Soledad - El comienzo del romance
Cuando estamos en lo más profundo de nuestra soledad, lo que nos consuela - lo que podría llevarnos lejos de ella? ¿Cuál es, en verdad? Muy a menudo, se siente como que no hay consuelo; como lo son el funcionamiento de nuestra propia sombra. Y es verdad, en cierto modo. No hay escape de la soledad. Siempre estamos solos. Pero hay una manera de salir de la soledad.
Todos nuestros esfuerzos en escapar de la soledad vicio no subsanable, ya que no entienden la naturaleza de lo que estamos huyendo. Hay algo hermoso en tu soledad. Y cuando uno ve que, cuando lo reconocen, aprender a gozar de ella, que es cuando cambia algo dentro de ti. Cuando tu soledad se convierte en soledad - que es la libertad! Eso es cuando realmente puede empezar a Amor !
La fragmentación y la búsqueda de la plenitud
Como Osho dijo una vez - lo primero es reconocer la soledad. Soledad es nuestra verdadera naturaleza, no podemos, jamás, no estar solo. Venimos a este mundo solo, dejamos al mundo en solitario. Y entre estos dos, estamos solos - pero frenéticamente esconderse de ella, huir de ello, pretender que no es cierto.
Recuerdo que el análisis de una prueba de estilo de apego en una clase de psicología una vez. Su objetivo era descubrir cómo estamos seguros en nuestras relaciones. Una de las preguntas era: "¿Alguna vez sientes que quieres que se confunden por completo con otro?"
La sala estalló en una explosión torpe, vacilante de la risa en esta cuestión. ¡Qué absurdo! - Que parecía estar diciendo. Pero me quedé callado. Un viejo recuerdo me llamó la atención, y recordé la sensación de que la misma profundidad de la soledad, una vez, hace mucho tiempo. O tal vez nunca realmente me dejó - una alienación tan profundo que la única salida realmente parecía ser de fusión con otra persona.
Sensación de corte en el medio de una multitud la hora de comer, sentirse solo cuando caricias con una amiga, siempre afuera mirando hacia adentro en la vida. Recuerdo mirando a su alrededor a mis compañeros. La mirada en sus rostros - parece como muchos pensaban lo mismo.
Esta alienación es el dilema universal de la existencia humana - nunca a gusto, nunca en casa. Se maneja casi todo lo que hacemos. La soledad y la separación es un permanente parte intrínseca de nuestro ego .
En las enseñanzas de la no-dualidad, el núcleo de muchas religiones y filosofías, el mensaje es simple - todos somos parte del infinito, omnipresente, eterno Una Vida. Todos estamos profundamente interconectados y son inseparables.
El ego, entonces, es la ilusión universal, el exagerado sentimiento de "yo", y la raíz de todos nuestros soledad. Por el momento nos vemos en la "I", que es el momento, hemos creado el "no-yo", el otro, todo lo demás. Nos convertimos en un fragmento, aislada del resto de la existencia. Nos convertimos en un punto en este mundo, olvidado por Dios.
Este sentido de la fragmentación, para algunos - tal vez los que no podía reír en la sala de conferencias - es consciente. Se muestra como un sentido profundo y constante de no ser todo, de no ser suficiente.
Para otros, los que se reían de la prueba, este sentido es inconsciente. Les falta algo, pero no saben lo que es. Y por lo que buscan, y se esfuerzan y luchan, pero todo el tiempo sin saber qué es lo que están tratando de llenar. Más pertenencias, más sexo, más estatus, más poder, más reconocimiento, más, más, más. Casi todos sus esfuerzos se derivan de esta unidad para la auto-realización. Pero todo es inútil - estamos lanzando nuestras energías hacia abajo un pozo sin fondo. Eso estamos tratando de cumplir es precisamente lo que está causando nuestra falta.
Romance - nuevo alcohol
El romance es quizás el más común de encubrimiento por el sentido de la fragmentación. Si se siente solo, debe tener sentido de que necesitamos una persona especial! Lógico y frío, como una transacción comercial. Un novio, una novia, una amante, alguien, nadie! Los hemos reducido a una simple tapadera para nuestros dolores - no es diferente del uso indebido de alcohol, el ruido de nuestra televisión, o matando el tiempo en el teléfono hasta que luego se estar con alguien - como si tuviéramos mucho tiempo para matar !
El sexo es lo más cercano que podemos llegar a la unidad a nivel físico, y es por eso que es tan profundamente satisfactorio. Y cuando nos asomamos más profundamente en nuestro corazón, la fragmentación se muestra como una necesidad de adjuntar, para aferrarse, para fundir y se fusionan para. ¿Cuántas personas están conscientes de esta carencia? ¿Qué tan común es este sentido primordial de la alienación? Comunes suficientes para demostrar en una prueba psicológica estandarizada.
Y, entonces, buscar a alguien para llevar esa sensación. Cuando estamos con alguien, podemos tener nuestra mente de que el sentido de fondo de falta de armonía. De repente, nuestra existencia parece tener sentido. "Yo no soy el único!" Usted exclamar, como abrazo, un abrazo y un beso. "Tengo a alguien que me necesite, que me quiere! Soy hermoso, me quería, yo soy digno! Ya no estoy solo! "
Y, sin embargo, un mero encubrimiento es todo lo que alguna vez será. Incluso cuando estamos con nuestros seres queridos, todavía estamos como estamos - solo.
Hace unas semanas, estaba viendo un documental sobre el "host" subcultura, en los distritos discoteca de un país rico. Se giró en torno a jóvenes apuestos - vestida llamativamente, altamente capacitados en la seducción, la atención a la sala de estar en los bares especiales. Ellos acogen a multitud de mujeres - a menudo jóvenes, bonitas, y los ricos - que pagan por su compañía, sus caricias y sus halagos inactivo.
La película se centró especialmente en la mejor acogida en la ciudad - un hombre encantador que era dueño de su propio bar. Vivía el sueño. Su habilidad con las mujeres puesto hombres palidecen en comparación. Se robó las mujeres fuera de sus maridos y novios. Las mujeres se peleaban por él, a veces físicamente, a veces con dinero, y él va a casa con uno diferente cada noche. Parecía que sería el último hombre en la Tierra a sentirse alienados.
Cerca del final del documental, recuerdo que el entrevistador le preguntó si era todo vale la pena. Él baja la cabeza y suspira. "Todo era diversión para los primeros años. Pero después de un tiempo ... No sé. No importa ya. Yo soy el hombre más solo del mundo ".
La belleza de la soledad y la tristeza de la soledad
Si el romance y el sexo, si la oferta de dinero y la fama y el reconocimiento de ningún alivio, ¿qué se hace? Cuando usted está en la agonía de la angustia y la soledad, ¿para qué son las enseñanzas sobre la unidad y otras cosas-la existencia? A menos que usted puede experimentar lo que ellos hacen referencia a - ¿cómo te consuelo?
palabras bonitas para llenar tu cabeza, y luego de cerrar el libro y pase a buscar a su cama, y lo encuentro tan frío y solitario como lo era antes. Si no podemos nunca estar solo, ¿entonces qué? Todo lo que puedo ofrecer es un cambio de perspectiva.
Otra cita de Osho, entonces: soledad es hermosa, es grande. La soledad es dolorosa, es la desesperación.
En la superficie, se ven igual. Pero en realidad, son dos mundos aparte.
Soledad es nuestra naturaleza. La soledad nos está escapando de ella.
Usted es el único. ¿Por qué convertirlo en un problema? Relájese en su soledad; en su tristeza. No huyas de su soledad, porque siempre está ahí. Celebrar la soledad, el deleite en ti mismo, la danza en su soledad. Si no puede, entonces usted será siempre huyendo. amas a ti mismo . Es la única manera.
Simplemente sentarse y estar solo. No pensar en ello. Sólo tienes que sentir . Relájese en ella, y luego verás que tu tristeza tiene su propia santidad. Estar solo es la oportunidad perfecta para que usted pueda profundizar más en ti mismo. Ver todas sus sutilezas, la cara de frente a ti mismo, y la mirada en todas las partes que no te quiere. Trae todo para arriba en la luz de tu conciencia, y aceptarlas, los aman.
Nos vamos a la ciudad, en la oficina, en las discotecas, a contar desde nuestra soledad. Los maestros, los gurús, los maestros Zen - van a las montañas para que puedan conocer un poco de ella.
¿Y qué? Entonces, ¿qué? Una vez que se deleite en ti mismo, entonces - y sólo entonces - puede que realmente gozo en el otro. Es una paradoja, una de las más grandes del mundo. Sólo cuando ya no necesita un amante, que es cuando usted puede encontrar el amor. Todo lo demás es una farsa, una pálida imitación.
Para ser necesario y ser amado
Una farsa. Eso es lo que todo el juego del romance. ¿Quién es nuestro "romance" en realidad? Nosotros, y nosotros únicamente. Decimos - Te quiero. Pero lo que realmente quieren decir es - Por favor, ámame. La manipulación es más que eso.
Manipulación para llenar nuestros vacíos, por lo que puede sentirse amado, sentirse necesario. De hecho, hemos llegado a confundir las dos palabras - que sea necesario, para nosotros, es lo mismo que estar en el amor!
Un amigo mío se quejaba conmigo de algo muy extraño. Su marido había empezado a descubrir las alegrías de la soledad. Se había convertido en la meditación, más contenido y alegre en voz baja. Él amó y se echó a reír cuando estaba con ella, pero también comenzaba a disfrutar de su tiempo a solas. Estaba empezando a ver que no había nada falta, que ya no la necesitaba para sentirse completa.
Y empezó a ir loco. Ella se preocupó; sus sospechas comenzaron su abrumadora. ¿Por qué está tan contento, tan feliz? ¿Qué estaba haciendo en su paseos solitarios por el parque? ¿Hay otra mujer? Ella lo siguió, pero no hizo nada malo - que acaba de entrar. Ella lo espiaba cuando estaba solo en el estudio, pero no hizo nada malo allí tampoco - que estaba meditando, leyendo, rezando. No hay amor prohibido, sin fetiche extraño.
"¿Por qué?" Se lamentó. "¿Qué está pasando?" ¿Por qué se molesta? Eso sería una pregunta mejor. Ya no la necesitaba, ya ella se sentía como el desamor. Pero no fue - de hecho, estaba cayendo en el amor por primera vez.
Necesidad es tan común que creemos que es un signo del amor romántico. Pero necesidad es simplemente que - necesidad. Y esta necesidad no se cumplirá, porque nadie - no importa cuán dulce, hermoso, hermoso, suave, extravagante, y atento - nunca puede amar a su ego la forma en que quiere ser amado.
A lo sumo, que será satisfecho por un período de tiempo - la luna de miel "fase", cuando están "en" el amor, cuando todo parece perfecto y hermoso. Su existencia parece tener un significado, para que alguien te necesita y te ama.
