Editor’s Note:This is a guest post by Gail Brenner of A Flourishing Life. Thanks Gail!
“I’ve been loved, I’ve been left.
I’ve been wronged by the best.
I’ve had hopes that were shattered in two.
I’ve heard promises spoken,
I’ve had dreams left so broken,
There was no chance they’d ever come true.”
~Country singer Terri Clark
Have you ever felt like there must be a hidden conspiracy against you? Somehow people know just how to make you feel hurt, angry, insulted, let down, disappointed, abandoned, betrayed. They break up with you, fire you, leave you, or humiliate you. The bottom line: you’ve been wronged!
Or have you?
Granted, people do not always behave in exemplary ways. But if you feel you’ve been wronged, the situation deserves a closer look. Certainly, you can confront the transgressor, contemplate revenge, or hold a grudge forever. However, if your life is motivated by the quest for lasting happiness and peace, feeling wronged offers you the perfect opportunity to illuminate a mental habit or emotional windstorm that isn’t serving you.
Let’s face it, feeling wronged feels terrible. Most of the time, anyway. It’s like a red hot fire that burns in our minds and hearts about what absolutely should not have happened. It is rigid, harsh, and often all-consuming. And maybe a little delicious? Isn’t there a part of us that loves being right? There’s something eerily satisfying about cutting down the perpetrator which inflates the belief that our own world view is beyond reproach.
Holding on to a story of having been wronged by someone keeps us stuck in a dark and lonely hole – and digging ourselves out takes thoughtfulness and self-reflection. Let’s dismantle what it means to feel wronged so you can reclaim the natural state of peace, ease, and freedom.
“I believe someone did something to me that they shouldn’t have done.”
Resisting reality is a recipe for suffering, and one form of resistance is to believe that something that actually occurred shouldn’t have. As long as you continue to hold onto this belief, you will continue to feel the fire of being wronged.
The truth is that challenging circumstances arise in life, and sometimes they involve how other people behave toward you. You may have strong feelings about the situation, you may wish it hadn’t happened, you may contemplate seeking revenge; but, the reality is what happened happened.
Inquire deeply into this thought: it shouldn’t have happened. How can you know? What is your evidence? How does feeding it affect you? Does it take you to happiness or suffering? You will discover that you are putting a lot of energy into believing a thought that isn’t actually true and doesn’t support your well being. Now you have a choice.
Consider using your precious attention to focus on supportive thoughts and penetrating questions rather than conclusions that keep you bitter and closed. Allow yourself to melt into openness and possibility.
“I am right; the other person is wrong.”
Taking a position and adhering to it vehemently is never going to lead to happiness. If you unquestionably believe that you are right, you are not open to seeing things clearly.
Our human minds love categorizing. It’s one of the ways we make sense of the world. The problem with categories like right or wrong is that they constrain and oversimplify – reality rarely fits into such a neat package. So if you are not right and the other person is not wrong, what are the other options?
Try compassion and understanding. Can you have compassion for yourself for the emotions you are experiencing? Rather than thinking you are right, can you accept that you feel sad or afraid? Can you see why the other person may have behaved the way they did? Is it possible that, at some level, they were acting from fear? Can you accept that the world isn’t perfect and that we aren’t always expressing our most virtuous selves?
Standing in the position of being right is going to keep you feeling wronged forever. Step to the side, open your mind and heart, and see things deeply as they are.
“I am a victim.”
If you believe that someone wronged you, you have identified yourself as a victim, and you are allowing your happiness to be held hostage by someone else’s behavior. You are passive and disempowered.
How to get out of this hole? Take responsibility for your own healing. Find your inner courageous explorer who is larger and wiser than your vengeful victim. Look inside yourself with tenderness and honesty to see what was triggered in you.
Befriend your feelings and the inner child who is feeling them. Ask yourself what the deepest, most hurt part of you really needs and offer it wholeheartedly. Let yourself grieve in your own loving embrace.
