孤独 - 作者：浪漫的开始
当我们在我们孤独的深处，是安慰我们什么 - 什么也可能采取从它我们走？ 什么，真的？ 所以很多时候，感觉像在没有安慰，像我们从我们自己的影子运行。 它是真实的，在某种意义上。 没有被单独逃脱。 我们总是孤独。 但是有一个出路的孤独。
我们所有的努力都在逃避孤独根本性的缺陷，因为我们不明白了什么，我们正在从本质。 也有一些是你的寂寞美丽。 而当你看到，当你承认这一点，学会喜悦，那是当你内心的东西的变化。 当你变得孤独寂寞 - 这是自由！ 这时候，你才能真正开始爱 ！
碎裂的整体性和搜索
正如奥修曾经说过 - 首先是要承认孤独。 孤独是我们的真正性质，我们可以永远，永远，而不是被孤立。 我们这个世界里来，我们离开这个世界孤单。 而在这两者之间，只有我们两个人 - 但我们疯狂地躲避它，由它运行，假装它是不正确的。
我记得在分析一类的依附风格心理测试一次。 其目的是探索如何确保我们在我们的关系。 这些问题之一是：“你是否喜欢你觉得要完全融入另一个吗？”
房间里爆发成一个尴尬，笑声犹豫不决爆裂，这样的一个问题。 这是多么荒谬！ - 他们似乎在说。 但我仍然沉默。 一个旧的记忆让我吃惊，我记得感觉相同深度的寂寞，一次，一个很久以前。 或者，它从来没有真正离开我 - 一个异化如此之深，唯一的出路似乎是真正到另一个人融化。
感觉截止中午在一个人群中，感觉只有一个女友拥抱时，总是在外面看生命研究。 我记得我看着同学。 在他们的脸上看 - 它似乎像很多相同的感受。
这种异化是人类生存的普遍困境从未放松 - 从来没有在家里。 它推动着几乎所有我们做的事。 孤独与分离，是内在的，我们的永久部分自我 。
在非二元性的教导，许多宗教和哲学的核心，信息很简单 - 我们都是无限的，始终存在，永恒的生命的一部分。 我们都深深地相互联系，不可分割的。
自我，那么，是普遍的幻想，夸张的感觉，“我”，而我们所有的孤独的根。 就目前我们觉得我们是“我”，这是我们创造的时刻“不，我”，其他的一切东西。 我们成为一个片段，切断了其他的存在。 我们在这个世界上成为一个点，由上帝遗忘。
这种分裂意识，对一些 - 也许那些谁也不会笑的演讲大厅 - 是有意识的。 它显示了作为一个整体不深，常意义上说，没有足够的。
对于其他人，那些在测试谁笑了，这个意义上说是无意识的。 他们缺乏的东西，但他们不知道它是什么。 于是他们寻找，拼搏，奋斗，但所有的时间不知道它是什么，他们正试图填补。 越来越多的财物，更多的性生活，更多的地位，更大的权力，更多的认可，更多，更多，更多。 几乎所有的努力干这个自我完成的驱动器。 但它是所有徒劳 - 我们的精力扔了一个无底洞。 我们正在努力实现的事情是非常引起我们的不足。
浪漫 - 新的酒精
浪漫也许是最常见的掩盖了的碎片感。 如果我们是孤独的，它必须有意义，我们需要一个特殊的人！ 逻辑和寒冷，像商业交易。 一个男朋友，女朋友，情人，一个人，任何人！ 我们必须减少他们仅仅支付我们的痛苦用UP - 没有从酒精滥用不同，我们的电视，或杀害的电话时的噪音，直到下一次我们能够与人 - 好像我们有这么多的时间，以杀死！
性别是最近我们可以得到一个物理水平统一性，这就是为什么它是如此深刻的满足感。 当我们放眼我们的心更深入，碎片显示为一个需要重视，要坚持，融化和合并。 有多少人对这种情况，良心何在？ 这是多么普遍的异化原始感？ 共同足以显示在一个标准化的心理测试。
因此，我们期待有人能带走的感觉。 当我们与别人有，我们可以关闭该背景下的不和谐感我们的脑海中。 突然间，我们的存在似乎意义。 “我并不孤独！”你惊叹，你拥抱，拥抱，亲吻。 “我有我的人谁需要，谁想要我！ 我很漂亮，我想，我值得！ 我不再孤独！“
然而，仅仅掩盖他们永远都是被。 即使我们与我们的亲人，我们仍然只是因为我们是 - 孤独。
几个星期前，我在看一个“主机”次文化的纪录片，在一个富裕国家的夜总会地区。 它围绕着英俊的年轻男子 - 打扮俗丽，训练有素的诱惑，给予特殊的酒吧休息室左右。 他们主办的妇女众多 - 通常年轻人，漂亮，富有 - 谁对他们的公司，他们的爱抚薪酬，他们的空闲奉承。
这部电影的重点，特别是在市区中最好的主机 - 一个迷人的男子谁拥有自己的酒吧。 他是生活的梦想。 他与其他男人妇女实力作出比较苍白。 他偷了妇女离开丈夫和男友。 妇女打在他身上，有时身体，有时扔在他钱，他又是另一种每天晚上回家。 看来他将是地球上最后一个人感到疏离。
在接近年底的纪录片，我记得面试官问他是否是值得的。 他挂起他的头和叹息。 “这是所有的头几年的乐趣。 但过了一段时间...我不知道。 没关系了。 我是世界上最孤独的人。“
美丽的孤独，寂寞和悲哀
如果爱情和性别，如果金钱和名利和认同提供任何援助，那么做呢？ 当你在孤独的心痛和阵痛，就什么都好统一性和相互存在的教义？ 除非你可以体验他们所指向 - 他们怎样安慰你？
漂亮的字来填补你的头，然后关闭并打开书看你的床上，并发现它的寒冷和孤独，因为它是以前。 如果我们能永远不会孤独，怎么办？ 我所能提供的是一种观点的变化。
另一位来自奥修报价，那么：孤独是美丽的，它是美好的。 孤独是悲哀的，它是绝望。
从表面上看，他们看起来是一样的。 但在现实中，他们是天壤之别。
孤独是我们的本性。 孤独是我们运行它拿走。
你是孤独。 为什么要成为一个问题呢？ 把你的寂寞放松;到您的悲伤。 不要从你的孤独，因为它是永远存在的。 庆祝孤独，在自己的喜悦，在你孤独的舞蹈。 如果你不能，那么你将永远是逃跑。 爱自己 。 这是唯一的出路。
简单地坐下来，和寂寞。 不要去想它。 只是觉得 。 放宽到它，然后你会发现，你的悲伤有其自身的神圣性。 独处是一个完美的机会让你进入你自己更深。 查看所有的细微之处，面对自己正视，并在所有部件凝视你不想。 这一切带来了进入你的意识光，并接受他们，爱他们。
我们到城里去了，走进办公室，进入夜总会，运行我们的孤独。 教师，大师，禅宗大师 - 他们进入山里走，使他们能够更好地熟悉它。
那又如何？ 然后呢？ 一旦你对自己的喜悦，然后 - 只有到那时 - 你能真正的喜悦在其他。 这是一个悖论，在世界上最大的之一。 只有当你不再需要一个情人，那就是当你能找到浪漫。 还有什么是假，一个苍白的模仿。
被需要和被人爱
一个骗局。 这就是整个的浪漫游戏。 谁是我们的“浪漫”真的？ 我们，和我们孤独。 我们说 - 我爱你。 但是我们真正的意思是 - 请爱我。 操纵一切的。
操纵，以填补我们的差距，所以我们可以感受到爱，感受到需要。 事实上，我们来到混淆这两个词 - 被需要，对我们来说，是在恋爱一样！
我的一个朋友向我抱怨某事很奇怪。 她的丈夫已经开始发现孤独的乐趣。 他已成为冥想，更多的内容悄悄地快乐。 他爱笑，他和她在一起，但他也开始享受他的孤独的时间。 他开始认识到，没有什么不足，他不再需要她感到完成。
她开始去疯狂。 她开始担心，她的猜疑开始压倒了她。 为什么他如此满意，这么高兴？ 什么是孤独的，他在做他的在公园里散步？ 是否有另一个女人？ 她跟着他，但他没有做错任何事情 - 他刚刚走了。 她暗中监视他时，他仅仅是在研究，但他没有做错任何事情有任何 - 他是打坐，阅读，祈祷。 没有禁止的爱，没有奇怪的迷信。
“为什么？”她哭着说。 “这是怎么回事？”为什么她不高兴？ 这将是一个更好的问题。 他不再需要她和她的感觉是爱他掉下来。 但他没有 - 事实上，他爱上的第一次。
困乏是如此普遍，我们认为这是一个浪漫的爱情的迹象。 但是，贫困程度简单地说 - 困乏。 这需要将永远不会感到满意，没有人 - 不管多么可爱，漂亮，美丽，温柔，奢华，细心 - 可以永远爱你的自我的方式，它希望被人爱。
充其量，您将得到满意的一个时期 - “蜜月”阶段，当你在爱“，”当一切都似乎完美的美丽。 你的存在似乎意义，因为有人需要你，爱你。
后来有一天，您的需求和不安全感 - 基本，原始的碎片感的症状 - 提高他们的头上了。 或者，也许它只是似乎这样 - 他们一直在那里，我们只是忘了他们一段时间。 这就是开始时的论点，因为我们认为这是其他人的过失。
“你应该让我快乐！”你哭。 而甜蜜的微笑和亲吻开始挥杆其他方式。 我们变得难过，我们没有攻击他们使我们快乐，我们将给予我们更多的操纵他们。 也许他们让步，并进入甜美的钟摆摆动回来。 也许他们不这样做，我们打破了在眼泪和愤怒。 这也似乎是正常的。
但是，这不是他们的错。 没有人能够拿走我们的分离，除非我们原始的感觉。 但是，我们不知道，所以我们就抱怨，拉弦去。 我们忘记了，唯一的办法是，要在满足自己感到满意。
孤独的人不能爱，他们只能假装，因为他们没有什么可给。 他们只给一塑料爱，希望有人会真正爱的回报。 一切都成为巨人的游戏，一个国际象棋比赛。
但是当你不再需要被需要，当你真正停止那些想成为通缉，这时候你把孤独寂寞的变化。 而你开始看到爱。
献给所有那些谁是或曾经孤独和疏离。
误解
这篇文章也许是最被人误解我曾经写文章，所以我想澄清一些常见的误解在这里：
- 孤独 - 这是从孤独分开，两个不同的东西。 我们的物理性质，是被孤立。 我们永远不能，而不是被孤立。 即使我们做爱，我们仍然相对身体分开。 不过，这不是一个问题，它不仅造成悲伤，当我们运行远离它。 当我们从我们的本性来说，我们的事业我们自己的孤独痛苦...但是，当我们承认和接受我们的本性，我们发现了孤独的美丽。
