakedness, not platted hair, not dirt, not fasting, or lying on the earth, not rubbing with dust, not sitting motionless, can purify a mortal who has not overcome desires.
~ The Dhammapada
A long time ago, there was a man who saw through to the very root of our suffering. It was attachment and desire. The more we grasp at something – or someone – the more we are setting ourselves up for pain.
This concept, however, is not without important misunderstandings. I am far from an expert, but in this article I try to clarify some of these.
To discuss attachment, one has to define it first. Attachment can be seen as an exaggerated seeking and clinging. We devote large amounts of mental and physical energy to the object of our desires. If we don’t have it, we obsess about it, try to get it, or constantly mourn its absence. And if we have it, we fear we will lose it and desperately try to hold on to it. Our minds will never find rest, as long as this grasping exists.
At the root of attachment is wrong perception. Whether it is an object or a person, we give it meanings and values that do not exist. Let’s discuss romance as an example – it is one of the most common in our society.
Imagine a man who has spent his entire life without a lover. The world will tell him it is not right, that there must be something wrong with him. Maybe he is too ugly, maybe he is too shy. Doesn’t he get lonely? Isn’t life too painful to travel alone? Doesn’t he need a shoulder to cry on?
If he agrees with them, he begins to feel lonely and sad, and his efforts are directed towards trying to find a wife. And what if he finds one? The poor woman – he begins to burden her with all his years of unfulfilled needs and desires. No longer can she simply be who she is; her humanity has been denied. If she fulfils his needs, he might try to control her or hold on to her for fear of losing her. If she doesn’t, his unhappiness returns – but this time she is blamed for it. If she leaves, he plunges back into his despair, and again she will be blamed for it.
But she is not at fault – the despair and insecurities have always been there. His pain comes from his internal attachments, not her.
And so – one of the wisest gifts we can give ourselves is to gently let go of our attachments. As we do so, we feel progressively lighter and freer. Without any fear of losing what we have, without being pushed and pulled by our inner likes and dislikes, we begin to find increased equanimity and genuine affection.
However, many people resist this concept. They believe that letting go of their attachments means letting go of the object or the person, and their lives will turn drab and gray. Will a woman who lets go of her attachment to a lover be alone forever? Will she turn into a hermit? Will a man who lets go of his attachment to money live in a cardboard box?
A few might choose to, but that is their choice and not a must. In my experience, one is able to enjoy what they have for the first time. One can keep striving for what they want, but it is a game they cannot lose, for they are unattached to the outcome. They can participate without unwise or desperate behaviour, without undue stress and frustration.
When our single man is as happy alone as he is with someone, he will no longer have to manipulate or “people-please” to win the heart of the woman he likes. If he does have a wife, he is able to love her for whom she is, and not for what she can do for him. Is this not the basis of a genuine, mature love?
Any fear about losing vibrancy in life likely comes from confusion between non-attachment and detachment. Many teachers speak of detachment as a form of self-protection, based on hidden fear. The woman who cannot find a lover might give up. A man who has been hurt many times might withdraw and never open his heart again. They lead a life of sadness, but they deny it, sometimes with clever rationalizations – No one is good enough for me. I have much more important things to do. Love is for weaklings.
How do we tell the difference between non-attachment and detachment? This can be difficult. We check in with our thoughts and feelings regularly with unflinching honesty. Often, detachment leads to withdrawal. We become indifferent and lifeless. If we are alert, we will find a subtle negativity and judgement behind our detachment. Non-attachment is non-judgemental. The less we are pushed and pulled around by our exaggerated inner likes and dislikes, the more clearly we can see the world. This is tremendously freeing, and leads to increased compassion, tranquillity and lightness.
Again, while we have been using romance as an example, attachments could be to anything. Please apply this to your own life. The old series on attachment contains exercises on finding out what you are attached to, and what lies underneath them.
Further Reading:
Attachment: Understanding the Origin of Suffering, Part 1
Attachment: How They Cause Our Pain, Part 2
There is another important misunderstanding, which often results in far stronger suffering – such as guilt, hatred, and fear. What follows can be slightly controversial, so please let me repeat that this, like everything else, is my opinion only. You’re more than welcome to disagree in the comments section.
