Our mind judges – that is one of its primary functions. We are so used to judging things that, so often, we do not even realise we are doing so. Wherever we are, whatever we are looking at, there is a constant commentary in our heads – that is hideous, she is wrong, that is evil, what a nasty looking man.
It is the same with our emotions. We feel; that is what we are supposed to do. And yet there are so many attachments, so many aversions, to our judgments and our feelings that we begin to act in unwise and hurtful ways.
In this article, I would like to present some thoughts. I am far from an expert, and this topic is prone to many misunderstandings. So, as with all my writings, please see this only as one person’s opinion, based on my limited experience. If anything disturbs or confuses you please leave a comment. (I wish I had an editor sometimes, heh.)
This post is a follow up to Detachment and Aversion, and Attachment to Mental Positions and Beliefs.
Take a moment to become aware of your judging mind. Already you will have formed an opinion of many things, like this article for instance. But more important are your judgements on people.
One of the most interesting things I’ve discovered in studying various personality psychologies – ranging from George Kelly’s to Carl Jung’s – is that many agree on one thing. The way we judge a person reflects very strongly on us. In other words, if we see it in someone and have a strong reaction to it, it is very likely we have it in ourselves! Of course, whether or not we recognise this is a different matter.
As a fun exercise, try looking at a few celebrities, and listing down three or four things you think about them; try to have at least one positive and one negative. You might ask a friend to do the same exercise– it is very likely that even though you are looking at the same person, the lists you create will be very different. For instance, one list might read “dumb, handsome, and attention-seeking”, and another might read “old, too skinny, and rich”. This difference provides insight into your personalities, your self-judgements, and how you look at the world. (You might also find that the closer you are to your friend, the more similar your constructs.)
What do all these judgements mean then? There are so many possibilities that we can’t analyse them all; we can only use examples to stimulate your own thoughts. Let’s use physical attractiveness as our first – like it or not, it is one of the first things we notice about a person. This is not to say that these judgements are wrong, however. They are completely natural. The danger comes when we become attached to them, when we give them importance they don’t have.
Attractiveness was one of my major judgements, and for a long time I didn’t realise how much it had run my life. It was so automatic, and the times I did catch myself, I thought it was normal. But it led to some very unwise behaviour. I treated people nicely – or in some shameful cases, nastily – because of their looks, whether or not they deserved it. I felt superior to some and inferior to others. I was blindly manipulated by unscrupulous, yet charming, women. On a more extreme scale, the newspapers recently reported incidents where teenagers were spat on, called names – and in one case, physically beaten – by their peers in school just for being “ugly”.
However, once we become aware of our judgements, we find it easier to separate ourselves from them. While a person’s appearance is still one of the things I notice about them – sadly, old habits die hard – I manage to catch myself, and I refuse to let these judgements change the way I treat them. This leads to increased equanimity and inner balance.
Take a moment to think of your own life. What do you judge a person on? Your list on the celebrities might help. Very often these judgements are denied – he’s famous, it’s different! – but really find specific examples how you judge those around you according to the same scale. Then, think of how these judgements have influenced your behaviour, the way you feel, and what you tell yourself. Often, awareness is all we need.
There is another reason to release these attachments: our judgements always come back to us! There is no way I can judge a person, no matter what scale I use, and not judge myself in the same way.
If we judge someone on their looks, we will judge ourselves on our own looks too, whether or not we want to. We’ve discussed some of the implications of these in the previous articles on attachment. When we are attached to something, we don’t see it as it truly is. More importantly, we unconsciously ignore any evidence that contradicts our perceptions. How does it apply to your current attachment? Take a moment to think about it.
If we like what we see in the mirror, we will be afraid of losing our good looks when we have them, and suffer unnecessarily when they do fade away. I know a woman who agonised for weeks because she saw her first wrinkle. Others might criticise what they see in the mirror – whether or not others think they are attractive. This can lead to unnecessary self-hatred and pain. On the extreme scale, it can lead to some very unwise behaviour. My professor once told me that many plastic surgeons check for body dysmorphic disorder (exaggerated concern and stress about some imperfection in one’s appearance) on all new clients. Remember, though, that we are discussing internal attachment. This is not suggesting that we don’t take care of ourselves.