- 而从孤独，那是真正的浪漫的开始。 我不是说每个人都假货爱 - 我说孤独的人做，因为他们不能爱，如果他们的需要。 爱是需要的正好相反。 一旦你不再需要，那是当你可以找到爱。 有许多谁做真正的爱;有许多谁不期待任何回报 - 但是这些是谁发现孤独的灵魂。
- 一旦你已经不再是需要的，这就是我所谓的孤独，那是当你真正去外面的世界，找到一个妥善的浪漫和关系。 否则，它很可能是困乏，附件 - 而不是真正的爱。 这就是我说，我已经多次指出，在整个后 - 真正的爱情不能来自孤独。 我不是说我们永远都应该是单独，虽然有一定没有什么不妥。
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哇艾伯特。
哇 - 有钉子的地方卫生组织头响。
显然，一旦你真的这样看，但显示出真理的洞察到它写
并再次哇！
非常感谢你直流和约翰，现在我得阻止了我的头嘿嘿嘿它。 只是在开玩笑。
哇...你自己也不甘示弱。 辉煌的写作。
不仅为内容，但风格和纯粹的口才。
我说，'让它到达你的头'。 你值得庆祝。
触动的心弦，你处理了孤独与爱非常普遍，心wrenchig问题。
上帝保佑每个爱你
对自我，统一性，
其他的是你和所有的美，这也是你。
继续下去的旅客。 照明和共享。
非常感谢努尔。 你是一个真正的诗人，这是一个美妙的诗那里。 谢谢。
嗯，我能说什么呢阿尔贝？！
这是你最好的文章，提出一个很好的跨越。
我也喜欢在最后的奉献
保持我的朋友
Arvind的
您好阿尔贝：
这是一个不错的文章。 我已经几年对孤独之间的差异，这对我来说，缺乏与孤独，说这（对我）现在取得相当理想的。
和雅Arvind的和尔鲍，非常感谢
。 它的灵感来自于一个我在过去几个星期了，很高兴地看到，我有好东西走出来港灯数经验。
雄辩和洞察力，书面伸出，触动你，美丽。
非常感谢您本，很高兴你喜欢它，真的。
美丽的，深刻的，非常及时的。
谢谢蜂蜜。 很高兴见到你左右
。
我最大的成就之一，今年是爱上我和我自己福利。 生活永远是一样的了！ 谢谢你的提醒。 这是美的。
爱与感恩，
蒂娜
不简单的。 是决定性的。
感谢蒂娜，伟大的认识您 - 我们将移动到电子邮件的谈话，是啊？
“浪漫也许是最常见的掩盖了的碎片感。” - 不能同意更多！
在主机感谢冒险！
它听起来很容易写，但我想这是内斯的观察和见解和反思抽签产生这篇文章。
好..保持良好的工作！
你做一遍。 你写一个真正伟大的文章。 早在1993年，我做了一个油画（我没有在所有的绘画训练。我还以为是什么）是空虚，寂寞，在我的中间是觉得很空洞。 然后我写了几句话画。 在这里，他们是：
当起初我看着你，
我叫你空。
但现在，我看着你，
我看到你很充分。
里面是黑色的墙壁颜色红色和绿色。
红色和黑色是愤怒和愤怒的混合物。
丑陋的绿色灯罩是永远存在的恐惧。
这是什么感觉我寂寞。 我觉得这真的很深刻。
有一次，我学会了爱自己，我不再觉得这孤独。 从自爱，正值是一个美妙的时间由自己开支与自己的孤独的承认。 你猜怎么着？ 今天，我爱我是谁时，我花了自己的时间。 由于当时与我自己花了，我能爱我的丈夫，我的孩子，比以往任何时候都更加深刻在我的朋友。
帕特里夏，再次证明你的手，让您的诗博客等不可抗拒的。 它不只是我说，我听说很多人说是完全一样的东西太多。 感谢和分享所下降。
动漫，为感谢评论 - 以及没有回答越早道歉，你对此有何评论进入垃圾邮件自动部分。
哇 - 多么伟大的文章。 这打动了我这么多，因为我的每一个字识别。
谢谢亚历克斯 - 很高兴见到你周围，好朋友。 很高兴你喜欢它
我的小蒙再次辉煌。
我要分享 - 我的婚姻破裂后，我被深深伤害... ...和愤怒。 我讨厌每个人，包括我自己在内，尤其是男子。 在一个黑暗的两年期间，我与我的核心重新认识自己，我是谁，我想，为什么我等这一天我醒来，并决定再次是居住生活的一天，我的生活真正开始。 它开始soooo孤独，但我喜欢它。
我变得很开心，因为我选择了幸福。 我变成了我自己和我自己的公司舒适。 我独自走了出去，独自笑了单独吃饭（当孩子们在他们的爸爸的）。 然后该死的，我不希望或已为别人的时候，我会见了保罗。
天哪我...我以为我已经恋爱过，但我怎么可能被人爱，如果我不爱我第一次。
我现在才知道，因为我拳头团结发现，拥抱寂寞。 带来的孤独我说。
M
谢谢分享梅根 - 永远爱听到这些个人的故事。 和一个伟大的想法。 这是有趣的 - 我一直在阅读一些其他反应，这篇文章在其他地方也有不少人误解了我想说，感谢这么肯定，我已经做到了你的权利
嗨〜伟业
刚刚愈合了从读您的文章嘉年华。
好样的！
我同意你的100％。
大家分享什么是“真正的力量”的情况，有时危及他人的信仰...。但是这是个好东西！
谢谢你这样说。
我会回来看更多。
要十分清楚，
罗恩
罗恩，谢谢你的好评和我说什么，做支持你，我真的很感激。
令人惊奇的文章。 我很喜欢阅读它几乎一样多，我喜欢阅读奥修的杂志和书籍。
这部分所有的话说：
如果人们能够理解这部分，没有人会感觉哭了出来，感觉被骗，等：
约5或6个月前，我曾经感到孤独的时候，完全厌倦这种生活。 但在读的书“奥修：一种突发性的冲突雷”，我真的享受我的孤独。
奥修一个我最喜欢的报价：“当你不需要在所有的人，当你完全足够你们自己，当你可以单独和非常高兴，欣喜若狂，那么爱是可能的。” -职业安全及健康
阿维纳什，感谢了很多的赞誉。 我是一个大风扇，以及奥修，他在一些事情在我个人的一种安慰，然后激发了我的文章。 由于停止了
多么正确！！ 我什至不知道什么东西aloness它存在于我和我喜欢独处！ 所以，真的...。 我面对我的悲伤，寂寞的时候，发现到aloness ...。 即使我不知道我发现了错误的自由。
丹，我很高兴你找到自由 - 这是一个伟大的感觉，是不是？ 虽然我只看到了它的一鳞半爪，到目前为止，这是我真正想要更多。
所以，我认为这是不准确的。 这是一个概括的想法，假设没有人比另一个自我的幸福爱其他原因。 还有人在那里（即使这可能是很难相信的作家），爱和不填补他们的'空虚'或孤独意向关心其他人。 爱是不总是对的人特别希望结束你的寂寞。 有时它是对诚实有爱心和关怀的东西没有回头看。 我不同意这个文本，因为它大部分是在特定情况下，不推广到所有人类的（不过，我知道如何努力才能被认为在这个世界上还有人不适合此类别成立。但也有）。
嘿胡安 - 为感谢评论。 我认为，我们对同一件事情。 我相信有些人在那里谁为爱而爱的。 但是，这些人都是谁变成孤独寂寞的。 如果你是孤独的，那么所有你的爱是用来掩盖它。 如果您已接受你的孤独，那么所有你的爱是真正的 - 就像你说的。 因此，我认为我们非常非常关注同样的事情。
一个伟大的文章。 矛盾的是，它是当我们完成自己的看法，包括ourself零件，看到支离破碎和孤立的，我们可以真正开放自己，我们的整体性。 正如甘地曾经说过：“两端是手段”。 你不能否认任何实现自我的一部分整体性。
聚苯乙烯。 我把我的职位，是指同月比较， 该无效
对无效，马修 - 一大后，我完全同意。 那里留下了评论。 由于停止了。
我真的很喜欢这一点。 我不知道，但我相信这一切...让我重新整理的。 我不想相信。 如果这一切是真的，我深陷困境。 我真的不知道怎样才能过真正的爱。 也许是假爱whats最适合我。 我不知道。 这声音极坏/伤心，但我实在看不出我什至可以享受，当时我什至不喜欢独自一人。
我计划让奥修的书在评论中提及。 希望它有一定的帮助。
嘿1 +1 ...感谢您的评论
。 我相信，喜欢自己，爱上你只是现在 - 是你生命中最重要的事情。 路更比一的关系重要。 路更幸福的了。 你可能会在爱与孤独在这个系列的文章有兴趣，我已经去深入那里。 检查它在文章页面。
http://www.urbanmonk.net/articles/
位阅读，但你真的喜欢自己，然后你就可以幸福
爱的花，特别是可能与您相关的。
阿尔贝，我刚刚发现你的网站，不能停止阅读你的文章。 你有惊人的洞察力。 谢谢你这么多，你的想法/字来我在完美的时机。
嘿南希，好有你在这里，并感谢您的夸奖
亲爱的UrbanMonk，
我创造了你的寂寞与浪漫的文章摘要，并设置一个对我的电子商务对孤独拼贴完整文章的链接。 我发现你的依恋与浪漫的意见是相当燃烧弹和困难，但毫无疑问贴切。 我邀请您访问的洞察力what4.wordpress.com感谢我的电子拼贴。
珍妮特麦克莱兰
珍妮特的链接感谢。 这照片...我不知道，如果是令人不安的或有趣
。 很想听到更多关于为什么这篇文章是燃烧，但。
不过，我觉得图片不安。 对我来说，它看起来就像是在现代世界，是领导的证明。 很多人都生活在一个隐藏的矩阵，这不是隐藏在所有如果你有空闲时间看它像一个甜蜜的毒作用。
等等，他们有足够的时间来观看自己被困在一个矩阵创建自己的想法，但他们不想照顾！ 为了'时间，电视节目，远远超过他们的生命更重要。 他们可以在一年内读小说100年代的浪漫，但对个人发展阅读一本书太borrring ..
