When it comes to healing and understanding our negative emotions, there is one important thing to realise: Some of our feelings are inauthentic.They cover up other feelings, beliefs, and inner states.
This might seem like a basic idea to understand, but the real difficulty comes in facing up to it – there is often a good reason we are covering them up in the first place. But there comes a time, when we are strong enough, to remove these defences and see what is underneath. What really needs to be healed?
This might be better explained with an example. I’ve written many times of a man who took up a lot of my mental space. He once persuaded me into doing a free draft for him in my design business, and then verbally abused me on the phone for ten minutes – while I sat there in shock – when he didn’t like what I had spent hours doing for free. I hated this man for years, constantly reliving what he said, fantasising about revenge. And yet it made no sense. Others had done far worse, and all I felt was some annoyance.
Why did I remain stuck in my hatred? All the emotional work I’ve done over the past few years has removed a large portion of it, but some of the remaining hatred refused to dissolve. The answer was simple. My remaining hatred was inauthentic – the real hatred I had felt for him had been healed a long time ago; what remained was a cover for the authentic feelings underneath.
What I really had to feel, to heal, was a feeling of worthlessness. These thoughts had actually come into my head many times, but they were so painful that I pushed them away.
He is an asshole, he is abusive, it is all his fault, I was the nice guy. Painful as these thoughts might be, they were a lot safer to me than I deserve it, I am worthless and I don’t deserve fair treatment and respect from anybody.
And yet, in the end, these were the feelings and thoughts I had to look at in order to heal. Ken Wilber once suggested that my inauthentic hatred will never go away, for these authentic feelings were underneath them, forever creating more. Even more important, Michael Ryce has stated that emotional pain take its toll, even if we are not conscious of them. Not only was I stuck in my inauthentic hatred, but the feelings underneath were hurting me too!
(By the way, facing these thoughts was simply to heal them – it didn’t mean that they were true and I was worthless. This is important to realise, for these hesitations were what caused me to be stuck in the first place.)
Now, on to the actual process. This is a booster technique, to be used in conjunction with the Core Practice of Welcoming and Releasing our Emotions. If you haven’t read or tried that technique yet, please do so.
It is important not to get caught up in the example I gave above. It was only to illustrate the point – what is underneath your particular feeling could be anything. Allow yourself to be surprised. It’s not always guilt that lies underneath fear, or love that lies underneath hatred, or whatever. Be open to your own experience, and see for yourself – don’t go in there with any preconceptions.
Think of an issue or emotion that you have been struggling with. Now, feel it fully. Emotions often come with sensations, pictures and sounds. Where is it in your body? What does it feel like? Just let it be there, intensify it.
Then ask yourself some of these questions:
Don’t try to think about it or analyse it in your head. Feel it. It might take some time for a new feeling to come through. That’s fine; this might take some getting used to. However, please keep in mind that not all emotions are inauthentic, sometimes there just isn’t anything hiding underneath.
And whatever arises, heal that with the Core Practice. It can also be an eye-opener to ask what is underneath even that new emotion, too. Credits to a local practitioner of NLP, Reiki, and The Journey for inspiring some of those questions.
It is helpful to do this process several times, especially for issues that are very strong or have been around for a long time. Often, there are several hidden emotions/beliefs that gather around the heavier topics.
For instance, another strong set of authentic emotions around my client was fear and guilt. In the depths of my depression and anger, many years ago, I had acted out in the same way he did. I even used the same growling tone of voice he used. In Jungian terms, he embodied my shadow. I had flashes of a realisation – Oh my god, I am just like him! But I could not consciously admit this until recently; I was hiding behind my lifelong “nice guy” image. Getting in touch with my authentic states would mean destroying a self-image I had held on to for most of my life. But I had to, or I could not heal.
And on this goes. Sometimes even positive emotions can be hidden, if we somehow feel them unacceptable. In other explorations, I found – illogical as it might seem – that fear and dislike can hide and cover up feelings of rejection. And what is underneath that rejection? That’s right. Affection, sometimes even love.