Either way, imagine what it is like to be with someone who constantly beats you up for being ugly, and you have no way to shut them up because they are in your head! I used to have many strong self-judgements. I thought I was ugly, useless – somehow broken. And I was so attached that I could not see any evidence that told me otherwise! If someone told me I was good-looking, I instinctively thought they were lying. If someone told me I was smart, my first thought was – “Well, maybe, but…”
To prevent readers from getting “locked in” to examples discussed, let’s look at another. How about judgements of rich and poor? I have a friend who is very attached to the “rich” label. Strangely enough, his definition of it was constantly changing. To me, a million dollars is a lot. To others, a million dollars is petty cash. And it was the same for my friend. The higher he climbed, the more his environment changed, and the more money he needed in order to be considered “rich” or to fit in. His goal constantly runs away from him, and he unceasingly destroys his physical and emotional health to pursue it – working 16 hour days, 7 days a week. At the same time, I noticed changes in the way he treats those with a lower income.
We’ve discussed how non-attachment to something leads to us enjoying it even more. I can’t know for sure – but I suspect if he lets go of this label, he might be able to slow down once in a while and finally enjoy all that he has worked for.
We mostly think of negative judgments as aversion, but it is important to note that we sometimes secretly attach to them too. One story remains in my head, even after all these years. I once had dinner with some old friends I haven’t seen since high school. One of them started telling us how his girlfriend had cheated on him and how hurt he had been. Soon the others were telling their own stories of how they had been hurt and betrayed, too. It was fascinating to watch, because they were unaware of the secret competition they were engaging in – they wanted to prove their story was the most painful!
With that in mind, please think of all the things we have covered. What were your negative self-judgments, for instance? Do you secretly gain pleasure from it? Is there some form of twisted pride at being uglier than the next person, or poorer, or whatever is on your mind? This can be very hard to accept, so a quick scan at your own life might not be enough. I have a suspicion that everyone can find at least some of this in their lives if they really try – except our inner defenses won’t let us. I highly recommend putting some effort in this; the rewards will be well worth your time.
It might help to realize that some forms of suffering have been romanticized by society. A friend told me she once believed it was somehow noble and sweet to be a tragic lover. Because of this belief, she spent many years in pain, wasting away, pining for a love long gone.
Similarly, I remember a book written by a clinical psychologist, although I can’t remember who. He found that the number one reason his clients remained in suffering were the victim and the martyr identities; these were also the hardest to treat. I used to suffer from a mild version of this stupidity. I loved replaying all my painful memories in my head. How noble and valiant it made me feel, such an innocent victim of all those nasty people!
There are some very fundamental judgments – such as “right” and “wrong” – that lie underneath the superficial judgments we discussed. However, they can easily be misunderstood (and can cause harm if misapplied), and I don’t feel confident in my ability to describe them, so I won’t. However, please explore them if you find them. In my experience, they are found only after the surface judgments have been processed out. These are at the root of our pain, and any work on these is extremely freeing.
Another part of our inner experience we attach to or reject are our feelings and desires. For a long time, I thought I had to remove all my emotions, to feel nothing, to desire nothing. I thought I would be free then; I thought that was what non-attachment meant. But I was wrong.
According to Thubten Chodron, non-attachment is simply an acceptance of the present moment. It does not mean the absence of negative emotions. It is opening to the present moment, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant, without clinging to it, or rejecting it. If anger comes, if desire comes, then accept it, without necessarily acting on it. As we discussed in the Core Practice for Emotions, it is only when we attach to our feelings that we listen to them and act them out – often unwisely.
A common outcome of trying to be free of all negative emotions is aversion. This is a real danger in the world of personal growth. One of the most spiteful people I’ve ever met strangely claims to be very spiritually and emotionally advanced – in the same breath he uses to utter all his abusive words! I can’t know for sure, but I suspect that he has repressed his anger and hatred, and in doing so, thinks he has “conquered” those feelings. Naturally, these repressed feelings come exploding out, as they are prone to do, and his deep denial means he is unable to see what he is really doing.
Similarly, one of the contributors in Meeting the Shadow
Lastly, take a moment to think of attachment to our negative emotions. If it is of interest to you, this topic was covered in a separate article, Realizing We Secretly Want Our Suffering.
And to finish off this series, it is helpful to remember that most teachers warn against excessive attachment.