阿尔贝，你看过“黑客帝国”系列？ 这家现代化的世界是类似于矩阵。 唯一不同的是，人们在此生活的现实世界矩阵并非由单一的'控制强大的电脑'。 他们控制的超级强大的电脑又名十亿人的头脑。
可悲的是，这么多的人不想照顾，如果他们控制自己的思想或是正在控制他们的头脑。
阿维纳什，你碰到一些我一直在思考，并与其他一些博客说。 为什么你认为是这样？ 为什么你认为人们花时间抱怨，或失去娱乐的心态，而不是那么做不满的东西/寂寞？
我读过一些自助书籍，不过我并没有准备好内部。 他们会有什么改变？ 什么是推前，有人站起来，为自己需要的责任/
首先，感谢提出这些问题！ 虽然我不是一本主题专家，我也花了很多时间研究人类行为。 从我所学到到目前为止，我可以告诉大家，目前这一代不能愈合/治愈。 原因非常简单明白。
因为他们的父母曾经做同样的事情？ 因为每个人都做了同样的事情在我们的社会？
答案可能有点可笑，但如果真的想控制他的思想和生活，他要离开这个社会，花一些时间在丛林独自几个月。
而要充分意识到，如果他想找到真正的幸福。 刚刚尝试观看了一个小时的活动。 你会意识到你在相同的旧思想矩阵损失。 这是相当困难的留在这个现代世界意识。 这就是为什么建议在丛林中度过几个月。
嘿阿维纳什，爱这个讨论！ 我读的地方，我们是在不断震动一切众生，而我们之所以不与某些书籍点击是因为不兼容的振动水平。 听起来很奇怪，虽然。
我同意独处的东西，看你的头脑，找到你真正的自我。 我一直孤独的我在过去的一年可以，而且它改变了我的内在生命，谱写了许多关于孤独最近。
然而，如何激励他人找到一个真理，或找到自己呢？ 改变他们从别人谁坐在那里抱怨，需要的人谁负责？
大答案：你不能指望一个'友好事业的行为从一长大了野生老虎可能很容易培养出虎宝宝一起生活就像一个可爱的宠物人类却是相当难以改变老虎本性的长大了。
Something similar applies with us humans. We've developed a society that is sick. Just spend a day watching a thief and you'll realize who is faultier if a girl's purse is gone in a snap. Sometimes, they don't even realize unless they need to pay for something. 为什么会这样？ Because people aren't conscious at all. People are walking on the streets but they don't have an idea about what's going on inside their brain.
Today you've asked this question to me but trust me, I've tried too many times to make many people understand why they should spend sometime alone, watching their own activities, concentrating their minds on their own thoughts. While a few guys (15 – 21) tried my suggested techniques, the people in 23 to 50 age range appeared to be ignoring my suggestion. Many of 'em even ended up making my joke. That's why I wrote in my previous comment that the current generation can't be healed/cured. In fact, I even tried to convince my parents but no use.. Finally in 2001, I realized that changing yourself maybe easy, changing others is not and have been living alone since then.
Short answer: Instead of trying to make the grown ups understand the fundamentals of life, humanity, etc, we should concentrate our minds on the new generation. Kids will understand, grown ups will not. And the people who understand these things are exceptions, aren't they?
PS I'm gonna spend sometime reading your articles on aloneness.
详细的评论嘿...感谢！
嗯...我相信每个人都有可能改变，年龄无关，用它做。 我同意，我们只是提出，并把假的思维方法，但社会化。 我想也许是强烈的个人创伤的原因，我们开始找到理由去改变我们的思维。 像有些人不如何改变他们的饮食和运动，直到它们变得太为自己的好脂肪。
再次感谢了讨论。
我很高兴！
顺便说一下，我并没有说这人是不是有潜力change.I只是想指出，大人模样usually往往忽视这些基本原则'事业的重视停留在same为年向社会病态。
在您以前的问题的答案是藏在你自己的答复。 请注意你写什么？
“... ...不会改变。 直到他们变得过于..”
是的，这就是答案。 这是人类的本性。 Just like people don't change their diet and exercise until they become too fat for their own good, people can't be convinced to focus on the fundamentals of happiness until they become too sad.
I see many people reading self-development books but are all of 'em able to change themselves? No. Even if they try, they can't change themselves until they reach an extreme state. That “too fat” in your example is an extreme state and my experience says that one can't remain in an extreme state for a long period of time. Then the fall is certain. Once you fall, you are ready for a new start.
I hope it made any sense. If it didn't, sorry for wasting your pixels.
不是所有的阿维纳什，我爱你的见解。 为感谢所有
另一个优秀的文章，阿尔贝。
因为我相信我们是一个角度对所有单点上下一心，那么我们永远无法真正的孤独。 我们的分割意识提供了孤独的幻想。 我们甚至不单单身体，因为这形体是错觉。
“我爱你”通常会被用于操纵意识或无意识的，但它肯定不是“一切的。”
我会同意，在结束我们的爱情是绝对热爱自己的另一个方面（因此，我们爱ourself），为了体验这种崇高的表达水平之一，必须充分集中和从事此时此地..给予充分爱一个，我们在这个细分的意识（），表示愿意。
和平和奇迹，
企业管治
企业管治，这是美丽的。 谢谢肯定我的文章，以及我只是想告诉你。
In case you haven't read it, Osho's autobio is quite intriguing: Autobiography of a Spiritually-incorrect Mystic.” As far as spending time alone, many people forget value is found in learning to listen to the self. Often, amidst the hustle-bustle of modern society, the choice to explore meditation, retreats or other areas of spirituality, can be like rebirth and renewal. I would encourage anyone who hasn't yet to give it a chance.
非常好。 我爱奥修。 是他的自传只是一个故事，还是包含的教训？ 太多了我的阅读此刻板！ 再次感谢Liara。
阿尔贝
Standing in a house full of people during Christmas over 2 years ago this horrible suffocating darkness penetrated my soul and even with all the “close” people who were attending, I felt a loneliness so deep I had to walk out of the house. It was as if I were the only one standing there amidst a home full of mannequins. Time stood still and this was when I realized how “lonely” I was. The beginning of a journey on a dark path, but would later become brighter. For some reason I was thinking about some of the old “Eagle's” songs, just now…Must have been a sad time for the song writer. Their songs now resonate with happiness…
Hey Amanda, thank you so much for sharing. It's always beautiful to hear from the personal experience of others, and I am glad to hear that your path has become brighter.
I think that what you wrote above is extremely hard to achieve. Especially, when you are a woman and when your biological clock is ticking so loud that you can't sleep at night. It would be very nice to accept my loneliness, but how can I turn off my biology, in particular my hormones which shout that time is running out for me? To accept my loneliness is to accept that I may never have a baby. It is much easier for man, because you don't have this kind of pressure over your head…
“Why?” she wailed. “What is going on?” Why was she upset? That would be a better question. He no longer needed her, and to her it felt like he was falling out of love. But he wasn't – in fact, he was falling in love for the first time. “
I am confused on this one. I thought that unconditioned love aims to make your loved one happy and not miserable. I think your friend became self-absorbed and it upsets his wife. If you love someone you will not leave them falling apart while you are enjoying/discovering yourself. He could talk to her and explain what he is doing. He might also add that he loves her and will not do anything to upset her. And I bet because she loves him very much too she will let him to do whatever he needs at this time.
To be alone is not natural for a human being. Evolutionary speaking we are social animals. Dog, for example, is a social creature as well. Dog will always seek a company of other dogs, no matter what, because they are wired this way. And they will suffer tremendously when they are alone. Does a dog have an ego? 我不认为如此。 Humans are wired this way too. This is our evolutionary trait – we have evolved to be social beings. And you lie to yourself when you say that it is desirable, beneficial and normal to be alone.
As mentioned in the story, my friend's husband loved and laughed even more when he was with her – he gave even more than he normally does. But why was he able to do that? Because he didn't need her anymore. And when you don't need someone, that is when you can love them. Need is clinging, love is freedom. That is all I am saying.
I am not saying that it is normal to be alone, I am just saying that once you stop needing someone, that is when true love is possible.
And that is when, paradoxically, it is more likely for you to find someone. When you need someone, and you keep telling yourself that, then your neediness will be very obvious. Potential lovers will sense this, and unless they are also needy, they will be subtly repulsed by this.
That section, as I've titled it, is more about neediness. Neediness is not love, we just confuse it a lot.
Thank you for your comments, if anything is not clear, please let me know so I can clarify further.
Thank you for your answer. However, I insist that we are needy because it is rooted deep inside of us. It is in our genes. The neediest of our ancestors had better chances for survival. We were selected evolutionary for that. Female has to be needy not because of her ego, or anything like that, but simply because her offspring will have much better chances for survival and fruitful life with a support and love of man. How can you stop it? Can you change the color of your eyes? Well, not by wearing contact lenses, but just by meditation? I don't think so
Hi Valex, thanks for the discussion, I love it. I'm not sure what neediness has to do with survival? I've found that the more needy you are, the more a quality mate runs from you. It's the way most relationships go, one chases, one runs. The more you need someone, the more they tend to run away from you. Of course, I am not a relationship expert, this is just from my personal experience.
I don't know, but I have definitely been able to reduce my neediness and loneliness, simply because I've stopped running from it. It's not so much a meditation, it's more an acceptance, which just slowly dissolves all these needy feelings – which usually stem from a sense of inadequacy. And the less needy I am, the more opportunity for love I have found.
The second factor is this: if you are needy, you don't see the other person as a human being, for who they are. You see them simply for what they can do for you, which is very selfish. And selfishness is the opposite of Love. Once you stop being needy – “make me feel good, make me feel sexy, make me feel worthy” – then you can simply accept them for who they are, and not what they can do for you.
Would love to hear what you think on this.
Hmm you seem to have edited your comment to clarify your definition of neediness as I typed up my reply
。 Okay, I think the disagreement is because we have different definitions of neediness.
Yes, women need men, and men need women, to pass on our genes. Without this, the human race would be extinct. But that is not my definition of neediness.