We know that extreme attachments lead to unwise and hurtful behaviour. A money-hungry business might indulge in lies and cheating; they might treat employees and clients as less than human. But there isn’t anything inherently wrong with money – it is one’s uncontrolled desire for it that causes all the pain.
Another thing we know is that if we are trying to stop eating chocolate cake, it is a good idea to keep a good distance from it. Therefore, some teachers might suggest abstinence from the major desires – sex and money, amongst others – in order to practice spiritually.
However, this suggestion is often misinterpreted and taken to an extreme. Instead of focusing on the attachments, we then focus on avoiding the object of our attachments, so much that we begin to hate them. In turn, this creates guilt and fear – the opposite of what non-attachment achieves.
As a light-hearted example, I remember when I was a child about seven. My Sunday school teacher had always told me that cigarettes and alcohol were evil. One day, my father brought me along to a party, and jokingly gave me a tiny sip of whatever he was drinking. Not only did I hate the taste, but for days afterwards, I was wracked with guilt and fear – I was going to hell!
Further, many teachers call aversion – a strong feeling of dislike – just another form of attachment. At first glance, this might make no sense. Isn’t aversion the opposite of what we have been discussing? But think about the symptoms of an exaggerated hatred. Even when the person or object is nowhere near us, they dominate our thoughts. A lot of our activity – or even our entire lives – can revolve around avoiding or destroying the target of our hatred. Are the effects really that different from attachment?
Again, one might wonder if releasing our aversions might lead us to unwise behaviour. Please keep in mind that attachments and aversions are an internal process. We do not have to hate anything to avoid it. I know very well that driving at 300 miles per hour will put me in a horrific crash, and I simply choose not to do it – but there isn’t any hatred or exaggerated fear involved (as opposed to rational fear – I would definitely be scared if I saw a car coming at me at that speed).
I hope that has addressed some of the confusions around the concept of attachment. In writing this article I have compiled a lot of half-written ideas about attachment. If people are interested I will put those into a proper article, as an update to the older series. The links again:
Further Reading:
Attachment: Understanding the Origin of Suffering, Part 1
Attachment: How They Cause Our Pain, Part 2
I’m doing my best not to sound mushy, but it really is quite amazing how we can make friends over the internet, with people we have never met in real life. Two links today to two great people I’ve never met.
The first goes to Evan Hadkins, of Well Being and Health. He covers the range of health, from mental and emotional to the physical, from a very sound psychological foundation.
The second goes to Nicholas Powiull of Conscious Flex. As the name suggests, his site covers consciousness and other deeper aspects of spirituality.
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You know, Albert, I think I get non-attachment, but I always wonder what motivation I would have in life to even get up in the morning if whatever happened was the same to me.
I think love, for example, creates as much suffering as it does pleasure and without linking somebody else’s wellbeing and happiness to your own, how do you define love?
My struggle with Buddhism has always been fitting it into my modern life. Living in Thailand, I saw many monks who seemed happy, but they were living outside of “normal” life while being supported by it. What would happen if everyone decided to be monks? Who would support us then?
These are real questions for me. I’m not just being facetious.
What a great article about attachment! I like the “single man” example. It illustrates the point very well.
His problems didnt begin when his wife left him.
They didnt begin when he became attached to her either.
They began when he decided that his happiness relied on someone or something external of himself.
(One could argue his problems began when he identified with his false self..but that’s a discussion for another day!)
@ PGW: Heya! Thanks for your comment. I fully understand your questions, and in fact I struggled with them a lot myself. Which is why I actually wrote articles with my opinions on it. If I may direct you to them (as they are too long to fit into the comments):
Love: http://www.urbanmonk.net/631/a.....nurturing/
What we will do without attachment: http://www.urbanmonk.net/321/h.....ng-part-2/
(you can skip to the last two sections)
@ Kaizan: Thanks for your comment
Great stuff. Happiness really is internal, although many people have a lot of resistance to that statement, as one would expect.
Great article – as I read the section about aversion, it hit me that someone who zealously avoids the object may have become attached to non-attachment. They define their identity from the avoidance of the object. They are still attached to it; only the inverse of the object.
Hey Albert!