There was a Zen master once, who wept openly and deeply when his wife passed away. His students were confused. Wasn’t a Zen master supposed to be free of all this? They approached him, and asked him why he was crying.
“Why?” He replied. “Because I miss her, of course.”
I forget what the moral of the story is, or even where it came from, but I think it speaks of the dangers of becoming attached to non-attachment , and denying ourselves our humanity.
Take action and make things happen! If living life with pizzazz appeals to you, spend some time at The Bold Life, by Tess Marshall.
The second link goes to MonkMojo by Brent McLeish. One of the funniest blogs I’ve seen in a while, with a spiritual bent. Sadly, as I write this, I discover he’s taking a short break from blogging, but his archives are full of gold.
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41 Comments
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Wow… first of all, let me compliment you on your honesty – I’m referring specifically to this part:
“I treated people nicely – or in some shameful cases, nastily – because of their looks, whether or not they deserved it. I felt superior to some and inferior to others. I was blindly manipulated by unscrupulous, yet charming, women.”
Indeed I’m sure a lot of us have done similar things but are too afraid/ashamed to admit it so it’s refreshing to see someone so upfront and honest about it.
I’ll like to touch on something else you said. I believe that the way we see the world is a reflection of how we see ourselves – it’s so true.
I only became aware of it when I went on holidays recently and was having some pretty bad arguments with the friend that was travelling with me. I realized that the things we were judging each other about… were the very things we were unsatisfied with in ourselves.
What a profound realization!
That’s why now I do my best to suspend judgment (though that’s hard ya?). I reflect on what someone’s behavior means to me and think about how I can use it to better myself.
And the ability to detach from something/someone is very crucial. I find that when we become too attached to someone/something we usually “screw it up”… or we chase them away.
Thanks for this great article, urban monk =)
Hi there Shun Jian! Thank you for your comment. That realization you had really is great, and even more amazing is that you discovered it on your own. Most of us had to be forced into discovering our “shadow”. It’s really good to have you here
I think this definition of non-attachment is superb:
non-attachment is simply an acceptance of the present moment.
Thanks for an excellent post once again.
You know what’s weird? I read the title of your post and clicked over here, and the first thing I did was scroll down to the picture since it often sets the tone for the post. My initial thought was, “Wow… I love that picture of three stones. I’ve seen OTHER pictures of three stones, but THIS one… is so much nicer!”
Then I read the post and felt all guilty about being so judgmental. But it just proves the point that we judge all the time… even little, silly things. We’re programmed that way, I guess.
@ Evan: Thank you buddy!
@ Lisis: Hey you! My whole intention was to make you feel guilty
This is something that I’ve been working on with myself for the past several months…letting go of the judgmental attitudes I’ve been carrying around my whole life. I find that the more I am able to release them, the calmer and happier I become with myself. That’s the true gift of releasing – the inner peace it brings.
Well, Albert, you shouldn’t have to dig too deep for that. I’ve got all kinds of good stuff to feel guilty about.
Jay and Lisis, always good to have you guys here
Hi Albert,
I look forward to your blog posts!
I really liked your celebrity judgement exercise. It really drives home the point that we dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves.
Related to what you wrote, there is a section in “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, where he talks about a spiritual master revealing the secret of inner peace:
“I don’t mind what happens”
The power of acceptance!
Albert -
Another great post! Thank you so much for your honesty about your own judgements about people.
I have been working on my own judgements and since becoming aware that we tend to dislike the things in other people the very things we dislike about ourselves, it has made me very aware of how much I judge others. Just the other night I was watching TV and made a comment about someone without thinking…something about how I could “tell” he’s gonna turn into a “fat boy” some day. What a slap in the face that was about my own issues/fears about becoming a “fat girl”. I was immediately embarrassed and ashamed for my thoughtless comment. I love and accept myself more than I ever have, but this comment showed me that I still have some important work to do on my self image!
This is definitely an on-going process and I welcome and enjoy every moment of growth! I believe that the people in our lives…family, friends, co-worker’s and the random people we come in contact with…are our teachers. Thanks for being one of my teacher’s today!
Namaste,
Carol
@ Kaizan: Thank you for your kind words! Yes that passage really sticks out in my head when I read it too.
@ Carol: Namaste in return
I appreciate your honesty, I think that by openly sharing our faults other people who see us do so can do the same.
