An imaginary conversation on forgiveness; what I had asked years ago, and the answers I have found since – right or wrong, I do not know, but offered in the hopes someone somewhere might benefit.
Forgiveness is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Why?
There is one thing I have realised. Our difficulties don’t come from the act of forgiving itself. The difficulty comes from two things – firstly, we don’t know how. It is not just a simple decision, although making that initial decision is hard enough. It is a process that requires a lot of work and courage; a process that nobody has ever taught us. And so we have to find out for ourselves.
Secondly, and more importantly, my mind resisted it with all its might. There are so many fears – so many myths – around forgiveness. It would be almost impossible to list them all. What is the first that comes to mind?
If we forgive them, aren’t we saying they were right, that what they did was OK?
As many teachers have said – forgiveness is ultimately for us. We are setting ourselves free. If we hate someone, who really receives the hatred? We do, not them. That is our basic mistake; we think that they are suffering because we hate. But all they get is a pale imitation of the pain – if they get any at all. Many of our grudges involve people who are no longer in our lives, and yet we are the ones who carry the memories, the pain, and the hurt. Forgiveness is about letting go of all that. It is more about us and our happiness than it is about the other person.
Maybe it is helpful to remember that forgiveness is an inner experience. Our inner world can change how we behave externally, but it does not have to – it does not mean we invite them over for dinner. Neither does it mean we sit idly by and watch while it happens again.
Doesn’t forgiveness mean we open ourselves to being hurt again?
There is a beautiful quote by David Hawkins: life survives not by hating the lightning but by avoiding where it is likely to strike. If someone had hurt me physically, I do not have to hate him in order to protect myself in the future. If I hate the man, then he has not only injured my body, but as the famous saying goes – now I have also let him narrow and degrade my soul.
Some teachers say that nobody is to blame for their sins, that we do not know what we do. I don’t like that – am I shirking responsibility? Are they saying we have no control over ourselves? That it is OK for someone to hurt another?
I do not know, for certain, what they mean. But perhaps they are teaching us to separate the deed from the person. Some call this separating the sin from the sinner, but if you enter into it with all your heart, you will find that there was a sin, but there was no sinner. The sin was committed by an innocent.
Imagine a baby boy. From the first day he arrived in this world, he was allowed to drink nothing but apple juice. Orange juice, he was told, was stupid and evil. The baby is innocent. He had no way of knowing the truth, and like all babies, he just listened and believed, listened and believed. Those who drink orange juice must be evil and stupid, there is no other way, for everyone in his little world said so.
What would happen if, one day, he saw a baby girl sitting next to him, drinking her orange juice? He immediately feels repulsed. Perhaps he doesn’t even know why; maybe he had forgotten what he had learnt. All he knows is that she looks evil and stupid.
What if he had seen his parents spit at people they dislike? He thinks that is simply the right thing to do; perhaps he just wants his parents to approve of him, and without thinking, he walks up to her and spits at her. The act is hurtful and demeaning, that is true. But he is innocent. He does not know any other way.
The thing that always struck me as I learned about the psychological theories of learning and development was the innocence of the child. Some see us as conditioned by the rewards and punishment – innocence, shaped by the actions and reactions of everyone and everything around us. Other theories think children model themselves after the adults in their lives – innocence, trying to imitate what the grown-ups do. Others think we introject – take in as our own – the behaviours and attitudes of other people. Innocence has no way of knowing what is right, what is wrong.
In the adult world, things might be more complicated, but the fundamentals are always the same. We are conditioned in different ways, we model different people. Beliefs, behaviours, and even emotions can be passed down through entire generations, spread throughout an entire culture and continent. Television, political slogans, advertising, and the people we mingle with – they shape us in ways we do not realise. But the entire time – we are as innocent as a baby. Most of us, except for a rare few, were helpless even as adults. We just continue believing, listening, and modelling.
Perhaps the teachers of forgiveness are pointing towards this innocence. When we put things in this context, we begin to separate the person from what she is doing. What she did was wrong, hurtful, but she is innocent.
