The elusive key to Emotional mastery, Part 4: The danger of positive thinking!
This is Part 4 of a series on mastering your emotions. Please read Part One, Part Two and Part Three first.
Before we continue …let me purge some of my own emotions right now…here goes…
ARGGGHH! All these pop self-help books and websites! ARRGHH!!
Why this frustration?
It’s especially dangerous for newcomers, who can’t distinguish between the good, the bad and the ugly. So take it from me - approach all such material with a critical mind. Don’t just follow them blindly, no matter how good they sound. Try them out for a little; decide for yourself if they are good or bad. And yes, that applies to this blog you are on right now, too. I’m definitely not ugly though, unless you see me without my makeup 
.
Why this rant?
My rant applies to happiness and emotional mastery material in particular. A lot of the stuff out there is ineffective at best, dangerous at worst. Sometimes they only work at certain stages of your growth or healing. Here’s a list of the major offenders I’ve come across, and I’m sure there’s more that I’ve missed:
- Switch your negative thoughts to positive ones
- Interrupt your thought patterns
- Visualise a happy place / situation
- Change your physiology (body posture) to change your emotions
- Anchoring
- Forgiveness
- Love the offenders and the pain unconditionally
Now, I’m not saying that these are bad or wrong. But they are not a catch-all cure. Used at the right time for the right ailment, they are fantastic. But for emotional purposes they don’t work.
The ones that do are, at best, temporary solutions. I started my journey with this material, believed in them fully, and therefore got stuck in my negativity for too damn long. Some of these techniques made me feel good for a period of time, but negativity soon set back in. I hadn’t rid myself of them; I had merely denied them.
For simplicity’s sake, we’ll just call them all positive thinking from this point onwards.
Introduction to positive and negative thinking
Let’s begin with a description of positive thinking. At its most basic, it means self-talk. How do you talk to yourself? Do you even know you talk to yourself? Do you catch yourself with negative thoughts or do you just take them for granted?
If you are about to go into an interview, for example, negative self-talk would be telling yourself “Oh my god, I’m not going to get the job!” Sometimes you don’t run words through your head – you could easily have images, a mental movie, or even just a general feeling.
Positive self-talk, then, is telling yourself: “They’re going to love me!” It makes you more likely to get the job – for you get what you focus on. Think about success a lot and you will succeed. Think about failure and you will fail. Nothing fancy about that, it’s pure common sense.
So where’s the danger? The danger comes when you force yourself to think positively. Many texts suggest catching and replacing negative self-talk and thoughts with positive versions whenever you can. The problem is: If used at the wrong time, it’s a form of repression and denial.
It is the same with unconditional love, forgiveness, pattern interrupts, thought chaining, positive visualisations, and changing your body posture. You’re pushing the pain away.
Heavy emotional thoughts
This can be bad for you on two levels. Let’s discuss the emotional first. We’ve discussed denial and repression in detail throughout this entire series. Can you see that this is the same thing – except now it’s “endorsed” by several authors?
Let’s explore deeper. A negative thought that carries emotions is heavy. Imagine that your mind is a room. The door is closed, and on the other side is the raging river of your negative emotions and thoughts. Denying it with unconditional love or positive thinking or forgiveness is like being in the room, pushing hard against the door so the water doesn’t force it open with its sheer weight.
What do you think would happen? That’s right - even if you are strong enough to hold the door shut, water will still seep through the edges of the door. What about the windows? What about the air vents? Even at your best, you’re expanding energy on an uphill battle. This is why many people feel tired for no obvious reason – they’re expanding mental energy 24 hours a day to hold the door shut.
And have you noticed that stressful and unhappy situations bring back all the old pains? When you are stressed or unhappy, even about an unrelated matter, you are mentally weak. Your muscles no longer have the strength to push against the door, and it crashes open, bringing back all the unhappiness.
On the other hand, once you’ve purged the emotions, these negative thoughts no longer carry any weight. The river has died down to nothing. Strictly speaking, they’re no longer negative thoughts but rather just a habit, conditioned by your past.
When do you love, forgive, and think well?
