There is pleasure when a sore is scratched,
But to be without sores is more pleasurable still.
Just so, there are pleasures in worldly desires,
But to be without desires is more pleasurable still.
~ Nagarjuna
We have heard it many times before – desire and attachment to an object, to a person, causes us to suffer. For most people, that is where it ends. But what if attachment goes beyond that? In this article, we expand attachment to another area: “objects” in our inner life. These attachments are, in many cases, even more painful and yet harder to detect.
In Misunderstandings around Non-Attachment, we discussed the Buddhist perspective of how attachment is formed – it arises from wrong conceptions. Lorne Ladner
Lorne gives a young infant as an example. Ever since she was born, this baby has slept with her mother, finding comfort in her warmth and presence, living in a fantasy of perfect safety and bonding. Even if the mother is not always kind or available, the baby is already able to deny or ignore these facts – or anything else in reality that does not match her fantasy.
As our infant gets older, her parents begin to insist that she sleeps on her own. The young girl naturally feels anguish and fear, but she eventually learns to hug a soft toy as she sleeps. This replacement reduces the anxiety of losing her fantasy, but now she has formed an attachment to this toy – she has transferred her fears and needs onto it. And on and on this goes – every time she loses the target of her attachment, she frantically searches for something to replace it. If she doesn’t, the primal anxieties return. As she becomes an adult, she might attach to her husband and feel the same infantile dread when he is unavailable.
Is it possible that we are all giant babies in our own way? Even as adults, we cling and grasp to something, anything, in order to stay in our fantasy, to keep these fears at bay. Take a moment to think about your attachments now – what are you trying to block off? Existential psychologists theorise that our main fears are meaninglessness, death, loneliness, and responsibility for our own lives and choices. Is it possible that these fears come rushing back into our awareness when we lose our attachments? No wonder losing something relatively minor can cause such disproportionate pain!
And so there are four points we have to keep in mind as we proceed. First, we never see the object of our attachments as they truly are. Secondly, to maintain the fantasy, we can ignore anything that doesn’t match it. Thirdly, the loss of the object of attachment will often bring back primal fears, which then cause emotions or behaviour that is disproportionate to what we have lost. And lastly, many of these processes are unconscious. That is, we don’t know they are happening, and they don’t always make sense.
With these in mind, let’s discuss our internal attachments.
The first internal “object” we are attached to would be our mental positions and beliefs. It is easy to see how they cause much of our conflict. This doesn’t have to be war on a global scale; a domestic argument, for instance, can also come from two different beliefs. Who should wash the dishes? Who should throw out the rubbish?
Our mental positions need special discussion. In fact, they might be the foundation of all our beliefs and false self-identity, and therefore our suffering. They are so common that almost everyone has them; so pervasive that we are often unaware of them. Analyse anything you feel any amount of negative emotion about, and see if you find any of these:
Note that these are stated differently for each person. It is just not fair! can be the way the last position shows up in your own life, for instance. In my own work, these are the hardest obstacles to overcome.
Why would we hold on to these positions? Why does being right mean so much, even for people we have not seen in years? Why do we insist things have to be fair, even though the person who hurt us might not even be alive anymore? Think back to the four concerns of existential psychology – could they be the cause? There are some people in my life that I still cannot forgive, for that would mean I would have lost. I desperately want to be free, but defeat – to my infantile mind – meant death.
I was reading of a man who had suffered from anger and depression for 20 years over a misunderstanding with his father, who had passed away long ago. He thought his father had hated him the entire time, but one day, he was confronted with evidence that his father had, in fact, loved him very much. And yet he still couldn’t let go of his suffering. When asked why, his answer was striking. How could I admit that I wasted the best 20 years of my life?
How exactly do we let go of our attachments? There are two core practices I regularly use. The first is letting go of them, as described in Welcoming and Releasing. While the article covers emotions, attachments are released in the same way.
The second practice is inquiry, using The Work of Byron Katie. In particular, spend lots of time contemplating the 3rd and 4th questions; feel for yourself the pain these positions cause and the freedom that comes from being without them. I have three articles introducing inquiry in the Start Here page; in the near future I will condense them into one Core Practice article.