Focus on yourself in a positive and caring way and not on continuing the hurtful drama. No longer a victim, you can get on with the business of enjoying your life.
“I feel sorry for myself.”
Shift your perspective from self-pity to self-learning. This situation that you reacted to so strongly happened, so use it well. Reflect deeply to see what initially drew you to this person and why you were so affected.
Consider if there might be a grain of truth in what was said or expressed. Is your reaction a way to avoid admitting something important to yourself? What can this situation teach you about opening your heart – to yourself, others, and the tenderness of being human?
Put aside the whole story of being wronged and victimized, then have an honest, heartfelt conversation with yourself asking what you really want your life to be about.
What to do when you’ve been wronged? Like a carnival ride, find your way through the twists and turns to return to yourself, to peace, to the wonder of this precious existence.
I’d love to hear about your experiences with feeling wronged. Any insights you’d like to share?
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39 Comments
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Something you didn’t address directly which I think is important, or at least was very important in my own personal development, is letting go of the need to “get back” or “get even” with someone who you believe as wronged you.
Maybe they have wronged you, maybe they haven’t. But either way, the desire for revenge and the sense of being wronged is rarely beneficial.
A sense of being “hard-done by” is a defeatist way of thinking. The feelings are nothing but a waste of time. Acceptance and letting go – as with many things – is the best perscription.
Realising that there are other places for you to put your energy, more positive things to focus on. Realise that chasing empty pay-back is not going to help you succeed next time, or make things better for yourself.
Notice how it’s often the most stable, most successful, and people with the highest self-esteem who also the most forgiving. They will not make a “big deal” out of little perceived “injusitices” here and there – infact these occasions are like water off a ducks back.
Rich
I was left for another woman (a friend) after 40 years of marriage. Definitely felt “wronged” by the two of them. However, did not want to become old and bitter and worked hard to forgive. Am now, after 14 years almost courageous enough to apologize first tho I have no clue as to my part in the fracture of our marriage. He cannot look at nor talk to me so the opportunity may not rise, but I hope to be “ready” if and when it does. My life now is great!
@Rich: I’m so glad that you mentioned the feelings of revenge that can accompany feeling wronged. We have all heard the saying, “revenge is sweet,” but anyone who has suffered from these obsessive thoughts knows they can fester painfully.
As you said, truly accepting what has happened and focusing on more positive, life-affirming ways of being can heal and transform us.
Some of us do take things more personally than others, and all of us can benefit from being very kind to ourselves when we are caught in a swirl of difficult thoughts and feelings.
Your comment is a great addition to the discussion. Thanks so much.
Gail
@Anne: I love hearing your story of forgiveness! You have taken a very challenging life situation and have used it so well for your own unfolding.
The key is that you didn’t want to become old and bitter. You were clear about what you wanted and embarked on the inner investigation that allowed you to free yourself.
That you are willing to apologize is a testament to the depth of your letting go.
I am so glad your life is great!!
@Albert: Thank you so much for the opportunity to guest post on your blog. I love what you are doing here and look forward to interacting with your readers.
Big love to you,
Gail
Gail
You seem to write exactly what I need to hear, at the right time. This is one of the “issues” I am working on – “why did so&so do that to me?” Poor me, I am the victim. But I know I am not. As I look at it, I think the entire situation was doomed from the start, but for a good reason, to make me look at my victim self. There are deeper reasons for my self-doubt and victimhood, than what so&so did and I am uncovering those. Reading your work is helping me.
Thank you, I am grateful I found your website.
Deb
What an inspiring article. Inspiring because you lay out a very concrete way to access the truth of a situation.
For the longest time I felt life had wronged me because it took the life of my first wife suddenly and prematurely.
But look: many years later I have come to realize the truth — that the truth of that dear one hasn’t actually gone anywhere. It’s timeless. Just as the being in each one of us is timeless. You can’t actually lose anything that is true and beautiful — my take now, and what freedom it brings.