So when should we use positive thinking, when should we forgive, or love unconditionally? Only when your negative thoughts no longer carry an emotional charge, and only after you’ve reaped the practical benefits.
Here’s another metaphor. Compare your emotional wounds to physical wounds, and negative thoughts to salt. You probably know what these thoughts are: Memories of ex-lovers, past arguments, and the like. Each time you replay these memories, you’re pouring salt on your wounds. If you have an emotional reaction, no matter how slight, your wounds are open. You know your wounds have healed when you can replay those memories and not feel a thing - it’s like pouring salt over unbroken skin.
That is when you begin using all the other techniques to simply break the bad habit of thinking negatively. I’ve found that once they carry no charge, it’s simply a matter of catching yourself doing it, and deciding to stop. It’s so easy without any weight behind them. No need for any fancy techniques, although you can research them if you want.
Note that these wounds sometimes reopen. If that happens, all you have to do is go through the same process and clean them again.
The practical level
That’s the emotional level. Now let’s discuss the other level – the practical. Let’s say you get into an argument with a workmate over a project that you’re both working on. She made some mistakes, and you did too. You’re feeling bad about the argument as you drive home.
You decide to stop the unhappiness by telling yourself to stop thinking about it. You clear your mind; maybe you try to think about something else. Or you tell yourself to love her unconditionally.
What do you learn from it? Nothing. You don’t see the mistakes you’ve made, you don’t learn from them, and so you’ll make them again. I’m not saying you have to mull over them, or replay it again and again, but we have to apply the same basic principles – accept and acknowledge.
Feel the unhappiness; think about it for a bit. What can you learn? Why did it all happen? Is there anything you can do to make up for it, or to ensure that it doesn’t happen again?
Let’s take another example – anxiety, perhaps. Don’t be too hasty to get rid of it. A percentage of your anxiety might be logical and actually good for you. How much? Acknowledge your anxiety, investigate it, and find out.
If you are anxious for the future of your business, for example, 50% of that might be logical – you know that your marketing campaign isn’t up to scratch. Pushing your anxious thoughts away might have stopped you from fixing that. On the other hand, the other 50% of your anxiety might be irrational. That would be a wound that you have to accept and purge. And then, once you’ve done all you can, that is when you begin boosting your confidence with positive self-talk and affirmations.
Makes sense? Let’s move on.
Working your way down
Now, many people think that accepting and purging your emotions only apply to the big ones like rage and depression. Let’s work our way down, for it applies to the smaller ones too. Let’s expand on that anxiousness and doubt example.
I occasionally doubt whether I can achieve some of my goals in life. Right now, the two biggest are: Developing UrbanMonk.Net into an authority site, and achieving a PhD in Psychology. Now, these little doubts are normal. Contrary to popular belief, confidence is not being immune to doubt. (Such people are not confident, they’re emotionless zombies .) Instead, confidence refers to how fast you recover from damage to your confidence.
Now, recently I took a major blow to my confidence. A friend rang me to talk about my blog. She asked if it was a good idea.
“There were 70 million blogs out there,” she said, “and only a few ever succeed - people like Steve Pavlina are one in ten million.”
“What are your chances of reaching his level?” She asked. “Do you think you can juggle working, blogging, and still get your PhD?”
That conversation hit me hard, although she meant well. I felt down the entire afternoon. It was then I realised that this was also an emotion, and that I had to accept and investigate it. I sat quietly on my couch, feeling the doubt and insecurity completely. Most of this doubt was emotional, and they passed once I spent some time accepting them. However, a small percentage of it was logical – I had been neglecting my marketing efforts. (I hate marketing, I just want to write!)
It reminded me to step up my marketing efforts – I had set myself a certain quota of marketing tasks per week and I haven’t met them for a while. This blow to my confidence actually helped push me to return to my marketing. If I had simply pushed my doubts out of the way with positive thinking, they would have still been in me, and my marketing would probably still be weak.
Down to Nothing
So: We’ve covered the big emotions. We’ve moved down to the smaller ones. Let’s keep at it. What’s next?
Damn straight. What’s next is full, complete, emotional mastery. Stay tuned for that one, coming right up!
