A friend came to me one day, feeling really upset. There was a man who had made her day thoroughly miserable; he was nasty, rude, and embarrassed her in front of her friends for no reason.
“How can people be so mean? I’ve heard that when they are nasty, it’s because they are in a lot of pain themselves. Is that true? How does that work?”
I didn’t know for sure, but I have been thinking about the same topic a lot, and so I did my best to give her an answer, no matter how clumsy or wrong I might be.
Imagine that you had a fifty dollar note in your wallet, and one day you opened your wallet and the wind blows it away. How would you react? It would probably depend on how much money you had. If you were a multi-billionaire, you might not even care. On the other hand, the average person might run after it but give up after a while.
But what if you are homeless, sick, and haven’t eaten in days? What if that money was all you had in the world? I would run and scream and jump into the ocean if that was where it went; I would get on my hands and knees and dig it out of a mountain of dung if that was where it landed; I would do almost anything to get it back.
Is it the same thing, but an inner equivalent, with all the nasty things that people do? Self-esteem, approval, happiness – what would one do to get it? The man who walked up to her and began humiliating her, he really wanted to look “cool” in front of his friends. He was emotionally poor and starving and full of self-hatred, and he would do anything to avoid that awful feeling that was eating away at him.
The nastier he is, then the more desperate he is to fix that pain – except he doesn’t really know how, and chose the unhealthy, hurtful way to do it. It doesn’t matter what he looked like externally; she told me he had a really nice business suit and a really expensive looking haircut. One’s inner state doesn’t always correspond to one’s outer state. Inside, he was starving emotionally, he was in pain, and he was doing the best he could to fix it. Conversely, emotionally rich people, those who are happy and full of self-esteem, are compassionate and caring. The joy overflows from them in the same way that water flows out of a full cup if you keep pouring.
(By the way, if a reader is thinking, I understand the emotional poverty, but what does he mean by pain? This is because I actually used a different illustration with my friend, but changed it for this article in case someone got offended. The original story I used was a joke video I saw on Youtube once – a man who was stuck in an elevator overnight and had diarrhoea. He was in such pain that after a few hours he just did his business in the corner of the elevator then burst out crying at the mess he made. He had no choice, he was just in so much pain and he didn’t know what else to do. Wait – I just told my readers anyway, which defeats the purpose of making up the dollars in the wind story. Ah well, pick whichever one you prefer. 
)
Is this understanding something we use to condemn them, to laugh at their misfortune? Do we feel better because it is a form of revenge to know that he is suffering inside himself? It is easy to start thinking that way, but the grim “satisfaction” from such thoughts is actually quite painful. We are just replacing one form of pain with another. It only feels better in comparison to the original hurt, if it does at all.
Perhaps we would be better served if we used it for understanding and compassion. How? If we can see his motivations in this way, we begin to see that it was less to do with us than we thought. The hurt begins to diminish, because a big part of the hurt is that we think we somehow deserved it. Allow me to explain.
This is one of the most common thoughts we have when someone treats us poorly: Why me? Is it something to do with me? Did I deserve it?
The answer, of course, is different in every situation. Sometimes we did do something wrong. But in her case – a random attack from a total stranger – it was more about him than it was about her. And if you are reminded of someone that hurt you in the past, think carefully about what happened – could it be more about them than it is about you too?
I remember one night I was at a relative’s café. It was late in the evening, and he had closed shop for the night. The lights were mostly off, the waiters and chefs had gone home, and the plastic chairs in the outdoor area were neatly stacked up, ready to move back into the building. The two of us remained inside after closing time, enjoying a quiet chat.
All of a sudden we heard a clashing noise from outside. A man, possibly drunk, had walked past the café in a rage, and he was raving and shouting at something or someone. As he walked past the chairs we had stacked up, he punched them, smashing them over before storming off. The poor chairs! Are they so hideous? Are they so pathetic? So ugly?
Can you see what I am getting at? Could we blame the chairs for what had happened to them? He was in a rage, and the chairs just happened to be in the way. What have they done to deserve it? Nothing.
But why did he choose to call me names? My friend was upset and unconvinced at the chair story. Why not the person sitting next to me?
Again, only he would know the real reason for sure. But my best guess was simply that she was convenient, or maybe she couldn’t hurt him back. To illustrate this: why did the man outside the café punch the soft plastic chairs and not the big metal umbrella stands that were right next to them? He would have hurt his hand, probably. It was a snap decision – he had no choice, his emotional pain was so strong and he didn’t know a healthier way of dealing with it. He just had to hit someone and the first thing he saw that wouldn’t hurt his hand was the stack of flexible plastic.