Hi Gail,
I would go as far as to say that even from a selfish perspective it’s better to let go of those feelings.
Even if compassion was not a consideration (I know it is a lot of the time, and that’s a bounus of course) it’s still better to let go of the feeling of “being wronged” rather than acting on it or dwelling based on even purely selfish reasons.
Why?
Because if revenge really is sweet, it is not the sweetness of fresh air, a flower, or ripe fruit that we’re talking about. It’s the sweetness of a bag of processed sugar.
It’ll give a short term buzz, and a long-term drain, carbo-crash, extra-weight, mood-swings, and so on.
Revenge is a waste of energy, and a waste of time.
That’s why it’s prudent (note again, I say prudent rather than compassionate or spiritual because it actually makes sense to do so even without adding those things) accept, move on, and re-focus works in life – as in meditation.
Thanks for the post!
Rich
@Deb: Hi Deb,
So glad to see you over here at UrbanMonk!
It is wonderful to hear that you are using a challenging situation as a support for your inner investigation and ultimate freedom.
Your commitment to shining the light of your attention right into those most hidden places of self-doubt and victimhood is so clear. Becoming aware of these dynamics creates the possibility for consciously choosing freedom and happiness.
Love to you, my friend….
Nice post. I tend to remind myself that I’m in complete control of myself whenever I’m wronged. That way I know it was because I allowed the person to wrong me rather than blame the person for affecting me.
Well timed for my reflection ~:-)
I experienced attempts at institutional bullying at uni as an undergrad. What got me through was accepting that certain people chose to “see” me a certain way.
When people don’t trust me I walk away emotionally and physically where possible. Apparently this was breaking the rules of the game~ I accepted that too ~:-)
What I realised was how much power I had over my attitude. That people needed to mob to feel safe to shoot an arrow at me. From that I developed compassion~ how crap they must feel inside to need to make whatever I did, about them. And I didn’t/don’t need like this.
I really came to understand freedom and my ability to say “no thank you” to attitudes and behaviours I didn’t want in my life, from others or myself.
Teflon hearted ~:-)
@Craig: So much wisdom in your comment, thank you. Knowing that you are in control of yourself, is the end of blaming the other. Beautifully said.
Hi Char,
What a revelation to discover that you have power over your attitude!
In fact, the only thing we have power over is where we place our attention. And when we place it on our inner reactions, we have the opportunity to make an affirming choice.
And I love your capacity to see the suffering in those who mistreated you. They were caught up in their own reactions. When we are truly conscious of our own experience, mistreating others becomes impossible.
It’s my pleasure Gail!
Nice post Gail!
I’m always amazed how much some people seem to enjoy having a reason (in their mind anyway) to hate, to resent, to be angry and to bitch. What’s the point? In fact, why hate at all? Unless there’s something I’m missing, hate doesn’t typically result in too many positive outcomes does it? Kind of seems like a waste of energy to me. If only we would channel all that emotional energy into something a little (or a lot) more positive, productive and practical. It’s like some people think that if they forgive someone then they are condoning what he or she has done. Nothing could be further from the truth. Does anything good ever come from holding on to anger, bitterness and resentment over the long term? I think not. All that negative crap ever produces is emotional cancer. And if you hold on to it for long enough, physical cancer. And that’s a fact Jack.
Hi Craig,
Wonderful to hear your clarity about letting go of what creates bitterness and resentment.
It’s a fact of life that not everyone has this clarity. We’re all in the school of life, and we each take different paths – some people’s paths are slower and more circuitous than others.
When you look at it this way, we are all here to help and inspire each other. Thanks so much for your comment.
Heh, for me the issue is usually “oh, no, I’ve wronged somebody else,” but I think the same ideas apply — recognizing that I’m only human and I can’t take 100% responsibility for everyone else’s feelings if I want to stay sane.
Hi Chris,
I absolutely love your honesty! And as you say, the ideas in the post apply to the one doing the “wronging” as well as the one being wronged. Maybe, most importantly, having compassion for oneself and the other.