I latched on to your “Attachment to Negativity” portion, knowing that this is what I do so easily. I grew up with a pessimistic set of parents, and I actually enjoy being melancholy.
But this is damaging, and has led to years of bad attachment and story-telling. You’re right about it…we actually told stories (and sadly still do), to show more about how damaged or unfortunate we are instead of how blessed we are.
Sobering post!
Hi Dan, again, it is wonderful that you can be so honest. I think others who read your comment will really benefit from it and be able to look at themselves in the same way – a very important step in growing!
Hi Albert,
Absolutely wonderful! I love all of your writing but this one was my ultimate favorite. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
For many years, I defined myself based on my past. I have had my share of drama and it kept me stuck for years.
Eventually, after a lot of hard work, I overcame all of it and focused on happiness. The funny thing was that when I became happy, people I met thought I was happy because I had not suffered. So I had to start telling people about my past in order to show them that my joy and peace with myself was earned. When I did that, people started to respect my happiness much more.
The truth of life is that we all have our share of pain and no one’s pain is superior to another especially when you bring karma into the picture.
Sometimes people want to be validated for who they are and so often they look for external validation. So that is why looks, money and intelligence come into play. I have known people who had all three and were miserable. I have known people who none of those things and they were amazing.
We just have to realize that ultimately, at our core, we already have what we need. Our issues just get in the way.
Very well written…even the parts that were more of a disclaimer.
You’ve been added to my Reader so I can see what is coming up next.
Seems I was feeling very happy while writing my comment above and I didn’t even realize it at the time.
@ Nadia: That is very high praise, and on top of that, you’ve added tremendous value to the post. Thank you so much!
@ Suzanne: Thank you for that too
Heh, it’s good to be happy 
Hey good lookin’
I too like that definition of non-attachment as acceptance of the present moment. And what you said about being attached to non-attachment!
Hey you
Thanks for your comment!
Hi–I recently susbscribed to the UrbanMonk, and really enjoy the articles. Thanks for what you do! This one is great! I try to catch myself whenever I notice I am getting attached to certain outcomes. I don’t think I am unique, as I get attached to hoping for and expecting outcomes I want. I can also get attached to avoiding outcomes I don’t want (fear). I guess that’s why I have a slip of paper on my computer that says, “Attachment is Suffering”! Good reminder to let go and accept!
Hi Lisa, you’re very welcome. That is a great idea, hope you don’t mind if I steal it. Little notes like that might make a huge difference.
Albert,
I can’t be reminded of my judging mind enough, thank you. Enjoyed the depth of this article covering some lesser talked about aspects of the judging mind. (it’s a mofo)
ps – I am honored by the the link love and kind words!
Brent
“There are some very fundamental judgments – such as ‘right” and ‘wrong’ – that lie underneath superficial judgments… I don’t feel confident in my ability to describe them, so I won’t.”
That strikes me as such an interesting statement, and on a couple of levels.
First, being mindful of the limits of one’s knowledge is an important and wonderful sort of awareness to have – one that’s all too often lacking by people who address issues of religion and spirituality.
Second, as I was reading this post I was saying to myself: “But isn’t the idea that detachment is a good thing a judgment?” So you were getting me to think about something that neither of us have an answer to and that I hadn’t given real consideration to before.
My first inclination is to think that the judger in the case of our superficial judgments and the judger of these deeper issues aren’t the same “person” – i.e., may be very different aspects of who we are.
My second is to think that maybe it’s not so much a judgment as a recognition or perception that detachment is a good thing and that superficial judgments are off-base and get us off track – the perception of a self that in some way transcends personality.
My third… (kidding…)
@ Brent: My pleasure mate, I got so many laughs out of your blog it’s the least I could do
@ Paul: That is a very insightful comment. I’ve never thought that it might be two different judges, but you have something important there.
I had always seen the deeper ones as influencing the superficial ones. For example, under a surface judgement – “what an a$$hole” lies a whole bunch of other judgements like “he was wrong for XYZ”. What do you think?
I think my brain is about to hurt, lol…
This is an area where I’d bet many different distinctions and ways of framing them would be possible. When I was thinking about what love is I ran into a similar thing. It took me seven years to figure out what I believe love is, and I know you don’t have that kind of time…
OK, seriously… to stick with your example:
“He was wrong to XYZ.”