Hasta que un día sus necesidades e inseguridades - todos los síntomas del sentido básico y primordial de la fragmentación - levantar la cabeza otra vez. O tal vez apenas se parece de esa manera - que siempre había estado allí, simplemente se olvidó de ellos por un tiempo. Y fue entonces cuando los argumentos de inicio, por que pensamos que es culpa de la otra persona.
"Se suponía que me hace feliz!" Llorar. Y la dulzura, las sonrisas y los besos comienzan a oscilar hacia otro lado. Llegamos a ser triste, que los atacan por no nos hace felices, nos manipularlos a darnos más. Tal vez se cede, y el péndulo oscila de nuevo en dulzura. Tal vez no lo hacen, y se rompen en llanto y la ira. Esto incluso parece normal.
Pero no es culpa de ellos. Nadie puede quitarnos nuestro sentido primordial de la separación, excepto nosotros. Pero no sabemos que, por lo que salgan a la queja y moviendo los hilos. Olvidamos que la única manera de estar satisfecho es estar satisfecho en sí mismo.
Las personas solitarias no puede amar, sino que sólo puede pretender, porque ellos no tienen nada que dar. Ellos sólo dan un amor de plástico, con la esperanza de que alguien va a dar amor a cambio real. Todo se convierte en un juego gigante, una partida de ajedrez.
Pero cuando usted ya no tendrá que ser necesaria, cuando realmente dejar de querer ser deseado, que es cuando cambia su soledad en soledad. Y empiezas a ver el amor.
Dedicado a todos aquellos que estén o hayan estado solo y alienado.
Los malentendidos
Este artículo es quizás el artículo más incomprendido que he escrito, y lo que me gustaría aclarar algunos malentendidos frecuentes aquí:
- La soledad - que es independiente de la soledad, dos cosas diferentes. Nuestra naturaleza física es estar solo. No podemos, no estar solo. Incluso si tiene relaciones sexuales, que son todavía relativamente separadas físicamente. Pero eso no es un problema, sólo causa dolor cuando nos encontramos lejos de ella. Cuando se corre de nuestra naturaleza, que causa dolores de nuestra propia soledad ... pero cuando nos reconocer y asumir nuestra naturaleza, nos encontramos con la belleza de la soledad.
- Y de la soledad, que es el comienzo del verdadero romance. No estoy diciendo a todo el mundo finge amor - Estoy diciendo que la gente solitaria hacer, porque no pueden amar si necesitan. El amor es lo contrario de la necesidad. Una vez que usted deje de necesitar, que es cuando usted puede encontrar el amor. Hay muchos que lo hacen verdaderamente ama, hay muchos que no esperan nada a cambio - pero esas son las almas que han encontrado la soledad.
- Una vez que haya dejado de ser necesitados, que es lo que he llamado la soledad, que es cuando realmente se puede salir al mundo y encontrar un buen romance y las relaciones. De lo contrario, es probable que sea necesidad, el apego - y no el verdadero amor. Eso es todo lo que estoy diciendo, he dicho que muchas veces durante el post - que el verdadero amor no puede venir de la soledad. No estoy diciendo que todos debemos estar solo para siempre, aunque definitivamente hay nada malo en ello.
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241 Comentarios
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wow albert.
wow - hay un clavo en algún lugar whos cabeza está sonando.
verdadera perspectiva de lo evidentemente cierto una vez que lo leí, pero muestra que está escrito
y de nuevo wow!
Muchas gracias de cd y Juan, ahora me tengo que dejar de llegar a mi cabeza je je, je. Sólo bromeando.
WOW ... Te has superado. Brillante por escrito.
No sólo por el contenido, pero el estilo y elocuencia pura.
Yo digo, 'dejar entrar a la cabeza ». Usted se merece para celebrar.
Toca un acorde, que ha abordado un tema muy común y wrenchig corazón de la soledad y el amor.
Dios te bendiga con todo amor
de sí mismo, de la Unidad,
del otro que es usted y la belleza en todo, que también es usted.
Mantenga viajero que va. Iluminar y compartir.
Muchas gracias Nur. Usted es un poeta de verdad, eso es un poema fantástico allí. Gracias.
Bueno, ¿qué puedo decir Albert?!
Este es uno de sus mejores artículos y muy bien transmitir.
También me encantó la dedicación al final
Manténgalo mi amigo
Arvind
Hola Albert:
Este es un buen artículo. Me ha sorprendido por algunos años ahora acerca de la diferencia entre la soledad, que para mí, habla de la carencia y la soledad, que (para mí) es muy deseable.
Heya Arvind y Galba, muchas gracias
. Fue inspirado por algunas experiencias que he tenido durante las últimas semanas, contento de ver que tengo algo bueno de ella je.
Elocuente y perspicaz, escrito que sale y toca a ti, hermosa.
Muchas gracias Ben, contento de que te haya gustado, de verdad.
Hermoso y profundo, y muy oportuna.
Gracias Miel. Me alegro de ver a su alrededor
.
Uno mis mayores logros de este año se está enamorando de mí mismo y ser yo mismo. La vida nunca será igual otra vez! Gracias por el recordatorio. Es muy bien escrito.
Amor y Gratitud,
Tina
Piensa simple. Ser decisiva.
Gracias Tina, y grande de conocerlo - vamos a mover la conversación por correo electrónico, sí?
"El romance es quizás el más común de encubrimiento por el sentido de la fragmentación." - No es posible estar más de acuerdo!
Gracias Adventures en Hosting!
sus sonidos fáciles de escribir, pero yo supongo que Nees mucha observación y discernimiento y reflexión para elaborar este artículo.
buen trabajo .. mantener el buen trabajo!
Usted ha hecho de nuevo. Usted ha escrito un artículo muy bueno. En 1993, hice una pintura al óleo (no tengo la formación en la pintura en absoluto.) De lo que yo pensaba que era el vacío, la soledad, el agujero en mi media que se sentía tan vacío. Luego me escribió unas palabras sobre la pintura. Aquí están:
Cuando al principio yo te miraba,
Te he llamado vacío.
Pero ahora que te miro,
Veo que usted está bastante llena.
Dentro de sus paredes de color negro son los colores de rojo y verde.
La mezcla de rojo y negro es la ira y la rabia.
La sombra fea de la verde es para el miedo siempre presente.
Esto fue lo que sintió la soledad como a mí. Lo sentí muy, muy profundamente.
Una vez que aprendí a amarme a mí mismo, ya no me sentía esta soledad. De amor a sí mismo, llega el reconocimiento de la soledad como un gasto de tiempo maravilloso en solitario con uno mismo. ¿Sabes qué? Hoy me encanta lo que soy cuando me paso el tiempo conmigo mismo. Debido a que el tiempo conmigo mismo, yo puedo amar a mi esposo, mis hijos, mis amigos mucho más profundamente que nunca.
Patricia, una vez más a demostrar que la mano de poética que hace que un blog tan irresistible. Y no soy sólo yo decir que, he oído muchos otros dicen exactamente lo mismo también. Gracias por visitar y compartir.
Anime, gracias por el comentario - y disculpas por no contestar antes, su comentario fue a la sección de spam de forma automática.
Wow - lo que es un gran artículo. Esto me ha conmovido mucho, porque me identifico con cada palabra.
Gracias Alex - bueno verte en todo, amigo. Me alegra que te haya gustado
Brillante una vez más mi pequeño Monk.
Debo compartir - después de mi separación matrimonial estaba profundamente herido y enojado ... .... Odiaba a todos, incluyéndome a mí ya los hombres en particular. Durante un período de dos años de oscuridad, me reencontré con mi núcleo, con lo que soy, lo que me gusta, ¿por qué soy, etc El día que me despertó y decidió vivir la vida otra vez fue el día en mi vida realmente comenzó. Comenzó soooo sola, pero me gustó.
Me hice feliz porque elegí la felicidad. Me hice a gusto conmigo mismo y mi propia empresa. Salí solo, comía solo y se reía solo (cuando los niños estaban en su papá). Y entonces maldito, cuando yo no estaba mirando o tenido tiempo para otra persona, me encontré con Pablo.
Mi bondad ... yo pensé que había estado enamorado antes, pero ¿cómo iba a ser amado si yo no me quería en primer lugar.
Sólo ahora sabemos estar juntos porque el puño encontrado y abrazado la soledad. Trae en la soledad que te digo.
M
Gracias por compartir Megan - siempre encanta escuchar estas historias personales. Y un grande también. Es interesante - He estado leyendo algunas otras respuestas a este artículo en otros lugares y muy pocas personas han interpretado mal lo que estoy tratando de decir, así que gracias por la afirmación de que lo he hecho a la derecha
Hola Albert ~
Sólo se acercó desde el Carnaval de la curación a leer sus entradas.
¡Bravo!
Estoy de acuerdo con usted 100%.
Usted comparte lo "verdadero poder" es, y que a veces pone en peligro las creencias de los demás .... Pero eso es una buena cosa!
Gracias por decir esto.
Vuelvo a leer más.
Sea así,
Ron
Ron, muchas gracias por su elogio y el apoyo a lo que digo y hago, se lo agradezco mucho.
Verdaderamente asombroso artículo. He disfrutado leyéndolo casi tanto como me gusta leer revistas y libros de Osho.
Esta parte lo decía todo:
Si la gente pudiera entender esta parte, nadie lloraría por sentirse excluidos, sintiéndose engañados, etc,:
Alrededor de 5 o 6 meses atrás, me sentía sola todo el tiempo, completamente aburrido de esta vida. Pero después de leer el libro "Osho: Un repentino choque de Tormenta", estoy realmente disfrutando de mi soledad.
Uno de mis favoritos Osho cita: "Cuando usted no necesita una persona que lo hace cuando está totalmente hasta usted mismo suficiente, cuando se puede estar solo y feliz tremendamente y extático, entonces el amor es posible." - OSHO
Avinash, muchas gracias por el elogio. Soy un gran fan de Osho, así, y él era un confort durante algunas de las cosas en mi personal, que luego inspiró este artículo. Gracias por venir a
¿Qué tan cierto!! Yo ni siquiera sabía que lo aloness lo que existe en mí y me gusta estar solo! Tan cierto .... Me enfrenté a mi tristeza, cuando la soledad y encontró en aloness .... i no se dan cuenta de que he encontrado la libertad por error.
Dan, estoy tan contenta de que haya encontrado la libertad - que es una gran sensación, ¿no? A pesar de que sólo he visto atisbos de ello hasta ahora, es algo que realmente quiero más.
Por lo tanto, creo que eso es inexacto. Es la generalización de una idea, suponiendo que no se ama a otra razón que no sea para el auto-felicidad. Hay gente por ahí (aunque esto podría ser difícil de creer para el escritor) que el amor y se preocupan por otros seres humanos sin la intención de llenar su "vacío" o la soledad. El amor no siempre se trata de buscar alguien especial para poner fin a su soledad. A veces se trata de amar y cuidar con honestidad, sin buscar algo a cambio. No estoy de acuerdo con la mayoría de este texto, ya que se basa en una situación específica que no se generaliza a toda la humanidad (sin embargo, entiendo lo difícil puede ser para creer que hay gente en este mundo que no encaja en esta categoría. Pero hay).