You can’t be responsible for anyone else’s feelings, because they are something you have no control over. Your journey is your own, and the path to sanity is the willingness to take 100% responsibility for yourself.
All the best to you in your journey…
Great post, Gail. Byron Katie’s The Work does a pretty good job of exposing our attachment to beliefs.
Hi Kaushik,
Thanks for mentioning Byron Katie. I think she’s wonderful!!
Hi Syoma,
Thanks so much for your comment! An apology is definitely appropriate whenever we become aware that our actions hurt another.
But if we feel wronged, and we wait for an apology, we are missing a golden opportunity to learn something about ourselves. And the apology may never come.
When we take responsibility for our own happiness, we don’t need to rely on the behavior of others.
Hi, I want to comment that I think what holds people back at times is the lack of understanding of how to move forward – without proper boundaries or assertiveness, it is difficult to forgive as it can put oneself into the same situation again. I have been acutely aware of this as the survivor of an abusive marriage, and although I too have the conviction to come out of it without bitterness and as an emotionally whole person, there are times when I have to just let go and forgive myself the nasty thoughts and emotions, until I can learn the tools to get out of the mess I am in.
Hi Anna,
I am so glad you commented, and I appreciate the points you make. I love how you have taken huge steps in your life, at probably great risk, to take good care of yourself.
And I completely respect that you now see your journey as an inner one – forgiving yourself and others, finding a way to accept the situation without bitterness.
When we open up to everything and let it in, including the nasty thoughts and emotions, we have the opportunity to discover peace. Nothing is excluded.
This can be extremely challenging at times, but bears the fruit of unearthing all the hidden patterns. Once they are seen, we can become conscious enough so we make the choice not to act on them. This all takes some time, so being very kind to yourself is helpful.
All of us have a wise voice inside that directs us to exactly where we need to go. Our job is to listen. I suspect that once you get to know that voice inside yourself, when to set boundaries and when to be assertive will start to become clear.
Sending you love and wishing you well along your journey…
Hi Gail,
thank you so much for that reply. It means so much to me to hear something so encouraging and helpful. I am slowly rediscovering that wise voice, and hope one day to be hearing it a lot clearer and quicker! But in the meantime, thanks, and I wish you all the best too..
I’m so glad, Anna. You can count me in among your best supporters!
Great article! Leads me to think how inner bonding is so important.
Thanks so much for your comment, Niti.
Inner bonding is so essential in learning from life experience. When we take responsibility for our reactions and befriend all parts of ourselves in love, there is the possibility of being free of old patterns that hold us back.
Feeling like we have been wronged creates a golden opportunity for deepening in self-knowledge and finding relief from suffering.
In my case, I actually had a very promising career ruined by retaliatory management officials, which ultimately lead to a breakup of my marriage, financial disaster and years of a major depressive disorder. My personality changed drastically as well as my faith. The psychic pain of what took place so many years ago remains withme to this day and figures largely in my inability to get better. While I have tried to reflect upon many of the positive comments stated here, it does seem that there are events which happen in one’s life which may have been too traumatic to even hear a whisper of the “wise voice” inside.
Hi Frank,
I so appreciate your comment and your heartfelt description of what has happened to you, and I am very sorry for the pain you have experienced.
I really hear that you haven’t yet found your way out of the pain. I can’t begin to know about you and your particular situation, but I do know of many people who have undergone the most horrendous circumstances who have found a way to open their hearts and continue to truly live.
These include the mother of a murdered child who was able to forgive the child’s killer, people who have experienced all forms of abuse in childhood who are able to thrive, the daughter of a man in the mafia who has found true inner freedom, Elizabeth Smart who at age 14 was abducted and terrorized for 9 months and is now a model of the possibility of resilience. And there are countless others.
That you are reading this blog and took the time to comment says to me that you still long for peace and resolution, despite the challenge to your faith. I totally support you in that desire, and I know from my own experience the possibility of getting disentangled from the story and feelings and finding peace.