If this is something that you do not agree with, then please drop it. I’ve found compassionate understanding to an important attitude to take in any form of inner work. This is merely something that has worked for me; I do not know if it works for other people.
Understanding? Compassion? It is easy for you to say, but what if you suffered through war, rape and murder of your loved ones? Could you talk about compassion then?
I don’t know – I am lucky enough to have gone through life without experiencing such horrors. If I ever did, I would probably go through all the hate and rage and suffering. But at the same time, I would struggle towards letting go of all that, towards forgiveness and understanding. Remember, always, that this is an inner experience. It does not mean we give up our morals, right action, or self-protection.
My answer is not out of some desire to be seen as saintly or spiritual – it is purely selfish. To me, forgiveness is healing, and healing is forgiveness.
There is no difference.
This is part of a small group writing project on forgiveness. Please visit the other writers for their take on forgiveness –
Tom Stine @ TomStine.com – There Is Nothing To Forgive
Daphne @ JoyfulDays.com – The Gift of Forgiveness
Takuin @ Takuin.com – The Wound of Forgiveness
Davidya @ In 2 Deep – Deep Forgiveness and Complete Forgiveness
Matthew @ Step Into The Flow – Forgiveness
Gail @ A Flourishing Life – Is It Time To Forgive?
More importantly, if you want to join in, please leave a comment with a link to your published article and I will add them to this list or highlight them in future articles.
UrbanMonk.Net provides comprehensive articles for your personal development - modern life, entwined with ancient spirituality.
Get the latest posts free via Email or RSS. |
Get The Latest Articles Free By Email: |
 |
|
58 Comments
Subscribe to the Comments
One of the disagreements I have with what some people write about forgiveness is that it’s about letting go of hatred. To me, that’s about a wrong idea of what hatred is. Forgiveness is letting go. That’s it. Hatred can still be there along with forgiveness. They are not incompatible. When we think hatred has to go for forgiveness to exist, we pretend forgiveness.
I went through years of wondering about forgiveness after my childhood of abuse. The word “forgiveness” was a word used against to me that meant “those unpleasant emotions should not be there”. What I was feeling was wrong. And yes, there was hatred in there.
What I learned, after some time, was that deep inside hate is beauty. What it really says is “I want distance”. The flower hates the volcano, in its own way, because it cannot live near the volcano. It doesn’t dwell on it, and there is also love there – but it wants distance.
Forgiveness is not achieved in spite of hatred, but through it.
http://www.stepintotheflow.com/forgiveness.html
Yo Downunder! The sun sets a little later here, but here’s the Deep take
http://in2deep.wordpress.com/2.....rgiveness/
Yes, we don’t know how. And mind doesn’t want to know how. Because that’s all the ego story is. Just a big blob of unforgiveness. Of resistance.
Great point about OKing what was done. I’ve seen that one used to keep the unforgiveness going.
Yes, and much of early childhood learning/conditioning takes place before we have any filters. We just soak it all in. It becomes part of our subconscious repertoire – speaking, walking, cursing, and fighting. Innocence does not discriminate.
I have known some who have faced war who would agree with you. The war does not end until we end it within.
Thanks for your thoughts, Albert!
Great post, Albert.
I’m glad we could get together and connect each others sites again.
And I especially love the way you’ve approached the subject.
Albert,
Thank you again for inviting me to join in this project. I was looking forward so much to see what you had written on forgiveness. The question about whether forgiving gives others permission to hurt us again was one I too struggled with.
I love the way you did the post – your younger self with the questions, and your older self with the answers. It’s an awesome read.
Matthew’s comment struck me as very insightful – forgiveness can co-exist with bad feelings, and distance is sometimes the best outcome.
@ Matthew – that comment gave me a lot to think about. While I understand that forgiveness is often used as a way of denying or making your negative emotions wrong, I’m not sure I fully understand how hatred and forgiveness can coexist. I can fully distance myself and protect myself from someone without hating him or her, am I right?