Hey Juan - gracias por el comentario. Creo que estamos hablando de lo mismo. Creo que hay gente por ahí que amor por el bien de amar. Pero estas personas son los que han convertido a la soledad en soledad. Si se siente solo, entonces todo tu amor se utiliza para cubrirlo. Si usted ha aceptado a su soledad, entonces todo tu amor es real - al igual que usted ha dicho. Así que creo que estamos hablando de más o menos lo mismo.
Un gran artículo. Paradójicamente, es cuando terminemos nuestra propia percepción, incluidas las partes de nosotros mismos que ve la fragmentación y el aislamiento, de que verdaderamente podemos abrirnos a nuestra totalidad. Como Gandhi dijo una vez: "Los extremos son los medios". No se puede alcanzar la plenitud al negar cualquier parte del Yo.
PS. Puse el post que me refería anteriormente, El Vacío
Gran entrada en el Vacío, Mateo - y uno Estoy totalmente de acuerdo con. Ha dejado un comentario allí. Gracias por visitarnos.
Me gustó mucho esto. No estoy seguro de que lo creo todo sin embargo ... Let me reformular eso. No quiero creerlo. Si todo esto es cierto, estoy en serios problemas. Yo en serio no veo cómo yo puedo realmente amor. Tal vez el amor falso es cuál es el mejor para mí. No se. Esto sonará muy mala / triste pero realmente no veo cómo yo podría incluso disfrutar de estar solo cuando yo ni siquiera a mí mismo.
Mi plan es conseguir el libro de Osho mencionado en los comentarios. Es de esperar que pueda ser de alguna ayuda.
Hey 1 +1 ... gracias por el comentario
. Creo que usted mismo gusto, de enamorarse de usted es justo en este momento - es la cosa más importante en su vida. más importante que una relación Way. Mucho más feliz también. Usted podría estar interesado en el amor y la soledad artículos de esta serie, he ido a fondo allí. Échale un vistazo en la página de artículos.
http://www.urbanmonk.net/articles/
Un poco de lectura, pero realmente tienes a ti mismo como antes de que pueda ser feliz
La flor del amor puede ser especialmente relevante para usted.
Alberto, acabo de descubrir su sitio web y no puede dejar de leer sus artículos. Usted tiene conocimiento asombroso. Muchas gracias, tus pensamientos y palabras vienen a mí en el momento perfecto.
Hola Nancy, es un gusto tenerlo aquí, y gracias por tus elogios
Estimado UrbanMonk,
He creado un resumen de su artículo sobre la soledad y el romance y establecer un enlace al artículo completo en mi e-collage sobre la soledad. He encontrado sus comentarios sobre el apego y el romance a ser bastante incendiarias y difícil, pero apt sin duda. Los invito a visitar mi e-collage en what4.wordpress.com Gracias por la información.
Janet McClelland
Janet, gracias por el enlace. Y esa foto ... yo no sé si es preocupante o divertido
. Me encantaría saber más sobre por qué este artículo es incendiaria, sin embargo.
Pero me parece que perturbar la imagen. Para mí, parece que la prueba del lugar en el mundo moderno se dirige. Una gran cantidad de personas están viviendo en una matriz oculta, que no se oculta en absoluto si usted tiene tiempo libre para verlo actuar como un veneno dulce.
Espera, que tiene suficiente tiempo para ver atrapado en una matriz creada por su propio pensamiento, sino que no quieren a la atención! Para el 'em, programas de televisión son mucho más importantes que su vida. Pueden leer 100s de novelas románticas en un año, pero la lectura de un solo libro en el desarrollo personal es demasiado borrring ..
Albert, ¿has visto "The Matrix" serie? Este mundo moderno es similar a The Matrix. La única diferencia es que las personas que viven en este mundo real de la matriz no están controlados por un único ordenador de gran alcance ". Están controlados por miles de millones de computadoras aka super-poderosa mente humana.
Lamentablemente, muchas personas por lo que no quiere a la atención si están controlando sus mentes o que están siendo controlados por sus mentes.
Avinash, has dado con algo que he estado pensando y hablando con algunos otros bloggers. ¿Por qué crees que es así? ¿Por qué cree la gente pasa el tiempo quejándose, o perder su mente en el entretenimiento, en lugar de hacer algo acerca de su infelicidad / soledad?
Yo he leído algunos libros de autoayuda antes, pero yo no estaba preparado para ello internamente. ¿Cuál sería el cambio? ¿Cuál sería el empuje, antes de que alguien se levanta y asume la responsabilidad por sí mismos /
En primer lugar, gracias por hacer estas preguntas! Aunque no soy un experto en este tema, yo paso mucho tiempo examinando el comportamiento humano. Por lo que he aprendido hasta ahora, puedo decir que la generación actual no puede ser curado / curado. La razón es bastante simple de entender.
Debido a que sus padres solían hacer lo mismo? Porque todo el mundo hace lo mismo en nuestra sociedad?
La respuesta puede sonar gracioso, pero si de verdad se quiere controlar su mente y la vida, debe salir de esta sociedad por un tiempo y pasar unos meses sola en una selva.
Hay que ser plenamente consciente si quiere encontrar la verdadera felicidad. Sólo trata de ver sus actividades durante una hora. Te darás cuenta que se pierden en la misma matriz de edad de los pensamientos. Es muy difícil permanecer consciente en este mundo moderno. Es por eso que la sugerencia de pasar unos meses en una selva.
Hey Avinash, amando este debate! Leí en alguna parte que todos somos seres en constante vibración, y la razón por la que no haga clic con ciertos libros se debe a que de nivel de vibraciones que sean incompatibles. Suena muy extraño.
Estoy de acuerdo con lo que se está solo, para ver tu mente, y encontrar su verdadero yo. He estado tan solo como puedo para el año pasado, y ha cambiado mi vida interior, y han escrito mucho acerca de la soledad recientemente.
Aún así, ¿cómo motivar a otros a encontrar la verdad, o se encuentran? Cámbielas de alguien que se sienta y se queja, a alguien que asume la responsabilidad?
Gran respuesta: No se puede esperar un comportamiento favorable de un tigre salvaje hasta crecido porque puede ser que sea fácil entrenar a un cachorro de tigre a vivir con los humanos como una mascota linda pero es bastante difícil cambiar la naturaleza de un tigre a crecido.
Algo similar se aplica con nosotros los seres humanos. Hemos desarrollado una sociedad que está enferma. Sólo pasar un día viendo a un ladrón y se dará cuenta que es Faultier si el bolso de una niña ha desaparecido en un instante. A veces, no se dan cuenta a menos que tiene que pagar por algo. ¿Por qué sucede esto? Porque la gente no es consciente en absoluto. La gente está caminando en las calles pero no tienen una idea de lo que está pasando dentro de su cerebro.
Hoy he hecho esta pregunta a mí, pero créeme, he intentado demasiadas veces como para hacer que muchas personas entienden por qué deben pasar alguna vez solo, mirando a sus propias actividades, concentrando su mente en sus propios pensamientos. While a few guys (15 – 21) tried my suggested techniques, the people in 23 to 50 age range appeared to be ignoring my suggestion. Many of 'em even ended up making my joke. That's why I wrote in my previous comment that the current generation can't be healed/cured. In fact, I even tried to convince my parents but no use.. Finally in 2001, I realized that changing yourself maybe easy, changing others is not and have been living alone since then.
Short answer: Instead of trying to make the grown ups understand the fundamentals of life, humanity, etc, we should concentrate our minds on the new generation. Kids will understand, grown ups will not. And the people who understand these things are exceptions, aren't they?
PS I'm gonna spend sometime reading your articles on aloneness.
Hola ... gracias por el comentario detallado!
Hmm ... creo que todo el mundo tiene el potencial de cambiar, la edad no tiene nada que ver con eso. Estoy de acuerdo en que somos tan educados y socializados en formas falsas de pensar sin embargo. Pensé trauma personal quizá fuerte era la razón de que empezó a encontrar razones para cambiar nuestro pensamiento. Al igual que como algunas personas no cambian su dieta y el ejercicio hasta que sean demasiado gordo para su propio bien.
Gracias de nuevo por el debate.
El placer es mío!
Por cierto, yo no he dicho que las personas no tienen el potencial de change.I sólo estaba tratando de decir que sube crecido por lo general tienden a ignorar causar estos fundamentos "de permanecer apegado a la sociedad enferma mismo durante años.
La respuesta de sus preguntas anteriores se oculta en su propia respuesta. Observa lo que has escrito?
"... No cambian .... Hasta que se vuelven demasiado .."
Sí, esa es la respuesta. Esa es la naturaleza humana. Al igual que las personas no cambian su dieta y el ejercicio hasta que se vuelven demasiado gordo para su propio bien, la gente no se puede convencer a centrarse en los fundamentos de la felicidad hasta que se vuelven demasiado triste.
Veo a mucha gente leyendo libros de auto-desarrollo, pero son todos de 'em capaces de cambiar? No. Aunque lo intenten, no pueden cambiar ellos mismos hasta que alcanzan un estado extremo. Ese "demasiado gorda" en su ejemplo es un estado extremo y mi experiencia dice que uno no puede permanecer en un estado extremo de un largo período de tiempo. Luego de la caída es segura. Una vez que se encuentre, usted está listo para un nuevo comienzo.
Espero que haya incurrido en ningún sentido. Si no, lo siento por su pérdida de píxeles.
Not at all Avinash, I'm loving your insight. Thanks for all that
Another excellent article, Albert.
As I believe we are all one–single points of perspective of the ONE mind–then we can never be truly alone. Our segmented consciousness provides the illusion of being alone. We are not even physically alone, as that physicality is illusion.
“I love you” may often be used in manipulation–conscious or unconscious–but it is certainly not “all it is.”
I will agree that in the end our love is the Absolute loving another aspect of itself (therefore us loving ourself), in order to experience this sublime level of the expression one must be fully focused and engaged in the here and now..fully giving love to the one that we are (in this segmented consciousness) expressing love to.
Peace and wonder,
CG
CG, that is beautiful. Thank you for affirming my article, and what I was trying to convey.
In case you haven't read it, Osho's autobio is quite intriguing: Autobiography of a Spiritually-incorrect Mystic.” As far as spending time alone, many people forget value is found in learning to listen to the self. Often, amidst the hustle-bustle of modern society, the choice to explore meditation, retreats or other areas of spirituality, can be like rebirth and renewal. I would encourage anyone who hasn't yet to give it a chance.
Muy bonito. Me encanta Osho. Is his autobiography just a story, or does it contain lessons? Got too much on my reading plate at the moment! Thanks again Liara.
Albert,
Standing in a house full of people during Christmas over 2 years ago this horrible suffocating darkness penetrated my soul and even with all the “close” people who were attending, I felt a loneliness so deep I had to walk out of the house. It was as if I were the only one standing there amidst a home full of mannequins. Time stood still and this was when I realized how “lonely” I was. The beginning of a journey on a dark path, but would later become brighter. For some reason I was thinking about some of the old “Eagle's” songs, just now…Must have been a sad time for the song writer. Their songs now resonate with happiness…
Hey Amanda, thank you so much for sharing. It's always beautiful to hear from the personal experience of others, and I am glad to hear that your path has become brighter.