I hope that helped. While this is a pretty safe technique – the worst I’ve experienced doing it is lots of nausea – I am aware that there is often a good reason we are covering something up in the first place. I have been doing stuff like this for a while now and am very lucky to be friends with professional psychotherapists who can be my 24-hour support, so I feel safe exploring some of this more painful material.
However, let me be paranoid here and draw your attention to the usual disclaimer. Please consult a qualified mental health professional before trying it, especially if you have a history of traumatic experiences or mental illnesses. This article is for informational purposes only, and you alone are responsible for what you do with it. The author cannot take responsibility for any harm that arises. Always be safe, and stop if anything gets too uncomfortable.
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So true, the insight that we are frequently covering up our authentic emotions. We also have a tendency to act out of an attachment to advanced emotions that don’t accurately tell us where we’re at inside. Advanced emotions being some combination of more basic emotions. This gets a bit heady, but sitting with how I’m feeling until I get down to the basic emotions frequently helps me understand my motivation for acting out in certain circumstances.
Talking about your example of the A-hole guy. I find it always help to see the meaning behind a person’s communication. Instead of seeing the guy as a A-hole be compassionate and see what is behind his behavior and what is really troubling him and causing him to be a A-hole.
It’s funny you made this post Albert. I just posted something similar on my blog where a relative wrote me a very critical letter about some issues she had with me. After REALLY reading between the lines I realized this was about something else entirely, not even mentioned in all the criticism.
It tends to take a lot out of us when trying to understand ourselves and one another. Human beings are complicated creatures. Your technique interests me though, and I think I’ll give it a shot.
It is hard to detach from that ego need to “show others” what A-holes they are.
But I don’t won’t to be in a box, or strand myself on the side of a river, I remind myself.
I;ll be back tomorrow to read your article more fully ~:-)
@ Kristin: Thanks for that comment
@ Faramarz: Love the blog and the name – Anxious Candy! A compassionate response is a great idea – I’ve found that it was much more natural once I had released the hurt he caused.
@ Ron: Thanks Ron, let me know how you go
Tried to visit your blog but got some errors?
@ Char: Heya! Good to have you here, as usual.
Hey Albert, cool post, glad to see you writing again!
I know exactly about the kind of hatred feeling that you are talking about, it is a strange one and one that is very overpowering. I know I also get it when I’ve been going out with a girl for a long time, and for some reason she cheats on me or breaks up with me, I’d really be angry and upset about it and want her back, even though i know she cheated so she is not worth my time.
The thing is, I don’t really want her back, it’s more about the fact that she robbed me of a sense of trust or confidence and that is what I want back.
Hope you get what I mean
It’s like you not really hating the guy, but you hate that he destroyed your goodwill and trust and helpfulness which you so kindly were giving.?
Cheers
Diggy
Like Diggy said, it’s good to see another post from you! And I really like this article. I think a lot of people refuse to deal with the emotions that lie underneath or behind the emotions they are expressing, and then wonder why they never heal. I know that I have a problem with this myself, so I am thankful that now I have another technique to use.
I got a little chill down my spine when I read this. It’s uncanny how timely this post is for me.
I have two experiences that remind me so much of what you’ve written here. One extremely similar in material fact even.
Thank you
Hi Albert!
Yay…you are back! I missed you and it is awesome to see another post from you.
Good for you for doing the work needed to get to the core of why that man effected you the way that he did.
My past (up until my late twenties) was filled with all kinds of trauma and drama. It really effected the way I interacted with others. I came to see that many times the way other people treated me which would bother me was because they reflected some of the feelings that I had about myself.
Ken Wilber has stated that if you emotionally react to something that another person does or say, then you are projecting your issues and yourself onto that person. If you are not effected by the words and actions of another, then you are not projecting.
I always remember that because if someone hurts me it is usually because they are feeding into a negative emotion or thought I have had about myself.
None of us are immune to having the negative feeling or emotion but it is so important to discover why we do what we do. I have come to notice that all our problems deal with our ego and the funny (or sad) part is that we are not our ego at all. We are more than that.
Apologies for the long comment but your post brought so much to mind that I wanted to share.
Hi Albert
So moving and authentic to see you share that personal story. I know a lot of people who live with a mental space that is taken up by so much negative emotion it is actually killing them – physically.