Great article. I was wondering, though…once you find yourself in a state of attachment, how do you let it go? I find this part really difficult. So many people say “Just let it go…” but how? Are there specific things you can do or say to yourself to help release the attachment?
Thanks!
Hey, Albert! Wonderful article on a highly misunderstood concept in Buddhism.
Reaching a state of non-attachment is not easy. People tend to interpret it as not caring about anything, which makes it hard to find motivation to wake up every morning (as PGW said). Or, as Bobh suggested, they get attached to the idea of being non-attached in the extreme… perhaps to show how spiritually enlightened they are (which is ego-driven).
Non-attachment is not total indifference. I can prefer certain outcomes in life, but if they don’t happen, I am OK with that. I would certainly have preferred NOT to have lost my parents at a young age. But, the fact is, death is a part of life… all we can do is accept it. I don’t waste my life wishing things had turned out the way I preferred.
Jay, you learn to “let go” when you realize that whether you do or not (emotionally and psychologically) is completely irrelevant to the outcome. Life happens. You can be OK with it, or you can pout about it, but it will happen either way… so you might as well be OK with it and move on.
(Sorry for the post within a post, Albert… I just love this topic.)
Hey Albert,
Great article.
Non-attachment and surrender are two concepts that are very difficult for the dualistic mind to understand. The fear that comes up is “life will be boring, I will be without emotions, I will not be motivated if I don’t have desires and attachment.”
Non-attachment is simply the detachment from the ego’s drama; surrender is surrendering to awareness instead of the fickle mind. Both are understood with experience rather than conceptually.
@Bobh: Great insight! Thanks for your comment.
@Jay: Hi Jay, try the Sedona Method or the previous post on letting go. It’s the same thing, even though I discussed emotions. You can also try The Work of Byron Katie, with statements like “I want XYZ”. Very powerful are the 3rd and 4th questions of her process.
@ Lisis: No problems, I love discussion and feedback. You said it better than I can. I always call it a game we cannot lose, because even “losing” isn’t really losing if we aren’t attached to the outcome.
@ Kaushik: Heya! Thanks for your comment. That is beautifully said.
Hi Albert,
First of all, I just love the picture you used. You would think I am so used to seeing pictures of lotus flowers but it is always nice to see one.
I used to have a very hard time with attachment. It was a concept I struggled with because it seemed illogical. Like the Personal Growth Web comment, I used to wonder what would motivate me if I were detached.
I would see people who were on a spiritual path and claimed to be detached. However, they were so cold and aloof, it struck me as odd. Did being detached mean having no feelings?
I then came to see that detachment does not mean having no emotion, it just means seeing the emotion for what it is and not being defined by what happens.
It is knowing that all will be well, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes we so much want an outcome, that if it does not happen, we are crushed.
The Buddha teaches the importance of the Middle Way and I have come to see that it is the best way to live. A life lived to an extreme (whether it is a denial of feeling or an existence of too much feeling) is not good. So just being in the moment and knowing why we do what we do, is a form of the Middle Way.
Apologies for the long comment, this is just one of my favorite subjects because it is one of the most misunderstood ideas.
Excellent article. I’m convinced that if we can master detachment from all outcomes, than we could forget almost all the rest of our personal development principles. This seems to be the cornerstone of all success and Wayne Dyer even wrote that detachment is one of the 3 tenets of Self Actualizing people. Thanks for sharing this with us.
@Nadia: Hehe, I didn’t tell you before, but I have a special liking for lotuses too!
That is a very thought-provoking comment. I haven’t thought much on attachment to emotions but I’ll definitely think some more. You might like the discussion I had with Evan in the post before this, which is very related.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/780/w.....-emotions/
@ Srinivas: Thank you mate! The Buddha did say that attachment (to our senses, I think) was at the root of all our suffering.
Interesting on Wayne Dyer, do you have a book title? I’ve been doing a lot of reading on Maslow’s (and other humanistic psychologist’s) definitions but never thought Dyer would do the same.
Hi Albert,
You know, I read the discussion you two were having as it was happening because I get the comments sent to me. I was planning on joining in but I got sidetracked with getting sick. Long story. I will tell you later.