I think that what you wrote above is extremely hard to achieve. Especially, when you are a woman and when your biological clock is ticking so loud that you can't sleep at night. It would be very nice to accept my loneliness, but how can I turn off my biology, in particular my hormones which shout that time is running out for me? To accept my loneliness is to accept that I may never have a baby. It is much easier for man, because you don't have this kind of pressure over your head…
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn't – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time. "
I am confused on this one. I thought that unconditioned love aims to make your loved one happy and not miserable. I think your friend became self-absorbed and it upsets his wife. If you love someone you will not leave them falling apart while you are enjoying/discovering yourself. He could talk to her and explain what he is doing. He might also add that he loves her and will not do anything to upset her. And I bet because she loves him very much too she will let him to do whatever he needs at this time.
To be alone is not natural for a human being. Evolutionary speaking we are social animals. Dog, for example, is a social creature as well. Dog will always seek a company of other dogs, no matter what, because they are wired this way. And they will suffer tremendously when they are alone. Does a dog have an ego? No pienso así. Humans are wired this way too. This is our evolutionary trait – we have evolved to be social beings. And you lie to yourself when you say that it is desirable, beneficial and normal to be alone.
As mentioned in the story, my friend's husband loved and laughed even more when he was with her – he gave even more than he normally does. But why was he able to do that? Because he didn't need her anymore. And when you don't need someone, that is when you can love them. Need is clinging, love is freedom. That is all I am saying.
I am not saying that it is normal to be alone, I am just saying that once you stop needing someone, that is when true love is possible.
And that is when, paradoxically, it is more likely for you to find someone. When you need someone, and you keep telling yourself that, then your neediness will be very obvious. Potential lovers will sense this, and unless they are also needy, they will be subtly repulsed by this.
That section, as I've titled it, is more about neediness. Neediness is not love, we just confuse it a lot.
Thank you for your comments, if anything is not clear, please let me know so I can clarify further.
Gracias por tu respuesta. However, I insist that we are needy because it is rooted deep inside of us. It is in our genes. The neediest of our ancestors had better chances for survival. We were selected evolutionary for that. Female has to be needy not because of her ego, or anything like that, but simply because her offspring will have much better chances for survival and fruitful life with a support and love of man. How can you stop it? Can you change the color of your eyes? Well, not by wearing contact lenses, but just by meditation? Yo no lo creo
Hi Valex, thanks for the discussion, I love it. I'm not sure what neediness has to do with survival? I've found that the more needy you are, the more a quality mate runs from you. It's the way most relationships go, one chases, one runs. The more you need someone, the more they tend to run away from you. Of course, I am not a relationship expert, this is just from my personal experience.
I don't know, but I have definitely been able to reduce my neediness and loneliness, simply because I've stopped running from it. It's not so much a meditation, it's more an acceptance, which just slowly dissolves all these needy feelings – which usually stem from a sense of inadequacy. And the less needy I am, the more opportunity for love I have found.
The second factor is this: if you are needy, you don't see the other person as a human being, for who they are. You see them simply for what they can do for you, which is very selfish. And selfishness is the opposite of Love. Once you stop being needy – “make me feel good, make me feel sexy, make me feel worthy” – then you can simply accept them for who they are, and not what they can do for you.
Would love to hear what you think on this.
Hmm you seem to have edited your comment to clarify your definition of neediness as I typed up my reply
. Okay, I think the disagreement is because we have different definitions of neediness.
Yes, women need men, and men need women, to pass on our genes. Without this, the human race would be extinct. But that is not my definition of neediness.
I was thinking more along the lines of the type of guy who jumps on every woman that comes along “please love me, I need you!”, or the girl who jumps on every guy that comes along. This type of neediness, taken to the extreme, is usually called desperation. And it is common knowledge that desperation usually reduces dramatically your chances of actually finding a mate.
The problem is, most people recognise desperation, but not the “lesser” forms, mainly because clinginess is seen as “normal”. Everyone is clinging to someone, but the root of that is selfishness. Love is about the other person, but if you look closely, a lot of our relationships are based on this sort of clinginess.
Even if we say that I love so-and-so because he or she is the greatest kindest man or woman alive, many times (not always), it comes back to us. They are the greatest, so I am also great by proxy. Either that, or I don't feel happy, I feel lonely, I feel abandoned, so please be with me, so I can stop feeling this way. Very often it comes back to our loneliness or feelings of inadequacy.
But once you let go of these needs, then you can love the other person for who they are. And because you are not desperate, you are far more attractive. I'm really enjoying this discussion, thanks!
I am sorry, but you even further supported my argument. You see, one of the evolutionary strategies for a male is to spread their genes and inseminate as many females as possible. So the “clingy” female as you put it, is a definite obstacle to this strategy. That is why males sense it and run away from it. There is another strategy, but it seems that fewer males choose it. This strategy is quality vs. quantity, ie fewer but well invested and cared for offspring which will have much better chance of survival than numerous and abandoned sons and daughters around the world.
I am not sure yet if the true love exists, but I suppose if it does, than you can not be considered clingy by any means. If you truly love each other, you enjoy each other, you want to be together, etc., both of you. Everything else is just not love, I am sorry. It is a power struggle, unrequited love, games, allowing other to be with you, being afraid to be alone, so grabbing anything that comes along, etc (here I agree with you
. If somebody considers you needy he/she does not love you, period! The whole neediness argument goes away the moment you have found MUTUIAL love. And then you can not be needy enough 
Unfortunately, I seriously doubt that the true love is out there, so for now the case remains open….
Hmm… okay so we agree on the second point, let's put that to rest. I do believe in true love, but I respect your opinions, so that's that.
Let's return to the first point – I'm not sure what you mean with that. You're saying that a man wants to go out and spread his genes. If he is clingy, how can he do that? He'll just latch onto the first female that accepts him. Of course, this applies to both men and women.
You seem to say that a clingy woman keeps a man from going out and impregnating other women, but at the same time you just contradicted yourself (unless I misunderstood your meaning, which is entirely possible) that being clingy actually drives them away, which actually makes it more likely that the guy will find another female. Either that or the guy will actually stay, which means he has no other choices, ie he is needy himself.
The only people, male or female, that really have any choice / possibility to find love or a quality lover, are those who are not clingy.
Yeah, this is a paradox poor females have to face. They can't help being clingy (biology), yet drive guys away by being clingy. ¿Qué hacer?
As for a clingy guy, I don't really know….Maybe its because he wants to make sure that if he is going to invest into that particular female, the baby is better to be his?
I still do not belive that you can be fine and alone. ¡Lo sentimos!
“This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn't laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.”
Absolutely right on, couldn't agree more!
Thank you PUA!
This is one of the best articles I've read on this topic.
And I'm grateful to you for that.
Thank you Boat, that's very high praise.
I know it has been said a few times by now, but yeah, wow. Albert, you are truly a skilled writer, and not only that, you're damn smart. I'll have to go through your whole archives some day, I guess they're filled with wisdom like this.
Alex, that is one of the best compliments I've received for the blog. Muchas gracias! I really enjoy your blog very much too.
Gran post! A person can be among lots of people and still feel lonely.
Loneliness hurts and if love can help, why not?
Being alone, IMHO, is not being lonely. We need to be alone in order to sought out our thoughts.
Anyway, good to read! Gracias.
Thank you Gary! You're 100% right – almost every great person (by my own definition heh) I know has been through a period where they were completely alone and sought inward – and they've come out of it transformed.
Ahh, that was a great post to read. I like people who think and make others think. That's what You made me do now ^^
I agree to some extent, and I got myself some great discussion ideas from You. I will refer back to this page too…
In my small experience, I have lots of friends who can't understand my calmness(/philosophy), though it's nothing special. I believe it's quite close, maybe the same, with what You call “aloneness”. I don't mind being alone, nor do I feel bored/lonely by it. It's maybe even the opposite – I feel calm and free just sitting under the sun doing nothing special…
Thanks :]
Marin, thanks! I think what you have there – that calm – is certainly something special. Many people need to distract themselves whenever they are alone, because they can't stand to face what arises when there is nothing else to think about. That's amazing to hear that you have that calm.
hola. great article you have here. and great discussion too! gracias. bookmarked! i'll be back…
I sometimes feel this loneliness,
what should I do, continue to feel it until i realize it's an illusion,
or will the ego continue those sad voices?
Also I already read that human are social animals….
excellent article by the way
Hi Chicago Movies and Need, thanks for the comment. Loneliness, like the other emotions, will pass once you stop fighting it. Some people are chronically angry, they might take a while to relax into themselves so all the anger is released; others are generally happier and take only a short period to do the same – it is the same with loneliness, it depends on the individual, but it will go. And then you can be social again
I want to feel complete.
I think it's true that lot of todays love is approval seeking.
Being dependent;..manipulation.
So I will let my sad ego voices be, and observe them then..
Thanks Need, try the Blossoming of Love post for a bit more on this!
there is no need to be happy, since I didn't already achieve that.
but will check the post you advice me
how old are you albert?
albert = you who wrote those articles?
Yeap, I wrote them, and I'm 26. ¿Por qué?
Hmm, couldn't help to barge in, sorry.
NEED, your reason to feel incomplete/lonely seems to be love, although you do realize what you need. It seems like you bring that loneliness to yourself. So if you do, why not fight it.
Well, yeah, I admit there are sometimes in which the sub consciousness is unbeatable, until the moment you let it go, yet that can also be seen as a way of fighting. Completeness in first place is something that people bestow upon themselves. Like having a girlfriend, than loose it, and the bed seems too damn big now, like it is missing parts. If you do not stop thinking of it that way, the bed will always miss parts. (//for example)
Wishes are something greater than they seem. When you wish to be lonely, you can, no matter if it's based on emotions, loss, will, in the root, there is always the wish for it. When your wish becomes a daily feeling, a habit, just observing it won't help much, because the reason to be lonely will no longer be one of the respectful reasons. And than, you have to find your wish/motivation/will to change this.
Realizing one problem is way off solving it, I think you know that. But running away from a problem, although is not the best, still IS a solution, much better than dragging it along all the way. Life isn't that long, and it's bad enough, to bring “bonus” bad feelings like loneliness upon ourselves.
Now, sorry if I my comment isn't on place, sorry if I've gone off topic in someway, and sorry for my not-good English, I hope the spell-check will help though.
Have a nice day ^^
By working, being busy, focusing outside on something, those sad feelings go away.
And when I do nothing, ego voices start to come again.
So I have 2 solutions : being busy, or do nothing AND let go at the same time.
gracias chicos
This is probably the most insightful thing I have read in quite awhile. The points you have presented are very true too, at least in my opinion.
This is coming from a guy who's still in high-school with all that hormones and crap going around and im just glad it's almost over for me.
Gracias por el artículo.