Your technique sounds straight, simply and to the point and the best question I like is “so what would I feel, if I didn’t feel this?”
In many areas of life, I found that questioning a process or thought and going deeper and deeper to the root cause uncovers amazing results.
Thanks for this.
@ Diggy: Hey mate! I definitely know what you mean, it’s scary how well you put my feelings into words. It wouldn’t have pissed me off that much if I hadn’t shown any goodwill first.
@ Jay: Thanks buddy, and always a pleasure to see you here
@ Mr-crash: Thanks, and I guess A-holes are very common. (It’s funny how all the prev comments referred to him as the A-hole, I picked it up now hah!)
@ Nadia: Heya! How’s things? Yea that Wilber quote sticks out in my head too, he is a pretty succinct teacher when it comes to the shadow (well I only have that ILP book, so I can’t be sure). The other teachers seem to ramble on a bit. No worries on the long comment, I enjoy them.
@ Evita: Thank you. I was happy to get to the core of this guy too, in addition to hating him, it also bothered me that he wasn’t disappearing. Glad you liked this technique.
I so agree with what you have written here. I also have experienced anger that covered up feelings of worthlessness. It was a bit shocking to me to uncover that connection — but freeing.
Thanks for the great information!
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
I’m actually someone who covers up or replaces her anger with other emotions! I’ve read that depression in women is often suppressed anger. i.e. we would rather go straight to feeling worthless than stand up for ourselves.
@ Marie: You’re welcome!
I enjoyed your blog a lot and spent quite some time there just now.
@ CarolynB: I heard it’s quite common actually. For men, it’s sometimes more socially acceptable to be angry but not hurt. For women it’s the other way around. It took me a lot of work before I could simply say (even to myself) things like – you hurt me. But it was easy for me to say – you piss me off, you @$%%@*%^. From my chats with my female friends, it’s frequently the other way around.
Yikes Albert when did you have time to write this. The first thought I had was that you must have gotten a hit of inspiration and snuck out last night, published it, then quickly returned LOL
What you’ve said here resonates with many of the conclusions I’ve come recently. I’ve begun to notice that emotions have a way of speaking to us. It’s when we listen to them that we’re able to really hear what’s behind each emotion. If you’re not ready to hear it, they’ll begin communicating on another level. They get louder, more direct, more insistent. Once we listen attentively, there’s meaning waiting to be heard behind even the nastiest of emotions.
I noticed you mentioned Reiki in your post, have you been getting into it?
@ Alex: Haha it’s the skills to pay the bills. Hehehe. That’s a great way of putting it. I’ve never thought of the stronger emotions as just being louder and trying harder to get our attention.
Unfortunately I haven’t, I listed everything she practiced as I wasn’t sure which system the questions came from.
Thanks for this Albert and I’m glad to see you posting again. That’s something I’ve noticed in my own explorations as well — that if I’m feeling angry, it’s often a defense against experiencing a sense that “I don’t matter.” If I can breathe through the anger and allow it to subside, rather than collapsing into it, I’ll experience the shame.
Hey Albert!
I wrote a similar thing, about facing up to and releasing negativity. It’s about releasing, releasing, releasing! The booster technique is great!
k
@ Chris: Good to see you here buddy! As always, thanks for sharing
@ Kaushik: Hey mate – we’re both huge fanatics of releasing aren’t we?
Hello Albert. Great post on the “search for authenticity”. I especially liked your advice about “resisting analysis” (trying not to think about it). Here’s something I learned about “authentic emotions” very late in life. Better late than never I say. Imagine our minds were like “empty containers” (mine in particular of course) with pipes attached going down into a Divine Source of authentic emotions and thoughts and so on. There’s a tap on top of each pipe too, and to let our authentic selves flow into consciousness, all we need do is open it. The tap is called “fear of being judged”. Remove those fears and out into the world comes “who we really are”. On the other hand, leave that tap screwed shut, and all we can do is pretend to be something we’re not. We can only copy emotions and thoughts from others. Ways of being that are just plain inauthentic….because they don’t come from “Source”. Just as you said in your post, “letting ourselves be (authentic)” like this does NOT need analysis or hard thinking. We need not try to figure out what’s authentic and what’s not. All we need to do is learn how to remove those fears of being ourselves (judged). I’m sure you’d agree that “being authentic” however you achieve it, is a rich and rewarding experience. Ciao Albert. John Duffield
Hi John, brilliant comment! I was doing some research on Maslow’s theories on self-actualising people – being authentic is a big part of it, just like you suggest. Having no fear of one’s inner processes, I think he called it.