Please stay tuned for the rest of this series, where we discuss judgements, self-image, and more!
A big hello to Ian Peatey of Quantum Learning. His tagline says it all: Nonviolence as a lifestyle. A recent post you might enjoy: Reward! Wanted Dead or Alive.
Another hello to Alex Conway of Unleash Reality. You’ll love his sense of humour and writing style. A recent post you might like: Off-Centre Ideas about Balance.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS. |
Get The Latest Articles Free By Email: |
 |
|
34 Comments
Subscribe to the Comments
Wow maybe that man was attached to his suffering, no? Keep up the good work!
Thanks nice article Albert.
Albert .. many thanks for the link love!
I like the question you ask here ‘Is it possible we are all giant babies …?’ I like the explanation of development that Ken Wilber writes about (though he mainly synthesises the ideas of others) that as we develop we include what went before. As we grow into maturity we still include the earlier stages .. giant baby as well. If the earlier stage of development is not completed in some way (such as the attachment issues you talk about here) then that is also included in the later version of me, except its lack of completion tends to cause some dysfunction.
I like your practices .. especially Byron Katie’s Work which I also find incredibly helpful.
@ WL: Thanks buddy, I appreciate it.
@ Ian: You’re welcome, mate
Ken Wilber’s stuff is really amazing, I’m starting to read a couple of his books. Kinda dry but if you can take it you get some good stuff out of it.
Hi Albert,
Very interesting article! I’m enjoying this series a lot!
From the point of view of attachment theory, we all need a certain degree of attachment to be functional human beings. Babies who are neglected or experience inconsistent love may end up having difficulty forming emotional bonds with others. So I don’t think attachment is a bad thing from a psychological point of view! Its a matter of balance.
On an existential / philosophical level, I think attachment to beliefs is part of a deeper problem: The identification with ego.
When we identify with the ego, we accentuate our separateness and deny any common link to a greater consciousness.
To affirm our separateness and independence we accentuate differences, stubbornly hold on to beliefs and take contrary positions. Think of a two year old learning to say “no”, or a rebellious teenager. Their resistance is a way of emphasising independence from parental figures.
In a similar way, the more identified we are with our ego, the more that we (subconsciously) relish conflict and division. The ego’s existence relies on it.
Great article! As the zen poet said, “do not seek truth, only cease to cherish opinion.”
Kaizan, definitely. I’m very interested in the psychological version but all I know is the introductory version from my psychology degree. I read the proper book by Bowlby and damn it’s boring. Haha!
Thank you for the comment, and the brilliant insights.
@ Kaushik: Great quote. Really. Thanks for sharing
Fabulous post. You said it so well.
I guess I’d like to alter the first thing to keep in mind from “we never see the object of our attachments as they truly are” to ‘we usually don’t see the object as it truly is’. If we never saw it truly then how could we know that we weren’t? Perhaps this is being overly picky.
I certainly find that attachment to my own thoughts and perspectives is harder to overcome than my attachment to external objects.
I’m not sure which of the existential fears is biggest for me: maybe meaninglessness or death.
Thanks for a great post, looking forward to the rest of the series.
@ Prayer: Thanks!
@ Evan: Thanks for your comment
I find fear of death arising very strongly for me these days, as well.
hey albert!!
really awwwsome article.
chchchecked out the “welcoming and releasing” article too. really loved it.
funny, cos i was gonna recommend sedona method for the attachments /aversions solution.
thanks for the shoutout too
keep well and in touch mate
alex – unleashreality.com
Hi Albert,
Your post reminded me that we humans are funny. We tend to identify who we are based on our experiences. We often become slaves to those experiences and somehow think they are an adequate representation of who we are. A failed love is often translated as being a reject or defective of some kind. I did that for years until I realized that it was awesome that none of those relationships worked out because life ended up taking me someplace much better.