Hey Halden! Good to have you here. Hormones are nearly over? I'ma decade out of high school and still have raging hormones hahaha!
Hi-Thanks for your thoughfulness. I'm very good at indentifying flaws in an argument or a concept,so I am happy to say there are none in yours. You don't succumb to verbosity or any other device aimed at seducing the reader(not an easy feat!)-it was very succinct and balanced. More importantly, it helps the troubled mind ( like mine) in this difficult area. I've tried to fill this void( what I thought was a viod with all the typical methods you refer to. Your clear thinking is really a description of reality or truth,which, while painful intially, ultimately brings peace and of course the potential for 'real' love. Thank you for giving of yourself.
-Jason
Jason, thank you for the very high praise. I'm very grateful, and glad that it helped
wow!!!!!!!!
i started reading the article and couldn't move till it was over.
really a great job albert!
Even it reminded me some of my past days.
the image is very touchy.
le encantó.
¡Salud!
Thank you Sunny, that's a really great compliment
Very insightful… I am citing this article for a paper I am writing… Thx
Thanks Kevin, that's probably one of the biggest compliments I've received
That was some nice writing.
Thanks Eddy
This is the first time I am hearing of “Aloneness” but I think I see your point. Thanks for this nice article.
Thank you Wilson
wow I'm seeing life in a whole new perspective. Thank you very much Albert! I hope you write more
Thanks Elizabeth!
Albert,
I think Im starting to look at things differently after reading this article!….thanks for helping me understand what lifes really is!..Thank You soo much
Thank you Sabrish
Love this article, always known this theory inside myself after i experienced my first break up. Its some insight i'd really like to share with other people.. but i think that people have to come to this conclusion to themselves to actually be able to take it in. Trying to tell someone this in my opinion is pointless. But anyway love it and i believe every word of it is true!
Thank you Laura! I wrote this article after a period of heart break too, hehe. It's funny how we hit the same deductions after going through the same things, isn't it?
Hola Albert,
I found your article after being deeply hurt by my husband. I feel I made a mistake and married the wrong man. I believe I am stuck in this marriage (at least for now) and I am soooooooooooooooooooo unhappy and alone. We dont live together and he wants it that way. There is this deeeeeeeeeep and nagging heartache that just wont go away. It criples me and drains my energy it ruining me of a quality life.
Your article was quite soothing and encouraging. It sounds like there is hope for me afterall. I have tried all sorts to make it go away like going out or talking endlessly on the phone to friends but then the relief is only temporary and comes back once I get home or hang up the phone.
Estoy de acuerdo con usted. I am very needy. I have a STRONG need to be loved and wanted and adored and appreciated and I am not getting it. I ahve shed tears and endless number of time without getting any comfort. My husband simply ignores me or walks out. I made a VERY big mistake by marrying him.
I will definitley try all you said and get OSHO's book.
Just want to say thank God for people like you and to let you know you are very lucky at your age to have this depth of wisdom. I wish you all the best in life!
Thank you very much for that heartfelt comment, Tee. Do let me know how you get on. Try the emotional mastery series for your neediness too (it's under the start here page).
you have beautiful written on Romance , feels like you are much experience on this subject
A word from The Mother (Sri Aurobindo Ashram):
'The wise is never alone. He carries in his heart
the Lord of all things.”
Im confused,
Its incredibly good, very well written but it doesnt make sense to me.
Are you saying that the guy was lonley? But why was he still lonely? If he had the women to like him when he didnt need them?
And you say the need to be needed is lonley then what is Love?
I dont get what are you saying.
We need people though we cant do it all ourselves
answer me this please
The guy that had all those girls money and all that couldnt he say well I dont need to be needed anymore.
Walla one of those girls could be real love?
Gracias!
I'm not sure what your question is? The guy was lonely because sex and money doesn't satisfy loneliness for very long. For a while, yes, but after a while most people will feel lonely again. Love is when you no longer need to be needed. What that feels like, is something that has to be felt, not described
Alright me and my friend discussed this and its just beautiful, Its priceless the key to everything that was suppresed making you believe that is right.
For that I lost all the respect I had for Enrique Iglesias,
All his songs are flawd thanks to you
Saying I need you.
I thought I had to change myself to get people
I felt bad when I didnt. Solitario
But it was just all my unconscious mind trying to get needed
(by the way what is your take on this?) tips?
Something that will never be satified even if I succeed
It all poofed away when I read this
But couldnt the guy said I dont need to be need anymore and walked away?
Couldnt he stop being lonley if he knew what do you think needed to get to his mind?
Do you think giving him this article couldve helped him for example?
Or what needs to get to people's head to stop bieng lonley?
Muchas Gracias!
I guess it was just me trying to get accepted, but what does it matter now. It only feeds into them.Trying to fix my image.
I just dont get why I would try so hard?
Why didnt I just accept just where I was?
Guess I was sitting beside the guy, but didnt get up there.
Guess I wanted to be needed more
Somebody to tell me who I was
The only thing Im mad about is pushing myself so hard to get no where ( I dont know what can you tell me that part so I dont feel this feeling?)
I dont need them to make me feel a better person cooler in this case.
Now to this day I can finally breath .
Thanks to Albert
No I dont think I need an answer for this one I think I got it, but you could give me some other interpretations.
Glad to know this helped
it was comforting to read your article to say the least. i am still unsure of the distiction between loneliness and aloneness. i think a sense of lonliness dawns on us primarily owing to either the loss of love or the absence of love. I have been wandering all my life for someone – anyone to love me. The feeling of loneliness has only grown with time BUT…. what it has done for me in return is to recognise my flaws. Flaws which are inborn – which are instinctive, not something one can have control over and mend deliberately. I would probably call them my nature – so to speak. What is loneliness??? A feeling that would arise only when you want to be wanted and loved. The most common thing it leads to……..Self Pity – its a great addiction at times something that would even surpass the concept of love. I find it difficult to imagine how one can be happy in this state of mind. Happiness is relative. You could be happy having found your soul mate but then again give it time and you would find it in the most absurd things. Something that made you happy a few years ago may not evoke the same emotion now. But what is universal is the need to be needed, and more importantly a sense of belonging. Thats been the struggle of humanity. One could get philosophical about life and try and “look at the larger picture”. But who really knows the real purpose of our existence??? Behaviour, Reaction, Instinct, are really what defines us. Loneliness is brought about by the simple fact of nature – to co-exist. So would'nt one be fooling oneself by trying to accept a state of loneliness and masquerading it as aloneness. Don't get me wrong, the article is a masterpiece – another perspective. all I can say is that 20 years of being alone – having explored myself and uncovering my personality – I still feel alone. Not to say that I'm unhappy, but yeah…. I would want to be with someone to share my life with.
Mentioning the monks who took to the solitude of the mountains; Having rediscovered life and unearthing spiritualism, there is still a need to connect, to communicate, to share.
I totally agree with you on the concept of “I”. but that is what defines us as individuals. Which is why we love people distinct from us.
Having said that – the utmost important consequence of being alone is the ability to LOVE – more than one's own expectation. And that as per me is the best state of mind – to feel happy in making someone happy.
Hey Axe – thank you for that detailed commentary. Regarding aloneness vs. loneliness, I don't think there is fooling involved. If you have a need then you are lonely, plain and simple. You can fool yourself but not other people who know you.
Albert
Humble apologies. No ill-intent. Just adding a different perspective in-effort of understanding all possibilities.
Oh no Axe, don't misunderstand me. I wasn't offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I was just presenting my opinion, just like you were
I have been struck for a few years now about the difference between loneliness, which for me, speaks of lack and solitude, which (to me) I wasn't offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way.
No need for email correspondence.
But I would like to say, thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts on this issue. I am learning each day to really love myself more, and be intertwined with this issue of “aloneness” rather than “loneliness.”
There's more work to be done, but I'm sure I can finish it up. Thanks for giving some light to this issue.
Thank you for your comments David and Reprimand
I think for the last five years ive been living through a revelation of this deep and i must exclaim sorrowful and dark feeling called loneliness. I know loneliness can be responsible for untold other self depreciating values we put upon ourselves, or we attract from others .If we can accept we are powerful and alone, and happy with our aloneness all can be easier much more honest and fullfilling when in the company of others. As the relationship is not based on a lack mentality of we are not enough and that my ego needs nurturing.Thanks for putting this site together and giving your time sharing very valuable spiritual understanding about our really simple souls living in complicated surrounds and times. Adrian
Hey Adrian, thank you so much.
Hi, I stumbled onto your blog tonight, via your flagship Ego post, via a Google Search. Read about 5 articles, all of which were great, and this is my first comment. I love your site and your writing. Mantener el gran trabajo.
I had to re-read several passages of this post, in order to make sure I fully understood. Before, I would plow through articles & books just to finish. I think I had too much pride in myself (I kind of grew up with a “perfect child” identity). I think and hope this is a sign I am becoming more aware of my Ego.
In the short time that I have been on your site, I feel that I am already becoming much more aware of, and learning about, myself. I will subscribe, I will be back, and I will definitely look forward to more of your work. ¡Gracias!
Gracias compañero.
Albert,
Great article! I definitely understand the difference between loneliness and aloneness. After my divorce 1.5 years ago, I mentally made it a priority to strengthen my love for myself and my aloneness. I did this through starting meditation, kickboxing, etc. However, I also pushed to not feel “lonely” financially and professionally, resulting in moving too quickly into a business I was not ready for (too young for at the age of 26 and ironically focused on holistic health), which caused a ripple effect of difficult situations that have taken me away from the place of developing a deep “love affair” for myself.
I am seriously considering taking 1 year starting in the fall, and teaching English aboard somewhere. And, take this time to be outside of my normal world of surroundings to be truly with myself and focus on my creative expression (art and photos), daily spiritual practices, being with myself without the pull of the television, etc. It was what I originally wanted to do when the divorce happened and my soul has been asking for it ever since. Some of these things I will start doing again here hopefully in the near future once I move into a temporary place.
I feel boxed in working in front of a computer 40 hours a week. I have always loved teaching and instructing, and I think this may be a way for me to rekindle this part of myself while taking a breath of fresh air among others of a different culture. Plus, I have always loved traveling!
What are your thoughts about travel as a part of one's journey to experience a deeper love for themselves and becoming more comfortable with their aloneness? Any thoughts on making this a powerful step in healing and discovery?
Hey Julia, thank you for that heartfelt comment. I think if you like travel, go for it! I think it can expand your perspectives – sometimes seeing new things can “jolt” us out of our old mental patterns and give us a little taste of freedom
I guess I've never realized the necessity for attentions with love. i know that sounds obvious but it just never struck me.
“Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.” I love it! What a great description. Gracias por su comprensión.
Hey Beverly, thanks a lot. I can't claim credit for it though, it was inspired by a beautiful book by Osho.
Nice piece of writing – great insight. Many of us would feel better if they got the chance to read that.
Thank you Dinora!
Wouldn't you need to give just a little fake love for a relationship in order for it to work? Or do you just Love and do it for the other person and expect nothing in return, but in that case that would be stopping you from future relationships? If you want a reltionship though you have to give thy fake Love no? ¿Sabes lo que quiero decir?