Link love
Before I leave you, I’d like to give a shout out to some new friends I’ve made in my blogging adventure. First off is Eric Grey of Deepest Health. His site, while new, is fantastic reading on the topic of Classical Chinese Medicine. So if you want to move out of UrbanMonk.Net’s inner world, and into your physical health, have a look. He also has categories on Confucianism and Character – I’m hanging out to read them once he fills them up.
Secondly I would like to give some link love to Grayson of Modern Worker. His blog, also new, covers Personal Development in a different area – mostly productivity, technology, and work, similar in spirit to the Life Hack sites out there. So if that is something you think you need, step over to his blog and have a look.
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29 Comments, Comment or Ping
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
I wholeheartedly agree with this article. I come from a background with family alcoholism and incest. For many years, people tried to push me into doing forgiveness work. I wasn’t really. I was still way to angry to even understand what forgiveness meant. I now know that forgiveness, like anger, comes in layers. The final forgiveness comes after the anger is completely gone.
Don’t let someone else’s misgivings or doubts cause you to ever stop writing. That person may be trying to help or they just may be jealous of your success.
It is a good practice to look at the criticism that others offer. Sometimes, it is correct and helps you make necessary changes. Sometimes, it isn’t. For myself, I look at the criticism and ask is it about me or is it about the other person. If it is mine, I own it and make the changes or not. Keep up the great work that you are doing through your blog. Others are benefitting.
Jul 15th, 2007
Albert
Thanks for the support Patricia. Agreed totally, and I’m happy that you’ve found the courage to do some internal work. I think such work is the most scary of all, and I have deep respect for anyone who undertakes it.
At the same time, I’m getting a bit tired of writing about myself and my own obstacles and how I overcame them. I use them because they are good examples and demonstrate that I’ve used them to good effect (and not just some fluff that I just repeat from someone else). I’m also worried that people will get sick of reading about me
. What do you think? I might pose this as an “official” question in an upcoming blog post.
Jul 15th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Thank you. I believe that the best way to help others is through sharing what we learned through our own experiences. What I can’t stand it listening to someone tell me what is best for me when they have no idea what they are talking about. Empty words don’t do a thing for me. Example, the skinny girl in the leotard who has never had a weight problem trying to tell someone that all it takes is will power to lose weight. I feel your sincerity. You know what you are writing about works because it worked for you. I hope that is what I am accomplishing with my blog. I don’t write to wallow. By your words, you give someone else hope that they can do it also.
If you are tired of doing what you are doing, find a new way to do it, something that gives you joy in the giving. Just don’t stop giving. You aren’t boring anyone. If you were, no one would be reading your blog. Look at where your discouragement is coming from? Is it yours? If it is, what needs changing? Hope this helps. It is just my opinion.
Jul 15th, 2007
Albert
You’re welcome
. Yes I know how you feel, hopefully I don’t come across as wallowing as well, great way to put it.
Oh no, don’t get me wrong. I love blogging and what I’m doing. I’m just refering to using myself as an example, as opposed to an imaginary man or woman (like I do sometimes). Like, if people read all my articles, they’ll know a lot about me and my past, and I was worried that it might turn some of them off. So I was wondering if I should use an imaginary person for my future articles. I normally try to focus on the reader, using the word “you”.
Jul 15th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Ask others. For my input, I think personal is better than imaginary but again, that is just my opinion. I wouldn’t keep coming back to read and to comment if I didn’t think you were doing a great job.
Jul 15th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Look at why you are questioning yourself or your style. Where are the doubts coming from?
Jul 15th, 2007
Albert
Thanks Patricia. I’m on your blog right now. Your sincerity and honesty really shines through in your words as well - fantastic stuff.
Jul 15th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Thanks, now you have made my day.
Jul 15th, 2007
Albert
Heh heh, you’re welcome. It’s not doubt on my end, exactly, more reader research. Thanks for your input.
Jul 15th, 2007
Sean
Another great article, Albert!
Jul 17th, 2007
Eric Grey
Hey there! Thanks for the link love. I’m going to be filling up those Character categories soon. It’s one of my obsessions!