I was thinking more along the lines of the type of guy who jumps on every woman that comes along “please love me, I need you!”, or the girl who jumps on every guy that comes along. This type of neediness, taken to the extreme, is usually called desperation. And it is common knowledge that desperation usually reduces dramatically your chances of actually finding a mate.
The problem is, most people recognise desperation, but not the “lesser” forms, mainly because clinginess is seen as “normal”. Everyone is clinging to someone, but the root of that is selfishness. Love is about the other person, but if you look closely, a lot of our relationships are based on this sort of clinginess.
Even if we say that I love so-and-so because he or she is the greatest kindest man or woman alive, many times (not always), it comes back to us. They are the greatest, so I am also great by proxy. Either that, or I don't feel happy, I feel lonely, I feel abandoned, so please be with me, so I can stop feeling this way. Very often it comes back to our loneliness or feelings of inadequacy.
But once you let go of these needs, then you can love the other person for who they are. And because you are not desperate, you are far more attractive. I'm really enjoying this discussion, thanks!
I am sorry, but you even further supported my argument. You see, one of the evolutionary strategies for a male is to spread their genes and inseminate as many females as possible. So the “clingy” female as you put it, is a definite obstacle to this strategy. That is why males sense it and run away from it. There is another strategy, but it seems that fewer males choose it. This strategy is quality vs. quantity, ie fewer but well invested and cared for offspring which will have much better chance of survival than numerous and abandoned sons and daughters around the world.
I am not sure yet if the true love exists, but I suppose if it does, than you can not be considered clingy by any means. If you truly love each other, you enjoy each other, you want to be together, etc., both of you. Everything else is just not love, I am sorry. It is a power struggle, unrequited love, games, allowing other to be with you, being afraid to be alone, so grabbing anything that comes along, etc (here I agree with you
。 If somebody considers you needy he/she does not love you, period! The whole neediness argument goes away the moment you have found MUTUIAL love. And then you can not be needy enough 
Unfortunately, I seriously doubt that the true love is out there, so for now the case remains open….
Hmm… okay so we agree on the second point, let's put that to rest. I do believe in true love, but I respect your opinions, so that's that.
Let's return to the first point – I'm not sure what you mean with that. You're saying that a man wants to go out and spread his genes. If he is clingy, how can he do that? He'll just latch onto the first female that accepts him. Of course, this applies to both men and women.
You seem to say that a clingy woman keeps a man from going out and impregnating other women, but at the same time you just contradicted yourself (unless I misunderstood your meaning, which is entirely possible) that being clingy actually drives them away, which actually makes it more likely that the guy will find another female. Either that or the guy will actually stay, which means he has no other choices, ie he is needy himself.
The only people, male or female, that really have any choice / possibility to find love or a quality lover, are those who are not clingy.
Yeah, this is a paradox poor females have to face. They can't help being clingy (biology), yet drive guys away by being clingy. 怎么办？
As for a clingy guy, I don't really know….Maybe its because he wants to make sure that if he is going to invest into that particular female, the baby is better to be his?
I still do not belive that you can be fine and alone. 对不起！
“This sense of fragmentation, for some – perhaps the ones who couldn't laugh in the lecture hall – is conscious. It shows up as a deep and constant sense of not being whole, of not being enough.”
Absolutely right on, couldn't agree more!
Thank you PUA!
This is one of the best articles I've read on this topic.
And I'm grateful to you for that.
Thank you Boat, that's very high praise.
I know it has been said a few times by now, but yeah, wow. Albert, you are truly a skilled writer, and not only that, you're damn smart. I'll have to go through your whole archives some day, I guess they're filled with wisdom like this.
Alex, that is one of the best compliments I've received for the blog. 非常感谢你！ I really enjoy your blog very much too.
大后！ A person can be among lots of people and still feel lonely.
Loneliness hurts and if love can help, why not?
Being alone, IMHO, is not being lonely. We need to be alone in order to sought out our thoughts.
Anyway, good to read! 谢谢。
Thank you Gary! You're 100% right – almost every great person (by my own definition heh) I know has been through a period where they were completely alone and sought inward – and they've come out of it transformed.
Ahh, that was a great post to read. I like people who think and make others think. That's what You made me do now ^^
I agree to some extent, and I got myself some great discussion ideas from You. I will refer back to this page too…
In my small experience, I have lots of friends who can't understand my calmness(/philosophy), though it's nothing special. I believe it's quite close, maybe the same, with what You call “aloneness”. I don't mind being alone, nor do I feel bored/lonely by it. It's maybe even the opposite – I feel calm and free just sitting under the sun doing nothing special…
Thanks :]
Marin, thanks! I think what you have there – that calm – is certainly something special. Many people need to distract themselves whenever they are alone, because they can't stand to face what arises when there is nothing else to think about. That's amazing to hear that you have that calm.
喜。 great article you have here. and great discussion too! 感谢。 bookmarked! i'll be back…
I sometimes feel this loneliness,
what should I do, continue to feel it until i realize it's an illusion,
or will the ego continue those sad voices?
Also I already read that human are social animals….
excellent article by the way
Hi Chicago Movies and Need, thanks for the comment. Loneliness, like the other emotions, will pass once you stop fighting it. Some people are chronically angry, they might take a while to relax into themselves so all the anger is released; others are generally happier and take only a short period to do the same – it is the same with loneliness, it depends on the individual, but it will go. And then you can be social again
I want to feel complete.
I think it's true that lot of todays love is approval seeking.
Being dependent;..manipulation.
So I will let my sad ego voices be, and observe them then..
Thanks Need, try the Blossoming of Love post for a bit more on this!
there is no need to be happy, since I didn't already achieve that.
but will check the post you advice me
how old are you albert?
albert = you who wrote those articles?
Yeap, I wrote them, and I'm 26. 为什么？
Hmm, couldn't help to barge in, sorry.
NEED, your reason to feel incomplete/lonely seems to be love, although you do realize what you need. It seems like you bring that loneliness to yourself. So if you do, why not fight it.
Well, yeah, I admit there are sometimes in which the sub consciousness is unbeatable, until the moment you let it go, yet that can also be seen as a way of fighting. Completeness in first place is something that people bestow upon themselves. Like having a girlfriend, than loose it, and the bed seems too damn big now, like it is missing parts. If you do not stop thinking of it that way, the bed will always miss parts. (//for example)
Wishes are something greater than they seem. When you wish to be lonely, you can, no matter if it's based on emotions, loss, will, in the root, there is always the wish for it. When your wish becomes a daily feeling, a habit, just observing it won't help much, because the reason to be lonely will no longer be one of the respectful reasons. And than, you have to find your wish/motivation/will to change this.
Realizing one problem is way off solving it, I think you know that. But running away from a problem, although is not the best, still IS a solution, much better than dragging it along all the way. Life isn't that long, and it's bad enough, to bring “bonus” bad feelings like loneliness upon ourselves.
Now, sorry if I my comment isn't on place, sorry if I've gone off topic in someway, and sorry for my not-good English, I hope the spell-check will help though.
Have a nice day ^^
By working, being busy, focusing outside on something, those sad feelings go away.
And when I do nothing, ego voices start to come again.
So I have 2 solutions : being busy, or do nothing AND let go at the same time.
thanks guys
This is probably the most insightful thing I have read in quite awhile. The points you have presented are very true too, at least in my opinion.
This is coming from a guy who's still in high-school with all that hormones and crap going around and im just glad it's almost over for me.
Thank you for the article.
Hey Halden! Good to have you here. Hormones are nearly over? I'ma decade out of high school and still have raging hormones hahaha!
Hi-Thanks for your thoughfulness. I'm very good at indentifying flaws in an argument or a concept,so I am happy to say there are none in yours. You don't succumb to verbosity or any other device aimed at seducing the reader(not an easy feat!)-it was very succinct and balanced. More importantly, it helps the troubled mind ( like mine) in this difficult area. I've tried to fill this void( what I thought was a viod with all the typical methods you refer to. Your clear thinking is really a description of reality or truth,which, while painful intially, ultimately brings peace and of course the potential for 'real' love. Thank you for giving of yourself.
-Jason
Jason, thank you for the very high praise. I'm very grateful, and glad that it helped
wow!!!!!!!!
i started reading the article and couldn't move till it was over.
really a great job albert!
Even it reminded me some of my past days.
the image is very touchy.
loved it.
干杯！
Thank you Sunny, that's a really great compliment
Very insightful… I am citing this article for a paper I am writing… Thx
Thanks Kevin, that's probably one of the biggest compliments I've received
That was some nice writing.
Thanks Eddy
This is the first time I am hearing of “Aloneness” but I think I see your point. Thanks for this nice article.
Thank you Wilson
wow I'm seeing life in a whole new perspective. Thank you very much Albert! I hope you write more
Thanks Elizabeth!
阿尔贝
I think Im starting to look at things differently after reading this article!….thanks for helping me understand what lifes really is!..Thank You soo much
Thank you Sabrish
Love this article, always known this theory inside myself after i experienced my first break up. Its some insight i'd really like to share with other people.. but i think that people have to come to this conclusion to themselves to actually be able to take it in. Trying to tell someone this in my opinion is pointless. But anyway love it and i believe every word of it is true!
Thank you Laura! I wrote this article after a period of heart break too, hehe. It's funny how we hit the same deductions after going through the same things, isn't it?
Hi Albert,
I found your article after being deeply hurt by my husband. I feel I made a mistake and married the wrong man. I believe I am stuck in this marriage (at least for now) and I am soooooooooooooooooooo unhappy and alone. We dont live together and he wants it that way. There is this deeeeeeeeeep and nagging heartache that just wont go away. It criples me and drains my energy it ruining me of a quality life.
Your article was quite soothing and encouraging. It sounds like there is hope for me afterall. I have tried all sorts to make it go away like going out or talking endlessly on the phone to friends but then the relief is only temporary and comes back once I get home or hang up the phone.
I do agree with you. I am very needy. I have a STRONG need to be loved and wanted and adored and appreciated and I am not getting it. I ahve shed tears and endless number of time without getting any comfort. My husband simply ignores me or walks out. I made a VERY big mistake by marrying him.
I will definitley try all you said and get OSHO's book.
Just want to say thank God for people like you and to let you know you are very lucky at your age to have this depth of wisdom. I wish you all the best in life!