Thanks Albert Cheers!
Why do you think you have to give fake love in order to have a relationship? Why would just loving stop you from future relationships?
I've heard you're not going to have it if you don't want it. And it ringed true. So how can I Love if I want it? To want you have to “love” or fake love becuase you're always expecting something in return. if you don't expect something in return then nothing is going to happen I've heard.
Thats why I'm all pshycd up 
.
Just give it a shot, see which works for you
I was once in this kind of situation. I felt really alone and like I doesn't belong. But soon I realized that nobody will love me as much as I love myself. like the lyrics in the song “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Nice article.
Thanks Joseph!
Amazing article … jus got no q's unanswered after reading it … articulated so beautifully about all aspects … just can say W:)W !!!
Thank you eyesflux!
Wow, a very wise and eloquent post. You've really nailed the contrast between feeling loneliness and feeling alone. It seems almost cynical to view romance as a way to assuage loneliness, but I realize that I do that kind of thing, also. Amazing article.
Dear Albert,
Thank you for this beautiful article. I really loved its simplicity.
To other readers, I'd like to say: this article will not make sense until you've tried what it suggests.
If you want to take one message away from this article, I'd say it should be this part:
“Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don't think about it. Just feel it. Relájese en ella, y luego verás que tu tristeza tiene su propia santidad. Estar solo es la oportunidad perfecta para que usted pueda profundizar más en ti mismo. Ver todas sus sutilezas, la cara de frente a ti mismo, y la mirada en todas las partes que no te quiere. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.”
And herein lies the crux. To make this effort of looking into yourself:
1. You need to be perceptive enough to realize what you do NOT have.
2. You need to understand if you are only in love or in a relationship for what you're getting in return.
3. You have to realize that as you drift from one relationship to another, the only thing that stays the same is your feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness.
4. Most important, you must be desperate enough to want to get out of this cycle! Most people are not. They'd rather bounce from one failed relationship to another, wasting this precious existence, squandering all their potential.
And, mind you, looking into yourself is not easy. It follows on from the last point that:
5. You must be determined enough to go through with it!
Now introspection is not hard by its very nature. In fact, it should be the easiest thing in the world to do. Unfortunately, we make it difficult. ¿Por qué? Simply because we're not used to it. We're far more used to judging ourselves, to fighting our own nature.
When you first start to look into yourself, it is so easy to get sidetracked by what is not germane, so easy to pin blame on others. It is very hard to see the 'flaws' in yourself, to accept yourself as you are (why did I put the word 'flaws' in quotes? Because what you see as flaws are not really flaws until you reject them. If you try to conform to another person's idea or even your own idea of how one should be, it is a flaw. When you accept it as your own nature, it IS your own nature — not something to be changed or 'fixed').
What happens when you start to accept yourself in totality? You start to see why your relationships failed. ¿Cómo?
1. You see whether you were in love only because your partner assuaged your ego by condoning your 'flaws' or pampered it by applauding your 'virtues' (I put 'virtues' in quotes for the same reason as I did 'flaws').
2. You see whether you fell in love only because you saw in the other person an image of what you thought you should have been yourself. Why did this happen? Because you didn't accept yourself in totality. By selectively picking parts of yourself as 'good' and condemning the rest, you've divided yourself, you've negated your self-worth.
3. When you accept yourself as you are, something else that is magical happens. You learn to accept OTHERS for what they are. In totality. This is a new, wholesome kind of love. It is qualitatively different from clinging, from needing, from run-of-the-mill crushes or sexcapades. ¿Por qué? When you can accept all facets of another person's character, you stop trying to change them. Equally importantly, you stop trying to change yourself. You stop trying to make reality conform to your image of it.
Complete acceptance brings a whole lot of other wonderful things. It gives you peace, it gives you a new appreciativeness for life, for how invaluable the time that we spend here is. But really, you should try it for yourself to understand. Until you do, these words will just remain words. They can only give you an inkling of what waits to be discovered.
Hey Neeraj. Wow. I don't know what to say, but honestly, this is perhaps the best comment I've ever received on this blog, or at least in the top three. Muchas gracias por ello. Your deep understanding and intent to help others is very evident.
This entry…I am at work reading it and I am a receptionist. People coming in and out all the time…and this entry almost made me cry because there is so much truth in it.
Beautiful..absolutely beautiful.
I don't love myself….but now I really know it and I plan on changing it.
So thank you.
Thank you so much for that heart felt comment Jackie. Se lo agradezco.
This is the first time i feel the sweetness of being alone.
This article has been a great help, thanks!
You're welcome Reem
Hi Albert, this article is quite confusing to me because what you are trying to say is not very clear to me. At one point, u say,”Aloneness is our nature” and then in the comments to Valex, u say, “I am not saying that it is normal to be alone”. Which is true and which is not true?I am confused now…
Hi V, thanks for your comment. OK, here's what I mean. Soledad es nuestra naturaleza. Even if we are with someone we are still alone. I believe true mental and emotional health comes from being 100% comfortable with admitting this, and 100% OK with being alone. However, this is a VERY HARD concept for many people. It challenges everything they believe in (kinda like when some people say we don't need to be rich to be happy, a lot of people will get very defensive over such a comment).
My comment to Valex was directed to him and not to everyone in general. ¿Por qué? I toned it down a little so he doesn't reject it outright. When I said that to him, I was encouraging him to try it. I didn't want to get into an argument which would be useless. But if I said “NO YOU ARE WRONG WE HAVE TO BE ALONE”, then it's no longer a discussion (given how strongly he feels about the subject), he'll turn it into an argument. Which I don't want. And would just be useless.
Plus some people take things too far. I do say it's the beginning of romance but people forget that. We have to be comfortable with aloneness and not need a partner before we can have genuine romance (I believe). There are many things I would want to do (such as have kids, for instance), that would require a partner. Finding aloneness does not mean giving that up, which some people are misunderstanding me to mean. (They think I'm advocating no human contact for the rest of their lives – if you want that, cool. But you don't have to.)
Once we are 100% comfortable with alone, it is a sort of freedom. And then we can go out and have as many relationships as we want, but with a different quality as we are no longer clinging to them.
Espero que tenga sentido.
oh ok…thank u for yr quick reply Albert
…tc
I have another question, Albert, sorry to bother u again.When you say, “Our physical nature is to be alone.” what does it mean exactly?Does it relate to us having a physical body?
I can't remember haha! I think we can interpret it both ways… no matter how close we get to another person (physically or emotionally) we are always alone. For instance, even when we are having sex, it's a merging of two bodies but we're still two separate people. Even if we have a lover we are with 24 hours a day, there are things we can't fully share. If I told her, for example, that I feel horrible. She can't really share in it, the best she can do is to imagine what I feel like. There are still many things we have to face alone – going in for heart surgery, for example. Stuff like that.
Brilliant, this is the stuff that every should know and should be taught in education. If there's a link for the 'host' documentary, could you send it me please, as I feel it would help me break the viscous cycle of wanting women to make me happy (this is a pain that many men go through to the women who might be thinking I mad)
Thank you very much, buddy! I can't remember what the documentary was called, since I wrote this so long ago. Er… I think I saw bits and pieces of it on Google video. Try searching for host clubs or host bars or something.
This is all too true. You have said everything I did not want to hear, and everything I needed to hear.
“Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. Ellos sólo dan un amor de plástico, con la esperanza de que alguien va a dar amor a cambio real. Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.”
Just recently, I told someone I loved them. I never did fall in love with him, but I loved him, nonetheless- or so I thought. I said to him those three jaded words, and I told him I expected nothing in return. I did not wish for him to love me back, or to even accept that what I had told him was the truth. I just wanted him to know I loved him.
Pero este no es el caso.
I did not realize it, but now I see that, subconsciously, I was wishing he would give me love, to fill the void my previous ex had left. Now, whether or not I loved the previous ex is unsure.
Whatever the case, I did not get what I wanted. And so I fall back into the state of loneliness that I know so well.
Hi Anna, thank you for your comment. It is somehow quite poetic, so I really appreciate you sharing it.
I just read 'love and aloneness' and then this. I agree, but I don't see myself surpassing my lonely depressions. I love myself, and go off alone for hours once a week, but I always miss the joy I get from talking to people I care about. Your saying that I'm filling a broken nature in humanity, and I will agree with you, but I think bonding with others does fill the void. I think a man/woman is born with something missing and loving another fills it. I can be contempt with myself, but never be able to be complete without helping another. I think we will probably agree to disagree, and that is okay because I feel we're on similar wave-lengths, but please tell me if you indeed do have a rebuttal.
Hi James! No problems at all. In fact, one of the readers above said much the same thing and I had a nice discussion with him. Scroll up a few comments (to Valex) and see if anything in there needs further comment
Woke up in the middle of the night feeling both alone and lonely. Started Twittering and somehow ended up here. Amazed to see that a post started in 2007 is still going strong in 2009. So I read, I comment, and I notice that a kindly aloneness can, when we least expect it, turn into a haunting loneliness. It is perhaps our most unifying trait, this feeling of inner and sometimes outer isolation. So we read or write or talk or DO something to distract ourselves. Loneliness never completely, entirely goes away for good. It can sneak up on any of us. I think the trick is to accept it, as you said, and know that like every other feeling we have, “aloneliness” too will pass. Thanks for sharing your insights on this timeless and universal topic. The day is starting to break, and I feel better.
Hi Brenda, thank you for that comment. I think we all know the pain of a lonely, sleepless night, so thank you for sharing.
Hola Albert,
awesome, I have written a lot about unrequited love and lonelyness, but I you REALLY carved it out and turned it into a masterpiece.
I have never read Osho – which of his books would you recommend reading first? This got me interested.
Gracias!
Marca
Hi Mark, thanks for your kind words. His book, Love, Freedom and Aloneness, has affected me deeply and the quotes from this article are from that book (from memory, this is an old article).
Hola Albert,
thanks for your ultra-fast answer
Im heading over to amazon and order it right away.
I just discovered this site and have read some of your fabulous articles. All are beautifully written and inspire me! This one hit the mark on where I am right now ( guess that's why I found it!) – learning to truly love myself, enjoy being alone and knowing that this is the true path to having a healthy relationship when it is meant to be. Thank you so much for expressing where I want to go and helping me stay on track when I go back into the dark “loneliness mode”. I will be coming by more often and trying your techniques. Gracias de nuevo!
Hi Carol, that is really high praise, thank you!
Albert,
Thank you for writting this inspirational article, this was exactly what my heart needed right now.
Sarah
My pleasure Sarah, glad it helped.
Hola Albert,
By chance I came across your website. And while reading thru another article posted on your site, I came across this. What you wrote is so true. The fear of being lonely can drives one to do stupid things. I am one of those people. But I am now awaken. I could really relate to what you have written. Indeed a wise man!
Metta,
Yan
Yan, thank you for your comments – you're making me blush. I'm not really a wise man, I wrote this shortly after a breakup.