Eric
Jul 17th, 2007
Albert
@ Sean: Thanks again, mate! I’ve got 2-3 more in this series, then a couple related ones, before I move out of emotional mastery (I think I’ve exhausted it), and I’m thinking of either starting a self esteem series or a mental mastery series. Stay tuned!
@ Eric: You’re welcome
. Can’t wait to read it.
Jul 17th, 2007
Quint
I just discovered your site and read your 4 part series on emotional mastery. I found this final article interesting because I recently began working on an article related to the problems caused by emotional repression.
I agree with you on the problems caused by repressing emotions. We have to deal with the wounds and bring real healing. Positive thinking will never fix a broken leg, no matter how much affirmation and visualization you practice. On the flip side, sometimes focusing on negative emotions causes us to seize up and prevents us from taking actions that would deal with the situation. For example, say you realized that you needed to do a better job of marketing, but instead of reacting positively and making the changes, you freaked out, got angry with yourself, let fear and insecurity keep you from making those changes. You have now created a self fulfilling prophecy that will probably lead you to failure. You won’t have the emotional energy to do the work because negative emotions have washed it all away.
The method you describe in this article for dealing with the underlying pain is wonderful. I can attest from personal experience that this is the only real way of resolving the emotional hurts we carry. I think it also takes a high level of self-awareness and maturity to make it happen, though. The other tools, while not quite perfect, can be helpful along the way.
(sorry for the long post - I have a little passion for this subject)
Jul 25th, 2007
Albert
Hello Quint,
No problems, I love hearing more from my readers. Definitely, I’m starting to realise that another article in the series is needed here, some people might focus too much on the negativity. I think there will be two final steps, that I am testing for myself. Love and let go.
I thought that letting go will come naturally once it’s been fully felt, but from emails I have received, it might not be obvious that you have to let it go. I would love to read your article once it is up, do you have an URL for your blog?
Cheers!
Jul 25th, 2007
Quint
Thanks for taking the time to reply to my comment.
My blog is currently under development. I am trying to get 4-5 posts up before taking it live, and I still have to tweak the template a little. I hope to post my first 2 articles tonight. It is http://www.winyourmind.com/blog.
I would love to hear what you think when I have a couple of articles up. This is my first shot at blogging, and feedback is always welcome.
I didn’t mean for this to become a blog advert, but thanks for asking about my new adventure.
Jul 26th, 2007
Albert
No worries Quint, I’ll have a look when I wake up (its nearly 2am here), and your blog is empty at the moment!
Jul 26th, 2007
Winter
Greetings, I wanted to thank you for writing this post. I am working on what would most accurately be labeled a ’self’help’ blog that will accompany my Life Coaching business and program. This is a topic I have been struggling with. Where is the line between acknowledging and complaining, between being constructively and destructively negative in thought…I feel that your blog was very helpful in answering some of these inner struggles, and I thank you! I suppose sometimes I just feel that since suffering is a choice..I should be able to just let it go..I should be able to just STOP suffering- and I can. But then, is that denial, or is it sincere letting go? I suppose that is the journey I am on right now, I think I will go over some of your old posts since I am a new reader and see what you have to say on it. Thank you! Namaste, Winter
Aug 6th, 2007
Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker
Winter, choosing to be happy over choosing to suffer, to me, is not denial. Some would say that they are the opposite sides of the same coin. Choosing to just “be” is the choice I want to make. When we give up suffering and then go back into it is when we are at the point of Let Go and Let God again. We let go. Then we take back the issue, the suffering. Then we let go. Then we it back. I have difficulty leaving it in the Let God stage. Ego thinks it can fix everything. Have a glorious day.
Aug 6th, 2007
Sweeter by the D.
Thank You Very Much! I linked to your blog from my daily visitors log @ Windows Live Spaces. What a wonderful treat for me! I enjoyed this post of yours very much. I have never heard someone paradoxically agree and disagree with the use of positive affirmations with such eloquence and simplicity! Bravo!!! Hopefully this thinking will catch on!
I really needed to hear this summed up for me in a clear language because I have struggled with a lot of the so called “rules” of positive affirmations from most writers about them which I have encountered.