@ Davidya: Thanks! Especially knowing about the people who have been through war. I’ve heard stories of people who forgave completely after war (even hugging and saluting their former enemies), but I hesitated to write about that as I had no experience of that.
@ Takuin: Thanks buddy, yea it’s good to work together on the blog again
@ Daphne: Thanks for participating. I really enjoyed your entry!
Matthew – perhaps I could help clarify a bit. The issue is not hatred but holding hatred. So it is about letting go of hatred or any other emotion we try to hold onto. Even happiness.
The emotion itself is normal. Especially in such circumstances. After forgiveness we may still experience anger, fear, or hatred. But it will not be held. It will just be an experience.
It’s true of happiness too. Trying to hold happiness will just get in the way of it. We have to let it go.
It is also very perceptive to see that under all emotions, even hate, is beauty.
But if we’re holding hatred still, whatever the injury, then that is not complete forgiveness. As Albert covered, forgiveness does not make what was done OK. It simply heals the injury we experienced.
The trick is in the letting go. Anything else is incomplete. But you described it well. Even the flower doesn’t dwell on it….
thank you thank you thank you.
your timing is impeccable!
at this time of year, i find that a lot of old fears pop up. thank you for reminding me how to put those fears to rest. we are all limited when we place limitations on forgiveness and compassion. thank you again for this well written and well timed article.
peace…..
Albert,
Thank you so much for your beautiful writing about such an important topic.
I love the title: Our Innate Innocence. When we forgive, we can reclaim the innocence that is naturally who we are. I absolutely agree that we need to learn how to forgive, and this post is a wonderful contribution.
I also wrote about forgiveness on my blog. The post is called: Is It Time to Forgive? I also have recorded a process to guide people through the internal letting go called Time to Forgive. Anyone can listen to it or download it for free.
Wishing you well….
A very thought-inspiring article, Albert!
My take on forgiveness is this: I am the Creator of my own experience. At some level, I am responsible for everything I attract. Forgiveness is never about others, because I attract every experience I have. Forgiveness is gaining understanding of WHY I attracted a specific experience, what I learned or did not learn, how it served me … and integrating that understanding into my Being.
While forgiveness is about pointing fingers – “he did this, she did that” – we are forever disempowered.
I’m not sure about the piece around conditioning. I feel it is our responsibility to become conscious of the RESULT our conditioning is creating. Surely if our conditioning leads to nothing but death and war, someone who is willing to wake up and LOOK at the result will question their conditioning, and break free?
That to me is the responsibility of each individual – to take ownership of what they are creating in their experience.
Thank you as always for your thought-provoking writings!
Blessings,
Andrea
Albert, This is a great post touching on so many aspects of forgiveness, all of them valid.
I think the greatest aspect of forgiveness is that it means freedom for the forgiver. Freedom from clinging, freedom from the cause of the hurt, freedom to move on.
Keep the articles coming.
@Davidya I think we’re in agreement in that I said that forgiveness is letting go. Letting go of all emotions, including hatred. Letting go of ‘positive’ ones too, like pleasure. But letting go also means giving permission for it to be there – letting go of the need for change as well.
@Albert I’m curious what you think hatred is? What you ask is really dependent on the definition.
This is a larger topic, but my take on any emotion, including hatred, is that it’s a basic energy with a wide spectrum of manifestation. It’s like the levels of energy in “Power vs. Force”. Emotional love can manifest as clinging or it can be utterly accepting. Anger can be rage or it can be used for positive change, like Gandhi. Hatred can be used to do violence (which involves a certain perspective) or it can be used to generate positive distance. To me, it’s the same basic life energy in each of those, manifested differently. The energy is expanded and flowing, or contracted. Most people see those two sides of an emotion as different, but I’ve discovered that they are really the same. Everything changes manifestation when there’s no resistance, when there’s letting go, but in essence the base energy is always there.
To me this perspective is important, because I know from experience that any attempt to say that an emotion, like hatred, should not be there, simply creates intractableness. We end up fighting ourselves to be that image of forgiveness. The goal is wholeness, which includes everything.