Great post! I’m new to your blog so I hope no one minds if I just jump in here!! Sometimes we all need to put things into perspective and really understand the reason behind what we are feeling or why. It can be hard, because humans are people pleasers and they don’t want to offend or have someone dislike them and end up doing or saying something they normally might not out of fear.
I have found that fear is almost always behind uncomfortable feelings. Fear of loosing something I think I have, or fear of not getting something I think I want. Not being accepted or loved.
Once I learned to truly accept the consequences of being myself, I have found more peace.
When someone is taking rent free space in my head (resentment), I pray for them to have everything in their life I want in mine. I do that until I feel my feelings toward them change.
Before I was really qualified to explore my emotions myself, I needed help. As they say, my head can be a dangerous neighborhood. I shouldn’t go in there alone, and if I do, don’t stay long.
@ Kelly: Welcome! Pull up a chair
@ Jared: Hey buddy, good to see you here. I love that quote – dangerous neighbourhood! hah!
This is really interesting, I have never thought about “top layer” feelings as inauthentic, though thinking of them this way now makes a lot of sense.
Cheers,
Miche
ps. I really like the name “Urban Monk”
Great post! I completely agree with the “Some of our feelings are inauthentic.They cover up other feelings, beliefs, and inner states.”statement. I wonder why more people do not understand that?
@ Miche: Hiya. Glad it helped, and thanks for stopping by
@ Ralph: Thanks for your comment, and welcome
As a lifelong sufferer of PTSD, feeling emotions is difficult. Processing them, even more so. It’s a journey with rewards at the end of the road, though.
Hi Flash, completely agreed. Thanks for your comment
There are a number ways we can address our emotions and this is one of the better ones.
When we are faced with a person like the one you faced we have to remember their behaviour is what they think is the correct based on their current knowledge, skills and understanding. In a similar way our behaviour is the same to them!
It’s all down to interpretation of the others behaviour.
A great post. Well done!
Hi Paul, thank you for that compliment. I think you’re spot on with the statement too – many teachers say that we always do the best we can, and we can’t tell what is really “good” or “bad”.
Hi Albert,
This technique you’ve described is extremely effective and powerful. It’s used in The Journey by Brandon Bays. I’m actually The Journey practitioner and experienced so called ‘emotional drop trough’ many times either myself or facilitating it for my clients.It’s very easy and safe and once you get comfortable with it you can practice it on your own. However let me say that it’s much more powerful if someone else (especially professional) facilitates so called ‘opening’ (kind of energy cocoon you’re wrapped in)and guides you trough it. Bottom line this technique is really amazing and allows you to get into the core of emotional issue you might have.The Journey takes it further and you continue with clearing the issue but that’s different story…
Love& blessings
Magdalena
Hi Magdalena, definitely – the Journey is way awesome. I first came across this layering of emotions while working with a Jungian psychoanalyst, but nothing opened up possibilities like Journeywork. I’m still pretty new to it though, but a big fan
Albert you’re brilliant!
I discovered recently, why I never really had control over myself, it turns out I may have had a form of schizophrenia.
With all the stuff I know, I am royally kicking it’s ass!
Just something to add to this though that I learned from a man named Mark Myhre, that I should have known a long time ago.
“Emotions aren’t good or bad, they just are.”
Emotional pain, is caused by external perceptions saying “Emotions are bad/inconvenient” you’re not supposed to feel in pain when you’re angry, or depressed, or sad.
Emotions are lke water through the tap, they’re there for a few minutes then they’re gone. Like the ego and it’s thoughts, emotions are the same.
They don’t stop and that’s a good thing! Cos they’re there and when they’re gone you feel much better than you did before.
So lets say you got anger on you, it’s there, just look forward to the good feeling that comes afterwards!
If it’s a bad time, smile and sort it out later.