In the same way, maybe my friend just didn’t look assertive enough. Maybe it was because she was young and looked innocent. Maybe the person sitting next to her had big muscles and tattoos. Again, we don’t know for certain, but these are certainly likelier explanations than what she was thinking: What is wrong with me? Am I just despicable, a total loser, so much so that some random stranger hates me when I’ve done nothing to him!
Something I forgot to add: There is another piece of information that might help us accept this. Because what happened was rare for us, we think it is a rare event overall. Therefore, it must have something to do with us, right? Therefore, we did something to deserve it, right?
But think about this: With my friend, it’s almost certain that the man does it all the time. It simply wasn’t personal, although it felt that way to her because nobody had abused her like that in her life. But for him, it’s just another day; she was the latest in a long line of targets. Consider that possibility with whatever happened to you, too. Whatever he or she did – it has happened many times before, to many other people and will most likely continue to happen to many more in the future. It might not have had anything to do with you.
With many people, a simple chat like this can be all they need. Certainly my friend felt better, and so I didn’t continue. But have you ever felt like there is a clash inside you? That you understand it intellectually, but you sure didn’t feel any better? Your head gets it but your heart doesn’t?
One thing we can do then is to simply let the answer sink in. Sit with the new understanding a little bit – for instance, it wasn’t my fault, or it wasn’t because I am a loser. And just let the emotions be there, whatever comes up. This might feel good, so enjoy it if it does – but it is even more important if somehow it feels horrible. Feel it completely, without resisting or judging it, and let it play out. If you are familiar with The Work of Byron Katie, you can use the entire process with your original belief.
A second, very similar, option is to simply welcome and feel the emotions around the issue. It is helpful to explore both sides in this manner. In other words, if you believe that it happened because you are a loser, then process out the feelings that come with the statement “It did not happen because I am a loser” AND “It happened because I am a loser”.
If there is someone hurtful you have not quite forgotten, something that still hurts, spend a few minutes thinking of what we discussed in this post. Pretend that you were the friend I was comforting – does any of it seem true, or at least more likely? Spend a few more minutes exploring the two processes described above, and then think about it again, and see if it doesn’t make you see things in a different light.
You’ll notice that this article discusses what we do after the event. If you are looking for something to do while it is happening, we discuss some ideas in the Personal Boundaries series.
The first link goes out to Akoha. It’s a nice little website that provides “missions” for us to complete – the great thing is, each mission is fun and adds a little joy to the world. It’s free, too.
The next link goes out to Chris Foster of The Happy Seeker. One of the genuinely nice people out there on the internet! You might like a recent post – Top Ten Ways To Be Unhappy.
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I try to see a mean person as a small child and consider what they might be sad about or what is frightening them. Not always an easy thing to do but, it really does help with getting past the angry mask and seeing the person as hurting.
Another approach is to pursue the argument with yourself – until you find an agreement or compromise or higher resolution.
Thanks for a great post once again.
Just wanted to say thank you for the post and all your posts for the time and energy and thought and onwards positive butterfly effects it manifests throughout the world. It is a beautiful thing, thank you again.
‘Inside, he was starving emotionally, he was in pain, and he was doing the best he could to fix it.’
That brought me a new understanding (intellectually), thanks!
This was nearly as good as your old articles.
@ Clearly Composed: That is a great technique!
@ Evan: That is a good approach too. To be honest, most of the stuff I discussed with her I was spinning in my head in the way you described, for days beforehand. Always good to have you here, mate!
@ Cecilia: Thank you – little notes like these mean a lot to a blogger, more than you know
@ Jag: Hi mate – thanks as well. Yes – this was a post I’ve been spinning for a long time, I think that’s why it was comparable to the older posts as well. The glory days, ah…
Oh, and I just added a new update, two more paragraphs. It’s a point I think is important, but forgot to add in the original post – if you missed it the first time around, please go back and have a look. It might help a little.
Hi Albert..
This is just what I needed. Very nice and very useful article. .Thanks and god bless
Hi Albert,
Thanks for your article. I got your reason that a mean person is most likely lacking emotionally and lack of self-esteem.
Unfortunately, I won’t be that sympathetic with them, not because I’m cold hearted. There are many different kind of people in this world. Some people deal with their pain/suffereing in different ways; some resort to being mean to others. These mean people are likely to lack of “Empathy” towards others and they are Selfish because all their actions are to make themselves feel good while keep hurting others. I wonder should trying to understand them is the way to go? Or should I be more compassion towards them because they are in pain and they keep on hurting others? May be I don’t have the answer to that yet. At this moment, I could only learn how to distinguish people just being mean to you, and then just let it go and move on.
@ Uzma: You’re very welcome, thanks for your comment!