Thank you very much for that heartfelt comment, Tee. Do let me know how you get on. Try the emotional mastery series for your neediness too (it's under the start here page).
you have beautiful written on Romance , feels like you are much experience on this subject
A word from The Mother (Sri Aurobindo Ashram):
'The wise is never alone. He carries in his heart
the Lord of all things.”
Im confused,
Its incredibly good, very well written but it doesnt make sense to me.
Are you saying that the guy was lonley? But why was he still lonely? If he had the women to like him when he didnt need them?
And you say the need to be needed is lonley then what is Love?
I dont get what are you saying.
We need people though we cant do it all ourselves
answer me this please
The guy that had all those girls money and all that couldnt he say well I dont need to be needed anymore.
Walla one of those girls could be real love?
谢谢！
I'm not sure what your question is? The guy was lonely because sex and money doesn't satisfy loneliness for very long. For a while, yes, but after a while most people will feel lonely again. Love is when you no longer need to be needed. What that feels like, is something that has to be felt, not described
Alright me and my friend discussed this and its just beautiful, Its priceless the key to everything that was suppresed making you believe that is right.
For that I lost all the respect I had for Enrique Iglesias,
All his songs are flawd thanks to you
Saying I need you.
I thought I had to change myself to get people
I felt bad when I didnt. Lonely
But it was just all my unconscious mind trying to get needed
(by the way what is your take on this?) tips?
Something that will never be satified even if I succeed
It all poofed away when I read this
But couldnt the guy said I dont need to be need anymore and walked away?
Couldnt he stop being lonley if he knew what do you think needed to get to his mind?
Do you think giving him this article couldve helped him for example?
Or what needs to get to people's head to stop bieng lonley?
Thank YOU!!!
I guess it was just me trying to get accepted, but what does it matter now. It only feeds into them.Trying to fix my image.
I just dont get why I would try so hard?
Why didnt I just accept just where I was?
Guess I was sitting beside the guy, but didnt get up there.
Guess I wanted to be needed more
Somebody to tell me who I was
The only thing Im mad about is pushing myself so hard to get no where ( I dont know what can you tell me that part so I dont feel this feeling?)
I dont need them to make me feel a better person cooler in this case.
Now to this day I can finally breath .
Thanks to Albert
No I dont think I need an answer for this one I think I got it, but you could give me some other interpretations.
Glad to know this helped
it was comforting to read your article to say the least. i am still unsure of the distiction between loneliness and aloneness. i think a sense of lonliness dawns on us primarily owing to either the loss of love or the absence of love. I have been wandering all my life for someone – anyone to love me. The feeling of loneliness has only grown with time BUT…. what it has done for me in return is to recognise my flaws. Flaws which are inborn – which are instinctive, not something one can have control over and mend deliberately. I would probably call them my nature – so to speak. What is loneliness??? A feeling that would arise only when you want to be wanted and loved. The most common thing it leads to……..Self Pity – its a great addiction at times something that would even surpass the concept of love. I find it difficult to imagine how one can be happy in this state of mind. Happiness is relative. You could be happy having found your soul mate but then again give it time and you would find it in the most absurd things. Something that made you happy a few years ago may not evoke the same emotion now. But what is universal is the need to be needed, and more importantly a sense of belonging. Thats been the struggle of humanity. One could get philosophical about life and try and “look at the larger picture”. But who really knows the real purpose of our existence??? Behaviour, Reaction, Instinct, are really what defines us. Loneliness is brought about by the simple fact of nature – to co-exist. So would'nt one be fooling oneself by trying to accept a state of loneliness and masquerading it as aloneness. Don't get me wrong, the article is a masterpiece – another perspective. all I can say is that 20 years of being alone – having explored myself and uncovering my personality – I still feel alone. Not to say that I'm unhappy, but yeah…. I would want to be with someone to share my life with.
Mentioning the monks who took to the solitude of the mountains; Having rediscovered life and unearthing spiritualism, there is still a need to connect, to communicate, to share.
I totally agree with you on the concept of “I”. but that is what defines us as individuals. Which is why we love people distinct from us.
Having said that – the utmost important consequence of being alone is the ability to LOVE – more than one's own expectation. And that as per me is the best state of mind – to feel happy in making someone happy.
Hey Axe – thank you for that detailed commentary. Regarding aloneness vs. loneliness, I don't think there is fooling involved. If you have a need then you are lonely, plain and simple. You can fool yourself but not other people who know you.
艾伯特
Humble apologies. No ill-intent. Just adding a different perspective in-effort of understanding all possibilities.
Oh no Axe, don't misunderstand me. I wasn't offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way. I was just presenting my opinion, just like you were
I have been struck for a few years now about the difference between loneliness, which for me, speaks of lack and solitude, which (to me) I wasn't offended at all. Sorry if it came across that way.
No need for email correspondence.
But I would like to say, thank you for sharing your insightful thoughts on this issue. I am learning each day to really love myself more, and be intertwined with this issue of “aloneness” rather than “loneliness.”
There's more work to be done, but I'm sure I can finish it up. Thanks for giving some light to this issue.
Thank you for your comments David and Reprimand
I think for the last five years ive been living through a revelation of this deep and i must exclaim sorrowful and dark feeling called loneliness. I know loneliness can be responsible for untold other self depreciating values we put upon ourselves, or we attract from others .If we can accept we are powerful and alone, and happy with our aloneness all can be easier much more honest and fullfilling when in the company of others. As the relationship is not based on a lack mentality of we are not enough and that my ego needs nurturing.Thanks for putting this site together and giving your time sharing very valuable spiritual understanding about our really simple souls living in complicated surrounds and times. 阿德里安
Hey Adrian, thank you so much.
Hi, I stumbled onto your blog tonight, via your flagship Ego post, via a Google Search. Read about 5 articles, all of which were great, and this is my first comment. I love your site and your writing. 跟上伟大的工作。
I had to re-read several passages of this post, in order to make sure I fully understood. Before, I would plow through articles & books just to finish. I think I had too much pride in myself (I kind of grew up with a “perfect child” identity). I think and hope this is a sign I am becoming more aware of my Ego.
In the short time that I have been on your site, I feel that I am already becoming much more aware of, and learning about, myself. I will subscribe, I will be back, and I will definitely look forward to more of your work. 谢谢！
Thank you mate.
阿尔贝
伟大的文章！ I definitely understand the difference between loneliness and aloneness. After my divorce 1.5 years ago, I mentally made it a priority to strengthen my love for myself and my aloneness. I did this through starting meditation, kickboxing, etc. However, I also pushed to not feel “lonely” financially and professionally, resulting in moving too quickly into a business I was not ready for (too young for at the age of 26 and ironically focused on holistic health), which caused a ripple effect of difficult situations that have taken me away from the place of developing a deep “love affair” for myself.
I am seriously considering taking 1 year starting in the fall, and teaching English aboard somewhere. And, take this time to be outside of my normal world of surroundings to be truly with myself and focus on my creative expression (art and photos), daily spiritual practices, being with myself without the pull of the television, etc. It was what I originally wanted to do when the divorce happened and my soul has been asking for it ever since. Some of these things I will start doing again here hopefully in the near future once I move into a temporary place.
I feel boxed in working in front of a computer 40 hours a week. I have always loved teaching and instructing, and I think this may be a way for me to rekindle this part of myself while taking a breath of fresh air among others of a different culture. Plus, I have always loved traveling!
What are your thoughts about travel as a part of one's journey to experience a deeper love for themselves and becoming more comfortable with their aloneness? Any thoughts on making this a powerful step in healing and discovery?
Hey Julia, thank you for that heartfelt comment. I think if you like travel, go for it! I think it can expand your perspectives – sometimes seeing new things can “jolt” us out of our old mental patterns and give us a little taste of freedom
I guess I've never realized the necessity for attentions with love. i know that sounds obvious but it just never struck me.
“Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.” I love it! What a great description. Thanks for your insight.
Hey Beverly, thanks a lot. I can't claim credit for it though, it was inspired by a beautiful book by Osho.
Nice piece of writing – great insight. Many of us would feel better if they got the chance to read that.
Thank you Dinora!
Wouldn't you need to give just a little fake love for a relationship in order for it to work? Or do you just Love and do it for the other person and expect nothing in return, but in that case that would be stopping you from future relationships? If you want a reltionship though you have to give thy fake Love no? 你知道我的意思？
Thanks Albert Cheers!
Why do you think you have to give fake love in order to have a relationship? Why would just loving stop you from future relationships?
I've heard you're not going to have it if you don't want it. And it ringed true. So how can I Love if I want it? To want you have to “love” or fake love becuase you're always expecting something in return. if you don't expect something in return then nothing is going to happen I've heard.
Thats why I'm all pshycd up 
。
Just give it a shot, see which works for you
I was once in this kind of situation. I felt really alone and like I doesn't belong. But soon I realized that nobody will love me as much as I love myself. like the lyrics in the song “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” Nice article.
Thanks Joseph!
Amazing article … jus got no q's unanswered after reading it … articulated so beautifully about all aspects … just can say W:)W !!!
Thank you eyesflux!
Wow, a very wise and eloquent post. You've really nailed the contrast between feeling loneliness and feeling alone. It seems almost cynical to view romance as a way to assuage loneliness, but I realize that I do that kind of thing, also. Amazing article.
Dear Albert,
Thank you for this beautiful article. I really loved its simplicity.
To other readers, I'd like to say: this article will not make sense until you've tried what it suggests.
If you want to take one message away from this article, I'd say it should be this part:
“Simply sit down, and be lonely. Don't think about it. Just feel it. Relax into it, and then you'll find that your sadness has its own sacredness. Being alone is the perfect chance for you to go deeper into yourself. See all your subtleties, face yourself squarely, and gaze at all the parts you don't want to. Bring it all up into the light of your awareness, and accept them, love them.”
And herein lies the crux. To make this effort of looking into yourself:
1。 You need to be perceptive enough to realize what you do NOT have.
2。 You need to understand if you are only in love or in a relationship for what you're getting in return.
3。 You have to realize that as you drift from one relationship to another, the only thing that stays the same is your feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness.
4。 Most important, you must be desperate enough to want to get out of this cycle! Most people are not. They'd rather bounce from one failed relationship to another, wasting this precious existence, squandering all their potential.
And, mind you, looking into yourself is not easy. It follows on from the last point that:
5。 You must be determined enough to go through with it!