These are wonderful and wise words in a great post and augmented so thoughtfully by comments. I’d like to add a reminder about forgiveness of the self. Forgiving one’s self for failures, imperfection, mistakes and for the hurt we’ve inflicted on others is essential if we are to live in a relationship of loving kindness with our self. If we can’t love and forgive ourselves and accept ourselves completely then we can’t love others completely and generously.
Thanks for this Albert. I’ve come to think of painful memories in which someone else seems to be “the problem” are kind of like tics or spasms in the body that we do unconsciously, and if we become aware of how we keep continually producing those memories they stop happening. The memories affect specific parts of the body — one of them used to tighten up a particular part of my neck — but when I noticed that it fell away, interestingly enough.
@ Davidya and Matthew:
OK I think I understand better now. Forgiveness is letting go but at the same time encompassing, not pushing away, hatred?
I guess I was locked into my definition of forgiveness (a very -end result- type of definition), whereas you are coming from the process of forgiveness. In the process, we allow hatred, eventually letting go of it. Am I right?
I was thinking more of the end product – to me, one of the signs true forgiveness is when we can think of the event with no negative emotion (having let go of it, not denying it), and perhaps even feel compassion for the perpetrator.
@ Siobhan Gray: You’re welcome! I enjoyed this article especially as it allowed me to return to heart-based writing, which I haven’t done in a long time, so I’m glad it has helped you so much.
@ Gail: Thank you so much! I’ve added your post to the list, and I’m going to listen to the mp3 when I get a minute.
@ Andrea: Heya! That is really a very empowering perspective, and you’ve described it wonderfully. It’s always good to read your comments.
@ Reddy: Thanks mate, season’s blessings to you
@ Siobhan Hannan: The comments are where the real value is at, I think. Agreed – all forgiveness is self-forgiveness in the end.
@ Chris: Yes! That is one of the best benefits of forgiveness – that our physical health improves immensely. We are no longer torturing ourselves with the pain. A teacher, I can’t remember who, said that with forgiveness, we let go of the past, and our body no longer carries around psychological time – this makes the body feel and look much younger than it actually is. Maybe it’s the new makeup and skincare product?
Hey Albeeert!
I’m not sure I would say forgiveness encompasses all emotions but it allows all emotion.
And yes, in completion there would be compassion. To ourselves and all others. But the issue with this idea is that it idealizes forgiveness. Makes it seem an impossible goal. The vast majority do not stand in unconditional love. Moments perhaps but not yet a full-time living reality. So the real question is how do I get there from here?
The answer is not in idealized release but in letting go incrementally of whatever comes up. Then, in those deeper moments of surrender, a conscious choice to let go big time. To really forgive.
This will move us closer to peace.
I ended up writing a second post on forgiveness, touching on some of these points and others that arose from the first post.
http://in2deep.wordpress.com/2.....rgiveness/
Ho Ho Ho!
Hi Albert,
Good article.I too agree that forgiving others gives us freedom- relief from unnecessary thoughts.However, to forgive oneself is more difficult than forgiving others.
Albert,
I write here because you have delete your email address. I would like to read your thoughts on jealousy. You haven’t write about this, have you?
Your writings have helped me a lot on why I feel and act certain ways. Thank you.
Merry X’mas & Happy Holiday!
@ Davidya: Wonderful thoughts. You know what, I’ve been on this “quest” for the past 3 years and the only reason I wrote this article was because I finally managed to forgive (not everyone, but some of the really major ones).
So I totally agree, it is a long process, but every step we take that brings us closer is something to be celebrated. I’ll add the link to the list.
@ Piya: Definitely, I find self-forgiveness really hard too, although I don’t know why. I’m trying to find out.
@ Eva: Thank you very much, and Merry Xmas to you too! I don’t think I’ve written anything about jealousy. I’ll try to write something but I don’t think I will have much to say.
Hmm… perhaps it is desire in a different form. If that is the case, read some of the older articles on attachment, and think of jealousy as attachment to A) the person and B) the need to be special, or their “one and only”.
Let me know if that helps.