@ A Grateful Guest: You’re welcome too. Definitely, I know what you mean. I’m always a fan of the approach “Take what works for you and discard the rest”
Hi
i think one of the best ways to get rid of these is to get rid of the success syndrome. More often than not, we place so much emphasis on others recognition of our work that we just forget the value of the work we have done.
To get rid of this, people need to see beyond the success as defined by the traditional boundaries.
Success is much more than that.
The best way to overcome grief in such a situation is to try and forgive the person. Practice it. Once you master the art of forgiveness, you will become eternally happy.
I love what you’re writing. Please don’t ever stop!
@ Jack: Thanks for that comment.
@ Box: I appreciate encouragement like that, they do help a lot, thanks!
You might not like this, but I would say your friend allowed herself to be a victim.
At the end of the day there should be no need to analyse the motivation of a victimiser, it is a simple case of assertiveness. If the man had been attacking her with a knife, would she remain passive, accept that she was being stabbed and then worry about why it happened afterwards? NO! she would fight back or run away at the first sign of trouble and feel lucky to still be alive!
I think what you have said is important in assessing the situation AFTER the event but it must be done in the context of not making oneself the victim by being self critical (I did not defend myself) or justifying the motivation of the victimiser (I probably deserved it).
My current mantra is “The bigger you try to be; the smaller you become.” the victimiser in your story totally validates my theory.
Hi, Albert -
I always try to remember that every single person has a life story that includes happy times and sad times . . . we all are wounded in some way and are all trying to heal and figure it out. Sometimes we just need some compassion.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
Albert,
Right on the money as always bro. I am recommending this article to another friend who needs this kinda advice.
@ Bob: Definitely, I know what you mean. I feel I have to defend my friend a bit (I already feel a bit funny putting her bad experience on the blog like this, even though she said it was OK).
From personal experience with random attacks, there frequently is the element of shock and surprise (who would expect such things just walking down the street, for instance?)
And agreed totally with your last bit!
@ Marie: I think compassion is the way to go as well, although I see it as more of an end goal – with my friend for instance, healing her own hurt was more important (and perhaps the same thing – once she healed the hurt compassion would probably be the natural response). Thanks for your comments, good to have you here
@ Abubakar: Thanks mate! Hope it helps!
Why are people mean?
#1. I completely agree with Clearly Composed. Not only in the fact I see those people as children who are hurt but I see that as a fact anyway. We’re all just big kids walking around with 80% of our cognitive skills acquired by age 7.
#2. Another way to look at it from a responsible manner is that our exterior world is a mirror of our internal world and this person is reflecting an unresolved issue within ourselves. How we react or how we respond is up to us. This is our “lesson” to be experienced and learn from. By stepping into our “higher selves” we come from a place of responsibility.
What can I do?
This is where I choose respond rather than react. No it’s not always easy I admit. When someone does something nasty, mean or seems undeserving if we aren’t careful we can immediately go into resistance or even dare I say victim mode.
The one question I would never ask myself is “Why Me?” This invites me into my “story” This let’s my “lower self” into the mix and it’s nearly impossible to not experience feelings of helplessness. (Victim) “Why me” invites more of a knee jerk “reaction.”
The more empowering thing to do is to ask, “What is it this person is experiencing and projecting on me?
What pain is this person is really feeling?
What can I walk away from this experience with that Is unresolved within me?
A final thing to say to yourself or even the other person is something so simple:
“I love you.”
Imagine something that sounds so trivial could be (and is) so powerful. If you’re not comfortable saying that to this “mean” person then just smile, and say to yourself, “I love you.”
This may sound impossible to some but like any habit it can become 2nd nature.
Thanks for the awesome article Albert as always. Great work my friend.
Another insightful comment mate, always enjoy reading your contributions.
Many comments have raised the whole victim issue. I’m not sure about this because I haven’t reached a conclusion in my own thoughts, but perhaps thinking about why we feel we are a victim – “why why me” rather than “why me” can be quite informative rather than just avoiding the issue. I have a feeling there is a lot more underneath it – most likely some past trauma or insecurity that makes us think we deserve it. Of course, this only applies to relatively minor hurtful events, I don’t even want to suggest that being the victim of a beating can be a learning experience.
I think some people are mean just because they want to be. In fact I would go so far as to say that some people are actually evil, just because they want to be.
Sad, but true.
Jonathan – thanks for your comment, and good to find your blog! I left a comment there
i believe everyone is in need to read this post, thanks Albert
You’re welcome mate, glad you like it.
Oh my gosh. You just summed up why people are mean. It makes a ton of sense. This is definatly something I will share with my daughter who is going into high school next year. Great post!
Thanks Albert. I really enjoy your spirit. Mind you, your words are good too! I want to underline what you say about “just letting the emotions be there, whatever comes up (even if it feels horrible)”.