Now introspection is not hard by its very nature. In fact, it should be the easiest thing in the world to do. Unfortunately, we make it difficult. 为什么？ Simply because we're not used to it. We're far more used to judging ourselves, to fighting our own nature.
When you first start to look into yourself, it is so easy to get sidetracked by what is not germane, so easy to pin blame on others. It is very hard to see the 'flaws' in yourself, to accept yourself as you are (why did I put the word 'flaws' in quotes? Because what you see as flaws are not really flaws until you reject them. If you try to conform to another person's idea or even your own idea of how one should be, it is a flaw. When you accept it as your own nature, it IS your own nature — not something to be changed or 'fixed').
What happens when you start to accept yourself in totality? You start to see why your relationships failed. 如何？
1。 You see whether you were in love only because your partner assuaged your ego by condoning your 'flaws' or pampered it by applauding your 'virtues' (I put 'virtues' in quotes for the same reason as I did 'flaws').
2。 You see whether you fell in love only because you saw in the other person an image of what you thought you should have been yourself. Why did this happen? Because you didn't accept yourself in totality. By selectively picking parts of yourself as 'good' and condemning the rest, you've divided yourself, you've negated your self-worth.
3。 When you accept yourself as you are, something else that is magical happens. You learn to accept OTHERS for what they are. In totality. This is a new, wholesome kind of love. It is qualitatively different from clinging, from needing, from run-of-the-mill crushes or sexcapades. 为什么？ When you can accept all facets of another person's character, you stop trying to change them. Equally importantly, you stop trying to change yourself. You stop trying to make reality conform to your image of it.
Complete acceptance brings a whole lot of other wonderful things. It gives you peace, it gives you a new appreciativeness for life, for how invaluable the time that we spend here is. But really, you should try it for yourself to understand. Until you do, these words will just remain words. They can only give you an inkling of what waits to be discovered.
Hey Neeraj. 哇。 I don't know what to say, but honestly, this is perhaps the best comment I've ever received on this blog, or at least in the top three. Thank you so much for it. Your deep understanding and intent to help others is very evident.
This entry…I am at work reading it and I am a receptionist. People coming in and out all the time…and this entry almost made me cry because there is so much truth in it.
Beautiful..absolutely beautiful.
I don't love myself….but now I really know it and I plan on changing it.
So thank you.
Thank you so much for that heart felt comment Jackie. 我很感激。
This is the first time i feel the sweetness of being alone.
This article has been a great help, thanks!
You're welcome Reem
Hi Albert, this article is quite confusing to me because what you are trying to say is not very clear to me. At one point, u say,”Aloneness is our nature” and then in the comments to Valex, u say, “I am not saying that it is normal to be alone”. Which is true and which is not true?I am confused now…
Hi V, thanks for your comment. OK, here's what I mean. 孤独是我们的本性。 Even if we are with someone we are still alone. I believe true mental and emotional health comes from being 100% comfortable with admitting this, and 100% OK with being alone. However, this is a VERY HARD concept for many people. It challenges everything they believe in (kinda like when some people say we don't need to be rich to be happy, a lot of people will get very defensive over such a comment).
My comment to Valex was directed to him and not to everyone in general. 为什么？ I toned it down a little so he doesn't reject it outright. When I said that to him, I was encouraging him to try it. I didn't want to get into an argument which would be useless. But if I said “NO YOU ARE WRONG WE HAVE TO BE ALONE”, then it's no longer a discussion (given how strongly he feels about the subject), he'll turn it into an argument. Which I don't want. And would just be useless.
Plus some people take things too far. I do say it's the beginning of romance but people forget that. We have to be comfortable with aloneness and not need a partner before we can have genuine romance (I believe). There are many things I would want to do (such as have kids, for instance), that would require a partner. Finding aloneness does not mean giving that up, which some people are misunderstanding me to mean. (They think I'm advocating no human contact for the rest of their lives – if you want that, cool. But you don't have to.)
Once we are 100% comfortable with alone, it is a sort of freedom. And then we can go out and have as many relationships as we want, but with a different quality as we are no longer clinging to them.
Hope that makes sense.
oh ok…thank u for yr quick reply Albert
…tc
I have another question, Albert, sorry to bother u again.When you say, “Our physical nature is to be alone.” what does it mean exactly?Does it relate to us having a physical body?
I can't remember haha! I think we can interpret it both ways… no matter how close we get to another person (physically or emotionally) we are always alone. For instance, even when we are having sex, it's a merging of two bodies but we're still two separate people. Even if we have a lover we are with 24 hours a day, there are things we can't fully share. If I told her, for example, that I feel horrible. She can't really share in it, the best she can do is to imagine what I feel like. There are still many things we have to face alone – going in for heart surgery, for example. Stuff like that.
Brilliant, this is the stuff that every should know and should be taught in education. If there's a link for the 'host' documentary, could you send it me please, as I feel it would help me break the viscous cycle of wanting women to make me happy (this is a pain that many men go through to the women who might be thinking I mad)
Thank you very much, buddy! I can't remember what the documentary was called, since I wrote this so long ago. Er… I think I saw bits and pieces of it on Google video. Try searching for host clubs or host bars or something.
This is all too true. You have said everything I did not want to hear, and everything I needed to hear.
“Lonely people cannot Love; they can only pretend to, for they have nothing to give. 他们只给一塑料爱，希望有人会真正爱的回报。 Everything becomes a giant game; a chess match.”
Just recently, I told someone I loved them. I never did fall in love with him, but I loved him, nonetheless- or so I thought. I said to him those three jaded words, and I told him I expected nothing in return. I did not wish for him to love me back, or to even accept that what I had told him was the truth. I just wanted him to know I loved him.
But this is not the case.
I did not realize it, but now I see that, subconsciously, I was wishing he would give me love, to fill the void my previous ex had left. Now, whether or not I loved the previous ex is unsure.
Whatever the case, I did not get what I wanted. And so I fall back into the state of loneliness that I know so well.
Hi Anna, thank you for your comment. It is somehow quite poetic, so I really appreciate you sharing it.
I just read 'love and aloneness' and then this. I agree, but I don't see myself surpassing my lonely depressions. I love myself, and go off alone for hours once a week, but I always miss the joy I get from talking to people I care about. Your saying that I'm filling a broken nature in humanity, and I will agree with you, but I think bonding with others does fill the void. I think a man/woman is born with something missing and loving another fills it. I can be contempt with myself, but never be able to be complete without helping another. I think we will probably agree to disagree, and that is okay because I feel we're on similar wave-lengths, but please tell me if you indeed do have a rebuttal.
Hi James! No problems at all. In fact, one of the readers above said much the same thing and I had a nice discussion with him. Scroll up a few comments (to Valex) and see if anything in there needs further comment
Woke up in the middle of the night feeling both alone and lonely. Started Twittering and somehow ended up here. Amazed to see that a post started in 2007 is still going strong in 2009. So I read, I comment, and I notice that a kindly aloneness can, when we least expect it, turn into a haunting loneliness. It is perhaps our most unifying trait, this feeling of inner and sometimes outer isolation. So we read or write or talk or DO something to distract ourselves. Loneliness never completely, entirely goes away for good. It can sneak up on any of us. I think the trick is to accept it, as you said, and know that like every other feeling we have, “aloneliness” too will pass. Thanks for sharing your insights on this timeless and universal topic. The day is starting to break, and I feel better.
Hi Brenda, thank you for that comment. I think we all know the pain of a lonely, sleepless night, so thank you for sharing.
您好阿尔贝
awesome, I have written a lot about unrequited love and lonelyness, but I you REALLY carved it out and turned it into a masterpiece.
I have never read Osho – which of his books would you recommend reading first? This got me interested.
谢谢！
标志
Hi Mark, thanks for your kind words. His book, Love, Freedom and Aloneness, has affected me deeply and the quotes from this article are from that book (from memory, this is an old article).
您好阿尔贝
thanks for your ultra-fast answer
Im heading over to amazon and order it right away.
I just discovered this site and have read some of your fabulous articles. All are beautifully written and inspire me! This one hit the mark on where I am right now ( guess that's why I found it!) – learning to truly love myself, enjoy being alone and knowing that this is the true path to having a healthy relationship when it is meant to be. Thank you so much for expressing where I want to go and helping me stay on track when I go back into the dark “loneliness mode”. I will be coming by more often and trying your techniques. 再次感谢你！
Hi Carol, that is really high praise, thank you!
阿尔贝
Thank you for writting this inspirational article, this was exactly what my heart needed right now.
萨拉
My pleasure Sarah, glad it helped.
您好阿尔贝
By chance I came across your website. And while reading thru another article posted on your site, I came across this. What you wrote is so true. The fear of being lonely can drives one to do stupid things. I am one of those people. But I am now awaken. I could really relate to what you have written. Indeed a wise man!
Metta,
Yan
Yan, thank you for your comments – you're making me blush. I'm not really a wise man, I wrote this shortly after a breakup.
I wish I had read this a long time ago. I've made too many mistakes by playing the part of the girl who slowly went insane from her longing. Loneliness makes time shrink, leaving me dry. Aloneness makes time feel infinite, vast and deeper than the deepest ocean.
Chris that is one poetic comment!
BRILLIANT!
Thanks Crystal
This is such an important piece of advice for me, especially as I'm going into adulthood and learning how to be a man, aswell how to bring more of that little thing called happiness into my life
。
Thanks Albert
Jag you're welcome mate!
Thank you so much for this amazing article, it opened my mind and my soul.I am dealing with some heavy stuff in my life ,so glad that I found your article , I am sending you good vibes.
Hi Niloofar – you're welcome, and good luck with the heavy stuff, it's never fun.
Al, I found your site tonite and look foward to reading more! I understand all you points, can you tell me what our true attraction to others should be. I understand non duality and helping others “helping others is helping myself”(or is that just my ethics I need to uphold for my ego, but thats for another day) my ? If we can find contentment in ones self, what is the point of life long monogomy. Is it that if we can give up our attachment and needing of afformation we can truly enjoy the things that are given to us. I may be answering my owm question. but hope to hear your thoughts. If we are a cup, inside is our needyness, if we need not, anything we recieve will overflow to enjoy.if we are needy our cup will never stay full. got to go to bed
Hi Chad, thanks for your question, but I think you're right – you just answered your own question
This is why I appreciate the unexpected things my wife does so much(because I dont need it) The paradox is that we start to expect them.
