There is a strange paradox that exists inside most of us.
Most people will have a good idea of just how much our parents, and our upbringing, affect us as adults. But there is a strange twist to what we have come to expect. Below is a basic description, with all the content taken out of it, leaving behind only the structure:
Of course, this “bad” can be anything – stupid, worthless, ugly, fat, a liar, angry, the list is endless. But the idea is the same: even if we haven’t seen our parents in decades, in many ways we are still children, living under their influence. We are still seeking their approval or disapproval in ways that don’t always make sense to our logical mind.
This might sound stupid, but please think about it a little. When I first discovered this strange line of reasoning in myself, many months ago, it made no sense, and I thought I was mistaken. I didn’t do anything with what I found, so this limitation remained inside me for far too long. But I was recently reading Honoring the Self
When we can see this in ourselves, things begin to change, and we slowly become our own person. Please take a moment now to think about this, to see how it applies in your own life. There is a tendency to get locked into examples, so it is a good idea to investigate before we discuss any further.
Let’s describe this with an example, with details changed to protect privacy. Samuel was recently promoted to a job with higher pay and responsibilities. This was something he had longed for, and he was feeling fantastic about it – for about a day. Then, he began feeling uncertainty. The closer he got to his goal, the more this uncertainty turned into fear, and he began to sabotage himself. These acts of self-sabotage were minor at first, not enough for him to lose his promotion, but eventually he began acting out in bigger and bigger ways. In the end, he not only lost his promotion, but endangered his entire job. This was a pattern he had followed for most of his adult life.
Strangely, this made him feel safe; he was back in his comfort zone. It actually felt wrong for him to have a secure job. Even though it was scary, being in financial danger felt right to him.
While there were many reasons for this, his parents were one of the strongest factors. They had always hinted to him that he was worthless, useless, and he will never do well in anything he tried to do. Now, we’ve all heard of someone who became very driven to achieve because their parents told them they were useless; they want to prove their parents wrong. But this was different – Sam realised one day that he unconsciously wanted to prove them right by always having to live in financial fear. To be a good son, he could not contradict his parents; he could not prove them wrong.
Interestingly, the opposite is often true. Just as we do things – consciously and unconsciously – to get the approval of a childhood authority, we might live our entire lives in a certain way, just to spite them!
I was discussing this issue with a psychoanalyst, who described the tendency perfectly in the expression “cutting off the nose to spite the face.” This tendency refers to an act of revenge where we hurt ourselves even more than we hurt the other person. For instance, Sam might unconsciously choose to get fired out of spite – “If you think I am worthless, well I WILL just be COMPLETELY worthless, then!”
If this sounds irrational, keep in mind that most of these are impulses and tendencies from our childhood. We have never grown out of them. They lie just below our awareness, silently influencing us even as adults.
Can you see why it is a good idea to do some thinking before we continue? Because of this example, the mind might start searching in the area of work, and ignore other possibilities. But these can be seen in every area of life. So, take a moment now to do some searching.
If you can’t think of anything, here are some tips. But again, these lines of inquiry might lock you in, so only use them if you are stuck.
Further, it doesn’t have to be your parents. For many, other authority figures play a bigger role – an elder brother or sister, a teacher in middle school, perhaps.
If we really look, we can see that the variations are countless. Here’s another common example – what if Sam’s parents had always struggled financially, and Sam feels like he is somehow betraying them if he became happier, or did well in his job?
However this shows up, the end is result is the same. As Branden puts it, we end up pursuing the good by accepting the bad.
What can we do about this? Branden suggests that this is, for the most part, a long process. We learn to honour ourselves, trusting our own judgements and changing the sources of approval and esteem from the external to inside ourselves. If we are struggling with a large or particularly painful issue, the care of a mental health professional is a good idea.
There are other things that we can do on our own, however. Firstly, just the mere recognition of these hidden motivations is enough for change to begin. Below are some things I’ve found to be very useful.
1. Awareness and Mindfulness. Being aware of it – and remaining aware of it the next time it arises – is often enough. When we know that the feelings and thoughts pushing us around aren’t ours, but a reaction to another person, we slowly begin to develop awareness. That is when we can make our own choices. We can simply say – that isn’t me, this is me.