There are many resources here and on my blog as well. I am not being sentimental or overly optimistic when I say that freedom from this knot you find yourself in is absolutely possible.
When our thoughts and emotions subside enough, we can begin to hear the wise voice inside. The first step is to befriend these painful aspects of our experience. Only then do they begin to lose their power over us.
I am happy to be a support for you, Frank. I wish you well on your continued journey….
Gail,
Thank you for your thoughtful comments. It was like one shade had lifted in a fully darkened house. Although I feel that shade starting to close once again, I know that I must do what I can to lift all the shades and keep them there. I know that this will be a daunting goal, but with suggestions like yours, it will help me along that journey. Thank you again.
Frank
You are so welcome, Frank. What a beautiful metaphor: lifting the shades.
When we keep telling ourselves the same sad story, we stay stuck. When we lift the shades, we see everything we have been avoiding about ourselves, and the light that was there all along can shine brightly. This is the possibility for all of us.
All the best to you,
Gail
What do you do when the “wrong” involves your children and an ex who is controlling and vengeful? It is hard to remove those feelings when you see your children feeling this confusion. It is also unrealistic to stand by and allow the children to deal with awkward situations. Are there writings on this topic geared toward the young mind?
Thanks for any and all advice.
Dear Karyn,
I appreciate your comment, and I feel the intensity of the situation coming through your words. Obviously, this is not the right time to for you to let go – you have more pressing matters, which is the welfare of your children.
I don’t know of any writings specifically for the young mind, although I think there are some children’s books available about divorce. The best thing you can do is protect your children as much as possible. When they see you going to bat for them, over and over, it will help them feel secure. Love them with all your heart and provide a stable home for them if you can. You probably won’t be able to shield them completely, but they will benefit from your efforts.
I wish you and your children well…
Thanks Gail,
It’s been two years and I would love to move away from this sort of pain. I guess it will have to wait for a bit longer.
I will keep reading here and hopefully find my center again. Thank you for all you do.
I want to clarify, Karyn. The possibility of moving away from the pain is always present. You can look within yourself to see what is keeping you from your own sense of peace – and be there fully for your children as well.
If you don’t want to suffer, you don’t have to. Bring love to all those hurting parts of yourself, and the pain will eventually ease.
Gail, I just wanted to add a personal thank you for the great support you are providing here.
Karyn, I don’t know what to say but to wish you all the best with everything. Your courage is beautiful.
Gail,
You just made me smile. Believe me, I do not plan to wallow. Just keep on keeping on, like I do. I have moved past much of the pain where I can handle it when he is rude to me, it does not effect me nearly as much anymore. It’s when he uses the kids that I feel that familiar fire. It gets me every time. I do believe this man knows exactly what he is doing and will do whatever he can to get his fist around my heart. But I am learning, I promise. And sadly, so are the children. My kids, although only 11 and 13, are very aware of their place in the world and I do believe that some of your writings here may help them as well as they help me and your other readers. I will suggest it to them.
Again, thanks so much for your love and positive energy!
And Albert…you too! Thank you for your support. Nothing warms my heart more than the kindness of strangers. We are all in this together, right?
Thankyou for all your wonderful comments..I have been treated in a not so honest or trustworthy way, but I don’t feel wronged or angry or a victim, yet this person now needs me to do something for them, which I feel then will leave me feeling like a victim! Am I heartless and lacking in compassion…why?
Hi Steve,
You are being called to draw on your inner wisdom. You may be moved to help this person – or not. Look inside yourself and see what is true for you, regardless of what you think you “should” do.
However you respond, may it come from an open heart. Just because our hearts are open doesn’t mean that we necessarily say “yes.” Sometimes the most loving response is “no.” So, no, you are not heartless and lacking in compassion if you say no. You are simply listening to yourself and doing what is appropriate in the moment – which may include taking care of yourself.
I wish you well….
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