Hey Albert – thanks for the 2nd link.
The reason why forgiving yourself is harder than others? That would end the ego story. Which would basically end the ego. The ego ain’t havin’ any o that, I can tells ya!
Perhaps also, forgiveness is not just an act of grace committed once, at which time, we are lightened, our experience transformed and relief overwhelms us. I suspect that forgiveness, especially in our close family and intimate relationships, and with one’s self, is something that needs to be revisited time and time again. Deep wounds have scar tissue which can be inflamed by events quite separate and different to the original wound. We revisit the original “wound” in a different way and thus need to forgive again, and then again – both ourselves and others. Each time we practice forgiveness it becomes easier to enter that state of grace, easier to slip from anger and resentment to love and acceptance.
Great post. Many of these concepts, like forgiveness and acceptance and surrender, are difficult to understand as concepts. My understanding deepened with the realization that acceptance and forgiveness is not something I do, but it’s something I stop doing. I let go.
Thanks for a very thoughtful post.
Heres an amazing video about forgiveness (10 mins). Some very good points. Happy xmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....eature=sub
Hi Albert, this is one of the best posts I have read about forgiveness. I have been trying to forgive someone for the past one year and you know what, I decided to put a stop to my resentment with 2009. This post has come in the right time to help me and heal my wounds. THANKS a lot.
You are right, Albert! Forgiveness is healing! It’s not the entire equation, but it’s most of it! I will stress what you wrote:
If we hate someone, who really receives the hatred? We do, not them. That is our basic mistake; we think that they are suffering because we hate. But all they get is a pale imitation of the pain – if they get any at all.
There is nothing more true than your statement. People barely even notice when grudges are held against them. What’s the point?
Thanks for this excellent article, Albert!
I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
Josh Lipovetsky.
PS.
I am interested in writing an article for the forgiveness project. Is there a deadline?
Sorry for the delay in reply guys – Xmas celebrations
@ Davidya: I suspected it would be something like that. Perhaps this is the final hurdle that will “push me over the edge” to enlightenment? Hehe!
@ Siobhan: That is very true, and beautifully put. I’ve found that we attach many many meanings to even one brief event – and we have to “process” that event many times, but each time, doing a different aspect of it.
@ Kaushik: Forgiveness as something that we stop doing – that is quite profound and is giving me a lot to think about.
@ Jag: Thanks for the video – it sounds like a very non-dual approach to forgiveness, and I enjoyed it.
@ SK: You’re very welcome, I appreciate your kind words
@ Josh: Thanks! You’re more than welcome to join in, there is no deadline. I might also highlight your contribution in a future post (I plan a couple more posts on forgiveness), because most of the readers probably won’t return to this post after reading it once. Look forward to reading it.
What? You’re having fun without us??
For most people, our ideas about enlightenment are the last barrier to being. (see below) Lack of self-forgiveness can indicate remaining resistance that can prevent this being seen. But it donna require no perfection, eh?
Anna donna forgetta! You will never, ever wake up. It’s not the “me” that goes “over the edge”. Self wakes to Itself. As long as the me is trying to wake up, it’s an idea of it, not being it. So stop it, eh?
Ho Ho Ho!
Thanks Santas secret to the light. When we can be amused by what life brings us, we’ll cease being caught and the traps will wind down. Happiness makes you happy. Cool or what?
New to your blog, don’t subscribe to all of your spiritual beliefs but really admire the scope of your site. Merry Christmas and God bless!!
@ Davidya: Imma gonna remembera!
I guess I can’t get the whole ladder to enlightenment model out of my head haha!
@ Marta: Thank you! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too.
Thank you, Albert, for putting up this series of articles on forgiveness. My apologies once again for not being able to participate.
Comments here are very interesting. Just wondering if piya who commented on this post is the same person from Singapore.
I agree with what piya has said. I can only speak from personal experience. To forgive others is so much easier than forgiving ourselves. Additionally, since everything external is a reflection or a mirror to what goes on inside, the inability to forgive others ultimately highlights our own difficulties in self-forgiveness.