Could you really love someone who never shows you signs of love back or not have an equality of intrest between theirs and your own ? Is that somthing that is defined in an individual relationship? Psycologist say love is esential for child developement, why not adults
Hi Chad, there are different types of love.
The Great Happiness Space – Tale of an Osaka Love Thief
Is that one it? Even if it isnt' its good.
Hi Alex – thanks for digging it up. The guy in the poster looks familiar although I honestly can't remember as it was so long ago and I was sorta forwarding along bits and pieces that I found boring. I'll try and get my hands on this one
Just beautiful…laying quiet in the knowing..:)
Thanks Brad
Brilliant, I think I am on the verge of understanding myself. For many years I have been in love with a woman I can not have, I have been chasing a white elephant ever since, (you know what I mean)trying to fill this void with different things, buying things, doing things, going out socializing, drinking, just to escape reality for a while. I am good with people of both sexes I get on with everybody, It's just this one woman I am completely hung up on, it's like running into a brick wall, my stomach turns over whenever we speak, or whenever I think of her.
Nothing I did would make me content, not for long term anyway. I realize now possessions or a person can not make me truly happy, I have to work and be happy with myself, I need to fill my low and empty feelings with better things, that's why I searched and found this article.
If you can give me more advice please do so.
@ Andrew:Read the book http://www.amazon.com/Love-Fre.....amp;sr=8-1
There really isn't anything more than realizing the feeling you have right now, and the thought of being somewhere is what we try to push down. Even if were with someone else nothing really changes. We're that same being. There is this presence that never changes. Try to get in touch with it. After a while though I found out The work by Byron Katie works better. Everything starts with our thoughts. If you think desire, you'll feel lonely. Read on for yourself http://www.thework.com/thework.asp
Andrew, thanks for your courage in sharing. Alex is right this is the vital first step. The rest of it is doing some work – inner work, not escaping it with new relationships, etc. There are a few tools I like, besides the Work Alex recommended. Try the Sedona Method, The Journey, or whatever takes your fancy. The 3 I named are my favourites, but everyone is different, so poke around and find your own. I describe some techniques in the rest of the blog so poke around there if you have some time.
interesting article, some very insight full stuff here, well articulated; however; I must disagree, even though loneliness can be a source of solitude, and even though the ego (self) will never truly be satisfied and yes it always wants more, and more. Getting rid of our loneliness is not the source of our love. the statement Once you stop needing, that is when you can find love. I must abject too, our neediness is what drive us out of ourselves and has us search for something greater than ourselves. it is only when we give ourselves over to that which is greater do we then find Love. getting rid of neediness is denying our need for love. that like getting rid of your need to eat or breathe, and you can't live if you do not do either of these to things. true. If we cut off our neediness we cut ourselves off from being or giving love, yes I agree that people who are living for themselves are like parasites and leach off the love of others (trust me this I know first hand) but when you give your neediness to something greater than your self such as God than you find out what your real needs are and how He can meet them. We each have a need for love, (we'll call this salvation as we all really want to be saved from something don't we?) security, significance, commitment, and assurance. To deny these needs is to deny our humanity and the human experience, such would be a futile existence. The question is where are you finding these needs or how are you trying to suck others dry to get your needs met. as I said I do agree that we as a human race do need loneliness, but we can not live there. The reality of this article is that it is true that loneliness is or can be a source of getting to know oneself, and yes I agree we do need to learn to love ourselves, and solitude can give us that understanding and the chance or break we need to keep going; however; one can not truly love another unless they give themselves over to the one they love, and the one that loves them. the point I am making that this author does not see is that self (ego) can not deny self (ego). because it is selfish, therefore it will not. and focusing on it will only give it power. True love is sacrifice, it is not a fuzzy felling, or some fancy idea that we try to live up to. When you love another you build yourself a cross, because you are giving up on yourself, so to tell someone that you love them does not mean that you are being unreal to say this, but do you sacrifice your self to the other. real love is when your mate hates you and you love them anyways, love is when an other hurts you deeply and you love them anyways. Love is when someone takes something from you and instead of trying to get even or make them pay for their wrong you love and forgive them. do this and you will truly love yourself and others and even this dark world around you, everyone wants to withdraw, or get away from our hurts and our pain, yet it is these experiences that teach our own weaknesses and our own humanity. My parents are the perfect example of this, if any two people who were not meant to be together it was them, they were always going at each other, but yet they were the two happiest people that I knew, why? because they loved each other, they never went to bed angry at each other and they (spite their arguments), also were there for each other when the hard times came (and they will) they stuck together, and when the good times came (and they will) the stuck together. when all seemed hopeless the gave to each other. 46 years of marriage can testify to this. my Dad cheated on my Mom and most people would say leave, but she did not she forgave him and then he got sick once with pneumonia and she took care of him, that is love. self sacrifice. yes embrace loneliness, learn from it, embrace the sting of it, and the pain of going through those times of hurt, but do not live there, you'll most certainly end up alone.
“But when you no longer need to be needed, when you truly stop wanting to be wanted, that's when your loneliness changes into aloneness. And you begin to see Love.” This is your nature that is to be needed and wanted, we all want to be important but it is not meeting these needs yourself it is about meeting these needs in others. showing others that they have significance and importance and there lives have meaning. You know there are two types of people in the world the down and out and the up and out, I work with both and I do not know how many I have met or shared with, what I do know is that all of them all want and need to be loved, so withdrawing from this need, you might as well end it all, cause you wont be living otherwise “what is love with out risk”. Loving others is not about what you can get out of them, nor is it about what you can offer them, it is about WHO you offer them. you know not everything that is true is not the truth, for example this author says ““You were supposed to make me happy!” you cry. 而甜蜜的微笑和亲吻开始挥杆其他方式。 我们变得难过，我们没有攻击他们使我们快乐，我们将给予我们更多的操纵他们。 也许他们让步，并进入甜美的钟摆摆动回来。 也许他们不这样做，我们打破了在眼泪和愤怒。 This even seems normal.” that is true, what is not the truth is that “the only way to be satisfied is to be satisfied in yourself.” what he is doing here is confusing you first he is saying that it is wrong to be needy and then he is saying that you can only meet this need in yourself, so he is really saying that you are needy. that is double talk shrouded in fancy words. I have nothing personal against this author, just that is disagree with his presentation as everything in this life I have lived tell me the complete opposite. It is recognizing your needs. example is this, look at a baby, I am a father, a child is the epitome of selfishness and neediness, let me ask you something is that wrong? I do not think so, children have a need to be loved, if the parent told the child that they need to deny this need and then they will find love, the child would surly die, and then the parents would go to prison for child abuse as that it would be such. we parents need to give love to our children, parenthood is about giving ourselves over to something greater our children. There was a study done using chimps, the put these three chimps in three separate rooms, the first had a wire frame for a mother, so did the second but with some fur on it, and the third was a real mother. the first chimp who's mother was a wire frame died with in a day, the second lived but as they studied it it showed signs of mental disorders and the third lived and grew up to be a healthy chimp. what a crock of bull and people blindly believe this crap. 为什么？ because everyone is looking for love, and instead of giving ourselves to others it is more easier to withdraw and lick our wounds and live in our self-pity, been there done that, got me know where except wanting to kill myself, when I gave up on licking my wounds and living in a downward spiral or self-destruction and got out of myself I found Love but I found it by giving myself to others. I do agree that it can not be found in others as yes it is true that no one can fill your vacuum, but neither can you, only God can. He is what is greater than us. I am not preaching to you, I am just saying something that everyone already knows. Truth is never preached but rather is demonstrated and this world simply demonstrates our own neediness and the vacuum that we want to have filled. the question is how are you getting your bag filled, by the way you can not fill a glass that is already full.
By the way I am not saying that this author is wrong in some of what ha has said, I am just giving a different perspective on things. I am needy, I have needs, I am human, I am imperfect and I have insecurities and failures and weaknesses, but it is in knowing and recognizing, and accepting them that I am my strongest, don't get rid of you weakness's embrace them and then you'll be living.
Hi Lee, thanks for your comments. Please forgive me if I can't make a detailed reply, I've had a very tiring fortnight and I simply don't have the headspace to read and digest all that. I hope you understand. Again thank you for all the thought and energy you've put into it, I appreciate it.
@ Lee The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good. The mind creates more suffering than what is. Without that thought you would just be as if you were on a rollar coaster. Just as in a rollar coaster you forget about love. There is no need to make it complicated.
If you feel pain with the thought I need love work with it with The Work. http://www.thework.com/index.asp
So called love is just a selfish thing. Its never about the other its always about you, and if being nice to someone rewards you over being mean, sometimes called “love” then why not?