2. The Desire for Approval. In some ancient teachings, such as Buddhism, it is taught that our desires are the root cause of our suffering. They also teach basic techniques to let go of these desires directly. It is a simple method, without needing conversion to any traditions or beliefs or anything like that.
This is described in the Core Practice of Welcoming and Releasing Emotions. Simply identify the desire (in this case, for our parent’s approval), and let go of wanting it. Some variations you can release are: wanting to make them right; wanting to make them wrong; wanting their disapproval; wanting to spite them. It might be a good idea to experiment to see which brings up the most “emotional charge” for you.
Otherwise, apply your favourite tool to this. If you prefer using The Work, for example, try undoing beliefs such as: I need their approval; doing _____ will make them approve of me; they know better than I do.
3. The Consequences. The last way I’ve used is more direct and confronting, which is why I recommend it only if you feel strong enough, or if you have professional support. The idea is to mentally (not in real life) bring up the emotional consequences of being bad, of not having their approval – and then releasing that.
Use the inquiries below, or your own variations, to see what you can find:
What would happen if I did/didn’t _____? How would that make me feel?
In the worst case scenario, I am afraid that if I did/didn’t do this, _____ will happen, and that will make me feel _____.
For example, Sam is worried that his parents will resent him if he became happier than they ever were. What would that make him feel? Guilty, ashamed, afraid. Therefore, he experiences those feelings fully, and then releases them with the Core Practice. He has lived his adult life to avoid feeling this way, but the moment he is no longer afraid of them, they begin to dissipate. Now he has nothing to avoid. Now he has regained his freedom to choose for himself with a rational, adult, mind; rather than an child-like fear and shame.
As Nathaniel Branden says – we do not transcend our limitations by denying or repressing our feelings, but rather by accepting them, experiencing them, and then stepping beyond them. In doing so, we learn to think for ourselves, and to honour our own being.
A gentle reminder that this is strictly an internal process; please continue to act with common sense and respect for all involved, including yourself.
(If anyone wonders about the unrelated picture for this post, it’s because I couldn’t find a good one. I was going to use a picture of someone dangling from some puppet strings, but I’m not sure everyone shares the same twisted sense of humour, hehehe.)
One of my favourite blogs is Beyond Growth, by Duff McDuffee and Eric Shiller. They’re certainly not afraid to speak their mind, and indeed their goals are to critique, expand and explore the field of personal development. This keeps all the gurus and teachers responsible for what they say and do. 
A recent post: Synthesization of Money and Mind
Another good blog to visit is TonyTeegarden.com. Human SEO is a big focus of his blog – Self Exploration Optimization! That’s enough for me. 
A recent post you might like: 3 Steps to Pulverize Procrastination
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I’m sorry to disagree.
Allow me a small and brief analysis of the initial paradox:
…I WAS a bad…
…I WANT to be good…
…It is wrong to make them wrong (?!)…
This is want I call evolution/education. When my parents told me that I was bad, they where demonstrating that they didn’t like for me to be bad and that there were pushing me into to be good. (Our acceptance that we were in fact bad is step 1, and our parents helps us on that)
I WANT to be good, states that I’m not yet good, but it also states the will to be. (Our will to be better – step 2)
Making our parents wrong when they tell us we are bad is the right thing to do. They might not have the right attitude, or approach, but they do want us to succeed in life (to be good).
I agree that some parents push their kids don’t, even when they are already adults. But that’s not a paradox (in my perspective), that’s lack of capacity to motivate and educate. Those are the ones that should be proven wrong, respectfully wrong.
At some point, a parent telling his/her child that he/she is bad crosses a line and they must actually believe the child is bad. It’s not a motivator. It’s just name calling, and it’s effective. I agree with the paradox. It affects many sailors that I work with.
Hey Albert!
So nice so read a post from you again! I’m going to read this another time because you mention a lot of truths.
I have noticed this self-sabotaging tendency in myself also. I will think I really want something, but then as I get closer to reaching it, I will start to feel worries and insecurity.
I think part of the self improvement process is become aware of these negative tendencies and correcting them.
Have an awesome weekend!!!
Diggy
Hi Albert,
Beautiful post about something that we all deal with on some level. I think it is important to know why we have the thought patterns that we have and see how they influence how we are in the world. We all have suffered on some level. No one is immune from pain and suffering. Many people view the world based on what they were taught. Very few go beyond that sphere of influence and discover their own truth.