I wish I had read this a long time ago. I've made too many mistakes by playing the part of the girl who slowly went insane from her longing. Loneliness makes time shrink, leaving me dry. Aloneness makes time feel infinite, vast and deeper than the deepest ocean.
Chris that is one poetic comment!
BRILLANTE!
Thanks Crystal
This is such an important piece of advice for me, especially as I'm going into adulthood and learning how to be a man, aswell how to bring more of that little thing called happiness into my life
.
Thanks Albert
Jag you're welcome mate!
Thank you so much for this amazing article, it opened my mind and my soul.I am dealing with some heavy stuff in my life ,so glad that I found your article , I am sending you good vibes.
Hi Niloofar – you're welcome, and good luck with the heavy stuff, it's never fun.
Al, I found your site tonite and look foward to reading more! I understand all you points, can you tell me what our true attraction to others should be. I understand non duality and helping others “helping others is helping myself”(or is that just my ethics I need to uphold for my ego, but thats for another day) my ? If we can find contentment in ones self, what is the point of life long monogomy. Is it that if we can give up our attachment and needing of afformation we can truly enjoy the things that are given to us. I may be answering my owm question. but hope to hear your thoughts. If we are a cup, inside is our needyness, if we need not, anything we recieve will overflow to enjoy.if we are needy our cup will never stay full. got to go to bed
Hi Chad, thanks for your question, but I think you're right – you just answered your own question
This is why I appreciate the unexpected things my wife does so much(because I dont need it) The paradox is that we start to expect them.
Could you really love someone who never shows you signs of love back or not have an equality of intrest between theirs and your own ? Is that somthing that is defined in an individual relationship? Psycologist say love is esential for child developement, why not adults
Hi Chad, there are different types of love.
The Great Happiness Space – Tale of an Osaka Love Thief
Is that one it? Even if it isnt' its good.
Hi Alex – thanks for digging it up. The guy in the poster looks familiar although I honestly can't remember as it was so long ago and I was sorta forwarding along bits and pieces that I found boring. I'll try and get my hands on this one
Just beautiful…laying quiet in the knowing..:)
Thanks Brad
Brilliant, I think I am on the verge of understanding myself. For many years I have been in love with a woman I can not have, I have been chasing a white elephant ever since, (you know what I mean)trying to fill this void with different things, buying things, doing things, going out socializing, drinking, just to escape reality for a while. I am good with people of both sexes I get on with everybody, It's just this one woman I am completely hung up on, it's like running into a brick wall, my stomach turns over whenever we speak, or whenever I think of her.
Nothing I did would make me content, not for long term anyway. I realize now possessions or a person can not make me truly happy, I have to work and be happy with myself, I need to fill my low and empty feelings with better things, that's why I searched and found this article.
If you can give me more advice please do so.
@ Andrew:Read the book http://www.amazon.com/Love-Fre.....amp;sr=8-1
There really isn't anything more than realizing the feeling you have right now, and the thought of being somewhere is what we try to push down. Even if were with someone else nothing really changes. We're that same being. There is this presence that never changes. Try to get in touch with it. After a while though I found out The work by Byron Katie works better. Everything starts with our thoughts. If you think desire, you'll feel lonely. Read on for yourself http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
Andrew, thanks for your courage in sharing. Alex is right this is the vital first step. The rest of it is doing some work – inner work, not escaping it with new relationships, etc. There are a few tools I like, besides the Work Alex recommended. Try the Sedona Method, The Journey, or whatever takes your fancy. The 3 I named are my favourites, but everyone is different, so poke around and find your own. I describe some techniques in the rest of the blog so poke around there if you have some time.
interesting article, some very insight full stuff here, well articulated; however; I must disagree, even though loneliness can be a source of solitude, and even though the ego (self) will never truly be satisfied and yes it always wants more, and more. Getting rid of our loneliness is not the source of our love. the statement Once you stop needing, that is when you can find love. I must abject too, our neediness is what drive us out of ourselves and has us search for something greater than ourselves. it is only when we give ourselves over to that which is greater do we then find Love. getting rid of neediness is denying our need for love. that like getting rid of your need to eat or breathe, and you can't live if you do not do either of these to things. cierto. If we cut off our neediness we cut ourselves off from being or giving love, yes I agree that people who are living for themselves are like parasites and leach off the love of others (trust me this I know first hand) but when you give your neediness to something greater than your self such as God than you find out what your real needs are and how He can meet them. We each have a need for love, (we'll call this salvation as we all really want to be saved from something don't we?) security, significance, commitment, and assurance. To deny these needs is to deny our humanity and the human experience, such would be a futile existence. The question is where are you finding these needs or how are you trying to suck others dry to get your needs met. as I said I do agree that we as a human race do need loneliness, but we can not live there. The reality of this article is that it is true that loneliness is or can be a source of getting to know oneself, and yes I agree we do need to learn to love ourselves, and solitude can give us that understanding and the chance or break we need to keep going; however; one can not truly love another unless they give themselves over to the one they love, and the one that loves them. the point I am making that this author does not see is that self (ego) can not deny self (ego). because it is selfish, therefore it will not. and focusing on it will only give it power. True love is sacrifice, it is not a fuzzy felling, or some fancy idea that we try to live up to. When you love another you build yourself a cross, because you are giving up on yourself, so to tell someone that you love them does not mean that you are being unreal to say this, but do you sacrifice your self to the other. real love is when your mate hates you and you love them anyways, love is when an other hurts you deeply and you love them anyways. Love is when someone takes something from you and instead of trying to get even or make them pay for their wrong you love and forgive them. do this and you will truly love yourself and others and even this dark world around you, everyone wants to withdraw, or get away from our hurts and our pain, yet it is these experiences that teach our own weaknesses and our own humanity. My parents are the perfect example of this, if any two people who were not meant to be together it was them, they were always going at each other, but yet they were the two happiest people that I knew, why? because they loved each other, they never went to bed angry at each other and they (spite their arguments), also were there for each other when the hard times came (and they will) they stuck together, and when the good times came (and they will) the stuck together. when all seemed hopeless the gave to each other. 46 years of marriage can testify to this. my Dad cheated on my Mom and most people would say leave, but she did not she forgave him and then he got sick once with pneumonia and she took care of him, that is love. self sacrifice. yes embrace loneliness, learn from it, embrace the sting of it, and the pain of going through those times of hurt, but do not live there, you'll most certainly end up alone.
“But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that's when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.” This is your nature that is to be needed and wanted, we all want to be important but it is not meeting these needs yourself it is about meeting these needs in others. showing others that they have significance and importance and there lives have meaning. You know there are two types of people in the world the down and out and the up and out, I work with both and I do not know how many I have met or shared with, what I do know is that all of them all want and need to be loved, so withdrawing from this need, you might as well end it all, cause you wont be living otherwise “what is love with out risk”. Loving others is not about what you can get out of them, nor is it about what you can offer them, it is about WHO you offer them. you know not everything that is true is not the truth, for example this author says ““You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. Y la dulzura, las sonrisas y los besos comienzan a oscilar hacia otro lado. Llegamos a ser triste, que los atacan por no nos hace felices, nos manipularlos a darnos más. Tal vez se cede, y el péndulo oscila de nuevo en dulzura. Tal vez no lo hacen, y se rompen en llanto y la ira. This even seems normal.” that is true, what is not the truth is that “the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.” what he is doing here is confusing you first he is saying that it is wrong to be needy and then he is saying that you can only meet this need in yourself, so he is really saying that you are needy. that is double talk shrouded in fancy words. I have nothing personal against this author, just that is disagree with his presentation as everything in this life I have lived tell me the complete opposite. It is recognizing your needs. example is this, look at a baby, I am a father, a child is the epitome of selfishness and neediness, let me ask you something is that wrong? I do not think so, children have a need to be loved, if the parent told the child that they need to deny this need and then they will find love, the child would surly die, and then the parents would go to prison for child abuse as that it would be such. we parents need to give love to our children, parenthood is about giving ourselves over to something greater our children. There was a study done using chimps, the put these three chimps in three separate rooms, the first had a wire frame for a mother, so did the second but with some fur on it, and the third was a real mother. the first chimp who's mother was a wire frame died with in a day, the second lived but as they studied it it showed signs of mental disorders and the third lived and grew up to be a healthy chimp. what a crock of bull and people blindly believe this crap. ¿por qué? because everyone is looking for love, and instead of giving ourselves to others it is more easier to withdraw and lick our wounds and live in our self-pity, been there done that, got me know where except wanting to kill myself, when I gave up on licking my wounds and living in a downward spiral or self-destruction and got out of myself I found Love but I found it by giving myself to others. I do agree that it can not be found in others as yes it is true that no one can fill your vacuum, but neither can you, only God can. He is what is greater than us. I am not preaching to you, I am just saying something that everyone already knows. Truth is never preached but rather is demonstrated and this world simply demonstrates our own neediness and the vacuum that we want to have filled. the question is how are you getting your bag filled, by the way you can not fill a glass that is already full.
By the way I am not saying that this author is wrong in some of what ha has said, I am just giving a different perspective on things. I am needy, I have needs, I am human, I am imperfect and I have insecurities and failures and weaknesses, but it is in knowing and recognizing, and accepting them that I am my strongest, don't get rid of you weakness's embrace them and then you'll be living.
Hi Lee, thanks for your comments. Please forgive me if I can't make a detailed reply, I've had a very tiring fortnight and I simply don't have the headspace to read and digest all that. Espero que lo entiendas. Again thank you for all the thought and energy you've put into it, I appreciate it.
@ Lee The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good. The mind creates more suffering than what is. Without that thought you would just be as if you were on a rollar coaster. Just as in a rollar coaster you forget about love. There is no need to make it complicated.
If you feel pain with the thought I need love work with it with The Work. http://www.thework.com/index.asp
So called love is just a selfish thing. Its never about the other its always about you, and if being nice to someone rewards you over being mean, sometimes called “love” then why not?