The irony is that who we truly are has nothing to do with our experiences. Our experiences are teachers and help us to refine our true essence. One Hindu avatar said that human beings are like diamonds. We have all this dirt around us and with each experience we get polished. The more polished we are, the more we shine.
Which reminds me of how when the Dalai Lama was at a conference, he was asked about self-hatred and he had no idea what they were talking about. They brought in translators in the hopes that they could explain the concept to him. He still did not understand. He found it strange that someone could hate themselves when their true nature was that of Buddha.
The story is a funny one but I think it makes a good point. Self-hatred is not natural nor are attachments. We think they are but they are not. They just make us miserable. Now that I wrote this, I will probably get upset over something in like an hour.
@ Alex: You’re welcome
@ Nadia: That is a lovely comment. I can’t think of anything to add, but a big thanks
Interesting thoughts, Albert. I think you’re on to something with the “we’re all big babies” argument. We all seek some sort of stability in our lives, some tangible object representing the fact that everything will be okay. I think right now, it’s good grades because I’m in college. Getting good grades gives me the confidence that everything will be fine and I don’t have to worry.
Hi John, that’s great insight. It does take quite a lot of awareness to see what we’re attached to, I’ve still got a long way to go myself. Thanks for the comment
I strongly believe that we are all still babies in some way. I still have a huge fear of the dark, and start screaming whenever he power goes out. I have still not been able to get over this, and it is very embarrassing.
Hey Jessica, haha yea we all have our own fears. I get scared of germs
Beautifully written piece on a very significant cause for suffering. I’d like to add that a lesser known place to look for our attachments is in our aversions. Digging in this area can reveal multiple layers of attachment including some very unsuspecting ones.
I enjoyed the post!
Thanks for this. I’ve also read some depth psychologists who say that attachment in the spiritual sense begins when we’re embryos and someone else is 100% responsible for all aspects of our survival. Many of us, we might say, are still embryos in the sense that we tend to believe “I need you to love me,” for instance, rather than seeing ourselves as potential sources of love.
@ Craig: Thank you very much, I appreciate it! Our aversions are truly a very delicious place to go searching.
@ Chris: Thank you too! I always enjoy your contributions.
Attachment is a tricky thing. I do believe we need some sort of attachment to other humans in order to feel love, exchange our feelings, etc. and that makes us human, makes us feel alive. On the other hand, TOO much attachment to people or things leads to suffering and dependence. The best way is…the middle way.
Thanks fro the great post!
Hey Dayne, thank you for that! I do think you’re right. Many teachers warn against excessive attachment, but some people get too caught up in it and start analyzing every single attachment, even if it is minor… like I did
It was painful heh.
Great read! I believe detachment is key for those that are ready to introduce changes into their lives. I really loved both your examples with the baby/mother and man/father. It really puts things into perspective.
I used to have those beliefs and mental positions that you have described. I have realized that those types of ideas are not beneficial to my life. For example, I believe that losing the argument is not a big deal if you come out as a bigger person. You have to realize that it’s not really about reputation, but more about character. If you are a good role model, people will eventually show respect for you and look up to you. Your reputation will completely change. It’s a much better feeling as well; knowing that you acted in the best you could and people praise you for it. I was just having this conversation with my mother the other day. Often times, people think about a situation and say that’s not fair and that’s not right. They tend to try and make it right in the most immoral ways. Life’s not fair! It’s not about equality. It’s about playing your role and doing your part. If others want to step on you, you don’t necessarily have to step on them back. You can’t fight fire with fire! There has to be an outside force, whether it’s wind or water. Good is always greater evil! Love will conquer hate! Light will overpower darkness!
All these unnecessary attachments can be released with time. When you release them, you’ll regain your freedom again! It’s like with the man’s situation, if he truly tried to and decide to forgive his father, he would set himself free of all the negative emotions that he feels.
I haven’t checked out your post on “Welcoming and Releasing”, but I will definitely look into it. I have heard of inquiry as a form of realization; not just to yourself, but others as well. This is an excerpt from a comment that Mahalmaxi left on my post about “Guiding through Change”:
“Advising is easy..being advised is very hard..this is why Zen monks do not advice instead they question us and leave us to answer our self. The secret is that they put the right question to the right person. Other best way to advices is to say stories that contain the moral what you are trying to advice. It is like adding sweet to a medicine.”