Anyway, I look forward to hear your thoughts. I think many of us are attached to our emotions. Society tells us that depression and sadness are bad and so we try very hard not to feel those things. Prozac, for example, is designed to help those with severe depression but now it is prescribed so freely to any one who has a tinge of sadness. That is sick, in my opinion.
I think sadness and feeling down have the power to teach if we can see why we have those feelings. Feeling sad should not define who we are. The same is true for happiness.
I think it was Buddha who said our emotions are like a glass of water with sediment. When we are worked up, the water is cloudy due to all the sediment being around. However, when we are at peace, the sediment goes to the bottom and the water is clear.
We all have our issues and our pain, it is part of our history but it does not define who we ultimately are and that is why detachment (in my opinion) applies to emotions too.
I’ve also regularly run into people bringing negative associations to the word “detachment.”
In addition to the confusion with non-attachment and perhaps actually even more a source of confusion is the fact that the word expresses the concept by saying what it isn’t instead of what it is.
What it is, admittedly, can be very tough to wrap words around, but the general direction is clearly where you’ve pointed with “increased compassion, tranquility and lightness.”
This was just what I needed. My husband lost his job 3 months ago and I’ve been attached to his outcome! How human is that?
Also I agree with the entire article and needed the reminder.
Thanks.
@ Nadia: I was typing up a really long comment with my response, but I think I’ll just make it into a proper post instead. It went off into attachment to mental positions, etc, etc. Would be awesome to hear your thoughts on that post, when it comes out!
@ Paul: You raise a fantastic point. I think the Buddha was famous for describing things as what they weren’t, like you said. Same thing with enlightenment – I think he simply called it the end of suffering. I can’t be sure though. Thanks for your comment!
@ Tess: Heya! You’re very welcome. And I hope things are looking better for you guys. Many of my close friends also lost their jobs and it is quite a nasty thing.
Such an exceptional post! And the comments from Lisis, Nadia and others show such insight and really help to clarify these concepts for me.
Albert, your distillation and inclusion of your previous posts is quite helpful to me in my quest to make sense of my world and continue on. Thru you and your writerings, I have a new(for me)awareness, perspective and place of peace.
I did not think I had the choice to not invest all my energy in the outcome. Yes, I have written you about choices before…
I cannot say it better than Lisis…See what is, not what you want. Accept what is, rather than struggle to control. Let go.
It has not been easy, and I was shocked when it first happened and I LET GO. The struggle stopped, and I just floated for a bit, going with the flow.
For me the light bulb lit at: It is not my responsibility to force an outcome or consequence. What will be, will be. Just let it be. Allow it. Watch for it. And accept it. And then just be me. With it.
I am interested in reading your side writings, and often go back thru the links you provide to your previous articles and fellow bloggers. The reference to Wayne Dyer is worth a followup, also. Please send out the followup ‘opinion’ based articles, or provide me a link if you can.
Your posts are definately worth the wait! Thank you.
Thank you for the mention Albert, you are a good friend indeed!
@ Diane: Thanks for your comment. I’ve always said that the real value of the blog sometimes lay in the comments, and comments like yours and all those you mention is proof of that. I’ll definitely compile the rest of my notes into a proper post then. And thank you for that compliment.
@ Nicholas: You’re very welcome mate! Same to you
The ‘avoiding’ is a good point, and this probably gets in the way of more happiness. It would be good if you do the posts your planning. peace
Thanks jag, will do!
Thanks for this mate. One thing I’d contribute is that I tend to see attachment as identification. We start to think that our careers, relationships, and so on are part of who we are, and it’s as if a setback in those areas would destroy part of us (it’s “attached” to us like a limb). In that state, even if you’re a multi-millionaire, you’ll still be insecure and unable to enjoy life, because losing your millions would in your view destroy you and you need to be constantly concerned with protecting them.
Hmmm….very insightful post. You hit the nail on the head that we often mistakenly connect the things we are attached to to the person we are. We have our culture to thank for that. I wonder, though, becoming unattached can be difficult. There are always people and things to tempt us….to remind us…and reinforce what we attached ourselves to. I think this connects to our desire to belong.
Anyway, thank you for stimulating my thinking.
Fear of loss is humanity’s greatest downfall. You should be content with yourself as a person before you can acquire a mate or a family to invest your happiness in. If you’re unhappy alone, what makes you think you can love another.