When we think about self-forgiveness, we will start to ask ourselves who is the “self” that we are truly hoping to forgive. The blame that we heaped on ourselves lies in that we are and feel separated. It is with the knowing of the true self (or non-self or whatever) that all illusions shatter. While articles, books and audios can point us on how to forgive ourselves or others, the only way is through experiential knowing of who we truly are. Meditation is, I believe, the doorway to deep experiential knowing.
For a start, self acceptance can be helpful in the act of forgiveness. With self acceptance, no labeling or harsh judgment is to be practised. Awareness is key, to nip name-calling at its bud.
My comments are based on an on-going inquiry into the truth of who I am. It may or may not constitute the reality for others. I accept that others may not share in the same perspective.
Great Article Albert. Wishing you a very happy new year!
@ Evelyn: That is truly a beautifully insightful comment – what can I say? Thank you for that.
@ Amit: Thanks mate, happy new year to you too! And everyone else who’s reading this
Hi Albert
There were a few things I was struck by in this article that kind of melded together for me. The ideas of everyone’s innocence in not knowing, actual harm (war or whatever)and finally the offering of understanding and compassion to reach an aim we call forgiveness.
In my own experiences, having ‘known’ all three areas, it seems there is an order that must be followed to successfully let go, offer compassion to oneself or another, to accomplish the freedom in forgiveness.
I think the order of use is what we were not taught, all the actual ‘tools’, to be open/innocent, peaceful/loving, understanding/forgiving are inherent, or as some call it, our birthright. It seems to me that’s why questions arise for an individual, as in your examples, the ability and possibility of forgiving the horrific.
I’m still learning, so just an impression as I work on my own freedom, a thought about your thoughts.
Forgiveness gave me a sense of accomplishments. Specially self-forgiveness, that is mean I win over myself.
Learning to forgive teach myself more than how to forgive, but to survive without struggling.
@ Barb: That is great – I have a few thoughts on this as well, and I think I will put it into the upcoming article.
@ Josua: Thanks for your comment
My main problem is that though I practice forgiveness, I sometimes do it with my head and not with my heart. I end up persuading myself that I forgave the person who wronged me, when, in fact, hatred resides deep in the darkest corners of my soul. Eventually, it resurfaces and ruins my day.
As a comment to your innocents section.
Something I once heard that rang very true for me was:
“Everyone is just doing their best to be happy based on three things… Their awareness, their skills and their resources.”
Every wrong action taken by someone can be broken down into a lack of one or more of these 3 areas… I think this is a better way to look at things, rather than seeing it as being seen as an evil person doing an evil act.
@ Constantina: That is a great observation, and is something I aim to address in my next article. Thanks for sharing.
@ Devin: That is very true. Thanks for your comment
i like the idea that forgiveness makes the person free,a new and nice prespective
Thank you again Farouk!
Thank you for this article. I think forgiveness is for our own sake, it frees us. But what is it? Forgiveness is a change in perspective. Whereby we see that we are bigger than the transgression, that we are not victim. How do you know when you get there? When you realize there is nothing to forgive
David, that is a great way to of putting it. Thanks
Very interesting and unique ideas on forgiveness. I completely agree that when you hate you receive the hatred and when you forgive you get rid of it.
Thank you Helena!
Trackbacks / Pingbacks
show trackbacks[...] Albert Foong at Urbanmonk.net – Our Innate Innocence – Reflections on Forgiveness [...]
[...] UrbanMonk: Our Innate Innocence – Reflections on Forgiveness [...]
[...] Albert Foong at Urbanmonk.net – Our Innate Innocence – Reflections on Forgiveness [...]
[...] about making feelings bad. That’s just another form of resistance. As Matthew observed over on Urban Monk, even hatred can be a positive force. The key is not the emotions that arise. It is our [...]
[...] Albert Foong (The Urbanmonk): Our Innate Innocence – Reflections on Forgiveness [...]
[...] group writing project or sorts between myself, Albert Foong, Tom Stine, Daphne Lim, and Davidya, on the subject of [...]