I have been using affirmations with great success for sometime. I have been able to (near-)completely rid myself anxieties, and not only that but I have also banished suicidal despair as well. But I have not achieved this by being always only positive. One of the most important things I have done in the course of my recovery is release suppressed negative emotion from many years experiences of mental, emotional, and spiritual abuse. Another part of my healing has been to take a hard cold look at some very ugly and discomforting common realities about both myself as well as cherished or [so called] ‘idolized’ others in my life in order to continue to make progress and not regress from the gains I had made. It has been very difficult at times, but I am not losing my positive gains. I find I am able to quiet my mind when I choose, I can reverse the onset of most negative mental and emotional states almost instantly without much effort, and I have been rid of suicidal thought/emotions for about 6 or seven years now, which plagued me for many more years than that before this ‘cure.’
And I did all this ‘on my own’ with affirmations, and what is even better is I’ve been really slacking off lately and not putting any effort into ‘doing affirmations’ for well over a year, maybe two now. I created most of the affirmations I use myself, and I have struggled with projection from others about how my affirmations are not always absolutely positive.
My affirmations work for me because they make sense, they deal with a particular problem, and they are realistic - taking into account both life out there & what I myself cannot change, as well as my own personal limitations as a human being. (In spite of this apparent language my affirmations are extremely positive and empowering. As knowing you are not all knowing allows you to be open to discovering new and better things continuously….) I also use positive affirmations about negative things with totally positive ones sandwiched in-between them, that way I can deal with negatives positively and regenerate myself from the way it can sometimes bring on a negative state by affirming it in any sense. That way I deal with reality without letting any negative stimulus overwhelm me - this has, for me, led to becoming ‘desensitized’ to the mention or thinking of remembrances, old upsets, etc., as in your illustration. (For example; I may affirm that “I release and dissolve any tendency toward self-destructiveness.” and then I will affirm “I love and accept myself in this perfect moment.” Etc. ‘They say;’ “you just affirmed the presence of that you don’t want, ’self-destructiveness’” but this is an accurate term for a phenomena in my life which sabotages my health, and happiness not to mention my ability to accomplish and succeed. I realize this is something I personally struggle with and I let go of it, but naming it does create a state, I find that the counter-balancing totally positive statement helps me regenerate my present mental and emotional state. This method has been especially helpful for me in dealing with the LETTING GO of the most negative things; the painful past, habits, old mistakes and failures, projections from others, illusory idealizations, and things like that which are naturally difficult to look at in oneself, as well as things that are just in the world. Even when I find myself becoming upset about something that was or might be, I think “All that ever really matters is this perfect present moment.” and I started doing this because I got this process into my own head. That actually means something to me; “this perfect present moment.” and what it means to me helps me to transform that state instantly.
It has been a most wonderful experience for me to find positive affirmations as my thinking was way too self-critical and negative in my life from a very early age, and it actually really saved my life. It has affected me in many wonderful ways. It also helped me to help someone else which I think is the greatest reward from something that works.
Good Luck to you here amongst the blogs, getting people to visit your page with appreciation for your great depth and wise insight! I look forward to reading more of your posts with great interest and plan to recommend this article to a certain someone who I think would also enjoy it and who I know really needs to hear these things so well presented. (Thank You. God Blessings to You, Be Ever Blessed and Well.)
Is this comment too long? I appreciate your time and attention, thank you for reading this comment.
Aug 6th, 2007
Albert
Heya everyone! Thanks for commenting, and you’re very welcome!
@Winter: Hmm…I’ve never had much success in simply letting go, I find that it simply comes back in a while. Others have, from the stories I’ve heard. One thing I can suggest (I think I covered it in the final Emotion post - it’s all a blur to me now
), is to to embrace the suffering. Like - “I am queasy and sad. That’s what I want to be. I accept that I am sad, I want to be sad. I don’t want anything else BUT to be sad.” And after a while, it becomes peace. But be careful you’re not saying “come on, come on, turn into peace already!” Make it genuine acceptance. Of course this is for internal suffering only, external pains still require action to get out of it.