It’s from resisting emotions and having a relationship as they’re bad, that makes it hurt.
Been trying this all day, I feel fantastic!Gonna try this next, further shove my boot in to mental illness’ arse!
Don’t trust the “professionals” over here as far as I or smeagol can throw ‘em!
THAN YOU!
You’re very welcome buddy, that is one of the best comments I’ve read in a long time!
Keep in mind. Our emotions are a collections of thoughts. We have no control over our thoughts, but we can be aware of them. That is half the battle. Once you can be aware of your thoughts, you can guide them.
Our thoughts are largely regulated by our core beliefs, so in some respect, we do have control over which groups of thoughts come up by modifying our beliefs. Self-awareness of what’s going on inside is the first part of this.
Thank you Self Help Blogger and Alex!
Hi Albert,
I’ve just stumbled on your blog and have read this post and a lot of the comments with interest.
I think that I’m one of those people who is pretty terrified of all this stuff and given the place I’m in at the moment, I think I will find the exercise particularly difficult but I’m gonna try it out anyway.
Thanks for such an interesting read. You seem to have inspired a large amount of people here and given the emotional integrity with which you seem to write, I’m not at all suprised.
Thank you for those kind words, and let me know how you go with this exercise!
Blech, ended up with a psychiatrist anyway:P
I feel like a character on The Island already!
I found out some interesting things about core emotions though, for me anyway, they keep leading back to near enough the same thing or a similar issue.
Growing up I was always treated as if I was radioactive with a big sign reading “insult me please I’m begging you!” written on my forehead, keeps leading back to anger, even if it’s disgust at sexploitation:P
Like a spider diagram but with Freud screaming in my ear while Mr. Hyde’s feeling thirsty!
I used sentence stems, give this a go!
“The core emotion behind this is-” Say it fast no censorship let the words come out themselves.
Then “the reason behind this is-” This way you get o the circumstances, when you seem to be hitting a dead end with the reasons.
“The absolute core emotion to all this therefore is turning out to be-”
Then let it come and go. Been doing this all day, Gollum’s being calm. No traipsing Middle Earth for me!:P
You can also use the sedona to integrate rejected past moments in to your experience without having to “re experience” them.
“Can I integrate the time a dog licked my hand”
“Yes”
“When?”
“Now!”
It’s in your experienc now all you gotta do is get to the core emotion and let it be, telling the identification
“Chillax, it’s only energy!”
Should get my own blog…..
Hi buddy, that is a great comment. I’m amazed at what is coming out of the explorations of other people, so thanks for sharing. I’m a big fan of sentence stems too although I’ve never thought about using it in this way.
Integrating it is fantastic. I’ve got an old post on subpersonalities somewhere, and for an upcoming post I’m thinking of rewriting it as I focused too much on one type, when it could be used for all sorts. I’ve never heard of integrating it in this way, though, I have to try it before I write the post. You’re awesome
Great article, I’ve had bad memories that I’ve just not been able to shake. I would think of a man who treated me badly and it’s extremely annoying as I have moved on and really have no problems with him anymore, then I realised (reading your article), its shame I feel. Shame that I let myself get into that state over, frankly, an idiot. The more I got over him the more shame I felt at having been such an emotional wreck and anxiety over my judgement.
Thanks for helping, I hope I can now work to dispel the correct negative thoughts!
Hi Alison, thanks for your kind words. All I can say is YES – I was stuck there too – I was looking for feelings I had towards XYZ, not realising that many feelings I had were directed towards myself.
Yes, these “cover up” feelings are more comfortable for us as we are defending our more vulnerable feelings inside. I agree that they are covered up for good reasons. The need to cover up our more vulnerable feelings began when we were children and these more vulnerable feelings that were buried contain the kernel of our healing. For many, anger or hatred is easier then facing the pain and early wounding beneath. Please be kind and respect yourself as you work with these vulnerable places. It can also help to see what the anger/hatred is doing for you. How is it “saving” you in some way? Asking yourself “what am I protecting?” It’s important to know that while we think we are saving ourselves we are only keeping ourselves stuck.
Dr. Jennifer Howard
Hi Jennifer, thank you for that comment. The idea of saving and protecting is brilliant.
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