Eckhart Tolle said that we are not our stories and I think ideally we all have to reach a point where we realize that the stories we use to define ourselves are really not who we are at our core.
As the Dalai Lama said, deep within us is our Buddha Nature and that core is whole and perfect. The stories we use to define ourselves are just illusions. Yes, they are powerful illusions but they only become real if we choose to believe that they are real.
Albert, Thank you kindly for the mention my friend
Much appreciated.
Something I’ve been exploring Ironically enough is the implied results of growing up with out a mother or father.
My mother relinquished custody of me when she was 17 and I’ve never met my father.
There was implied and I’m sure to this day (regardless of the work) subconscious effects that have resulted based on these events.
Not to mention the relevance of this post based on the upbringing I had by my great grandparents directly. I believe to my core that it was a journey for me to not have an emotional attachment to my self worth based on the “mother” figuring “giving away” her child.
Regardless, I embrace the dark and the light that comes with both sides of the “story”, which makes it actually enjoyable exploring these area’s and accepting the answers.
As Nadia points out in her last comment, Eckhart Tolle hits home exactly where my research has lead me. I am not my story.
Consciously I’m aware of the darkness that can come along with exploring the scenario however once I am conscious of it I no longer feed into it’s hunger.
Thank you once again Albert!
Hi there Albert,
The phrase that kept repeating as I read this article, “right there with you”.
So many things in my life seemed to make so much sense, if one is willing to use this framework and then reframe. It seems I have endless examples to fill in these blanks.
Hope you’re doing well.
@ Tiago: I agree completely with you, and don’t worry disagreements are always welcome.
I think I didn’t write the beginning too well, hence this misunderstanding. “It is wrong to make them wrong” is often an unconscious thing – rationally we think we want to be the best we can be, etc, etc.
But somewhere inside us, for many people (not all), we secretly think we can’t contradict our parents. This was something that unconsciously held me back for a long time and recognising it was for me a major step to overcoming it. Thanks for pointing this out.
@ Dan: Definitely, and even worse, some parents actually hurt the child on purpose.
@ Diggy: Hey mate! I know what you mean, I think fear of success is actually more common than fear of failure haha. You have a great weekend too
@ Nadia: What will I do without your comments? I always look forward to them
@ Tony: My pleasure, buddy
That sounds like some deep explorations you are doing, and would love to hear what you find in the future if you have the time.
@ Barb: Thanks for that
Glad you enjoyed the article.
Hey
Yh, more specifically I have been aware of the social aspects of my parents and the beliefs they taught me to be ‘good’, such as:
Dont be loud
Dont talk to strangers (was good when I was 6 yrs old)
And this unconsciously holds me back sometimes
When a person chooses to love, forgive and accept unconditionally, ego falls away. How you think and feel is a choice every moment. Whomever brings you up does not have to change how you feel inside. Joy and inner peace are unwavering. How menors behave and what goes on around you distracts you only until you remember what you truly are. You are love.
@ JG: Hi mate
It’s funny to see these old programs isn’t it?
@ Liara: That is beautiful.
Albert,
Having grown up in an INdian family the pressures for us have always been on to satisfy our parents desires. My sister is in med school and I still think that they are definitely more confident in her abilities than mine. What’s interesting is the impact that they can have on limiting beliefs like (i.e. you can’t make money as a writer, you need a real job, etc, etc.) These are the things I”ve heard growing up and as a result there have definitely been areas where my life was impacted. Great post and very interesting ideas.
Hi Albert — yes, I’ve definitely witnessed the power of the “what would happen if you didn’t do that” style of self-questioning. When I’m about to release some piece of my writing, I sometimes have a twinge of doubt like “I shouldn’t let people know so much about me,” and when I ask myself what I’d get if no one saw anything about me, I see this weird idea that life would be paradise. But of course being invisible wouldn’t make life paradise at all, and recognizing that this strange idea is sometimes running the show is a great way to liberate myself from it.