The other option, which I use for deeper pains is the completely feeling (same principle, just going deeper) that I described in the first emotional mastery post of the series. That clears out like 70-80%. The rest I fix with a loving meditation, as described in the final post of the series.
@ Patricia: Hello again!
@ Sweeter by the D.: Thanks for signing up as a user of the site, it’s a great compliment.
No, I don’t mind long comments at all. It appears you are using affirmations in a slightly different way than what I tried, so if it works for you, go for it! I’ve never tried it that way before. And cheers for all the kind comments and recommendations to your friends.
Aug 6th, 2007
Nneka | Spirituality Blog
Hi Albert, you’re walking the line for sure. I grew up with positive thinking, but within and entire theology. You can’t have just that leg in the whole deal and telling folks to just switch is doing a mild disservice at best.
That said, I find that there’s nothing in my life to be all sulky about. When I’m going through a tough time, I rely on my network of friends and do a lot on introspection.
I’m coming to see that you have to be at a certain point in evolution to use all this stuff wisely. I took it for granted that everyone was there, but it’s not the case. I talk about positive thinking a lot on my blog, but I don’t talk about the other stuff that I do with it. My recent article was just a start to do that so it’s a robust idea, not just more dogma.
I really do walk around happy 99% of the time. Even with separation, impending divorce, and financial issues, I love my life and I’m not in denial about any of it, but I realize now that that is a unique position that take a lot of spiritual practice.
Didn’t mean to say so much
Cheers,
Nneka
Dec 3rd, 2007
Albert
Heh, Nneka. Sorry if I offended you, but I do stand by it. Positive thinking is fine, I believe in a few situations - when your emotions are above the “zero point”, or the things that disturb you are relatively minor.
For deeper pains, in my experience it has been repression. I tried positive thinking with all my might for many months. And for a period of time I was happy 99% of the time as well. But things got triggered again, after a while. And I realised to my shock that everything was still there inside me.
Perhaps it needs to be used in conjunction with something else. I really have no clue. I’m finding that my thoughts are naturally more positive, and my monkey mind is quieter, simply by dealing with things on an emotional level.
Thanks for the comment, I love to hear different perspectives.
Dec 3rd, 2007
Nneka | Spirituality Blog
Hi Albert, oh, you didn’t offend me at all. Didn’t mean to imply that you had.
In fact I think you are right on. I absolutely think you need to do positive thinking in conjunction with a lot else. In my case, it is a part of my belief system. I believe that I am divinely guided to all that is in my life, that I’m not given anything that I can’t handle, that the Universe and everything in it is basically good, that “negative” thoughts/feelings are an indication that I am out of alignment with who I am, that figuring out the reason for the thought gets me clear while beating myself up because of it doesn’t.
There’s no point in covering up “negative” (and I use the word loosely) thoughts because they just tell us what’s on our minds. For example, the fact that I was infuriated most of the time in my marriage told me that something is just completely off. Turned out I wasn’t being me and I was angry because I was pretending (that’s part of it anyway). Once I started being myself the anger went away, but I got clear that staying there was not the best thing for either of us.
It’s really difficult to explain in written words. Positive thinking is a lot more than just that.
Sorry to jabber on again
Hey, maybe we could do a conversation about it as a post or series across both blogs. What do you think?
Dec 4th, 2007
Albert
Hey there, I’m thinking your system of positive thinking is way deeper and more powerful than the systems I have been exposed to - I was more referring the the popular systems.
Yes I would love to have a blog conversation. It’s a good way to expose my readers to the wisdom you have, and get some traffic exchanging from both blogs.
Drop me an email, if you want?
Dec 4th, 2007
Vertigo Guy
Rather than thinking positively all the time, I think it’s more important to think realistically. Overly negative thinking is most damaging because it causes you to think unrealistic, negative thoughts about everything — if you can just be real about things, you’re usually better off.
Jul 6th, 2008
Albert
Definitely, that is something I’ve been experimenting with. Try the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy post for more of my results on this:
http://www.urbanmonk.net/277/k.....l-therapy/
Jul 8th, 2008
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