Hi Alex thanks for your comment. Well first of all we as people do need others, we as a people are social beings. I could not constantly be without others in my life, as I am some what a “people person”, even though at the end of the day I am by myself and can be quite comfortable with me, even if I am in a relationship. secondly no one makes me feel anything, unless I permit them to, I must say though that I disagree that your comment that “The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good”. I do not hold this belief in the context you are speaking, I hold this belief in that I have I believe been out on this planet to give to others not to take from them. see I can need others and not live to them or for them, for example, I play drums in a band, I need the other musicians, that is I need them to complete the song arrangements and to play there instruments right and on cue and in the right note etc…, I need them to keep time, which is my role as a drummer, but they need to follow and keep in sync, so I need them to work with me and vice-verse, yet each of us is separate from the other, it is when we work in collaboration with the other that the music sounds right and in time that is “Love”. the same can be said about ballroom dancing, as I also do this, I need my partner to follow my lead and she need me to lead her, we can not ballroom dance without each other (sort of a funny looking thing to watch), dancing is “love” and “romance” in step, so I perceive such. I do agree that most people do blame others for how they feel and how they act, and yes this is the cause of a lot of needless arguments; however; unless I had others how would I grow as a person, so therefore; I need others to point out the things that are tripping me up and point me in the right direction. “no man is an island unto himself”. Agreed that most people give “love” for selfish reasons, as you pointed out to make one feel good, but that does not mean that the person doing the good act is being selfish because he/her is feeling good about doing something kind for an other they care about. I do agree that real love is found as I said before in giving something to someone and not expecting anything in return be it time, a hug, a gift, a kiss, or whatever it may be, (self sacrifice) and yes I am going to feel good for doing these things, but that does not make me selfish because I feel good about giving these such things to an other, it makes me human. A misconception is that one who is acting selfish is self-centered, let me illustrate by using food as example eating is a selfish act, no. I eat because when I eat I am thinking about me, my hunger and the need to get filled so I can continue living, therefore it is selfish, but does that make me self-centered, no, why? because it is not who I am anymore than going to McDonalds makes me a burger. Back to your point. Are you aware that the mind can only think on one thing at a time. there is a story in India about a about this guy who came through a village selling gold. what he did was set up a cauldron and poured some powder into the pot, stirred it up, then poured it out and revealed that he had made gold, what the people did not see was that he used slight of hand and dropped a gold nugget into the pot. there was a man who purchased the formula from this guy, and as they were separating ways the guy who sold him the formula told him that if he ever thinks about the “red faced monkey” he would never make gold, story is that he went insane trying to get the “red faced monkey” out of his mind. point is that what ever you think about gets you, what we focus on determines how we feel, thus how we act. as true as it may be that “The mind creates more suffering than what is” point here is that it is about focus, if you do not want to feel bad about you change your focus, personally I as a christian I think about God and that has changed how I think and feel about myself, as in my perspective he greater then “I”. I have learned more about loving others when I stopped putting others last. So I need others to love. Now not that other complete me or that they dictate to me who I am, but rather without the need to love them I would not grow as a person, as I said in my last comment “real love” is sacrifice. Unless one loves an other for who they really are, regardless of what they do or do not do for us, or regardless of there point of view or whether they agree with us or not. than we are not really loving them, but rather dictating to them who they need to be for us, and then we are not letting them live, or be who they are and need to be. rather we are telling them how to live and yes we are manipulating them because we want to control them because we are selves are insecure and yes to needy, but the neediness your talking about differs from the neediness I am speaking about, in that needing someone to control so one can validate his/her own worth and needing someone to help. one tears down while the other lifts up. Now yes I can truly say I do not “need” another in that I do not “need” them to validate my humanity, as I live from purpose not for permission; however; I “need” others to complete my purpose, and that is to love them, to give of me, to help them up when they are down, not kick them. You know the problem is not with others it is with us, as we live to have other validate who we are, we look to others to tell us who we are, I ask then if they do not know who they are, what are they telling me about me? Should I listen? Should I trust there judgment. another question is that if I do not know who I am should I be listen to me? but because we have had others tell us who we are we think that is who we are and so we listen to that voice, but is that really who we are or just the tapes of an others voice. But we do listen to these “tapes”, because we are looking for “validation” but let me tell you until you find it you will be looking for it and you will be “needy”. So we look to a program, or a “guru”, or a “drug” be that literal drugs, or chocolate cake, or TV or the gym etc…, and do not forget we need to change our selves so others can love us, so I do agree that when we say I love you we are saying “please love me”, but that is only because we are looking to get our needs met by others and when they do not meet them we get mad at them and blame them, but then when we can not meet our own needs then we turn to other things such as our “drug”. or we escape into ourselves and we withdraw from our world, and then we push others away because it is better to be alone and not have to perform for the love I need than to live for and to others and have to perform to get my need for love met. Then when we feel we are ready to perform again and we have “tightened our belt buckles” and “pulled up our boot straps” we go out and perform for others so they will accept me for me, but “God forbid” that they find out the “real me”, so we put on masks and pretend to be what we are not. Because we are to afraid to show who we really are because we fear rejection and so we perform for others so they won't reject us, but then we push them away first because it is better to reject them before they hurt us. right, wrong, it is a vicious cycle, sort of like “make up sex” get into an argument and we point out other peoples faults because we want to avoid the real issue, as it is easier to dance around the issues than to solve them, because if we solve the real issues in the relationship than what else do we work on, so rather than just loving each other and enjoying each others company we create needless problems so we can manipulate the other and make the other person feel bad so we can get out of them what we want, right again wrong then we go and we say were are “sorry” but we do not mean it, we just wanting to control them and we keep taking from them and sucking them dry for their love, gee I wonder why there is a 50% divorce rate, because well “no one is going to give it to me so better we just take from them what I want” this is self-centeredness. You know the wrong thing have been taught so long that even the wrong things sound right. thanks for the forum to express my voice.
I have only just discovered this site and cannot believe you answered a nagging question in my head, the net does work in mysterious ways!! All I did was put 'loneliness' into the search engine and there you were to answer my questions. Thank you for the article, a light bulb just went on in my head!
Wow..Came across this at exactly the right time…thank you!
Caroline and J, thank you for your comments
WOW.thank you sooooo much.
This article opened my eyes.I have been feeling soo low past 6 months.I felt lonely,ewen to I have a husband and two beutiful kids,but still felt lonelly and not loved.but now i after reading this i andurtstand that I dont realy love my self and I have to learn to do that .thank you again.
Hey Louise, very glad it helped.
You're welcome!
@louise Great that you also felt the wonders of Albert's wonderful writing. Just remember its not something you “need” to do either
Or you could fall into the trap of forcing love to yourself which really isn't love.
Excellent article! Makes lots of sense to me and explains loneliness in way I've been thinking of for a while.
For me it's a long road to loving ones self and it's an entirely personal journey.
Day to day worries drag so many of us down the path of not being content when alone. For me nothing beats a trek up a mountain, the wind racing across my face, rain streaming down from the heavens or the sun showing it's glory makes me thankfull of my existance
To feel truely at peace with one's self is a glorious thing!
Thanks for the insights Albert
Snow Crash, thanks for your kind words! It is a glorious thing, like you said – and often lost in the day to day living. Good to have you here.
Thank you for this post .
It really is food for thought and made me question myself on so many levels .
Hey ..thanks a ton.. It has been 10 months I broke with my partner and it is of quiet repetitive pattern in my life and this time I decided to halt and search lessons of my life which Iam running away from and to whatever it takes…and to my goodness .. I could discover this Crunching loneliness of mine the core factor for many disasters in my life… I try confront whenever it appears ..beleive me its so diffcult to accept very feeiling ..But your words gave great clarity and confidence..hope so I'll be shortly off from this loneliness
@ Neil: You're very welcome!
@ Vijaya: Hey there – thanks for your comment. Don't despair at how painful loneliness is, loneliness is one of the biggest and most painful obstacles anybody has to overcome, so once you're free of it, it's really amazing.
i want more articles,beacause i feel all times alonely
Hi Anisur – it must be painful to feel that way. Could you try what is suggested in this article? Maybe that will help more than just reading.
Beautiful Article!
I have felt loneliness from the day I was born and that is what this article is trying to reach at. That we are all “alone”. That is indeed our nature.
Everything else we do here is just a temporary illusion into which we have trapped ourselves.
I'm 26 and still single. Society might consider me abnormal since I should be looking for that “right person” and settling down.
I might do that eventually but I know for sure that no matter what happens, my loneliness will always remain with me till the day I die.
It's something that has been with us human beings from the very start. Yet we all want to escape from this inescapable reality. ¿Por qué?
I think to escape from our inherent loneliness is the biggest crime we can do to ourselves.
We should embrace it rather run away from it.
Beautiful comment Awais, thank you!
it is amazing that such wisdom was written by someone so young. i have always struggled with feelings of loneliness, depression and disconnectedness and can't imagine how life would be without them. for me, it has only gotten worse with the digital age of cell phones, email & facebook. i am very glad i found this website-thank you Albert for taking the time and effort to help others with your expertise and experience.
Hi Mark – thank you for that compliment, and I'm very glad that I've helped.
Another amazing article Albert. If your not getting good monetary compensation for this in some form or another then someone needs to have words with the man upstairs.
For this truly is an invaluable service you are offering humanity.
I spent my childhood at joyful ease with my aloneness. It wasn't until I got to school and started listening to the “grown ups” of the world as they told me : “Now, a few things. Your going to need a car – a big shiny one, a house that is most likely bigger than your neighbours, a girlfriend who will eventually become your wife with whom you will probably have a divorce because you found her out of a sense of separation/desperation and not one of unity, a dog.. if she doesnt take it in the divorce, ohh and lots of money, in fact this money is so important that you will walk over your own mother if necessary in order to get it. Now in order for you to be happy, these things are absolutely neccesary! Now go out there and get to it”
I'm pretty sure everyone has had a similar life experience. And it was only after attempting to pursue those things after buying into their ridiculous meme that my once natural joy and happiness disintegrated into the pursuit of something that could never be found outside of myself.
In a world where almost half of all marriages end in divorce (Uk, Ireland) Is it not starting to become obvious that people are seeking out a partner in the wrong manner, with the wrong emotional and mental state of mind. Doing something because you feel lonely, by the very laws of the universe, can only result in you eventually ending up at that place of loneliness. You do indeed reap what you sow.
Once again, it brings joy to my soul to see someone write an article with such wisdom and purpose.
Namaste brother,
Enda
Enda, you know exactly what to say to a blogger, blush blush!
You hit on a very important point that – that happiness does come from the inside, and we're wasting our energies if we seek it on the outside. Again, thanks for an insightful comment, your contributions are very welcome here!
great article albert. really resonated with me and helped me see things a lot clearer. thanks for posting this
Thank you Hemal!
This was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for these compassionate words.
You're very welcome Michelle!
Hey Albert, thanks very much for the article. Its very well expressed and written in great style presenting excellent content. It presented me with a new view on loneliness and romance. Muchas gracias.
I would just like to ask about the documentary which you watched on “host” sub-culture. May I know what is the name of the documentary or perhaps where I can find it? I'm quite interested.
Gracias!
Hi Panda, thanks for your compliment
I can't remember the name of the documentary as it is quite a while ago – one of my readers managed to find it, and I thought it would have mentioned it in his comments above this but he didn't.
I think he still reads comments on this article, if he does maybe he can jump in and help out.
The Documentary is called The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief.
Thanks Alex!
Unbelievable piece of writing. Priceless thoughts captured and translated into words. I mean, to still receive comments on a blog entry made several years ago really says something. Bien hecho.
Glad you liked it Frank – surprisingly this article was one of the fastest for me to write, as I just poured everything out after a painful breakup / recovery. I'm also surprised it's still going after so long.
Probably because it addresses questions and feelings many of us struggle with. I'm curious, once your breakup passed and your heart mended… When you read it back, did you feel the same? Would you be able to write it free of that pain?
Definitely, I would write the same article, but maybe in a slightly more detached tone – I think this article is very heartfelt, which is perhaps part of its appeal.
Ya veo. Voy a comprobarlo.
Thanks Albert and Alex!
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