Hi Alex thanks for your comment. Well first of all we as people do need others, we as a people are social beings. I could not constantly be without others in my life, as I am some what a “people person”, even though at the end of the day I am by myself and can be quite comfortable with me, even if I am in a relationship. secondly no one makes me feel anything, unless I permit them to, I must say though that I disagree that your comment that “The belief that you need someone is the one that makes you feel the way you do, and usually its not good”. I do not hold this belief in the context you are speaking, I hold this belief in that I have I believe been out on this planet to give to others not to take from them. see I can need others and not live to them or for them, for example, I play drums in a band, I need the other musicians, that is I need them to complete the song arrangements and to play there instruments right and on cue and in the right note etc…, I need them to keep time, which is my role as a drummer, but they need to follow and keep in sync, so I need them to work with me and vice-verse, yet each of us is separate from the other, it is when we work in collaboration with the other that the music sounds right and in time that is “Love”. the same can be said about ballroom dancing, as I also do this, I need my partner to follow my lead and she need me to lead her, we can not ballroom dance without each other (sort of a funny looking thing to watch), dancing is “love” and “romance” in step, so I perceive such. I do agree that most people do blame others for how they feel and how they act, and yes this is the cause of a lot of needless arguments; however; unless I had others how would I grow as a person, so therefore; I need others to point out the things that are tripping me up and point me in the right direction. “no man is an island unto himself”. Agreed that most people give “love” for selfish reasons, as you pointed out to make one feel good, but that does not mean that the person doing the good act is being selfish because he/her is feeling good about doing something kind for an other they care about. I do agree that real love is found as I said before in giving something to someone and not expecting anything in return be it time, a hug, a gift, a kiss, or whatever it may be, (self sacrifice) and yes I am going to feel good for doing these things, but that does not make me selfish because I feel good about giving these such things to an other, it makes me human. A misconception is that one who is acting selfish is self-centered, let me illustrate by using food as example eating is a selfish act, no. I eat because when I eat I am thinking about me, my hunger and the need to get filled so I can continue living, therefore it is selfish, but does that make me self-centered, no, why? because it is not who I am anymore than going to McDonalds makes me a burger. Back to your point. Are you aware that the mind can only think on one thing at a time. there is a story in India about a about this guy who came through a village selling gold. what he did was set up a cauldron and poured some powder into the pot, stirred it up, then poured it out and revealed that he had made gold, what the people did not see was that he used slight of hand and dropped a gold nugget into the pot. there was a man who purchased the formula from this guy, and as they were separating ways the guy who sold him the formula told him that if he ever thinks about the “red faced monkey” he would never make gold, story is that he went insane trying to get the “red faced monkey” out of his mind. point is that what ever you think about gets you, what we focus on determines how we feel, thus how we act. as true as it may be that “The mind creates more suffering than what is” point here is that it is about focus, if you do not want to feel bad about you change your focus, personally I as a christian I think about God and that has changed how I think and feel about myself, as in my perspective he greater then “I”. I have learned more about loving others when I stopped putting others last. So I need others to love. Now not that other complete me or that they dictate to me who I am, but rather without the need to love them I would not grow as a person, as I said in my last comment “real love” is sacrifice. Unless one loves an other for who they really are, regardless of what they do or do not do for us, or regardless of there point of view or whether they agree with us or not. than we are not really loving them, but rather dictating to them who they need to be for us, and then we are not letting them live, or be who they are and need to be. rather we are telling them how to live and yes we are manipulating them because we want to control them because we are selves are insecure and yes to needy, but the neediness your talking about differs from the neediness I am speaking about, in that needing someone to control so one can validate his/her own worth and needing someone to help. one tears down while the other lifts up. Now yes I can truly say I do not “need” another in that I do not “need” them to validate my humanity, as I live from purpose not for permission; however; I “need” others to complete my purpose, and that is to love them, to give of me, to help them up when they are down, not kick them. You know the problem is not with others it is with us, as we live to have other validate who we are, we look to others to tell us who we are, I ask then if they do not know who they are, what are they telling me about me? Should I listen? Should I trust there judgment. another question is that if I do not know who I am should I be listen to me? but because we have had others tell us who we are we think that is who we are and so we listen to that voice, but is that really who we are or just the tapes of an others voice. But we do listen to these “tapes”, because we are looking for “validation” but let me tell you until you find it you will be looking for it and you will be “needy”. So we look to a program, or a “guru”, or a “drug” be that literal drugs, or chocolate cake, or TV or the gym etc…, and do not forget we need to change our selves so others can love us, so I do agree that when we say I love you we are saying “please love me”, but that is only because we are looking to get our needs met by others and when they do not meet them we get mad at them and blame them, but then when we can not meet our own needs then we turn to other things such as our “drug”. or we escape into ourselves and we withdraw from our world, and then we push others away because it is better to be alone and not have to perform for the love I need than to live for and to others and have to perform to get my need for love met. Then when we feel we are ready to perform again and we have “tightened our belt buckles” and “pulled up our boot straps” we go out and perform for others so they will accept me for me, but “God forbid” that they find out the “real me”, so we put on masks and pretend to be what we are not. Because we are to afraid to show who we really are because we fear rejection and so we perform for others so they won't reject us, but then we push them away first because it is better to reject them before they hurt us. right, wrong, it is a vicious cycle, sort of like “make up sex” get into an argument and we point out other peoples faults because we want to avoid the real issue, as it is easier to dance around the issues than to solve them, because if we solve the real issues in the relationship than what else do we work on, so rather than just loving each other and enjoying each others company we create needless problems so we can manipulate the other and make the other person feel bad so we can get out of them what we want, right again wrong then we go and we say were are “sorry” but we do not mean it, we just wanting to control them and we keep taking from them and sucking them dry for their love, gee I wonder why there is a 50% divorce rate, because well “no one is going to give it to me so better we just take from them what I want” this is self-centeredness. You know the wrong thing have been taught so long that even the wrong things sound right. thanks for the forum to express my voice.
I have only just discovered this site and cannot believe you answered a nagging question in my head, the net does work in mysterious ways!! All I did was put 'loneliness' into the search engine and there you were to answer my questions. Thank you for the article, a light bulb just went on in my head!
Wow..Came across this at exactly the right time…thank you!
Caroline and J, thank you for your comments
WOW.thank you sooooo much.
This article opened my eyes.I have been feeling soo low past 6 months.I felt lonely,ewen to I have a husband and two beutiful kids,but still felt lonelly and not loved.but now i after reading this i andurtstand that I dont realy love my self and I have to learn to do that .thank you again.
Hey Louise, very glad it helped.
欢迎您！
@louise Great that you also felt the wonders of Albert's wonderful writing. Just remember its not something you “need” to do either
Or you could fall into the trap of forcing love to yourself which really isn't love.
Excellent article! Makes lots of sense to me and explains loneliness in way I've been thinking of for a while.
For me it's a long road to loving ones self and it's an entirely personal journey.
Day to day worries drag so many of us down the path of not being content when alone. For me nothing beats a trek up a mountain, the wind racing across my face, rain streaming down from the heavens or the sun showing it's glory makes me thankfull of my existance
To feel truely at peace with one's self is a glorious thing!
Thanks for the insights Albert
Snow Crash, thanks for your kind words! It is a glorious thing, like you said – and often lost in the day to day living. Good to have you here.
Thank you for this post .
It really is food for thought and made me question myself on so many levels .
Hey ..thanks a ton.. It has been 10 months I broke with my partner and it is of quiet repetitive pattern in my life and this time I decided to halt and search lessons of my life which Iam running away from and to whatever it takes…and to my goodness .. I could discover this Crunching loneliness of mine the core factor for many disasters in my life… I try confront whenever it appears ..beleive me its so diffcult to accept very feeiling ..But your words gave great clarity and confidence..hope so I'll be shortly off from this loneliness
@ Neil: You're very welcome!
@ Vijaya: Hey there – thanks for your comment. Don't despair at how painful loneliness is, loneliness is one of the biggest and most painful obstacles anybody has to overcome, so once you're free of it, it's really amazing.
i want more articles,beacause i feel all times alonely
Hi Anisur – it must be painful to feel that way. Could you try what is suggested in this article? Maybe that will help more than just reading.
Beautiful Article!
I have felt loneliness from the day I was born and that is what this article is trying to reach at. That we are all “alone”. That is indeed our nature.
Everything else we do here is just a temporary illusion into which we have trapped ourselves.
I'm 26 and still single. Society might consider me abnormal since I should be looking for that “right person” and settling down.
I might do that eventually but I know for sure that no matter what happens, my loneliness will always remain with me till the day I die.
It's something that has been with us human beings from the very start. Yet we all want to escape from this inescapable reality. 为什么？
I think to escape from our inherent loneliness is the biggest crime we can do to ourselves.
We should embrace it rather run away from it.
Beautiful comment Awais, thank you!
it is amazing that such wisdom was written by someone so young. i have always struggled with feelings of loneliness, depression and disconnectedness and can't imagine how life would be without them. for me, it has only gotten worse with the digital age of cell phones, email & facebook. i am very glad i found this website-thank you Albert for taking the time and effort to help others with your expertise and experience.
Hi Mark – thank you for that compliment, and I'm very glad that I've helped.
Another amazing article Albert. If your not getting good monetary compensation for this in some form or another then someone needs to have words with the man upstairs.
For this truly is an invaluable service you are offering humanity.
I spent my childhood at joyful ease with my aloneness. It wasn't until I got to school and started listening to the “grown ups” of the world as they told me : “Now, a few things. Your going to need a car – a big shiny one, a house that is most likely bigger than your neighbours, a girlfriend who will eventually become your wife with whom you will probably have a divorce because you found her out of a sense of separation/desperation and not one of unity, a dog.. if she doesnt take it in the divorce, ohh and lots of money, in fact this money is so important that you will walk over your own mother if necessary in order to get it. Now in order for you to be happy, these things are absolutely neccesary! Now go out there and get to it”
I'm pretty sure everyone has had a similar life experience. And it was only after attempting to pursue those things after buying into their ridiculous meme that my once natural joy and happiness disintegrated into the pursuit of something that could never be found outside of myself.
In a world where almost half of all marriages end in divorce (Uk, Ireland) Is it not starting to become obvious that people are seeking out a partner in the wrong manner, with the wrong emotional and mental state of mind. Doing something because you feel lonely, by the very laws of the universe, can only result in you eventually ending up at that place of loneliness. You do indeed reap what you sow.
Once again, it brings joy to my soul to see someone write an article with such wisdom and purpose.
Namaste brother,
Enda
Enda, you know exactly what to say to a blogger, blush blush!
You hit on a very important point that – that happiness does come from the inside, and we're wasting our energies if we seek it on the outside. Again, thanks for an insightful comment, your contributions are very welcome here!
great article albert. really resonated with me and helped me see things a lot clearer. thanks for posting this
Thank you Hemal!
This was exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for these compassionate words.
You're very welcome Michelle!
Hey Albert, thanks very much for the article. Its very well expressed and written in great style presenting excellent content. It presented me with a new view on loneliness and romance. 非常感谢。
I would just like to ask about the documentary which you watched on “host” sub-culture. May I know what is the name of the documentary or perhaps where I can find it? I'm quite interested.
谢谢！
Hi Panda, thanks for your compliment
I can't remember the name of the documentary as it is quite a while ago – one of my readers managed to find it, and I thought it would have mentioned it in his comments above this but he didn't.
I think he still reads comments on this article, if he does maybe he can jump in and help out.
The Documentary is called The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief.
Thanks Alex!
Unbelievable piece of writing. Priceless thoughts captured and translated into words. I mean, to still receive comments on a blog entry made several years ago really says something. 干得好。
Glad you liked it Frank – surprisingly this article was one of the fastest for me to write, as I just poured everything out after a painful breakup / recovery. I'm also surprised it's still going after so long.
Probably because it addresses questions and feelings many of us struggle with. I'm curious, once your breakup passed and your heart mended… When you read it back, did you feel the same? Would you be able to write it free of that pain?
Definitely, I would write the same article, but maybe in a slightly more detached tone – I think this article is very heartfelt, which is perhaps part of its appeal.
我明白。 I'll check it out.
Thanks Albert and Alex!
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