I believe the majority of us want to be right, achieve, and many times proudly reject the help of others. This is why I can agree to your use of self-inquiry.
Personally, I’m still detoxifying my mind from these negative thought patterns everyday through meditation. I feel that these thoughts always keep recurring and the best way for me is to empty it out so new thoughts can come. I see meditation as a form of mental discipline that slowly helps shape the way you think and perceive.
Thanks for sharing, Albert! Keep up the good work!
@Nadia:
I must admit, I definitely enjoyed your story too! Now that you’re aware, you should “detach” yourself from that miserableness! ;p
@Dwayne:
I can totally understand what you’re saying and I sort of agree with it as well. Too much of anything in life is bad! Things need to be done in moderation, but the trick question is, “How much is too much or too little?” (;
Taney, that is a very insightful and heartfelt comment! I would really like to thank you for it, and that passion you have for life and yourself is really amazing.
To be honest, simple comments like yours are what keeps me blogging and helping people.
I believe in sharing my ideas with the world for those that are willing to accept it or at least consider it. I’m truly grateful that I have came across your site as you have very valuable insight on so many different aspects of life. I love practicing altruism as long as it does not cause any harm to myself.
Thanks again, Albert!
I would like to also share a quote on emphasis to the baby example:
“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
– Benjamin Franklin, 1759
My interpretation of that relates to attachment and fear. Let know what your takes are! (;
Hello Albert,
This is an interesting article, and I can so relate to what you write about wanting to be right, I can empathise with that poor man who didn’t want to admit he’d wasted all those years!
Your post and the comments got me wondering. We humans (and animals too) have a need for connection – do we confuse our need for connection with attachment? To me, attachment seems to be about holding on which is a stagnant state, whereas in connection there is flow in both directions. Perhaps it’s when we fear that a connection will be broken that we start to attach in an unhealthy way?
Thanks for the article.
Hi Yvonne, that man was very striking to me too, he showed me the places in myself where I was doing the same thing.
I’ve been thinking about the connection issue too. I can only say that attachment, as the Buddhist teachers say, is an exaggerated grasping. I covered this in a little bit more detail in the final paragraphs (the Zen Master) of this post – http://www.urbanmonk.net/789/a.....ging-mind/
Let me know your thoughts
I am deeply moved by this quotation you gave at the beginning of your work: “There is pleasure when a sore is scratched,but to be without sores is more pleasurable still. Just so, there are pleasures in worldly desires,but to be without desires is more pleasurable still.-Nagarjuna” With your work realized how moving into simplicity not only affects the physical world outside of you, it also rearranges your own inner life. It’s amazing how simple little things can be life-altering.
This is a potent trigger and a simultaneous confirmation. You remind each energy being that happiness is wherever you are.
@ Shercy: Thank you for this comment and all the others you’ve left.
@ Liara: Thank you very much as well, it’s always a pleasure to have you here!
I heartily agree with you that all of these separation anxieties; both to people and possessions, stem from the same part of the Id. The baby mentality can usually be built on top of, like the foundations of a house, but too many people try to build a roof before the walls are up. As a society we push our infants to grow up too quickly, they learn adult behaviour and are missing out on growing up properly.
To my mind, the epitome of this primal fear motivating people, is of course money. As we all say, “Money is the root of all evil”, and maybe it is, as a control system to enforce property rights for those who have plenty over those who have not.
Money won’t exist forever, certainly I hope it is gone by the end of my lifetime. It will leave a bloody wake behind it; after Religion and politics, possession and money is the biggest cause of conflict in the world.
Thank you for that very insightful comment, Synonymous. (Very cool name too!)
A really insightful read. Some great thoughts on how we create our own reality. Letting go is so important, but at times so difficult. A life-long journey I believe..
Trackbacks / Pingbacks
show trackbacks