Stop fearing loss, because you will always be there. All the material things you possess will fade away the moment you die. Live life for yourself and not material/external obsessions.
@ Chris: Hey buddy! That is great. Indeed, all the exaggerated pain comes from a loss of a part of the false “self”. That is wonderfully put.
@ Kim: Definitely, especially when it comes to people, attachments comes with a whole mess of often conflicting beliefs and emotions, making it sometimes hard to work through. Glad I’m not the only one finding that.
Thanks for your comment.
@ John: That really is beautiful insight. Thank you!
I’m going to be honest with you. This article was amazing! You covered it well in every aspect. I truly agree with your views. I also agree that aversion is just a disguised form of attachment.
Your interpretation of spirituality and abstinence has crossed my mind many times. I even discussed it with my mother. She keeps saying that you can’t be too spiritual and you have to be practical sometimes. I guess it depends on your definition of spirituality. I feel that you can still open up and enjoy things while entering spiritual awakening. As long as you are able to keep an open mind and take what you learn from experiences and other people into consideration.
The other issue is that some people feel that when they detach themselves from the things they love, it makes them kind of lose themselves. Most people feel that the things they love make them who they are. I personally believe that you can detach yourself from certain things and still enjoy it. Quite frankly, by doing this, you’re more in control of your life and who doesn’t want that?
This is the first time I have been on the site and I really enjoyed this post. I hope to read more exciting entries from you. Keep up the good work! (=
That is a very insightful comment, and I’m glad you are here. Regarding the abstinence thing you mentioned, one of the quotes I found while doing research for this piece would be very apt for this comment:
Some people live closely guarded lives, fearful of encountering someone or something that might shatter their insecure spiritual foundation. This attitude, however, is not the fault of religion but of their own limited understanding. True Dharma leads in exactly the opposite direction. It enables one to integrate all the many diverse experiences of life into a meaningful and coherent whole, thereby banishing fear and insecurity completely.
~ Lama Thubten Yeshe
Hi Albert! I tried to contact you through your contact page, but I noticed that you removed it. I had no other means of contacting you, so I’d like to apologize in advance for posting here.
I just want to let you know that I really like your blog and I have added your link to “My Recommendations” on my site. I hope you would take the chance to consider adding me to your site, but it’s really not an issue. Your blog is truly amazing and I wish to share it with the world. I’m a huge believer of altruism! (=
I am fairly new to the blogging world, but I’m having so much fun learning about new ideas and perspectives. It’s really exciting and entertaining. Thanks for taking the time to express your ideas to the world. Feel free to e-mail me back with any questions, concerns, or feedback.
Thanks again Albert!
Hi taney, thank you so much for adding me to your recommendations and for opening your doors to me! I’ll link out to yours soon as well.
Apologies for the contact page, I was getting spammed and bugged and it was too tiring.
Hi Albert,
Just found your blog and I am really loving it. I have been using Byron Katie’s questions for nearly one year and have found they have really made a difference in my life. I have also recently been learning about the Sedona method. It is so interesting that they are pretty similar, but have a slightly different approach, and I love that they both address emotional problems and end up with spiritual outcomes. I used to be ashamed of having emotions such as anger, resentment etc and think I wasn’t “spiritual” enough, but with Kate’s questions they can lead to insights I wouldn’t otherwise have had.
But my question is, do you use both Katie’s and the Sedona method at the same time, and do you find either one more effective? I would love to hear your thoughts.
Oh, and have you heard of the option method (also option institute) which is also pretty similar.
Thanks for your insights, I am now going to go exploring on your blog!
Jan
Hi Jan, thanks for your kind words! That’s a great question. I use both. I can’t really describe how, but after using them both for a while, I instinctively know when is the right time to use which. Also, how much mental power I have is important. If I have time to really concentrate, I use BK. If I am driving or whatever, I use SM, as it doesn’t really require much brainpower.
No, but I’ll go Google the option method right now
Welcome aboard, it’s to have you here!
I agree that when one is totally attached to something this can have serious effects on how one lives his life. Sometimes love is understood as too much attachment to someone, as if one cannot live without the other. But, I agree with you, anything in excess is really not good. Jealousy resulting from attachment I believe is not true love.
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