Don’t you think it’s one of the biggest joys we can have — to realize Hey these feelings come and go — but this truth of myself has neither beginning nor end?
It’s important not to expect people to behave the way we want them. Backgrounds vary and so do the humans they create
RE: Why People Are Mean and What We Can Do
There is an excellent response to that issue, but it would be an article. However a link to submit material does not seem evident, so how do we handle that…?
Thanks for your comments everyone, and apologies for the delay in reply – exam time just finished!
@ What Dogs Like: Thanks!
@ Christopher: Love your comments, as always
@ Paul: Definitely!
@ vvurdsmyth: I’ve sent a personal email to you
It’s all about energy! I am a sensitive person which I find is a good quality to have as you are more receptive and more intune with what is happening. I use to take peoples negative comments very personal to the I would not sleep all night. Their comments would go on and on in my head. Since launching my internet start up which is male dominated field I get tons of discrimitory comments and rejection. 1000′s of rejections. Now it does not bother me. I learned the secret and that is when anyone says something nasty or rejects what you do or you, respond back with positive energy. For example say if you apply for a position or venture capital and the response is its not for, it will never work, even though it is hard say to the person thank you for your feeback and I wish you the best and even write this is an email if recieved as a response. As i found it being supportive, positive and thankful it separates me from allowing the negative energy to linger or take control, I completely release this way. The positive voids at the negative. This is what successful people are made of. Just like Thomas Edison said, I have not failed 10,000 times I have only learned what doesn’t work or take Walt Disney who was rejected 302 times before he got a loan to build Disneyland. He was able to not allow those rejections to get to him and tehrefore in the end he became one of the greatest of achievers.
Thanks Genyfer for that insightful comment! I’ve never thought about the energetic side of things before – that’s definitely something for me to think about and try out, so thanks!
Apologies for the delay in reply, needed some time away from the computer
only 2 words can describe this blog post “beyond amazing”
keep up that amazing work!!
Thanks Farouk!
This was a powerful post fill with wisdom. I love the chair analogy. It is so important for us to understand that often times we are simply in the way when we are on the receiving end.
Hi Mark, thank you for your compliment, I appreciate it!
Truer words have never been spoken. This post was extremly helpful and something I can’t wait to show my daughter. I really did love your post!
This article was awesome! Your blog is such a bliss to read. I make sure to read all articles. The compassion articles were soo good!
I have a copy of the articles that i always print for bed time reading.
Really enjoy your insights. You must have wrote this article “inspired” by a couple of my teenage daughter’s friends. Breaks my heart, but what can a parent do?
Kendell, Niti, and Steve, thank you so much for your kind words – and Niti, printing out my articles is like one of the biggest compliments!
Thank you for the insights. I’ve found that we can’t do much about other people being mean but we can modify how we react. This doesn’t mean that we condone or like what other people are doing, just that we choose to not let it ruin our day or life.
Learning how to not let the actions of others affect us is simply the process of learning to heal ourselves and move beyond the hurts that live inside us and are triggered by others’ actions.
Hey Guy – agreed with you, love that phrase “not let it ruin our day or life.” Thanks for your comment!
This was great. Really helped me understand some situations I’ve been in.
I agree with the part about a person being the “latest in a long line of targets.” It really helps depersonalize the victimization, which I think is important.
Thank you!
Hey Lisa, thanks for that! That was a big revelation for me too, and can be hard to see when you’re right in the middle of feeling crappy.
Hi Albert,
Thanks for your thoughtful post and your engaging website. It has a real calming energy about it.
The title of the post grabbed me right away because I think it’s something people grapple with everyday. It’s right up there with the Job Conundrum–”Why is this happening to me?”
We tend to internalize other peoples opinions and actions toward us, when the root cause probably does not have to do with us. Your story about the drunk guy throwing the chairs was a good analogy because sometimes we are just there in the midst of the maelstrom.
Christ talks about inner purity and says that that which comes from without cannot defile you (he is ostensibly talking about food, but we can intellectually and with the heart, bridge the gap between food, words, actions–none of these things can hurt us unless we internalize it).
Eleanor Roosevelt said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” No one can make you unhappy if you are happy; no one can dash your hopes when you are brimming with hope; no one can slash your vital vein of positivity with negativity–it’s all within our hands, minds, spirits.
Then again: “It’s great to have a strategy until you get hit in the head.” Wisdom brought to you by Mike Tyson and it is absolutely true. Do the best you can when meanness skulks and sulks around and kicks up its fits and foolishness.
Thanks Albert for your honesty and good vibrations.
If you ever need a guest blogger, I would consider it an honor to rhapsodize zen-like on such a cool blog-site.
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