First, this might be a judgment that we’d recognize came from egoism – for example, when someone takes unnecessary offense. Here, the “What an a-hole” that follows is an egoistic judgment directly influenced by a prior egoistic judgment. It’s ego-reactivity leading to further ego-reactivity.
On the other hand, take something like “He was wrong to rape that woman.” Here, the sense that this is a wrong act would be rooted in real compassion and the non-egoistic mind – and yet it would be very easy for the egoistic reactive mind to still end up coming out with “What an a-hole,” or what an evil person, or even I’d sure like to kill him…
In this case, “What an a-hole” etc. is finally an outcome not of our big, compassionate mind, but our egoistic personal identification with the woman and her plight and probably a more general judgment that there are certain people out there who belong in the distinct category of “evil-doers” and who we find highly threatening…
What you said about the incident with your school friends really stands out, because I have experienced the same thing many times. Whenever my friends and I go out for dinner, we talk about our relationships, and instead of providing support to our friends in distress, each of us tries to surpass the other with our own tales of woe. I now realize this does not reflect well on my character. Why do we sometimes feel this overwhelming need to be the center of attention?
@ Paul: That is great!And yet what about this. Take the case of rape, for instance. Would it be possible to help the victim (and perhaps the rapist as well) without any sort of judgement?
Haha, I had some very interesting stuff typed up but I deleted it because it’s very easily misunderstood so I’ll leave it there.
@ Jessica: Thanks for your comment
Hmm… to answer your question, many teachers say that the ego needs “juice” to survive. This juice can be anything – as long as it gets something. I need to be special, and if I can’t get it by being richer/cooler/handsomer/etc, I’ll get it by being more the victim than you are. It’s strange, but if we can see this dynamic for ourselves it might change.
I think it would be possible not to judge the rapist as “evil” – not to demonize him – despite recognizing the terrible harm done by his action.
Actually when I picked that example in the back of my mind there was this passage toward the end of Thich Nhat Hahn’s The Miracle of Mindfulness that I read in my twenties. He expresses compassion for both victims of rape and rapists – I don’t remember the exact context of his discussion.
But it blew my mind. When I’d heard news stories of rape, this was always a crime that I found particularly angering, so to read this man’s genuinely peaceful and compassionate outlook on the subject really astounded me at the time.
You’ve made some very important points. Non-attachment is important, but the mind will think it is something similar to the suppression of compassion or sorrow.
What’s helped me, is a gentle, honest noticing.
@ Paul: definitely… I have a friend who works as a psych in a maximum security prison. She said she eventually found compassion for the perpetrators in there, after finding out about their own childhood abuse and so on. Still, not condoning the crime or saying it was OK, but she could no longer hate the man who did it. Amazing stuff.
@ Kaushik: Thank you mate! It’s always good to have you here
Subtle nuances are clever teachers. Thanks for sharing these perspectives.
Thanks Liara.
Excellent thought. Our thoughts, and therefore our actions, control our lives, so if we judge harshly I believe that we will attract harsh judgment into our own lives. It is very important that we learn to control our self-thought. That is really what and who we are.
Good stuff!
Thanks Johnathan, yes learning to change our thoughts is one of the best things we can do!
“We unconsciously ignore any evidence that contradicts our perceptions. ”
Wow! Sorry I ask,but where did you get this information, is it from a book, or personal experience? Excuse my curiosity. Great stuff, it all made sense here.
Hi WL, it came from Freud’s theories.
I think as we become groomed in the lessons of “the tribe” the judging part comes as 2nd nature to us. Kinda like, by default. Probably because it reinforces our survival instincts.
It is only when we become mature enough to understand the bigger picture that we see the absurdity of judging and then we feel the need to unlearn this behavior.
Interesting post.
Thank you Sunny, I always enjoy your comments for their insight.
That’s an important point — that if you are attached to having something, you will suffer even if you have it, because of the risk of loss. I definitely see this in several people I know who have lots of money and somehow are constantly in fear of starving.
Hi Chris! Good to see you here, as always! Thank you for that comment.
This is very informative and profound. While I was reading your work, I was not just educated, I did not only understood certain processes, it made me understand myself. I find this more of a devotional guide for me, it called me to reflect.
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