@ Srinivas: Hi mate! I know exactly what you mean with those beliefs; I think most Asian cultures have heard some variation of those. Thanks for your comment
@ Chris: Good to see you here as always. I get the same twinge of doubt when writing, but I’ve never applied this technique, I should try it.
what up Albert!
what a really thought provoking formula. And yes I am always hoping I have my parent’s validation in any endeavor I choose.
I also agree with yes, sometimes we just have to be aware of the way we feel about a situation and just move on.
I am becoming more mindful than ever with the words that I use in front of my kids. I avoid labeling them as “good” or “bad”. Their actions may not be wise, which is what I try to point them to.
Indeed, some of the things that have been said to me when I was young caused me to be in self-sabotage in my adult years. However, I do not blame my parents for they don’t know any better themselves.
Wow! You always seem to be going in the same direction as me.
@ Rocky: Heya Rocky! It is scary how much our parents influence us, even without our (conscious) knowledge, yea?
@ Evelyn: Always good to see you here
I think your kids are very lucky.
@ Flash:
It’s a fun exploration.
Yup, it’s all about awareness and release. Great post, very insightful and practical, thanks!
Hey Kaushik, glad you liked it!
True, awareness gives you the ability to be able to process and release. But I’ve seen people get stuck in the middle trying to let go of their issues but unable to, causing more pain than there was when they were unaware.
That doesn’t condone remaining in a negative cycle for risk of getting stuck and you have recommended professional support which is good.
It just makes me nervous when I think of people going to try and unearth massive personal issues unaided because they read a couple of paragraphs about how to deal with stuff.
you are right!!
i was just writing an article about healing our inner child few days ago
@ Thomas: I know exactly what you mean. Recently I’ve been a bit hesitant in posting some of the stuff I’ve been doing as they might be a bit overwhelming for those who don’t do this stuff very much.
@ farouk: Hey, I’ll go check it out now.
@Albert I wish sometimes I had sense enough not to post some of the stuff I’m doing because I tend to be pretty darn transparent lol. I’m sure I scare off some folks however..
…selfishly I purge a lot of “stuff” in the process of posting it too. To a degree it can be healthy for me. As long as I don’t get addicted to it and continue the same behaviors that lead to the desire to purge it to begin with. (That’s just egoic attention getting behavior)
In my case I tend to embrace now what I was resisting to begin with. Which is the whole reason I’m able to post it and be so transparent with out worry and with out concern of judgment. I know I’m providing value to my readership.
I’m not everything to everyone and there for it will end up in front of the right person at the right time that it was meant for.
I’m really enjoying some of these comments.
@ Tony: Hell no, transparency is a good thing.
There have been many discussions in other blogs about how blogs were dropped by readers because of lack of transparency.
You’re definitely helping the right person. My main concern in transparency isn’t that I’m revealing too much; it’s what others have discussed – some of this stuff can be overwhelming.
I know my own mind well enough to slow down if I get somewhere too nasty; plus I have a few psychotherapists as friends and backup if I ever fall. However, there’s always the chance that a reader won’t take precautions and accidentally dig into some heavy stuff that they can’t handle. That’s my main reservation in posting stuff like this.
Loving this discussion too
I absolutely agree Albert. It’s almost like giving a sports car to someone who hasn’t driven a go cart yet. (Ok extreme analogy)
But I completely agree with you.
I’ve been digging into some very deep area’s myself and with the help of a coach (One of Deepak Chopra’s top trainers)I feel safe as well as am having amazing results. (Shadow work, mirror work and a few other deep works)
I’m betting this conversation could go much deeper down the rabbit hole but maybe that’s for another post perhaps? lol
Hi Albert – Sorry to post this in comments, but there’s no other way to get in touch with you. I represent a self-help publisher and would like to open up a conversation with you. Please e-mail me, thanks.
@ Tony: haha! Feel free to email me any time mate
@ Melissa: Hi Melissa, thanks for your interest. I’ll email you soon.
Hello! This is my first time reading your website (heard about you through Beyond Growth).
I, a 35 year old woman, recently made the discovery that I am in control of my life and not my parents. Although I respect and love them, the choices I make are mine alone, whether they are good or bad.
Reading your entry reinforced my thoughts; good to know I am not alone on this.
Thank you so much.
Hi Kimberly, welcome, it’s good to have you here
‘Good or bad’
All judgement is paradoxical as I see it, including that one!
Haha, it’s complicated yes?
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